Scholarship / 'Art is not just about self-expression' - Questbridge Bio Essay [2]

You know Art is your passion, your niche, your abstract mind coming into play, so you take the honorable offer.

You continue to sketch innocence, smiles, and your favorite chair as a child, the rocking chair your parents got inat a garage sale and repainted to fit your preferences.

Your sketching pencil took over you ever since you first laid your fingers on the canvas.

Art is not just about self-expression, but beauty, laughter, and life.---Great sentence!

...the beauty you see in your piece when opinions are trafficking. ---I don't understand this.

I really like your ending!
Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Why Mount Holyoke?" Supplement Short Answer (Feedback) [5]

Amna,

I enjoyed reading this, it's an interesting topic and definitely an interesting story. Nothing jumps out at me as far as spelling or grammar, all i can see is in the 2nd paragraph I think "though" was meant to be "taught".

As for your other questions, you don't need to worry about it being cheesy or the joke being lame, as is it's fine. what it really comes down to for me is weather it fits WHY you're writing this. You mention admissions officers, is this being done as part of an application? If so just ask yourself what they are looking for in their students and see if this fits or if it needs to be more professional than casual. As i said I really like it as is, just take a second look and see if it needs to be restructured around what you're trying to achieve with this.

Hope this helps!!!

Essays / What are good methods for reducing footnotes? [2]

Hi there!

Without looking at anything of yours specifically, I would say you should do some research on the subject, can be as simple as a Google search, and just make sure you are doing things properly. As you have stated it, it does sound like it may be a bit excessive, but without seeing a specific example it's hard to say for sure. Don't be shy about posting the essay in question that you're working on so we can see what the issue is if any. If there is a problem, we may be able to help you with re-editing if need be. No matter how well written it may already be, there's nothing like having a fresh pair of eyes checking things out : )

Look forward to reading it! good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Creative artists should be given liberty to express themselves; like on Facebook [3]

hello,

This is a very interesting topic and a conversation that has been ongoing for quite some time. That being said, I would start with seeing if there is certain length/word count you are trying to keep to. Depending on what that is, see if you can expand on what you started with here. It seems like you are a bit conflicted as to which side of the argument you are on. weather you are trying to be one one side of the argument or stay neutral, you should try to give some examples to support your ideas. You have some interesting points, but as is they still seem a bit vague.

Keeping in line with which side of the argument you are on if any, you need a conclusion. you seem to cut yourself off suddenly while in the middle of making a point on the subject. I would say try to really narrow down the point you are trying to get across with this essay and close on that.

Hope this helps!!

Writing Feedback / Cell Phones Impact on Society - they have made communication easier [3]

Amanda,

I like the topic a lot, seems people don't want to see the negative side of it nowadays. If you wanted to expand on it a bit you could go into the sub cultures that seem to be forming around these brands and devices. Plenty of recent examples around to use as well, both positive and negative.

As for your closing, it's not bad. Maybe you could expand it into your thoughts on the matter? Or you could go into what you think the future may bring as weather you see it as a positive or negative thing? Seems to be it needs to be a bit more specific to the point you're trying to get across. Try to really nail down what you want the reader to take away from this and try to close on that point and bring the conversation to a close.

Hope that helps, good luck!!

Research Papers / 'Cloud computing' - research topics suggestions? [8]

Nadia,

You need to give us more to work with than this. Your question could be answered with a simple Google search, which you should go do on your own. Get a few topic sentences down based on what seems interesting to you in your search and maybe throw together a first draft or at least a paragraph or two for whatever specific topics you can narrow it down to. THEN, you can post what you have and people can help you with editing or EXPANDING on your ideas. Also, when you have some content to post be sure to include why your writing your research paper, is it for an assignment? an application? giving us more criteria for whats being expected of you will help people here offer more help to you. With the little you said this could expand into an interesting conversation based oin the topic, we just need to see a bit more effort on your part before we can help, thank you.

