Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

h


haha :)

Grammar, Usage / Grammar issues and their application; Need Help [7]

no problem but I thought the link explained it all. The second link- grammaring.com/hardly-scarcely-barely-no-sooner-

Hardly had I arrived home when my phone rang. (I had hardly arrived home when my phone rang.)
Scarcely had she finished reading when she fell asleep. (She had scarcely finished reading when she fell asleep.)
Barely had they won the match when the coach had a heart attack. (They had barely won the match when the coach had a heart attack.)

No sooner had the company launched a new product than it went bankrupt. (The company had no sooner launched a new product than it went bankrupt.)

Grammar, Usage / Grammar issues and their application; Need Help [7]

1) the answer is a because it is an idiom- no sooner...than- idioms.thefreedictionary.com/no+sooner+than

2) grammaring.com/hardly-scarcely-barely-no-sooner- TAKE A LOOK AT THIS AND YOU WILL KNOW. THE ANSWER IS B.

Also it should be no sooner had, no no sooner did.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

Yeah, i was looking for that. I was like, hey where is that?

Writing Feedback / Older people think the world was a better place when they were young. [10]

It is irrefutable that THE world of early centuries was A better place to live than today's modern world. Many arguments surround my opinion. - this makes no sense at all. How about try this- This can be exemplified through the pollution that is currently plaguing our planet.


- WE DO NOT REALLY KNOW IF THERE IS GLOBAL WARMING YET SO I SUGGEST THAT YOU DON'T PUT THAT. IT IS VERY CONTROVERSIAL. If you want to put it there, then you have to back it up with evidence, but it is not proven yet.

An Increasing population and pollution are the main reason behind this situation.

To put in the nutshell,- wrong idiom. In a nutshell is correct.

There are a lot more mistakes, so revise and then I will help you more.

Graduate / My country still needs more capable people in this field; SOP of MSc Public health [4]

Okay, sorry to be harsh, but you are in pretty bad shape here. You need to fix up the grammar in your essay A LOT! What is the prompt? We need it so we can better help you with your essay. I can't even understand what you are trying to say!

At first I did not know what they likeDUPON ADMISSION TO THE UNIVERSITY.

And thereafter I will STUDY private business.

However, admission to the first year that I did not like this field.- HOWEVER, I FELT THAT I DID NOT LIKE THIS FIELD AFTER THE FIRST YEAR.

I ask for permission my father to work at the clinic. As a dental clinic. - I asked my father for permission to work at the clinic as a dental clinic.

And there's a lot more. Please edit your writing more carefully. I will help you after you revise.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

haha. yeah, that was one of the best toefel essays on the forum; obviously I should use it as an example :)

But what was the test, test2 thing by E.F. Forum on that thread?

Writing Feedback / Disadventages of the Internet ; 45 minute Essay [8]

Okay, you need a lot of help if you want to pass toefl or your exam. That is a paragraph, not an essay. Read some of the other toefl essays to get the structure down because you need a lot of help. First read their essays, which are at least three paragraphs. Also, I can see you say first, second, third. Put more supporting detail after that.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

Okay, you have the basic structure down but you still need help with a lot of grammar. Read some other toefl essays on this site, then revise. I will help you after you revise

Undergraduate / Set Your Arms Down; NYU Dramatic Writing Portfolio [6]

No problems. There are some grammar mistakes that I will point out below, but I like the informal tone. It is very unique. Try to add more symbolism, yes. You could try Greek or allude to some books. Did you read Dante's Inferno? Perhaps add some phrases and metaphorical phrases that relate to his book. Definitely do some research on it; it's about the 9 levels of hell. VERY, VERY FAMOUS BOOK. Also, make your writing more sophisticated that way and make sure to add a lot of allusions. I can tell that you have some real meaning behind this- ie. the AWESOME disclaimer. I really liked that and your words actually made me jump out of my seat when I was reading the part when the beast started to attack them. I even squealed; I know I'm immature :) I'm only 13.

Did you have a real dream? I didn't feel at all really that this was part of a dream; I thought it was just an ordinary story. I dunno.

Kyle Matherson is on the run with his family. He isn't quite sure as to what they are running from, but he knows that it has to be something pretty damn terrifying to scare the ever living shit out of his mother.

They've (NO CONTRACTIONS) been stranded in the same spot ever since. Kyle can hear his parents talking.

Also, try not to use short, choppy sentences.

Thanks for liking my posts. I really need it in order to delete a few of my threads.

If you need anything else, just tell me :)

Writing Feedback / Do people behave differently when they wear different clothes? YES [4]

you have to post more helpful edits to other essays. saying good job and it must be written in 30 minutes is not helpful. Read some of the other essays on this forum; I edited your other essay and read my comments.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people are born challenge-takers while others prefer lives without change [6]

Good, but you do need to do a LOT of editing.

Some people are born challenge-takers ANDthey get excited WHILE facing changes. ON THE OTHER HAND,While other people prefer TO lives without flactuation (CHANGE).

