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Posts by Angela629
Joined: Nov 30, 2008
Last Post: Feb 11, 2009
Threads: 9
Posts: 86  
From: China

Displayed posts: 95 / page 2 of 3
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Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

sorry i can't. I don't believe that my english is any better than yours.

(i'm applying to college as well)

angela
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Need help with one of the Stanford's prompts? [4]

The college admissions and selection process is perhaps one of the most important procedure that will have the greatest impact on one's career.

Yes you have mentioned how you like stanford and the conversation with the professor. But i think you should write more about the engineering program at stanford, that would be better for the essay.
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / NYU short answers (family trait, NYU activity, talent show, NYU program) [5]

Hi Veggy,

Your essay has some flaws, and here they are:

the first essay: I know that the limit is tight but for this essay, i suggest you replace the latter part about ambition with an example from your family. (this isn't neccessary, just a suggestion)

your second essay: I don't think you replied to the question very well because you didn't exactly say how joining this club would impact the larger community. To me, this latter part is more important than the first part of the question

third: you said the song was special to you, but you didn't elaborate on why it's special.

the last essay is kind of not the essay admission want(it's just my opinion), that to say what is there to offer in xx program. you should say why you choose this program instead.

Angela
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

Overall, your essay is pretty good. It has a strong sense of belonging and participation. I like it very much, but I think there are some little grammartical mistakes you should check.

:)
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Piano [15]

I agree with amy. It's good enough that people wouldn't notice its length.

However, I did found some of the things that you can try to improve. (this is just my opinion)

I think you focused on your childhood part more, and the struggle presented in your essay is not very well explained. You said you hated the piano and you wanted to make you lesson with the woman next door very difficult. But you didn't elaborate on those critical parts, and making the essay looked kind of incomplete. Try to write a little more about it.
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Upenn "Your interest..." (business) [4]

It's pretty good, considering the outline and the structure, but I'd like to point out a few mistakes.

First of all, you used a nearly replicate phase in:
Huntsman Program offers great opportunities by combining my two most interested areas in one program. A dual degree from the school of arts and science and from Wharton school of business is very appealing to me. By combining my knowledge in both areas of concentration, I can develop deeper and more thorough understandings of how economy and politics have mutually influenced each other.

It sounds replicated, may be you should change it.

Also, the example that you see from the Upenn website is not a very good example. I mean the photo is true of course, but the way you describe it just sound like you don't know the university at all.

And the last one, (this is just what I thought, never mind it) Upenn is a public school. You don't sound like an us citizen, so i just want to warn you about it. us public university has a very small portion of international students, and since it's an ivy league, it's probably more difficult for you to get into it. Just an opinion,

Angela
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay word limit tip for students [9]

But I think that the common application's short answer has a limit a 150 exactly, or you wouldn't be able to send it. I tried that before, click save instead of save and next, and it will tell you how much you are over the limit.

However, it's kind of weird cause my personal essay is 5 page and I know that's way too long, but I don't know how to cut it and i sent it just like that. Hope university would accept that.
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / THIS IS MY ESSAY FOR UIUC,I THINK IT REALLY NEED ENHANCEMENT [4]

favorite

Honestly, I think that learning math shouldn't be exactly said as an interest. In my opinion, you can say more about how your mother's math career has helped you realize your goal in math and probably give an example cause abstraction never wins reality, and write less about how learning math has made you a whatsoever.

Also, I think you should relate this idea to the the idea that math in XC is good for you, or stuff like that.

Hope this helps,
Angela
Angela629   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Princeton Summers - Korean [2]

I think the overall of the essay is pretty well done, but may I suggest you use another example for your essay?

I don't consider hearing out a HKUST to be very connected to your half of essay about becoming a korean. I think you should stick to that topic, but I think say something from what you have learned in Korea ever summer is better. Besides, Princeton asks you about the last TWO summers, so you can probably elaborate some on that as well.

However, these are just my thoughts, and the way I wrote my princeton summer essay. Just hope this helps,
Angela
Angela629   
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / The click of a camera shutter; NYU short answers [all five] [4]

Hi soundclash,

I think your summer essay pretty much concluded what you have done, but if you want to add something, I suggest you go for the feeling or achievement about the trip or the skill (as the ending sentence).

Your club essay sounds pretty convincing, but despite the fact, I would agree with Christine. It's kind of confusing. In the first sentence, you used 2 would, which made it sound repetitive. And I suggest you change the semicolons to periods.

And the rest of them sounds pretty good to me.