Hope this helps, look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Undergraduate / Fashion Institiute of Technology Entrance Essay [3]

Hi Kellyann,

Gave your post a quick title change just to keep it more on topic.

Right off the bat let me say it doesn't sound cliche at all. reading this makes me feel that you are really inspired to do what you love, especially the part where you mentioned drawing your image of the showroom. Making things really personal like this shows them where your inspiration comes from and shows them that this is more than a job for you, it's a dream and a way of life. Personal stories are what will make this stand out in the mind of whoever reads it. Your essay has identity now, shows there's a real person behind whats being read instaed of having to read a generic list of bullet points as to whay someone should be given what they are asking for.

good luck Kellyann!

Graduate / 'Child Labour in TV Shows inhibits a child's all round development' [2]

Monajha,

This is an interesting topic you have here, and get your point across well, but I have an idea to make a bit more of an attention grabber.

I would open with your 2nd paragraph, starting with "what is child labor?". this makes for a more on topic opening sentence and sets the tone for what you want to discuss. Then, take some of the ideas in your first paragraph and bring them back in to discuss the effects of this lifestyle on children, serving as examples to defend your argument as to why these laws need to be passed. this will make for a much stronger argument and open the door for you to maybe expand an the specifics of what kind of laws you would like to see passed. This would also help to establish a bit more of a substantial closing for your essay.

Good job so far, keep at it!

Writing Feedback / Having two phases - Information gathering & Analyzing; Approach of problem solving [3]

People use different solution methods when faced with a certain kind of problem.

My approach to solving a problem is a process having two phases.

First of all, it is important to have a complete knowledge about the problem and possible solutions .

This is a significant phase, because this way I can make sure that none of the solutions are left out.

At the second phase, knowing the probable solutions, I will write all the solutions down in a list.

After all, if I felt the need for advice from others for implementing my solution, I would ask for an aid from either one of my friends or my parents.

First, I can make sure that none of the possible solutions are neglected, and second, I have chosen the solution in a logical and scientific process.

:)

Undergraduate / "One step closer to success" - why UCF? [2]

When I visited UCF I knew it was exactly where I wanted to be after I graduate high school.---I ended the sentence here, as it was too long.

The beautiful campus caught my eye, and as I have always loved watching my friends football games, I want to be able to support the K nights by attending to every home game.

UCF will give me the opportunity to earn my bachelor's degree of design in architecture, after earning my associates at Valencia C ommunity C ollege, and I will be the first woman in my family to attend college.

Additionally, I hope to one day have my own company of design in architecture and impress people with my works of art.

No matter how hard it might get I promise I will never give up because it is my dream and I will be the first woman to attend college in my family ---You already said this.--- I know UCF will always be my companion and I will be proud to announce UCF was the reason I was able to reach my goal.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I have always stayed connected with my Indian culture' - UC Personal Essay [2]

This is not true in my case.

I was raised in the United States; I have always stayed connected with my Indian culture as well as adding parts of American culture into my life.

My Indian culture taught me why diyas (little clay pots) were lit all around the neighborhood, and that it was a festival where family got together.

As my family gathered together, I noticed one of the families did not have any diyas lit in their house.

My American culture that taught me how to be generous and kind to those who did not have the same pleasures as I have, made me to take one of the diyas from the front of our house, and walk over to give the other family.

I gave it to the little kid watching other houses being decorated and all of a sudden his face lit up with joy. This face showed me how Diwali was not just about getting rid of the negativity around us, but also spreading our love, joys, and happiness to others.

Ever since that smile the kid gave to me, each year I go...

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Whiteboards and Teddy Bears - Teacher experiences [2]

I entertained myself for years with this childish pastime, but soon enough, people were asking me what I wanted to be when I "grew up."

It seemed easy enough to just spit out the word "teacher" like a piece of dry gum, but alas, it was not nearly that easy, and being a teacher didn't seem nearly that disgusting.---This sentence seems unnecessary, and out of place.

I would constantly argue---(?) -- and patch up my little brother's wounds ...

