Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]


Hey now. I imagine that if a person didn't think their essay could be better, they wouldn't post it here looking for help in the first place.

In any event, you need stronger verbs and more concise writing:

Before: "A characteristic that projects from me is my reliability. As a leader of my school's American Red Cross Club, I have to constantly help in the organization of fundraisers. There was one specific project that I initiated. Since the holiday season was coming up, I wanted to raise funds by wrapping gifts at the Lord and Taylor department store."

After: "My reliability is reflected in my work as leader of my school's American Red Cross Club, for which I initiated a gift-wrapping fundraiser at the Lord and Taylor department store."

You could probably make it even stronger (the revised version still isn't that great) but my revision says everything your original did in half the word count. So, go through and rewrite your essay so that the entire thing is half its current length, without cutting any of the examples. Then repost.

Undergraduate / A handwritten letter describing my family and educational ambitions - admission [11]

Yes, if you can link the two things, family and educational ambitions, then your essay will flow much more smoothly. It is difficult to give you specific feedback, as I have no idea what your family is like or what your educational ambitions are. Why not write up a rough draft, even if its a really bad first draft, and post it here so we have something to work with when we try to help you?

Grammar, Usage / How to write a book on "The causes of the way you behave"? [5]

Well, if you want to write a book, then you have a lot of research ahead of you. Go to the library, and start reading everything you can find on behavioral psychology.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

Only your third paragraph has any relation to the prompt. The rest of your essay can be cut. The third paragraph itself is a bit vague. You really like your current college, but you feel it is time to move on. Why? You want to create an android? Again, why? Also, do you really want to create an android, or are you interested in creating A.I.? Do you believe that strong A.I. is possible? Try to show you are familiar with the debates and issues surrounding your academic goals.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


I am so using that the next time I run across an essay in which the author has clearly gone off-topic.

Book Reports / Need help writing an Abstract on Gay New York from the turn of late 19 century [5]


Or, of course, if the book itself uses that terminology. After all, if you are writing an abstract about a book that repeatedly refers to "queer life," then using the term in your description of it is merely accurate. I wouldn't worry too much about "name reclaiming," btw. That sort of foolishness should be ignored on general principle.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

Passive construction involve using forms of "to be," the weakest verb, to turn what would normally be the subject of the sentence into the object instead. This can be useful if you want to keep focus on a particular subject, or to shift emphasis about. But, if you overuse it, the essay loses power:



You also tend to use "to be" and other weak verbs generally in your essay, even when not using the passive voice:



Constructions using "It was" and "there were" most always indicate a sentence that could be better written with a bit of thought.

Essays / 'How you can achieve this or that..' - How to answer such essay prompts? [8]

Well, how should we know what points you can make about yourself answering the question of how you would be a good student? Ideally, though, you will tailor each question to the exact prompt and university you are applying for. Research each one, and find out what they are looking for in a candidate. Then, try and think of experiences you have had that show that you possess those characteristics, relying on detailed narrative anecdotes to do the job for you, instead of making unverifiable statements about yourself.

Writing Feedback / Classification and Divison Essay on different "sources of energy." [6]

Your professor is quite right -- I've written an article for this site encouraging students to use strong verbs, precisely because over-reliance on weak ones such as "to be" is such a common problem. The stronger your verbs the stronger your writing, so it would be good to cultivate a habit of employing them whenever possible.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

Well in that case, congratulations. Always nice to hear good news.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Simone, your point is well-taken. People should always try to be considerate when talking to others about something that is clearly important to them. That said, one of the keys to becoming a successful writer is to develop a hide like a rhinoceros, something else students should be aware of.

Undergraduate / 'Im a nole - SMARTER AND SURER' - FSU ESSAY [11]


Why don't you put this in your essay? It's really interesting, and would fit quite nicely with a bit of polishing.

Writing Feedback / Gay Marriage: Is It Right? [13]

The paper topic is an argumentative one. You need to take Simone's advice and present your arguments in favor of gay marriage, rather than expressing support for LGBT people in general. Also, you should discuss the opposing arguments (research them!) and explain why you think they are wrong. Hint: this issue is mostly a matter of semantics. That is, the two sides use the word 'marriage' in different ways. Those who favor gay marriage view marriage as essentially a civil, secular arrangement that happens to also be celebrated by many people as a religious ceremony. Opponents of gay marriage (at least those who favor civil unions as an alternative) view marriage as first and foremost a religious sacrament, and fear that legalized same-sex marriages are the first step towards their churches ultimately being forced to marry those who, according to their religious texts, are ineligible to receive it.

Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of urbanization. Better life for older in the countryside [8]

"the countryside offers a chance for a quiet life and less pollution."

