Writing Feedback / Many people believe they cannot count on the same job perpetually [2]

Hsin-ya, your opening statement is really because it immediately represents your opinion of matters to be discussed in the body of paragraphs to follow. If you review the prompt requirement, your opinion is not required in the essay so it shouldn't be mentioned anywhere in it. However, a reference to the fact that you will be discussing several reasons for this occurence and how it can be prevented from happening in the future should be mentioned in the opening statement. Think of the introduction as a teaser. Don't give away the whole the story at the start. Use highlights to accentuate your discussions. The discussion paragraphs need further thought development as the presentations are to shallow in nature when it comes to indicating reasons as to why people switch jobs often. It doesn't present an alternative, as required that can prevent the situation from happening in the future. The concluding paragraph continues to present new ideas for discussion, along with an unwarranted personal opinion. That means it cannot be considered a concluding paragraph. A proper conclusion works only on summarizing a discussion for more accurate consideration of the discussion presented on the part of the writer and reader.

Writing Feedback / I need correct my TOEFL Independent Writing: Raising children in urban or rural areas [3]

Thanh, your essay doesn't clearly depict the type of essay discussion you are expected to present in the essay. While the topic is clear, the discussion type (e.g. comparison or opinion essay) needs to be clear as well. Remove that sentences such as "I will explore in the following essay" because it shows a lack of grammar range on your part. Try to always release a sentence, even if it means the same thing. Be consistent in your discussions. If you discuss the advantage of the educational system in the first part, then show the discharge in the second part. That will give validity and credence to your life of reasoning presented and also show your ability to think logically and coherently in English. Work on developing a proper conclusion on your essay. It takes more than just 2 lines to properly close a week developed essay. Summarize and then conclude using all aspects of discussion, not just your personal opinion.

Writing Feedback / Transport investments. IELTS Task II, Roads VS Railways. [2]

Yong, the main problem that you have work this essay is that you are not discussing it properly. Read the instructions again and analyze what it is asking you to do. The instruction is asking you to pick one side of the discussion and then defended it. So you should choose if you want to agree with the statement or not and then support and defend that point of view. Pick just one side to represent. This is a supporting opinion essay, not a comparison essay. So what do you have to do to fix this essay?

1. Properly paraphrase the opening statement, closing it with the opinion you support.
2. Don't discuss more than one opinion per paragraph so that you can develop a convincing argument. Present your strongest reason and develop it. You can present the second supporting opinion in a separate paragraph.

3. Develop a more appropriate closing statement that properly sums up your topic statement, reasons for supporting a point of view, and a restatement of your final opinion.

These are the required changes that will better assist you in developing an essay that it's more prompt adherent and will allow you to showcase all of your English writing skills.

Scholarship / K-ARTS Scholarship Self Introduction essay for Film and Media Graduate students [3]

Jahangir, when you talk about a self introduction essay, the focal point should veer away from your interest in Film and Media. That is because the self introduction letter is the only opportunity that you will have to introduce other aspects of your character and personality to the reviewer. It is often used to let the reviewer know that there is more to you than just a solid focus on your chosen profession. Discuss other aspects of your personality that will allow him to get to know you on a more personal basis. Make sure to expand your description to being that of more than just a film student. What do you enjoy doing aside from making films? What are your community related activities? Do you have memberships in other organizations? What kind of personality do you have that others appreciate? Present a well rounded depiction of yourself. Don't focus on just the film making part. Do not discuss the university in this introduction essay because that is not the focal point of the discussion. This essay should be all about you and your character. The discussion about the reasons you chose the university should be saved for the letter of motivation instead. Revising the content to simply introduce yourself will make it more prompt adherent and allow the reviewer to get to know more about you as a person rather than as a dedicated film student.

Graduate / Fulbright Application - It's been a hard day's night... Application for Music Composition Studies [3]

Luis, this is not a very effective study objective because you have failed to present a solid reason for your desire to study this particular course. There is too much focus on the organization rather than the plans that you have which relate to your own skill set and plans as a professional. Create an ambition for yourself that you plan to reach by completing these studies. If you wish to continue to support the organization upon your return, then pick a specific aspect of the organization that you want to focus on developing and then explain that in your study plan. The study plan helps the reviewer understand what the focal point of your ambitions are and how it relates to your academic development. At this point, you want to study too many things for various reasons. What the reviewer needs is for you to calm down and focus on the development of your studies based upon your plans for your future. Create a connection between your previous experience at the organization (no more than 1 paragraph), then relate that to your future study plans. Think of what you enjoyed learning most at the organization and then think about how you think your future studies can help to improve that. Then explain which classes in particular will help you achieve these goals. That is the kind of focused study plan that your essay requires.

