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Posts by EF_Simone
Name: Writer
Joined: May 19, 2009
Last Post: Oct 4, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 1975  
From: USA

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EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'high-energy, loud, and crazy / ambicious person' - NCSSM Application [7]

As you can see, only your user name is attached to your posting. If you want to be completely anonymous, make sure that your real name is not listed on the information about you as a user. But then, of course, you lose the ability to prove that you are the author of the work, should that ever come into question.
EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "In my hands, I held a jar of flames" (U of I admission essay) [8]

not enough time talking about what I want to do with them at U of I.

Right. Your introduction is lovely, but you do not spend enough time on what you want to do now. Pare down the introductory narrative to make room for another sentence on that.
EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Sorry, the whole point of the essay forum is that it is a forum -- an open place where all can learn from each other. The price of the free feedback you get is that the process of getting the feedback is visible to all. To get private professional help on an essay, one generally needs to pay for the service.
EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Essays / "Sex House vs. Internet Sex" - Help with an Essay [4]

Get written instructions from your teacher. "Sex house vs internet pornography" makes no sense unless, by "sex house" you mean brothel, which the Playboy mansion is not. Even with that change, what sort of versus are we talking about here? You've got this classed as an admission essay. That can't be right! Is this an essay for a class? What class? What, exactly, are you supposed to be comparing?
EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Book Reports / Jeffersons character in A Lesson Before Dying [2]

For what purpose have you written this? What have you been asked to produce? I ask because you jump right into a synopsis of the plot and then give a brief response. If you've just been asked to give a response, that's fine, but if this is supposed to be an essay, then you will need an introduction and conclusion, along with a clear thesis (main point).
EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Preparation Produces Opportunity" (A quote and how it relates to your life) [3]

I don't want to start a new topic and clutter up the message board.

I merged the threads: Forum policy is one thread per essay.

I tried to avoid it in this new one. Key word is TRIED = P

Good job, but I still see:

It is unarguable that you must be prepared to seize an opportunity and the immense impact it has had on my life.

Besides the unfortunate "it is unarguable that..." this sentence goes complete astray midway, ultimately making no sense at all. Perhaps you inadvertently merged two sentences?
EF_Simone   
Sep 24, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Structure is not as difficult as writing. [6]

Oh, but this is a very dangerous thing to do unless you take the extra step of looking the new word up in a dictionary and reviewing all of its meanings, to be sure you are choosing an appropriate synonym for what you want to say. I would say that use of the online thesaurus (and online translators) is the chief cause of English language students writing sentences that make no sense or sound very strange. A thesaurus lists all possible synonyms, including those that have quite specific or narrow applications. Never use a word that you have found in the thesaurus unless you are absolutely sure of its meaning.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Essays / Political Science Essay Question - formulating a thesis [6]

how greed overcame the goal of helping the public good

The problem I see with this thesis is that there is no evidence that those whose greed was responsible ever had the goal of helping the public good. These were for-profit corporations with the aim of making profits, not benefiting the public. Their officers had a fiduciary responsibility to serve the interests of the corporations, which -- again -- was making a profit, not serving the public. You can argue that they made unwise decisions in pursuit of profit, favoring short-term over long-term growth, etc. But you can't argue that "the goal of helping the public good" was overcome when there is no evidence that such a goal ever existed in the hearts or minds of those responsible.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / 'discussion in Indian parliament' Teens have paid jobs during studying? (Toefl) [8]

Work on articles and plurals. Watch out for homonyms.

There was a discussion in the Indian parliament about whether or not students or teenagers should be allowed to hold jobs while studying.

Some delegates gave opinions(or an opinion in its favour, as they think that holding jobs while studying will give students better financial status to afford their studies .
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Not sure if this essay can be used for this prompt so.. let me know! (: [5]

I know a lot you read my Bittersweet Scar essay, and I was wondering if that essay can be used for intrapersonal intelligence.

