Undergraduate / 'the arts began when I learned how to paint' - Rutgers University [4]

They have supported me not only financially, but also in my decisions regarding my education and future career.

In middle school, I decided to study drama, due to my love of movies.

During eighth grade, I participated in the design of a play,---Maybe this should say 'the set design'? I don't know much about plays, so not sure.--- Turandot, and even played one of the roles.

Because of this experience, I became keen on working with others to bring a theatrical production to life and became deeply enamored by the magical power of theater.

I most revered Debussy because of how his music speaks.

Because of the lack of resources in my home country, ---No comma here.--- and my desire to improve my English, I have decided to study in the United States.

Hence, if I have the opportunity to enter your college, I sure will keep testing my limits.

I hope some day that I will be able to make a contribution to my country and make a difference in the arts. Your consideration is much appreciated.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! I hope this is helpful!

:)

Essays / The curious incident of the dog in the night time- How Christopher thinks? [4]

Apparently it's too late to offer you any advice, but we edit essays that have at least been started. You only need a rough outline or a question to get help here on the forum, but we do not write the essays for you!

:)

Graduate / MS in Fish & Wildlife Ecology Statement of Purpose Help [4]

I read it through a couple times, and I think you should wipe out the whole part about baseball. It really detracts from the part about your 9 years in the navy! The fact that you spent nine years doing anything, looks so great on a college app. It shows dedication, maturity, intelligence, etc. And the fact that it was in the navy makes it that much better! The part about baseball gives the impression that you still harbored a childhood dream or were kind of wishy-washy, if you know what I mean. How about like this;

As a Navy Engineer for nine years, I felt for a while that the most obvious and direct choice for a career was in mechanical engineering. But I wanted to pursue something more meaningful, something that could lead to a better understanding of our impact on the planet and to preserve for future generations the natural areas that I grew up loving. This is why I chose to pursue a career in ecology.

Undergraduate / "22 Paribagh" - University of Wisconsin [3]

Throughout my entire life I have asked myself "Am I important"?

I have always refrained from activities and events in which I deemed that my participation would not change the outcome by a major degree. ---Always leave a space between your sentences!

I have spent my entire life in the small neighbourhood of "22 Paribagh".

My entire childhood has been surrounded by my cousins, for we lived in a joint family.

Some people may turn up their noses at the loss of individualism and independence, but I would argue that the togetherness it brings, along with the utmost of pampering (I being one of the younger cousins) more than tips the scale.---Lucky!

It is this sense of unity and togetherness, which I have been taught my entire life, that I plan to bring to the University community.

This allows me,---Don't forget to leave a space after each comma or other punctuation mark.

...Bengali by birth, to contribute both to the Indian and Bengali communities at the University.

I have been playing soccer for five years now and have participated in many underground tournaments, and have also played on the school team.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Ordering a special electrode. [2]

Thank you for your helpful recommendation.

As I said, I should use intramuscular electrodes for stimulating muscles in rats .

C urrently, ---Always start your sentences with capital letters!---I use a special stainless steel wire whichit is purchased from A-M S ystem Inc (catalog number: 792300) with a 330 micrometer diameter.

I need an electrode with 7 strands of such wires and with your electrode's configuration.

The diameter of the electrode shouldn't be more than 1 mm, and the length of the electrode should also be considered.

I hope this helps!

:)

Essays / A time when you were very fascinated with something - Paragraph of Essay? [2]

Do you have something in mind as to what you'll write about which has fascinated you? This assignment sounds like a lot of fun to me! Write your essay and send it back here along with the list of words, and I'll show you how to fluff it up by inserting them. Don't worry, it'll be easier than it sounds!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I live a vegan lifestyle' - issue of importance [3]

Over the years, I have heard of negative remarks and horror stories about slaughterhouses but I turned a blind eye to the severity until recently.---I took the liberty of adding a few words for dramatic effect, but you don't have to keep them. :)

I know that for many people, this would not be as significant as it was and still is to me.

The information I've gleaned from my research on slaughterhouses immediately made me want to learn more about the vegan lifestyle.

