Letters / B.sc in Agricultural Economics- APPLICATION FOR INTERSHIP PROGRAM [3]

My name is OYINLOYEOyinloye Mathew I, and I am a graduate of Obafemi Awolowo University Ile-Ife, Osun-State, Nigeria. I hadhold a B.sc in Agricultural Economics. I hereby applyas ansubmit my application to intern in your reputable organization.

Due the vast skills acquisition have gotten from finishing schoolBased on my knowledge, skills and credentials , I will like tocan confidently undertake an internship training in your reputableesteemed organization in order to use those skills have learnt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Contacting nowadays seems to be not a difficulty anymore; technology [9]


... you need to improve the presentation of this idea;
Nowadays, communicating with each other is not a difficult task.

Writing Feedback / Number of visits to two new music sites on the web - 180,000 / 80,000 [4]

First, you should upload the graph because it is very difficult for us to comment without seeing it.

Writing Feedback / 'prophet Adam' - famous person from history [9]


I quite agree with Pahan. Your writing should always be aligned with the topic/ prompt. Do not go out of topic. First introduce the topic to the reader and then tell whom you wish to meet. Then in your body paras, tell why you picked that person. Give examples to support those justifications. Is this essay for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention the purpose in the title itself :)

Writing Feedback / Movies & TV affect people. 'Vietnamese man who hasn't gone to other countries' [9]

First, it is good if you included the purpose of writing , for example TOEFL , IELTS etc. in the title itself so that it helps you gain more feedbacks :) I understand this is for TOEFL.

Essays / Comparison and Contrast Essay: Block Method [3]

First, introduce the topic in the introduction. Basically you need to introduce your friendship in the intro. Have your body paras separately for similarities and differences between the two of you. Under similarities and differences too, you can further deviations. For example differences/ similarities in physical appearance, characteristics, emotional responses etc. etc. :)

Speeches / Teenagers concern nowadays - weight issue [4]


You need to set up a better link between these two sentences. The diet you talk about in the first sentence is a little different from what it means in the second one. I think you should avoid the second line and connect your theme better with the next line;

Also I like Pahan's suggestion;
They do not wish to look obese as they are very much concerned about how good they look. So they tend to go on crash diets without having much awareness on how adversely such actions might affect them. What they need to know is that they should have a proper diet that contains all seven nutrients in right proportions that ensure a slim fit body for them.

Writing Feedback / The contribution of three different sectors to the UK economy; 'agriculture 50%' [8]

Pay attention to Pahan's suggestion on the structure and re do this accordingly :)

The bar chart illustrates the charity(or contribution)contribution to the UK economybyof three sections, included agriculture, manufacturing and both business and financial services, to the UK economy, during the period between 1990 and 2000.

"charity" means an organization which is set up to provide help and raise money for those in need. This word is totally inappropriate to use in this scenario.

Writing Feedback / Cultural differences should be welcomed by everyone [6]

First, a small admin request :)
You should have opened this essay in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. This essay was found in Undergraduate forum and transferred from there :) Also, it is better if you mention the purpose, e.g. IELTS / TOEFL etc., in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related comments.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - advantages and disadvantages of machines instead of human to do the work [4]

The issue of whether using of machines are bringbrings many advantages to society is of great concern to many people.


.... very good :)


Hey, sometimes we need to switch off machines to give them a break :D ... this line sounds a bit unrealistic

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : success is ten per cent talent and ninety per cent hard work? [7]

:D .... Hey, so you call me chief ....LOL :D
Well, I think you have good contents and also a good understanding about the appropriate structure for this task. However, you need to pay serious attention , first to grammar and then to clarity of your sentences :)

Writing Feedback / Wealthy nation shares to support poor countries at the solidarity among nations [5]


I don't find this sentence adding any value to your essay :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist [7]

Ok, first have a meaningful title for you essay (this title was attended by us)


...this is a confusing statement. Is this what you wanted to say;
Freedom of expression is highly valued in any democratic society.


Therefore, the governments should abstain from controlling freedom of the artists as they need that liberty for their artistic creations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access [8]


Here you are presenting the background of the issue. However, it is not very well presented and I hope you pay more attention to its presentation.