I have since matured, and have come to a deeper realization thanks to a summer internship I held at a school for children with budding Autism, called The Crystal Academy.

Through my experiences with working for organizations that aim to educate children, I have...

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Concert Report for Les Miserables at Ellen Eccles Theater [3]

I went to see Les Miserables, the high school edition, at the Ellen Eccles Theater on September 15, 2012.

It was the last night of the performance, and I think the students did a phenomenal job.

The overall performance had good text painting.---What does this mean?

When the person actingactor was supposed to be sad, the music was sad and when the group was supposed to be happy and energetic, the music was happy and energetic.

Mostly, everything was homophonic . ---I'm not sure this is a word.

I thoroughly enjoyed the performance because there was such a good use of dynamics in the music, which made me feel the emotions that they were trying to convey.

I was sad when the music was sad, and I was happy when the music was happy.

In the finale, the chorus sang "One Day More.".

I thought it was really well done, other than the fact that I thought it draggedit seemed to drag on a little bit towards the end.

:)

Undergraduate / Univ. of Virginia Admissions: Favorite Place to get lost - Shores of San Diego [2]

The thick cloud of flakes continues to fall, covering the few treetops jutting from the earth as if trying to get a final glimpse before commencing another wintertime burial. ---You are an amazing writer!

... I carve an irrational and playful line, threading through trees, bounding from boulders, floating upon the fluffy white.---Again, I was struck by your descriptive and poignant words, sure I'd likely find nothing as beautiful to read as I edit essays all day.

Escaping to the back-country , with no designated trails, no right or wrong, and no predispositions, I can enjoy being lost.

But there in that elevated realm, that untouched playground, where bliss is abundant, there, I will always be happily lost.

Hopefully you're taking some creative writing classes, as the feedback you get will show you what a gift you have. Please nourish it.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Colombia and struggling father' - environment influenced who you are? [2]

My family's history has had a tremendous influence on the person who I am today.---I changed this a little.

My families history has had a large impact on the person who I am, because both of my parents gave up everything they had in Colombia to move to the U.S.---I ended the sentence there, as it was way too long.

They left Colombia to insure better opportunities for my younger brother and I.

My father had a struggling childhood, he didn't all the luxuries a normal child had.

He wasn't able to go college and become a dentist like he dreamed of doing.

The way my father talks about his childhood has influenced me to become confident and motivated to be someone in the world.

:)

Speeches / Dream Speech- What do you think? [3]

I have a dream....that one day this nation will grow up to realize what kind of a world we have created.

We have taken this beautiful world for granted too many times ---I think this should say, 'for too long'. --- and I say it's time that somebody stood up for what they believe in and say enough is enough!

I have a dream... that one day we will all learn to get along with each other. I hope that everyone out there suddenly realizes that no matter how intelligent or unintelligent, beautiful or ugly, slim or overweight we must all be treated the same.---you might also mention color, nationality, religious beliefs, etc.

Cause even if I take all the steps: go to college, start my climb of the corporate ladder , and maybe even become the P resident of the USA, I still can't change the world.

:)

Undergraduate / common app: elaborate on one of your activities (a summer job) [4]

You should write your essay or assignment and then send it here so we can have a look at what you have done so far. Then we'll be able to edit for you and offer advice on how to make your writing better and stronger. Good luck!

:)

Graduate / 'Impact & Collaborative Leadership' - Short-term, Long-term, Why this MBA prog? [3]

I envision myself as a change-taker in the continuously evolving...

Currently, I am an external consultant, designing strategies to optimize operations and sales efforts of pharmaceutical companies.

Eventually, I would move into a role that would allow me to design and implement business plans encompassing organic/inorganic expansion, financial sustainability and societal harmony.

While managing multiple projects, mentoring associates, engaging...

Being consistently awarded highest appraisal ratings and getting promoted much earlier than usual, I have striven to leave my mark.

My interactions with the Assistant Director (Admissions), ZZZ and a few PhD students who were present on campus that day had been extremely pleasing, and have strengthened my determination to become a part of AAA.