I don't advise recycling that or any other essay for that prompt. The prompt asks you to choose one of Gardner's types of intelligence and then give a few examples of your strengths and/or weaknesses in that area. I'd advise writing an essay especially for that prompt, beginning with the concept of multiple intelligences, focusing in on your intelligence of choice, and then explicitly discussing your strengths and weaknesses in that area, drawing on multiple examples.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Essays / Philisophical Essay Topic? Would it be appropriate? [8]

The question is whether your friend is able to engage these philosophical ideas intelligently, in a manner that demonstrates his personality as well as his outlook. Sometimes high school students think that their ideas are much more clever and original than they actually are. They try to show off by arguing what are actually quite juvenile ideas, looking worse than they would have if they had stuck to a more conventional topic. The only way for us to tell whether it would be well-advised for your friend to put forward his philosophical ideas would be for us to see those ideas.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Student Talk / How could this happen? (transferring problem) [4]

No, you have misunderstood. If your GPA is too low, then your personal essay will not be seen because they will not even consider your application. If and only if your GPA and other credentials are in order, your application will move on to the second phase, where your personal essay will be read.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic [14]

Unexpected. Tragic. Heart-breaking.

Unexpected, tragic, and heart-breaking.

The original was stronger. You've got a sentence fragment either way, so you might as well go for maximum impact and stay with the original.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Graduate / 'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay [5]

I have often driven pass University of Chicago on numerous occasions and thought about how I would fit in at the Pritzker School of Medicine, which has a reputation for being a school that has trained many world renowned physicians of different fields of medicine.

I assume you mean "driven past."
"Often" and "on numerous occasions" are redundant: choose one.
"In" not "of" different fields of medicine.

One mutual endeavor possessed by Pritzker and I, is the desire to serve the community.

A "mutual endeavor" is something that two or more people do together. You and Pritzker have not done anything together yet. Furthermore, one cannot "possess" an endeavor. Also, an endeavor is an activity while a desire is an emotion.

From just these two sentences, we can see that indeed this essay is very rough. You will need to significantly improve your the coherence of your prose if you hope to get into any medical school. Think about what you are saying. Look back at a sentence after you have written it and ask: Does this make sense?

Is it better to have less word or should I try to get as close to the word count stated as possible. 3500

In general, it is better to use as few words as necessary to make one's points. However, in a medical school application, you will want to say as much as possible. Many of the things that you refer to only briefly here -- such as working at the free clinic -- ought to be the subject of several detailed sentences.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'diverse curriculum' - evergreen supplement [2]

You have the rudiments of a good essay here, but you will need to organize them into a coherent essay with a clear theme that is stated in the introduction and restated in the conclusion.

I believe Evergreen will encourage me to stay culturally diverse because your programs offer unique classes that I have not seen before.

This doesn't quite work. Generally, we use "diversity" to mean diversity within a community. Individuals are not diverse -- that would actually be a contradiction in terms. So, what you are trying to stay here is that you believe that Evergreen would encourage you to expand the diversity of cultures to which you expose yourself or, perhaps, continue to value and contribute to diversity.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Writer's Duty (Faulkner's Nobel Prize Speech and Dillard) [3]

The sense of this essay is inhibited by grammatical errors at the most basic level, such as omitting articles, using the singular form when the plural is needed, or leaving sentences incomplete.

By writing, you have to have the patient to

I suppose you mean "patience." The patience to do what?

Writing has many reasons or duty for writing any type of genre.

"Duty" should be "duties" to match "reasons" but this still doesn't make sense. Writing has duties and reasons for writing? How can an action have a duty? "Any type of genre" is tacked on at the end, further confusing the meaning.

A writer's duty is to convey his or her message to the audience.

Later in the paragraph, you do state your thesis more clearly. That thesis seems to be: The writer's duty is not to give up; Annie Dillard didn't give up; therefore, Annie Dillard fulfilled the writer's duty. That seems awfully simple to me, but perhaps it is acceptable.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / SOME PEOPLE HELP THEIR COMMUNITY DIRECTLY AND SOME THROUGH ORGANISATIONS,DISCUSS [3]

This essay is very short, although it does contain some good arguments. You will need, for a TOEFL or IELTS essay, to say more.

Also, you must fix your punctuation! You must place a space after every punctuation mark (except for leading quotation marks) as I have done here and in every note I have written you.