Good Luck of us that are applying to NYU!
Angela629   
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / NYU talent show song short answer [5]

I would choose to sing "Helpless" by Neil Young. My reason for choosing this song is because of the message Young sent through the lyrics and tone. He described that it's a difficult thing to grow up in a place you despise all your life, but after you get out of there you discover that it was your home all along. Young paints a picture in his listeners' minds through the nature-inspired lyrical imagery about "a town in north Ontario."

Here are some mistakes you made.

I wonder you should elaborate more on the part about why you like the song, if you don't have space, I suggest you delete the last sentence

Good Luck,
Angela
Angela629   
Dec 27, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay: "What is art for me?" [4]

wikipedia.org

"still life"

The people who are not connected to artists nor are their jobs are less likely to show up in gallaries and art museums because everyday life smashes them.

The first and one of the most popular pop culture is the art of Graffiti

Art is something for those who are not with open eyes, but with open minds.

When we see the picture, we are not looking at just a landscape or portrait, we are observing the artist's needs and emotions reflected by the needs of society for art.


Except the second paragraph, I think you did a pretty good job in you essay. I can see the types of arts you are trying to convey and the your sense and definition of arts.

However, I do not see the linkage between the first paragraph and the third paragraph. You did not say why people stopped going to museums and why people start to like street-art instead. I think you should elaborate more on those 2 points in your second paragraph.

But anyway, good luck with your last piece of work.
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. When I read my essay, I knew there were something that has to be wrong, but I can't really find it.

How about my structure? I mean does this essay not saying what I want it to say? I saw others' princeton essays. They're much better than mine, but honestly, I don't know how to improve it? can someone suggest some advice?

Thanks so much,
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 24, 2008
Undergraduate / Why BU? (the opportunity for the students) [13]

This is cool, no need change the structure. and it's much better than the first draft.

However, i do think you need to restate your last paragraph in another way. it sounds a little, i don't know, too straight and direct forward?
Angela629   
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / "Spirit Club" - your activities essay [2]

Honestly, this depends on which school you are applying to.

If it's not the top Ivy Leagues, I think this essay is pretty good considering the way you describe your first activity in your new school.

However, i think this lacks some sort of personality when you write. You talked too much in the introduction, which I suggest you cut it if you want to go to a really good school, and talk more about the club itself.

eg how it has changed you in certain ways, why you were attract to it, blah blah blah
Angela629   
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Why BU? (the opportunity for the students) [13]

Well, if you are totally not sure what you should write, why don't you look at this website and see what others write?

I think there are a lot of people in this website who are applying to Boston as well, see what they say about in this essay.
Angela629   
Dec 22, 2008
Writing Feedback / "the land of the east and west" - my personal essays [6]

Well, I know my essay is probably too long, but there is no way that I can cut it. I have already cut the 7page essay into 5.

You're right. I don't think that, after viewing thousands of letters each day, the admission officer would give a credit for such a long essay, but what if i'm a home school student?

I mean when I was at the admissions, an adviser told me that as a home school student, i should elaborate as much as possible.

But anyway, thanks for the comment.
Angela629   
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / Why BU? (the opportunity for the students) [13]

Honestly, just say what you want with the university.

For example, what they are known for.

If you really don't know, you can check others' essay on them.

My stanford was like I want to be there because I love cultures and stanford, one of the most diversied university in the US, have what i'm looking for.
Angela629   
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / Why BU? (the opportunity for the students) [13]

Okay, soundclash. If you don't mind me telling the cruel reality of your essay, I'm going to say it.

If I'm the admission officer, your essay wouldn't be accepted. Here's why:

You do not have a strong reason why you want to go to Boston except one, it melts right into the rest of the city.

I don't consider this as an important factor that Boston is unique to you and in fact, I can find you 10 universities that fit into its environment well at a click.

So to me, the point of your essay is not made because I don't see it.
Think of this when you write a why XU is for you: What makes this university accept you as part of it. In other words, why this university should pick you? In what part is the U and you similiar, or can be fit into like a lock and key.

Sorry about the harsh words, but I hope this can be helpful,
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / why do you want to attend pratt? 'my interest in architecture' [3]

I always thought that you were either good at art, or you were not;

What does that means?

I think your essay is pretty well written. However, I think there are some sentences that don't go so well with the flow like,

I had never seen myself as being artistic; I saw myself being more mathematical.
have now decided that I would like to pursue my education in the more artistic side of architecture,

and some more.