It takes seventy-eight calories of fossil fuel to produce one calorie of beef protein but only one calorie of fossil fuel to produce one calorie of soybeans. Even as one person I can make a difference in the future of our planet with my one choice.---You have used the word 'one' five times in these two sentences. If you reword it a little, it won't seem so repetitive.

I very firmly believe that people should be able to think whatever they want and that people with opposing views should never try to force their ideas onto others.

However, this always leaves the question of whether or not omnivores have made an educated choice or have chosen to make their decision with a lack of facts about the issue.

The most obvious struggle for me is not giving in to the temptations of non-vegan foods.

I hope this helps! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'leading the research-based learning(RBL)' - Georgia Tech an extracurricular activity [2]

Among all the activities I have participated in, leading the research-based learning(RBL) group in high school was the most rewarding one.

Our research group has made many achievements, including three national patents and two innovation contest awards .

The first thing I learned from this group was how to cooperate with other people efficiently.

In the beginning of my group experience, I made a mistake: listening to opinions of others with my own preconceived ideas, which caused my failure to consider suggestions objectively.

Thanks to him, I realized that I could truly benefit from other people's opinions, but only after I had put my own preconceived ideas aside.

The other thing that made me impressive ---an impression on me was the distance between practice and theory in research.

W hen we finally put our plan, which was discussed repeatedly by us, into practice, we still found several design defects, which made me realized that those theoretically practical things can not be called "practical" until they are tested by practicing .

Everyone in the group has something worth learning from.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'If I were a biomedical engineer...' - Colorado Boulder Prompt #1 [5]

Throughout my life I have seen many members of this family struggle with health issues: my cousins who have cystic fibrosis, my grandmother who had stage 3 breast cancer, and my sister who has severe cerebral palsy.

Having so many family members who have had health problems, as well as experiencing my own battle with cancer, has greatly affected me and my lifelong aspirations.

If I were a biomedical engineer, I would be in a position to help other people who are in situations similar to the ones that my family has faced.

Luckily, my family has overcome the hardships it has faced, but this wouldn't have happened without the help of various medical professionals.---How do you overcome cystic fibrosis? Cerebral Palsy? Maybe you should say something more like '...learned to cope..'?

On top of this, I would also be able to research new ways to diagnose and combat diseases, specifically childhood cancers.

Your essay is great. Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / "Miss Empire State" - Macaulay Honors [2]

"Miss Empire State" is what my banner read, as I walked around the lobby of the Hilton Hotel at the Disney Resorts.

So there I was, pretending to be all smiles while missing 3 precious days of AP classes, not being able to work on my art portfolio, not giving my college applications the full attention they deserved, and not being able to spend Thanksgiving with all my family and friends, and to top it all off, not having any internet connection.

The pageant was not just about being surrounded by bubbly and pretty girls, it was about meeting sophisticated young women who would lead the world of tomorrow.

They were all at the top of their classes, volunteered countless hours in their communities, and held countless recognitions---What does it mean to 'hold a recognition'? for their accomplishments.

But I began to understand and appreciate opportunities like this pageant, where I could come out from that shadow and shine, showing the world my own potential.

I did not have to win the title of Miss American Teen to have walked away from that pageant and said I wasfeeling more confident, more self-assured, and more grateful for opportunities like these.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / (Michele Morano's Grammar Lessons: The Subjunctive Mood) - English 101 [2]

Using nine different sections of different subjects on the subjunctive mood, ...

Morano extends her purpose of helping others learn, using these strategies from her many personal experiences to prove and demonstrate the subjunctive mood and how it has been disconnected from our language.

Using real-life examples from both the United States and Spain, she elaborates on her experiences to explain the next portion of the subjunctive mood.

Leaving the United States, Morano left behind a failing relationship with an immature and suicidal boyfriend all to teach English to countless University students across Spain.

Morano soon goes on to give definitions of the indicative mood, what's real or definite, and the subjunctive mood, what ---Should 'what' be 'which'?---is indecisive.

One item that becomes easily noticeable the further and further you advance through the text are the character names, or lack thereof.

Through A second hand view of her experiences and the way the reader is put in her shoes will help them...

Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Mathematics has become an indispensable part of my life' -educational interstst [3]

I could spend many hours studying Math.

My passion for Mathematics remained entirely until now and maybe will be with me forever.

