Undergraduate / Ability, motivation, attitude - personal statement [3]

Hi!

Well, when you refer to a word, it is good to put it in " " quote marks. And I made another change, too:
"Ability" is what one is capable of doing. "Motivation" is what determines what one actually does with his or her ability . Attitude determines how well one does it.

Now, for the rest of it, JSFlash made good calls, for sure, and I'll just add whatever comes to mind for me. Different people catch different mistakes...

Now, right here (below) you start talking about something totally different!! So, you should transition somehow...

My name, Neha, means, "the one who is loving and affectionate."
Being from a foreign country has given me many privileges. My first language is Gujarati, rather than English. When I moved to the United States, I knew I had many things to look forward to because I knew I would have a better life here.

So, above, I separated the different topics. Can you put them in order so that you talk about "ability" and "motivation" in one paragraph, and mention how your parents inspire and motivate you... and then talk about the other topics, such as the meaning of your name, in their own paragraphs...

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'International student body for research' - Help with a Columbia U short answer [6]

Here is one spot to improve:

Right there in the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries." If only I could be around those who truly want advance this statement's reality, I am sure I could dominate both tasks.

Ohhhh... I understand what Sean meant... the word "whim" is not so good, because it sounds like something thoughtless. I think that changing that one word, or just taking it out, would be good.

Good job working with this until it became excellent!

Graduate / I don't want to compromise on the quality of my education;SOP/ Petroleum Engineering) [9]

Hi! No, this is not a report about the field of study. This should be a reflective essay where you look deep into your own mind and see what it is that inspires you to get into XXX field of study. This essay is about what drives you. It is very meaningful, and I hope that you will benefit much by writing it!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Another Essay: It is now 2013. How has Macaulay Honors College changed you? [6]

Yes, repetition can be a source of great power in your writing. Repetition can guide the reader deep into a thought. Repetition can sooth the reader with familiarity, as long as subtle variations are used to avoid redundancy. Repetition can drum a thumping rhythm. However, it can get old, too.

It is great that you appreciate literary devices like repetition! Google "she had some horses," a poem by Joy Harjo.

Here is help for the first part:

Now in the last year of my undergraduate studies, I am graduating with bachelor's degree in civil engineering from City College. While attending City College I had an experience that far exceeded my expectations.

Undergraduate / College Admissions Essay about dish that holds a strong assoicative to you. [7]

Angann29, one idea for you, since you are providing helpful feedback, it to use the "bold" option to highlight changes you make for peoples' essays! Thanks so much for helping!!!

Undergraduate / College Admissions Essay about dish that holds a strong assoicative to you. [7]

This is very well-written, and it responds perfectly to the prompt. It is great that you incorporated culture, too!

One dish that holds a strong associative power for me is mishti, which is generally sweetened curd made of milk, sugar and curd.

While being in such as diverse environment as New York, culture foods like Mishti allow me to feel like I still belong to this Bangladeshi culture. It is very important for me to maintain my cultural background; while living far away from Bangladesh, the food provides for me a constant reminder of my distant home.

Essays / I need help with this text; how to analyze it critically? [4]

You can have a great time analyzing that statement. When you analyze a statement, it is all about scrutinizing it, criticizing it.

This statement is not unwarranted, and people who are wise to the fact that meaning is lost in translation are NOT "unthinking."

First of all, even when I "translate" my own thoughts into words, some of my meaning is lost before they even get written on the page! Second, even when a translator is a "distinguished author," that still does not give them access to the original writer's thoughts! Third, even when the original writer does the translating, some meaning is lost, because language is not perfect.

James Masayoshi Mitose wrote: "Words are a difficult means of communication."

Graduate / 'My research work' - Help: sop in EE major [4]

You write well, without errors! Now, to help you I will take out the first sentence of each paragraph to see how you are leading the reader's attention:

My quest has been to become a top researcher in microelectronics and photonics.

My first project in XXX was to characterize the optical characteristics of AlGaN-based deep-ultraviolet light-emitting diodes (LEDs).

My recent research work concentrates on Indium Tin Oxide (ITO) contacts to LEDs.

As I learn more about my field, my desire to make progress in microelectronics and photonics is stronger.

I wonder if you could change the first sentence of each paragraph to give a theme for the paragraph...also, I wonder if there is any specialized area of research within the realm of microelectronics and photonics that is important to you.

How can you make this essay even more memorable? Perhaps add a few attention-grabbing lines. However, I saw no errors!