But I think you can elaborate a little more on how you gained this particular interest and how it has captured your attention in the first place.
Angela629   
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / I chose to go to Kenya for my school trip - Travelling to other countries [12]

Well, since you want to see the reality of your essay, I'll what I think of it.

If you are not limited by some space, I suggest you write some more on

First of all, did you say why you choose to go to Africa? Or were you picked to go? I think you should make this point clear since you did not seem to like that place lot.

Also, you said that living there was a strong contrast with life in Hong Kong. Maybe you should write a sentence or two about it. I've been to Hong Kong, but not Kenya. However, when I write about two different places, I compare them. Your writing is like compare apple to orange, you depicts apple well, but you didn't write about orange. Don't assume that readers know what life in Hong Kong is like or experienced it.

But overall, I think you did a pretty good job.

Hope this helps,
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 20, 2008
Undergraduate / advice for Stanford essays (a sense of intellectual vitality) [2]

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an experience or an idea that you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I watched Dracula when I was little, which guided me to the world of imagination. Even though there are no such things as vampires, I am still attracted by the way sci-fi writers think. When I learned about Biology, I was glad this is a subject which I can explore by using my imagination.

Ever since the first fire was lit, the door of wisdom has opened. Today, we have inherited fruits as well as sins from our ancestors. With all the modern technology, we are able to provide better healthcare and more comfortable lifestyle so that we can live longer, but our habitat may not be able to support us. The world is in crisis. The unprecedented weather and the loss of species are all signs of our misery. Unless we take actions in a timely manner, our home, as well as ourselves, are going to die just like these organisms did before us.

At this critical moment, we need talented people to help us solve this problem. Now in a world like this, we should seriously think about the consequences that come after we have depleted these nature resources. The only way to avoid the adverse consequences is to preserve them. In the society today, there are many people speaking out about the way we have treated Mother Nature and calling for help to solve this global crisis. Although we are in a deep trouble, we can always solve it if we have a good faith and the effective assistance. I'm optimistic about the future because I believe that with the cutting-edge technology and bright scientists, we will be leading our way to a better world rather than the destruction of our species.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman roommate to know about you? Tell us something that will help your roommate and us to know you better

My freshman year at Stanford, the student guide said, I met 2 dormmates who were unlike each other in every way except their love of The Red Sox. At first, they got along only during the games and despised each other. Interestingly, after graduation, they were best friends and shared apartment. At that moment, I realize that even if nobody likes me elsewhere, I still can find my friends here at Stanford, where you are always part of the community.

First thing to know about me is my extrovert personality. When I was 5, my mother took me to learn dancing to consume my excessive ATPs. After mastering this skill, I became more extrovert for I started to entertain others. I always like to be part of the community, embrace the new culture and system whenever entering a new place because I don't like to be isolated or alone.

However, blending in means changing part of me. When I'm tired of being in the whirlwind of society, I would like to spend a moment just being myself. When I was in the UAE, I always took time off during weekends to watch movies with Mariam, my best friend. We enjoyed ourselves despite of the fact that we laughed so loud that people were staring at us.

Moreover, I'm independent in daily life. During my time in the boarding school, I learned how to manage and take care of myself. Before I went to the school, the daily chores were done by others, which are now all on my shoulder. Nevertheless, I didn't regret coming to this school to have the chance to experience living independently, which helps me shape the person I am today.

I'm looking forward to meeting my new best friends and hope that he/she will appreciate my sense of adventure. I can't wait to tell them about my adventure in the desert, struggling with figure skating, exotic theory about vampires and so much more.

Hi there, I thought my intellectual vitality one is kind of "too" common, is it? can someone suggest how can i improve? I thought maybe rewritten is needed.
Angela629   
Dec 18, 2008
Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

Can someone review my supplemental essays? Thanks for any advice on the structure and grammar, greatly appreciated.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.

My vacation of 2007 was fruitful. I practiced figure skating, competed and received 3rd place. This sport is very popular in the UAE, where the summer can be hot as hell, and doing icy sport in a desert city is such a blessing. However, I was fond of it for different reason. Having a moment of silence in a world where verbal communication predominates is my way to relax. Figure skating is also one thing that carves me the person I am today. Through this sport, I learned how to be confident to prepare for whatever that will happen.

