Undergraduate / Title for college application essay? [16]

Titles are Great!!

I believe you should always give a title! The title is so important because it's the first thought you convey to the reader.

:)

Undergraduate / umich short essay 2 ("the mahogany chair") [5]

I was ten. Bored, I decided to lay on the mahogany chair in my dining room. My head hung over the side of the chair, and my eyes peered straight through the grilles of the window.

I had never viewed the world this way before. It was as though I was looking down on the Pacific Ocean from space, mesmerized by the patches of blue and white of the atmosphere.

Geography made me a unique visitor. As I stared at the waves crashing against the limestone of the Twelve Apostles, I was awed at how nature painstakingly crafted such landscapes. I thought about what I had learned during my Geography lessons and how it had come alive, knowledge that visitors may not grasp the full effect just by reading snippets of information on signboards.

I like your essay, it ties in nicely at the end when you are 18. I think though, that you should go online and check out a few interesting things about the schools environmental studies, and then mention what you like about them in yur essay.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / External Influence Essay [2]

This is a very entertaining essay! You are very good at storytelling, and it makes a good read. I guess the way to improve it would be to add more reflection at the end. The story has a good moral: you cannot always expect things to go according to plan. So, how does this insight relate to your plan to go to this particular school? Give some more specific explanations in the reflection at the end! :)

Graduate / 'building new systems' - SOP for Master of Science in Software Engineering [8]

Here is some more help, for this part:

Second, by conducting research under professors, I can gain strong understanding about software engineering in advanced stage. Third , in addition to apply knowledge in research project, I would like to keep developing positive working relationships with my team members, always carry out my commitments, take responsibility to do additional tasks even I don't like.

After completing my Master's degree, I would like to help my customers to not only build new systems but also have ability to analysis existing systems in limited budget to achieve the greatest benefit.

Writing Feedback / About edgar allen poe essay [11]

The easiest thing to do might be to change the thesis to say something about why readers enjoy this kind of writing... you might take inspiration from iws.ccccd.edu/jdoleh/English%201301/Why%20We%20Crave% 20Horror%20Movies.pdf

That will help you to write about that which is significant about Poe, which is that people love his work!! And the article by King might be another good reference to use. :)

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Four Essays for Baylor Honors College [3]

Design a curriculum that gives extensive training in first aid and CPR along with advanced nutritional info and meditation techniques. Include a class in electoral science so students can understand the political process in their country, and include a course in accounting so they understand how taxes work. These are the things that people are often sent into the world without!! Just an idea.

Some people might need you to write Japanese animation because they do not know what anime is.

During my sophomore year of high school, we had a year-long independent study...

This is great, you are going to do very well!! You write like a good story-teller, leading the reader from one idea to the next.

Undergraduate / Macalester Supplement (experience in Kota Kinabalu) [14]

No, this seems just about perfect to me. It seems exactly right for the prompt. Here is a fix:

Growing up in a Chinese family, healthy eating was preached constantly at the dinner table: "Don't eat so many fried things!" my mother would demand, and she would say, " Eat your vegetables!"

I LOVE your first paragraph!! Very cool beginning.

Undergraduate / GA Tech ESSAY; "I would like to make my existence a useful one" [12]

That first sentence is still a little weak. Just change a few sentences to say things that are more specific. How about:

If I was to delay going to college for a year, I would make a practice of improving the world by (say something very specific).

(Some specific kind of service work) inspires morality and gratitude while bringing people together in a way that can never be forgotten.

Undergraduate / 'opportunity to have a technical-management background' - Columbia Univ. short essay response [3]

My dad first gave me an insight to pursuing a career in engineering. He knew that the concepts, rules and theorems of mathematics and science amazed me every day . These interests became more advanced as I pursued my college education, and I frequently challenged myself to improve my analytical and creativity skills to solve problems with ease and be a more thoughtful individual.

This is great, you are doing very well!! Your dad will be proud.

Undergraduate / georgetown walsch school essay [2]

However, unlike me, Luis will see his dream of pursuing higher education will come to a screeching halt.

This is great!! I agree with your position and hope that the admissions people will agree, too!! You are a good writer and you have a great topic here!

Don't end sentences with prepositions:

I want to take part in an immigration reform movement that would empower such people as Luis Montenegro to fulfill their dream unhindered, just as I have been empowered .

