Writing Feedback / The general picture and percentage about weight of residents who live in Charlestown in 1955 & 2015 [3]

Carol, the information in this chart is incomplete and inaccurate. It does not properly inform the reader, neither does it represent the percentages as marked in the charts. The overall presentation does not qualify itself as a reliable representation or report based upon the given chart information. In the opening summary, a number of important information is not represented. The missing information can be listed as follows:

1. Type of chart presented
2. Measurements used
3. Information represented by the measurements
4. Trending statement
5. Discussion instruction

You will not get a good score in the C&C portion as your paragraph sentences are inconsistent. You need to present at least 3 sentences consistently per paragraph. You vary from 2 -3 and that is unacceptable. It is important to have a uniform presentation that represents the type of analysis that you used to represent the chart information. The comparisons need to be on a year to year basis per paragraph in order for the analytical report to have been presented in an accurate form.

Since this is the first essay that you have posted for Task 1 in this forum, you may wish to look at the other examples here, just to get an idea of how to best represent your succeeding test essays. By the way, please make sure to include the complete prompt requirement the next time you post an essay for review so that I can offer you a more direct and relevant review of your work. What I have given you at this point is just a general review as it applies to the superficial presentation. I have not reviewed the information you presented because you did not include the original prompt and that is normally what I use as the basis for the content review of the essay.

Scholarship / Do a good dead, stand up and lead [2]

Ahmed , I believe that the first 2 paragraphs are on point in reference to the first 2 questions of the essay. However, the third response, that is where you went off the path. It doesn't really tell me why you want to give back to your community. It is at this portion of the essay that you should be discussing who the current community role models are in your area and how they have influenced your mindset and understanding of what it means to be a leader. The motivation to give back to your community should be based upon the influence of the community to develop your desire to become a future leader. It should be founded on the work of community leaders before you whose work you have come to understand and emulate in your quest to develop as a leader. Develop a more precise response to the motivation question. One that shows how your community has helped you become an amateur leader and whose potential as a future leader is related to your desire to help elevate the status of your community. At the moment, that response is vague and not really in line with the information that could be expected as a response to such a question.

Graduate / Creating the next Apple Siri - SoP for CMU MS in Language Technologies [2]

Vijender , the statement of purpose must be more professional and less personal in presentation. Your current presentation is not focused on presenting your professional qualifications for the course because you have integrated personal points of view about unrelated information into the paper. It would be best if you focus on selling yourself professionally alone in this paper because, that is the whole point if a statement of purpose.

The first paragraph must clearly indicate what plans you have for your future in this field. You did not really represent a solid reason for your desire to pursue continued education in this field. The primary motivation needs to be more than just academic in reason, it has to have a forward thinking presentation as to how such studies will help you to contribute to the development of AI Language in the future. An intention is acceptable. An intention with a course of action presented in terms of professional and academic growth with the intention becoming a reality at the end of all the academic training would be even better. Make that clear in a dedicated paragraph somewhere in the essay.

You have presented numerous projects in this essay, but not a single one shows your potential to create a breakthrough in the field. You should present your most successful projects by presenting not only what you learned from the experience, but also, how the project succeeded in doing something remarkable in the end. Reviewers will only be impressed by these projects, at this level of study, if you can prove that these have useful real world applications and that it won you some sort of recognition from your peers, professors, or mentor that you collaborated with on the project. That makes the undertaking noteworthy in the eyes of the reviewer. As a masters degree student, the purpose should be supported by real world accomplishments in the related fields. It should not merely be a listing of the classes that were of interest to you or that you took because of your interest in the field. If you did not graduate with honors and recognition in this area from your college studies, then you were merely another student who graduated. Running down the list of classes you took will not accomplish much.

Your extra curricular activities should be placed in the personal statement, so the student placement coordinator paragraph should be removed. This essay is solely about proving that your purpose is supported by your previous training and work experience.

The internship as an application developer should be further enhanced as part of your professional experience, provided the university accepts internships as work hours in a professional setting. What did you accomplish during that time? Don't focus on the description of the company, focus on selling the reviewer on the idea that you were a vital member of the internship pool at that time. Accomplishments are vital to the application.

The person you worked with from Cornell, is he giving you a recommendation letter? It is not advisable to mention names in a statement of purpose as part of your work presentation if he isn't going to do that. Normally, the reviewer will want to verify the information with the professor so, unless he specifically gave you permission to use his name, discuss the work experience only and what was accomplished during that time.

There are 2 vital components missing from your statement of purpose. The first, is your explanation as to why you chose this university to study in. Programs, mentor opportunities, or internship / work exposure are vital to this choice and must be discussed in detail. Second, what is the plan for after you graduate? How will the masters degree from the university make it easier for you to achieve these goals?

These observations, when applied to your revised essay will make it stronger, more informative, and allow you to present yourself in the strongest light to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The development of photography has changed the way people see the world. (Causal Effect Analysis) [2]

Joseph, what exactly is the point of the cause and effect essay? If you don't come up with a proper thesis statement for your opening paragraph, you won't be able to create an interesting paper. What is the cause and what is the effect(s) that will be discussed in the essay? What is your proposed discussion topic? I don't really see the point of this paper. It is just a discussion that keeps going around in circles without really presenting a clear cause or effect. You may want to outline your possible discussion topics before you proceed with the research. Figuring out what you want to discuss first, then working on how to present the discussion will also help you to find more appropriate sources for the essay. At the moment, the single reference you have doesn't have much supporting information and does not really respond to a particular need in the prompt for it to be given a highlight in this paper. Reconsider the topics for discussion, figure out how you want to present it, then outline the paper first. That is the only way you will be able to figure out what the remaining 5 sources should be for your paper.

Letters / Writing a letter of recommendation for one of my employees. [4]

The content of the letter is too broad to represent the impression of only one supervisor on the job for a particular person. That is the biggest problem that the letter has. This is also a problem that can be easily fixed by editing the content of the paper into the proper manner. First of all, you must identify yourself as a member of the company Oscar works for, the capacity that you work in at the company, a definite explanation of the time frame and work duties that you interacted with Oscar on (by the way, introduce Oscar by his full name and from that points on, address him as Mr.XXX throughout the letter). He may have started at the company when he was 16 but that does not mean that you have dealt with him since then. Honesty is the best policy in a recommendation letter. Remember, you may be asked to attest to the veracity of the letter in a verbal interview. Focus your letter only within the time frame within which you had direct physical contact or observable instances of interaction with Oscar.

