Scholarship / I would like to be a connection between Korean and western world market [7]

It depends, Are you applying via embassy or university track? If you are applying via university track, then you need to discuss the reasons behind your choice of the university as a part of your motivation to study in Korea. The course you chose to enroll in at the university should fully explain the academic factors you considered that led to your choice of university. If you chose to apply by embassy track, then the discussion about the university is not yet required as you have yet to pass the screening part of the application. The university track is more stringent in a sense because you are applying directly for admission to the university to a certain extent. Pick one of the two tracks and then write the motivational / personal statement accordingly.

When you write your study plan, that is when you can go into a greater discussion regarding your university choice. For the personal statement, you can give it a simple mention with a light discussion of your choice. The study plan asks for your goal of study, title or subject of research, and detailed study plan. This is where the in-depth discussion of the university's ability to support your research and studies, along with other academic goals of yours, comes into play. If and when you finally write that essay, I will be sure to point you in the right direction so that your university discussion will be relevant to the requirements of the prompt.

Undergraduate / Help me to correcting my introduction essay :) [6]

Sarah, what is the actual purpose for writing this introduction? From the looks of it, this is just supposed to be a simple introduction in simple English writing. It would be better if you post the actual instructions you are given for your writing assignments so that a proper analysis can be done of your work. At this point. Babatunde is over complicating the work for you. It appears that this is supposed to be a one paragraph essay. The instructor is just trying to get a feel of your English writing abilities and level at this point. Which is why only short and specific information was asked of you.

Your writing ability shows that you have a beginner level grasp of the written English language. You basically offering only straightforward information about who you are, how you want to be addressed (called by people), where you were born and when. Discussing your family should have included your parents aside from your siblings. State who your father is and where he works, the same goes for your mother. You need to indicate your sibling hierarchy aside from the age differences of your siblings. That is because you are discussing your family so your position in the family ranking should be stated as well. Indicate what college you go to and why you decided to live in a boarding house. Why couldn't you study closer to home instead? That way you can truly introduce yourself, in a simple manner to the instructor.

I believe that your instructor will read your presentation and realize that you have the potential to learn how to write properly in English at an appropriate pace. You have shown the ability to express yourself in simple English, in a manner that native English speakers can mostly understand. This piece of writing shows that you have the potential to become a native writer / speaker of the English language if taught and guided properly during your formal lessons and practice sessions.

Scholarship / A description of professional background & current work, professional accomplishment, Why this work? [4]

Mar, you need to write about recent professional accomplishments. What you have written enumerates your academic accomplishments, which is not what the statement is asking for. Professional accomplishments do not include you being a current PhD student, nor does it entail a presentation of your college background. There is nothing in this essay that portrays a professional accomplishment on your part except you claiming to be a teacher. So work from there.

As a teacher, what sort of accomplishments have you completed? Look to any accolades, recognition, awards, or any sort of profession related highlights in your career. If you were awarded Teacher of the Year then that is a professional accomplishment. If you were promoted at any point during this year then that is also an accomplishment. You must explain how you ended up completing these accomplishments, or any variation thereof in order to properly respond to the prompt.

You have a proper response to your professional background, but not when it comes to current work and professional accomplishments. So you need to work on developing responses to those 2 aspects using my guide questions above. Only then will you have a relevant draft to work with.

Graduate / One page Statement of Purpose for Mechanical Engineering Masters [3]

Gurjeet, omit the high school reference. That is not relevant to a masters degree application because the focus of the reviewer is on what you have professionally accomplished in relation to your college degree. Discuss your college accomplishments first, your professional successes second. Those are pertinent information that the reviewer will be interested in knowing about as it indicates how well prepared you are to undertake and complete the requirements of an MS course.

The other parts of your essay are sound and relevant. However, I am not sure if the professor you wish to work with at the university accepts student aides or student research assistants. Most professors don't do so therefore it would be better for your application if you first find out if you can apply as his assistant. Otherwise, it is senseless to mention such a reference in the SOP. Consider instead discussing how you will fully utilize the laboratory, library, and other learning centers and avenues that the university offers in relation to your chosen MS course and future professional goals.

You may want to indicate a reference to the 5 year relevance of your studies to your profession. How do you see yourself contributing to this field over that period of time? Why do you believe that your contribution will be relevant to the industry? Any plans to study a PhD after 5 years? Those would be significant discussion points. Don't over discuss the PhD part though. That should only be your academic goal after 5 years.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: the same organisation or different organisations? [2]

Mai, the prompt requires a response that covers 3 body paragraphs after the prompt paraphrase. The 3 body discussion is required because the instruction is asking you to present the public supporting and opposing point of view along with your personal point of view. You are not being asked to discuss both points of view from your personal perspective alone. That is called a prompt deviation and could result in the failure of your essay task.

Learn to look for the discussion clues in the original prompt so that you will know how to properly format your response paragraphs. In this case, the clue that you need 3 discussion presentation paragraphs lies in the following instruction:

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Both means 2 so that means you need to present 2 public views. "Own opinion" means 1 or YOUR understanding of the discussion topic. These are the clues that tell you the number of body paragraphs you need to present. Overall, there should be a total of 5 paragraphs presented, not 4.

Try to be consistent in your paragraph presentations. Never present less than 3 sentences in order to meet the C&C paragraph requirement. A complete paragraph is always composed of 3-5 sentences that include the topic sentence, reasoning, example, and additional discussion sentence. When you do not meet the requirement, your scoring consideration becomes lower than it would have been if you wrote more explanatory sentences of up to 5 sentences.

This is a good first attempt. I can see your potential to reach a better scoring consideration once you become more familiar with the discussion types and presentations. Don't hesitate to read the sample essays, as well as the advice given to the OP in the thread, at this forum. We are loaded with learning samples and discussions that can help you in improving your writing skills. You will learn more and faster by seeing the mistakes and corrections made by the others who took the test before you.

Graduate / What else should we know about your financial condition in order to consider you for the scholarship [2]

Nathaniel, this is a run of the mill or typical financial story sent to scholarship committees. There is nothing that makes this essay stand out in the eyes of the reviewer. All you are saying is basically that you are poor and can't afford to go to college so you want the scholarship to do so. There is a lack of personal conviction in wanting to go to college in this essay. If you really want to go to college, then you have to prove to the scholarship committee that you have been set on doing that since early on. That means, highlighting how you have been financially preparing to attend college on your own since you know your father and mother cannot be of help. You need to show a go-getter attitude by say, indicating that you have been financially responsible for yourself for a number of years and you have set aside some money to support your college needs in terms of non-tuition related expenses but you need help on the tuition side. Try to represent yourself as someone whose financial condition has pushed you to become fiscally responsible for your studies, more so because you want to set a good example for your younger siblings. Try to write a new essay that better sets you up as a model potential scholar.

