Writing Feedback / The mass media: TV, radio and newspapers, have great influence on people's ideas [5]


Even though you feel like you are saying "There are...problems," This sentence actually says, "There are a...number," which is incorrect.

You should just write
There are many...
There is an enormous amount of ...
or
There is a number of ....
That is a strange rule to try to follow.

Moreover, most of us contend debate whether a social event is good or not, and our views depend substantially on what experts analyze in the media.

:-)

Writing Feedback / China, TOEFL-iBT integrated writing- Macro Polo [5]

In reaction to the issue of whether Marco Polo had traveled to China or not, the author of the article is of the opinion that actually he did not visit China by offering clues involving three aspects- Mongolian place-names, Chinese culture and ancient recordings. However, such facets are now being challenged by the lecturer, who deeply believes that the opposite is true. ---This paragraph is very unclear. First of all, if you're referring to a specific article or story, you should say the name of it. Also you started with, "In reaction to..." Should is read, "In regards to...?

First of all, the lecturer argues that even though Marco Polo, who supposedly lived in China for seventeen years, failed to pick up...

...the name of locations and directions were written in Persian,---The Persian language is Farsi.

...this evidence is not strong enough to belie the fact that he had been to China.

Thus, it is totally reasonable to borrow Chinese place-names from the Persian source.---good point!

Finally, consider the doubt as to why the name Marco Polo did not exist in Chinese documents, as the professor states.

It is possible that the name was referred to a distinct form that historians have a difficult time deciphering.

Undergraduate / Rising above in MCJROTC (the Naval Academy / character development and integrity) [2]

The following year upon registering for high school, my mother and I noticed that the school had a Marine JROTC program which I happily signed up for .

Being part of the MCJROTC program, ---no comma here.

... than I ever though possible and developed a strong bond with many other cadets.

I accepted a promotion that I wasn't truly ready for and I also foolishly passed up N.A.S.S. and Boy State for myself. also.

I had spent so much time worrying about how to be a good leader that I never tried to lead my own way.

My growth and change in leadership style is what earned me my following promotion.

Many people have put their faith in me and I won't let them down, but most importantly I won't let myself down ever again.

USNA will push me to my limits so that I may redefine them and continue to grow into a confident strong young man of character. --good sentence!

Nicely done! Good luck in school.
:)

Undergraduate / "the Robotics and Mechatronics Specialization in the CSE program" Stanford essays [2]

Life is a journey, and mine took a turn for a new phase of my life when I got admitted to Georgia Tech.

I got to learn many things in a wide variety of fields while I was pursuing my studies in High School.

From there I came to know my area of interest in the Electronics field.

The subjects that were offered to me there helped me learn new things and expanded my knowledge and horizons.

The thing which actually piqued my attention was the robotics course I took in my freshman year.

It brought new dimensions of innovation for me.

My love developed into a passion during my internship with N.M. Automation in the summer of 2010.

Here are some small things I found to correct, and I think you should add one more sentence at the end, it seems to end rather abruptly.

:)

Undergraduate / Passion for Construction - Texas SOP [3]

Hi Sean,
Let's make it subtler here:
My goal is that you, the people that hold I hope the people who can empower me to realize my cherished vision will accept my efforts.

I have excelled as the construction manager for a large residential construction firm, Pyramid Homes, and this is relevant to what I am talking about because _______.----This is how to tighten up the presentation.

continue: ...My duties included overseeing the construction of homes in three subdivisions along with building custom homes scattered throughout East Texas. I love taking...

I have established myself as a respectable member of the building community where I live, and I am using this topic sentence to introduce this paragraph because it supports the theme of my essay.... ----Every time you start a paragraph, link it to the main idea of the paper, which is expressed in the introduction.

You should always stay mindful of your theme, and relate every paragraph to that main theme when you write your topic sentence.
:-)

It should be noted that I accomplished all of these feats while maintaining my grades at Tyler Junior College and supporting my wife and two children, and I earn the right to include mention of this in the essay by making a connection between this observation about my accomplishments and the THEME I established to make this essay memorable.

This is already very impressive; I was just trying to share an insight about the usefulness of a theme to which all supporting ideas relate.

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in this world -- What are they? UChicago essay. [5]


Nice!