Actually, this does not sound like you are writing it for Oscar, it sounds like you are writing it for yourself. After all, your name is Oscar Morales. That is something I caught on to not only because of the way that you are named after the person you are supposedly writing the letter for, but also because you covered way too much information that only a person who has intimate, instead of professional knowledge about the person, can provide. If I saw through this, imagine how the person who is going to sign off on this letter will suffer at the hands of the interviewer when he is asked to confirm this information. This is a letter that will be seen immediately as a lie by the reviewer and this could end your chances of getting a student slot at the university. The reviewers are trained to spot fake recommendation letters, so don't even try it.

Revise the letter to cover only the information I advised you to include above. That is your best bet at getting this letter confirmed as an authentic letter and also, allowing the person who will be interviewed to not be caught in a lie during a possible verification interview.

Undergraduate / "Why Cornell" Essay - Cosmology and Quantum Theory [6]

Isabella , maybe leave out the reference to the zombie cat at the start? It doesn't sound like it relates to your complex interests in Cosmology and Quantum Theory. The diamond planet sounds more interesting and related to the presentation though. You can open with that reference instead. Maybe you can add a sentence at the end that humorously explains how these interests brought you to the steps of Cornell CAS as well. That way you immediately connect your interests with the university. Now, for each reference that you present, immediately relate that to some specific department at Cornell. Don't wait till the last paragraph to make everything come together. You want to make sure that the reviewer knows some specific and related information the minute his scans your essay. That way, you have a better chance of having him thoroughly read your paper. Paragraphs 5 and 6 both start with the same word; "Likewise". Try to not create a redundancy in the presentation even though it is in 2 separate but succeeding paragraphs. Start one with "Likewise" then start the next one with , "In addition to that..." or something similar.

Graduate / My appetite for designing led me for this program - CMU Product design [2]

Yashwanth, this is not a statement of purpose. This is a personal statement. What this essay shows is the development of your interest in the field of Product Design. It does not show your purpose for an interest in higher academic learning in relation to the practice of your profession. The statement of purpose has one goal in mind, to show the progression of your career from past, to present, to future. This essay is steeped in the past and present without a career look at your future. The presentation is not relevant because you are not writing the essay based upon proper guide questions, and you are not really focused on presenting a specific topic for development as the purpose for the masters course. Don't get me wrong, there are a number of paragraphs that you can use as the platform for your revision.

I would suggest keeping paragraphs 2,3,4,5,6. However, I see that you have a number of notable projects to share in this essay so it would be in your best interest to choose the most successful project that you participated in or led, and inform the reviewer about what kind of recognition this brought to you as a student or professional. You need to only present the most impressive project because presenting multiple projects, which don't really highlight your participation or the end result of it, will promote reader boredom on the side of the reviewer.

Since you have a basis for the revision, you will need to do something pretty specific in order to create a more appropriate statement of purpose. Forget that you your purpose for enrollment is the fact that you love your job and can't get enough information about it. What the reviewer needs to know is if all this learning has any applicability in your professional life.

Tell the reviewer about your current career, how you perform in it, and why you think a masters degree is required at this point. Think about where you are at this point in time in your career. Would you say you are at a crossroad? If so, why? How will studying this course affect your near future career? Why will these studies improve your participation in the field? If yes, then how? Why did you choose this university in particular? Why do you think that this university can take you to the next level of professionalism in this line of work? These are some basic questions that could represent your purpose for studies. You should find yourself better explaining the purpose as you progress with the revision of the essay.

Undergraduate / HKU Personal Statement - Journalism [3]

Julie, your essay is indecisive and portrays a high school senior at a crossroads who has not really made up her mind about her future yet. It is one thing to be a journalist, it is another thing to be a photojournalist. Which one do you hope to be in the future? Since you keep on inserting your love for photography in the essay, you should not be focusing on developing the presentation as a potential journalist alone. I suggest that you opt to present yourself as a future photojournalist instead. That way, you can write about the stories that come with the photos that you take. The choice of profession will also make that multiple city trip with accompanying photos and interviews relevant to the presentation. This adjustment will also make the anecdote about you being called "camera girl" relevant to the overall presentation. You do not show a familiarity with the journalism program of HKU. Look into the classes in journalism and photography that you can combine into a personal photojournalism curricula. That should help you respond in a more revealing manner to the prompt requirement, as well as, inform the Admissions Tutor about the kind of curricula you will be pursuing as a student at HKU.

Writing Feedback / Urban areas have more crimes. Direct question essay. [7]

SG, this is an improvement over the last direct question practice test but you still have problems when it comes to prompt paraphrasing, sentence development, and paragraph presentations. There is a tendency for you to still present half developed sentences and improperly structured sentences. Let's get started in addressing these problems.

I always tell the students, when you paraphrase, you have to present only information contained in the original prompt. This is so that you can prove that you fully understood the prompt and have the ability to represent the original discussion in your own manner and wording. That does not include introducing information that is not included as a factual presentation in the original. Therefore, opening the essay by saying "Crime issues have been in society..." is improper and should not have been presented. A more appropriate representation would have been:

The percentage of lawlessness across the globe proves to be greater in metropolitan places rather than in the provincial locations. Some people think that this is because of the higher population in the first area when compared to the second. As such, there may not be enough police around to enforce the law in the urbanized areas. Therefore, additional foot patrols or perhaps, the addition of closed circuit cameras in strategic places can help to prevent illegal activities.

You don't just present a prompt restatement, you have to expand upon its presentation in an informative manner when creating the opening paragraph in a direct question essay. Once you become comfortable using synonyms in a proper manner, you should be able to create more informative paragraphs using impressive lexical resources.

Try to avoid using word fillers such as additionally, whereas, further, thus, and other similar words. While these are useful in adding to your word count, it does nothing to help enhance your presentation in the paragraph. Be factual and direct to the point. That way you show confidence in your written work. The word fillers are usually used as place holders while you decide upon what you really want to say. That is more acceptable in a casual essay rather than an academic one.

Make sure that your sentences always have a clear subject represented. In the following sentence, the lack of a subject creates an unclear presentation:

Even if they determined to do so, the national forces would arrest them eventually.

Who is determined?

The word "thus" is a connecting word and as such, cannot be used to start a sentence. the proper structure for the sentence in question is:

... reconsider the settlement, thus, less dense areas with a lower population in countryside resulting fewer crimes.

You are getting better at your logic and reasoning but the presentation is still flawed. More sentence structure practice tests are still in order for you. Don't worry though, you are continuously showing improvement in your work. You will be ready for the actual test soon enough.

Undergraduate / Lost in Canada - Harvard essay; unexpected situations that happened in my life [3]

Isabella, since you have already mentioned See and Skylight Club in other parts, with greater detail in other common app essays, you should avoid mentioning it again in this presentation. It is always best not to duplicate information because each essay needs to portray something new and interesting about you, regarding something new. This is a written interview and, since you would want to avoid being repetitive in an actual interview, so should you in a written essay. Specially when a written essay tends to get more redundant than a physical interview.