Undergraduate / "I did my best" - Describe a time that you were late for and event: [2]

@khuong97dx2 between the tense usage problem, lack of connecting word usage, and vocabulary mistakes which all led up to an imperfectly written essay, I would have to say that this was an insightful presentation just the same. While I believe that you could have applied yourself more towards researching the method of sentence structure and development, I can also understand that you are an ESL writer so I should not expect you to be conscious of the mistakes that you made. However, had you written this essay in a document program, the mistakes in spelling, vocabulary usage, and tense usage would have been immediately caught by the system which would have then advised you to correct the errors in order to create a better written presentation.

Please continue to practice your English writing skills with a focus on learning how to use the proper tense presentation, learn more English vocabulary and use the words in the proper manner (performance not performant), be more careful of your writing patterns and please, proof read your essay before you submit it for review.

As for the content, you should have given an equal focus to what happened when you got to the venue. Specifically how you convinced the chief of the show to allow you to perform even though you missed the press rehearsal (Are you sure you did not mean Dress Rehearsal? That is the correct term for the final rehearsal before the live show). That would be the highlight of the "late for an event" part of the narrative.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - 'The Internet' and smartphones essay [4]

Elvin, your prompt deviation and succeeding discussion immediately garnered this essay a failing score of 2 because your response is completely unrelated to the task. The task requires a discussion regarding the effect of the internet on the lives of people over several decades. You are being asked to give your opinion based on the positive or negative effects of the internet, not the computer or the smartphone, just the internet, on the lives of people. Your essay discusses the effects of the smartphone on the lives of people. Therefore, it is clear you did not understand the instructions for the discussion nor what the discussion topic is about. As such, you have failed the test due to problematic English comprehension skills.

Only paragraph 3 relates to the question being asked and as such, you can only be scored for that paragraph. Which means that you also have points deducted for not writing the appropriate minimum word count for the essay. Therefore, your essay cannot get a passing test. It failed tremendously in the TA section and then did not do a good job either in the remaining presentation requirements, along with the under word count writing. It is simply impossible for this essay to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / My English reading (English as a second language) [2]

@liqiaoer This would have been a more profound essay on your part if you could have just remembered to use the right tense usage in the presentation. This essay must always use the past tense of the presentation discussion because these all occurred long ago, in the distant past. Hence the need to indicate the time frame as not being in the present. You seem to have improved your English reading capacity as of this time, however your writing talents leave a lot to be desired.

That said, it is important that I let you know that your message comes across clearly even though your presentation has severe grammatical issues. It would be in your best interest to have this paper professionally proofread, perhaps through our SERVICES so that the errors and somewhat error filled parts of the presentation can be better presented, developed, and discussed in your paper.

Overall, this is a good attempt at writing an essay based on the given topic. You may want to consider better developing your presentations explaining the quotes from the book. Your personal insights are either shallow or lacking in analysis most of the time. In order to get a better grade, you need to first develop a better discussion presentation for the topic provided. You did a pretty good job of representing your English writing skills though. It is clear in terms of presentation but lacking in grammatical and sentence structure efficiency. Try to concentrate on those weak points in order to get a better review next time. I look forward to reading your next practice essay.

Scholarship / I would like to be a connection between Korean and western world market [7]

Damiano, there is a lack of reference with regards to your motivation to apply for the KGSP in relation to your chosen course of study. It would be better if you could represent a specific masters or PhD course that you hope to enroll in as a student in Korea. An indication of a specific university would be nice to add if you are applying through the university track. Even if you are applying through the embassy track, you can still mention a specific course and university to study in. That way you can properly connect your motivation to apply for the program with your reason for studying in Korea.

Your reason to study in Korea is not really the kind of reason you should be presenting in this personal statement. It should be geared more towards informing the reviewer about why you believe that your educational goals can only be met by a Korean education. This includes a reference to your academic goals in relation to studying at a chosen university.

This is okay for a first try at writing this essay. You can still improve the essay a lot based upon the missing requirements. You should not have a problem revising your essay at this point as nothing is final in your presentation yet. Don't be afraid to write a lot at this point. Put all the information in there and just edit it down to a single spaced page as you progress with your versions till you hit the final presentation.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS Task 2) Discuss sport professionals' salaries [3]

Nguyen, In this type of essay, you should be looking to discuss both points of view from a public perspective rather than a personal observation. While you are asked to discuss a personal opinion later on by the prompt, what is clear is that the two points of view must be coming from a public understanding of the issue. A combination of an understanding of the two points of view are what will then create your personal opinion on the matter.

While your essay response is somewhat okay, the fact that the prompt restatement is incomplete and your discussion is lacking a proper public points of view discussion for the two opinions before your own drag down your presentation. Your TA score is based on your proper understanding of the original prompt and your ability to properly discuss this essay. So the more acceptable discussion presentation is:

There is a discussion as to whether or not professional athletes are paid too much money. While reasons why they are paid so highly do exist, there are still some considerations that lead other to opine that the salaries the athletes are paid should be considered sufficient for their work. A presentation of these two public discussion points should help me create an opinion regarding the topic.

Athletes seem to be paid highly because...

However, there are times when the salary seems to be just appropriate enough...

Considering the two sides of the discussion, I believe that...

Hence, a sector of the public believe that... However, another opinion is that... These two factors have led me to opine that...

You have not written enough words to gain a higher scoring consideration. By increasing the discussion to a 5 paragraph prompt of about 275-300 words should help you better display your English skills and bring you up for higher scoring points. Never write just a little over the required number of words, aim for the middle so that you can fully use the scoring considerations offered by the increased word count.

Your current discussion lacks in discussion development so your GRA and C&C scores will be affected. You do not really try to explain what it is you are trying to say. You are merely saying things, without explaining its points. This removes from the possible clarity that your essay could have presented in terms of meaning and discussion. Try to do only one topic at a time or learn to use connecting words, phrase, or sentences in order to better orient the reader about what the discussion paragraph is all about.

