Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

Yep, that's about as good as you are going to get with this approach in under 500 words. Good job, though, making so many revisions. Your hard work has clearly paid off.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

Again, give us some specifics. If you just want to know how to do well on exams generally, then the answer is "study."

Writing Feedback / Vimy Ridge,Day of Deliverance,Constitution Act;3 Defining Moments- Canadian History [4]

Okay, I suppose the analogy itself isn't so bad. But mostly, the intro consists of general statements that don't need stating.

"Every person must go through events that make them who they are." True, but probably a tautology, or close enough to it as to make stating it pointless.

"Every time we fail or do poorly, we learn how to improve ourselves and use those mistakes to help us in the future." Again, fairly generic statement, and interesting only in that it is probably unjustifiable as a generalization.

"On the other side of things, every time we do exceptionally well on something, we use those times to benefit ourselves." Similar to the last sentence, only without the benefit of having anything to make it interesting.

"Every human must go through these distinguishing moments as they define who they are." A repeat of the first sentence. Stronger sounding, here, because it sets up the analogy, but if it didn't bear mentioning the first time, what justification for repeating it?

"Similarly, Canada is a country that has faced many enduring adventures." This is an analogue to the previous phrase, in that it is equally generic and so uninteresting.

So, I stand by my advice -- cut all of this and start out with the details that actually matter.

Undergraduate / 'I would never do another pageant' - univer. of michigan--setback youve faced ESSAY [9]

The essay seems solid. You've got an obstacle, a story about how you overcame it, and what you learned from the experience. This part seems a bit wordy, though:

"After watching it that's when it came to me. A setback is defined as anything that delays progress. It came to me that over the years, my setback was-myself." You could probably delete most or all of this, if you need to shorten the essay a bit.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

Yeah, at the moment the yellow blanket seems of secondary importance to the journal, but your thread topic does make it sound as if you want to focus more on the former than on the latter, so mentioning the blanket again at the ending would be a good idea.

Letters / Cover letter for postdoc application [5]

"I am writing you to apply for a postdoctoral scholar positionswith your research group, which is related to my research experiences" ."

The %% seem to be the meat of your essay, which for whatever reason you have seen fit to omit here, so there's not too much more feedback I can give you.

Writing Feedback / Archie isn't just a typical guy I've encountered in my life! - Unforgettable person [4]

Avoid making minor spelling errors. For instance:

"charm and wit "
"he had a smile and charisma "

Make sure your tenses are consistent. For example:

"It was a big relief to talk to him whenever I had problems."
OR
"It is a big relief to talk to him whenever I have problems."
depending on whether or not you still talk to this person.

I'm sure other contributors will have other minor fixes for you.

Writing Feedback / Colleges for gain knowledge, new experience & prepare for future career - TOEFL [11]

Sentences should not be artificially long. That is, you shouldn't just add words to make the sentence stretch out. You can combine several shorter sentences into one longer one, if you'd like. It's a good idea to do this occasionally, as the best writing uses a variety of sentence structures and lengths.

As to the sentence:

"Those parents pointed out many conspicuous changes, such asincreased respect for others, a greater ability to concentrate on details and a new capacity to handle hurdles." The main changes are the smallest ones -- using the right prepositions. The rest just makes the structure more tightly parallel.

Undergraduate / Transfer Admission Essay - a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals [6]

That's wonderful! But, let's take a look at the prompt again:

"Transfer essay that is a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and explains your reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended institution to attend the University of Connecticut "

Hmmm . . . After rereading the paragraph several times, I have no idea either what your academic goals are, or why you want to transfer. Maybe your second paragraph will answer these questions . . . give me a sec . . .

Nope. It's a great list of things you have accomplished, but it doesn't have any bearing at all on either of the things the prompt asked you about. Well, I'm going to pretend that I'm an admissions officer, and as I now know that you cannot follow simple instructions, I shall crumple up your letter and toss it aside without reading any further.

Sorry, that was a bit mean. But you get the point -- you need a shorter, more focused essay that directly addresses the prompt, the whole prompt, and nothing but the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Originality and thinking - GRE Issue No:2. [5]

Your second paragraph seems to directly contradict your thesis, as you admit that everything ultimately has to have its origin in something else. The rest of your essay slams things that clearly lack any sort of originality, howsoever defined, which doesn't really prove your point. If you want to argue against the prompt, you are going to have to think of something that was invented that involved an idea that was completely, utterly new. I'm pretty sure that's impossible, so good luck with that.

