Book Reports / Reader response of 2 short stories [3]


Are these answers to specific questions? Or are you numbering the paragraphs? If you are answering questions, you should tell us the questions. If not -- uh oh! I see no coherent stream of thought between the first and second paragraphs. Furthermore, the first paragraph jumps in with this line, which has a nice phrase ("a kind of mad nervousness") but is incomprehensible since you've not said who this "narrator" might be or what, in fact, you are writing about. If this is supposed to be the first paragraph of an essay, it needs to do the work of an introductory paragraph.

Since I can't comment any more on content until I know whether this is meant to be an essay or a series of answers to questions, let me turn to grammar:


The character's what? Her dress? Her personality? Her history? Or did you mean "characters"? Don't just insert apostrophes for no good reason. I'm stressing this because you did it in your question to us too, which suggests that you've got the bad habit of making plurals into possessives. That habit drives composition teachers absolutely mad, as it suggests that the writer isn't thinking at all but simply tossing in punctuation marks like seasoning.

Writing Feedback / academic essay for the important assessment of the English Curriculum. [3]

This is pretty good for an English competency exam, which I assume this is as it has absolutely nothing to do with assessing any English curriculum. Here are a few grammatical fixes:

...to receive financial aid and expert assistance from...

The reasons areSuch aid can help to provide...

As you know ,
Never shift suddenly into second-person like this. You're not writing to any particular person.

In Africa, many countries which lack of democracy are ruled by the juntas .

To sum up, the prospects for developing the less-developed countries are improved if the fully-developed nations are willing to give aids.

Undergraduate / Live, Laugh, Love [8]


Cut this. Begin with what is now your second sentence.

What I like about this essay is that you offer specific details when sharing what your parents taught you. (The cherry tree story is particularly charming.) This rescues the essay from the land of trite essays about parents, but only just barely.

The last two paragraphs have to go or be radically altered. It's fine and even good for an undergraduate to understand that s/he doesn't yet have a career in mind. (Most who think they know change their minds anyway.) But you have to say something about your particular interests and aspirations. Surely there are some fields of study or practice that interest you more than others.

And do not -- repeat: do not -- end your essay with a trite saying that started out as a motif for cheap necklaces and tee-shirts in the 1970s.

Undergraduate / Legos (Admission Topic for Carnegie Mellon University) [2]

This is a great theme around which to organize an engineering-related essay. (They are often dull.) You need to break the very long first paragraph into two or even three paragraphs. I'd also recommend adding some detail about what you witnessed when you shadowed a mechanical engineer and then, if you can, say a bit more about what you aspire to do after graduation from CMU, perhaps bringing the legos back in to tie the conclusion to the introduction.

Undergraduate / Personal statement"After the surgery nightmare " [2]

This is a fine topic, but I'm concerned by the weighting of the essay, with so much devoted to the surgery and so little devoted to after. Fill out what are now the last two paragraphs, giving details or more examples. If you need to edit down the surgery narrative to make room for that, do it.

Undergraduate / Anime (My essay to u-m) [15]

I love your first line. But:


If that's true, then you must have done some things that demonstrate that interest or work toward that goal. Include those things in the essay.

Undergraduate / "Why essay" for help. [4]

Your story from childhood is compelling and well told, with exquisite imagery. Just augment it with some more material about why you now, as an adult, want to study business.

Undergraduate / "Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay [4]


Right: It's not clear what "lost time" you might be referring to... the time you spent reflecting? That's not lost time! I'd just cut that paragraph.

You might want to add more to the paragraph that precedes it. Orthodontist just kind of comes out of nowhere. Your orthodontist is happy with his job and therefore you will be happy with that job? That makes no sense. Plenty of people are happy with their jobs because they are a good match for them. If you happened to know a happy ballerina, would you now be enrolling as a dance major? No! There's something about dentistry that feels right to you. Say what that is.

Undergraduate / Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia [4]


This is a lovely sentence! So few students know the word "enervating." To contrast it with another "e" word (exhilarating) is very, um, effective.


Not at all: You hit it right here:


And here:


Another lovely sentence. Very poetic!

Undergraduate / Michigan Engineering Essay (the field of aerospace engineering) [2]

This is fine, though a bit dull. It's OK for engineering essays to be dull, but you still might want to make it more interesting by featuring an anecdote or image concerning some aspect of aerospace engineering that is especially fascinating to you.

Undergraduate / "Money is not omnipotent, but no money is incapable" (common app -- concern) [3]


I love the poetry of this line but, unfortunately, it doesn't quite make sense. "Ambivalent" means having mixed feelings. How can money have mixed feelings? Probably, you are looking for some other word, though I am not sure what it is.

