Undergraduate / "Convey to the Reader a Sense of Who You Are" - Columbia and Common App Essay [3]

I have made it my aim to look for these moments, regardless of the setting in which they take place. whether they be in persons, places, or things.

Now you have established these moments as the main idea of your essay, so write about them in the last paragraph. Give this material about King Gustav Adolf its own paragraph, and make your conclusion all about the main idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Life is like a box of chocolates" - COMMON APP Activities Short Essay [4]

Yes, to use this quote, there would have to be a stronger connection between your academics and the movie. Right now, it is pretty random as a theme. This quote is about not knowing what life will give but expecting it all to be nice like chocolates. Your philosophy is different. It's more like, "Life is what you make of it, and what you get is equal to what you give."

Essays / [Sociology/Social Sciences] "Period of Enlightenment" Undergraduate Essay [4]

That's good advice Jonathan.

Elesti, all you have to do is use a good book or article that describes the Enlightenment, and that description will have the answers you need. If you paraphrase a good encyclopedia entry and then cite some good articles, you'll be off to a good start.

:-)

Essays / mother daughter dysfunction in haunting of hill house + interview w/vampir [2]

Oh... so you are looking for mother daughter dysfunction in both of these stories?

Okay, and the specific dysfunction you are supposed to look for has to come from this psychoanalytic perspective? So... well, apparently you are doing this with a psychoanalytic perspective, so what you should do is read some articles about work done with patients who have unfulfilled/unmet nurturing needs/Pre-Oedipal, and can't mature normally.

What articles can you read about this subject?

That is the key, right there. Hone your writing skills by paraphrasing meaningful segments of articles about this kind of dysfunction. Just go to a database and do a search for:

unfulfilled nurturing needs Pre-Oedipal mature

Undergraduate / "Farewell to My Concubine" - Experience: Leave the Comfort Zone [7]

Since I am a girl with a critical shortage of the talent in both singing and dancing from childhood, it is typical that I got blame all day long.---> ha ha, good sentence. You are not short of talent in writing.

Whenever a sentence gets too long with too many commas, and you think it seems awkward -- use a dash or two:
During that period, I and my roommate, an optimistic girl from Hong Kong, encouraged each other -- although at first we could hardly understand one another's language.

You are very clever! Thanks for all the help you have been giving here at EF!

Undergraduate / USC Transfer Essay Prompt - What Matters To Me & Why [4]

I want to be successful like them in the future and the only way to do that is to start at the beginning: with education.---> this is a good sentence! Let it be the last sentence of paragraph 1.

Start paragraph 2 this way:
It is true that life is full of ups and downs, but the endgame remains the same. Attending a prestigious college with a degree is what matters to me. Ever since I was a child, I have been living...

That is a good transition.

During the 5th grade was a very difficult time for me because---> You should PRECEDE this sentence with a good topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph... it should be a good topic sentence that tells what point you are making in the paragraph.

You write very well, but google this: how to write good topic sentences

Writing Feedback / My parents' shouting matches - UCF obstacles/bump in the road [4]

Hello, I thin it might be better to mention the fighting briefly, and then talk about the home away from home. It will intrigue the reader if you start with a sentence about their fighting, but cut out the dialogue:

My parents' shouting matches were always shaking up my house during my youth . Sometimes, I could not even finish my homework. "You keep spending but won't pay off any debts" and "I work the money, I can do whatever I want". I began turning into a very angry child and had a short temper at school. The little child that was me would often think to herself, why do my parents argue? Is it somehow my fault? I am so worthless; What can I do if I cannot even stop my parents from arguing? The only other thing I can remember about my childhood is just wanting to escape. I found refuge...

Undergraduate / [Application essay]Dream to study abroad ... [10]

Hello! I want to suggest cutting out this first paragraph. It is not because your insights are not good; it is because it would be so nice for the essay to start with this:

I used to think that I would become a teacher and not a businesswoman. I was born in a traditional family, and my parents were teachers, so I was deeply impacted by their thoughts. However, I changed...

Undergraduate / About gratitude I have learned (common application main essay) [8]

Last time I went to churc h, I played Canon in D in guitar version during the service.