Writing Feedback / Never miss a chance to attend a live performance, its way better than TV at home [4]

First, include your prompt in the post so that we have a better idea about what it expects form you. I guess this is for IELTS or TOEFL (mention the purpose , i.e. IELTS, TOEFL , in the title itself)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The graph below shows how much money was spent on different forms of fun? [4]

The bar chart illustrates the amount of money in billion , which was spent on various types of fun in Asia, Europe and the US in the years 1995 and 2000.

Overall, in all three places, in 1995 people spent less money on entertainment than in 1995 compared to 2000.

In Asia, in 1995, societypeople spent on TV and publishing the most

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Most important room; Bathroom is my essential demand [6]


These few lines sound irrelevant to me :( Begin with a stronger hook;
There is a saying that "Home sweet Home". As it suggests, home is the most loved place for most of the people.

Writing Feedback / Large shopping center in your neighborhood; 'it can increase province income' [7]


Well, you conclude this intro with a question to the reader. However, your prompt expects you to answer the same question. Therefore, it is better that you concluded the intro with an answer to that question. Tell you opinion in a clear statement :)

In the past, people in my neighborhood musthad to go far away if they wanted to shop or buy something that they cannot get in their town.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Universities offer people opportunity to learn and improve their skills [7]

Most peoplestudents consider preparing for careers as the most important reason for attending college. Students will learnacquire more knowledge and skills during the period of studying in the university degree course.They learn the knowledge that are relevant to their career in the future (this sounds repetitive).

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: international students graduated in several canadian regions [10]


I too prefer the word "overall" to "clearly". The reason is that this is a report writing task and therefore the word "overall" compliment that reporting tone more than "clearly" does. I am sure Pahan also would have held a similar view. However, the word "clearly" is also acceptable, yet "overall" sounds better. We always try to help you with the best option ....LOL :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Technology impact on people; Earth has become like a small village [10]

To begin with, nowadays, to keep in touch with loved ones who live in farawayfar away places has become easyeasier than ever.
According to statistics, 40% of people have met even their life partners via the Internet


Well, these ideas are loosely connected. You do not convince the reader that such reason can lead to a divorce :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : success is ten per cent talent and ninety per cent hard work? [7]

Well, you seem to be having a tendency to replace words with advance vocabulary, rather synonyms. This is not a very good habit when it comes to writing. In writing, clarity is what more important and therefore you need to use the most appropriate word that can deliver your idea to the reader. When clarity is lost in your sentences, the words do not serve any purpose to your essay. So, do not replace words with synonyms too often.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Rush vs. Slower Pace [5]


.... the latter part which highlighted gives a contradictory meaning. This is my suggestion;
Modern technologies and globalization have increased the speed of life in the past decades tremendously.in contrast to the previous eras.

If you do not hurryrush,yourselfthen you can take more time for your family and friends.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Student joining education by gender. [4]

The bar charts compareshow/ illustrate/ present the number of male and female in terms of time study attendance during a period of time from 1970 to 1991.

A report by the male chart reveals that there was an increasingincrease over 100 students in the part-time course over 20 year measurements.


This task aims to assess our report writing skills. So, be more formal with your writing !

Writing Feedback / IELTS: E-mail has had a huge impact on professional and social communication, .. [4]

Nowadays, most people use e-mail for communicating and sharing data with individualsothers who live in a long distance. It has an enormous influence on their social lives andas well as careers. In my personal view, E-mail has more positive aspects than negative.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: Physical education plays an important role in pupil's life [4]

Yes, you should follow Pahan's suggested structure. Read those examples to get a good knack about it. For this IELTS task, you need to keep a few things in mind;

First, you should have at least the minimum word count in your essay (no harm if you have more words)
Second, you need to follow an appropriate essay structure that contains all necessary features for you to earn marks
Third, manage time effectively :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: leisure time - joblessness people take the highest place in the race [5]

First, where is the chart? We need to have a look at the chart to provide you with more meaningful feed backs. Use the Attach file(s) feature to upload the images. Make sure you upload those diagrams when you open a fresh thread. It is ok to upload this diagram her :)


Well, this task aims at assessing your report writing capabilities. In report writing, you need to be more formal and writing things in a reporting tone. The above sentence is not appropriate for a report.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'car industry is developing extremely fast' ; traffic problems [7]


which every family pays / which all families pay

Today, income taxes, which every family pays are heavier than before and some of the people will find it difficult to accomplish paying more money for their cars.manage their living expenses.