And I did not know whenNow I realize that Mathematics has become an indispensable part of my life.

I learned in a school with very good quality classes in the sciences, especially Math.

I could easily find friends who had the same passion about Mathematics as me, besides the good and enthusiastic teachers.

That is reason why I apply to the University of Minnesota and hope this will be where I am studying in the future.

Viet Nam is now developing at quite a fast pace, and the country is in need of fresh and advanced ideas about science, which I will bring back from abroad.

I intend to have a worthy opportunity to contribute to the development of my country.

Upon my return, I will firstly use my knowledge in a specific field to work for a few years, while increasing my ideas independently.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / issue of importance to you-problem with combining cultures [3]

America is known as the melting pot to many because there are so many groups of diversity coming together into one country.

This couldn't happen without immigrants, and the majority of them came here to live the ' American Dream' .

Despite the fact that they are raising their children in American , they have a strong grip on making sure their children will take onretain their ethnic culture.

For example, a Indian-American friend of mine's parents started looking into arranging a marriage for her at the age of 17.

I have to test out which aspect of the American culture I like while representing my ethnicity culturally.

As I said before, America is like a melting pot because of these varieties of different culture people, but what doesn't make sense is how could representing and practicing your own culture be not "fitting in?" ---Good point!

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'At 15 my father asked me to work at his home' - USC MAcc program [3]

In the beginning, I was obligated to make payments to self-employed manufacturers to whom some small orders were outsourced.

Later, I helped the factory's only accountant clerk during weekends and holidays, inputting computer data and verifying receipts.

Constant patience and caution served me well.

At the same time, I found myself becoming very passionate about accounting.

Thus, after my high school years, I chose to come to America to continue my education in accounting.

However, graduate school means more than an education for me.

Therefore, building up a strong (It seems like there is a word or two missing right here.) networking becomes my most important motivation to continue education and that is the reason why USC is so attractive to me, because it has the strongest alumni network in the country- the Trojan Family.

Being a part of the Trojan family will enable me to access valuable resources outside the classroom, including distinguished people with diverse backgrounds and exciting experiences, useful career tips and job information, and enjoyable social activities.

Good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / MS in Fish & Wildlife Ecology Statement of Purpose Help [4]

I was ready to back you up all the way with the more personal essay, because I read these all day long and look forward to the more personal story type essays. In this case however, you have such a perfect and great essay the way you were advised to write it, and is every bit as interesting and personal as the second one, and sounds much better. One of the reasons for this, is because the whole first paragraph of the second essay makes it sound as if you really have no idea what you want to do, and even if you think you're sure now, it's still subject to change.

The second essay seems long and slightly confusing, though it does tell a lot about you. What you want though, and what they want, is to know what kind of a student you'll be. The first one is a little more business like, but still it shows how intelligent, mature, interesting, well rounded and serious you are. They'll know for sure that they'll be very lucky to have you as a student. The second one is great too, but they don't care what you did before so much as what you'll do at the school. I mean except for the parts about your intended studies. You'll be able to use the other essay some time though, but for this, I think you should heed the advice you've been given. Good luck with school, that sounds like a great and exciting profession. My dad was friends with Jacques Cousteau and worked in underwater construction, salvage, rescue, etc. and I spent much of my youth lying around in piles of rigging...I know how the sea gets in your blood. Good luck in all you do!

:)

Graduate / 'Finding one's true calling' - SOP MFA in Design [2]

He listened carefully, then shed a different perspective to these occurrences .

My brother, a doctor by profession, said it could also mean the country is progressing, people are going to work and people have work.

I am always fascinated by how doctors view developments in our society; they give us designers a platform to initiate another level of communication.---This doesn't seem to make sense. Why doctors? Do they share a unique perspective?

Whether or not the next traffic light will be green is an exciting game of chance, and the anticipation of what lies ahead gives me the push to keep on driving. ---I really like this sentence a lot!

My career goals had started to take shape the day I decided I wanted to study Communication Design.

I am a dreamer, a thinker, and as a designer, my primary job is to communicate ideas and provide solutions to my audience in a visually sound manner.

... me bring my vision to life, but also give me the skills to focus my attention on the need for design education and implementation.