Poetry / Gerard Manley Hopkins research final senior paper [4]


I'm pretty sure you are in fact misusing the term "objective correlative." For the term to make sense, you would need to be discussing how a series of images or sense perceptions give rise naturally to a particular emotion. In what sense does the dialectic method function to present a series of sensory perceptions? And what emotion would it give rise to? The sublime, or the emotional experience thereof? And why should the dialectic method in particular be appropriate for evoking this emotion?

Writing Feedback / Colleges for gain knowledge, new experience & prepare for future career - TOEFL [11]

Yes and no. Yes, showing that you have an advanced vocabulary by using strong verbs and precise nouns to make your writing concise will definitely help you, No, simply throwing in big words for the sake of using them won't do anything except annoy your readers, especially if you use them incorrectly. In fact, that could actually lower your mark. Your essay contains some good and some bad examples of lexical choices.

Good: "Those parents pointed out the conspicuous changes, say, respect to others, more concentration on details and the capability of handling hurdles."

Grammatically this sentence needs revising, but your use of the words "conspicuous" and "hurdle" put your diction at the level you are aiming for.

Bad: "Contemparily, knowledge is in some aspects the key element in deciding one's ability and the fundamental requirement to the brilliant future."

This entire sentence is so vague as to border on being meaningless. Also, "Contemparily" is not a word. You might have meant "contemporarily," but that wouldn't really be right here, either.

Book Reports / Need help writing an Abstract on Gay New York from the turn of late 19 century [5]

Haven't read the book, so you're on your own with content, unless someone else on the forums happens to have perused it.


Um. You might need a little more detail here (about the setting, not about the orgies). I'm sure that even the most notorious districts of New York didn't have orgies in the streets in 1890s.


This doesn't make much sense to me. Revise.


Again, more details are needed. Vigilantes imply people protecting the streets against dangerous criminals. Were the people in these neighborhoods dangerous to anyone? Were the attacks against gay people, or against poor people generally living in areas known for vice crime? etc.

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

Also, a story should have a conflict that needs resolving. The scene you've written is more like just the resolution, without the conflict, which is unsatisfying for your reader.

Writing Feedback / The current technological innovation (the first writting in this web) [4]


"Necessity is the mother of invention," is the saying you're looking for.

I don't know how concerned you are with content, but the essay at the moment lacks depth. You have a list of facts about cars, written in paragraph form. A more interesting essay might have analyzed these facts to determine whether the benefits mentioned in the first half outweighed the disadvantages mentioned in the second half.

Of course, you may just be writing to practice grammar and style, in which case, you needn't worry about content much at all.

First tip -- the punctuation should be the same as it is in my comments; periods, colons, semi-colons, and commas have no space before them, and one space after them. This is really quite important, as essays with extra/missing spaces can be difficult for others to read, especially in the latter case.

Second tip -- verbs need to match the noun in number, and they need to be conjugated to reflect the tense you intend. For instance:

"Cars is created to give better mileage that contribute to save money" is doubly wrong. First, "cars" is plural. "Is" is singular. It would have to be either "Cars are" or "cars were." Second, you're talking about something that happened in the past. "is" and "are" are present tense. "Was" and "were" are past tense. So, in the case, the sentence should begin "cars were," so that the verb is both plural and past.

I'm sure other contributors will point out other things you can fix . . .

Essays / Bringing features from Africa to the US - Any Ideas on how to approach this? [3]


At the beginning, of course. In this case, you will have to do a fair amount of research to figure out why the numbers are so low in most of the countries, and so high in the rest. Once you know what economic problems the poorer countries are facing, and can see how their economic and political situations differ from the wealthy ones, you may be able to start coming up with possible solutions to the problems. You could also research what has been tried in the past, if anything, to close the gap.

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]

You're at the PhD level, and you can't think of a topic at all? You have no ideas? Nothing about the entire field interests you enough to consider writing about it? Possibly you're in the wrong field . . .

In any event, do some research in your field, read up on the latest theories and trends, then create a short list of possible topics that you think you'd like to write on. Then, if you post the list here, and give us something to work with, maybe we can help you.