Writing Feedback / "The Great Changes" - Essay Feedback [3]

This opening part:

For most people, high school is just the next step of education. Most students havetheir close friends whom they have known since elementary school. My first day of high school entails a somewhat different story.

The beginning was boring, so I shaved off a little. Could you open with an attention-grabbing sentence that also conveys the central meaning of the essay? If you can say the central truth of the essay in the first sentence, and make it interesting... that will be even better.

Undergraduate / Currently, I have A+, Network+, and Administrator Window XP Labsim on my computer [5]

I don't know if "computer career" should be capitalized at the end, there.

This essay is very strong and clear. Just make those corrections Sean mentioned.

Undergraduate / Georgetown Essay - "Limit. Maximum. Boundary." [5]

Limit. Maximum. Boundary. Those words refer to mere illusions. The American Heritage Dictionary defines "limit" as a, "point, edge, or line beyond which something cannot proceed."

Same for "idealistic." Put the word in " " marks and then put the definition in " " marks, too.

Great concepts here, but it is a bit general. Can you tie it in more with your academic and professional aspirations? :)

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Ring...Ring... The alarm clock strikes, its five a.m, a time I know too well and the time Ioften wish would not come. I have purposely placed the alarm clock across the room so I can't hit the snooze button.(everyone does that! It's not necessary in the essay.) It is Saturday, market day for the Farmer's Market. I have worked for my family's business, selling Vietnamese food at an outdoor market, every summer since fifth grade. I work in the kitchen, slicing, wrapping, and distributing the foods into containers, and I also work as a cashier. Then I place them inside coolers to be brought to the market.

The market ends at noon, but I don't leave the kitchen until two p.m. We sell three days each week, but preparations for those days require the other four. The hectic scene of three people trying to take the orders brought sympathy from all the customers. They would help us out by having a clear idea of their orders. The quick and efficient sale was due to excellent collaboration between the customers and the sellers.

Undergraduate / Georgetown - School or summer activity most involved in - significance [4]

The friends I made through choir are people with whom I will stay in touch for the rest of my life.

This is great! Can you describe some insight you had during that experience... or better yet, an insight from that experience that has something to do with your intended course of study at Georgetown?

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

At Empire State College, I hope to be able to explore a variety of topics. My my main goal is to acquire a deep understanding of human development, experience and behavior.

How about that?

Undergraduate / An Art student's Personal Statement for UCLA's Art and Designs [5]

I also realized this is the only chance in my life to study in the America, where diverse and abundant art is being created .

This sentence is not useful:

I also believe that art and design play important roles in the society nowadays.

By doing so, I will be building a constructive and meaningful life not only for myself but also for my parents, my future family, and my society.

It is looking pretty good! Good luck!!

Undergraduate / common app short answer help ("bare room lined with mirrors") [19]

First sentence: consider changing "bare" to "empty," because it will flow better. "Bare room" almost sounds like "bar room."

Hey, this is very good! Can you connect it all to the school to which you are applying in the final paragraph?

Essays / a comparative essay between any two things [12]

Looking forward to it!

You come up with the attention getter about friendship... that is a good idea!! The thesis statement can be more interesting, too, like: without our similarities, we might not be friends, but without our differences our friendship would be less meaningful.

Or something like that.

So, write a paragraph about the similarities and one about the differences... and write about a special thought that will serve as your thesis sentence. So far, you seem to write better than you think you do!!! :)

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

I always use a title, because it is the most powerful comminucation of the whole essay. If you don't give a title, it's like a boxer not bothering to throw a punch... or something like that..

:)

Anyway, the current title is boring, so change it to something interesting, something that inspired curiosity!!

Graduate / SOP for Graduate Program in Environmental Science [3]

This first paragraph has TOO MUCH telling the reader obvious things:

The World has entered in to the 21st century; but the challenges humans are facing has been identified ages back. There is urgency of maintaining natural resource base, the concerns for the sustainable economic development and balancing our environment. Environmental Science is a broad term, incorporating various different activities. Not only it

My purpose is rooted in environmental science, because it includes the architecture of ecosystems, it explains the need of efficient use of natural resource and the impact of new technologies. The urban consumerist crowd has ...