Your word use can be improved. As you practice writing in English, you should find that your vocabulary will continue to develop and your sentence presentations will become far more complex than when you were first starting to write in the language. No rush with that. It just happens over time, without your noticing it. Just keep practicing in order to further develop your English writing skills.

Scholarship / Leaders are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal [3]

Olesea, you are over informing the reviewer in a negative manner. While you may think that offering a description of your leadership roles is sufficient to imply both a leadership and influencing skill, the truth is, you are not doing that. All that you have done is explain your role in each project that you undertook, without any solid reference to leadership nor influencing skills.

Focus your essay in your participation in the Eastern Partnership Integrated Border Management instead. Skip the fluff in the first and second paragraph and immediately highlight the next paragraph where you said that you were bumped up to represent the border police instead. Specifically discuss the work pressure, time constraints, and stress that you faced as a woman leading a male group. Detail how you had to influence the team into believing that you had what it took the negotiate this deal and how you used influencing skills to pressure your EU border partners to agree to the project extension.

There is a simple reason that I want you to focus on developing only that part in the essay. Since you were awarded the a recognition for your participation in this event, your superiors acknowledged you as an up and coming leader and influencer in the profession. Hence its relevance to the prompt requirements and its usefulness as a targeted response to the prompt. All the other experiences that you present in the essay pale in comparison to that achievement so you must make sure to highlight that and develop it as the most believable and admirable example of your leadership and influencing essay.

Scholarship / Leadership as an avenue to inspire and mentor others [3]

Doreen, you are not writing a job application cover letter. You are writing a leadership and influencing essay. Sadly, those are the two factors that are severely missing in this presentation. Your leadership is more of a duties and responsibilities listing rather than you showing off actual leadership skills and styles based on uncontrollable factors that came to exist during these projects. There is no sense of how you handle stressful situations and problematic team members, which is what professional leadership is all about.

In reference to your influencing skills, there wasn't any. Saying that your trainees succeeded because of your mentoring does not mean you influenced them towards success. That just means you are a good teacher. Influencing is based on leadership during a time of crisis. How you get the team to function during times when they may be questioning your leadership or handling of the situation is when your true influencing abilities, how you make these people believe in your leadership so much so that they follow your directions, is what influencing is all about.

Consider presenting your most trying work situation when you led the team. Outline the presentation first. List your project objectives, then your leadership requirements, then the leadership obstacles, then the solutions you thought of, then the presentation to the team, then how you influenced the team to believe in your leadership and project direction. That is how you develop this type of essay.

Scholarship / KGSP Program for Undergraduate/Study plans to improve foreign languages (Korean, English, etc) [3]

Luisa, this essay is unnecessarily long. You are approaching this as a language autobiography when you should be presenting direct responses to the prompt question. Study plans for before coming to Korea?

I grew up studying the English language since it shares a border with Mexico. I took English lessons because it is practically the second language of my country. Although I did not finish my English language studies in a formal setting, I continued learning the spoken and written language by...

I was enthralled by the Korean language when I first saw a K-Drama and heard a K-Pop song. I took to Google to learn...

Upon my arrival in Korea, I will continue my English and Korean language learning by...

The response is only 3 paragraphs long. . Say everything in 300-500 words and your essay will be set for revising and editing. I already gave you the beginning of your revised paragraphs. Just follow through on the information. By the way, about the TOPIK test, just say you look forward to proving your Hangul proficiency once the time for you to take the TOPIK test comes. Don't make any assumptions about your possible score. Just emphasize a desire to perfect your Hangul in order to do the best job that you can during your formal classes.

It would be better to not discuss the TOPIK test and your analysis of your English language abilities. There is no need to mention that you have not tested for English skills under TOEFL or IELTS. That is irrelevant to the discussion. Mentioning that weakens your application information. You need to be strong in your presentation so when you are uncertain about certain information or feel that you should volunteer information that is not really required, stop yourself. The prompt is clear with its questions. All you have to do is provide a response. Question, answer. That's all. No additional information required.

Revise your content and pay attention to your sentence structure. Your writing at this moment is really very bad. You practically need professional editing in order to clean up your presentation and grammatical errors. That can wait though. Your essay is still in draft mode at the moment. Once you get to the final version, then you can clean up the presentation and vocabulary problems.

Scholarship / Networking is crucial to developing the economy further - Chevening [4]

Doreen, the strongest networking sample is the best networking sample in this essay. Forget the academic network that you created. That is not as relevant nor impressive as your involvement in the Clinton Global Foundation. Focus the essay on that network discussion instead. Discuss how you came to be involved with the foundation, why you had to develop a network of other related organizations and its leaders in relation to your tasks at the CGF and, this is the most important part, why the foundation you belong to and the network it has helped you create a comprehensive network that spreads across international concerns such as FGM, clean water, country rehabilitation after calamities, and the like. Offer solid examples of how the network has helped you with your CGF tasks. One or two instances will work. Actually, one highly impressive example, that shows how the network truly worked to help the foundation accomplish its objectives functioned.

I am absolutely certain that the CGF reference will be impressive and memorable to the scholarship reviewer. Build on it. Highlight it. Make sure you strengthen your application essay based upon that relationship.

Research Papers / Controlling Safety Risk - ESSAY [2]

Jared, save for a part in the essay where you indicated "I believe..." the overall essay is an excellent piece of research work. Since you are writing a research paper, you should have a neutral point of view in all aspects of the presentation. Having a personal point of view creates a sense of bias in your research and places the information you provide in relation to your personal opinion into question. This becomes a bigger consideration problem as the reader goes through the essay wondering how much of the essay is influenced by your personal point of view.

Just change that part of the essay to come from a neutral point of view in order to create a stronger discussion point / consideration for the information presented in the essay. That way, your presentation comes across smoothly and clearly as a neutral paper that only provides information for the reader to consider and form their own opinion by. The rest of the essay is strong and informative. No need for you to worry about those paragraphs.

Graduate / Applying Umass, UCI, TAMU, Gatech - MS in computer science with Machine Learning as Specialization [3]

Chinesh, first up, this essay is running tremendously long and will most likely lose the interest of the reviewer before he even finishes reading the second paragraph. An appropriate length for a statement of purpose is anywhere from 500-750 words. Any more than that and you are writing a novel. No reviewer will have an interest in getting to the end of your work when he has another 500 essays he has to finish reading aside from yours.