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]


Well, America could always adopt key aspects of the Japanese model. So, nothing after elementary school compulsory, and tuition fees for all students, even in public schools. My point was that the comparison of school systems should probably involve more than merely looking at average test scores, which is how the media tends to report on the issue.


At the risk of creating a a completely off-topic digression, I'm curious what history exactly they are ignorant of. All history? World history? American history? Recent American history? I would have thought that students from good schools would at least have learned about such things as the American Civil War, the two World Wars, the Cold War, the Vietnam War (history is really only a series of wars, it occurs to me). Maybe something about the Great Depression, the New Deal, Reaganism. Of course, it isn't surprising that history would have fallen out of favor. Historical facts and figures can be easily looked up online, so don't really need to be memorized anymore. As to the importance of knowing history in some wider sense, I can't think of a single historical narrative that hasn't been so challenged that any neophyte listening to the various versions wouldn't conclude that its all a matter of what one wants to believe anyway.

Writing Feedback / My best friend in elementary school; Friendship forever [4]

What's the purpose of this essay? Is it an assignment, or just a personal thing? If it is an assignment, what is the exact prompt, and what are the criteria it will be judged on?

Essays / Mini-Research Paper (Autism) [5]

Interesting last sentence. So, you are saying that research might break the connection between autistic and non-autistic people, so that no communication at all is possible? Or do you mean that "With such high intellectual potential in autistic children, research might finally bridge the gap between their world and ours"?

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]


This is just so wonderful. Yes, by all means, talk about this in your essay, if you have the time to rework it. This would be an excellent thesis.

Poetry / poem review [the wounded soul] [8]

God bless Freud. I'd alter the grammar a bit:

A man in sea of wrath
Unsheathed sword, sinking in a passing tree
Hurt and scarred, she falls silent .
...
Sea calms ... sun shines
Sword sheathed, she asks him
Why do you still hurt me?

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

Well, you don't explain who the Lords are, or why they have singled your protagonist out, or why the protagonist has lost her way, or why the Lords care, etc. You need to at least hint at some of this if you want your piece to function as a complete story.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

This is good -- you still discuss fairly abstract concepts, but here they are grounded in your concrete experience of having moved to India, which makes your thoughts much easier to follow.

Writing Feedback / "Who made history"--A difficult GRE Issue topic [9]

Content-wise your essay is thoughtful and well-argued. Your grammar definitely needs polishing, though.

Tenses should be use appropriately, for instance: "Without him, American might have suffered from the British monarchy for more years and might not be such a democratic country." Likewise: "History can only remember those names of the famous few, while numerous scientists who also devoted their lifetime to science remain unknown"

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]


No, it isn't. It is quite imaginative, certainly, but the story itself clearly exists.

In any event, the story seems incomplete. Unless your assignment was simply to create a scene that could fit into a larger work of fiction, you are going to need to add more detail to explain what is going on to the reader.

Undergraduate / "My dream" essay (a medical profession) [7]

Get rid of the "dream" frame. It's unnecessary, and while it might work as a poetic device, MLK sort of ruined it for everyone else who might want to use it, because you're not going to top the original speech. Apart from that, your essay is fairly strong. You have a clear research goal and you explain why it means something to you. I believe, though, that you might mean that

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

You revised draft is stronger. For the ending, perhaps you could talk about how your desire to show appreciation for all the good things in your life has inspired you to get into volunteer or community work. Something along those lines would allow you to talk more about how you would strive to benefit the university.

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]



Yes, yes it would. Stick with the Christian paradigm. As for my original suggestion, you wouldn't really need to change that much. Mostly the intro and some of the transitions in the bodies, then add some analysis in at the end of each paragraph. That's what you're really missing at the moment. You try to analyze, but you have no theme to tie the incidents into, so you just end up saying that the events make Owen seem divine, which is true but too obvious to be a good foundation for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay: living and studying overseas [6]


It's a bad habit to get into. The pronouns "he," "him," and "himself" are still the grammatically correct singular form here, but, as Simone will no doubt vocally protest, can be read as sexist use of language by those ignorant of the etymology of the words and of the nature of gender in language. A compromise is to simply go with the plural form, so that you can correctly use plural pronouns. So,

Compared to their peers who study in their home countries, students who are living overseas will be more successful in adapting themselves to new environments and situations in life.