That will be better. Try not to state the obvious, because you have to make every word count. Focus on what makes you original and especially driven to succeed.

Undergraduate / Bring on the Criticism- Common Application Essay [6]

Okay, maybe this way is better:

There comes a time in everyone 's life when they can look back and know, that's when it all started.

With italics (above) it shows that you are thinking to yourself...

It is great! The way it appears here is all one paragraph, but is it all one paragraph the way you wrote it? If so, try dividing it into two paragraphs for clarity.

Undergraduate / Pepperdine University - an application essay. [4]

Wow, I love it! the way you write is succinct and powerful. You know how to tell a story well! There are spelling errors, etc., but you have a special way of writing that makes it very good, as long as you clean up the little errors.

Now I understand that these days, distance has no meaning, and dreams and passions have no limit. If people say Mr. Dang is a living example of the resilience of the American dream, I say I will be an example of Vietnam dream one day.

environment . I desire, hanker and yearn with all my heart to learn, to explore the world in a wonderful academic environment as US unversities, especially in a friendly campus like Pepperdine's.

Undergraduate / 'surrounded by knowledge' - essay for the gates millennium [5]

We are constantly surrounded by knowledge. Everyday situations serve as an opportunity for us to learn something new. Knowledge is present both in and out of the classroom. As an active member in my community, I am constantly surrounded by opportunity to experience knowledge as well as learning.

This part, above, weakens the essay because it does not really say anything important. Maybe you should start with one interesting, reflective sentence that will capture the reader's attention.

Volunteering in my community has provided me with the opportunity to learn from almost everyone I meet .

or:

Volunteering in my community has enabled me to learn from those with whom I interact.

At the end:

These lessons from volunteering helped me to develop as a young man while giving me the tools to become a good man.

Undergraduate / My first track meet - writing about an experience. Commonapp/Stevenstech essay [7]

This is great and the ending is fine. You did a great job.

Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / 1984 / Modern Day surveillane proposal, but im an art student [4]

Wow, this gives me food for thought for the day, I'm going to have to read 1984.

The essay is great and well set up. I would twist up the last sentence in a way that gives more 'punch', and maybe add it to the paragraph above it.

Another startling oxymoron in which we can relate 1984 to modern day society is the fact that government legislation tells us that we must give up some of our own individual freedom and earnings to the state.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

Yes, it is best if you write it as though you are determined and driven, passionate about a course of study and about certain SPECIFIC resources offered by the school. Specific faculty members, organizations, classes, and so forth will make your personal statement powerful.

Undergraduate / IS it okay that me and my friend write about the same situation? [13]

Be very careful to make sure you write two different essays. Do not let it seem like one of you wrote an essay for you two to share.

Also, you might want to disclose the fact that you and a friend are writing about the same event and applying at the same time, because that will secretly intrigue the admissions officer. I know it would intrigue me! I would hope to see the other essay that goes with yours!

Writing Feedback / "rules of the game" in society - essay, opinions [7]

It is still a matter of self-consciousness and choice whether to be part of the system or not.

This (above) seems like the main idea that you are trying to convey. If you make it more specific, the whole essay will be more poignant. Revise this thesis sentence by looking at the paragraphs that follow it and re-writing it so that it is more specific but still remains well-supported by the rest of the essay.

That is the power in the thesis statement; it can determine the power of the whole essay. I hope this helps!!!

Undergraduate / Georgetown Foreign Service Essay [8]

Right here, you can use quotes to show that you are referring to the term:

"Traditional security threat " refers to high security threats such as those pertaining to national security, territorial conflict, and sovereignty. These threats are existential. "Non-traditional security (NTS) threat" refers to those that surpass conventional notions of security, which are usually confined by the country's boundary.

I agree with Sean. It will be great if you can include a thoughtful analogy to make this memorable. What deep insight did you get while writing this? Perhaps you can lead the reader to the same insight by making it your thesis.

Right now your thesis seems to be: Albeit sometimes varied classifications, the characteristics of NTS threats are in fact clear. Can you say that in a way that grabs the reader's attention? That will make the whole essay come to life.

Eliminate all that is unnecessary and make it powerful and interesting!

Essays / "Confessions of a Student" [25]

I remember my first drink. It was an experiment introduced by a friend in my senior class.

