Undergraduate / Education and my parents - Ucf admissions essay [2]

My parents' influences in my academics is personified through me everyday; however, my loving sisters are responsible for my outgoing personality.

Excellent essay! Only a few corrections. You have a consistent flow, nicely linked paragraphs, and good transitions. Your content answers the prompt nicely and your conclusion is tidy. Good work.

Undergraduate / "traditions which I can relate to as a student" - fsu essay [2]

I'm not really sure if your essay answers the prompt. You define tradition very nicely and illustrate examples of tradition, but the only time you link tradition to your life is through the history of your high school. The admissions board is looking for something a bit more thorough, something that has directly impacted your life. Don't get me wrong; your essay is good, but I don't think it's exactly what they are looking for.

Undergraduate / 'Unexciting homework' - Common Application Activity Essay [5]

Good morning.

Well, this boils down to what you feel you can answer more in a way that puts a good light on you. In other words, which one can you answer more easily, more eloquently, more clearly, and that shows you for the best you that you can put forward :) ?

The first could portray you as an individual as a well-rounded global individual; the other gives you a chance to talk about your strengths and how those strengths can benefit the campus. In the end, it is which one you feel more comfortable with.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / "To An Athelete Dying Young" - poem analysis [7]

You've got a good idea for your introduction here. I think you can shorten it up by stating that the main character falls prey to poor judgment, disloyalty, and foolish pride as a result of his unrealistic dreams and his career choice. Save the examples (such as Biff's) for the body of your essay.

Undergraduate / 'more than trained physician, dentist or veterinarian' - essay about being a doctor [6]

Well, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, a doctor is "a person, especially a physician, dentist, or veterinarian, trained in the healing arts and licensed to practice."

Doctors must be able to listen to their patients problems and fully understand them by putting themselves into the patient' s position.

Very nice work! I only had a couple of changes! Excellent!

Poetry / "To An Athelete Dying Young" - poem analysis [7]

Good afternoon.

It is up to you to interpret and analyze the material your instructor assigned to you. Because this is specific to a certain text and a specific curriculum, I will not be able to assist you with these details. I suggest you contact your instructor, classmates, or academic advisor to help you find study assistance for this particular class; they will be able to help you study the work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / "To An Athelete Dying Young" - poem analysis [7]

Good afternoon.

I suggest beginning your research by doing an internet search for "To an Athlete Edying Young" and "theme"; this will help you get a feel for what has already been published on the topic. When it gets down to it though, analysis is your own personal interpretation of a text and how you interpret it; thus, no one except you can write your content. What does this text remind you of in your own life? Once you identify this/these item(s) you can begin your rough draft.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Essay for scholarship - Master of Architecture in Deakin University in Australia [6]

"Having recently finished my bachelor studies in architecture at the University of Wuppertal, Germany, the international scholarship program in combination with the master of architecture at Deakin University would be a unique opportunity to improve my qualifications.

t would be an honour for me to learn from an award-winning team of professional and academic staff who will prepare me well for the challenging work in architectural practices (Here is fine).

Studying at Deakin University (OK) in Australia would not only broaden my horizons in the field of architecture and prepare me for practical work, but it would also give me the chance to experience a new and different culture.

I would deeply appreciate the exciting chance to get to know the Australian culture and way of life by becoming a part of it. Remove

Great.

Writing Feedback / Health promotion - Article Summary [4]

That depends on the citation style your instructor/institution requires. Once you find that out you can do a quick internet seach using the name of the style and "examples"; this will bring you tons of examples as to how to arrange and cite different types of information.

Undergraduate / Essay about the cause of me choosing my career path [2]

Good afternoon.

The prompt asks for the causes of your choice. Is it just the thought of making money and helping others that entices you to this career, or has there been some specific contact between yourself and a doctor that has helped influence you to this choice? What are the specific reasons you think being a doctor is a good idea? What about the drawbacks? Do they sway your decision at all?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write an exciting monologue [21]

Good afternoon.

Aside from the tips posted, make sure that it is something that you can "pull off"; watch out for long, rambling pieces or ones where the audience may get bored. If this is unavoidable, think about what kind of movement or physical actions you can add to the speech to keep your audience's attention.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "This is the worst economy I've ever seen." - Personal Essay [3]

This is an excellent essay. Your voice is strong and determined, you are confident in your topic, and write with great assertion. A few corrections, but overall the paragraphs are well structured, overall organization looks good, and the flow between well-connected paragraphs is easy. Nice work.

Writing Feedback / Death Didn't Choose Me - THESIS [6]

I'm sorry you couldn't find the assistance you were looking for here; unfortunately, we do not rewrite or create original material for essays. We are merely here to help you write your own content.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay- how my environment has influenced who i am today. [5]

Good morning.