Letters / About TV in my country - Email to my friend - essays [3]

Le, this letter is very poorly written. You only stayed the information that was provided to you in the instructions. You did not make any effort to try and develop complete paragraphs in your presentations. It is important that you show more of your of your English lexical abilities by writing longer paragraphs by writing at least 3 well developed sentences each. Try to complete the letter in about 3 paragraphs for a higher possible score. At the moment I'm going to score this no higher than a 4. Review your letter and you will see that you selected to proofread your letter for spelling errors and grammar inaccuracies. Neglecting to double check these elements during an actual test will result in an even lower score. Make it a point to check your work, correct the mistakes, and assist your essay or letter prior to submission, even during a practice test.

Letters / Finalizing my Uni appeal for Sociology [3]

Madeline, the topic that you chose to present doesn't really the in work Sociology because the project work is more in the field of elderly care and geriatric treatment. It doesn't signify a sociological representation of an issue relating to the elderly. A sociological topic in this research area should relate more to the development of the elderly in a changing world. For example, focusing on how the care of the elderly has evolved from family Care to stranger care would make for a nice sociological comparison. Right now, your appeal doesn't really invest itself in a study relating to Sociology so this essay might not be able to help you get a reconsideration for admission. You should, in my opinion, try to develop a new essay that is more focused on a sociological relationship between two related research topics.

Writing Feedback / Essay about job contribution. I need mentors advice, remark, write score band... [2]

Anhphong, the essay is very confusing to read. There is a lack of proper representation of the two argumentative sides prior to your introduction of your opinion in the opening statement. This is the most critical point of your essay as this is where you are expected to outline your upcoming discussion and you failed to properly do that. The discussions that you presented also tend to veer away from the original conversation and insert other non-related information. Specifically in paragraph 2. Paragraph 3 is simple impossible to understand. I know that it probably makes sense to you in your vernacular tongue. In English though, the paragraph is heading nowhere. It is neither here nor there in its idea presentation.These problems with your discussion are what led to your overall score of 4. That is based upon my assessment of your work, inclusive of the grammar, punctuation, lexical, as well as cohesiveness and cohesion considerations.

Essays / I need help with this essay ...Some students have a background, identity or interest [4]

Onyemaechi, think of a time in your life when you were profoundly affected by an event that happened to you. There is no right or wrong answer to this essay prompt. Neither is there a right or wrong event to narrate. All you have to be sure about in your presentation is that it explains something unique about your personality or interests. Even your background as a family would be applicable for discussion. What the reviewer is looking for at this point is a reason to say that you have a "unique" personality that sets you apart from the other applicants. Do not get this confused with a "transition to adulthood" story as others before you have done. That is not the right approach. While this essay asks you to discuss something that highlights a certain type of person that you are, it doesn't have to show a transition. It can show a basic lesson learned, a realization about yourself, or an ability that you did not know you had before.

Essays / I'm not certain about topic...... My contribution to the campus and student life [3]

Moo, universities are always looking for international students that can help in the indirect teaching of their students overall. That is why they are asking about how you can manage to help increase the diversity of their campus. This is all about promoting international relations among the students. Showing the university that you have a proactive nature in terms of contributing to campus and student life will always help. Aside from joining the existing clubs and organizations and promoting your culture through socialization, what else can you do to make the student experience more exciting and beneficial to those around you? For example, try to find out if your nationality is represented by a campus organization. Then find out the number of students at the university who share your nationality. If you have enough data to justify starting your own club or organization, then you will be adding to the diversity of the campus. Aside from your nationality, you can also use your unique interests as a promotional tool for campus diversity as well.

Essays / Finalizing explanation of low GPA in additional mini essay [3]

That statement does not make any sense at all. You are supposed to be discussing your low GPA in the letter, yet you mention a statement of purpose, which is a totally different essay from a GPA explanation letter. I think you are confused about the information that you should be sharing with the admissions committee. It would have been better if you had posted the complete letter in this thread instead of just the end part. I truly feel that you need to have your whole letter reviewed in order to ensure that you have written the correct letter in relation to the purpose that it is intended for. If you have the opportunity, please post that letter in a new thread here. You already made a mistake with your confusing closing statement. That is what makes me worry about the overall content of the letter that you wrote. It would be in your best interest to have us review your letter here either in the urgent thread or within our offered services.