What you wrote is an academic autobiography that does not serve a proper purpose in terms of a statement of purpose. A masters statement of purpose needs to very quickly indicate the following information:

1. An explanation of the reason why you have an interest in this particular masters course. The basis of this lies in your professional goals. By professional goals, I mean what skills and theoretical know-how you hope to improve upon within yourself. These can be based on any professional needs that you may have.

2. The academic and professional purpose for your studies. As far as academics are concerned, what is it in your background (college level only) that you feel laid out the foundation for your MS studies? In relation to that, what professional problems have you encountered that further fueled your need to increase your academic knowledge? For example, did you lose out on a promotion or lose the opportunity to lead on a project because of a missing skill or lack of know-how? Include a discussion of any and all relevant training your received in the course of your studies and professional career.

4. An overview of your potential study plan. You have touched on it a bit in this essay but you have to be more specific about this in relation to your choice of university. How does the university fit into your research and study goals? What do you hope to achieve? What improvements to the current tech do you nope to make? Don't mention any specific professors you wish to train under unless you know specifically that the professor has teaching or research assistant positions open during the academic year. It won't help your application.

5. Most of your learning is informal and relies on online learning courses, you will need to justify why these online non certificate short courses should be considered comparable to that of someone who has an actual academic background in AI. Since these courses had "paid" certificates that anybody who accesses the courses can pay for, specifically for Coursera, most universities tend to question the validity of the certificates earned. These are free courses and do not carry the same validity and consideration as actual academic courses so you will need to defend your line of education within your essay within one paragraph. Personally, I would focus on the actual college learning that you received and merely mention the free online courses in passing rather than making it the focal point as you have it now.

You have an impressive amount of recognition for projects you were involved in. Try to limit it to the most recent and most relevant accolade though. You really need to bring down this word count if you are to have a chance of having a reviewer finish reading your statement essay.

Scholarship / The size of your network is a pointer to your net worth. Networking Essay [2]

Babatunde, you have made very, very little, almost negligible changes to this essay from the original that you used for the leadership essay. Tis is definitely NOT a networking essay. It is once again, a listing of duties and responsibilities on your part. Nothing more. Your networking references are self centered, always used in the pursuit of a job instead of the improvement of a profession related task of community needs. This essay one of the weakest and unimpressive presentations that I have read for this cycle of applications.

I already told you that your best bet for the networking essay is to focus your discussion on one sole activity alone your participation in the CDS in your capacity as the leader of the fund raising drive. A fund raising drive is always one of the best ways to prove an actual professional or community based network. In this instance, it will also help to support your leadership essay as you will prove to be a networking leader in the process. It will strengthen your leadership essay to focus on a national level in relation to your community or military based network. Either of which will show that you have a network that will be of interest to Chevening and its scholarship community.

Your essay lacks a definitive explanation of why you believe Chevening should pay attention to the importance of your network. You need to sell them on the idea that your network has a tremendous value that the former and current scholars can benefit from. Don't constantly focus on YOU in the networking essay. You need to show an exchange of usefulness and active networking participation that will sell your network as one of your strengths as an applicant.

By the way, be cautious of mentioning names in your networking essay. If you don't have permission to use their names and they will not be supporting your application with a recommendation letter, it is best not to mention them. You can mention offices, departments and position titles, but never names unless they have given you express permission to do so.

Research Papers / Child Abuse and the Need for Social Change - Request [2]

Marcus, the essay is not going to be well received by your teacher in my opinion. That is because the whole paper seems to be written as a mere series of in-text citations from other sources. There is no indication of a personal understanding or research material representation coming the writer that would indicate that you bothered to try to understand and relate the information you researched with other materials, related discussions, or even personal knowledge or understanding. While these information make your paper factually correct, the reason why you chose to present this information is not clear to the reader.

The reason why the information you presented is not clear is based on the lack of a discussion foundation for your essay. From the very start, you already relied heavily on direct quotes and paraphrasing rather than first developing the basis for the discussion that should have covered:

1. The history of child abuse
2. The reason why you believe this is a timely topic to be discussing
3. What the purpose of your paper is

Only after establishing the research objectives should the reader be subject to all of the quotes and information you present in the essay. Rather than coming across as helpful and informative, the paper is coming across more like a compilation of information without the required explanations. These explanations could be presented in the form of transition paragraphs / sentences, and topic introductions prior to the research information presentation. At the moment, all that I see if information being presented without any solid foundation for the discussion not

Your observations regarding your writing weaknesses are on the mark. I urge you to continue writing, this time focusing on how you present the information since we already know that you can factually present relevant information in your presentation. Work on the clarity of the explanations based not only the facts, but is applicability to the purpose if the discussion.

Do not close the research paper with a citation. Instead, close with a concluding paragraph that wraps up the discussion either through a summarized information presentation or, a reference to the potential of the research to further improve the handling of child abuse cases. It all depends upon what the objective and goals of your research actually are.

Essays / My community landscape essay [7]

On the contrary, you are at least expected to read about the background of the topic you have been provided. Read about social landscapes and its various forms and understand what each aspect is all about. Once you understand what the concept is for every type, you will be able to create a writing concept for yourself that will best suit your personal understanding of the topic in relation to examples that you can use based on your personal experience, social observations, or researched information.

Within the 3 pages, you have to reflect the following:
1. A definition of the social landscape culture you will be discussing
2. Reasons why you feel this discussion is important
3. Examples that will help the reader further understand the concept you presented
4. Ideas as to how this social landscape situation can be addressed
5. Your personal experience in relation to the social landscape and how you resolved it for yourself
6. A concluding statement that reiterates the need for changes in this particular social landscape and what you hope the outcome will be in the end.

Even if you are not being given permission to use in-text citations or paraphrased data for the paper, the fact that it is MLA based means you are expected to read the material in relation to the topic. The paper formatting that you will be using is the MLA style of presentation. You can find samples of that on the web. The information to be contained in the paper though is what you need to learn about on your own.

We cannot start this paper for you. We can only make suggestions as to how to approach the essay. You are on your own with regards to that. Unfortunately, my hands are tied when it comes to helping you write this paper. Please refer to the notification I sent you for further details regarding this discussion.

Scholarship / Leadership is crucial to success, and it's not about position. Chevening "leadership" essay [3]

Babatunde, one way of improving your essay presentation is by presenting the quote from John Quincy Adams as a stand alone sentence at the start of the essay. That helps to introduce the type of leadership and influencing style that you will be discussing in the essay. The reason that I zeroed in on the quote to open your essay with is simple, it directly relates to and highlights your role as a member of the HOPE Foundation.