They have two daughters of their own ... It was generous of them to take us in when they did, but it did not feel like home. I was not comfortable at first and felt very " on the outside."

I knew they all loved me but I just didn't feel right.
I became very outgoing and still have this quality today. Not only did I make new friends, but I gained a quick ability to adapt to a new environment. You should put something in here about having the new home being the reason for all of the new changes; it will help keep your flow. I learned how to live with ...

... or around shady people, is the main thing...
Because I associated with people with higher standards for themselves I have the confidence ...

Nice job.

Undergraduate / Libraries, the gym, the student union on-campus communities ; WHY UCF? [5]

Great; thanks!

Your essay does answer the prompt; you give good examples to support your opinions of the campus. Your voice is personable, helping to make the essay easy to read.

Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - one obstacle I've overcome- NEED to cut A LOT out. [3]

Good morning.
"An obstacle that I have overcome in my personal life was the loss of my mom when I was ten. It was a Monday, two days after my tenth birthday.

After school I sat in the office awaiting the arrival of my aunt, because I knew my mom was still in the hospital. S he had been for a while.

I made small talk with my guidance counselor, Mrs. Brandeberry, while I helped her stuff envelopes, but nothing could prepare me for the news I was about to receive.

She broke the news gently, saying "I'm sorry" (Remove comma) and "T hey did all they could."

That day changed me forever.

I remember the day she told me she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. [...] Even if I'm in a wheelchair, I'll wheelchair you down that aisle on your wedding day, and cheer for you at your graduation".You could paraphrase or condense this quite a bit, easing the flow and cutting down your word count in the process.

She taught me a lot in the time she did have, and I matured a lot, becoming more responsible and more mature than most my age, but her passing taught me the biggest lesson I have ever learned:Carpe Diem.

Keep up the hard work.

Writing Feedback / Death Didn't Choose Me - THESIS [6]

Good morning.

In regards to the thesis, please read my comments at the bottom of my first post.

The new sentences look grammatically correct.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]

Good afternoon.

Since you didn't tell what the specificiations for the assignment are and I was not present for the event you are writing about, I'm not really sure how much assistance I can be.

Perhaps you can describe some of the details of the morning. What do the presents look like? What does the home smell like? Who is with you? Did you get what you wanted? What happened after you opened presents? Is there a particularly entertaining story or joke that was told that day that you can remember?

When you're stuck like this, go to your five senses to help you get "unstuck". What did you hear, see, taste, smell, and feel? Choose one of those and go from there.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Libraries, the gym, the student union on-campus communities ; WHY UCF? [5]

Good afternoon.

Since you did not include the prompt/assignment specifics for this essay, I have edited it for grammar and punctuation only:

"There are over 3,000 colleges and universities in Florida and within these final years of my high school career I have seen a large amount of the ones I am interested in. I have always known college was in my future, but what college to choose was always a query lingering in my mind. My visits have led me to beautiful and prestigious campuses all over the state but there is only one school I consider would fulfill the next chapter in my life. The University of Central Florida, in my belief, seems to offer everything I anticipate to gain and so much more. As I toured the university grounds for the first time, I could instantly feel all of the questions, anxieties, and stress get lifted off my shoulders. All of the colleges I toured provided me with great facts and statistics but only UCF gave me the sense I was finally home.

Between the libraries, the gym, the student union, and all of the on-campus communities, there is hardly a need to ever leave campus. UCF presents nearly every club and activity any future, past, or present student would want. The University of Central Florida is just that, perfectly placed in the middle of anything I would want to do. Located in the nation's most popular tourist destination, this university's town provides activities to keep busy and numerous employment opportunities.

Walking through the UCF campus, the first thing I noticed was the great energy and the cheer coming from the current students. Decorated in black and gold, these future alumni glistened. I could tour every school in the nation but I knew my decision long ago. I want to be a Knight ."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Mill says" - Where to get started [4]

Good afternoon.

A thesis should be contained in an introductory paragraph that begins broad, including context, then dwindle down, much like a funnel, to the actual statement. I suggest putting your outline information down into a first rough draft. Once you see what your draft looks like then you can write an introduction to a partially finished paper. It is very difficult to write an opening to a paper that isn't written yet!

You could include something like, "Politicians do/do not meet Mill's minimum condition for being great thinkers because..." and then follow up with your examples. Put your information together and then you can post it here and we can work on a thesis. That might be easier.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Death Didn't Choose Me - THESIS [6]

Good afternoon.

As the prompt/requirements were not included in this posting, I have edited for grammar and punctuation only:

Being a rather routine day in the Mahmudiyah "Triangle of Death," located in southern Baghdad, Iraq, complacency was not a tolerable option for the twelve soldiers and I convoying to the western neighbor named Yusufiyah.