Scholarship / A decent aspirant to obtain a scholarship prize [3]

Ciara, when you apply for a scholarship, the first that you have to look at are the requirements of the program. What are their grade requirements, recommendation requirements, abilities, and traits, that they look for in students. You should tailor your essay to suit these expectations of the scholarship committee. That means, you need to discuss the reasons why you believe you qualify for the scholarship considering their requirements and expectations of their potential scholars. Your essay doesn't really do that. You are speaking of personal reasons why you would be a good candidate. You have not considered the specific scholarship requirements that would qualify you for the program. Review their requirements and discuss your abilities based upon their expectations. Highlight your abilities and other aspects as a student or private person that tie in directly with their objectives as a scholarship program. Remember that there are hundreds or thousands of scholarship applicants that will be presenting far more qualified information about themselves that better align them with the scholarship program. You have to make sure that you stand out among that pack somehow.

Scholarship / SCHOLARSHIP: Short essay on something of personal importance to you [2]

Lih, this topic doesn't have a personal tone to it. There is nothing in what you wrote that would indicate a personal relationship to this topic. The discussion presented has a general tone. What would give this discussion a personal importance note? If you tell the reviewer that you were a victim of identity fraud, electronic crime, or something similar, which then leads to your interest in cyber security, then you will have something of personal importance to you too discuss using this topic. The problem, is that you are speaking in general terms of entrepreneurship interests on your part instead. That made the response wrong. You have 2 choices at the moment, either create a personal connection with the topic or change time discussion topic. In my opinion, the latter would be easier and better to do. It will give you more room to develop a more personal essay topic in line with the personal importance discussion.

Research Papers / Essay On Early Childhood Play and Education [3]

Amy, you accidentally placed your thesis statement at the conclusion of the essay. Move it up to the last part of your opening paragraph. This will require you to edit the content of that paragraph because it it's going to run way too long. Trip limit the focus of the opening paragraph to the presentation of the that's statement in relation to the importance of this research study instead. Try to not use 2 quotes from different speakers in one paragraph. It tends to confuse the reader. However, if you paraphrased the information and frame it as an explanation in your own words instead, then you can use 2 different sources in one paragraph. Limiting the number of woes in your essay will also strengthen the discussion further. You will need to create a new concluding statement though. One that will better wrap up the discussion than your current effort.

Writing Feedback / Motivation Letter of Taking M.TESOL program in Monash University [3]

Ahmad, a motivational letter should be short but informative and effective in delivering an overview of your statement of purpose. Your essay effectively does this in paragraphs 2 & 3. This motivational letter currently has too much information in it when the most important motivational points are only found in the aforementioned paragraphs. It would be best if you revise those 2 paragraphs to become the Motivational representation in your letter. That is because those she both the motivation and purpose of your interest in higher study. Keeping the motivational letter short, in this instance, about 3 paragraphs long will effectively do the job that needs to get done in the presentation of the letter. Reformat the presentation of paragraphs 2 & 3 and the motivational letter should fall into place for you. It doesn't need to be any longer than that.

Writing Feedback / Intended major and future goals and why you have chosen your field of interest [2]

Ngan, this is absolutely the wrong response to the prompt. Your response sounds like a a childish paper written in elementary rather than a college level response. Show a more mature writing level and and show a sense of maturity in your essay response development. Speaking of response development, you never mentioned what your chosen major is in the essay even though it was required by the prompt. Your future goals also sounds so far fetched and impossible to attain at the moment. Lower your future goals to something attainable working the forest 5 years of your graduation. Be realistic. You must totally change your response to the prompt requirements because you failed to properly respond to all 3 points you were asked to represent in the discussion. You cannot use this version of the essay for your application.