Now a days, Helping other people are becoming viable and style and mod to popularity these days.

"Nowadays" (note spelling) and "these days" mean the same thing; you should not use both in the same sentence. Furthermore, neither is needed here, since people have always helped others in their community. Finally, this sentence is nonsensical, even if grammatical corrections are made. "Are" should be "is," but "style and mod to popularity" makes no sense at all.
EF_Simone   
Sep 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay! [10]

if you dont know how a luger shoots and cant follow my description, look up a video of it on youtube

Hmmm... The whole point of writing is to describe it so that others can follow. This preface does not bode well for the essay. Will you also suggest that the admissions committee "look it up on youtube" if they cannot follow you?

I think i might of changed tenses a couple times, so catch the past tense if you can!

Yes, you do slip out of present tense and into past tense at one point in the narrative. What I'm going to suggest is that you put the whole thing in the past tense. Use of present tense to describe a past event is a literary device that is difficult to pull off and not always appropriate. In this instance, use of the present tense for what was a past event tires the reader. Why? Because it's a long, detailed explanation. Use of the present tense preps the reader for a short, dramatic story. The reader is waiting, waiting, waiting for the drama that never comes. Simply put: This happened in the past. Use past tense!
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / the parallels of " The world on the Turtles back" and "The Genesis" [3]

Might the authors of these tales (who, in the case of Genesis, we know to be male) also be trying to get a message across about women? Perhaps a political message such as disguised as spirituality? Might there be other political messages embedded in these stories?

These are just some questions for further thought. As Sean said: Great job.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / President Bush's September llth Address to the Nation [7]

Really? I thought that religion is appealing to reason because the quote from the Psalm would remind Christians that they have nothing to fear since God is with them.

It's hard not to feel despair when reading this.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "Guys stop it!"; FSU ESSAY; helping and making an impact on others lives [10]

Hmm... You want an unvarnished response? You don't come off as particularly likable in this essay. It's one thing to say "guys, stop it" because you can't bear fighting, quite another to set yourself up as the judge (a position of superiority) who will decide (rather than mediate) the dispute. Similarly, it's one thing to respond generously to a request for help, quite another to meddle in a classmate's work, taking it upon yourself to decide that she or he needs your help. People need to puzzle out math problems and literary passages on their own and may or may not like it if a self-appointed tutor steps in.

Maybe others will feel differently, but I feel you should revise considerably, choosing a focus other than "I'm so helpful" as your theme.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Bambi and George Bush (Common App admissions essay) [6]

Personally, I love this essay. Or, rather, I love the idea of this essay. You've got a way to go to get it into shape. And you will need to do that, because you are taking a risk -- but a good one, I think -- by choosing this person and organizing the essay as you do.

Here's what you need to do: Tighten up that first paragraph, getting rid of phrases such as "since my emergence I have aged" (which of course everybody does, so there's no need to say it) in order to focus on your theme of loss of innocence.

Next, you need to add some supporting evidence to your next paragraph. At the behest of business interests, George Bush rolled back some 300 (or so) environmental protections within his first six months of office. That's the kind of fact you'll need to toss into that section so that your image of Bambi dying for men in suits. Also, it's good that you write with feeling, but be sure to match that feeling with logic, since defenders of animals are always portrayed as overly emotional.

I'm sure that others will be jumping in with various views. Let's see a revision after you've digested the responses.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Works of Salinger (CommonApp main essay for Sarah Lawrence College) [4]

Does this essay demonstrate that you are unique? Yes and no. Many, many young people identify with Catcher in the Rye. Some go on to read other of Salinger's works and find them useful. But few do so after having meditated on Mount Emei. What I think you need to do, in terms of substance, is tie together what you read in Nine Stories with the Buddhist principle of non-attachment. This will bring together the two threads of your story while demonstrating your ability for advanced thinking. Once you've done that, we can work on grammar and punctuation.

But please solve this punctuation problem before posting your next draft: Place a space after commas and periods, as I have done here. Your writing is very, very difficult for English speakers to read otherwise!
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / President Bush's September llth Address to the Nation [7]

because that's how life is intended to be.