Yes, excellent. You can completely dominate the readers' attention by creating pictures in their minds. That does not mean you should fill the paper with adverbs and adjectives, but you should use some words that elicit emotions. This could be a very powerful, thoughtful paper!! Good job!

Also, I think this topic is a good choice, as long as you are inspired about it, which you seem to be!

Undergraduate / I was miraculously admitted to my first choir after being dragged to the audition by my best friend. [16]

You need a clearer opening, that sums up what the activity is that you're writing about. With a short essay like this, it helps to use a "narrative hook", a sentence at the beginning, that will interest your readers. I thought your ending was stronger than your beginning. Try adding a sentence to the beginning that mirrors your last sentence.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / USC short answer - "my sister played with Barbie" [5]

Sorry for not getting to this sooner, but it looks pretty great!

Good luck.

:)

Undergraduate / Why are you applying to GW? [I was there with my family on vacation] [5]

always wanted to live in a big city,...I love the lifestyle, the mindset, the nightlife, the music scene....honored to live so close to the people who ... I would be most excited to be near the White House... a mere 4 blocks away from what will soon...I love that the school is a city campus, ... the dorms are amazing.

This (above) kind of sounds as if you're using the school to get to the city. Can you mention your love of the city only briefly? Then focus on the schools good points, great resources, etc. You can find out all about the school, classes, professors, etc. on their website. So far, all you say about the school is that there are many different paths of study available.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Honors Essay U of Washington "unplugged" [10]

The first paragraph doesn't sum up the essay, but focuses mainly on the cell phone. If you're using the cell phone as an example at the beginning, that's fine, but you should add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph that sums up your potential experience.

As an artist I have experienced firsthand the serenity that independence from technology can bring. In using traditional media despite the faster, more convenient digital options available to me, I can not only see my piece, but perceive it physically in front of me. The feel of its texture and even the smell of the metal oxidizing in my hands bring a magnified awareness of my surroundings and a kind of psychological peace. This dimension of perception, inaccessible with the use of technology, is what allows the creation of something truly human and beautiful. This is great!!

Good luck in school.

:)

Graduate / 'building new systems' - SOP for Master of Science in Software Engineering [8]


This (above) seems unclear to me, perhaps because of my ignorance about software and stuff like that... but can you make it easier to understand? It is great that you already have experience in the field. Good luck in school, they'll be lucky to have you!

I'm trying to decide whether the last two small paragraphs should be condensed into one?

:)

Undergraduate / Geortown U. self-reflective prompt. [8]

Wow, this is awesome! Some kids write words that sound poetic but they misuse them and lose the meaning... but not you! if you are worried that it is too abstract, add one paragraph at the end to be more straightforward! You can explain it all at the end. Come right out and tell how these traits led you to choose this school or this major.

Undergraduate / "My Final Year" - refine my response essay [6]

Yes, it will be great if you can link the three topics together with a common theme that applies to all of them. Mention this theme both at the beginning and at the end, as if you are gift-wrapping the whole piece in a thesis statement. Sandwich the topics between two ideas, one in the beginning and one at the end, that express the underlying theme. Put lots of thought into it, and it will be great!!

Undergraduate / DREXEL SHORT ANSWER; I had been what others would call "the stupid kid" [5]

It was not so long ago that I learned the importance of education. I had been what others would call "the stupid kid."Now tell how your volunteering experience caused you to choose this major.I went to the hospital only a few times in my life, only one that I can remember now; Cooper University Hospital. I came upon this opportunity of going to Cooper Hospital by finding a place to volunteer for. Fortunately, my best friend's mom worked as a computer technician at Cooper, so my friend and I were easily admitted into volunteering.

Look at that question again, and focus on it as you answer. What EXACTLY caused you to choose this major... a desire to be what kind of physician and why...

What about your "qualifications?" Can you name specific qualifications and accomplishments while volunteering... or outside of your volunteer work?

Make sure they see that you are answering the prompt!!
:) Good luck.

Undergraduate / USC Essay, an external influence [3]

Great advice from Sean:

This sentence right here is very interesting:

I don't see myself as a consequence of my familial history, but rather as an intermingled person whose views and personality are the result of my surroundings.

Yes, can you revise to make it sound like you were going one direction (wanting to leave the city) but now you realized that you are a city person? That would be cool.