Research Papers / Violent Video Games are A-OK [2]

Jason, the first improvement that you can make to this essay is further developing your opening statement to include a reference to the prime objective of your research. The topic statement is missing from it. Next, watch out for your grammar. Make sure that all your sentences follow the proper English sentence structure / development. If you use MS Word 360, that should automatically be pointed out with correction suggestions. Follow the suggestions given. Next, cute references in order to strengthen your claims. This is specially important when you explain that violent video games have influenced real life / real time violence. Your last paragraph doesn't look, feel, read, or sounds like a conclusion. It doesn't have the right content for a conclusion. It sounds more like a continuation of the discussion presented. This is not a bad draft. Just make sure to follow my instructions in order to create a more definitive research paper.

Scholarship / Learning nationalism through activities in education, youth, and Indonesian culture [5]

@hmd Unfortunately, I am not allowed to give my email address to the forum users. That is a security precaution to protect the contributors privacy and our computer systems. I understand your concerns regarding publicly posting your letter here. The only way I can work with you directly and privately is if you avail of our private services. I can help you with your letter there, without opening your letter to public scrutiny at the forum and silence any plagiarism concerns you might have. Just click on the services link above and choose the name Mary among the preferred writers. That the name I use for private consultations at the forum. Be sure to check the box next to " This it's an admissions essay / personal statement" and attach the file for review. Send your questions as well. You will be placed in direct contact with me there and we can work on your letter privately at that point. Please consider signing up for the service if you really want to work privately with me.

Scholarship / Learning nationalism through activities in education, youth, and Indonesian culture [5]

Putri, in my opinion, the first part of your essay is weak. The first two paragraphs doesn't really impressed the reader with information that encourage him to keep on reading your essay. If you start off immediately with your chapter of the organization instead, you create an interesting hook that tells the reviewer that you embody the ideology of the scholarship and that you have the ability to continue promoting Indonesia and also, contributing to it's social and civic development based upon this direct experience. The last 4 paragraphs are really strong and impressive. What you can actually do is just revise your presentation in order to better utilize the 4 paraphrased at the end to become the total essay you will be submitting with your application. You don't really need the unrelated and not interesting at all first 2 paragraphs in this instance.

Research Papers / The Effects of Video Games on Kids - English 102 Essay [2]

Burton, complete your thesis statement, that it's, your introductory paragraph by closing it with information about what you hope to accomplish through this research. That way your research develops an objective and a purpose for being. Next, you need to make sure to use past instead of present tense because all the information indicated in the essay is located in the past already. By the way, done check your plural terms. Use "sources" because you refer to more than one source of information in the research. As much as possible, do not use first person problems in the essay unless otherwise instructed. That it's because this sorry of research requires a non-bias tone of discussion. Create a new concluding statement that does not offer new information. Just wrap it up with a restatement of the topic, summarized information, then a closing sentence. It is an academic faux pax for you to present new information, most specially a personal opinion as the closing statement of an academic research paper.

Research Papers / The Importance of Korean Community to The Philippines [2]

Han, what is the point of this essay? The introduction doesn't make any sense. Your first paragraph must properly introduce the topic you are discussing. This is done by using the opening paragraph to explain the basis of the research, the point you are trying to make, and what the research on the topic taught you about Korea-Philippines relations. You need to better utilize transition sentences and paragraphs in order to prepare the reader for the extensive changes in research information you are presenting. As I read the research, I really couldn't say that there was a point to the research because of the lack of thesis statement and discussion outline. Try to develop the topic statement an a strong manner and clarify the discussion outline, along with the necessary transition statements. That way the essay development a beginning, middle, and end to it's presentation.

Scholarship / University Scholarship Cancellation Appeal Letter [3]

Anthony, there is too much information in this essay and all of it, does not require the scholarship committee to care about your situation. You had the scholarship, you lost the scholarship. Their decision is final. The way that you discussed the matters of a personal nature in the essay doesn't help your case. It only shows how trivial your reasons for failing were, when you already had the scholarship and merely had to keep it. They don't care if your dad got a new bathroom and paid for your sisters expenses, or your grandparents not being able to support you. After all, you were able to keep your scholarship at this time when you were truly faced with matters that could have lost you the scholarship. Your girlfriend cheating on you and your brother's suicide attempt is so trivial when compared to the previous situation. So why were you affected in such a profound manner?