Writing Feedback / Single career is an old fashion - 'being an expert in one specified sphere' [6]

Throughout history, people have been satisfied by owning a single profession and being an expert in one specified sphere.specific area.
However, I find this idea as bit stereotype :( Even in ancient times there were people who did more than one profession. In my country the native doctors were also farmers. I feel you should be a little careful when you make general statements.

Writing Feedback / Budget control; it is better to enjoy your money than you save your money? [5]

I actually wanted to ask you this question in my earlier comment, but somehow I have missed it out :(
Do you have enough word count here for this task? Your topic suggests that you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL (better mention this fact in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task relevant comments). If this essay is for one of those tasks, then you need to meet their minimum word count to get a decent score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'I can't think too quiet' - Making important decision alone. [7]

Personally, sometimes I cannot make decision without askingto my best friend. So, my choice is always between agree and disagree to make decision alone.(this sentence is meaningless) Firstly, I would like to say that making decision need to hard thinkserious thinking and analyzing. It helps people can getbe successful, and be prudent.

I think you need to follow an appropriate essay structure for this task. Follow what Pahan has suggested you for the intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist [7]

First, I want to request you to have a meaningful title for your essay in the Subject field when you open a new thread. It is the forum rule and it also helps you more feedbacks :)

This title has been attended by us.


.... this sentence has grammar and clarity issues. You need to pay lots of attention to these aspects because there is no point in writing if your ideas do not get across to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall. [4]


This is not a good hook :( Your hook should be catchy and also meaningful and relevant to your topic.
In modern societies, having children hasbirth rates have significantly decreased and they say that by 2030, the elderly population in developed countries will have outnumberedoutgrow the young generation. It is clear that this issue will definitely impact on these states in every aspect of their life if these forecasts comewould be true.

Undergraduate / What is your strength and weaknesses? -- "I am always saved by the last minute!" [4]


These two lines are not well connected. The flow breaks here :(


This is a very good approach :)
I treat each and every person without distinctionany prejudices or discrimination and I always look at someone's eyes sincerely whenever I speak. I would describe myself as a good listener because I am very good at forming anwith emotional understanding when dealing with someone one-on-one. Iothers.

Writing Feedback / Spending money on six consumer goods in Europe between 1980 -1990. 'British spent more' [5]


The chart does not compare, but you do :D ... Also, you need to improve the presentation of this introductory line;
The bar chart presents the amounts spend on six consumer goods by four countries.

Of the six items, the mostmaximum money spent on last photographic film item by customers in German,Italy, France and Britain countries.

Writing Feedback / About my self - education; parent; activities; strength; weakness; end notes [4]


... this is not so clear to me. Do you mean to say;
Although I was born in Lagos, my origins are from Iseyin, Oyo state.


... is your mom a single parent? If so , specify that here itself.

My education and schooling ishad been an adventure, in which I had several experiences from different schools. My first awareness intointroduction to school was atthe Corapraige nursery and primary school, Ojokoro Housing Estate, Meiran, Lagos in which I had my nursery class. which was the elementary school I attended.

Letters / Recommendation Letter for a postgraduate position [3]


... specify the number of years. When you say personally, do you mean as a friend ? Otherwise, do not tough on that aspect.
I have known Ahmed for the last ???? years in the capacity of both his professor and a personal friend. I have been his assigned supervisor for his graduation thesis.

Writing Feedback / IELTS "a subject that you haven't opportunity to study" study religion more deep [6]


This is not a strong hook. It fails to deliver a clear idea :( Better re-do the hook :)


This sentence is incomplete :( if you have the opportunity to study a subject, what would you do? You need to combine that answer here.
I think it is very interesting to knowacquire knowledge about religion from bajuri, jannah, and om.


"knowledge" is a singular noun and there is no word "knowledges"

Undergraduate / Penn State Personal Statement about gaming, how it can lead to success at uni. [4]

Gaming is a large part of my life. If it has taught me anythingeverything , it would be that being the best gamer requires knowledge that will not be useful to win the game itselfalone, but to the to see the world around me.

Competition is aanother characteristic of myself that has also stemmed within me from gaming

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Jewelry or concert tickets; What is more important for you? [6]


Again, this also may not be valid always. Sometimes the prices appreciate, for example, you cannot buy gold for the price that you paid ten years ago. So be careful when making generalizations.