You mentioned specifically in the related paragraph that you have served as project lead for the 2016 Summer Leadership Camp. Now, while I would prefer a more recent leadership and influencing role for you to present in this essay, this will have to do as it appears you do not have any leadership capacity participation within the 2017-2018 time frame in a professional capacity, which would have been more impressive, recent, and relevant to the discussion.

Discuss the leadership role that you undertook by mentioning the specific location of the camp, what kind of work you had to do with the members of the organization and the participants, zeroing in on any job / duty conflicts that you had to resolve in the performance of your leadership duties. The influencing style should tie in with your people management skills in that instance as well. Influencing the youth participants could be a secondary presentation of your leadership and influencing style if necessary. Try to establish the reason why your leadership of this particular project translates into your becoming a future leader and influencer in your country. The potential for the explanation is there, you just need to put it into words.

Right now, your essay is just a listing of your participations. There are no clear references to leadership and influencing situations and you badly need to do that in this essay. Don't use the CDS experience because from the looks of that reference, it is more of a leadership in relation to networking reference so you can use that topic for your networking essay instead.

Scholarship / "Cutting My Own Hair" - National Merit Essay: Meaningful Experience [2]

You may want to lose the information in the parenthesis such as (No offense Dad) and (I wasn't). It cuts the smooth flow of the discussion presentation. You should instead, just mention those things as part of the actual essay presentation. That way the "asides" actually become a helpful part of the essay rather than a distraction.

I also feel like this essay is a bit too long and repetitive about the YT tutorials. Try not to repeat the same information twice in the same essay so you can avoid reader fatigue and boredom. Learn to merge the information into one paragraph that indicates both the beginner and advanced videos that you watched. The most interesting parts of the essay are the parts where you mention finally cutting your family member's hair and possibly supporting your other college fees by cutting the hair of your classmates or dorm mates. You should call more attention to that sooner in the essay. It should be kicked up a notch or two.

The fact that you want to cut your classmates hair is, I think, the perfect hook with which to kick off this essay. Explain the importance first and then the learning experience second. By reversing the essay you will not only be able to cut down on its length and lessen the repetitive nature of the current presentation, but you will also be able to immediately inform the reviewer about why this experience is important to you immediately. Which will most likely have him reading your essay until the very end as opposed to the current one dimensional presentation of "I have never stepped into a barbershop all my life because my dad cut my hair ever since I was a baby." It isn't as interesting as "When I get to college, I look forward to cutting my dorm mates hair for a fee to help defray college costs..." From this simple revised presentation that I made, you can already see which version creates more impact from the very beginning and that, is exactly what this essay needs.

Essays / My community landscape essay [7]

Tierra, the essay is specific about its requirements. While there is a general definition of a social landscape, that often includes the public attitude, majority social belief system (morals, values, behaviors), and community related activities that help to tie together the members of a community, your essay prompt focuses specifically on Memphis and its existing social landscape.

For the first page and a half of the research paper you will need to pick one of the 3 possible social landscapes for presentation. It might be easier for you to present a description of the emotional psychological or social landscape of Memphis since that is easier to observe and define. A simple trip to any public place where you can observe how people socialize will help you to describe the either the emotional psychological or social landscape of Memphis.

Regardless of which of the two topics you choose, an observation of how people interact in a social setting will fit the bill. Personally, I believe that the emotional psychological and social landscapes tie together or are related in research information so you can combine both for a better graded and more thoroughly researched paper.

The last page and half should address the social landscape situation that you want to better familiarize your reader with. Since Memphis is a highly diverse area, you may want to consider a social problem that connects with either multiculturalism or the need for diversity training in the area. That would be a true presentation of a social problem that connects socially with the people from Memphis and the social landscape of the area.

Remember, this is not a personal essay, this is a social science research paper as evidenced by the MLA formatting requirement for the presentation. You will need to do research and use facts, figures, interviews, and other first hand accounts of information in relation to the specific social landscape and problem that needs to be addressed in Memphis. .

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, obesity is becoming a global disease, which cause many serious complications [2]

Thong, how much time did you spend researching your response to the given prompt? Your writing comes across as not memorized but rather, a cut and paste of researchable information found online. It appears that you only posted discussion points but no real discussions as to the causes and preventive measures that can be taken to prevent obesity. This has resulted in a writing that is under developed, unclear, and lacking in proper presentations requirements and discussion points. You are not using transition sentences nor phrases.

You also know that you will not be able to do actual research at the testing center since this is a pen and paper test and any terminals in the center will be LAN only right? You did not write this essay from a personal knowledge or point of view, which makes me wonder how familiar you truly are with the given topic. It is important that you use only public knowledge or personal information for these types of direct question essays in order to help you meet the time and presentation requirements during the practice test.

Try to learn how to write about the reasons for obesity in a connected manner. The same applies for all your future essays, regardless of the prompt requirements. Connecting the discussion points help to increase your scoring potential overall. For example:

Junk food is one of the main reasons that children gain weight. When combined with a sedentary lifestyle, there is a tendency for the combination create an obese person. In addition to these two factors, one also has to consider the part that genetics plays in weight gain. That said, when a child is fond of junk food, does not exercise, and comes from a heavy weight family, the combined factors can definitely lead to obesity which, in turn, can lead to health problems.

Health problems such as adolescent hypertension, high cholesterol, and vitamin deficiencies are caused by obesity. When a child is not fond of exercising, the chances for increased health problems such as heart disease also increase. Therefore, obesity presents more than just nutritional problems in an adolescent. It also places a the young person's health at risk. Therefore obese youngsters should be advised to lower their weight due to health considerations.

The above example shows you how to create a connected discussion of different topics, well developed in each paragraph. Each one connecting to the next paragraph in order to meet the clarity, cohesiveness, and coherence requirements of the essay. Once you meet a high score in the TA and C&C scoring bracket, you will most likely get a higher score in the remaining scoring elements as well. If you compare my partial presentation to what you wrote, you will see that mere discussion points , as you presented, do not really address the questions being posed by the prompt in the required manner and format.

Writing Feedback / IELTs Task1: The bar chart shows University subjects chosen [5]

I can tell that you took great pains to write this essay clearly so that you came up with 327 words. While you did manage to increase your scoring potential through clarity in the presentation, I am worried that in an actual test, when you have to write this on a pen and paper basis, plus the need to review, revise, and edit your essay on the spot, you may not be able to perform this well.