The fact of the matter is, you did not value your scholarship when you had it and you did not offer any information regarding changes in your set up that will prove you will be able to retain your scholarship in the future. Merely taking additional classes does not prove your grades will improve next semester. You need to prove marked changes in your situation as of the present in order to make them reconsider. Explanations such as getting a part time job so that you won't have to depend on your father or grandparents for support, and distancing from your family and their drama so that your studies will not be affected. Show that you now have a strong personality and will no longer be sidelined by such family and personal life matters. Right now, this essay does not make a good plea for the reinstatement of your scholarship. It is weak and doesn't offer a sense of improvement on your part in all aspects that might affect your scholarship should it be reinstated in the future.

Scholarship / University of Auckland Scholarship Essay_Skill and Knowledge gained from the study [3]

Posman, this prompt is requiring you to prove that you have a familiarity with the university you are applying for admission to, as well as the program of study that you are going to be undertaking. Note that you are being asked to inform the reviewer about what knowledge and skills you hope to acquire from this course of study. So you need to mention specific courses and programs that will directly relate to your line of study. This includes any reference to internships or training programs that the university offers its students. Right now, you do not mention any specific, university and program related information that can tell the reviewer how you plan to excel as a student in the program. You now what you want to learn about, therefore, there are particular areas of study you will wish to concentrate on. Explain how those classes will help you gain additional information and knowledge. Don't generalize the essay. Be as specific as possible regarding the classes and knowledge you hope to acquire through your studies there.

Undergraduate / "Tell us about an achievement or ability not reflected in this application." [2]

Patrick, this essay covers more of the requirements for an obstacle you had to overcome instead of an achievement or ability. When you are asked to speak of an achievement or ability, this pertains more towards Civic achievements that are either sponsored by your school or community organization. The idea, is to show your leadership skills to the reviewer. It doesn't necessarily have to relate to academics. However, if the biggest achievement that you have is academic, then discuss that. This theme though does not portray an academic achievement but rather an obstacle you had to overcome. So you can't use this essay for this prompt. This topic is all about success and leadership, not obstacles or weaknesses as a student. You need to come up with a more appropriate and impressive discussion. Even for an overcoming an obstacle prompt this topic is tired and common place already. If you wish to use this topic then you have to change the theme from obstacle to achievement and, I believe, that will be a bit hard for you to do.

Writing Feedback / It's a short story about a aunt and his nephew. [3]

Sam, this sounds like the middle of a short story instead of being the short story itself. Consider that a short story can be completed in one page, using one scene, multiple dialogues, and descriptive sentences. This narration falls short on all counts. The first thing that you have to do is create the purpose for the story. Why does the aunt need to visit her nephew? What is the purpose of the actions to be shown in the story? Where is the aunt coming from? Describe your opening scene first. Anything about 3-5 sentences long will suffice. That means you have to describe the setting or location of the aunt first. Then include dialogue that will help the story along. What was her thought process? Add some action to the thought process to make it more interesting. When she gets to the train station, do the same thing. The story is boring and pointless because it does not engage the imagination of the reader. Most importantly, the ending doesn't make any sense at all. So, before you revise the story, try to outline the process of the story telling first. Make sure to create a relevant and engaging ending for the reader to close the story by. It will be in the best interest of your story if you write a totally new one. One that is better outlined and developed in all aspects of story telling. By the way, make sure to write 250 words for the story. One full page of story is short enough. Remember, you need a purpose, a middle, and and end to the narration in order to qualify as a complete story.

Undergraduate / UC Davis Waitlist Essay - my mendeavors to study the Social Sciences [2]

Syrah, though this essay is well thought out, it doesn't fully represent the method by which your past and current endeavors in the social science area ties in with the social science programs and study at UC Davis. Being a wait listed student, you want to show the reviewer that you have an impressive background that can further enhance their diversity and social sciences program. Right now, the statement that you have written doesn't really make an impact upon the reader. There is no definite information that pops out which would make me consider taking you off the wait list should a slot become available. It would be best if you do your best to tie in your previous studies and activities with your potential for growth at UC Davis through specific programs in the social sciences department. Sure you mention some departments in this response. However, its relevance to your previous academic experience or social / community participation is not clearly indicated. Without that information, the reviewer cannot really assess the relevance of your statement in relation to your potential as a student at UC Davis. Create a clear connection between your past and present, in order to make an impression that can affect your future consideration as a non-wait listed student.