Like I mentioned earlier, the traffic jams are indicators that we need to slow down and reflect upon and introspect how we want to progress.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'As a Culture mixer.' - Essay [5]

Each of my four grandparents comes from four different cities, and I was born in Hohhot, the capital of Inner Mongolia in mainland China.

I spent most time of my childhood in the city; it was a good opportunity for me to get in touch with the history and traditions of the Mongolian people and Muslim Culture.

Some part of my family moved to Calgary, Canada, and they made a decision to send me to America to have a better education.---America or Canada?

To be honest, as a "culture shocker ", this experience was not really exhilarating for me.

They are valuable advisers because they supported me in studying abroad so I can see the world with open eyes.

From a "culture shocker" to a "culture mixer", I learned, gained, became more mature, no longer afraid adapt to the new world.

Great essay! I was very surprised to learn that people in Mongolia are Muslim! I guess it's true that you learn something new every day! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I want to study psychology' - major UC transfer Prompt 1. [2]

His mother, a middle aged heavy Hispanic lady with thick eyebrows, brown eyes and a smile so big that it brightens the room, was preparing his favorite afternoon meal.

He was hungry and was looking forward to after his meal so he could go play with his friend across the apartment hall.

Scared and with great anxiety, he began to scream and call to his mother for help.

On her knees praying with tears running down her face, she got up and ran outside the door and down the stairs of her apartment building seeking for assistance.

This illness made my parents go to great lengths in order to help me cope with the disorder.

It was not easy for my family to find help.

After saving enough money, my parents managed to fly me out of the country to search for help.

This is the reason why I want to study psychology.

I do not want people to eat horse feces or rub aloe vera all over their face in an attempt to cure their psychological problems.

There is not a lot of help available and many people who are psychologically illnesses do not like to seek the help.

I like the way you write! Good luck with school, and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'accounting interests me'-motivations for MAcc & how this program fits in career goal [4]

Lack of accounting consideration, I made no decisions.---I don't understand this sentence.

Accordingly, I figured out the correct direction of development and worked out the suitable proposal, finally.

For enterprises, accounting develops to participate, and even direct in the strategic scheme and sustainable development of company businesses .

With my interests into accounting, I set my goals to pursue a successful career in the industry.

Since I am exposed to various enterprises in different industries, I will have a deep understanding of the financial operations and can decide which industry I would like to specialize in.

Such a position requires me to combine professional theories and experience with leadership skills to make advanced financial strategies.

Apparently a masters in accounting is of great importance.

The excellent alumni association in Marshall School provides me the chance to get in touch with graduates and elites in the accounting industry, which can deepen my understanding of it .

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Research Papers / Joseph Heller's Catch-22 research paper topic [4]

I'm borrowing some advice EF Kevin gave to another student;

You need to write about a topic he wrote about or a topic that "emerges" as you read his work. All you really need, probably, is a great theme.

When a fascinating person reads something, his reaction is fascinating. Write your reaction and make up a term to represent your theme. If I choose a theme for you, it will be basd on my mind instead of yours. I think you should do this:

write several paragraphs about selections from the story. Use a topic sentence for every paragraph. That way, each para will be like one observation you make about his work.

After you have a lot of paragraphs written (make any observations you want to make about his work!), look to see what theme is emerging in your writing. Post them here and we will help!

:-)

Undergraduate / 'very close to my family' - personal statement prompt two for ucs [2]

The past three years have been very difficult for both my family and I.

In the years 2008 and 2010, I lost two of my cousins, due to cancer.

Seeing them in the hospital, struggling to live, made me lose faith and motivation.

I saw life as bleak and unfair and didn't really see a point to it. The loss of my 21 year old and 10 yr old cousin highly impacted me. I was very close to both of them, and not having them a part of this world made me very sad. Life without them was definitely different. ---I think you should rearrange the essay with this part coming right after the third sentence.

I think your essay would be even better, if you tell a little more about your grandfather. Good luck with school.
I'm very sorry about your cousins.

Undergraduate / 'Patience; are you almost done with your drawing?'- applytexas essay [2]

In this day and age, technology is so advanced that people are so used to everything being fast.

I stayed after school in my art class to use paint and color pencils on my artwork in order to finish it.