How life is intended to be (intended by whom?) or, simply, how life is?

Bush portrays his religious side of him, because most people are somehow religious in their own ways.

Bush references a Christian psalm because "most people are somehow religious in their own ways" or because he is preparing to launch a war on a Muslim nation?

Logos can be the only thing that helps reassured people since it's more logical.

Religion is the opposite of logos. When Bush asks people to pray, this is pathos. When he implicitly references his own Christianity in order to get Christian listeners to trust him, this is ethos.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Missing Opportunity in Life [5]

I'm concerned about the organization of this essay. I think that you are being too complicated by going back and forth in time as you do. That is an advanced technique in creative writing, but just sows confusion here. In a CBEST essay, they are looking for a clear thesis supported by evidence. Your evidence is the story, but your thesis gets lost in the narrative. The narrative itself is confusing, due to the time shifts.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Citing a printed Word document... [5]

That's OK, but what would be better would be to verify the document somehow. If somebody just emailed you a document, in theory they could have created it themselves, inaccurately attributing it to the school district. Contact the school district to verify the document.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "To stand out among 40,000+ students" - umich diversity essay [5]

Your "salad bowl" metaphor is good; UMich uses that metaphor itself. Remember, though, that lots of Arab-Americans from Dearborn apply to Michigan, so you can't count on simply being a "Fordson kid" to show that you will contribute to the school's diversity.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "How would you describe yourself?" - Penn State Admission Essay [10]

This is a somewhat charming essay but so light-weight that I don't think it's going to do you much good. Penn State isn't so interested in your personal characteristics as perceived by your family. I'd start over and focus on your interest in Deafness and Hearing Studies. In writing about this, show that you understand what Deaf culture is and that your interest in this realm goes beyond that of a do-gooder who is fascinated by "the deaf." Avoid the phrase "the deaf," which is rather like "the gays" or "the blacks."
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / GOOD AND BAD OF MULTICULTURL SOCIETY. DISCUSS [4]

Firstly, people from various cultures contribute in multiple ways to development
of countries with there multiple skills, characterstics and knowledge.For instance, United states of America is made of multicultural immigrants . The U.k. people contributes in the development of education where mostly highly qualified British people are working in topmost universities like Harvard and Oxford. Today they are recognised as best universities.African immigrants help in labour work in factories and industries in America.

Here, your meaning becomes incoherent. You start strong, although ungrammatically (I will fix the first sentence below) but then seem to confuse the U.S. and the U.K. Harvard is in the U.S.; Oxford is in the U.K. So, British people working at Oxford do not demonstrate the strengths of a multicultural society.

Correction of that first sentence:
Firstly, people from various cultures contribute in multiple ways to development
of countries with their multiple skills, characteristics, and knowledge.

A few more corrections:
Secondly, people contribute to broadening other people's horizons by sharing their traditions and cultures.

The drawbacks of multicultural society, that some immigrants never interact with other groups and they are socialize in their own group, and they are fighting with other group and creating tensions in country living in.

This is more myth than fact. It's also a run-on sentence.

In America, the Chinese people had made their own society and group where they don't allow their children to interact with Americans.

, especially regarding the Chinese in America. The history of Chinese immigration to American include laws made by Americans prohibiting inter-marriage and enforcing other sorts of segregation. Chinese men were portrayed as sexually deviant rapists of white women. Then, after enforcing segregation, Americans created the stereotype of Asians, and especially Chinese, as secretive and clannish.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Preparation Produces Opportunity" (A quote and how it relates to your life) [3]

Your introduction is lovely, and the substance of the essay is very strong. My chief complaint is your reliance on the "it is" formulation (and its variants) to start paragrahs:

It is true...
It is often the case...
While it may be necessary...
It is said...
It is unarguable...

Contrast these first lines with the first line of your introduction, and you will see what I mean. You can often simply strike those phrases:

It is said thatO pportunity does not present itself to those who do not seek it out or try and identify it.

It is unarguable thatW e must be ready to seize any opportunity or advantageous situation and it applies greatly to my life.