Research Papers / Prescription Drug Abuse among kids, Teens, and Adults [2]

Noah, I can see that you have included a listing of your reference material at the end of the essay. That means that you actually referred to this information within certain portions of your essay. However, you failed to properly give recognition to the original writers of the information by using a proper in-text citation based on the writing format of your paper. Regardless of whether you used and actual quote or if you paraphrased the content, you must provide a reference to the original writer or source within your own work. If you do not completely cite the text in your research, you will be accused of plagiarism (since your teacher will run this through a plagiarism checker) and receive an automatic failing grade for this paper. Before you edit anything else in this paper, you must fix the citation problem in order to avoid an automatic failing grade. A well developed research paper is useless, if it will not pass the test of a plagiarism checker.

With regards to your thesis statement. I am unclear as to what the purpose of this research is. You should work on properly outlining the points for discussion in the opening statement by presenting a proper thesis sentence towards the end of the paragraph. The thesis statement is what will tell me what the paper is all about, what its purpose is, and why this research paper is important to you and the reader. Without the thesis statement, the foundation of your research is weak and pointless.

The information you provide is not interesting and doesn't really hold the attention of the reviewer because, without the proper citations within the paper, it seems like you are just making up with information as you go along. Sometimes, a research paper is improved by the formatting requirements of in-text citations. It helps to remove the boredom caused by reading uniform paragraphs. The citations break the monotony of the writing and offers the readers a break in the reading process.

These observations should help you to better develop your research paper. Please make sure that you address the in-text citation problem the essay. If you have it cited in the reference list, it should also be cited within the research. Otherwise, the reader will wonder where that information was used, if at all.

Undergraduate / Different-an "other" which revealed to you your sense of self and your relationship to humanity [2]

Claudia, you have too many things going on in this essay. I realize that this trip left an impact upon you and helped you to learn more about yourself and your relationship to humanity but the discussion of that theme is lost in this essay. What you need to do is focus more on the events that happened to you during your time walking the streets alone. The reason I want you to do that is because the relevant information doesn't come in till that part of the essay. The inclusion of your travel companions and their attitudes did not really cause a relevant learning lesson on your part and yet, it manages to take up more than half the essay. It is important that you choose the focus of your discussion and center your essay around that theme. By doing so, you will be able to totally relate your experience to the instructions of the prompt and also, keep the reviewer interested in what you have to say. It is not enough to deliver the maximum word count if it causes a confusing and little relevant essay to be presented. You can present a relevant essay in 400 words. 600 is the maximum but not the goal here. The goal is to make sure that you are understood by the reader in as little words as possible. So if you can revise the essay to cover 500 words instead, you should be well within range and delivering a more focused response as well.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT ON WHY I SHOULD BE CONSIDERED FOR SCHOLARSHIP AT HERRIOT WATT UNIVERSITY. [3]

Huessein, if you want your application "pop" and be memorable to the reviewer, you need to remove the general presentation of your essay and instead, inform the reviewer about the reasons why you would make for a good scholarship candidate. For starters, you can discuss how you performed as a student in college. Specifically, if you had any notable academic accomplishments such as honors, awards, recognition, or breakthrough research in the field. From there, discuss your current job by highlighting the reasons why you believe that advanced studies in this field will benefit not only your career, by the development of this field as well. Perhaps you have a clean energy concept based on the foundation of petroleum engineering that you wish to pursue as an MSc student. What are your objectives for studying in this field at this university in particular that relate to that concept? Right now, the essay does not give the reviewer any specific information to base your application upon. It is boring, uninformative, and doesn't really portray you in the most impressive manner. Improve upon the presentation points that I mentioned and you should see a marked improvement in your scholarship essay almost immediately.

Research Papers / I need a peer review of a 10 page research paper about the effects of TV viewing on young children. [2]

Kassi, the firs thing that I noticed about this paper was that the title was misleading. If you are going to discuss the fact that television viewing can be beneficial to children, then lead into that with your opening statement. It is important that your thesis statement in the first paragraph reflect the title of your essay in some form. Your approach to the whole discussion is also problematic because of the focus on the disadvantages of television viewing for children for more than half the paper. In order to fix the presentation of the information and the discussion of the topic there are a number of things that you will have to do.

First, you will need to create a clear thesis statement that will outline the type of discussion you will be presenting. In order to do that, you have to make sure that you have picked the type of essay presentation that you will be using. I believe that you are using the cause and effect discussion when you should be doing either a persuasive or compare / contrast essay. The best method of discussing this in my opinion is the compare / contrast because you are presenting two conflicting discussions in your research. Just make sure that you are not going to try and influence the reader towards a particular side to support because that is not the purpose of a compare/contrast essay.