Good insights here!
If I had not volunteered to wash dishes and worked with others in the church kitchen on the Wednesday night supper, I would not have realized that there was also collectivism in this individualistic society. Without having helping out with Sunday school lessons to the kindergarten kids, I would not be familiar with all the Christmas and Easter stories.

Undergraduate / UC essay- Learn form your mistakes [3]

This turned out to be o One of my biggest strengths turns out to be the ability to make a mistake, no matter how big or small, and ensure that it never happens again ------> how do you know none of them will happen again?

Okay, actually... know what I think? Try cutting everything before this excellent sentence:
Starting high school I made a lot of mistakes, I made ...the ability to make a mistake, no matter how big ...time I accomplish something I always savor the moment of success. Success tastes even sweeter...

That success sentence is a great place to start. Let it be what presents you to the reader. Nevermind getting all down on yourself about bad decisions in the ninth grade; I'm sure you'll explain that in the rest of the essay.

Yes, the essay is very nice without those first few sentences! What do you think of chopping them out?

Undergraduate / Interesting and to the point? UWisc,madison essay [3]

What did you mean about giving tuition for other students? Did you mean tutoring?
I think it looks nicer to write it as one word: taekwondo.
You make a really good case for the assertion that you understand cultural differences. I think tis is quite well-written.
You start too many sentences with ing verbs. Don't let your writing be to full of those sentences. They are good, but don't use too many. Growing up... etc.

Undergraduate / Basketball is not only for killing time - it's part of my life, it's in my blood [6]

I think Edgar meant to suggest:
I realized that a lot can be learned from basketball, including the...

or even better, the active voice:
I realized that one can learn a lot from basketball, including the...

This sentence is unnecessary: It was another fine session of basketball. It is better to omit that sentence and combine its paragraph with the next one, so that you describe your satisfaction with the game as it relates to what can be learned from the game. It is what can be learned from it that makes this essay meaningful.

The last paragraph seems to be about something other than basketball. I think you should use that last paragraph to reflect on how your life would be different if it were not for basketball.

This last sentence: Thus I am grateful and satisfied, as I edge that much closer towards life. -----> you are supposed to be already experiencing life, not edging closer to it!

Writing Feedback / Why I want to attend Brandeis [3]


I don't know if "come to grips with" is the right phrase. Doesn't it mean something like "cope with" as if it is something very bad?


Prove it. Add a sentence after this claim that shows special insight you have gained into IR. What have you learned? What do you think it is that makes the UN so dysfunctional? What are some scholars writing about the UN these days? Right after making this claim that you have been learning about IR, prove it by sharing a sentence of insight.

:-)

Undergraduate / My UCAS Statement of Purpose- political science and international relations [3]

As a way of being respectful to the dead, you might want to say "affected me as deeply" instead of saying "affected me more deeply." When things are at a certain level of horrible, it is better to refer to them all as equally unthinkable. This is only my own thought, and not a rule of style, so I hope I am expressing it correctly.

That dark day impacted me as deeply as 9/11, because Mumbai is close to my Bangalore home than New York is . And now I don't think you should do a paragraph break; just keep writing this in paragraph 1. A year later, while...

Near the end, please tell the second and third steps as well. A person with a plan is a person who can make a real difference.

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]


These are good examples, by the way, good choices.


Yes, this is great introspection. maybe premature is a better word here than instantaneous.

Undergraduate / "we need to learn how to think" -comm [6]

Beautiful. You are doing very well. I'll add some commas:
... a little over four, and before I knew it he had s lapped me and ordered me to ask for forgiveness.

Another comma:
I promised, b ut my question lingered on.

I was born inquisitive; When I was young, I asked my father why a pan of water eventually evaporated, and my father remarked that what I needed to comprehend the answer was a brain at least ten years more mature. This was when I decided to become an answer-seeking individual. ---> this way, it does not sound superficial. It was unclear before.

It is probably not good to question the "values," because values are generally about love and positive regard. You can write: I have always been scorned for questioning religions dogma. "Dogma" is different from values.