There is a reason that you need to be able to write a complete analysis within 275 - 300 words. Like I said, you need to consider the actual writing environment when doing the practice tests. I dare you to write 327 words for a Task 1 essay within 20 minutes the way you did with this essay. If you can do it, then go ahead and keep writing long essays. I know for a fact you did not use a timer when you wrote this essay and you did not review and revise your written work before submission because the errors in direct relation to the GRA scoring considerations are clear in the essay. You did not manage to spot and correct these errors.

While this type of presentation, without consideration of time constraints and word count would garner you at least a 6.5 in scoring potential, I am not going to score this essay based on the existing scoring criteria because I know this is an unrealistic presentation of the illustration analysis on your part. You did not follow the required time format for writing this essay. This type of writing is good for written language practice, not good for an IELTS essay. You need to practice under the correct exam setting or you will not be able to properly perform during the actual exam date.

Undergraduate / Parents' advice about thinking - TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY ESSAY QUESTION [9]

Hi Lara, the prompt asks you to "Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person." It does not ask you for any work experience because that is not important to the response. I think your lecturer is confusing the "community" aspect of the prompt with "work environment" which are two different things. Your community is the area where you grew up, which is what you refer to in the "Red in a blue state". So that is the community where you grew up and that is the experience that molded and cultivated your mindset as an individual.

The work environment is the "Did you participate in a campaign" part which refers to an actual practice of your political ideology, which is not necessary at this point. The whole point of the essay is to explain to the reviewer how you developed into the person you are today, not what your politics is. The mention of "red in blue" merely reinforces that you grew up in a community that had two different beliefs from where you took the best that both mindsets had to offer, resulting in the open mind that you have today.

Sure you are more "red than blue" but that doesn't necessarily require a politicizing of the discussion, which is what will happen if you present any "work environment" samples in relation to the "RvB" discussion. That is and never was the point of this essay. Your political affiliation does not dictate who you are as a person, it only contributed to the development of the person you are today.

I hope my explanation makes sense to you. The essay you wrote is, in my opinion, really very good and usable in terms of the prompt requirements. Your response will not limit your ability to be considered for acceptance into any university. Don't worry about it. This essay is not the only basis of your admission, in certain instances, you also need to submit additional documentation such as a transcript of records to prove your academic acceptability into the university. You also have other essays that will be written and submitted to add to your potential for consideration based on the written interview. Don't worry, this one essay will not have any effect on your admission to the university. You are still at the start of the application process at this point.

Undergraduate / UBC Entrance Essay on Unfamiliar Situation and Learning Outcomes - Airplane Engine Failure [2]

Dimitri, this is a very weak response to the prompt. The lesson learned is not impressive because there was no real situation wherein you failed with consequences and had to either come back from that failure or learn to move on from it with a better understanding of yourself. The situation you present is too controlled as there was an instructor involved and aside from not being able to complete the maneuver properly and being taught how to do it, there were no repercussions for you as a person, student, or participant. You need something stronger that shows how you handle a stressful situation. The stressful situation will explain to the reviewer about how you handle pressure and what sort of college student you might be. What he wants to know is whether or not you are already mature enough to be considered a serious college student.

You need a more serious life situation to discuss here. Something where you were not in control and there was no safety net to catch you when you made the mistake or failed at the task. That lack of a safety net is what will help you respond to the "What did you do, what was the outcome, and what did you learn" part of the prompt. If you click on the Similar Discussions [+] link, you will see similar prompt topics to your own. You can learn what kind of essay you need to write based on the writing of the other students. You should be able to use those samples to develop an impressive response of your own as I am sure you have the perfect life experience to share based on the situation requirements.

Scholarship / CHEVENING APPLICATION ESSAY- NETWORKING TOGETHER IS BETTER [2]

Ahmad, this is not a clear nor effective essay presentation. Your networking skills, development process, and usability does not indicate a real nor truly working and effective network in the field of animal conservation. The fact that you mention Facebook further dispels any idea that you are a leading professional in your field of work. While you did mention the names of 2 leading authorities in the field, you are not making any sense with regards to that presentation.

How does your meeting these 2 people indicate a notable network on your part? Did they do anything to help you during a situation in the performance of your tasks? More importantly, are they writing your Chevening recommendation letter? If you are merely name dropping them but they do not have any sort of direct working relationship with you, then your mentioning them is useless. Specially when, in your essay, you do not mention anything other than having met them but not working directly for or with them in a networking capacity.

Filing reports with the founder of the organization does not create a network. That just means you are a record keeper or a secretary. I think that you are not really sure about what the Chevening networking essay is all about. You must read the samples at this forum and then revise your essay to be more in line with the requirements of the prompt. You are not offering a look into how you develop a working network, how this network has helped you professionally, and why this is a network that Chevening must consider an important addition to their roster. Right now, the essay is weak, doesn't make much sense, and truly does not present a clear networking response to the prompt.

Your presentation sounds more like a text version of your resume bullet points / outline. The highlight of the writing is in your duties and responsibilities at the organizations, which is definitely not what networking is all about. This essay cannot be used for your application intentions. You must write a new one that clearly explains your networking skills.

Graduate / Situation where you had to overcome a significant obstacle to reach a goal.State reactions & lessons [3]

Nathaniel, this is a response that directly responds to the essay prompt. There are several areas that can be improved though. You have statements that are a bit difficult to understand. There are a number of points that need clarification in this presentation due to the confusing presentation.

The first part that needs clarification is the quote from your mother. You need to appropriately connect that quote with the situation you presented in the essay. I am not quite sure about its relevance because you did not close out the essay with a justification of the quote through your experiences, lessons, or reaction to the situation you found yourself in.

Next, what did you mean by "... tertiary institution read agriculture? Read? What does that mean? It doesn't make sense in English. I am guessing that you meant to say you were accepted into an agriculture focused university? You need to reword that sentence for clarification purposes. This leads me to another question.

Since the quote you presented was from your mom, how did she fit into the scenario? Why were you only with your dad and why did she not financially support your studies? That is a loophole in your discussion that you need to plug.

