Writing Feedback / 'Budget cuts' - the leading problem facing our eduactional system today? [2]

Budget cuts have been the leading problem facing our educational system today. When the state of California announced a four billion dollar budget cut, many Californians have raised questions about this measure. Budget cuts in education will mean less funding for students in classrooms, the classrooms will have a bigger student population and the school maintenance will have less spending.

Budget cuts in education in California will not benefit the students.

In the final analysis, budget cuts in education will bring disaster to the students.

If California wants to succeed, the public school system must be a priority and the only way this can be accomplished, is proper funding for public schools.

:)

Writing Feedback / Datong District, the oldest district of Taipei City, is my hometown. [3]

In addition, there are a wide variety of programs offered by community colleges , such as second languages, sports, art and so on. However, those colleges are far from our community, so it is not convenient for us to take classes there.

Senior citizens may find themselves living a more enjoyable and fulfilling life in school and also make new friends. Community colleges provide retirees a place to start a new life.

Compared with most private schools, ...

For instance, some of them may take English courses for preparing an official English test;..

For the above reasons, I strongly believe that establishing a community college would be of great benefit to my hometown.

Writing Feedback / Passion for a subject or cause? UD Essay Help [2]

Over the past sixteen years of doctor visits, ...

I was too young to understand why Sam was always sick and going to the hospital.

...my dream of pursuing a profession in the medical field ...

I believe my passion of becoming a physical therapist is an obtainable goal.

without the assistance of anyone or any thing.

Cool ending!

:)

Writing Feedback / US Space Project - English CLEP essay (space exploration!) [2]

Space exploration has made information available to us that previously unimaginable.

Issues like hunger, disease, global warming ...

...to be of higher priority than space exploration.

Also, we have refugees in terror infested countries...

...should be cut down to a minimum and use our resources for salvation of earth first.

Good points, I agree with you!

:)

Writing Feedback / Research Paper (Argument)-Reflections of Society in Children's Literature [2]

I thought the opening paragraph was fine, and your intention clearly stated in the last sentence.

Though still not equal, the perception of women's roles today appears less stereotypical than in the past.

Children's literature reflects the times ...this sentence was started with the word 'furthermore' and I took it out because it was used a couple other times, and seemed repetitive.

For the most part, alternative family units were greatly opposed by past societies.

Good subject and nicely written. (And I agree with you!)

:)

Essays / Essay about Superstition, how to start it? [5]

I would start by throwing some salt over my left shoulder and circling my desk three times! Just kidding...
I think you should start by listing some odd superstitions from around the world, and reasons why they might have developed. This can be a fun and interesting essay! You could ask people you know to describe any superstitions they or older relatives have. My grandmother was very superstitious, she would not have any picture depicting birds in her house, got upset when people she loved wore pearls, ("pearls are for tears", she said)

have fun and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "to America from Ethiopia" - uc prompt #1 [2]

was propelled by my mother's willingness to patiently answer all my questions.

I am not a five year old anymore, and I understand that helping people is more than "cool". Part of being a doctor is the ability to provide service and support to those who need it and to help them understand themselves.Part of that is receiving the satisfaction of helping someone, and the other part of that is the intellectual stimulus of science.

Didn't know what prompt 1 was, so just made a few adjustments.

:)

Writing Feedback / Haitian immigrants and their choice to struggle for better life-essay check [2]

The lives of immigrants are very difficult and filled with many hardships.

In "Brother I`m Dying" Edwidge Danticat shows the sacrifices made by the first generation of immigrants and their struggle for a better future for their children.

keep their love between long distance calls and hand-written letters.

...learning to look forward even after even worst things have happened.

Therefore immigration is the choice of many people and most of the time is the right choice.

Children of immigrants are often left in the care of grandparents and other relatives.

As an immigrant feelings of homesickness and homelessness never leave me.

Her great memoir is keeping them alive. Although immigration is not only difficult and hard at times,it`s a big step for future second generation immigrants.

:)

Research Papers / qualitative and quantitative methods - Need help on a thesis statement [2]

The purpose of this research project is to explore the ways in which fear of terrorism has changed the way college students think of airline travel. The researcher will use qualitative methods, because she is interested in learning about the subjective opinions of the people involved.