Undergraduate / Family culture/enviroment influences and why i choosed to apply UCF essay [5]

Overdose is one word, not two.

I think you need to bolster the connection between the tragedies and the application to this school. Obviously, these experiences must play a big role in determining your worldview, and so they must influence your choice of career. How is this school perfect for someone with your career intentions?

See, at the end, you just talk very generally about how the school has many wonderful clubs and an amazing program, but what makes it better for you, specifically better for you, with your specific insights, intentions, and interests?

This sentence is unclear:
From being taken away by DCF, to witnessing horrific events, of my dad deaths, to either one of my parents over dosing on drugs.
how about:
From being taken away by DCF to witnessing horrific events -- including my dad's death and both my parents overdosing on drugs -- I have gained special perspective on the human experiences of disappointment and sorrow.

Writing Feedback / Kermit the Frog lamented that it's not easy being green. Do you agree? [4]


Very clever! Hey, I think you ought to leave the ending alone, because it fits perfectly with the rest of the essay. And it shows your familiarity with the practice of being green. The details of this essay combine with your clever writing style to make it a winner -- because when you give the AO something she will actually enjoy, it puts you worlds ahead of the competition. Nice job.

Undergraduate / Why engineering-an experience that sparked your interest in engineering [6]

My interest in engineering environmental engineering actually comes from my experiences of a river near the house where I grew up. originally .

Flowing into the Grand Canal, the river is encompassed by wheat fields stretching to the horizon.---good sentence!

This is really nice, now.

The falling river takes me back to those bygone days when I went there for inspiration -- writing or math problems, sunny days and drizzling days -- when clear ripples and endless rippling wheat created an ideal place for my thoughts to gallop. The river was an indispensable part of my life. I really hope I can cure it some day .

Undergraduate / Poverty - Common App. Essay on a National Concern to You [5]

It seems strange to say poverty causes pregnancy. If there is a specific research study associated with this claim, you should cite it in parentheses (i.e. like in APA citation style).

Also, because of where you placed that sentence -- at the end of the first para -- it seems like it is going to be the theme of the essay: poverty causes teen pregnancy and homelessness. What is the real theme of the essay? I think the real theme is something like, "poverty is a societal ailment that can be mitigated if we pay more attention to it." This is a theme that applies to the whole essay. I think a broad them, like this one, will be applicable to the whole essay.

Undergraduate / Research and independence essay- include an abstract or summary of your work [3]

Right here, you should not use a capitalletter after a semi-colon:
Factories side by side occupy the space that is intended for farmland; bu stling freeways spread in the rural place.

Stephanie has a good point; write it in more scientific terms by outlining any specific research methods and findings -- but if you have no specific methods to describe, I think it is okay the way you have it. That is why they asked for abstract OR outline. But in this essay, and experiment is discussed, so it would be good to tell the details of the experiment.

Environment protection still has a long way to go, and I hope to make my own contributions to this noble cause someday.-----> right here, again, it would be good to be more specific about your intentions, if you can. Do you have a plan for action? This is impressive, but more specifics would be better. Artfully incorporate them! :-)

Undergraduate / "my family belongs to a catholic religion" [7]

.but my family belongs to a catholic religion. I started to accept Jesus as my Savior when...

I'm not sure if "savior" is supposed to be capitalized in the Catholic tradition, but I'm sure "Catholic" is supposed to be capitalized.

I was in third grade but I never really understood how ______ Christian life would be.

I suggest first person tense:
I thought if I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I would be saved and that's it.

Verb tense consistency:
As I grew older I began to get confused of about what I believed in, because Baptists and Catholics have differences in what they believe in and in how they worship God. What do Baptists have to do with any of this? This is the first mention I heard of Baptists.

As a sophomore and junior, I realized that it doesn't matter what religion you have, what matters is that how Jesus save you as a sinner and how will you bring back all the glory to Him. Good sentence! But it's unclear. Do you mean, then, that it does not matter which denomination you belong to, but that you have to be a Christian, or do you mean what you said about "it doesn't matter what religion you have," because Jesus could be working through lots of spiritual leaders from lots of traditions?