:)

Writing Feedback / It all began when I moved away from my life in Siberia; Life Story/ GCSE ESSAY [2]

Everyone seemed to be trying to find a fault in me.

Going to school felt like walking to my death.

I stayed out on school nights until one or two planning to miss the next day of school because I thought I had much better things to do rather than going to another hell hole.

I missed school days, causing a tremendous downfall in my grades.

My room started to become filthy as a pigsty, nothing really mattered at this point because I wasn't bothered about the meaning of life.

The once respected Rachael was now nothing more than a piece of dust.

I''m always in an ocean of problems and I'm starting to think that my life life is indeed an ocean of endless problems and disappointments.

This is very sad, and I hope it's a work of fiction!

Undergraduate / USC Supplement Essay - Statement of Intent for Annenberg School for Comm & Journalism [2]

I really like your opening paragraph!

As aforementioned, I am drawn to the media and entertainment industry primarily because of the glossy exterior of which it dons, to...

Then again, is it truly so wrong to be so enticed by such superficial - shallow, even - elements?

That said, I am also keen on photography - the ability of the camera to preserve and immortalize treasured moments has fascinated me since childhood.

You are an excellent writer! By your essay, the reader can see that you're intelligent, well spoken, creative and passionate. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / college essay; describe my experience - one word: epiphany [2]

Since I have always been interested in ways to help people, I decided to intern at the New England Baptist Hospital in Boston.

Actually, the purpose of this activity was twofold, both to use my time assisting disabled patients, and also gain some valuable experience working in a medical environment.

The patients admitted to the nurse's floor were patients in severe pain, who had just undergone orthopedic surgery.

They gave me a list of the names of the patients and their room numbers .

At the end of the my internship, I was asked to describe my experience.

I described it in one word, ' epiphany' .

It has taught that materialistic objects will never be my ambition, but motivation for me will be knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life.

:)

Undergraduate / 'strength, tradition, and the arts' - this is my essay for fsu care program [2]

For as far back as I can remember, my mother had to struggle to overcome challenges such so ...

My mother had always been a fighter and hard worker, and at times she had no money or anyone to babysit me so that she could go to school or go to work.

My father was never around long enough to help her, but she continued her journey by working hard, staying focused, and being self motivated.

Now it's my turn to put my best foot forward by accepting all opportunities that are given to me.

The summer bridge program will assist me in making major decisions and factoring out influences that could impact my future.

I believe that attending this program will benefit me in expanding my potential, both as a student and in society.

This has proven my ability to work hard, study, and stay focused while under educational pressure.

The summer bridge program will become a great asset in my life, because it would allow me to gain the experience of college while becoming focused and preparing for my freshman year.

Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / Why I deem Reed a strong match for me? [2]

From what I have learned from a current Reed student, Reed provides its students with a great learning environment , ensuring that every student exceeds in their chosen field of study.

I also greatly appreciate the fact that Reed, with its academic strengths and research opportunities, not only enriches its students' learning experience, but also gears them towards contributing to the research and solving of global concerns.

With its tradition of being a liberal arts college, Reed will offer me a well-rounded education and enable me to expand my thought process. F urthermore Reed's commitment to diversity on campus will help me to appreciate and better understand other people's way of life.---Don't forget to always leave a space between sentences.

These reasons prove to me that Emory ---You wrote 'Reed' all the other times, so should stick to it. ---is indeed a great choice for me.

:)

Graduate / 'I have relocated to India from USA' - Essay for ISB [2]

My motivation to pursue further education by pursuing PGMAX programme has been influenced by a number of reasons and compelling factors,likesuch as professional development and networking.

In early 2010, I have relocated to India from USA to setup an IDC office in Chandigarh, and I did achieved my goal successfully.

Currently, I am heading the Operation and Finance department at Edifecs IDC.

Nevertheless, I feel that my current position does not satisfy my ambitions and inspiration to reach at "C: level executive.