The above is just something I cam up with to help you. Qualitative research is focused on understanding people's opinions and views, whereas quantitative research deals with numbers, quantities... and produces statistics. Qualitative is more fun. That is just my opinion.

Use the format above to get started.

Choose a thesis statement that can be tested. In qualitative work, sometimes the thesis can take the form of a question. Try googling "qualitative" and "sample" together to find a qualitative study to read.

Faq, Help / EF categories - where to post my work? [8]

Hi, please check out our terms of service.

And as for your 20 page paper, you can post it right into the appropriate forum, Graduate Coursework. The moderators will not be able to edit the whole thing, but other members will help, too.

You can get other students to help by clicking on "unanswered" and giving feedback, and then asking that person to check out your post. Additionally, we will spend some time with your 20 page paper -- we just cannot edit the whole thing because of time constraints.

thanks!!!

Kevin

Dissertations / Lit. Review & Objectives - questions [3]

1) Hi, if you are doing a lit review for a particular class, the class probably has some submission guidelines that go with it. However, the idea of a lit review is to 1.) show the state of modern understanding with regard to the topic, 2.) show where your particular study fits in, and how it will make a unique contribution, and 3.) show that important things have been written about it... that it is an important subject.

So, you get to ENJOY writing the literature review... Explain the studies that have already been done, and how they relate to your own meaningful topic.

As for worrying about plagiarism, you can feel pretty confident that if you write it yourself it will be unique. If you want, do a google search for a few sentences of it to see if it comes up in a search. Put the sentences in quotation marks.

2) How is this study going to improve our understanding? How is it going to improve our understanding of children's literature? Answer that question, and that is why. How will it IMPROVE OUR PRACTICE?

3) Do a google search, also use Google Scholar.

Writing Feedback / This is an description essay about my bedroom [3]

The computer is known as a programmable machine.

First, the computer:

I command the function keys to contact the central processing unit to perform a demand, ...

Second, The Duct Grill, I have a 1930s duct grill inside my wall to heat my room, but it is not in use .

In fact, I found a photograph ...

In short, the room was designed to develop character by gripping ...

:)

Scholarship / Extracurricular Activity Essay for CommApp- Scholars' Bowl [2]

"Let's get this question", I thought.

My team's stoic attitude was immediately replaced by pure exultation, and I was immediately recognized asas having the most epic buzz in quiz bowl history.

In the last paragraph, you mention the 'secret of luck' and left out any mention of studying, was that on purpose? :)

Undergraduate / UC #1: Caring for my grandparents [2]

She taught me morals at a young age.

As other teenagers spent their Friday nights at the movies,...

Very nice ending.

:)

Undergraduate / Smile and the World Smiles With You ut a essay [2]

In the first paragraph, the name Stacey was used five times. I think you should change three of them to 'she' or 'her' to avoid repetitiveness.

I kept trying to figure out how she could affect someone in such a way as to cause their mood to do a complete one eighty.

Although the guests were angry with what was going on, Tracey's attitude was able to diffuse their anger.

Great ending paragraph!

:)

Writing Feedback / how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented [3]

I admire her very much, and hope to be as great a talent as she is .

...me complete my experiments or projects to great satisfaction.

In the future, I hope to be engaged in chemical studies, and apply the achievements to construction engineering.

My former teacher mentioned its Engineering Department on more than one occasion . The experienced faculty and excellent facilities there are what I am longing for. Moreover, an impressive number of graduates from University of Washington achieve great success in their respective fields.

Good ending!

:)

Undergraduate / Three essays, choose the one you like best to edit! "Person You Are" [5]

Wow, these are all great. I liked the second one best...you had me from the word 'crap'. It was funny and touching, and made you seem like a very real and likable person.

Good writing!

:)

Undergraduate / Self-Reliance Common App Essay; team leader for Safe Rides [2]

Quickly, I learned that reading Self-Reliance itself, would not and did not change me.

To be self-reliant meant that first I had to accept what was out of my control.

In becoming self-reliant, I finally feel as if I have some control of the navigation of my life. My internalized beliefs have come out in my actions.

I think you might only need a couple more sentences at the end, telling how relying on yourself, and following your heart have helped you in some other area (s).

:)

Undergraduate / Prompt #1 [transfer] different majors for 2 different schools only 1 prompt [2]

my interest is more directed toward how individual behavior is affected by its influence.