About what to write next: make a comparison between what you found out about spirituality with what you figured out about your chosen field of study. What specific goals do you have for the future, and what fascinates you?

Undergraduate / Writing an essay on a diverse experience? [7]

I just looked at it again, and I think it would be better without the first paragraph. If it begins with that paragraph 2, it will realy be intriguing right from the start.

Know what I mean? It is not anything all that bad about the first part; it is that para #2 is so strong, I think it should be where the essay starts. This way, the opening para will end with:

Then I entered Academy for Environmental Leadership (AEL).

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

In this sentence, I think you need different adjectives:
I thought this would be the most abominable meaningless research paper ever, but it turned out to be the most insightful one yet be an experience that showed me the value of modern art.

Maybe that idea I offered is not quite right; what do you think? It would be good to state that it taught you the importance of modern art. And I like the way you discuss it in the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]


Right here, you sort of leave the reader hanging. You should list those interesting findings, maybe even in the form of a bulleted list. Give some good, solid support for the rest of the essay by reinforcing this intro.

That's what I think...

:-)

Undergraduate / Being the captain for my school's soccer team - elaborate on one of your activities [3]

I am not involved in every club in my school; however, I have great passion for soccer soccer team I participate in. Being the captain for my school's soccer team for two years, I have had the opportunity...

I see Yang and Rebecca gave great feedback here! I think this essay needs one solid, meaningful observation right at the end. Make it the "moral of the story." Give one more excellent, thoughtful sentence.

Undergraduate / Common Application essay + short answer: [ a spelling bee and artistry.] [5]

Yes, I have time! And thanks for helping so many other people lately...


After you give us the image of eyes, and challenge our imaginations to think of what wordlust in one's eyes might look like, you should use imagery in order to show us something. Show us a scene by using other imagery words. You mentioned eyes, so show us something in that first paragraph.

Again, imagery words will fit well in this sentence, so that its idea is set in a scene -- perhaps at the location of the spelling bee:

In order to make the cut, a contestant must have extraordinary dedication and stamina.---> can you lengthen this sentence by adding some imagery words?

Here is a good image!---> The morning of the bee competition, I felt well-rested as a caught sunbeams in my open mouth with a drowsy yawn.

I think tis is great, and you have lots of success in your future, for sure.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

Wait a minute, now, you're first paragraph is about 2 different ideas! One paragraph = one idea. Let that first paragraph give the essay's MAIN idea, and then write a thoughtful paragraph about the experience of growing up in a small town as it affects someone with your specific, unique aspirations.

Here is where your writing becomes excellent: one essay = one big idea, expressed in the first and last paragraphs, and supported by sub-ideas in the middle paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Geerd Diercksen, Essay A: some one who has made an impact in your life [7]

Naniella,

I sure do think they will appreciate you despite grammatical errors. It is so impressive for you to be bilingual, and if people at some schools can't appreciate that, they are not the right schools!

Mustafa,
Ha ha, I'm not surprised to learn that you share my drawing disability. It's nice to know others who understand, ha ha. And you have an excellent way of explaining the inability to manipulate objects mentally, visually. Similarly, I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know. So... I can understand how some people can have a mental block against writing, as you described.


I don't know... it sure is complex enough, but it conveys lots of misunderstanding, too! James Mitose wrote, "Words are a difficult means of communication, even when language and cultural backgrounds are common factors."

Writing Feedback / Term paper on appearance vs. reality [3]


This first paragraph starts in an interesting way, but before you start quoting the prologue, you should introduce the title and author.

I suggest you do a paragraph break after "hero rather than a demon." So that paragraph 2 startw with a good topic sentence followed by, "As told in the prologue..."

But then go back and edd to paragraph 1 so that it becomes a full paragraph about the main idea of the essay. Refine the essay down to one meaningful sentence, and give that sentence to conclude paragraph 1.

:-)

Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Hi Shakeela, I think the best book to use to improve your skill is one that you will enjoy. Read for pleasure, but make yourself read aloud, so that your mind will be deeply filled with the language. Read English aloud 10 minutes each day. Read a book by Ursula LeGuin.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay about myself for Georgetown-feedback [7]

Awesome, this is great writing. You know, I am not surprised, because some of the best writers I know have OCD in some form or another. It manifests differently in all of us...