Depending on what the prompt for the paper is, the introduction paragraph should start out broadly, then whittling down, like a funnel, to the narrow thesis statement itself. The thesis should tell your readers what it is exactly your paper will tell them before they read it. From this statement, I believe you will be writing about fear, as that is what I get out of this statement. We shall see.

Lieutenant Coolich interruptsWith this word you have changed the tense of your essay; you began it in past tense, and you are now in present tense. This is difficult and confusing for your readers to follow. Pick one tense and then stay with it throughout your entire essay. the silence, snapping me back into reality, with a horrifying scream of IEDDid he actually scream this? If so, it is dialogue, and should be enclosed in quotation marks with an exclamation point. .

"The next sensation I experienced was a slight pain in my spine. As the color faded away [...]"

I don't really think that your thesis is fluent with your essay because you speak of the effects of fear on individuals in your statement, yet go on to relay to your readers a story that caused fear. You lead your reader to think that you will discuss fear in a context, but then only tell the context without relating the effects of that fear into it. You need to discuss how those involved will never forget the fear in more depth. If you want to change your thesis (depending on the requirements for the assignment) you could instead change it to something discussing a situation where you felt fear, and you will have to delve further into why/how you felt that fear just a little more in the essay. Or, you can rewrite the essay to talk more about the phenomena of fear and how those affected by it don't forget it.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / AODAI - MY NATIONAL COSTUME - description paragraph [3]

A paragraph is around six to eight sentences, or however long it takes to "get the job done." This works really well; not too long, not too short. Nice work.

Undergraduate / "The day when I get my report cards" - UCF Admission essay [2]

Watch your tense; you switch back and forth between past and present tense, which creates very disrupted writing which is hard to read and follow. To remedy this, choose one tense and stick with it throughout the entire piece.

Also watch your use of contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate.

Undergraduate / My life devoted to the art of music - FSU Admissions Essay [5]

You're welcome.

Your essay is very well written. It is organized, flows well, and the transitions work easily. Your examples and reasoning are clearly stated, helping support what you are telling the board. The admissions board is looking for individuals that show an interest in the school, have taken it upon themselves prior to the admissions process to research the institution, and who exhibit strong work and personal skills and experiences. I believe your essay is one that fulfills those requirements.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Health promotion - Article Summary [4]

"Research shows that one in five elementary school and one in ten middle school students in the US is bullied. Citation: what research? Bully victims experience consequences such as sleep difficulties, bed wetting, headaches, stomach-aches, fatigue, and school related problems. Citation needed

Your essay is very clear and organized, but lacking any resources. Where did you find this information? If it is not properly cited, you run the risk of being accused of plagiarism, expulsion, or other consequences. Make sure you cite properly.

Poetry / I have to write a Poem Review (but I've never read any English poems!) [14]

Good afternoon.

I suggest beginning your reserach by doing an internet search using keywords incuding "The Garden of Eden", "poems", and "stories". This will give you a good idea as to what is already out there. You can also contact your media center specialist, as they may be able to provide you with access to resources such as peer reviewed journals whose access is restricted to campuses.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Super Size Me! - Movie reponse/ Most memorable part [3]

There is one answer: fast food. Super Size Me!

The statement immediately provokes the question inside me: Why are Americans so fat today? Is this your answer to the first prompt? If so, make sure that it is enclosed in a complete sentence so that there is no confusion as to whether it is your answer or not.

Because they were easier and more convenient tovisit, cheaper, and faster than normal restaurant...

... "If you are six feet high, 180 pounds, and you are getting over 2800 calories a day, you will gain more weight soon."

... and some tiny pieces of potatoes could change a lot of things inside me.

Your conclusion is OK, but because the rest of your essay is so strong it makes the ending weak. Use a specific instance from the movie in your conclusion that could illustrate your closing points, if possible, as this would be more "in line" with the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / "mathematics affinity" - FSU essay on values Vires, Artes, Mores [2]

The Florida State University motto "Vires, Artes, Mores," challenges students to have strength, skill, and character.

Nice job; you touch upon all three briefly and the paragraphs still flow together nicely.

Writing Feedback / Studying through a computer or studying in school (what students prefer) [2]

Keep your head up!

"When it comes to the idea of studying methods , many people believe some more advanced ways like studying through computers are better; I personally think that it is better to study traditionally - in school with friends.

The most important factor that influences my stance is interaction. When studying through a computer, a person usually interacts with only a single other person - his or her tutor. T

When I was frustrated because of my chemistry knowledge and the final test were coming, no one but my friends helped me to improve my knowledge, in a way that I thought is more understandable than any teachers' teaching methods. Nice example.