I like it that, throughout the essay, you are stretching to use a wide variety of words in creative ways. I think that the admissions committee will like that too, but just be very sure of the meanings of the words you are using.

For example:


I'm guessing that, here, you are thinking "booties" is the plural of "booty" in the sense of loot. But, actually, "booties" means buttocks in colloquial English. As much as I enjoy the idea of people showing their "exorbitant booties" with pride, I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean to say!

Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay/ Intellectual Vitality [4]

When I started reading, I felt dispirited. "Not another person claiming tritely to be an 'outside of the box' thinker," I felt. But, no: You have a unique spin on that trite saying. Good job!

Undergraduate / UCF ESSAY - COMING TO AMERICA; family history, culture and environment [10]


This is a comma splice. You've spliced together two complete sentences with a comma, creating a grammatical error in the process. Fix it by replacing the comma with a period (best choice) or semi-colon (correct, but less apt).


This is a run-on sentence. That error detracts from the sensory imagery.

Here's how to fix another run-on:

I would used the dictionary for every word that I didn't understand, and I would translated whole books and charts for new vocabulary.

Comma splices and run-ons are two variations on a common theme: Trying to do too much in a single sentence. Go through the whole essay, fixing all of the comma splices and run-ons. Repost for further feedback.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose to KENT STATE MSFE [2]


It's awfully long, given the relative paucity of content. Try to cut down on the verbiage by eliminating wordy constructions.

For example:

Finance , as a field, has always fascinated me right from my undergraduate college days.

In order to achieve a more rounded education, I actively took part in numerous extracurricular activities.

Be ruthless! Say what you have to say in as few words as necessary.

Once you've got it cut down to a more reasonable size, we can look more carefully for grammatical errors. (No use checking for errors in phrases that are going to be cut.)

Graduate / 'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay [5]


More likely, the pressure is making you try to write in fancy prose rather than simply saying what you have to say. That can interfere with coherence.

I meant my previous advice literally: Go through what you've written line by line, asking yourself: Does this make sense? Is it what I mean to say? Then, say what you want to say as simply and clearly as possible.

This is not, by the way, "brutal" advice. George Orwell advises all essayists to ask themselves always: What am I trying to say? How can I put it more shortly?

Graduate / Improving the Legal System in Azerbaijan (law school statement of purpose) [4]


Use an actual subject and an action verb rather than "it is..." For example:

To promote Azerbaijan's perfection of its legal system, it's imperative towe must learn advanced legal knowledge from developed countries and to assimilate useful experience from western legal systems .

Student Talk / Six "W" on transcript! [8]

"W" can mean anything. I wouldn't worry about it. But, as Sean says, you can write about it if you feel that it should be explained.

Undergraduate / My first name Omowumi, given to me by my mother means: "I love my child" in Yoruba [7]

This essay starts very strong but then becomes a bit jumbled. When you talk about Elmo and the pink accessories, for example, I'm not at all sure whether you're referring to past or present. Keep all of the images and anecdotes, just tighten the organization, adding transitions and a conclusion to make it all coherent.

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]


I love this line!


No, not at all. Indeed, it's not until college that bright students discover that whatever genius they believe themselves to have will not carry the day. Especially at colleges like Michigan, that process often leads to depression among first-year students. This shows that you've already learned this hard lesson.

Undergraduate / A personal statement: reflection about different cultures [6]

This essay does not lack surprise. There's a surprise at every turn. What it lacks is coherence. You go from anecdote to anecdote with seemingly no purpose. Who are these people (Paolo and Gyre) and why are we reading about them? It's unclear. It's good to use anecdotes as illustrations, but what they are illustrating must be clear. Right now, I have only a fuzzy sense of your overall thesis. (Something to do with harmony?)

You also need to work on grammar, as your frequent lapses from Standard English may be decreasing the coherence of the essay.

For example:
In my view, Paolo is proud of his nation, and also a bit conservative, while Gyre is always extremely curious about everything he encounters .

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION [7]

I can hardly believe it: A "Vires, Artes, Mores" essay that isn't a labor to read. I suspect that if you keep it short and lively like this, the admissions folks will like you for it. Still, you may want to add just a sentence or two telling us in more detail what you do and hope to do with fashion. (Design? Sew? Market? What?)

Undergraduate / My Dog (Need critiques for my common app essay) [3]

I'm not the best person to ask on this one, because I am still grieving the loss of my best canine friend. So, any story like this makes me cry. Still, I think you may need to edit it for coherence and perhaps add a conclusion that says what you learned from this relationship.