Graduate / Master of Finance - Statement of Intent Essay; 'Paul approached me...' [10]

One way you could fix the passage mentioned by Simone:

Before: "Like most MBA graduates, I stepped into the VC industry only to temporarily chase the dream of earning glamorous incentives - great turnover on IPO and M&A realizations, before moving onto greener pastures. I could not say that I had a strong passion for the VC business until I had the opportunity to work on this project. In the process of producing the new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC is not only a means of financing, but also a means of management coaching."

After: "I entered the VC industry chasing the dream of earning glamorous incentives, but in the process of producing new financial forecasts, I came to realize that VC could actually be an effective means of management coaching."

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]


There you go. Use this as your thesis statement, and explain how each event does this. That should strengthen your essay considerably.

Undergraduate / "Whatever you do, own it!" - UCF admission - Why did you choose to apply to UCF [13]

You need to use stronger verbs and more concise sentence structures. So, for instance:

Before: "'whatever you do, own it' These words have become a guiding force and have been expressed to me throughout my life. I have been taught by my parents that there is enormous power, satisfaction and many challenges in owning your own business. Because UCF is a leading partnership University, I feel the opportunities at this school will lead me to accomplishing my goal of owning a business one day."

After: "'whatever you do, own it' My parent's words have echoed throughout my life, convincing me to pursue the goal of starting my own business. As a leading partnership University, UCF will prepare me to do exactly that."

You could probably tighten it up even more, but this gives you an idea of how you should edit. Your original version was 69 words. Mine is 37, and says the exact same thing. Also, your version used the following verbs:

own
become
express
teach
to be ("is")
to be ("is")
feel
lead

Worse, "Become" and "express" end up becoming overwhelmed by the form of "to be" with which they are paired.

Mine uses the following verbs:

own
echo
convince
pursue
prepare

Not a form of "to be" in sight, and while some of the verbs are still a bit weak, overall the set is much stronger.

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]

The content seems weak because its mostly plot summary. Yes, there are three clearly supernatural seeming events that impact Owen psychologically and interest the reader by hinting at Owen's association with the divine. Anyone who has read the book, or even a summary of the book, already knows this. How does this develop a theme of some sort?

Writing Feedback / Colleges for gain knowledge, new experience & prepare for future career - TOEFL [11]


.Charisma. is the wrong word here.


And, yet, the vast majority of the adults in the world haven't gone to college, and until recently, only a handful ever really expected to.

Okay, go through and put spaces between your sentences. The lack of them makes this too hard to keep reading. Add the spaces and then repost.

Book Reports / "The Storm" by Kate Chopin - my position paper [11]

I personally would favor the second topic, as it would lead to a more readily debatable thesis, but you can and should go with whichever topic you think you can write the most about. Why not try brainstorming a list of points for each topic, and see if anything sparks?

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]

I think you mean "psychological," not "physiological." At any rate, the former makes much more sense with what you have actually written.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

I like the level of detail in the narrative. However, I would suggest condensing it somewhat to make room for more reflection at the end. Remember, this is an application essay. You are not just trying to recount a meaningful event; you are also try to show that you are the sort of person that would be a good candidate for admissions. So, you need to explain how this experience will make you a better student. At the moment, it does not do that as much as you probably want it to.

Undergraduate / I will forever be nostalgic for the summer of 09 - PENN STATE essay [4]

Good essay overall. You have a clear, strong motivation to do well in university in the form of your daughter. That's understandable and respectable. This, on the other hand, is dull and pointless:


Delete it. Replace it with a concluding sentence that expresses how you see attending Penn as the best way to become a better provider for your family.

Writing Feedback / "Running away"; "I'm sorry for all that is happening, but..." - rate my essay [7]

Yup. It's okay to start in media res, but you have to clarify the back story at some point. The sooner and more you clarify, the more readable your story will become, but the less suspense you'll get out of it. So, its a trade-off. The longer you keep the reader in the dark, the greater the chance the reader will lose interest and decide the story is too confusing to bother with. The sooner you explain what's going on, though, the less mileage you can get out of keeping the reader in suspense. Where you strike the balance depends upon who your audience is, but for a story aimed at a the general public, you should establish at least a basic sense of who, where, and why fairly quickly.