Book Reports / When King Lear hits bottom? [12]

Nice job! This opening is exactly the right way to show that you are attending to the prompt:

In order to interpret King Lear's gradual process of "bottoming out," it is necessary to look into the context of his life, and the circumstances around his stress and conflicts.

"Bottoming out" or reaching a low point in ones life can be emotionally and physically hard. It can be a horrible place where life seems unbearable; there is nothing to make you happy and nothing to look forward too. There is, however , a benefit of reaching bottom: you have nothing left to lose and no were to go but up.

...The storm is as violent as is his relationship with his daughters.

There are many people who cannot fight to get out of this dark place, and it can claim their lives.

NICE! I guess I think you should separate the longest paragraph into two...

:)

Kevin

Essays / How to write essay to describe myself? [22]

That is good advice! Try Google Scholar.

I see that you have three parts to write about... so it is like three small essays. Start with one paragraph for each.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "a fatal mistake" - CommonApp Essay 1 [5]

Wow, I can see that skill at the piano can make someone write with rhythm, too. This essay seems to reflect your music...

maverick288, your criticisms are not harsh... it's just a matter of helping each other find the right words. Maybe "determination" is the wrong word for covering up a mistake, so it should be changed to "focus."

Here is one improvement:

Winning the competition was one of the highlights of my life. Ever since I started banging the black and white keys at the age of four, I wanted to measure myself against the top young pianists in Hong Kong. I felt proud of myself for achieving that goal after hours and hours of practice and fatal setbacks.

Scholarship / I hope I could help the poor in Indonesia - Singapore Scholarship [4]

I always think that my parents are huge contributors to my environment and that they play a meaningful role in the making of the person I am today.

As I grew up, I watched my father work very hard in order to make ends meet.

When I have the better education, I will be able to help my parents and my country.

Nice job!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

Nice, if you have not read Plato's Allegory of the cave, you should read it to prepare for this.

Great idea.

Undergraduate / Common Essay-harvard, Yale, Princeton and Dartmouth [7]

Here are just a few ways to improve it:

Now, the idea of "greatness" in our culture is usually used in a weak way, such as getting a 100% on a test.

Also he was able to deal with the big issues too--slavery being the main issue of his time. He is the greatest president because of the balance of the country, in the sense that the country was divided into separate areas of land and ways of thinking .

In a state of liberty there are very few limiting rules , and even fewer controlling rules that tell you what to do.

Lincoln was the greatest President because he had the ability to explain the ideals of the country.

Nice job!

Undergraduate / 'Hong-Kong and Toronto' - Common App short answer - activities [11]

Nice job! I do think it is better not to say "Boy, have we improved..." See my ideas below.

High school basketball is just one of the aspects of high school life that I will remember forever. For five of the seven years I lived in Hong Kong I was on my school's basketball team. Initially, nobody even knew how to shoot a basketball properly but, we have come a long way since then. It was a tough journey, but last year we finally earned the title of regional champions. Everyone exploded with emotion at the sound of the final buzzer as we noisily celebrated our victory. We realized that hard work does eventually pay its dividends; our determination and perseverance had brought us success.

Dissertations / Using electronic sources in a dissertation [2]

Hi, this is an important question. The thing is, online articles are usually hard copies as well, so even if you find them on Google Scholar or questia.com (2 very good resources) they also still exist as actual articles in scholarly journals. So, you can still cite them as journal articles as long as you spend the time to find the publication info.

Also, you really should ask your academic advisor about the details... perhaps your focus for the dissertation is particularly suited for online sources (i.e. maybe you are writing about E-Commerce)?

So, 1.) ask an adviser, and 2.) even when you read sources online you can still cite the original publication.

Essays / PhD Social work program - what kind of essay they require? [4]

Yes, I totally agree with Sean, for whatever that is worth!

1.
A statement of interest demonstrating commitment to advanced
study in the field. This asks for your clear focus and specific plans

2. Calgery
educational goals and career expectations, and the research problem to be investigated thought the doctoral thesis; This asks for your research plan and future goals

3.Toronto
Study and Research Proposal: 10 pgs. This asks just for the plan.

4. study plan This asks just for the plan.

So, if you have the research proposal already, all you need is an essay about your "commitment to advanced study" and it should be useful for both # 1 and #2

Undergraduate / What is your favourite word and why? - Uni of Virginia [15]

I would like to see how you use it in the essay, and then I'll tell you if it seems right... I think it is a great idea, though!

For part of your essay, you can defend your choice by explaining what you explained here. However, try to find that info in a source other than wikipedia, because wiki is not always credible. I like the way you think!!