Now, the essay that you present is good for a creative writing class, it is not effective as an open topic essay. Truth be told, I could not decipher what unusual circumstance there was in your life in this essay. It is not really an unusual circumstance for you to get lost in the city as a tourist. The situation of worry and panic are normal when a stranger is being looked after by others in a strange country. This is not an unusual circumstance at all.

The unusual circumstance should cover something about say, some situation that could prevent your admission to Harvard as a regular student. Maybe you have the grades to qualify but lack the financial support from your parents to attend Harvard. Or, you were born with a health issue that you had to overcome or a health issue that might prevent you from becoming a regularly active student in the Harvard community. Maybe you are a social justice warrior who has some eccentricities that the Harvard community might need to adjust to or get used to. Think of something unique in terms of situations that may have an effect on your Harvard application. That is more aligned with the prompt expectations for a college application.

Undergraduate / Does My Essay Fulfill the Requirements Given: Essay Topic B Apply Texas [4]

Leslie, you the inner pessimist in your was right. You failed to properly address the task requirements. There is no identity, interest, or talent being shared here that could be of notable mention nor impression in any way. The prompt is meant to beef up your application, not tear it down. The way you wrote this essay, it is almost as if you want to lose out on an opportunity to impress the reviewer. You have successfully told the reviewer not to consider your application in the process. Why on earth would you want the reviewer to know the negatives about you instead of the positives? No reviewer in his right mind will consider this application based upon the defeatist attitude that you have presented in a very detailed form in this essay. I really don't know what possessed you to do this. I would not recommend that you submit this essay at all. That is, unless you seriously want to lose out on the student slot consideration or have your application rejected during the final round of considerations. That is, if you even get that far.

When you revise this essay and yes, by revise, I mean write a totally new essay, you will need to consider some other factors in order to properly address the prompt. Think of some achievements that you have had in the realm of the extra curricular, hobbies, or special interests for the main topic. For instance, if you want to discuss your writing talent, then connect that to some sort of recognition that you received in the past. This is your one chance to impress the reviewer with a talent, skill, or background information that is not covered by the other common app prompts. Don't squander it by presenting such a depressing essay. The tone must be hopeful and upbeat at all times. Don't depress the reviewer, he needs a pick me upper of an essay since he has to read hundreds of these per day.

Graduate / Personal Statement for LSHTM - MSc Int Health and Tropical Med [3]

Christi, your response to the first prompt is so long winded, it takes more than 50% of the page to read and it still does not properly represent the motivation that you have for your interest in this course. The autobiography that you read is useless in this presentation since it was not the major seed that planted your motivation to study infectious diseases. In fact, it is a mere afterthought in the sense of your presentation so it would be best not to present that at all. What you should be discussing, is when you were first exposed to infectious diseases. What was the situation? How did you feel at the time? What interested in the subject then? How would you like to change the course of treatment of the patients in the future? Do you have any other reason that you would like to use as part of the reasons as to why you wish to study this course? This is the motivation portion of the presentation. So be bold and discuss actual motivations beyond the autobiography. Use the information about working in the rural provincial hospital. Develop that presentation to show a clear foundation of your interest in this field, then relate it to the results of your enlightenment after attending the SA AIDS Conference.

The reasons you have for applying to the school are very vague. So vague that even after repeated readings, I have not yet uncovered the reason why you chose this university in particular. There is no deep sense of connection between you and the university offerings or capabilities to train the students except the shallow and narrow focus that you present. We need you to go deeper into the presentation. Show a familiarity with the course curriculum, the professors, or even the training programs. Something that shows the reviewer that you did your homework and you are prepared to do the work as required of the masters degree students at the university.

When you discuss your career objectives. You must first present the information about what your future career plans are. After you explain your plans, that is the only time when you can add information about how the training you will receive at the university will help you achieve these career goals. Don't discuss in terms of what you hope to learn and how you hope to apply it. Instead, tell the reviewer what the plans are for your future, and how the training assures you of successfully dealing with the plans that you have. It is not a case of "I will be" but rather "I am going to", the latter being a statement of conviction and belief in oneself in relation to your chosen masters major.

Scholarship / NTU scholarship essay: Write a short essay on a subject of personal importance to you (class) [3]

Tran, while I can understand why you would consider the class an important thing in your life, it does not offer the reviewer an insight into why this subject is important. Everything that you discuss is based on a collective achievement and the leadership of someone else. Therefore, the personal importance aspect of the story disappears. What you should be sharing in this essay is a topic that covers one of the following:

1. Personal principle development
2. Sense of worth ethic
3. Importance of free will
4. Your ability to make personal decisions
5. Other related topics

The choices above are the "personal importance" topics that best showcase the requirement of the essay, which is to introduce your beliefs about life, society, or social justice in a manner that is connected with your personal development. While this essay does indicate a topic of importance, it is a collective, instead of individual importance that is presented and as such, weakens your discussion points.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE (SOP) FOR MS IN CS - PASSION IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE [2]

@impatient101 It would be better if you reverse the presentation of your essay to align with the numbered prompt representations. The numbered prompts indicate the order in which the reviewer expects to read the information so it will facilitate the writing and reading of your presented information. You can do away with the presentation about the cultural expectations of women in Nepal since it does not coincide with any prompt requirements. Just keep the essay focused on the 3 required elements for discussion.

Your area of research is not really specific. It feels like you do not have a real research goal in mind since you are indicating the various applications of Deep Learning rather than its specific application as you have it in mind. Think outside of the box. Imagine where you could go based upon your current and soon to be added knowledge. Think of how you see Deep Learning being applied in the future within your line of work and then use that to portray your research goal. What do you think you need to learn in order to make that goal a reality? Discuss that in the paragraph as clearly as you can.

As for your future academic plans, you really present that in a developed manner in the essay. However, the career plans are incomplete. Try to think of where you see your career headed immediately upon graduation. After that, think one or two years down the line, imagining how successful you will already be by then and then relate that you your description of your PhD study requirements. That will make your future plans presentation more interesting.

With regards to your previous education, training, and work experience, all I read about is the academic preparation. If the university will consider an internship as part of your professional experience, then you should make sure to present that in order to prove that you have the proper training and relevant work experience in the field. right now, I cannot say that you are really prepared, with a solid academic foundation to complete these studies because you can only defend the academic preparation and nothing more.