...had to hire an animal doctor to kill him peacefully so he wouldn't die painfully on his own. ---- great approach here... this sentence is written perfectly.

It was tragic and I was very heartbroken and cried a great deal, but I got to spend ten years with him, so I guess it's okay that he died on my 20th birthday. ---I don't want to mess with the excellent writing style, but you have a verb tense problem. But that is like.. part of what is great about it. But anyway, you should write, "... but I had gotten to spend..."

As far as The Great Gatsby is concerned, I actually can't truthfully claim to have read it. I don't know what it's about, but if I were a betting man I would wager that it's pretty good since a great deal of high school English teachers attempt to get their students to read it every year.---what!!??

Oh, I think it would be so funny if this paragraph was included in an essay that is supposed to be about The Great Gatsby. If this was for an essay assignment about that book, it would be a really funny thing for a student to write so eloquently about not having read the book.

There are two types of people in this world -- people who think there are two types of people in the world, and people who think there are more than two types of people in the world.

Alright, well you are a creative genius. And if you want to tighten it up even more, the next step is to tighten up the relationship of the content to the thesis.

Like, it's obvious that you wrote about whatever you wanted to write about and then related it to the theme. But I think you can maybe improve this by... using the word "types" a few times throughout the essay? I think that might be the solution. Let the reader feel the theme being carved out.

This is great stuff and we are lucky to have you here! Please help some people on the unanswered list. They need your advice! You just accomplished something great... recycling inspiration. You took energy from Vonegut, transformed it, and pass it on to us. I'm going to go create something with it.

Writing Feedback / The Effect of Global Warming, is it changing our life? [6]

For example, it can have an effect on the Carbon cycle in an interactive feedback process.

Finally, climate change have an effect on Health health. Cardiovascular and respiratory diseases are increased because of...


This is a very good way to explain the problem. This is a complex subject that you need to explain a lot more.

I see that you are unsure about the capitalization...
In conclusion, Global global warming is changing our lives .

Global warming is something that would be happening even without human activity. It's natural. BUT humans seem to be speeding up the process of warming, and it is dangerous because of positive feedback mechanisms that can make a chain reaction that changes the planet a lot. Besides, we need renewable energy anyway for when we run out of fossil fuels.

Undergraduate / "When I came to Canada..." - additional info - university of waterloo [4]


Wow, this is so interesting. If I had to go to a culture where it is disrespectful to make eye contact, I think I would offend a lot of people. I would not be able to remember to avoid eye contact! :-)

The ending is great. I love that sentence. Here, I'll make a little change:
Although I still make some mistakes now , I am feeling more confident than ever.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-should teenagers learn all school subjects/focus on one subject [4]

Yep, Dumi is great. Hey, do you have questions about the corrections? Are you able to type the essay again and use the suggestions that you want to follow?

Please type it again to practice, and we will see if you still have errors.

I like dumi's suggestion for the beginning, and here is an idea about the end:
It is undeniable that concentrating on one subject can reduce students' pressure and develop talents, but its shortfalls pertain to the substance of the student's education. A narrow focus limits one's perspective.

the effectiveness in training talents , Therefore, I do support the view of learning all school subjects.

Research Papers / IETLTS Task 1; Charts on Adult Edcuation / Reasons & Attitudes regarding cost sharing [5]

A total of 161 people expressed their opinions.

Personal interests in subject has the most fans, because the number is twice as much as the group who wanted to improve ...

They are followed by the second largest reason for continuing education, which had 38 people who agreed that their purpose was to gain professional qualification. Twenty-two adults think it is helpful in their current job.

Very few adults, the group with only 9 people, preferred to explore their network by meeting people in the classroom.

:- ) This kind of writing is hard!

Writing Feedback / Tuition's hike shouldn't be implemented in some state universities. [3]

I'm not sure what the beginning of this is supposed to say...
Low of tuition! Should it say ...
Lower tuition!
or
Low tuition!

If it gonna not a real word.
If it is going to be implemented, probably students will continue to appeal, do illegal action, and the worst is that they stop studying.
Practice typing this sentence this way.

It is sought ?? that our country suffers from poverty.

... if the government limits the chances of obtaining it?

Education is ought for the students willing to take it on. ---Here is another one that I am not sure how to fix. Maybe... Education is the right of every student willing to take it on.

