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Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 1, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1824  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 1825 / page 23 of 46
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Pahan   
Dec 10, 2013
Letters / I'm from Vietnam,I graduated Banking University HCMC for 1 year ago;Dien-introduce myself [5]

My strengths are that I am self-motivated, hard working and truthful. My hardworking has helped me achieve my goals successfully and my truthfulness, I inherit from my family traditions.

Your role in the company should have been said in this section (as dumi mentions in her comment)

I'm working for consultant strategy company in HCMC.

Pahan   
Dec 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / [Toefl ibt-Opinion Essay] Should Attendance Be Required in College? [5]

The first reason is that most the people who attend a college are adults, so they should be responsible in their life. In college, we do not only learn about what in the textbook is, but college also teaches us how to show our thinking, how to work with others, how to get life's experiences, and how to be responsible.

It is good if you began this body paragraph with the reason. What is the real reason here? It is that college students are capable of handling their own learning process and therefore there is no need of having such classroom discipline in order to ensure they complete their studies properly. So, begin your para with this reason.
Pahan   
Dec 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality n development [5]

There are many debatable reasons for this, few of which can be discussed here.

This sentence does not serve any purpose for your essay. Start your body para with the first reason that you choose to justify your position.

Firstly, if we consider that a person's personality is mainly influenced by his traits with which he is born, then we are completely ignoring the importance of education and society in our life.

... this is fine to begin your body para.

There are many debatable reasons for this, few of which can be discussed here. Firstly, if we consider that a person's personality is mainly influenced by his traits with which he is born, then we are completely ignoring the importance of education and society in our life. As a child grows up, he comes in contact with lot of things which shapes his personality. His logical reasoning capacity develops and he enters the state of judgment about why a thing is wrong or right.

You should provide examples that with more specific nature. In this case you could have provided an example like;
It is a known fact that children who are brought up with strict discipline are more likely to behave well in their adult life compared to the children who grew up in more lenient environments in terms of discipline.
Pahan   
Dec 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Change is a defining moment that brings both positive and negative impacts; Life Changes [2]

Change is a defining moment that brings both positive and negative impacts

Change is a defining moment that can cause both positive and negative impacts on our lives.

The word "Change" is heavily repeated in this section. Better look for an alternative :D

He is faced with bullying from his new peers which more difficult to adjust and settle.

He is faced with bullying by his new peers which troubles him to adjust to the new environment and settle down in it.
Pahan   
Dec 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Getting opinions from many sources could augment people's performance. [4]

Additionally, this evaluation from students could improve schools' quality.

Additionally, students' evaluation on teachers' performance helps schools to improve the quality of education they provide.

Teachers could augment their quality.

.... this sentence has no meaning, rather it has no relevance to the previous reason.
Now you need to tell how schools are going to be benefited by students' evaluation on teachers. You can say, the school can assess the teachers' strengths and weaknesses from such evaluations and provide them with necessary training to enhance their productivity.
Pahan   
Dec 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: applying community service in schools serving a good purpose [7]

This essay would be over 5.5 ,maybe 5 , that's my personal view.

Well.... I may not be the right person to comment on the band you would get. However, I guess the following link would be helpful for you to make a self assessment;

ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf
Overall, I think you need to improve the essay structure to help you earn a good score.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / How do movies or television influence people's behavior? it is part of our lives [5]

It is unavoidably accepted that nowadays movie and television are much influential to us.

It is undoubtedly accepted that movies and television have a great impact on our lives nowadays.

Good introduction!

For example, if there are some imminent natural disasters coming, such as a gigantic storm, we people will know and prepare themselves for such situation.

... present this idea with a better alignment to your topic;
For example, people would come to know about imminent natural disasters well in advance thanks to television and would take all measures to prepare for such situations.

Overall, good writing :)
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Personal background; Tell us the most important things about you and your life [2]

myMy parents have always told me that "don't complain about your life because theirthere is somebody out there with a worse problem than what you are dealing with right now

I feel you should be more creative with the presentation of this response. You don't have to say these are my strengths, but you can let the reader to understand it. For example, instead of syaing;

One of my many strengths is that I always try to find the good in every situation.

you can say;
I try to find the good in every situation. .... then elaborate on that and the reader would definitely find that it is one of your strengths.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2; Old values have no relevance in the modern world [6]

That is not a bad idea if you could refute it. But in this case, you do not provide reasons for refuting and in fact acknowledge that it is good to live without such old values. So, the purpose is not met here. It is always easy when you take one side and keep giving reasons to justify the side you took. Also, you should provide examples for your reasons to convince the reader.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Agree/Disagree? - Secure job with low pay or job with high pay but easy to lose [4]

Obviously, lower payment means less working time, which in turn means that employees could have more time to spend with their families and therefore bond them with their families more tightly.