I believe this is the perfect time for me to start PGMAX program with ISB.

It's clear that the PGPMAX course will give me a unique experience to study in, specially designed for the business education environment.

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / US Naval Academy congressional nomination interest essay [2]

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.",That is the ultimate service of sacrifice.

My father, an army veteran, was the genesis of my interest towardsin the Naval Academy.

He never cared if I learned the strategies employed by Sun Tzu or the different wars and conflicts throughout history, rather, he only wanted me...

...by my pursuit of honor, shows my potential to become one of those exclusive members of our nation.

Acceptance into the United States Naval Academy would not only allow me to grow as a servant of man, but would also guide me forward in my unselfish service and devotion to the welfare of others.

Good luck!!

:)

Essays / Prejudice in 'The Merchant of Venice'? [4]

Well never having read it, I don't know. Your job is to read it and write the essay, and our job is to help you tighten up the essay and make it as great as we can! If the topic of your essay is prejudice, you could begin by writing something like 'In the Merchant of Venice, there are quite a few examples of prejudice, which take many forms. For instance, when the main character..."

Read it first, then see what you can come up with. Then send it back here for help. You don't even have to finish it first, just begin and we'll have a look.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Dieting - a billion dollar market' - ielts [5]

vignesh,

I like your essay, can see some spots where it might benefit from some editing or re-structuring but nothing major.

First, you may want to change up your first few sentences. They all start with the word "Dieting" which can make it seem like you're just listing bullet points instead of writing a paragraph.

I has been said that dieting can be...just an example for a opening sentence revision.

Also, give it a read through and double check your grammar, noticing a few small things here and there...

take a lions share of price should be of the price

Due to the fact that number of dieting...omit fact that

Opting for a wrong diet program....use "the" instead of "a"

just a few examples, a few small changes and it should be fine

best of luck!!

Book Reports / Literary Analysis Essay on Mama in "Everyday Use" [2]

hello,

To start, you should Google "literary analysis" to get information on what you really need to accomplish here. Yes, this is mostly a summary, but you still have something to start with here. One of the points you may find in your search is to re-read the passage with a particular question or questions in mind.

You asked a question with "why does mama change" etc. and gave an answer to the question but you could expand on it further, citing specific examples from the story that support your answer. Otherwise it seems like you're just summarizing the ending of the story.

Also, you need to watch your grammar and punctuation. Since this was just a few sentences I'll give it a quick edit.

In "Everyday Use," Maggie is surprised at how her mom changed toward her sister Dee. Why does mama change at the end of the story and gives the quilts to Maggie? Mama realized that Dee doesn't appreciate her heritage, she just wants everything nice and fancy. Dee requested the dasher, churn top, and the quilts from her mom so that she can display them and show other people her roots. Mama also realized that Maggie is the one who truly understands and appreciates her heritage. Mama would rather have Maggie using the quilts in everyday life, instead of them being hung up for display.

More could be changed, but I wanted you to at least see what i mean.

Hope this helps!!

Undergraduate / 'Mid-Ohio Food Bank' - Common App- Evaluate a significant experience- Volunteering [2]

Hello Heather,

I like your essay but there may some spots where things can be improved. In particular I want to look at your opening statement. I feel your sentence structure may need to be re-worked a bit to make it more engaging and make your sentences drag on a bit less.

I have spent many early Saturday mornings slicing open boxes, stocking shelves etc.

then with your next sentence....These are things most people would shy away from but for me....

A strong opening is important, as well as making sure you don't over complicate what you are trying to say. For example, changing "I was experiencing" to "I experienced". Small changes, but they can make a big difference.

Also, try to keep everything to the same tense.

My opportunity to be a regular volunteer at the Mid-Ohio Food Bank has allowed....this can be cut down to Regularly volunteering at the Mid-Ohio food Bank allowed....Just another example.

Hope this helps, overall it's still good, just needs a slight edit and you'll be good to go

Good luck!!