Book Reports / Academic book that has inspired you [2]

Oh, well the first thing I noticed is that you started out y writing about boringness. That is not an effective way to get a reader's attention, although it is cool the way you explain it. Tack another sentence onto the beginning to help explain how it inspired you. That way, the way it inspired you is something that you can clarify throughout the rest of the essay. It can come right at the start of this first paragraph:

The cover of the book does not spark nearly as much interest as the words inside. It is a bland shade of beige with a black and white photo ...

As for giving adequate background for the book, I think you do not have to worry about that... the most important thing is what the reader learns about you.

You write very well!

Scholarship / I hope I could help the poor in Indonesia - Singapore Scholarship [4]

Wow, you have some nice options, here. These four paragraphs can be rearranged in a different order, if you want to experiment a little. The last sentence, about your parents being your motivation, seems like it should come near the beginning.

you write without errors, and your sentences are simple and clear. I think the content is good, and that you should just experiment with putting the ideas in a different order. Remember that you are leading the reader in his or her thought process.

Undergraduate / "I'm from Dubai" - U of Wisconsin essay [7]

Great advice here! Well, like she said, the info is not in order yet. So, when you put it in order, consider answering the prompt question right at the start:

I can make a meaningful contribution to the University of Wisconsin, because I have been shaped by diverse experiences. I was raised in the city of Dubai, far away from my native country of India and isolated from all my relatives. Perhaps this unique upbringing created my vigorous imagination as a child - I pictured myself as an astronaut sweeping across the starry skies, as a supermodel whose style and fame takes her past all regulations.

I like that part (above) a lot, by the way.

You are a good writer. Now, try to keep a common theme throughout the essay. Choose one them and stick to it. That does not mean you can't write about other things (i.e. being a good listener); it just means to group everything together around a common theme, such as the "vigorous imagination." I think that is a powerful theme.

Undergraduate / 'Why' Essay - Go For Wabash ! Go Wally! To Become A Gentleman [3]

First, I'll correct the punctuation for the dialogue:

When a Wabash student once told me with great sincerity, "We're proud of being Wabash men," I was struck with a strongly positive impression of the school, driving away all my preconceived ideas of an all-male college.

"Go For Wabash! Go Wally! To Become A Gentleman..."

Is it hard to be a real good and responsible man, who thrives both socially and academically?

The reason you are having trouble with the conclusion is that you don't have a common theme that you keep throughout. I mean, obviously Wabash is the theme, but you need one central truth about why it is the school for you. I like the fact that you mention a desire for the high academic standard, and that you want to challenge yourself. Maybe that could be your theme. Maybe you should mention the "rigorous academic curicula" in the opening paragraph and establish it as the theme for the essay. Then, for the conclusion, you can refer back to it.

So, what I am saying is... try taking one of the points you covered during the essay (I like the one about wanting rigorous curricula) and mention it in both the intro paragraph and the conclusion paragraph -- so that it is established as a theme for the essay. Then, your conclusion will seem brilliant, because you end by coming full circle, back to the original theme.

I hope that makes sense...

Undergraduate / U of Ill. extra-curricular activities [5]

Here is a sentence that you can cut:

Ezra and I spent the day talking, painting, dancing and playing games.

Although you probably like that sentence, because it is a fond memory, it is not important for what you are trying to say.

I think the way you conclude this is great. You are not the first person to get a profound insight about life while looking into a child's eyes -- I bet the reader of this essay will be able to relate.

Undergraduate / the Singapore Youth Flying Club - college admission essay [6]

Well, there is more than one right way to do it, of course, but keep in mind that you are leading someone's attention, their thought process. When you say choppy, I think you are talking about abrupt changes in what you are writing about... so the cure for choppiness is graceful transition. Each sentence can introduce, or give rise to th next. It is good that you think about things like "choppiness" when you write.

I suggest that you look at each paragraph and try changing each paragraph's intro sentence so that they tell what is to come. That way, you can write it in whatever order you want. Do not over think it, though! You write very well, so be natural.

Undergraduate / Personal Statment: Describe an experience and impact on you. [3]

How about this at the start:

As I blew the candles on my birthday cake, I made a wish: I wish to have a normal nose again.

I see no errors to correct, and this essay is quite powerful. You did a great job of transitioning from the experience to your successes. I think you were especially eloquent in describing your grandfather. It's funny how the best writers are often the people who have suffered much...

Undergraduate / Why do you want to join the Honors Program at GW? [2]

I was motivated at this young age to understand the concepts of business and explore the endless possibilities that are offered through business. In the same way, I have been motivated to learn about many concepts and ideas such as our law system, capitalistic society and the humanity aspects such as community service.