Graduate / My interest in marketing. Personal Statement for applying a marketing master programme [3]

徐嘉莹 , you have included information in this essay about political science and how it ignited your interest in marketing. However, there is nothing in your presented information that tells me that the two different fields are actually related in terms of your career goals. In order to create a more solid personal statement, you need to inform the reviewer if you are in the process of changing career fields at the moment and if you are moving from politics to marketing, explain what motivated this change in your career plans.

An accurate experience plan presentation should not involve academic situations such as food festivals and Girl's Day. It should only involve company internships where you can prove that you contributed significantly to the success of a project. In your company internship presentation, you depict how you work with a team, but don't really highlight an individual contribution that received some sort of thanks or accolade from your team leader or company supervisor. That is extremely important to the proof that you have the professional foundation for this course. Try to revise your presentation to showcase something similar instead.

With regards to what you can contribute to the class, try to discuss a little more about how your political background will enhance the marketing discussion. This is your chance to prove that though marketing and politics seem to make for strange bedfellows, these do have a commonality that bonds the two interests into one.

The future plans need to more solid in future application rather than what you hope to gain from your lessons in the master class. The question is about how you will apply these lessons to your future career, not what you plan to learn and apply. Talk about future career plans in a solid manner in order to show the kind of impact these studies will make on your future.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Peronal Statement - Global Market, Local Creativity Master Program [2]

Eda , The personal statement can be shortened if you focus more on the important information rather than writing an autobiography. You see, the personal statement should only signify a number of pertinent information that relates to your preparations for the masters program and also, the motivation behind it. Therefore, a large portion of the information you provided will not be useful in this essay, but will be useful in the statement of purpose. It would be best if you revise the content of your essay as follows.

1. Relate the exposure that enticed you into this field at the age of 13. Make sure to clarify that the influence of your mother and her struggles are what drove you to learn more about this field and pushed you major in this field as a college student.

2. Describe your first experience as a professional in the field. What was your most memorable experience that you would consider to be a motivating factor for you to pursue higher studies? As a business owner, what problems have you encountered in terms of globalization that you hope to overcome with this masters study? This should also help to illustrate your preparedness to take this course through previous internships and other related professional exposure.

3. Illustrate which parts of the Erasmus Mundus program appeals to you in relation to your masters choice. Discuss specific GLOCAL opportunities that you plan to take advantage of and why or how it relates to your motivation. How will these activities heighten your participation in your field? Consider networking and other business channel opportunities in your response.

4. Use the paragraph referencing how the 3 countries you will study in will help you become a better business person. Remember, always relate the reasoning back to your primary motivation. Create a secondary motivation for presentation if necessary.

5. Close the essay with your career goals. the graduation plans should be presented in the statement of purpose instead.

Undergraduate / Life-defining time. Describe the highlights of your most outstanding achievements or contributions [3]

Boon, personally, I would not recommend that you use this essay for your application because there is nothing within the 2 presentations that would be considered and outstanding achievement or contribution. These are only so-so activities that you participated in. You did not lead in the presentation of a project, or participated in something important that would showcase a particular ability or trait of yours as a person or as a student. It simply does not stand out in its presentation of information because the topics you have chosen are weak to begin with.

This type of prompt looks for information about areas of academic or non-academic participation (extra curricular) where you excel performance-wise. The first essay only talks about how you participated in a group undertaking. The second one, talks about something so early in your education that it cannot even be considered a notable event at this point. Then you under develop your discussion of the possibly notable achievements you have in terms of academics. So you cannot use either of the two topics for the prompt.

In order to write this essay properly, you need to think of a time during your academic or extra curricular activities when you were given some sort of recognition or honor for an exceptional thing that you did at the time. If you want to have a baseline for your revision, I suggest that you think about the Academic Achievement Award you received or perhaps. the best performance in modules recognition. Those are the two best bets as a response to this essay. Pick one, the one that you think is most notable and you can fully describe as a highlight in the essay.

Graduate / My motivation for attending the Embedded Computing Systems Programme [4]

Nelly, this is an extremely long essay for a motivation letter. This should not be more than 5 paragraphs long because the motivation letter is supposed to just summarize the development of your interest, and what you hope to achieve, by studying this course. As the prompt says, show that you are amply motivated to complete the course. This is best done by focusing on the reason behind your application. Think about and present the following information:

1. When did your interest start?
2. How did you pursue and continue to pursue this interest?
3. What interests you most about this field of work at the moment?
4. How do you hope to contribute to this field of work or study?
5. What motivated you to apply to this university?

I have given you 5 guide questions representing the 5 paragraphs for the motivation letter. I hope that you can use the guides in revising your essay. What you wrote is too long and combines information for a personal statement and statement of purpose, which is why it cannot be used as a motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / Many countries invest a lot of money on art or on public services and facilities. What do you think? [3]

Qi Ji, everything about this essay presentation is going to make it fail. You failed to offer a proper prompt paraphrase and you did not clearly discuss the topic points of view and personal opinion in the essay. The whole essay is confusing and does not make sense. Let me start with the first problem in your essay, the first paragraph also known as the paraphrase statement.

To start off, you should never use a slash mark to indicate a choice of words in your essay. You must be decisive and confident in your word choice so that you only use one word to describe what you mean in the essay. You lose points for being apprehensive about your word choice as that removes the academic tone and presentation of your paragraph. It is also important that you learn the true use of the opening statement, that is, to prove that you understood the topic and instructions for the discussion by stating it again for the examiner in your own words. That is not what you did in this opening statement you presented. Here is a representation of a more effective opening paraphrase:

Countries have been known to allot a large part of their budget for the promotion of artistry. However, there are a number of people who believe that the money allotted to arts should be redirected towards social needs and requirements instead. This essay will discuss this topic by presenting reasons for both points of view. I will also be offering my own opinion regarding the topic towards the end of the essay presentation.

Do not use grammar identifications such as (adj.) in the presentation. That is unnecessary. The examiner knows what to look for in terms of your word usage and presentation. That makes it look like you are lecturing the examiner, which you should not be doing since you cannot know better than the person administering the test.

There are major problems with your sentence presentation, structure, and word usage. It would be best if you do not write essays yet because the mistakes in your presentation show that you do not have even a basic control of English grammar, usage, and development. Which means that the paragraphs are not coherent, does not make sense, and is not presenting itself in a manner that the reader can understand. These are the main reasons why this essay is not going to get even close to a passing score in an actual setting. Try to develop your basic English written skills first, then try to write simple essay sentences. I hope you are not planning to take the IELTS test any time soon because this essay makes it very obvious that you are nowhere near prepared to take this all too important English test.

I will stop reviewing your essay at this point because it it pointless to show you the other mistakes when you have a serious writing problem to address first. Fix the sentence presentations first then we can move on to working on the other important errors in your write. Right now, it would be useless to do that.