... well, it is not necessarily that lower payment relates to less working time. You need to be careful when you try to generalize ideas.

Take my uncle Zhang as an instance

Take my uncle Zhang for example.
It seems you follow an appropriate structure for this task. Pay more attention to sentence construction and vocabulary. Overall, you have written a good essay.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE argument response--Of the two leading real estate firms in our town Adams is superior [4]

To give advice about which real estate firm is better for selling a home, the writer of this letter provides several advantages of Adams Realty over Fitch Realty

Need to mention both in the opening.

: more and better real estate agents; higher prices of homes sold; taking less time to sell a home.

You should have taken these reasons to a new sentence without cramping them up in the opening sentence.

However, the writer's argument on these three aspects is full of assumptions and holes which weakened the argument. His/her advice is not convincing enough.

However, the writer's arguments on these three aspects are based on assumptions that do not have proper grounds. Therefore his or her advice is weak and not convincing.

First, through comparison of real estate agents employed by the two firms, the writer tries to prove that Adams has better and more sufficient manpower resources to sell homes .

Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: people can communicate faster and more conveniently using phone or e-mail [4]

These are my two essays of this topic. Hope to see your comment and suggest which one is better, thanks.

If you are keen on earning more comments for your essays, you should open two threads for these two essays. It is always good to have one essay per one thread :)

Let me comment on your first essay;

Nowadays, means of communication are diverse

... yes of course - Good hook.
I think you follow the most appropriate essay structure. Good ideas, vocabulary and grammar too. So, overall your essay is very good and you can surely get a very good score if you managed your time well with this first essay :)
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2; Old values have no relevance in the modern world [6]

Support your reasoning with a more specific example. It helps you earn marks for this task.

Well.... in the introduction you expressed your opinion as you do not agree that old values have no relevance to modern era. So, you should keep supporting this view throughout your essay. There is no point in showing the other side of the argument. Give another reason why old values are important for today's world. If you wanted to talk about both sides, then in the introduction you should have taken a moderate stance.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS letter- request for a training course to your manager [5]

However, I find it difficult to describe the detailed requirements and features of our products. If possible, I would like to take a language training class to improve my French level, especially the writing.

Tell the importance of having proficiency in French.
However, my knowledge is not sufficient enough to express more complex details of our products in French, especially in writing. Since proficiency in French is an essential skill for me to perform better in this new capacity, I shall be thankful if you could arrange a training program for me to develop my French language skills.

Therefore, I could continue my work while taking the language course

Therefore I can attend the classes without having any disturbance to my work.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Adolescence Stripped Away" [2]

In the beginning of Persepolis, she said that she wanted to portray that Iranwas is more than fundamentalism and terrorism.

.... I feel you write this in present tense because it is the story she tells;
In the beginning of Persepolis, she says that she wants to portray that Iran as more than fundamentalism and terrorism
The revolution actually started a few years earlier when people were doingengaged in religious-based strikes and demonstrations against the Shah.

She mostly wrote about her struggles after the Islamic Revolution.

Her writing is mostly about her struggles as a result of Islamic Revolution.
Pahan   
Dec 7, 2013
Essays / Essay: The Importance of Sleep [3]

The objective of EF is to help improve English writing skills and that's what we contributors do here. So, you should do your draft essay and post it here for us to make our comments as to how you can further improve it. You need to have these parts - Introduction, body paragraphs and Conclusion. In the intro, tell why sleep is important very briefly. Then in body paras, take one point (reason) each body para that highlights why sleep is important. Support those reasons with examples.

You can google for finding facts for this essay. Do your first draft and post it here for our comments.
Pahan   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL PRACTICE - I prefer to live in big city - more convenient and appropriate [3]

You should not narrow down the scope of the prompt.

Yes, I too notice that you try to narrow down the scope of this general topic to your own personal views. That is not the correct way. Introduce the topic in its general version, however, you can have your personal experiences as examples for the reasons you forward to justify your position in the argument.

Try this structure for your overall essay (I am quoting what dumi recommends to others).
Pahan   
Dec 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS practice-Government should subsidize traditional arts? by doing what? [5]

oh my God, thank you for overestimating my writing skills, however, I just got a 5.5 band from IELTS test half an moth ago...

That's five months ago... May be you have improved hell of a lot by now :D

Traditional arts, music, acting or art works for example, reveal people's love, fear, value and faith of their time,by spreading among people and generations and shared those values, lots of people are cultivated and our current civilization gradually shaped.