So, government officials must lessen increasing of avoid increasing tuition, because...

:-) I hope that helps!

Writing Feedback / To better the society off, people need to watch over the decisions that their leaders are making. [3]

However, it is always important for people to point out the misleading because sometimes society progresses when things are getting questioned. ----This is a good theme.

Now, you should check to see if each paragraph starts with a sentence that shows the truth of that theme.
The PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES should support the thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Also, don't say it this way: To better the society off, people need to watch over the decisions that their leaders are making. As soon as the erroneous, injustice and flaw

Society is better off when people watch over the decisions that their leaders are making. As soon as an erroneous, injustice unjust, or flawed ruling is made, people should have their say courageously and fearlessly to win over what is best for them.

Nice! I like the way you write.

Writing Feedback / Students usually love a teacher with humor - he is closer to his students and teaches better [4]

Great suggestions here. You should challenge yourself! Try to type the essay and use Kathy's corrections. If you make another post, I will look to see if you still have errors.

This one is confusing:
On one hand, students usually love a teacher with humor and being easygoing because they are funny, close to students, full of creativity internally, and they are not bored like students' parents.

On one hand, students usually love a teacher with humor and being an easygoing attitude, because they are funny, close to students, and full of creativity internally, and also because they are not bored like students' parents.

Writing Feedback / 'young have longer lifetime left' - young people or old people enjoy life better [3]

Yes, put a space after periods, commas, and all other punctuation. Good question!

Here is a quick lesson on the way you are using "approach." The topic can be approach approached.
I can approach a topic. The topic can be approached. You should use the "ed" to accomplish what you are trying to do in that sentence.

...eighty year-old woman.

As for me, I could schedule my life and make great plans, like travelling to Japan in two years, buying a new car in five years, getting married in ten years, and climbing the highest mountain in China in twenty years.

Great job!!

Writing Feedback / Schools should fund the classes and extracurricular activities with the same money [8]

One more idea:


This is okay, but it is not the BEST way to end the first paragraph. It is best if you can write a sentence that sums up the main idea of the whole essay. That way, at the end of the first paragraph this sentence will make the reader aware of the main point you are writing about.

Writing Feedback / "Information described as 'factual' - skepticism" - GRE Analytical Writing [4]


How many more theories out there are ready to be proven inaccurate?

If you use the same word in 2 different ways in a sentence, it is confusing. In the first sentence, you did that twice:
Although many scientific theories exist today - and many people often believe them to be true - there are also cases in which this is not the case theory is based on misconception.

Even a more An even queerer phenomenon would be quantum physics.

This essay is very impressive; you could not have written it without a lot of scientific knowledge.
:-)

Writing Feedback / THE CAVE- Creative Writing [2]

The only sound to be heard was the constant and monotonous dripping of the wet patch on the roof. ---It sounds more dramatic this way.

The water was discoloured by the dirt and mud. The creature noticed the small rocks falling from the roof ...I'm not sure 'roof' is the correct word for the top of the cave.

They were significantly stronger than the creature, and had a massive advantage due to their size.

It was too afraid to confront them and instead hid in his corner curled up like a cocktail shrimp. ---Nice!!

It had hardly eaten in the last couple of days.

Its anorexic figure left his cheeks puckered up and his ribs being able to be visible through his chest.

The next morning the creature felt a flood of light shining in his eyes.

Soon the whole cave would be brought down if they continued. fighting.

The boy quietly walked up to his mother and asked her , 'Mummy are you OK? Why is Daddy leaving? Will he be coming back?'

This is awesome! I love the turn it takes at the end, when everything changes and one sentence transforms the whole essay. You're a great writer!

Undergraduate / "I must stand up for myself and have morals" UCF (environment and qualities) [2]

2. Like most kids, I was raised in a house with my parents and siblings. --I think this should say, "...with my parents and one sibling" (or sister or brother) or 'siblings'.

Being from such an intolerable ---should this say 'intolerant'? Though I guess if the Klan lives there, it IS intolerable.

neighborhood, I have developed a clear sense of acceptance and tolerance .

... and when I couldn't avoid it, I decided not to do anything that would make me look seem out of place with a bunch of rednecks and hicks.

I no longer voiced my opinions for equality, and kept my mouth shut just to protect myself and my family, and rage grew within me all the while.---nice sentence!