Undergraduate / How my gender nonconformity molded my aspirations - FIT ADMISSIONS ESSAY [3]

Jackson , I would not change the content of your essay because your presentation of your non-conformist gender aligns perfectly with your interest in fashion and is obviously going to be the very reason that you will succeed should you be admitted to FIT as a regular student this upcoming semester. However, your essay runs a bit too long because of the unnecessary personal story presentation at the start of the essay. The first paragraph is really not required since it doesn't help to move the story forward. There is no need to introduce your previous gender confusion because you presented that more effectively and acquitted yourself perfectly in the second paragraph onward. So meeting the word requirement only requires the removal of a paragraph from the essay, without changing anything else in the presentation. This is an excellent and strong essay that should help your application immensely. If you would like to add some information, to meet the maximum word count, even though you don't have to, you may want to mention some of the classes that you took which related to fashion, art, and design since you are being asked to present evidence of your preparation for your FIT classes. Other than that, I don't see the need for you to add more information to an already perfect essay.

Research Papers / The Power of Synchronicity [2]

Michaela, the essay is very good. It is informative and gives a clear picture to the reader regarding what synchronicity and its accompanying elements are all about. However, I feel that the way you opened the presentation is not really effective because it does not point the reader towards the upcoming topic. That is why I believe that you should use the current closing paragraph as the opening paragraph because, upon reading it, I just felt that this was supposed to be the introduction to the topic and the current opening, should be the closing discussion, with some revisions made to suit a closing statement. Also, you need to revise the part of the essay that goes ". Yet, what if adding a certain lifestyle change can bring new meaning to existing." That should end with a question mark since you are posing a question to the reader. Additionally, you should not pose a question that you will not be immediately responding to after positing it.

Writing Feedback / Cyber Security being important in the world today [2]

Amber , the first half of the essay seems to contain repetitive information in succeeding paragraphs. This makes the essay less informative and boring to read. From the second paragraph where you mention the data relating to the percentage of users that use multimedia devices and social media, your next paragraph should present additional information regarding the percentage of users hacked via social media or multimedia devices. After that paragraph, you can explain how this is done in a more specific manner. For example, how is an open port in a blue tooth device exploited to steal information or spy of users? How do social media accounts get hacked so that vital information is stolen? Why is swiping a credit card or using an ATM card in an unsecured location a cybersecurity threat? There needs to be more specific information explaining how this happens and what the repercussions are so that the importance of cybersecurity can be highlighted in your report. From there, you also need to deliver paragraphs explaining how simple protection can be put into place, without focusing only on social media, but also on credit card use, wifi security, and other similar topics. Remember, social media is not the only source of hacks. So your essay needs to cover at least 2-3 of these potentially unsecure fields in order to be more applicable to the title. You may also want to revise your opening statement a bit in order to include a reference to the suggestions as to how simple precautionary measures on the part of the user can go a long way. Try to focus on explaining what and how a person becomes a cyberscurity target because your essay only focuses on explanations, but not a depiction of the typical individual target. Companies are always targets due to their client information on file, but why is a client targeted for hacking in the first place? That is the big question that your essay should also address.

Research Papers / How to show that the highlighted row is my addition to the research? [4]

Yassir, the best thing that you can do to represent your original idea in the table is to mark it with an asterisk and then attach a note at the end of the chart presentation that the asterisk marks a personal addition to the information. That is normally how such additions or revisions to an existing chart are marked in a research paper. That is the most professional manner you can use as well, using the table. Another option, would be for you to simply add that information in paragraph form after the chart. Making it clear in the discussion paragraph that you are adding to the information from the table. You could say something like:

In addition to the table information, it is important to note that
or
Additionally, information about... should be noted as well even though it is not part of the above table.

I believe that these are the best methods by which you can highlight the additional information coming from within and out of the table.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay: An Event which has Influenced You [3]

Victoria, you have 3 different subjects of personal importance to you presented in this statement. This has resulted in you only partially discussing each aspect due to the word limitation. So the reviewer doesn't learn much about you aside from what confusing information he can get about each topic in the essay. In order to strengthen this essay, you should pick the strongest and most informative topic to develop as the only story in the essay. You do not really need multiple angles in the presentation. You only need to present the most significant story and experience to the reviewer in relation to the prompt. Either you go personal (lack of friends in a new neighborhood), academic (lowered grades due to the move), or social (the people you see while riding the angkot and why that is important to your development as a person). You cannot effectively discuss all 3 in a 300 word essay.

Graduate / Essay about Duke twenty five random facts [2]

Tao, there are number of problems with your presentation that holds back this essay from being complete and informative. Let me point it out to you by number.

1. What is the relevance of the Mid-Autun festival to your birth? Does it hold a significance of any sort? You should explain that significance in order to give that trivia an important meaning and worthy of being in the list.

2. Indicate the provinces and what these 5 dialects are.
3. Change this information. It is irrelevant because the trivia is not about your father. There is no clear reason to define why the Lego towers with 3 toys are relevant to the trivia list.

4. What is the significance of getting your first skirt?
6. What is the significance of the volunteer hours? Why did you have to do this? The reason behind its importance as trivia about you is unclear.

8. Why should I be interested that you played jump-ball when you first played pool?
9. Why were you keen on cycling without hands?
14. Indicate that this is the German "language" and what level of German proficiency you have at the moment.

* Please try to replace the trivia that refers to your father. Each time you refer to your father, the trivia becomes about him instead of about you. That should not be the case. So either make the trivia about you in relation to your father or do not mention your father at all. I am sure there are other trivia that you can use about yourself in place of that.

Writing Feedback / Wealthy countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employees who are from poor areas [2]

@sfiza, in my opinion, this essay will score between a 5 and a 6 due to some problems with the essay presentation. The first problem with the essay is the opening statement. The first sentence lacks a topic reference. You tried so hard to impress the reviewer with your flowery language that you lost sight of the topic for discussion and that your presentation was not in accordance with the original prompt presentation. In reference to the original prompt presentation, you also forgot that this is not an "emotional" essay but a mere "opinion" essay. So the emotional strength of your agreement is misplaced. Here is a sample of how this prompt restatement should have gone:

There is an ongoing discussion regarding the ability of rich countries to employ talented workers from underprivileged nations. The opinion is that the rich regions should hire these working people because they are capable of accomplishing the tasks. In this essay, I will present reasons that will support my agreement with this point of view.

Your supporting paragraphs are strong, logical, but developed with faults that often prevent you from conveying the meaning of the sentence / paragraph. Try to avoid using interconnected statements though and provide individual sentences instead. The tendency will be for you to create run-on sentences in those instances and that will affect the GRA rating of your essay. Practice developing your sentences because you have a problem in structuring these in a coherent manner.