"It is generally accepted that there is a large number of high quality school and university located in cities." Try to avoid these sorts of constructions. They are not wrong, exactly, but they greatly weaken your writing. Better would be "Most cities boast a large number of high quality schools and universities."

Writing Feedback / Dangerous sports and activities - for fun, money, or for nothing [11]

"Another popular motive is the thrill involved in doing something dangerous. " The motive is not dangerous, it is danger itself, though in this case I think you mean the thrill associated with it.

Undergraduate / Ut topic A- someone who has impacted your life (too much information?) [4]

Yeah, you need this essay to be about half the length it currently is. Bad enough (from the point of view of the admissions officers) that they are going to have to read yet another essay in which a student picked their mother/father to talk about in response to this particular prompt, hence showing little capacity for original thinking. At least you can make it mercifully briefer for them.

Book Reports / In reference to "The Curious incident of the dog in the night-time" [8]

Well, why don't you start by posting the arguments you already have. Then we can all shoot holes in them and explain why they're wrong. :-)

Undergraduate / 'Im a nole - SMARTER AND SURER' - FSU ESSAY [11]

Okay, I guess your prime narrative is meant to show intellectual strength, as you came up with a good strategy for winning the game, but still, the overall tone seems shallower than the prompt would seem to call for. Perhaps you could condense the narrative into a shorter example, cited specifically for Artes, and the use the room you save to talk about other examples, either of Artes or of Vires and Mores.

Research Papers / Queen elizabeth as a poet - thesis statement incompleted [5]

"Queen Elizabeth, like her father, was a poet, and it was of great value to her. Writing poetry helped herQueen Elizabeth to express what she was enduring while prisoner of Woodstock."

Okay, so add an explanation of what exactly it was she endured and how her poetry reflects this specifically, both in form and content.

Undergraduate / UC entrance essay #2:special personal quality [7]

In fact, I suggest writing a new essay, a narrative essay, in which you show the quality you only tell about in this one. You can add a sentence or two later to explicitly state the quality to meet the prompt, but for now, just focus on writing a story (based on your real experiences) in which your concern for your friends is obvious.

Writing Feedback / For Eng 121 class: Use of critical thinking using Mary Postgate and Yellow Wall [5]

Try saying everything you do now in about half the amount of words, and then reposting. Your writing is far too wordy and reliant on weak verbs at the moment.

Undergraduate / Stuck on UC prompt, there is nothing really exciting in my life.. [15]

And once you have your remaining paragraphs done, perhaps you could put everything together in a single post, to make reading your draft easier.

Writing Feedback / Classification and Divison Essay on different "sources of energy." [6]

Well, you've classified and divided, and that at great length. You might want to look, though at how the classifications can be blurred. Fossil fuels, for instance, are technically renewable -- it just takes millions of years for nature to get around to doing the renewing. Human technology might be able to speed that up a little, though: technologyreview.com/Biztech/19128/

Also, when you mention hydro power, you might want to mention that, while it is the most effective of the renewable power sources we've got, the major drawback is that it can only be used where there is running water. So, like wind and solar power, it is limited in scope. However, again, technology might make it possible to harness hydro in much greater quantities: newenergyfocus.com/do/ecco.py/view_item?listid=1&listcatid=1 23&listitemid=2609

Writing Feedback / Colleges for gain knowledge, new experience & prepare for future career - TOEFL [11]


It occurs to me that this too is a modern prejudice. Ornate sentences used to be the hallmark of good style. But then, that was in a more poetic age, one in which people were less rushed.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

That said, while it is better to study regularly, over a long period of time, than to cram, it is infinitely better to cram than to not study at all, if you have let things slide.

Writing Feedback / "A government's role" - academic writing test IELTS to be correct [8]


You should always say what you are going to talk about in your introduction. That's what makes it an introduction. But, you don't need to actually open with "in this essay I will talk about," precisely because it is understood.

Undergraduate / "Hola! Me llamo Allison"; Stanford Essay 2 - Roomate essay / tear it apart [3]

Yeah, this essay does what it is supposed to. Try to avoid sentence fragments, though:



Okay, the second one isn't really a fragment. It functions as a grammatically complete command, but doesn't really make sense. You, not your roommate, will be adding the frog print.

Undergraduate / At this summit of world leaders, tensions were high; avoid falling into cliches. [6]

I like the essay overall. You have a lot of small, specific details that make the experience vivid and interesting, even if the topic is one that is, as you realize, a bit overdone.

Why, though, mention that you didn't win the election? The essay is about how you overcame your fear of public speaking. The natural conclusion would be to return to your 10th grade simulation and talk about how your memory of the campaign gave you strength to give a good presentation.