While I was there, I had some pictures taken next to my artwork and my sister did as well.

I noticed that most of the artwork was done by high school students, which made me feel confident in my artistic capabilities.

All the silver key winners were called up one by one to receive their awards .

As I walked back to my seat, holding it in my hand, I thought about how lucky I was to have had this amazing opportunity.

Even though many of the other winners had years of experience, I'd had the patience to get my job done.

Great essay! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Do we force students into college?' - English [2]

While some truly don't have the intellectual ability, should we be placing all the blame on college being too hard, or are our high schools for not preparing us well enough?

---------------

There will always be those who have their opposing views and go directly into the work force after high school .

From what I see of your essay, it's good and strong. Your wording is fine, not confusing at all. Feel free to post the entire essay here, it does not matter how long it is. Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / what order should these sentences go in? UT Austin Plan II Essay [2]

I think they would look more like they're in chronological order if they go, 5, 2, 3, 1, 4. Also, I have to say you're an excellent writer. All of your sentences are so descriptive and poetic, it makes me wish they were part of a book. It made me feel happy to read them, and that you would be a fun and interesting person to know. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Building confidence and expressing creativity through video proj - UC Essay #2 [2]

I've had an undercover passion for film and television since I saw Kill Bill at age 13, so needless to say, I was covertly excited.---I finally saw that recently, it was awesome!

I finally had a chance to pop open the vacuum sealed scene cuts, camera angles and dramatic score combinations that had been pickling on a mental shelf .---You are an excellent writer, I love this!

Even with all the effort and love I had poured into my debut film,---I changed this a little...or you could say, ..'with which I nurtured my...'

Even worse, I dreaded seeing my group mates' faces when they saw it for the first time.

The finished product just didn't seem to justify the time that went into it.

As my clammy hands went into autopilot, I rapidly emptied the popcorn bowl. My shins were sweating.---Ha ha, this is great!

This is so great, and I love the expressive and descriptive way you write! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the things we look at change' - essay for community college [2]

Only a few months ago, I glanced at the SAT and ACT tests like they were monsters impossible to beat so I did not face them.

But as I was getting closer to the end of my High School Senior year, I should made fundamentals decisions for my future. life.

On a beautiful Saturday morning I sat down and I pictured myself inseven years from than moment.

I visualized myself dressed like a Pharmacy Doctor graduated from Penn University.

Since then, I've considered the tests steps toward my dreams.

I thought it would be a difficult place with tough teachers.

College will provide me knowledge about my intended profession.

Now I dreamed myself resembling a Pharmacy Doctor and I look at SAT, ACT and College fearlessly.

Although I know that overcoming those obstacles will require hard work, I think that changing inside and looking from a different angle will change our surroundings and the world.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Dad, father, the old man, pop' - UT- ESSAY 1 [3]

Often waking me up early on weekend mornings to do work around the house, he tried to instill the same values my grandfather had instilled in him.

After attending both the local community college and university, he received a masters degree in public health.

Then out of nowhere, he decided that he wanted to be a lawyer.

One school, Texas Southern University, decided to give him a chance and he was later on enrolled for the following semester.

After many long nights of studying, he was able to receive his JD.

All of this took place when I was still young, so most of it didn't mean much to me.

Great essay and a wonderful tribute to your dad! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / Goals Statement - Master of Education with Specialization in Instructional Technology [4]

You're welcome! We're neighbors-I live in Hernando County, in Brooksville!

Undergraduate / 'the tv show bones' - USC Supplement [2]

When asked what my major was going to be, I always replied "undecided," because I couldn't choose between all the fields of study that I am interested in.

One reason I am interested in Cognitive Sciences is that I really like the show "Bones" and I would love to learn about what the characters in the show are experts in.---I LOVE Bones!

Watching the show also only stimulated my pre-Bones-existing interest in Psychology, Anthropology, Philosophy, and Neurology.---Great sentence!

The way you worked in 'Bones' is not silly, it fits in here perfectly. Advertising seems like it would not go typically with a subject like anthropology, but so what? It shows you are a unique individual! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'a script for a Hollywood movie' - Texas A&M [9]

Very few people have had more of an adult life that so closely mirrors a script for a Hollywood movie than my Dad.