I think you should ditch the part about The point of this application is me simply posing a question.
Will you help me do it? ... and replace it with some evidence that their school is the best place for you. Instead of that plea, make a case for the reason it absolutely is best for someone with your specific plans to be at this specific school because of certain faculty members or resources.

Undergraduate / Brown University Supplemental: Influence or Inspiration [2]

I stared at this for a long time before I could figure out what I wanted to say about it. I think the whole first para has got to go, because it says very little, but uses a lot of words to say it.

You could start with this:
Beginning with the first day of class, Advanced Placement Physics surrounded...

After this, just call it physics class without calling it AP all the time. It is better to always strive for efficiency, writing each idea without too many unnecessary words.

And then... after starting with para #2, it would be good to establish a clever theme based on a creative way of thinking about the experience. For example, you noticed the way a good teacher can achieve an atmosphere of discipline. Sometimes in business, this is called a culture of discipline. Maybe you will get a good idea if you read about a "culture of discipline" in Good to Great by Jim Collins. Read your para #2, and read what Collins has to say about "culture of discipline," and see if you get a good idea about a theme for this essay -- as you extend it to 500 words.

Undergraduate / 'I have three very close friends'; an ethical dilemma that challenged you. [6]

Two of them acquired the habit of cheating in our (name of class) class.

This is not boring. You are doing well!

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement: First Part of Engineering Supplemental [7]

Don't hyphenate time to time.

...help me assemble a computer as his way of giving me a Christmas present. for that Christmas. ----> sounds like he has been a wise teacher to you.

No need for this sentence I'll cross out:
Instead of telling me specifically what to do, he only walked me through each step. He gave me the advice I needed and counseled me. Because of his encouragement, I was able to install the CPU, despite my nervousness.

Undergraduate / In my free time, I trawl the net, looking for physics problems. [6]

In my free time, I trawl the Internet , looking for physics problems.

What do you mean about "physics is like *****" ? I don't get it! :-)

Essays / Medea, Oedipus: Comparative essay between two Greek tragedies [4]

Usually, you are supposed to write an essay that shows both similarities and differences. Is tha the case? You know both stories, so you know they are both tragedies involving families. You already named some differences, and you can explain the differences by talking abou the different themes. I always recommend Sparknotes, but not as a way to avoid reading the plays; use Sparknotes' "Themes, Symbols, and Motifs" to hep you understand and then go back to the Shakespeare.

sparknotes.com/drama/oedipus/themes.html

Similarities include forbidden love, misunderstandings, death...

Graduate / Admissions essay for masters in chemical engineering [10]


I was saying you should include a sentence WITHIN the first para that lists the topics. "In order to prove my point about apples, this paper will include brief discussion of apple-pickers, apple-sellers, and apple-eaters."

After that, it will seem like the essay has very nice structure. The organization is pleasing to readers in the way that a very organized kitchen is pleasing to the eye.

:-)

Undergraduate / MIT essay. A time you used your creativity. [8]

Do you want to use a dash in this sentence? Like this:
This method was also inconvenient and difficult for people like me -- who did not have any painting ability. like me.
I like it that way.

Don't write most favorite. "Favorite" means "most preferred" already.
It would be this:
When I was 8, the most favorite game in my place was playing with paper toys.

However, you should cut out some unnecessary sentences to make it shorter:
When I was 8, [s.. my friends and I could create many heroes from Dragon Balls or monsters from YuGiOh. However, since the...

Undergraduate / Experience with underpriveliged children - opened my mind - Common App [4]

...spend two hours each week doing community service.

...groups of four ...

The commas should be arounf "more often than not" :
Now, every time I see a young child begging I hesitate to give them money, as I know that, more often than not, their parents take the money and they are left with no food.---> so I added a comma... but this makes the sentence so choppy! How about I remove the first comma and some unnecessary words:

Now every time I see a young child begging I hesitate to give money to begging children, as I know that more often than not their parents often take the money and they are left with no food.