.... the first part is very well written, but the second part (in bold letters) is pretty confusing to me. I think this is what you try to say;

Traditional arts, music, acting or art works for example, reveal people's love, fear, value and faith of their time by conveying those emotions through their whatever form of art. This had helped people to pass down their values to younger generations.
Pahan   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should we judge people by their appearance? [9]

No doubt, judgment is one of our important needs in life, especially in routine communications.

.... strong sentence - good idea too :)

It might be argued that physical appearance is the very first thing making us to be impressed.

Had you written this in direct speech, it would sound much more effective and convincing;
Without any doubt, one's physical appearance is the first thing that makes others impressed about him or her.

No doubt, judgment is one of our important needs in life, especially in routine communications. It might be argued that physical appearance is the very first thing making us to be impressed. When looking at people's appearance, we just realize ones we focus on: their emotion statement, their aesthetic mind (in either art, music, fashion...), how much they love themselves, and in some cases, the way they make up their appearance will show up how much they respect their partners or people around them. We know that when looking at movie stars, famous singers, or politicians.

Give a more specific example to support this reason. Pick some celebrity and tell how he or she makes great first impressions about them.
Pahan   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods. [2]

Nowadays, our society have dramatically changed by globalization, which will contribute the country's economic development, therefore , we can see an increasing number of international fast foods throughout everywhere around the world.

.... the middle section is not at all relevant to your idea. This is your hook and do not crowd it with too many irrelevant ideas. Your hook should be powerful to grab the reader's attention to your writing, so it should be very catchy.

However , whether international fast foods are become more popular and it bring more harmful than good is a controversial issue.

... there are grammar issues here;
However, whether international food is the best option for people in terms of health is a controversial issue.

My view is that the international fast foods have reallybringbrought more negative effects to our society, especially isfor young generation.

have brought / did bring
you need to pay more attention to grammar.
Pahan   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl. Should countries engage with others or they should isolate from other countries. [7]

To begin with, countries which are partners develop faster compared to the isolated countries .

...Need improvement in presentation;
To begin with, the countries that receive both financial and non-financial aids from their friendly nations show a faster growth in terms of economic and social development in contrast to the ones that exist in isolation.

. This can be made by trading with partner countries , especially trading expensive and necessary products such as petroleum , diamonds, gold and other precious materials .Also increase in the economic stability can be made by investments into the country's business by foreign entrepreneurs

You actually do not have to drill into details. Now you can give an example to support that argument - Pick two countries - on that grew faster with others' support and another that is not yet deveolped and in isolation.
Pahan   
Dec 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / agree that telephones are playing a more effective role than television in people's life [4]

With the rapid technology development, several technological products such as telephones and televisions both play a indispensable role in modern people's life.

.... First part of this sentence does not add much meaning to this sentence. Better you remove it or tell something more relevant;
Among many technologically advanced devised we use today, the telephone and television play more prominent roles in our lives.

As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of that telephones indeed are more effective in one's life than televisions do. To illustrate better, I elaborate on my reasons as follows.

You need to introduce us the background of this issue. You should assume that the reader does not have any idea about your prompt and make use of the introduction paragraph to introduce your topic.

ForIn my case, it is undoubtedly a challenge for a couple living in different regions that are quite far away from each other to keep a relationship.

... well, you can enhance the effect of this idea;
In my case, I am so dependable on the telephone for surviving my relationship with my fiance' because we live far apart.
Pahan   
Dec 1, 2013
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Aerospace Engineering being a student of Electronics & Comm [9]

shabbir2424:

I have a strong interest in Aerospace Engineering since when I was a child.[/quote]

I guess you can leave this sentence out and start off with the second one. It would help you arrange the flow to say how your interest in Aerospace Engineering grew. I feel that is a better and creative approach. :)

one of the biggest aeronautical events

shabbir2424:

This was a fascinating experience which gave me the direction to decide my future in it.

I feel this sounds a bit too serious for a seven year old. You may have been fascinated to learn about Kalpana's voyage, but for you to decide on this field at the age of seven sounds a bit overdone. Try to rephrase this part and reduce the serious effect.
Pahan   
Dec 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / Museums - Why People Visit Museums? [5]

yes, the topic suggests so :D

What dumi says is that you should have kept the introduction in more general form as your topic suggests. So, your first sentence should be removed and used as an example if you really intend to have it in the essay. Start with a strong hook that gives a reader a punch ;)

Museums provide a unique interactive experience of getting up close to things we usually only see in books, newspapers or on the television.