My 2008 vacation happened in China, where I had a very exciting trip. We started from GuangZhou, where I visited Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education. The school was built in 1924 by Dr. Sun Yat-Sen, father of modern China. I was very grateful that he created one of the key universities of our nation. After visiting GuangZhou, we stopped at WuYi Mountains, a famous holiday resort. The trip was fun, we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, seen the thread-of-sky and so much more. However, they are not as exciting as seeing the Otters and Amoy Tiger on the day we left. Later, we stayed at our hometown for nearly a month after the tour of Beijing. As soon as we arrived, I can't wait to see the place where I grew up. The smell of fresh soil and the sound of bargaining in the market remind me of everything as I was passing by. I spent the month recalling the places, did labs and joined sketching. I studied hard from July to September for SAT in Beijing, and was rewarded with a good result. While living there, I figure skated in a rink next to the house; experienced teaching others at a language institute; continued sketching; visited TsingHua and Beijing University; saw the Olympics and cheered for my favorite team. I was even lucky enough to see Ms. Elaine Chao and Mr. Randt, U.S secretary of labor and ambassador. I had more fun in HongKong, where I developed the theory about the different places I have been to and how China has changed itself over the past 4 years. I was surprised that after living in 2 different countries, I was able to see things from different perspectives and learned so much more that I didn't know about. I was so different from whom I was before leaving China, and this trip really helped me to realize that.

Option 2: Using the statement below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed you approached the world.

"Princeton in the nation's service" was title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations" (476)

...
Angela629   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / Swampscott Mass- Supplement [5]

It's better, may I suggest you write one more sentence after "I suppose I too..." about what Swampscott interest you other than the slow and relax lifestyle.

Also, I think it's:
for it's rare that you find a stranger who actually knows which I am talking about.

I mean you are referring to the town, not the place, right?
Angela629   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / Swampscott Mass- Supplement [5]

Hello, Colin

Good afternoon, you did well on describing the town and how you feel about it, but you are missing an important part. You need to write more about how the town has shaped you as a person, for example, events that happened there that made you change who you are and without it, you wouldn't be who you are now, and things like that.

Hope this helps,
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Route 151' is an important part of me - University of Chicago essay [5]

Your essay conveys a good sense of fun and nolstagia, you stick with the topic very well. However, I think you might need some sort of other emotion added, maybe an example of something you really had fun with, or something about your grandmother.

I mean it's not necessary, since out of 10, I'd give you a 9 myself. Probably there would be a little grammartical mistake, but I think you did great.

Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 12, 2008
Undergraduate / Columbia essay - convey a message on who you are. [4]

The thing is, about your essay, is that it captures me. It's a good essay, however, you can improve more by shortening your love of community service into less words and sentences. Because less but important sentences can, well, not putting people to sleep, you know what i mean, it's elicit and not boring.

Hope it helps,
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 12, 2008
Undergraduate / "I'm from Dubai" - U of Wisconsin essay [7]

I think the point in any essay is to make your goal clear, you want to answer the question not running away from it. Listening can be accounted as a good family trait, but like they said, it doesn't belong to the category in a very obvious way.

I may agree that it might belong to the interest category, but you need more information to convince the admission officers that this is your hobby, what you like to do.

So, may I suggest you delete the first paragraph and make space to write more about how it's your hobby rather than a family trait.

Hi, have they finished Burj Dubai? I can't wait to see it. I lived in Dubai too.
Angela629   
Dec 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / toefl: Why are groups or organizations important to people? [3]

During our life, it is inevitable that we may be related with any groups or organizations; therefore, groups and organizations are an important part of our lives.

I don't think the plural of human is correct, is it human or humans?

For example, as a student majoring in mass media who has taken it over a year,

Well, I think your writing is good, it just needs some more practice. It's kind of stiff since the sentences need rearrangement.

Hope it helps,
Angela629
Angela629   
Dec 6, 2008
Undergraduate / "What is your favorite word and Why?" - UVA how to start this essay? [10]

Hi,

the first you should alway keep in mind is that an admission essay should always be something about you, either it reveals part of your interest or personality, or it should be you in general. so my advice is that you write something about you, for instance, the most often word your friend or family use to describe you, your favorite word, anything, as I said before, that is related to you and reveals you in some way.

Safe or not safe, it doesn't matter, as long as your essay don't make any enemies.

Hope this helps,
angela629
Angela629   
Dec 6, 2008
Essays / Common application supplements - 500 characters, not words! [3]

Hi everyone,

I just check out the common application website and I found a huge problem. I don't know whether you notice it or not, the Commonapp supplements ask you to write, for instance, 500. DO NOT think this is the number of WORDS! I just find out that they meant characters and THIS includes SPACE!!! This is a warning for everyone so that you guys don't make the same mistake. Now that I have to shorten my supplemental essay to one-sixth its original size.

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