Wow, this is powerful stuff, good for you. We need so many more people like you in the world.

4.
Throughout all of that, one thing that I have kept intact is my code of ethics.

Good job on your essays, you're an excellent writer. Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Writing Feedback / whether to allocate a huge of money for defense is right policy [4]

Another argument is that whether its citizens are saved from threats abroad when its investment in defense can cause an arms race in region and bad relationships with the neighboring nations.

In conclusion , I contend that big investment in defense isn't the best way of spending national budget.

Undergraduate / "Walk with me!" - Is this a good introduction U chicago? [3]

Let's change "being that" to simply "because"...

First I need some tools to carve a small passage way to let you in, but I must warn you it might take a while being that I spent years, building this wall. As you can see it is built with the finest materials and is truly a master piece in its self itself.

... from, "What doesn't kill you...

I like the way you write!!

Undergraduate / "I am normally a more than confident person" - Common app. transfer essay [3]

The introduction has sentences with a haunting rhythm! I love it.

Use "and" here:
I was standing at the bottom of a hill with a suitcase, terrified of what sat at the top. Although it was sunny and warm I had chills going down my spine, and to me it was...

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
Doing this all over again will be a challenge, but it is ...

This is a step I need to take, because I am ...

I think you should give more discussion of your career objectives and your specific goals. What have you been reading? What about your areas of specialization and special interest? Let's see your future.

Undergraduate / "Art is always closely connected with me" MICA admission essays [3]

Do not capitalize here:
In fact, There there are many...

For example, When when I am deeply impressed...

One of the greatest young artists who have inspired me...

Looking back on my entire life, art is always closely connected with me close to my heart, because ...-----I don't like the way it sounds when you use "closely connected with me"

This seems very sincere and inspired!

Writing Feedback / "Be Weary of their Expectations" - a draft, persuasive essay about expectations [4]

This seems like a terrible thing to say after Kathy probably spent 20 minutes helping you. And your comment doesn't even really make sense.

Your essay expresses ideas quite clearly. This sentence is a boring cliche, though:
Everyone should realize that they only have one life to live.

As for the main idea, the words conventional & unconventional come to mind. I like the concept.

Writing Feedback / Undergraduates should have part-time jobs [3]

...students surveyed working part-time jobs.

Some people oppose to letting undergraduates' have part-time jobs, since they...

Moreover, undergraduates must spend a bigger sum of money for medical treatment for diseases caused by heavy drink. ---Ha ha, good point!

However, in order to balance between work and study, undergraduates should be wise in choosing ...

You write very well!

Undergraduate / "Write Your Heart Out" - FIT Essay [6]

Here is a nice way to transition into your conclusion:
My aunt was once a student at FIT and she still speaks highly about the school that got her a wonderful job, to this day. Ever since I heard 'fashion' in Fashion Institute of Technology, I've only dreamed of being in FIT with a life-changing education and a bright future. FIT is the root of many notable fashion designers', fashion directors', and magazine editors' careers and I hope one day, I will be able to be on that list.

It is not impressive to talk about your aunt. That may be an ACTUAL reason you decided to apply, but in this essay you should include only the most impressive stuff. This sentence about being on the list is interesting and well-written! So... begin the conclusion there. :-)

Undergraduate / "Marketing and Advertising has changed my life" - FIT Entrance Essay. [4]

I'm pretty sure all of my fellow applicants write these essays explaining how their life long dream is coming true. Well my dream just started about 2 years ago.--I really like this part. I think the first paragraph has too many sentences, though... one-too-many. It is cliche to talk about all the things one wanted to be when growing up. But I really like these two sentences! Very clever.

I like your writing style! Here is a run on sentence, though: It was love at first sight, unfortunately I was torn...

Alright... nice job. I think they will know that you have a lot of potential for success in this or any field that requires you to connect with people in good communication. You have an engaging style.

Essays / Using three different stories on how they relate to loneliness and isolation, start? [3]

It starts with the reading, and as you read you might get a great insight. That is the process. Read with an inquisitive mind contemplating loneliness. Soon, you will think of a brilliant sentence about the way loneliness is expressed in the book.

Before you start to read, read a few reviews of these books. It will help you to know how to write about them... if you see how other people have written about them.