When he graduated from college, he was hired as a golf pro.

A year later, my Dad opened Everett's in Missouri.

One day a perky blond haired girl walked into his restaurant and asked for a job.

My Dad started with nothing and eventually worked till he had everything, but then everything he had worked for over twenty years to obtain was stripped from him.

For the last four years, my Dad has been doing whatever it takes to make ends meet to take care of my brother and me.

I know he has tried to instill these virtues in my brother and me during our lives .

I know that he has succeeded, because when I feel like giving up on something, whether a test or a project, I always think of my Dad and his journey over the past four years so I keep going at it until I am satisfied.

Good essay and a nice tribute to your dad!

:)

Undergraduate / SAIC Personal Statement / My Art Is Human [4]

That can only be learned through conversation and time, but by taking that time, we may gain a new friend.

As a human, my art has many secrets, waiting to be found .---How do you feel about changing this word to 'uncovered'?

Exploration has caused me to search for beauty in things people deem ugly, to look at things from many different perspectives, as well as the importance of keeping an open mind.

Through research, I have discovered how to embrace both the differences and the similarities I share with every individual (and has made me great at trivia games).--- :)

This then becomes an endless cycle, as I create to learn, and in learning, I create. This whole experience is art, and my work is a documentation of it. ---These two sentences are so great!

As one of the top rated art schools, I know SAIC will help me thrive, not only as an artist, but also as a person.

I think your essay is awesome. They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

------

Writing Feedback / Do you believe that experimentation on animals for scientific purposes is justified [3]

Everyone uses this for different aims. ---What do you mean by this?

Some people use animals for a scientific purpose, and they think that it is justifiable.

Nowadays, mostly animals are used for testing cosmetic products.

For instance, such companies want to release new products for making more money.

Secondly,turning to the other purpose is for making drugs.

Today every time scientists invent new drugs, and they do not know it whether it will affect for bad or good.

In conclusion, I think that experimentation on animals for a specific purpose such as cosmetic or scientific is not justified.

We should find another way for our experimentation.

:)

Graduate / 'Coming from India' - Statement of Purpose, Computer Science, Masters [2]

Coming from the small town of XYZ in ABC, India, we were never really encouraged to explore areas of interest, let alone identify a potential career on this basis.

Exams and mark-sheets thus became my sole areas of focus, resulting in excellent scores throughout my school years.

When it came to further studies, the socially acceptable options were limited- Engineering or Medical.

My keenness for mathematics easily tilted the balance in favour of Engineering, and the buzz around computers made the choice of specialisation particularly easy!

I think this is starting out pretty great!

:)

Undergraduate / "THE SMALL STEP"-Richmond prompt [3]

I was hoping that at least our religion education teacher would come, but it seemed he was busy in another class (my school had an acute shortage of teachers) and most of the other teachers were simply unwilling to come teach a half-asleep half-awake class.

The students were taking this opportunity to make as much noise as they could, and it was difficult for me to concentrate on my chemistry homework which was due in the afternoon.

I was surprised when half the class welcomed the idea with applause.---This is great!

I remember how scared and excited I was as I stood in front of the class with a piece of chalk in my hand and all eyes on me, wondering what I was going to teach them.

I did this to make the lesson more interesting,unlike of the monotonous and boring lessons we had daily.

We reviewed the topic of human ethics and made references to the Swahili Bible.

I thought to myself as the bell for the end of lesson rang.

Now I am not afraid to try something new every day ---Two words here.--- of my life, because by trying, that is how I learn.

Excellent!

:)

Undergraduate / '1/0= MATH ERROR' - delaware honors essay [2]

Despite the success of community- based health insurance, hospitals, particularly rural ones, were not in a position to service their patients, partially due to the constant power blackouts.

That people still relied on traditional fuels, charcoal, firewood, and cow dung that produced noxious carbon monoxide fumes on combustion, was immensely disquieting to me; more so that my grandmother was one of these people.

If community members could collectively meet their medical costs, then surely the same could be applied in meeting the costs of clean, reliable, alternative energy technologies.

I yearn to not only talk to, discuss ideas with, and draw inspiration from the spirited professors and students on campus, but also share in my experiences, particularly in regards to the numerous problems that I have personally witnessed people living in Africa, struggle through.