The concluding statement is also strong, but carries an "emotional" response again, which, like I said above, is unnecessary in the presentation. Overall though, you did a pretty good job. Keep writing at this level and improving your word sources and sentences so that you can gain the 7.5 score that you are aiming for. It looks like you are well on your way to doing just that.

Writing Feedback / Technology in food making. How have those inventions changed citizens life habits? [3]

Mylene, this is an essay that will fail on so many levels in an actual test due to to your unfamiliarity with the English language, the method of presenting English sentences, and the use of English vocabulary. Those are just the basic problems of your essay that does not even include that the coherence and cohesiveness of your paragraphs are so faulty, I almost felt like giving up on reading it and just slapping you with a failing grade. That said, I now have to give you an itemized scoring decision in order to show you how you can improve your work for your future practice tests.

Task Accuracy - 4 - your ideas are only partially respond to the task using difficult to understand positions and minimal detail. Since you did not provide the complete original prompt as required in this forum, I cannot assess the depth of your paraphrasing error. I however, am sure that the paraphrase is incorrect and incomplete because the discussion instruction is not properly represented in your opening paraphrase. Additionally, you have posed a question in the opening statement, which is almost an exact replica of the original question. Since you are not allowed to pose questions in the paraphrase, as that is to be given in a statement form, and you did not change the question in a significant manner, you will be scored even less by the actual examiner.

C & C - 4 - The ideas that you present are not clear enough to the reader. You lack the presentation of a coherent and cohesive paragraph because you somehow end up combining 2 mid sentences into one sentence instead of a completely presented sentence. This creates confusing presentations in the paragraphs on your part.

LR - 3 - - the essay abounds with misused English words such as "pass" (meaning to go through) instead of "past" (an event that has already happened), "chief" (meaning of highest rank or office) rather than the appropriate "chef" (trained professional cook), and other mistakes too numerous to mention here. There is a clear lack of understanding of English terms that results in a limited use of English vocabulary as well.

GRA - 4 - most of the sentences written are faulty due to the wrong term usage which ends up creating a comprehension problem for the reader. This results in a difficult to read essay that more often than not, fails to properly inform the reader.

Based on these mistakes, I have to sadly tell you that there is no way this type of writing can pass in an actual setting. However, if you continue to apply yourself in your lessons, read the dictionary in order to understand English word meanings, and try to practice English sentence development using free online sources or apps, you should begin to show improvement over time.

Graduate / I am ready to pursue a higher academic degree - Personal statement [2]

Jin, this is still an academic related presentation that relates to your statement of purpose. You were asked to avoid doing that in the original prompt and yet to somehow, accidentally repeated it when you wrote this essay. For the personal statement, you need to look only into your personal life for the development of your essay. What road did you have to travel in order to get to this point where you are ready to pursue a higher academic degree? Focus on delivering the following information:

1. Cultural challenges - is this line of work or study something that is accepted in your culture? What kind of support or non support did you get? If it was non-support, how did you overcome that challenge?

2. Geographical - If you are an incoming foreign student, explain why you want to study abroad and how you hope this can help you broaden your personal and professional horizons.

3. Financial challenge - Are you financially prepared for this course of study? If not, will you require a scholarship? What makes you think you should qualify for one?

4. Educational challenge - have you ever been faced with a difficult academic situation that might have affected your grades? Discuss that here and include how you overcame the challenge.

5. Any other challenges that you have overcome that you feel will help your application.

Your revised essay should respond to the questions I posed above in order to create a better draft response, more appropriate for the requirements of the essay. You may find yourself writing more than 500 words at the time. Don't worry about it, you can always edit it to fit the word count. You can only effectively do that though if you first, put all the necessary and relevant information into the essay.

Essays / Criminology essay - in relation to cultural goals [2]

KR, for this particular prompt, you should consider looking into the way that cultural conflicts in the country have arisen to cause violence and criminal behavior. For example, you can look into the way that the Chinese raise their children in America. There is a conflict of interest in the way that the child is raised due to the American influence on an Asian upbringing. This often causes confusion in the part of the child who seeks to gain acceptance or a unified identity by going with the wrong crowd. This in turn, creates a criminal behavior because of the inability of the person to attain either a Chinese or American identity. The same basis can also be used for the Latin Americans, Mexicans, and other ethnicity that exist in the country. However, you will need to do an in-dept research regarding the percentage of crimes in each group or a particular group, that was caused by this particular tension in the life of the person. A Google search should be able to point you in the right direction or at least, allow you to read materials that might be useful in your essay presentation.

Scholarship / Project Management Reference Letter for Chevening [2]

FI, the biggest mistake that students who write their own recommendation letters make is that they tend to overstep the boundaries of the student description, turning the letter into an obvious personal statement rather than an academic review of the applicant's abilities. The reviewers know about this trick and can spot such a letter from the first sentence written. That means, the letter is then disregarded and your total application comes into question with regards to the validity of the content of your application. Remember that when you apply, you are asked to swear that the information you will be presenting is factual, correct, and true. When a letter comes in, such as the one you wrote, all of those criteria are obviously violated and the professor will get caught in the lie that you created in the letter once he is contacted to confirm the information provided in the letter.

In order to make this letter work, you must focus the information only on the academic aspect which the professor can confirm in an interview. That means, you discuss in what capacity this professor was your academic advisor (as he cannot be your overall academic advisor in college. That does not exist. General class advisors are only available in elementary and high school levels), your GPA, your exam performance (average grade), your final project in his class and the results of that project that impressed him, and how he views your abilities in terms of meeting the demands of a masters class. You should remove the following:

1. Reference to extra curricular activities
2. Reference to your working at EPCI

The rest of the essay can be better developed to depict your abilities as a student who has the capacity to learn and has a passion for the course. That is what the professor should be discussing in the recommendation letter. That revision will make the letter sound more like your professor wrote it instead of yourself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Some universities now offer their courses on the internet so that people can study online. [2]

Yujia, your essay response is inappropriate based upon the original prompt. The discussion is clearly requesting you to create a single opinion response by giving you a choice of answers (positive OR negative). Therefore, you should have clearly depicted a clear opinion leaning towards one consideration alone. The prompt never made any room for a comparison essay so you should not have presented that as a response. Aside from that, the essay is only 4 paragraphs long when the Task 2 essay should always be a 5 paragraph response. Additionally, you must never have paragraphs numbering less than 3 -5 sentences long. These are the main reasons that your overall score will be lowered in the final consideration. Let me break this down for you now.