This is a well developed draft that has room for improvement. I hope that you have not maxed out your word count yet so that you can further enhance the content. Otherwise, you will need to totally revise the essay in order to close the questions and problems that I pointed out above.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2. Sense of competion or teamwork? Which one is better? [5]

Dang, you won't be scored lower for writing a longer essay provided your essay makes sense, has a proper sentence structure, and follows proper English grammar. The 5 sentence maximum is meant to help you write a proper essay length during the test. Ideally, for a task 2 essay, the proper length is anywhere from 250-275 words. 300 words will be difficult to edit within the given amount of time to write the essay response. That is also one major reason why you have the one topic in 5 sentences limit.

Everything in the test is designed to help you score more and allow you to concentrate on the clarity of your explanation as opposed to the length. A long essay can receive a low score due criteria based mistakes. A mid-length or short essay will score better if the potential for a better criteria presentation exists in your work. Basically, the scoring potential is like this:

Long essay that lacks clarity and grammar control < (less) potential for a higher score
Short and clear essay > (greater) potential for a higher score.

If you want a higher score in the test, then make sure you have written enough words that still allows you time to edit the final version before passing it for scoring. That is why you should try to stay within the 275 word discussion count. A mid length essay is always best.

Undergraduate / My first microscope - University of Illinois at Chicago admission essay [2]

Hamza, the focus of your essay is supposed to be Biological Science right? I take it that you are taking this as a pre-med course? A preliminary study leading to you taking the MCAT and eventually attending medical school so you can become a doctor right? After all, your dad is a neurologist. So your essay should be clear about that. Take the stance that Biological Science is your stepping stone towards your actual ambition of becoming a doctor. At the moment, your essay diverts in ambition paths when you start to talk about working in your father's clinic. The best thing for you to do is to reconnect the two by creating a connecting paragraph that would introduce the fact that you are looking to enter pre-med as a part of the studies for your actual ambition which is to become a doctor like your dad. Once you connect the two interests, the essay will have a more cohesive presentation that better explains the reasons for your interest in Biological Sciences. You are not undecided, you are very clear about your academic path in relation to your professional ambition. You just need to create a better connection between the two related fields of study.

Undergraduate / Parents' advice about thinking - TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY ESSAY QUESTION [9]

Lara, this is a good start. I don't see anything wrong with the discussion you have presented. It is actually a very timely topic and shows how you can reconcile political beliefs with social norms and dictates. The only thing I would like you to do is increase the information in the essay to include how your community has shaped you. As you said, you are a red in a blue state. How did the differing mindset help you develop as a person most specially during these volatile political times? It would be a fantastic way to show how your community helped shaped you by understanding how differences of opinion and beliefs can be overcome to create a solid and supportive foundation that can help shape an open minded and widely educated person such as yourself.

Truly, this essay is one that I believe can stand out from the pack because of the theme you have chosen to discuss it is unique and highly informative. It shows you are a student who is set apart from the rest of the applicants because you know how to handle differing opinions and you can learn from open discussions. As a person, I believe this essay has the potential to describe you as a well rounded incoming freshman. Good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / The Birth Rates changes in two developed countries - US and China over the period of 1920-2000 [3]

Tran, your analysis is a bit confusing to read. You need to focus on the clarity of the information you are presenting. For example, there are only 2 countries indicated in the presentation, China and the US. Therefore, it is a mistake on your part to say "including the US and China" because there are no other countries being mentioned in the chart.

Your trending statement is incomplete. You need to indicate what lower birth rate China had at the end of the 80 year period. need to create a solid trending presentation for that paragraph that indicates the rate of decline in birth rate for China at the end of the period.

Do not use connecting words to start a sentence. That is a basic writing rule in English. Your GRA score will be affected by the use of "And" as a sentence opener in the 3rd paragraph.

This is a good effort but you need to do more work in order to develop a better analytical presentation in your succeeding work. Remember to outline the provided information in line with the prompt requirements before you write the analysis portion of the essay. Take about 5 minutes to study the data before you start writing so that you will have a clear idea of what and how you hope to present the information in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The best way to reduce crime among young people is to teach parents good parenting skills - IELTS 2 [3]

MingChin, your discussion in this essay is partially correct. The reason that I say it is partially correct is because you are still on point with your reasoning although, your response to the task is incorrect. Why is it incorrect? Let's outline it for a clearer picture:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Wrong Response: I believe that virtuous companions and friends are the best way to deter them from committing crimes.
Correct Response: I am definitely convinced ...

See what I mean? You had the correct idea, just in the wrong place within the essay. Always make sure that you provide the correct response within the paraphrased paragraph because that is where it will most help your score in terms of TA considerations.

Now, the next problem with your essay is that the example that you used in reference to your cousins isn't really complete in discussion and presentation. The point of that example was not made clear to the reader. How does this example relate to parenting lessons? There is no clear connection between your example and the prompt topic.

You have a pretty good idea with regards to discussion presentations. What you need to work on at this point is your understanding of the prompt requirements and how to present your response in a manner that reflects the prompt requirements. Seeing how well you can understand the English language and how you can use it to a great extent in your writing, you should be able to correct that problem with your succeeding essays.

Undergraduate / The freedom to think, innovate and create something solely using imagination and logical reasoning [2]

Hetav, your first paragraph is totally irrelevant to the question being asked. This is not a reason for choosing Waterloo in relation to your major, this is the reason why you read Golberg's work. Your second paragraph is also more of an fyi for the reviewer, who already knows these information so this cannot be considered a reason for your choice of program or university either. Basically, what I am saying is, whether you agree or not, your response is incorrect. While I can see why you thought that your response is correct, it doesn't really relate to your chosen major or reason for choosing the university on a personal basis.

There are 2 factors that need to be responded to in this character limited response. The reason for your choice of university is related to your academic goals. What you hope to learn based on what you already know. So yes, mention your familiarity with computer languages in relation to the academic requirements of your studies. Then there is the professional goal. That is where the choice of Waterloo University comes in. Discuss what internship or training programs the university offers that you hope to participate in because it will give you an edge as a future professional.

The statement wants you to prove that you have seriously considered Waterloo as a first choice university by showing your familiarity with the university and course offerings. These are personal reasons that should never include publicly known facts as that shows that you just have a superficial understanding of the university and the course offerings. At the moment, you are offering a response that is not aligned with the prompt requirements. I suggest you develop a new, more relevant response instead.