I am certain that such motivation will be prevalent at the GW's honor program, and this is exactly what I need to pursue my goals.

I can see myself succeeding at GW's honors program, because the program offers perspectives, motivation and challenges. I wLooking at the broad range of classes that are offered, I am motivated to comprehend the challenging courses that lay ahead of me.

This sentence sems out of place and unnecessary: The way the classes address humanity, mathematical and scientific subjects such as quantitative research methods to measure predicted behaviors based off of human sexual behaviors, are intriguing and definitely the right core classes that I can see myself in.

You write without many errors! This is a good start, and I think it will be much better with another draft. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / At young age, my relationship with my father heavily influenced my choice in pursuing Nursing Major [5]

Just a few things to correct:

My father reassured me that my company helped eased his pain, and I was elated to know that he felt better.

I felt that nursing could help me make a difference in people's lives, sometimes large and sometimes small , always allowing me the opportunity to alleviate suffering to the best of my abilities.

Book Reports / Tell us about your favorite book. 2 para book review. [4]

Good writing often involves themes that are threaded together, and that continue throughout the whole essay. If you want to make a very strong impression, you can make it so that a single theme is present throughout most aspects of the essay. So, instead of just describing things, you use them as examples of redemption (or some other theme).

Undergraduate / Why the University of Chicago?2 para essays. [3]

An academic community that is ideal for me is one that facilitates the exchange of knowledge. The community should be comprised of like-minded individuals who are passionate about learning and sharing.

While I am passionate about dance and community service, I do not mind learning new skills such as in fencing or bowling or being involved in expeditions and theatre.

Excellent, you seem confident and articulate. I hope you are received well at th U. of Chicago!

Scholarship / HEOP ESSAY SCHOLARSHIP [6]

At my school I am known for being the right hand calendar man, who always is on top of everyone's due dates.

Many of us come from low-income families, and I hope to make an example by being a successful person. My contribution is one of encouragement; in college, I can express my ideas while contributing to group morale and motivation.

This is very thoughtful. I made some important corrections, and I think you should add a conclusion paragraph that reflects on the whole essay. Good luck!!!

Writing Feedback / "My Dad in Me" essay need help with editing and any other things you notice [4]

I am the type of person whose personality was heavily influenced by her dad. My dad is the one who lead me to the Culinary Art field mostly.

A computer technician, he works for both Hewlett-Packard Electronic Data System (EDS).

Computer science is a far stretch from Culinary Arts, naturally .

Now one may see how my dad's personality plays a big part in me today.
My dad made me who I am today by showing how to cook, sew, fix objects, build objects, and so forth .

I just loved making people smile I began to make cookies, brownies, rice krispie treats, chocolate cover pretzels, and bring the sweet treats to school and handing the treats out to my friends and teachers. Soon I began to watch the Food Network channel on TV and trying to improve my skills to surprise family and friends around the holidays and such.

For this last sentence, I wonder if you can come up with something very reflective, thoughtful, instead of repeating: So now people can see how I am a lot like my dad, and how he had molded my ever most important creative side of me.

Maybe you can add one new phrase for reflection on how his influence affects you.

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

Adults with some experience behind them recognize meaningful life experience when they read about it. Certain experiences change a person, add to them a new dimension. That is what struck me about this essay, but naturally my opinion does not reflect everyone's opinion. If I worked in the admissions office, this essay would make a strong impression on me...

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Consider movements in both axis -- that is, lateral and directional, where the "directional" indicates movement towards the goal measurable against some scale similar to how we measure progress in any development, and the "lateral" movement is one in which the study shifts by making complementary developments in related areas, to have a better hold by making generalizations and enabling it to move forward confidently.

This is all well-written and interesting, but it needs to be explained a bit more... It is hard to follow, because you don't prepare the reader for what is to come. Where do these concepts about learning come from, for example? That said, it is also true that many essays do not explain everything... but as this is an essay intended to explain these concepts, it would be good to put more lines into the introduction parts.

Undergraduate / Campus / Let love speak - Tufts Supplements [9]

I fell in love with Tufts the moment I set foot on campus. It has every quality I associate with my conception of a perfect school would be: beautiful environment, challenging rigor, diversity, and a wide variety of science programs. As a Chemistry major I don't want to limit my studies to just Chemistry; I want to broaden

My fingers move freely along the keys of my piano. The unique sound of each key as my fingers press against them resonates in my mind and becomes a part of me. Playing the piano gives me the ability to express myself through the essence of my playing. The joy of learning a new song compels me to perfect my playing. When I was young, practicing the piano was a mundane routine for me, but it has become one of my favorite forms of self-expression.