Undergraduate / (Carly, true friend) - Someone who has made an impact on your life [5]

On the plus side: Your feelings for your friend and her personality are very clear. On the down side: This narrative is so chaotic that I can barely make sense of it. I think that, perhaps, you are trying to be artistic in eschewing a standard narrative line. But it's not working. One minute we're in grade school. The next, Carly is throwing up. (At what age? From the flu? Cancer medications? Binge drinking? We don't know.) Then, suddenly, somebody's asking somebody for a ride. There's a tarp flapping on somebody's car. Are we in a dream?

... No, no, no: This won't do. You must bring at least a modicum of coherence to the essay, even if Carly's effect on you is the opposite.

Undergraduate / Descriptive Essay -my next move in terms of education [4]

Begin by brainstorming what you would say if somebody -- perhaps a younger member of your family -- said something like that. Once you have your ideas down on paper, you can begin to organize them into an outline. From there, you can draft the essay.

Undergraduate / College Essay "Volunteering at Youthville"....Common App and USC. [3]

This is a very strong story. My only problem with it is that it drags a bit in the part leading up to the encounter with your classmate. Perhaps if you just tighten up the sentences leading up to that, sharing but not dwelling on your feelings of dissatisfaction, that would solve that problem. And others might not find it a problem at all! Overall: Very good work.

Undergraduate / Leaving Kabul for Chicago (U of Illinois Champaign Essay) [3]


This is not at all ironic. It is the opposite of ironic. Watching someone wrestling with psychological problems naturally sparks interest in psychology.

That's a minor point. Overall, this essay is on its way to being very strong. You have a compelling story and clearly have a genuine interest in your chosen field of study.

If you want to draw out your conclusion, you could note that people in war-torn regions very often have need of psychiatric care but this is the least available form of medical care. If this interests you, you could say that you hope specifically to be able to help people struggling with the same sorts of consequences of war-related trauma as your mother endured.

One more note: Do not capitalize psychology, psychiatrist, or similar nouns. I know that this is done in other languages, but modern English restricts the use of capital letters to proper nouns. You may wish to review the rules on that.

Writing Feedback / Biased Metaphors in the Science of Reproduction [2]

You ought to get a good grade for this essay. You accurately summarize Martin's overall point, illustrating the idea with a couple of key examples. Moreover, you draw in your own life experience, verifying that the science of reproduction is taught in the biased manner Martin reports. Your conclusion restates your thesis while also broadening to show the broader implications of the narrow topic at hand. Good job!

Undergraduate / Stereotypes of Middle Eastern People - Michigan Diversity Essay [3]


"Earlier" is not needed, as this is implicit in "expected."


No, you have addressed the prompt quite adequately, demonstrating both your respect for diversity and you ability to change your mind in response to new information. Good job!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - PhD application - Mechanical Engineering [5]

This is very strong and does include the rudiments of a statement of purpose. I'd like to see you pare down the narrative (they don't really need to know about the conversation with your friend, by the way) and add a little more about what you hope to do in future. You say teaching and research, but if you have any particular research interests, you should say them. Also, if you would like to be part of that study you mentioned, you should say so directly.

Writing Feedback / Reading habits of Leeville citizens - Analyse An Argument. Rate on a scale of 6 [2]


No, the argument does not state this. One study found that Leeville citizens reported this. In light of their actual behavior, the argument is that Leeville citizens misrepresent their reading habits, claiming to prefer literary classics while actually preferring mystery novels.


It's you who are leaping to wild conclusions. What evidence do you have that university researchers surveyed only older citizens and that, furthermore, those older citizens are not users of the public libraries? In fact, I believe that research indicates that older adults are more likely than younger adults to use public libraries.

Here's what I'm trying to say: The findings of the study depend on whether the researchers used standard research procedures. Standard research procedures would be, when studying the reading preferences of a population, to ensure that a random sample of the population is surveyed, with care taken to make sure that there is not a skew in terms of age, income, etc. The chances are high that a university research team took such precautions. Therefore, one may raise the question of whether such precautions were taken, but relying for one's argument on the slim possibility that university researchers did not follow even the most basic research guidelines seems ill-advised. Certainly, your adamant tone is ill-considered.

What, then, might be the flaw in the argument? Assuming that the first study was well designed and therefore did accurately reflect what Leeville citizens say they prefer to read, the question becomes whether public library borrowing habits reflect the preferences of the entire population. Probably not. Public library users tend to be less affluent, and also heavily weighted age-wise, with older adults and children/adolescents using the libraries more than young and middle aged adults.