Writing Feedback / Youngsters demanded to do social works in their leisure time in order to help the poor and disabled [2]

Nguyen, you have discussed a totally different topic from the one provided in the original discussion. You have created your own prompt for discussion, which is known as a prompt deviation, which always results in a failing score during the actual test. The prompt deviation can be seen early on in your response presentation. See the comparison below:

Discussion Question: DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
Response: While I accept that this view, I also believe that students should spend more time to study than taking part in social activities.

The response is either you agree or disagree, not an opinion. You do not respond to the question at all within your discussion because this is supposed to be a single opinion (agree or disagree) discussion essay based on a personal opinion. It is not a "Discuss both points of view and give your opinion" essay. If it were, then that exact key phrase would have been indicated in the prompt instructions. As such, you have not followed the prompt requirements and therefore, cannot be scored in a passing manner for your work.

Do not create your own discussion instructions. Always make sure to follow the instruction provided in the original prompt. If you are not sure that you have followed the prompt of you don't know how to discuss it, ask questions. Don't just write and pray you got it right, that is how you fail the test. You can also read the other Task 2 sample essays here before you continue with your own practice tests. Just so you will be more familiar with the discussion types and how to correctly respond to the instructions or questions provided in the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: How the greenhouse effect on the temperature of the earth [3]

Hang, word count wise, you have more than enough words to pass the word criteria but format and presentation wise, you have a lot to learn. If you have the time, please look at the existing Task 1 writing samples on this forum. It will help you get a better idea as to how to properly format the paper, what you are expected to write, and the most effective analytical presentation for the image provided. It is because you lack the know-how of how to properly write the task 1 essay that I will not be scoring your essay for now. It is unfair to score your work when I know that you have yet to learn the rudiments of writing the task 1 essay. As of now, I will focus on helping you learn the proper format first.

A Task 1 essay is written in a 4 paragraph format composed of the following:

1. Summary overview
2. Trending statement
3. Analysis of the image
4. Comparison of information

The summary overview is composed of the discussion topic, type of discussion, image reference, and instruction statement. The trending statement may or may not be attached to this paragraph. The trending statement can be a stand alone sentence when required to help fulfill the 4 paragraph requirement.

Basically, your discussion, as presented is good but not acceptable. There are 3 images being presented to you in the procedural illustration. Therefore, you need to have 3 separate paragraphs for each image, this will then create the 4 paragraph analytical essay presentation. Each image has a separate topic, so each topic needs a stand alone presentation. Your analysis is acceptable, but it gets confusing to read because it is mixed in with the other images and their accompanying explanations.

In order to meet the coherence and cohesiveness requirements of the essay, you need to clearly explain each image using a 3-5 sentence format per paragraph. That way you not only meet the word count, but you also have enough space to better explain what the images are about and what the end results are. Right now, your presentation is a jumbled mess because the reader cannot keep track of what image refers to what, why, and how.

Read the samples here. Those should help get your next practice essay on the right track.

Scholarship / Starting my own clothing business - Leadership and Influence essay [5]

Ruth, why are you giving a business history presentation to the reviewer? He is going to read the first 2 paragraphs of your essay and trash this because you are not delivering on the leadership and influencing requirements at all. Even if he finishes reading the whole essay, all you established was that you know how to start a business, but not lead or influence your staff. This is not a usable leadership and influencing essay.

An effective leadership and influencing essay starts after the business has already been established and you need to handle your employees already. That means, you have to be in an actual management mode when dealing with your people. As a leader, you should showcase how you handle problem situations within the workplace such as a problem with managing supplies, discussing with suppliers, handling your QA supervisors, and other related incidents. For the influencing, you should be discussing how you manage to get people to work for you when there are management issues such as a potential worker strike, unionizing, or even salary issues. How do you influence the workers to cooperate with you as the business owner when it comes to dealing with their demands for wages and fair labor practices?

You are missing out on a whole range of leadership and influencing issues that could definitely catch the attention of the reviewer. It will be best for you to come up with a 2nd version of this essay that takes places in the middle of the business already rather than starting at the bottom where there is no real evidence of leadership and influencing yet. All you did in this essay was explain how you hired people and that, does not equate to leadership and influencing skills. Remember, you need to focus on showing how you can be a leader and influencer in the future to help improve your country. At this point, you haven't really established that yet.

Scholarship / STUDY PLAN to apply for scholarship - my desire to attend the Master's Degree Program in Management [4]

Nguyen, your essay lacks an academic focus and a professional goal in your presentation. Half the time, you are lecturing the reviewer rather than actually presenting personal information regarding the development of your interest in this masters program. You are not even referring to the potential professional application of your academic learning in the advanced field. This statement is too broad and generalized in presentation. It is almost as if you are not certain about your reasons for your application so you cannot discuss a solid personal interest in the field of study you wish to apply in.

Your personal statement should indicate a specific set of information covering no more than 500 words. These information are:

1. Your academic background in relation to your chosen masters course. What you have done is simply present a general academic background that does not really explain why you qualify to study this particular course.

2. Your professional accomplishments that will support your claims that you are proficient enough in terms of actual practice to fully understand and accomplish the new course requirements.

3. The reason why you chose to study at a particular university. You have only explained why you chose to study in Taiwan so far and the reason for choosing the country is different from the academic motivation for choosing the university.

You must also present the essay in an essay format instead of an outline format. This needs to be smooth discussion without any breaks in presentation for sub-headlines. Use transition sentences and paragraphs instead. Right now this is a good draft but it is not totally usable due to missing elements. You need to fill in the missing parts in order to create a better second draft.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship Leadership Response - the potential to be a leader [3]

Clay, you are not really responding to the task requirement as indicated by the Chevening prompt. There is no need to outline your leadership skills. There is no need to define your understanding of personal and professional leadership. These are all a waste of the reviewer's time. You will lose his interest if you do not answer the question directly by simply providing a clear example of your leadership and influencing style and indicating how this should be considered an appropriate example of a leadership and influencing style that can influence future generations in the country.

Take your example from being an accounts clerk. You led the interns at that time right? As such, you were able to influence one of them towards a professional direction that fulfilled his ambitions. Discuss how you led that particular intern and how you influenced his decision to take the CAT. As far as any reviewer is concerned, that is a clear cut example of a person with a potential to become a national leader and influencer in the future. Everything else you stated before and after this section in this paper are throwaways that do not help your application at all. Focus on the prize, that is the proof that you are a leader and influencer in your country in a small scale at the moment. This is the part that highlights of effective a mentor, leader, and influencer you are and that, is what the reviewer may just decide to take notice of.