Did you see how many mistakes were in that ONE SENTENCE? Edit your whole essay and I will look over it again

Writing Feedback / Is it necessary to follow the new customs when you move into a new country? [3]

Please post the prompt so we can better help you with your essay:

I think if I go abroad for anything, I WILL follow some of the customs of the new country. In order to adapt the new conditions, I should accept some of the new customs which belongs to there. I must learn the language of this country. Then I WILL follow the customs of eating and working conditions. (IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT PARAGRAPH AS IT IS, THEN FINE, BUT I WOULD NOT ADVISE IT. DO NOT USE "I" IN A SENTENCE. i WOULD CHANGE IT INTO THIS:

IF ONE NEEDS TO GO ABROAD, THEN HE OR SHE WILL NEED TO FOLLOW THE CUSTOMS OF THE NEW COUNTRY HE OR SHE IS TRAVELING TO. IN ORDER TO ADAPT TO THE NEW CONDITIONS, THEN HE OR SHE WILL NEED TO ACCEPT THE CUSTOMS THERE. HE OR SHE MUST LEARN THE LANGUAGE.

And same for everywhere else in your essay. Also, do not use "YOU" in your essay. It is very informal. I suggest you take a look at some of the other essays on this forum. There are a lot of TOEFL essays and such on this awesome forum.

Undergraduate / Set Your Arms Down; NYU Dramatic Writing Portfolio [6]

Yes, I read the whole thing. But I didn't get the ending at all. It is a very epic story; I just kept on reading because it was so exciting. That was awesome; you should publish it in a newspaper or apply for a scholarship!

But do they die in the end? Everything is very ambiguous and I would suggest you make it a bit clearer.

Scholarship / If I could trade places with any superhero or villain for a day, who would I choose a [6]

Oh, yeah, I'm doing the same scholarship. But you're in college right? I like your essay but I don't think the way in which you expressed it is effective. You need to think of more varying word choice and open up with a more attractive statement. I don't want to give the website of the scholarship because we will have even more competitors, but I just give you my two cents.

Graduate / Cross the vast, aqua blue ocean - Discuss three accomplishments - Health Admin. MBA [6]

I really like your essay, but add some more accomplishments

Undergraduate / Pondering over the career and my aptitude; NUS - computer Engineering [9]

Sorry to be harsh, but I totally agree with admission2012. You come off as a very arrogant person.

Book Reports / Need more ideas for my essay - To Kill A Mockingbird? [3]

Try sparknotes, there are a lot of great ideas there. When I get back from school I will post some ideas

Undergraduate / Tennis powerhouse ; Ivy League material/ Place or Environment [9]

Yeah... but they don't know that. Tweak it to make it as if you lost a match-- I'm sure you have had a few losses here and there.

Undergraduate / Tennis powerhouse ; Ivy League material/ Place or Environment [9]

Now, after reading it again and again, I find that it has A LOT OF POTENTIAL. It is a really good essay, just that with a few tweaks here and there, it will be Ivy-League level. But it's up to you. I advise getting more opinions. Think about ALL of the experiences in your life. Think about some unique ones. Did you go fishing? Did you have a sister and shared some memories with her? Did anything tragic happen in your life? IF you suddenly have an epiphany, then go straight on it. That's what I did- I thought of the experiences in my life when I was stuck and I suddenly thought of tons of unique experiences. But if you can't think of anything better, then stick with what you have. But make the corrections like I said in the above post- Talk about you losing the match, but a loss is a gain and how you improved. Be modest and humble.

Undergraduate / Tennis powerhouse ; Ivy League material/ Place or Environment [9]

Mmmm.. Not to be harsh, but I think the main and underlying themes of your piece is very cliche. I also play tennis myself (great fan of Nadal) yet I don't really believe in the essays that narrate how one small trivial event changed their life. I know, your event is not trivial, but perhaps describing yourself as the loser. Tell about your determination, but your failure at the end, and then your rise to become even greater than before.

I've accepted the challenge to compete among the finest students in the country to find the school that fits me most accurately. Most students dread this process; I can't get enough of it .- No. NEVER, NEVER, EVER WRITE THIS! Don't talk about the schools you are applying, zilch, nada, nothing! You can't get enough of it- this is unlikely to me- the college application process is very arduous, how can you love it? It seems that you are being very grandiose about your writing. To an admission officer, I wouldn't believe it. But if it is true, then I don't know. But you need to hear more opinions. It takes a lot for me to admire an essay.

Overall, you have a nice piece that with a bit of editing, can have great potential! Keep up the good work :)

Undergraduate / I hate classical music/Grand Theory of Unification/Roommate/ Socks matters; Stanford [2]

I really like the sock one, but the ending just falls apart. It's just my opinion, so you should get more advice. I love the symbolism; very unique.

In contrast, I don't really like the roommate one. I don't think it is written in a "unique and fun" way. Sorry if I am being harsh, but I did think it was a bit corny.

Undergraduate / "Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver; Extracircular acitivty [6]

ha. your essays are always amazing. Yale is my dream college too :). But I like economics but it seems I try to force myself to read the "economist" because a lot of its topics are mundane (I mean I don't understand when it talks about so many different taxes, ie. corporate tax, blah blah blah and GDP. Well I understand the GDP part but it is very confusing me. Wharton is very hard to get into though.