Therefore, to get a true sense of what citizens really read, bookstore sales would also have to be taken into account. But here there is another problem, as more and more citizens -- particularly young, tech-savvy citizens -- buy online rather than shopping locally.

Nonetheless, the conclusion is probably true, unless Leeville is very different from the rest of the country, housing a concentration of literature lovers. Nationally, mystery novels out-sell literary classics many times over, and the likelihood is that a study of Leeville buying habits would not differ from that.

Undergraduate / Understanding music for UW-Madison, thank you! [3]

I began playing the piano at the age of five . Believing that I had some talent for music, my parents brought me to the piano, which was a head taller than me.


Your imagery here is lovely, but the tense shifts from past to present in the middle of the sentence.


This is a wonderful analogy. That makes the essay more than just about music, which is what you want.

Overall, the theme and imagery is strong; you just need to edit for grammar, paying particular attention to preposition and verb tenses.

Writing Feedback / 'How I adapted to fit in' - Meaningful experience [10]


Normally, I advise against such tropes as "I digress," but in this case it works, giving us a glimpse of your personality. Unfortunately the rest of your essay departs little from the standard army/navy/etc child essay -- multiple schools, dedication to discipline, etc. -- and we see very little of your own unique personality. Don't omit anything you have now, but do add some more flavor.

Undergraduate / Learning more about me (academic successes) - My trip to Disney World [4]

Yes, this is an extraordinarily strong essay: moving, detailed, and to the point.


So, say which vegetables in the narrative itself. "... turned back to chopping the ????" Details make stories stronger.

Writing Feedback / A paragraph about Dreams [9]

Hmmm... I don't see you offering help to others. But, OK.


This starts with a comma splice. The clauses on both sides of the comma are complete sentences. Therefore, that comma ought to be either a period or a semi-colon. In addition, the second clause is confusing, with some missing words and some extra words. I think what you are trying to say is:

Dreams are just like flowers. W e can't imagine our life without them, and as such we have to take care of them just as we do with flowers so that they will grow up as we want.

Undergraduate / Common application - Tinkerbell [6]

Yes, I must say that I find myself confused too. Generally, it's a good idea to write metaphorically in these essays, but you may have gone too far in that direction. While one doesn't mind working hard to decipher a literary work, one ought not have to work hard to figure out what an application essay is about.

Poetry / Shakespeare's Sonnet #73 Translation [4]

Noto,

This is lovely! You not only capture the sense of the sonnet, but do so in a way that creates a sonnet of its own. I hope that your teacher will appreciate you perception and your creativity.

Writing Feedback / IBT essay - Study for free at the university [6]

For the most part, your sentence structures are sound, but you sometimes make incorrect word choices.


This doesn't make any sense at all to me.

However, the government should have the support to students who want to study at the university but can't afford for it. Students can borrow money for their food and lodging, and they will pay back several years after graduating several years .

Letters / Response to the advertisement; SCHOLARSHIP (MSc in Public Health) [3]

You tend to write introductory clauses that do not match the main clause of the sentence:


You needed to read their requirements to learn that a degree in public health would help you in those ways? No! You already knew that. Instead you should say:After reading your requirements, I am confident that I meet your criteria.Ascholarship in an MSc in Public health will help increase my knowledge base and research development skills as a community oriented medical doctor with improved excellent training and management to deliver best practice service in underscored areas in my country.


Are you more than one person? No! Then you cannot say, "As the ..., we..." Instead:
As the health coordinator of the NGO where I currently work, I manage all of our health-related activities. W e are involved ina free public health mission responsible forcounseling on health issues and environment (e.g immunization, teenage pregnancy, scarification, ante natal and post natal care, HIV/AIDS, malarial prevention etc); issuing of mosquito treated nets to pregnant women and under- five children;diagnosis and treatment; collection of data of various categories of disease; research on possible cause of disease; and follow up with innovative solution towards community sustainable development programmes to alleviate identified problems.

Undergraduate / "trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement! [11]

Through my mother's absense I learned that you can do anything if you have the right state of mind.

don't blame her for leaving; I believe her absence has made me an independent woman .

Undergraduate / Review my paragraph on why I'm attending Longview College [3]

Let's work on basics:

Spell out numbers under twenty as well as those that can be expressed in a single word (thirty, fifty, etc.).

That's minor. The chief problem I see here is tense. You start out in present tense but then wobble. Since you made the choice of which college to attend in the past, start in past tense and stay there, with the exception of things that continue to be true (i.e. how many children you have).

So:

I'm currently enrolled in English30 and Math20, yet these classes are below college level.S o, if I were to have entered a University to start my college education, it would most likely have been a wrong decision for me.