TA - 4 - your response diverged from the original prompt requirements. The response you delivered was not the required response and as such, could not be given a passing score. The paraphrase is one of the most important elements of the Task 2 essay and when you fail to gain a high score in this section, all the other scores will tend to suffer. There is an imperative need for you to properly assess and respond to the given task. The proper paraphrase response to this should have been similar to:

Educational institutions these days have the ability to offer online classes for the benefit of their students. This academic advancement has been met by students as either a good or bad occurrence in the academic field. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons as to why I believe that this is a positive development in the pursuit of academic learning.

The opening statement is your opportunity to fully impress upon the examiner your ability to not only understand the English language, but also showcase your English vocabulary by writing a paragraph worded so differently from the original, and yet still maintaining the original topic for discussion. That is what I have shown you in the example above.

C&C - 4 - Don't try to discuss more than one topic per paragraph so that you can fully develop your explanations. You have 3 bodies of paragraph with which to discuss 3 supporting reasons in a clear, coherent, and cohesive manner. There is no need to try and cram all of the information into one paragraph. Take your time, do it one at a time since you have the opportunity to do so. Fully utilize the 3 paragraphs in defense of your position. So the format should be:

Topic sentence + Reason 1 + Reason 2 (optional) + Example

-All the reasoning sentences must be in support of the topic sentence. A full 5 sentences will gain you the highest score possible. After the topic sentence, the remaining 3 sentences should discuss the topic and offer a clear example in support of your reasoning at the end. Do this for every reason that you wish to discuss. Use up to 3 topic sentences in a single, dedicated paragraph each.

LR - 6 - You have shown an ability to use intermediately advanced English words in your essay in a proper manner. That means your sentences are better written due to your ability to use the words you have chosen in the proper context.

GRA - 6 - Your grammar is understandable and the mistakes in sentence formation do not impede the understanding of your written work. Your essay has just the appropriate mix of simple and complex sentences.

Now, I scored your essay individually, that means per criteria, regardless of the mistake in the TA section. In the actual test though, the examiner will take note of the mistake and will have to decide on the rest of your scores using more intricate details and considerations. The essay might pass, or it might fail, depending upon the other criteria that will be considered in the end.

Undergraduate / Common App Topic A essay and Rice short answers [3]

Rachel, in the first prompt, since you are a born and bred Hustonian, you should not be telling the reviewer that you do not remember when you first heard about Rice. Rather, you should be telling him that you have known about Rice all your life, because of your situation. That is why it was a no-brainer for you to decide to attend Rice University. When you discuss what motivated you to apply at Rice, it would benefit your essay if you can consider what your potential major is, look up the related programs and training facilities, then use that to emphasize your natural decision to attend. Forget about Rice being top ranked, the reviewer already knows all about that. As for the professor you mentioned, it is best to mention his name in a general setting rather than indicating that he treated your mother. If you say that, the reviewer may assume that the professor will have written you a recommendation letter. If that is not the case, then mentioning his name in the context of a personal / professional relationship through the treatment of your mother will be useless and could adversely affect your essay if the professor is asked about you and that reference turns up a dud.

Now, with regards to the second prompt, I don't believe that you should be discussing such a serious and morose topic in this essay. The story that you told actually made the essay 90% about your grandfather instead of yourself. Why don't you try to discuss your life experiences up to this point in time instead? The idea is to introduce yourself to the reviewer through your point of view about life. It is not about what the people in your life experienced. While the story of your grandfather is interesting but sad to read, it is not what the prompt is asking you to discuss.

Essays / Much ado about nothing essay [4]

jamie, what kind of help do you require from us? Since you obviously have not written the essay yet for our review, I can almost bet that you are looking for someone to write this paper for you. Unfortunately, that is not the kind of help that we offer at this site. We only help you to perfect your already written essay, we can help you develop the essay as well. We cannot write the essay for you. It will be simple enough for you to do a Google search for the specific topics in relation to Much Ado About Nothing as you require. Read the articles then come up with your essay based upon the guidelines that your teacher has given you for the development of your paper. Good luck with developing it. Once you have written it, you can come back here to have it reviewed. We will be happy to help enhance your presentation then. We cannot help you if you do not write the essay first. There are more than ample online sources for the topic you have to write about so give it a go. You can't go wrong by trying. Specially when we are willing to help you develop the perfect paper.

Undergraduate / Write an essay about someone different from yourself who has made an impact on your life?(My friend) [6]

michelle , you have to explain about what you learned from Maria in a deeper manner. You say that you learned so much from her, and yet do not offer any examples of experiences that would support this claim. While the essay is supposed to be a narrative, it would be helped by references to specific times in your life / friendship with Maria that could help to illustrate your narrative. Don't just keep on telling the reader, you must balance the showing with the telling. Stories of how you learned things from her or adventures that the two of you had that showcase how different the two of you are and yet you still consider each other a friend would help to increase the interest in the essay. If you can illustrate the story with examples, you will slowly come to realize what Maria means to you in the sense of being a friend, a classmate, and a neighbor. Those are the considerations that can help you analyze not only what Maria means to you, but what your friendship with her also signifies.

Graduate / LSE Msc Finance essay-I want to make an impact in the financial industry [4]

Zhang, you should remove the last part of the final paragraph that speaks of your hope to be admitted into the program at this university. You are using the word count unnecessarily when you still have not clearly outlined your motivation for applying to study in this program at this university or a similar program at a different university. Personally, I believe that what is missing from the essay, in relation to the motivational aspect of the presentation, is a narrative regarding your current career status. If your parents introduced you to the world of stock and you gained an increasing interest in the field from then on, then you should depict that interest development in the essay as well. The best way to showcase the development of that interest is by informing the reviewer as to how your career has been so far. The motivation should be dictated by how well your career has been doing up to the present. What experiences have you had at work that provide evidence of required advanced knowledge on your part? Your career goals, objectives, current path, or desire to change your path is always what serves as the motivation for higher learning so you should consider how you can highlight that part in relation to the motivation response. You have more than enough word count to do so, provided you remove the part that I told you was not relevant to the essay response. Or, you can revise other parts of the essay in order to shorten these paragraphs and allow for a longer motivational discussion presentation instead.

Undergraduate / Spread the positivity! - Global UGRAD program: Why would you be a great participant? [3]

Lutfia , I have to say that this essay is fun to read, informative, and hopeful. However, it does not stand out to the reader. Specially a person who has to consider the application essays of thousands of participants to a program that is so high in value, everyone wishes to become a part of it. This essay is so generic in content that it can disappear among a pile of other application essays that say the same thing you are in this written interview. Nothing makes it stand out. So you need to find that one thing that you can focus on that will perhaps, help make this essay stand out.