You're a very good writer! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / 'SECOND SEMESTER RESUMES' - personal essay: Experiencing life [2]

I was constantly bullied by my peers: they mocked at my running style, made fun of my debating and discouraged me from playing any sport.

While others enjoy themselves outside, I write in my diary.

I sacrificed my whole month rest and stepped out in my tracksuit every early morning when everyone was still asleep.

In the evening, I participated in the usual training.

Soon, we'll have an intra-school cricket competition.

Where the college groomed me as a leader through its competitive student body and nurtured me as a disciplined person, it also taught me how to interact with a diverse community.

Excellent essay! You're a very good writer, I like your style and the way you set this up.

:)

Undergraduate / "Public Cleanliness in Malaysia" -University of Texas Austin Essay B:Importance issue [2]

In today's world of technological advancement, everything changes rapidly in the twinkling of an eye.

However, there is something that is still lacking among every soul that resides in my hometown.

Well, the particular type of cleanliness with which I am concerned, is not about personal hygiene but public cleanliness, the sense of responsibility to keep the surroundings clean.

Recreational areas are always the victims of eyes pollution; even the public toilet, sidewalk, and many other facilities are spotted in an appalling condition.

I can still remember vividly a survey which I had held in my school as a club's project.

Malaysia's drainage system is always the ideal breeding ground for Aedes mosquitoes .

... the problem is not solved completely without actually increasing the public awareness of the benefits of cleanliness.

I amIt is clear at this point, that an unknown like me can't really impact the community enough to look into the problem seriously.

The process of instilling public cleanliness among the people should be done slowly but be well-planned.

Good essay! Good luck with school!

:)

Book Reports / Literary Response Analysis "tell tale heart" [2]

In the worldThere have always been the normal people and then the crazy psychotic people, and that's where the main dangers are.

In Edgar Poe's story, the Tell Tale Heart, a man explains how he kills another man for no real reason, and still believes he is sane.

The man believes he is sane throughout the killing, saying, "You fancy me mad...You should have seen how wisely I proceeded," (355).

This is ironic because the man tells himself it is normal that he is killing a man because of his eye.

Also he admires himself like this is great how good he is doing.---This sentence needs work!

The symbol in this quote was the film over the eye, how the man couldn't see as well what was going on right under his nose.---and also, the killer could not see that he was insane.

The old man wasn't able to see that the one man he had befriended was crazy.

Poe's overwhelming story might only be just a nightmare.

:)

Undergraduate / 'a three year intensive science research course' - Union College [2]

Out Of all the countless options that Union College offers, undergraduate research is one opportunity that stands out the most for me.

Ever Since sophomore year of high school, I've have been involved in a three year intensive science research course.

Even Though I faced many obstacles in this course, I know that my ability in overcoming every one ---Sorry, but this is two words! I hated to do that, seeing I'm looking for words to cut!

Knowing that I would be kicked out of this course if I didn't find a mentor within the first six months, of the course, I knew Isure had an obstacle ahead of me.

At one of my mentor meetings , Dr. DalCol, whom I had never contacted before , said to me ...

While being in this course, not only have I finished one required research,...

I know that the undergraduate research opportunity at Union College will provide me not with the same buteven better research opportunities than the ones I have grown to love.

Here you go! I cut all I could, so it's down by 18 or 19 words.

:)

Graduate / Goals Statement - Master of Education with Specialization in Instructional Technology [4]

Technology has always been a subject of great interest to me, ever since I starting using and working on computers.

One of the main reasons why I developed this interest was because my father worked as a software engineer for Lockheed Martin on the space shuttle program.

He bought me my first computer when they were not as popular and ubiquitous as they are today, leading to an early exposure to computers.

When an career opportunity came up, to take a technology position working for the Pinellas County K-12 school system I jumped on it.

After a few years, I was able to obtain another technology position in the Research and Accountability department.

In this position I was able to further refined my understanding and skills in educational technology.

I hope to gain specific knowledge on how to design courses and trainings using technology.

If the course schedules permit, I would like to take 3 courses in one of the spring or fall semesters, so that I can finish before 2 years.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)