There are considerable increases ofincrease in the number of people visiting museums.

There isonly one main reasons of visiting the museums by foreign people

.... one main reason (one makes it singular)
Pahan   
Dec 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Water consumption around the world [3]

The linechartgraph shows the amount of water expenditure on three branches: agriculture, industrial and domestic consumption over a period of 11 years over around the world. The table compares water consumption per capita based on population and irrigated areas between Brazil and Democractic Republic of Congo in 2000.

...."graph" is the appropriate word, not chart -------> graph shows / graphs show
Good introduction :)

It is clear that the water consumption was increasing over a period of shown, especially agriculture was by far the most rose compare to with other areas. Additionally, the amount of water used in each country affected on population and irrigated land.

.... this is your overview (I guess you follow the structure -1. Introduction 2. Overview 3. Details)
Here discuss the main trends of both graph and table!
Overall, this is very well written. :)
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 2 - Purpose of prison [3]

Prison, as a treatment of criminals, has been serving the purpose of punishing criminals for centuries. Some people believe that it is the only purpose of prison, while others argue that the purposes of prison should not be limited to punishment. Personally, I am in favour of the latter opinion.

Good introduction - it contains all necessary features :)

Originally, people developed prison system to punish criminals. As an old saying goes: What goes around comes around.

It's better you started off with the reason that you use to justify your opinion. In fact this whole paragraph does not provide substantial justification to say why you hold that opinion. You say that prison should do more than punishing criminals. Then use your body paragraph to tell the reader why you think so. Then give an example to support your reason. You need to align your writing more with the prompt
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Graduate / I always wanted to become professional ; Masters in ECE; SOP [4]

you talk a lot about your past experience and credentials. However, I wish if you expand on the above more in which you talk about your future goals. Do not just mention what you want to be. Express your passion in pursuing that show them you have done good research on that area and are very clear about your path to success. Also, try to talk about the features of this program that can help you achieve this goal.
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-Mobile phones & the Internet are very useful [5]

For me, it is not clear at all why you wrote this essay... I mean your purpose of writing this essay. Also since you have not included the essay prompt it is extremely difficult for me to align your writing with the prompt's requirements.

One of the most significant advantages of using mobile phones and the internet applications among old users is that it can bring considerable conveniences to senior citizens' everyday life.

.... why you specifically talk about old users?
Why don't you re-do this once again? You can write a great essay with this topic (although I'm not sure about it)
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS academic - Rules on loan and credit card [6]

Secondly, many banks, in order to attract customers, offer credit cards to the children of an individual.

.... These last few words make your sentence messy :(

Credit card usage is an addiction.

Well.... it is not an addiction. It is that you get tempted to spend money even if you don't have using the credit card.

Making children getting used to this habit might even make them financially handicap in the future. Thus, bank officials should limit their credit card supplies to children, which will in turn limit the debt of their parents.

Why are you taking children into the scene?
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Development of a country Vs pollution and environmental damage [4]

In the modern world, the pollution and damage to environment is increasing at an alarming rate.

.... very good hook :)

The environmental hazard and air pollution are mainly caused by factories which are responsible for producing waste polluted by chemicals, emission of gases, and an increasing population's activities. It is considered that environmental pollution is widely observed in developing or developed countries due to modern industrialized society.

This part is somewhat weak :( Tell the importance of your question. The first line (the one I highlighted) is not really necessary for this introduction.Your topic focuses on the relationship between environmental pollution and the level of development of a particular country.
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS- parents give children TV/PC game to make them quiet,Give your solutions and reason~ [4]

The parents are always play significant role in children grow up

... wrong grammar :(
parents play / parents are playing
The parents always play a significant role in the development of their children.

Not allparents knows what is their children really needs,

parents know (plural form) / parent knows (singular form)

The parents have to pay more attraction on their child carefully and patiently in order to give them a good beginning of future life.

... the right word that fits in there is "attention" not "attraction".
You need to pay attention to grammar and vocabulary.
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT TO ME - Stanford essay:what matters to me and why [2]

After all is said and done, a person's family would always be there for him or her. No matter how dysfunctional a family is, its members would always love each other. We can always call on our family in our time of need. For this reason among a multitude of reasons, my family is the most important thing in the whole wide world for me.

I feel you need to improve this paragraph a lot. There's a lot of redundancy in your ideas. Also, it is not presented creatively. Rather than saying those obvious things that everybody knows in general, tell them why you consider that your family comes before everything else to you. Have yourself in the middle and tell why they matter to you. You need to adopt the same approach for friends and education too.
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / My community, my teachers, and my school ; Describe the world you come from. [2]

This extremely diverse community, where people of different cast and creed from all over India reside, has lent me a perspective that can easily accommodate a variety of cultures and traditions.