Graduate / 'Becomeing a university professor' - personal statement for PhD Economics [7]

Hello Victor,

I deleted your other post, while it was in a different thread it will still a duplicate post.

As for your writing, this is fantastic. I've gone over it a few times and nothing stands out to me. Your opening is engaging, none of the ideas you're trying to get across are to over complicated or dragged out, it's just really well done.

the only thing that you may to consider reviving ( and a minor thing at that) is the 5th paragraph starting with "Several key factors". Maybe lead into what those key factors are a differently, opening your next sentence with "such as" etc.

again just a small thing, everything looks really good otherwise.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Grew up in both Little Haiti and Biscayne Blvd. College application essay [3]

Chelcie,

Made a quick title change to your post, just helps it stand out from the crowd a bit.

I would also like to make a suggestion with your opening statement...

Miami is my hometown. I grew up in both Little Haiti and Biscayne Blvd. Those are two mini towns in Miami. I grew up being use to the sounds of gun shots, watching people argue about pointless situations, watching drug addicts, beg people for loose change and watched people build mini stores in their homes. I've also witnessed violent fights and crucial arrestments. Situations like those usually influence people to want to do either or of those things, but its influence me to want to achieve superior goals prior to that.

Often times with opening statements, omitting things can actually make your content stronger and more interesting. by opening with I grew up to the sound of gunshots it makes it instantly engaging and pulls the reader in.

Overall the rest of it seems fine. I really liked reading your story. Despite all you describe going through It was nice to see that you were still able to be positive about it in the end.

Letters / MSc. Student Cover Letter for an internship application [3]

HI Razafindralambo,

I like the cover letter, it needs very little since the content is great but there are some things that could benefit from some small edits.

I am actually...omit actually. you ARE a 2nd year etc. etc.

as a compulsory part...omit compulsory. It makes it sound like you're only applying because you need to, not because you want to (which may be the case, but they don't need to know that :) )

involved in making research...this can simply be "involved in research" etc. Try not to over complicate simple ideas, there are other places where things can be simplified down a bit as well.

In your closing, you may want to change "opportunity" to something else so that it doesn't repeat itself. possibly restructure the paragraph to "I look forward to discussing available opportunities with you and can provide further information if needed. I thank you for your time and consideration." just an example, your call.

Those are just a few small things that jumped out at me, like i said this is already very well done as is.

Hope this helps!!

Letters / Cover Letter to enter UN YPP Examination (Information System and Technology) [4]

Hello Jayaditya,

Took a look at your letter, I think it's very good as is but I see some things that you may be able to change around to make it better.

Since this is something being written in the hopes of getting a job you want to build interest in your content right of the bat and try to hold that interest so that they remember you long after they finish reading. Likely you are one of many applicants so you need to set yourself apart from the rest.

I am confident that I fit the profile of...this to me should be where you jump right into your qualifications, show them why they should hire you as early on as possible. Most likely this will just be skimmed over so you need to grab there attention IMMEDIATELY so that they want to keep reading.

keeping in line with the idea that it will be skimmed through you may want to simplify some of the spots where you might be overcomplicated things. Evidence of my programming skills can be seen....things like this should be shortened to whats needed so that the content is still there, but it isn't a longer read than it needs to be.

hope this response didn't come too late for you, good luck!!

Undergraduate / College App essay - flute playing - critique needed [2]

Katelyn,

This is a really well done, well written essay. On a quick read through nothings jumping out at me as far as any spelling or grammar errors.

While it is a very nice story, the last sentence about what the assignment is may need more attention. It seems you briefly touch on these ideas at the end with what music has taught you but it think it could be expanded further to cover the themes they seem to be looking for. Rather than listing off things like persistence, discipline etc. maybe you could expand your closing to give more specific examples of these things and or examples on the themes mentioned like academic integrity. I would consider expanding your closing to fit more content about these things and possibly your goals further down the line of other thing you want to achieve through music. Basically, you're trying to steer the content of your writing towards the specific program you're applying for.

good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Say cheese!" The flash of the camera [7]

Danielle,

Made a quick title change to something less generic, helps your post stand out more.