Secondly, I think that studying should not only include some academic subjects but also how to behave in society - the veritable society, not the virtual society like study through computer with internet. While not studying academic classes, friends can us some other useful things like how to behave properly. It is so tedious to face to face with nothing but the computer screen while the outside world is just wonderful with many great friends who can teach us how to live properly in this harsh and competitive society. We definitely cannot study the living experience without seeing the real world but by interact with some person through the computer. We all can see that this vicarious way of learning experiences is not as good as the way of real interaction.

Our world is wonderful, and it is waiting for our explorations. Just the notion of studying through the computer and not meeting any real people make me have the intermediate decision of studying in the traditional way - going to school."

You're getting better!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My parents' divorce; U Florida - MEANINGFUL CHALLENGE [3]

Good afternoon.

How will this experience influence the kind of student you will be at UF? The main focus of your essay is on your stepfather's strength, which is where a piece of the focus should be on. The largest amount of focus should be on how this event changed you and how it will effect your studies at the university.

Writing Feedback / The Obstinate Man -- Essay on knowing vs. believing and opining vs. ignoran [2]

Good afternoon.

What is the prompt for this essay? What kind of assistance are you looking for?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My life devoted to the art of music - FSU Admissions Essay [5]

Your content is good, but watch your use of contractions as they are not used in formal academic writing. Other than that, just a few corrections.

Undergraduate / "Skill or craft" ; FSU - "Vires, Artes, Mores" [3]

For several base reasons it is Artes I identify with the most. Artes, by my definition, is reaching a new plateu through the addition of a new skill.

S tarting with preschool I learned the rudimentary values of life.

Problems that used to bewilder me (Remove comma) began to line up like the pieces of an intricate puzzle.

The use of computers to manage businesses constitutes my major, m anagement of i nformation systems. Programming, trouble shooting, and research of computers has shown me the analytical side of everyday tasks.

After challenges, losses and wins my approach to life is to find the good in each situation through the application of previous experiences." How do you find beauty in computers and the analytical side of everyday tasks?

Undergraduate / 'wheelchairs and blankets' - Common application elaboration on one of your activities [2]

Nice job. Short, to the point, not too many frivolous details.

Essays / The Jungle - animalism; Analyze the images and description [7]

Exactly. Pick out areas in the book where Jurgis was either directly or indirectly compared to, described as, or given the characteristics of the bull. Snippets at home, at the slaughterhouse, in his dealings with other people, his mannerisms, his speech, etc. Once you have the examples, you can make inferences about why Upton did this. Were the instances appropriate? Did they help explain the character better? What purpose did giving him animalistic tendencies serve? Perhaps a little bit more obvious, why did Upton choose a bovine animal to illuminate these personality traits?

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / The influence of psychology and psychoanalytic on the field of social work? [4]

Keep your audience in mind when you write a piece such as this one. Your prompt/thesis is very specific, pertaining solely to the use of this psychological practice in a certain field. Therefore, the content should be narrowed and confined to this specific ideology in this specific area. Avoid too much background information, unless your audience is completely unknowledgable about the topic; if they are and you really need to change your thesis to something broader and all-encompassing. If your audience knows much of this basic information, they will quickly become uninterested and more likely to not finish reading your piece. Also, the important information can get lost in the great sea of elementary information, making it hard to find the "point" or the really meaty parts of what you want to discuss.

Undergraduate / Shaping our lives - Common App personal Essay [4]

You're welcome.

Let's see:

I especially enjoy when the children have a show to perform for their parents. T hey come onto the stage so full of life and it is like they are unstoppable. Icannot help but feel an inner sense of accomplishment because I was part of the process that got them to that stage."

Nice work!

Undergraduate / Shaping our lives - Common App personal Essay [4]

My essays, SAT scores, and recommendations (Remove comma) will tell you nothing about what burns within me. But I can show you what does because it is what makes me run faster than I have ever run, reach farther than I have ever reached and dream deeper and bigger than the imaginations of men."

Nice work.

Essays / I need help thinking of a contradicting argumentative paragraph for this.. [2]

Good afternoon.

The point of view you are currently presenting sees these shows as being racist because they only include a few races as contestants on the show. How about presenting a side from a marketing or advertising perspective? What are the statistics on the races of the individuals who watch these types of shows? If they indicate that only one or two races frequently watch these shows, this could be a "reason" for those races to be included in the show.

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / The influence of psychology and psychoanalytic on the field of social work? [4]

Good afternoon.

This topic is one that there is much research and literature out there on. You can begin your research by doing an internet keyword search using "psychology" and "social work"; you can also search for "use of psychoanalysis in the field of social work". This will give you an idea of what has already been published on the topic.

You can also consult your academic advisor or media center specialist and they can assist you in gaining access to peer reviewed and professional journals through your institution. Access to many periodicals on this topic is restricted and can only be obtained through an academic institutiton or at a high cost (not always an option).

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com