Next, don't leave the discussion of the positive aspect of television watching among children for the last half of the research. Rather, make that the focus of the information presentation from the very start, with references to the opposing point of view strewn between discussion paragraphs. that way you get to use all of the information you researched in a manner that will best suit the topic discussion.

Finally, decide upon the top 5 discussions for each side of the discussion and present those in the essay. Right now, the work is suffering from too much information and that is causing reader fatigue to set in. Which makes it nearly impossible for your target reader to complete reading your research. Keep it short but informative in order to hold on to the attention of your audience.

Writing Feedback / An essay about "How to Deal with Stress?" [3]

Connie, the main problem that this piece of writing has is related to the format. You need to divide the presentation into paragraphs and make sure that you discuss your related topics per paragraph. By outlining the discussion in that manner, you will allow the reader to properly follow the flow of your thought and also lessen the stress on the eyes which is created by the extremely tight writing on the page.

For the first paragraph, you need to develop a proper thesis statement to help introduce the reader to the discussion. Right now, there is no clear point to your writing. There are a few things that your opening statement has to clarify for the reader and that includes the following:

1. What is the topic you are discussing?
2. Why should I care about this topic?
3. What is your opinion on the topic?
4. How are you planning to discuss the topic?

By representing a response to those questions in your opening statement, you will be able to properly develop and present a more interesting discussion of your essay topic. At the moment, this presentation is all over the place and doesn't really make a valid point that the reader might care about.

Research Papers / Research paper about the life of a jazz musician in the 1920s [2]

Allison, you have not properly discussed this essay. The instructions asked you to choose one side of the 3 presented in the assignment as the main topic of your research. This is not a generalized research paper as you have currently written. This is more difficult to research and write because of the topic specific content. Pick one of the scenarios presented, research information about that situation during that era then draft your paper. As much as possible, do not mention a specific jazz performer from that time. The assignment does not require sick a focus coming from you. You must also create a more solid opening statement that introduced your assignment requirements without any quotes or actual information yet as this paragraph is a mere introduction to the research. That is a common mistake among students and it is that mistake that always makes the research presentation faulty. Please review the instructions and revise it accordingly.

Graduate / An email massage to a Professor seeking for his supervisor ship for Masters Degree in Engineering. [4]

Chuma, this is a very weak and impressive letter. I am also confused as to whether you are applying for a student aid position in the office of the professor of if you want to gain a with him as your thesis mentor. The tone is highly impersonal and the information about yourself does not offer anything unique about your research interests. Your student abilities will not impress the professor as there are many of you with the same qualifications. The only chance you have of holding the interest of this professor is if you can convince him that you have done similar interest in the field and that being a teaching Assurant for him will benefit your further research. Your current letter doesn't offer a personal insight as to how a teaching assistant position with this professor can increase your academic knowledge and training. Therefore, your letter may not be given serious consideration. I strongly suggest revising your content in a manner that connects your research interests with the professor's work. Along with that, play up your skills as his possible teaching assistant by discussing whatever unique but related skills, training, and previous experience you might have. Find reasons that will make you stand out sp we his teaching assistant. That cannot be read in this current letter.

Research Papers / Research paper for an English 102 class about the dangers of social media [2]

Cameron, you cannot quote actual information in your opening statement. That is not allowed in an academic paper because the opening statement is meant to be an introduction to the topic of your research and an outline of your planned discussion. Therefore, what you have to present in the first paragraph is an actual sentence that presents your research question such as "Does social media open up users to certain dangers?". Once that question is posted, you need to list the types of dangers that you will be discussing, in the order that your body paragraphs will be discussing the topics. If required, offer an idea as to what your personal opinion is and that it will be included in the discussion as well. The information your research contains is sound and valid. Those can be used in it's current form. It is the opening statement you need to fix or improve upon..