Finally, I am very sorry to see your user name. Don't let it become a self-fulfilling prophesy. You can write. Believe it, and you will be better able to do it.
EF_Simone   
Sep 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / My Essay on Disappearances in Pakistan. Help [3]

If you're going to talk about the U.S. in relation to Pakistan, you have to go back further in history in order to make sense, explaining how, just after Partition, the U.S. decided to support Pakistan -- and specifically right-leaning elements within Pakistan -- in order to try to balance left-leaning, China-favoring India. Then -- in the 1980s -- the U.S. funneled support for the Afghan opposition to the Soviets through Pakistan. This money was channeled via the Pakistan secret service branch of the military, which thereby gained the power it continues to hold today. And, of course, the Afghan-Pakistan "border" being so porous and indeed illusory to the ethnic group the sprawls across it, financial support for anti-Soviet fundamentalist Islamists in the 1980s has "blown-back" to create the situation we have today not only in Afghanistan but also in Pakistan.
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Everything is diverse - Umich Diversity Essay [5]

This is a good start, but you've got a way to go before it will be an acceptable essay. I see what you are trying to do with the present-tense introduction and that's fine but then, once you shift into past tense, you need to stay there until you come to the present day. Next, the second paragraph is a bit of a jumble. You need to organize that one more coherently and then follow up with a concluding paragraph that fully brings us forward into the present.
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Pomona supplemental essay/Does the essay capture the experience vividly enough [6]

Yes, this essay is too long for an extra essay. It's well written, but my own reaction to the content is not so positive as Sean's. From the first, I cringed at the "Orientalism" (look it up) implicit in the writer's stance toward an Asian culture. Maybe others did not find this offensive, but I was troubled by the lack of self-awareness even after the Kimono incident.
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Diversity Essay (AIDS Patient) - U of Michigan App [4]

Yes, this is a very strong entry. Extra points for mentioning the Diversity Blueprints Task Force.

One little punctuation fix:
At this twoi week conference, I was completely immersed into the field of medicine, learning from trained professionals, instructors, and fellow peers.

("Fellow peers" is redundant.)
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Originality is not such a concept that can be categorized in the first group or the other [4]

Originality is not such a concept that can be categorized in one group or the other.

Arguing about the fact that, whether an idea is original If and Just If that was not thought before, Or how significant the new combination of the old ideas should be, to be named Original is not simple and that much clear to discuss and I believe it is also not that much black and white.

Whoa! That's one sentence. It starts to go astray after the first comma and completely stops making sense at "If and Just If."

Why are you writing this essay? For English practice? Start over. Say what you have to say as simply as you possibly can. Once we can understand what you are trying to say, we can help you say it correctly.
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Puerile Prince or Stalwart King: An Analysis of Shakespeare's Henry V [7]

This the the very strong body of an essay. Now you need to write an introduction and conclusion. Given the degree of control exhibited by your instructor in this assignment, I'm going to assume that s/he wants your introduction to explicitly state your thesis in words very close to those of the assignment. Your conclusion should recap your arguments and restate your thesis. Boring but, with a teacher like this, probably necessary.

I'll leave it to other forum members to say whether or not they agree with your analysis of the play itself. Your grammar is very good and I don't notice an over-reliance on passive verbs at all.
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Drugs Are Cool (University of Pittsburgh Undergraduate Application) [8]

Very clever introduction! Your content is good too. I'm wondering whether you write any other essays as part of this application or this is the only one? If this is the only one, you will want to find a way to say more about yourself, perhaps just after you mention clerking at the pharmacy.
EF_Simone   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / educational and personal goals - UNCW Wilmington Essay [2]

A Seahawk, or osprey, is described to be able to live and flourish in almost any habitat. As a student at UNCW, I would succeed as a Seahawk, by working hard and adapting to the new surroundings as a college student.

I like this metaphor a lot. However, the rest of the essay is weak. When it comes down to it, you spend an essay that is supposed to be about your educational and personal goals talking about a television show. Not the best choice, if you want to be taken seriously as a potential student. Of course, most applicants watch television too, but -- unless one is pursuing a career in Cultural Studies or Media Studies and is looking at the program in question with a critical eye -- a television show is not an appropriate topic around which to center an essay.

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