Let me just say first that this is very well written and I love how descriptive you are with your writing, It really helps put the reader there in the situation you're describing.

I don't see any issues with spelling or grammar on a first read through so I would focus mostly on looking at where you could re-structure things a bit or omit some unnecessary content. just a few minor things (and i do mean minor)...

"I was one of 1,500 identically dressed teenagers in a cap and long, forest green gown"- I was one of 1500 teenagers dressed in caps and long forest green gowns. (just a simple restructure)

"I felt a time" was that meant to be "I felt AT THAT time"? that one stood out to me, not sure about it.

Again, just some minor things. Also, I liked where you talked about your passion for poetry, nice to see so much ambition.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / General Personal Statement for addmissions and scholarships. [4]

Tim,

A few things. Your opening sentence is great and definitely draws attention to your writing. However, i would make it gender neutral, changing "men" to "people".

Next, I think there are some spots were you have some good and interesting things to say, but you could maybe dress them up a bit to keep things as interesting as they can be. some editing suggestions-

For years I kept both my mind and my eyes shut = For years I went through life with my mind closed and my vision narrowed.

After "significant factor in my life" end on a period, then add "I felt" to open the next sentence.

In your last paragraph, it seems like your setting up for a really good, strong closing so i would keep with that idea and expand on some things. try to be a bit more descriptive with your ideas about the mind. I found it interesting to read but that makes me wish there was a bit more of it.

For your closing paragraph, I like that you start to bring it towards a positive note near the end and i would go with that. Maybe expand on your future goals and how you are/will progress towards them? I think ending on I high note will make for a very fulfilling reading experience.

"That day never came". I liked that, really drove home the idea of how rough things were.

Hope this helps, good luck!!

Scholarship / Scholarship for Master Studies in Germany for profesionals from developing countries [5]

Back in Argentina, in 2006, I was selected by ACN Consulting to take part in a new project, the opening of a Global Finance Service Center in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

I had to deal regularly with unexpected situations, thiswhich definitely enhanced my flexibility and my adaptation skills.

It is my personal mission to work in pursuit of sustainable development and the optimization of resources in my country, as the only way to achieve long-term economic growth.

...to Argentina to work at an international organization, such as the Inter American Development Bank, the World Bank, or in the local government.

Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'learning, caring and global awareness' effectiveness of my Florida State Admissions [2]

Because of this attitude, leaders attract like minded people who support ideas and movements, and from these people, positive activities and attributes...

At the conference, nerves were extremely frayed and competitors were quite nervous.---I changed one of the words so it wouldn't sound repetitive.

Because of this,I a few of us took the initiative to organize some strategic meetings in which we explained the importance of keeping your nerves in check when presenting on such a large scale.

On a football team, success is impossible without strong leadership.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'will be relocating to Perth' - My IELTS essay general training [2]

As you know, I will be relocating to Perth in 4 weeks time, and I have some furniture I want to sell, as I my new house in Perth is fully furnished.

I have several pieces of furniture I wanted to sell, such as---no comma here--- my desk and dining table.

All of the furniture is in good condition, especially the dining table, it comes with six dining chairsand with cushions on them but I rarely use it because most of the time I eat in my room.

Apart from that, the desk in my room is big enough to fit 2 of your 24 inch monitors and still have ample space to study, but there is some minor cosmetic wear at the edge of the desk because it is beside the wall.

:)

Writing Feedback / student income over a ten year period ielts writing task 1 [2]

There was a 50% decrease in parental contribution which fell down from 32% in 1988/89 to 16% in 1998/99.

Student income from grants were constant between 1988/89 to 1992/93 at 38%.

After that, there was a decrease in grants which fell down to 23% in 1995/96 and went down again to 14% in 1998/99.

During this period there was a growth in student earnings which went up from 6% 1988/89 and reached to a peak of 12% in 1998/99.

:)