Research Papers / Should Parents Vaccinate Their Children Rough Draft. Need help on content and in-text citations [2]

Ryan, your thesis statement is not clear on the first paragraph of the essay. While you did present the topic for discussion, you did not explain the point of your research and the information that you will be presenting in the first paragraph. There is no reason for your research. It doesn't have a purpose. It would also be better if you provide a summary of the childhood vaccines given instead of this very lengthy discussion. I suggest that you try to outline your topics for discussions first so that you can figure out which are the important and related parts of your research for presentation. You are running to long in your paragraphs which makes it difficult to read. Try to summarize your statements as best as possible. Narrow down your content so that your discussion will be easier to follow. Focus on only one aspect of the vaccination discussion so that reader fatigue will not set in. At the moment the paragraphs are to long, the quotes too often instead of far between, and there is clear confusion as to the point of all this research sure to the lack of a thesis statement and general topic discussion outline.

Graduate / The reason to choose SMIB program. [4]

Tran, remove the opening sentence and closing sentence. Those are not necessary to the presentation of your discussion and only takes up valuable word count in the statement. Unless, the person you mention in the essay is willing to vouch for your discussions with him and / or write you a recommendation letter, do not use his name as a reference in the essay. Mentioning his name sounds like you are trying to gain undue advantage due to your familiarity with an employee of the university when compared to other applicants. Removing that reference and combining the remaining paragraph with the paragraph about another reason you chose to attend SMIB will provide the most relevant and usable statement of response for this prompt requirement. It doesn't need to be overly descriptive. Your simple response actually helps to deliver a better idea as to what criteria you used to choose your business school. Which is something that the reviewers value when reading the responses to this question.

Scholarship / Brunel University - Country Specific Scholarship [4]

Eng, explain more about your profession and why you communicate with foreigners daily. How has that experience prepared you for your masters degree studies? You have presented a good draft essay. It cannot be considered to be an essay in it's final form because it lacks evidentiary data to support your claims. A strong essay of this type should present one of each suggested achievement type in order to prove your mettle as a leader in the past, your present, and possibly, future. While your essay is nicely worded, it doesn't offer much in terms of real world application on your end. It is the actual application of your ambassadorial skills in your current profession that can spell the difference between your successful or unsuccessful application essay. It will be necessary for you to revise your first paragraph in order to accommodate the suggested revision points.

Essays / What kind of arguments would you write to this topic "Multiculturalism causes Nationalism"? [3]

Luka, I would discuss this argumentative essay by first, learning the actual meaning of Multiculturalism. What does it mean officially? What does it mean to most people? What does it mean to immigrants? After I figure that out, I will then do research on the meaning of nationalism. After coming to understand the individual meaning of the words, I would then look into information about how these two specific ideologies are developed and promoted in society. I would look for common factors that might provide a connection between multiculturalism and nationalism. If I find one or two connections, I would use those information to create my thesis statement. Upon the creation of the thesis statement, the research that I did, prior to the development of the statement, will be the basis for my research outline and presentation. You are not asking the right question at the moment. Before you can ask the question, you first, need to show that you understand the work required in order to present a properly researched argumentative essay.

Scholarship / AAS Supporting statement No.4. Practical examples of how you intend to use the knowledge [4]

Your examples are fantastic. The manner by which you wish to use the knowledge you will be gaining is admirable. However, you are being a bit arrogant by saying that there are no problems in the implementation of your plans that you will not be able to handle. There are no situations that are problem free. Specially when trying to implement changes or other plans that should help to modernize Mongolian law practice. Therefore, it would be in your best interest to explain what these "minor" problems are and explain how you plan to get around it or change the system. You cannot make it seem like you can handle everything because these problems will also call upon the knowledge that you are about to collect from the university during your studies. Therefore, you need to reflect these problems and proposed solutions. Without it, the response you are providing is incomplete and as such, will not really be impressive to the reviewer.

Scholarship / In which way this study will enhance your chance for a great career? [2]

Husam, your essay concentrates too much on hypothetical situations instead of real world applications. Since this is a masters degree program, the reviewer will assume that you currently work in a profession that will benefit from these studies that you will be completing. There is no sense of a possible career direction or applicability of your studies within your current position in the essay. A proper response to this essay would correspond with your future plans. This is not about "will have" but rather "I will". What are your plans for applying what you have learned in this sector? How will this enhance your future career? Talk about your future career goals and the relevance of these studies to achieving them. If you have a specific situation that this additional education will address, include that discussion in the essay. Don't hypothesize. Be specific regarding your future plans based upon the completion of these studies. It is about how you will apply these information to your job. It is not about making your CV look good. Using that line of reasoning means you do not have a job at the moment so what is the sense in these advanced studies then?