This extremely diverse community, especially in terms of cast and creed of people, had taught me the importance of respecting other cultures and traditions.

Moreover, NLC is a showcase of the marvels of structural engineering and engineering physics; the thermal Power plants with their beautiful chimneys, cooling towers, huge bucket wheel excavators have always fascinated me.

Why did you have this sentence here? What's its relevance to your topic?. How is it connecting to your identity? You need to answer them.
Pahan   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Women less appreciated in society?' - an IELTS exam [6]

dumi
well thanks a lot for your advice and i consider them in my upcoming essays. but, in your opinion , which band does it deserve???

I can see you are desperate to find out the band that you can earn :D
Well, I am not good at guessing that, but I can provide you with a link which may help you to assess your band. Here it is;

ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf

Furthermore, women are regarded one step lower than their opposite gender and less appreciated in society as their focal point are to do household chores and children's upbringing.

Well, you better mention that this is how the woman had been perceived by society. Also, this may not be the right version for today's women :D
Pahan   
Nov 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl - Should teenagers have paid jobs while they are students? be independent [4]

To begin with, I believe teenager will gain self confidence if they do paid job with their study.

To begin with, the teenagers become more self confident if they engage in paid jobs while studying.

They will learn money saving skills and will spend it where is the need.

.... this speaks of their skill on handling money prudently, but not about their confidence. Since you opened this body paragraph with the idea of confidence, you better write something to further elaborate that idea.

Overall, you write well, but pay more attention to the essay structure!
Pahan   
Nov 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Maverick / Swimming / Vendetta / family / Global citizen - George Washington - supplement [3]

my sister (because of her personal determination and ambition), my grandmothers (because of their affection, strong temperament and self-assertion), and my mother (because of her ability to sacrifice herself for her family).

I like if you don't have these brackets :)
Are there any word count limitations for the first three questions ( leisure activity, favorite movie, role model ) ? If not I like you talk a bit more on favorite movie and role model :)

I consider myself a Global citizen, not only an American citizen.

... this is a strong saying :) ...better if you also mentioned about diverse cultures here, not just languages and ideas. Because when you associate people with diverse cultural backgrounds that would help you have great insights about the value of being a global citizen.

Good writing :)
Pahan   
Nov 27, 2013
Scholarship / Everyone is smart in his or her own particular way; Multiple Inteligence [2]

Struggling with her last year she graduated from Spellman but she did not k now what her next step would be.

.... guess it's a type :D

Everyone is smart in his or her own particular way but finding out what your areas of strengths are is not an easy task. My granny once told me that she felt that she was going nowhere in life. With low grades at school it was harder for her to be accepted in University. Struggling with her last year she graduated from Spellman but she did not now what her next step would be. She was the quintessential example of a perfect athlete but at Spellman that wasn't recognized. Now she owns her own gym and trains professional athletes for races. My strengths include nature smarts and body smarts, while an area I hope to improve is in becoming more successful in word smart. Through this process I hope to achieve my goal.

Okkkk.... why did you insert your granny's experience in this? What was the purpose? The answer to that question is not clear for us. What I mean is that there is no harm in talking about her, but you should link that to your next idea. You tell her story to us and then get away from it without setting up any connection to your next idea. Ask yourself why you wanted to have her there and tell that purpose to the reader.
Pahan   
Nov 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "Things will get better" - Support- BYU Admissions Essay [4]

I was living in a near empty house with only my father, but most painfully, it was the estrangement and loneliness I was feeling

... I feel this is incomplete otherwise, however, it's not going to help you with word count :D
I was living with my father in a near empty house feeling unbearably lonely.

Before this situation, I never needed to rely on anybodybefore .

... first "before" works on the second :D

I can still hear His resounding answer: "Things will get better."

....Good ending :)
Pahan   
Nov 25, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Moving around' - Uni of WA Cultural background, experience, and viewpoints [2]

I've gone to a number of different school districts and have also lived in numerous neighborhoods, even a few states.

I've attended a number of schools in different districts and also lived in numerous neighborhoods in several different states.

Though I still think moving around wasn't the best experience, I realized that I definitely gained something out of it.

...changed punctuation!
Though I still believe that moving wasn't the best experience for a child, I also realized it gave me a great exposure.

I was lucky enough to grow up with an array of people who had such different cultural background.

I was lucky enough to grow up with an array of people with diverse cultural backgrounds.

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