If I were writing this essay, I would focus on describing how my participation can help promote this program and also, help to enhance the experience with my peers in the group. I would expand the discussion about the use of social media, the creation of an online photography journal, and an online blog that will help to introduce my experience and my new friends, cultural enlightenment, and other notable things that can happen to me during this time in an online journal. That could create a unique application slant for you because you will be discussing how you can truly help to promote the objectives of the program, the camaraderie in the group, and the way that life long bonds are created during that one semester abroad.

Try to omit the current opening paragraph about how you fell in love with America. That really sounds like overkill at the moment. Instead, discuss your hopes regarding the physical interaction you will be having with the participants and how this interaction will help you learn from them about their countries and how you hope to help them understand your own country. Think in terms of a small scale United Nations meeting and you should be able to write a better essay as well.

Scholarship / AIM SMALL, MISS SMALL - NTU SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY (MY VALUES AND BELIEFS) [4]

Benedict, if you want to lose out on the scholarship, then this is the essay that you should submit to the review committee. You have such a negative and defeatist attitude in this essay that it sounds like you are not interested in pursuing an academic degree nor do you value academic excellence. There are no admirable values or beliefs in this essay that would encourage the reviewer to consider your application as one that is worthy of a second look. Actually, after the first sentence, it isn't even worth a continued reading. This is a failure as a scholarship application essay. However, it does have one saving grace. The last paragraph is perfect for the opening statement of your revised essay. It allows you to open the new version on a hopeful note. Think of what makes you a good student and what academic accomplishments you have because of your beliefs and your admirable traits as a student. Think about what makes you special as a person, as a student, as a son. Use those traits to develop your more appropriate and revised essay. Hopefully, it will sound less like gloom and doom (as this one is) and more sunshine and silver lining in terms of presentation.

Graduate / "My mom watched Power Puff girls with me" Statement of intent SVA - Computer ART [3]

Annie, this is not a very effective statement of paper. The essay requires more emphasis on required elements and a more appropriate reference to influential points in your life. As a serious applicant, you are expected to rely on your professional experience as the basis of your interest in a masters degree in computer animation. The worst thing that you can do is reference a childhood experience in relation to Mickey Mouse and Power Puff girl cartoons that you watched with your mother. You could have simply said that a childhood fascination with cartoons led to a lifelong pursuit of animation and its ability to convey messages in a subliminal way. Somehow, you have to connect that statement with your desire to become a 3-D animator because you have not really introduced a basis for this interest nor how it connects with your current career. That is, I am assuming that you have actual work experience instead of just going from an undergraduate degree directly into a masters degree?

Anyway, a statement of purpose must indicate an actual reason for your application. As the term explains, the essay is about your purpose for study. Truth be told, there is no real professional reason indicated in this essay. You sound more like you are writing a personal statement instead of a statement of purpose. There is no motivation, no purpose, no reason for your interest in 3-D animation. There have been other students here to applied for the same masters course and have also written an SOP for it. You should read some of the samples here and pattern you SOP on their work. I think you are more focused on showing off your academic skills instead of your professional skills, which makes the essay ill effective as an SOP. Try to focus on the following when you revise the essay:

1. Present an idea as to what your current profession is, how it relates to animation, and why you feel that you need to gain a masters in 3-D animation.

2. From that presentation, define the purpose for your study. What do you hope to gain by achieving this masters degree? How will it change your career path or how do you hope to set a trail for a new 3-D animation process in the future.

3. Summarize your college experience by highlighting your awards and recognition. From what I have read, you do not have any achievements to speak of so concentrate on highlighting your participation in your final class project instead.

4. From there, discuss how your professional and academic experiences combined to set the foundation for your study in this course. Specifically, how these traits tie-in with your choice of university . Make sure that you emphasize your preparedness to attend these classes and how you hope the university can help to enhance your already existing skills through specific mentors or programs.

5. Close with a description of how you think your career will progress once you have completed this course. Where do you see your career taking you soon after you graduate? Are you looking forward to a promotion or perhaps, working at a specific animation studio?

Use the guide questions above for your revised essay. First, make sure you read the samples on this site in relation to your interest in animation. Their applications might be able to help you develop a better essay along with the guidance I provided you in your own thread.

Graduate / Personal Statement for UCL Masters Financial Risk Management - why this program and school? [3]

Joe, there are a number of problems with this essay that do not make it an effective personal statement. For starters, your responses do not really tally with the questions being asked. For example, when you are asked about why you want to study FRM at the graduate level, the response should not be theoretical, descriptive, or leading into a response as to why you chose UCL. Rather, it should explain what professional reasons you have for the study. What motivates you to study FRM at a higher level aside from these academic reasons? What work related reasons do you have? Reasons such as wishing to pursue promotions on the job or starting your own company will be more impressive than simply saying you want t build on your theoretical knowledge.

Now, I can understand why you want to study at UCL but you have not really been specific about what attracted you to the program. Try to respond in a manner that showcases the type of professional growth that you will have through the training you will receive at UCL. That means, you need to emphasize the summer placement programs and how you plan to use that to increase your professional qualifications. Everything else that you said in this essay is just word filler. It does not really tell the reviewer anything that will increase his knowledge about you in response to the listed questions. Your response to why you want to study at UCL and what attracts you to this program should be merged into one extremely strong response.

While your response to the academic and professional background is sufficient, your indication of your programming background is not. You do not really depict a familiarity with specific programming languages as indicated in the question. You have to indicate specific programs that you have used in your line of work and what other related software you have learned to use during your off time in relation to FRM.

With regards to where you would like to go with your degree, this is a response that should tie in directly with your reasons for wanting to study this course at the graduate level. Close the essay with your 5 year plan or immediate plans for your career soon after graduation. Think forward, say, six months into your future after you graduate if you cannot plan ahead by 5 years.

Scholarship / Applying for Master program in Artificial Intelligence at CC University - Motivationletter [3]

Zhenyu, this is too extensive for a motivation letter. It contains too much irrelevant and unnecessary information. It would be best for you to revise the letter for content. You do not really need to go this in-depth in your letter because the motivation letter is only supposed to present the motivation behind your desire for higher academic learning so soon after your undergraduate studies. There are parts of this letter that you can use. I suggest using the following paragraphs for the revision: The introduction paragraph (paragraph 1),5, 2,7,8 in that order. These paragraphs will comprise the revised content of your paragraph that you should work on enhancing in terms of motivational content in order to create a more relevant motivational letter. You need to feed the idea that you are motivated by something such as changing a part of this field, enhancing something related to it, or that you have an idea for something that will be a notable breakthrough in the area. The motivational letter should be the perfect introduction to your statement of purpose, which is why it should be a usable summary in 5 paragraphs only. It is only a cover letter, not an essay.