I do so with the purpose of gaining insight into the creative natures of people outside the scope of my own culture.

Wow, you are a great writer.
:)

Letters / " extraordinary young man" ;recommendation letter by homeroom teacher [2]

Several times , his language teachers celebrated his essays and stories as the best in the class.

He does not believe that a students' background, or culture should prevent them from becoming friends.

XXX tries very hard to bring his classmates from all over the world together as a group.

Wonderful letter of recommendation, and he's very lucky to have had such a caring teacher.
:)

Undergraduate / UC Gaining study skills for success [2]

I had not known about or developed the study skills that I needed for the college success.

One of my proudest accomplishments has been learning to develop the...

Good writing, interesting, and I could not find much to change.

:)

Undergraduate / College Essay: experience or achievement, Revise Needed! [2]

My most significant achievement has been becoming a member of Best Buddies International club at John A. Ferguson Senior High school and eventually earning the position of Vice President.

Victor has taught me more than any other friend I have ever had,

I only changed a couple minor things. I enjoyed the essay, nicely written ...good subject you chose!

:)

Writing Feedback / Should teachers permit to teach if they don't have teacher's certification [2]

Teacher education has always played an important role in determining student outcomes. To be certified in Illinois, teachers must pass the Basic Skills Tests, which includes grammar, math, reading, and one of 53 subject tests. According to the publishing by Chicago Sun-Times in 2001, Illinois' schools have too many teachers and that they have trouble teaching children since most teachers continue to teach without certification, permitted to run classrooms with misguided notions. Teachers play an important role in the education of our society. In my opinion, if the teachers don't pass the certification tests, they should not be permitted teach children in school.

Very interesting, and nice ending! Good job.

:)

Undergraduate / "a camper" - common app essay. really horrible 1st draft. [4]

My potential to contribute to the diversity of a college community is shown

These responsibilities also helped me prepare for college life, in the sense that I might end up living at a dorm.

Nice essay, now wrap it up in the closing paragraph by saying something from the heart about this diversity you bring.

Writing Feedback / The Watergate paper feedback [2]

Nice job. I did not find errors, but I guess it would be great to have a bit of philosophical reflection about it. A good paper has a meaningful theme, a thesis that is "argued" from beginning to end. This paper will do well, for sure, but it will be good to use your excellent writing skills to write papers that accomplish 2 things: Tell the information, and convey some truth. You should convey the information in a way that illustrates a point that you are trying to make.

I hope that makes sense. The difference between a good paper and a great paper is that a great paper changes the reader's ideas about something.

Undergraduate / my prompt for uc undergrad - "your most defining quality" [3]

TheFlameProof, thanks for participating the way you do, and mustering up collaboration. Your sincere feedback is great.

Sadia, here is a way to improve that part where you say you had nothing to offer:

The most common and by far the most difficult question in my mind is "what is your most defining quality?" This question has troubled me for months. I pondered long and hard about what I would write, and I came to a sad conclusion: I thought that I had nothing very special to offer. This changed when a friend pointed something out about me. My cultural background is a huge part of who I am.

Undergraduate / The challenges and obstacles I had faced in high school- UC transfer prompt [3]

In the past years, I blamed my mother's lack of support and made it an excuse for my falling grades. I now realize that the motivation has to come from my own aspiration, not my anyone else's support. My own aspiration is to discover many unknown facts, understand other people and culture in more depth, and be able to make better choices through my life. The past few years' experience has given me an opportunity to look at things differently and strength to fight during hard times.

Wow, you write very well. Sorry you are far from home and without peers to consult! Some of the Essay Forum members participate quite regularly, and you can, too.

Undergraduate / The irrevocable statement of John Hersey "success starts with a failure" is locomotion of achievers. [12]

I love the title, and Neva's corrections are very good. Do you know any other important sayings of Lao Tzu?

Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

This is well-written!

You can take this part:

Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class.[...] Eventually, I overcame these difficulties with my persistence and determination.

And replace it with one good sentence about your preconceived idea about geography... the way you had been intimidated by it, and why.

Here is some improvement:

I never gave up my desire to learn and succeed, but I also realized that I would not have overcome these tough moments without the support of my teacher, Mrs. Jorden and my classmates.

Undergraduate / Korea - Rutgers Essay [4]

Great proofreading by Neva and lovelovelife92.