There are a few unnecessary sentences in this second one... you can choose the ones to delete. Also, separate it into two paragraphs...

"Practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect." This is a phrase that has been the basis of my childhood, and now a philosophy of my life.

Put commas before the " mark, like this:

I am not satisfied with just "good" or "great," but rather "outstanding."

I learned that there is no limitation to human potential and that, as long as we are willing to progress ourselves, we will be one step closer to perfection.

Essays / points on how to write an essay about myself; give me a sample [12]

In this essay, I will explain how a particular value that is important in my family has inspired me to choose [name of school] as my top choice among the available schools. This value, which is common to both my upbringing and the philosophy of [name of school] is...

And then spend the essay explaining this value, which you inherited from your family, and how its importance to you makes this college an absolutely perfect choice.

Undergraduate / U of Ill. extra-curricular activities [5]

I never know how to rate things from one to ten! :) I have to choose a number based on uncertain criteria. For example, what would be a 10... something written by Shakespeare? If Shakespeare would get a 10, I guess you get... 7.5 !!!

:)

Let's see how the next draft looks. What was that moment when you had a revelation inspired by Ezra?

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

Nope, you did something that is even better than writing a strong essay: you wrote an interesting one. It is rare for the admissions people to get something that is actually interesting... like, something thy would read in their spare time.

Good writers capture a reader by giving them something for which they want a resolution, and then letting tension build, and finally resolving it. If you try to improve it more, work with the way you cause tension in the reader's experience... that is a tough art, for sure, but you write very well.

To improve it, I would add one grabber sentence just before the Mandarin dialogue. Nothing fails to capture a reader's attention like something s/he does not understand. However, it is interesting to see words in a different language!! So, add one sentence before that first sentence.

The intro sentence could be very short, a sentence that establishes SETTING in just a few words:

I stepped into the office and tried to appear more confident than I felt. "Ni jiao shen me ming zi?" demanded the interviewer in mandarin. Puzzled at first, I quickly spoke back in my native language. "My name is Alvin," I answered. Fumbling my hands and looking around her embellished office, I tired to ease my anxiety. I was being interviewed for a counseling position in the International Exchange Foundation, a program that invites students from around

Does that make sense? Anyway, it is alread obviously a great essay...

Undergraduate / Who am I? (200 words) [16]

"Intellectual" refers to something that involves the application of knowledge, like a deep study of a topic. Perhaps you have gone very deep in your study of something, something that has to do with your intended major. Maybe you have learned the principles behind hypnotherapy, or martial arts, or meditation, or dance, or something else that is complex and meaningful.

"Vitality" is live energy, so they are asking about something about which you feel passionate. I wonder if you have studied Christianity in depth, or Zen Buddhism, or some other kind of philosophy.

What intellectual subject is so fascinating to you that it gives you energy, vitality? :)

Maybe you know a lot about the part of philosophy called "ethics." Maybe for example, you are vitally passionate about some moral issue... like compassion. Whatever you write about, explain it as something that stimulates you intellectually, and it has to be something that you have deep insight into -- insight that you can capture in words for this essay.

Undergraduate / Why XYZ college? [4]

I can clearly remember the day I first learned about XYZ. While surfing the web, I intentionally read a piece of writing about XYZ of ABC, a XYZ student. At first, I thought she was boasting because what she said sounded indicative of a school that that fit my conception of a perfect college.

What did she say??

From the very first time I read about XYZ, I was immediately attracted by its commitment to offer the students responsibility for their own education. It will be wonderful to study in a college where the students are treated like mature and responsible people .

XYZ's small size at first seemed like a disadvantage, but actually it turns out to be an advantage which offers the students more personal attention from their professors.

I am perplexed at my inability to explain in depth how important it is to me to be able to attend to XYZ in a concise essay.

Well done! They will want you as a student. Great sincerity and enthusiasm.

Writing Feedback / "My hobby" essay (reading) [4]

It is just wonderful to let myself loose in a whole new world every time I open a book.

For book titles, do not use " " marks. Instead, italicize the title:

It can be the fascinating world of magic in Harry Potter, the intricate world of an autistics boy in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, or the mystery world of space and time in A Brief History of Time.

Reading has the potential to change my life; it helps develop a sense of creativity. Those conceptions are what I hear from my peers, my teachers all the time.

Reading has become a familiar experience over the years; now it is not only a hobby, but also a need.