Writing Feedback / Our lives abound with examples of the importance of remaining creative [4]


Start by dedicating your intro to mostly answering this question. Then, explain briefly why creativity is useful, and what about today's world might make it more/less useful than it has been in the past. This will give you a outline you can use to revise the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]


Well, that would be the problem with writing about your family -- so many other people do it that it's hard to make it interesting. Certainly, taking vaguely about love and care isn't going to do the job. Why don't you tell us a bit about your family, community, and school? What's unique about them? What experiences or anecdotes involving them stand out as having shaped your current character? Give us something to work with if you want us to help you find a more interesting approach.

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]


Your problem here is that it sounds as if urbanization is generating problems 100 years ago (problems that were not predicted). In other words, the "one hundred years ago" sounds as if it is modifying "generating" rather than "unpredicted." This is confusing, since it means urbanization, which is happening now, is causing problems in the past through some odd form of time travel. The perfect tense makes more sense, because it is used for things that finished at some unspecified time, and, at some unspecified time in the past, we began to able to predict the problems, because they had clearly started happening already. So, they could not have been predicted back then, but now we can predict them just fine.

Undergraduate / "My dream" essay (a medical profession) [7]

Your writing certainly isn't generic, and a hook, while nice, is more of an extra than a necessity. If you absolutely must have one, though, I'd try to think of something to do with the notion of deciding to become a material engineer when everyone was pushing you to become a doctor.

Writing Feedback / Essay (On) Love [7]

This is a difficult topic to deal with. Our ability to describe any emotion is very, very limited. We attach labels to them and expect others to know what we mean because they have felt the same way at some point themselves.

Love is especially tricky, because, as you realize. we use the word to describe several different emotions. When we talk about a mother's love for her child, we don't mean the same emotion that we refer to when we talk about a adolescent's love for his/her first crush. And neither of them are really like the love we have for our friends. So, you first have to decide whether you think we are justified in using the same word for each emotion. Is there some unifying characteristic or set of characteristics that warrants giving them the same label, or should each be given its own term? You seem to assume the former, but some justification would be nice.

And Simone is right. You need to come up with a working definition of the term fairly soon into your essay. Otherwise, a lot of what you say becomes untenable.


Why should unconditional love be viewed as an ideal? We treat people who have unconditional fear, for example, as mentally ill. An emotion that has overwhelmed someone such that they feel it even when the facts of reality clearly don't warrant it is presumably equally a problem in this sense, regardless of whether the emotion is pleasant or not. You are referencing a Christian notion about love, but its truth is hardly something you can take for granted given your topic. Certainly you can't assert this without first defining the term.


Not bad in and of itself, but glaringly contradicts your view of unconditional love as ideal.


And yet, parental love isn't always a given. Parents can be abusive in any number of ways that seem to show a lack of love. Also, parental love, even when present, is a selfish instinct, a genetic impulse to treasure that which carries the parents' genes. One good reason to treat it differently from the love we bear our friends, which is after all far more a matter of personal choice.

And so on. Start with a working definition of the term, one that either allows you to focus on one type of love in particular, or else to justify including multiple types.

Writing Feedback / Not eveything that is learned is contained in the books [20]


It was a reasonable course of action, but for this topic, as I said earlier, it is better to start by looking at what cannot be learned from books, rather than trying to catalog everything that can. Think about scientific hypotheses and theories -- all you need to find to disprove one is one example where it clearly doesn't work. So it is in this case also. If you can think of even one thing that cannot be learned from a book, then the hypothesis that everything can be learned from books has been negated.

Writing Feedback / "Saying Goodbye" [4]


And dialogue. Almost every narrative piece of writing students have to read includes dialogue, yet so few essays include dialogue even when the author uses narrative anecdotes to make his/her point.

Undergraduate / University studies and my career [5]


You know, next time we get a student who requests help writing an admissions essay without supplying any personal information or attempt at a draft, I think I'm just going to write an essay for the student, making up the personal details as I go. That could be fun . . .

Writing Feedback / Summary-Response Essay - Celebrating Nerdiness by Tom rogers [5]

Your summary is very general. I realize that's unavoidable to a certain extent, but I'd like to see some specific examples to back up what you say. You might even consider quoting from the text . . .

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

"She demands her students to try.

The revised version is much stronger than your original. While you are to be commended for experimenting with analogies, the one you had in your first one didn't really work.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


True, it would be more satisfying if one could see the trembling lip and moist eye of the aspiring writers whose self-confidence one has just crushed, but alas technology does have its limitations, and so one must remember to use one's imagination . . . :-)

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]


Why certainly, I have heard of Spain and France. In fact, I visited the nations quite recently. Okay, not really. But, there is a "the" in front of nations, because I am referring to specific nations. And that's one of the ways you can tell if you should use "the" -- it tends to introduce specifics. It can get more complicated than that, but its a good place to start. Likewise, nation in the singular goes with "a" for general purposes, and "the" for specific ones. So, "A nation should guard its borders. The nation of America barely does this."