Also:

My first experience with the World Cup and my pride for Korea have helped shape me into a better student -- and a better person. Participating in school sports has helped me maintain good grades and it even helped me elevate to a higher level of education. Not only did sports help me get into better classes, but they also motivated me to participate in clubs, such as Science Club, Math Club, Student Council and much more. Overall , I became a better person.

My new confidence has turned me around 180 degrees, and I was uplifted by this recent compliment from a friend: "I will be forever jealous of you because you have the ability to become friends with everyone around you." My friend's words haven proven to be true, and I do believe that my presence will make a difference the community offered by Rutgers University.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Zoos have no useful purpose. Agree/disagree [4]

No, I only know about editing. However, I know some Native speakers of English who do not write as well.

Undergraduate / My parents are my motivation to be a hard-working, determined, and versatile student [4]

I attended both schools and found it hard sometimes to balance the schoolwork that came with that duel enrollment. My American school was located in the center of Chinatown and was populated mostly by children from Chinese backgrounds.

I began liking my American school even more, because the teachers would make us present in front of the class. I was sometimes reluctant to present, but other times I found it fun, and it has really helped shed my fear of speaking to large crowds.

Thanks for posting, good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Hoang the Headless Chicken" - Common App Personal Essay [7]

Sorry I missed the opportunity to comment last night. About the contractions, the thing to think of is that some readers believe that you shouldn't use them. I would refer for everyone to just keep it real, and write like they talk, but college is sometimes about appeasing people and conforming to their expectations.

:)

Undergraduate / "America can change. Yes we can." UC #1 [5]

Cool, I bet they'll love it.

Thanks!!!!

Research Papers / Catch-22 Major Research Paper; "Generals Die in Bed" [7]

I like the outline...

Also, have you ever read either of these books?

Nope.

Is it fine to write generally about war, faith and then bring forth the characters from the books and their role towards each category?

It is probably better to show the teacher, in the opening paragraph, that you are writing about the correct subject. Use an opening paragraph that says what you are going to "argue" in the paper, and then set up the rest of the paper to support your "argument." It's not really an argument, but you need to convey soe eaningful insight that you got from the reading.

Also, It depends on how you transition from paragraph to paragraph. When professors ask you to use a logical order for writing, it is so that you can guide the reader through a meaningful process.

Finally, would it be logical to write about post-war trauma and death after the characters are introduced?

In this novel, the religious character, Anderson, is a relatively minor character, but what he represents is very important. Throughout the novel, Anderson prays to survive and overcome the war. Consistently he is seen doing this and in the end Anderson dies just like the rest of the soldiers, thus showing that religion certainly does not protect them. Now, right here, say something that applies to both books. Wrap up your intro paragraph by connecting the books together. In that connection is your theme.

Undergraduate / 'task beyond expectation' - Bioengineering Major [UC Prompt #1 transfer] [3]

While shadowing Dr. Karim Shaikley, of Upland Orthopedic Clinic, at Alta Loma Hospital, I witnessed the 'hidden technology' embedded in many orthopedic patients. I was informed that in many cases the technology used was vital to the success of the surgery.

This is great, thanks for posting!

Undergraduate / 'A cultural center for college students' - Why Boston University? [7]

Wow, great essay. No mistakes. I hope you do well at BU!

Graduate / Wholesale Manager - Help : Statement of Purpose [3]

Hi Pavan! Use Google to look for some samples of statements of purpose, so you can see how other people approached it. Then, you can get inspired for your own.

Undergraduate / The way of life-----UC PROMPT #2 [5]

Oh yeah, it does sound like a line from the eminem movie! Anyway, I don't think it's exactly the same, so it's alright... unless you rap it, I suppose!

So, I found no errors, but we can improve this:

There are many other subtle areas of my life to which the principle of this art applies. Though originally written about combat, a quote from Musashi's A Book of Five Ringsis universally true: "The end point is the beginning, great virtue is simplicity." These words have already cast an indelible imprint on me.

Undergraduate / student government - CommonApp EC Activity SHORT! [4]

It would be cool and lively to use an exclamation mark, here:

What a success it was, too! my classmates and I managed to organize the largest, most expensive prom in our school's history.

Also, you might want to add one more sentence at the end so that it does not end up having been all about the prom. Wrap it up with a profound sentence of reflection!

:)