As regards to your essay, what are you really trying to express? I feel that you are showing your passion for scuba diving but I can't really get that feeling. Did you hear of a person who got into Yale by writing about how Yale used sand instead of salt in the winter? Also, someone else described her hobby in such a way that you can see her passion; I can't really feel that in your essay.

hope I wasn't too harsh. Just trying to give my 2 cents :) hope I helped

Undergraduate / "Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver; Extracircular acitivty [6]

Well...

I do think it is a bit of arcane, but it is very unique. But I am a kid- so I don't understand as much as you so don't trust all of what I say :).

But it is an exceptional essay, as usual. I love your style of writing and I have followed all of your essays. You're definitely Yale and Wharton material and I hope you get in! You can notify me when you get in. :)

Undergraduate / "Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver; Extracircular acitivty [6]

hm... a very interesting piece.

a few mistakes though:

"Dive!Dive!Dive!" squawks the master diver as he strides into the abyss-

Surfacing, I release the remnants of old air in my lungs to please (it's just my opinion, but I think it is a bit awkward to say please. perhaps another word. can't think of it right now but I will tell you later) myself with a new breath of life.

Undergraduate / Piercing my nose and my fighting against my family's opinions; UNPOPULAR Opinion [8]

I think it will engage the admission officers, but perhaps start off with a really attractive sentence describing how the process went and how they applied the nose ring. You could say that you felt a sharp prick of pain (I don't have nose ring, so I don't know really :) Overall, your essay was great!

Poetry / What If Tomorrow Never Comes; Feed back on Poem [4]

Yes, this poem should be featured! The emotions that arise from this piece... simply incredible!

One thing to fix: Dad, YOU'RE still gone

Undergraduate / Blindly follow criticisms without evidence? ;Stanford-Intellectual Vitallity [12]

am only one man, but if I rid this world of my ignorance, it has (WILL ) indeed become a slightly better place.

Writing Feedback / What education fails to teach us - analysis essay [4]

It means we shouldn't distinguish between the "dumb" people and the "smart" people. We are similar; no race is better than another, etc.

Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]

I think it's possible as someone copied my essay for my patriot's pen essay contest. I'm in seventh grade so it's not as big of a deal, but it was a CONTEST nevertheless. I think Yale is looking not only for someone who can be categorized as a nerd wh sits in his house studying ll day, but also for someone sociable and very philosophical. You are a very deep thinker (that can be portrayed through the first). Also, I haven't finished my other essay, but after I'm done, can you take a look? Thanks

Also,your stress free and a bit carefree. I like that feeling.

Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]

Do you know what? I would advise not posting these essays on essayforum because someone might copy or plagerise them! And do you know why they would want to copy yours? Because your essays are simply too amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like the metaphor about the receipt. I like the first one better because it tells you that you enjoy life.

Undergraduate / "I am 19, crazy, differently weird, full of life, and fun"; MIT UPDATE [7]

No. The second one is WAY WEAKER than the first one. Have you already submitted your application? Or are you in grad school? The first one shows more of your personality- the second one, after reading it, I was like, "what the crap is this." The conclusion is bad, and by bad, I mean bad. Don't mention your stats and application; they want to know the real you. They don't want you reiterating stuff from your application and putting it in an essay.

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

What? This shocks me. The quality of your writing surpasses the quality of A LOT of essays applying to harvard or yale. Your essay would definitely stand out if you have stronger grades now. But as regards to the essay, it is very touching.

Undergraduate / STAR WARS; Georgetown/ Significance of the school or summer activity [4]

I think the last sentence is sort of unrealistic. As you said before, it is "impossible" for there to be no war forever. Try to think of a better phrase.

Writing Feedback / the world from Newton's eyes - Sat essay [3]

8. You have too many examples without explaining them. Intro is too long. Focus on two examples and work on expanding them and explaining. For istance, you say this: Their wild ‎thoughts drove them to dream about a steady flight. How? Explain. You can't just claim something without support. What were their wild thoughts?

Undergraduate / Sibling insecurity and much more -Common App/ Application essay [13]

I tend to like the other essay you wrote; the one about the apple. But that's my opinion. Also, I agree with sarthakjain above. The anger is domineering and you should sugar coat it in some parts.

Writing Feedback / Time & how it passes by; should we blame distance or time? [4]

This is an amazing essay! I agree with Jennifer. You should try to be sound a bit more positive, but if you don't want to, I like the transition it puts in your essay. It was very touching...

Undergraduate / 'Family like water' - the world I come from, personal statement [7]

yes, technically and hypothetically speaking, I side with iamnicholas's opinion. There are no concrete examples to show the world you came from.

Don't forget to thank me.

Undergraduate / 'Sharing Ukrainian culture' - what do you find most appealing about columbia [5]

you've done a good yet okay to bad job. elaborate more on your chemical engineering part- that's more unique. the part about my passion to learn blah blah blah is generic and monotonous. how many times admission officers have heard this I don't know