So... just read a review of the Achebe book, and then start reading one of the chapters. Soon, you will think of a great insight to share. A great insight may require a few sentences of explanation. That will become a paragraph. When you have written a bunch of insightful body paragraphs, you can start thinking about how you will write your intro paragraph.

:-)

Graduate / (applying for the Masters of Art in Teaching) Essay [5]


Look at this intro... not good! It is awkward and full of unnecessary words. Whenever you say "one can set for themselves," it sounds wrong.

Less is more:
Of the goals that one can set for themselves in their lives a Among the most noble goals is the pursuit of knowledge.

The skills that I learned in my first occupation transferred well towards my next occupation which was when I became a Medical Laboratory Technician specializing in

Don't say translate towards or transfer towards...
As I think back on my past experiences, I believe that I have some unique qualities and abilities that prepare me to a successful career in education ___________ say something about the actual work... prepare me to empower children and communicate with them effectively.

It is my intention to be a great high school Chemistry teacher and I believe that I possess the ability to be such. Challenge yourself to write the sentence in a way that expresses a powerful insight about teaching. Make every sentence count. It is not interesting to read sentences that simply assert a general goal. Share an insight about education.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Universities are centers of growing scientists and produce the science [5]

So it is so necessary to supply appropriate conditions for educating the students that will become the future scientists.

apostrophe: Also, student's activities in sports can increase...

in this way
On the other hand, with investing in sport's activity students can increase their sport competition among other universities and in this way they can improve the position of their university.

In conclusion, I believe that although the library is one of the most important centers in the university and has a fundamental role in education, and create so facilities to study and search for students, investing in sport's activity for students is equally important because it can improve the ability of students in learning and doing their research in their field. to have excellent focus and health.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Different choices - Working in group or Working independently ? [4]

comma: As a proverb says, "Two heads are better than one."

In this kind of sentence, it is better to just do this:
In my point of view, working in group is more important.---The reader will know what you mean because of the previous sentence.

reasons supporting my opinion are listed as follows.---Good, but you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and let it be a sentence that expresses the main idea for the whole essay. Pretend you can only write one sentence instead of a whole essay. Try to sum up the main reason, and let it be like the whole essay is concentrated into one sentence. That is the thesis sentence, and you should add it to the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Letters / "I am a kind of person who loves and care silently"; An Open Letter to Your Parents [4]

You did do a great job with this, for sure!
I think you are missing an opportunity to do something great... You should add a paragraph to let them know what your intentions are, what your short term goals are. A student with a plan is most impressive.

Writing Feedback / SPECIALISTIC SUBJECTS v A RANGE OF SUBJECTS IN UNIVERSITY [3]


Thanks! Welcome to EF.

It is agreeable to me I agree that students in a particular field may become extremely specialised and competent in their areas, which eventually allows them to be more competitive in the workplace and expect to be fully advanced in some distinctive fields.-----Long sentences are not good. Good writing has short sentences. If the reader has to work very hard to interpret it, it's like ... it's harder for the reader to have a deep experience.

For example, the popularity of computers among students makes possible the realization that without knowledge concerning with computers or Internet, students would not easily have access to on line courses.---Wow, you have some very impressive sentences.

singular: that a small proportion of people is likely...

:-)

Undergraduate / "my Uncle Raymond" - a person you admire & how they have influenced your life [7]

It is a run on sentence at the start.
My name is -----------. end the sentence, and start a new one. I have applied ...

Please be sure to tell us why you think this essay represents you well.--When they say this, I think it indicates that they want you to write a sentence that tells them specifically why the essay represents you well. Use those words somewhere near the end.."This essay represents my..."

In the last paragraph, you shouldn't capitalize the word "my."

You can improve the essay if you get very specific about your aspirations and goals... and show how these are related to his influence.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Important skill a person should learn in order to successful in the world today? [3]

Yes, good point.
If I say I sell shoes for a living, it means I am a shoe salesman. If I get an education for a living, it means I get paid to take classes. You should write this:

It is important to get an education so that I can make a living.

I see excellent advice from Kathy. Like she said, they are minor ideas.
Panyapon, I think you generate ideas well and write well. When she says simple and straight, she means you should not make sentences that are too complicated.

Why did you make the first sentence of every paragraph separate from the body of the paragraph?

Writing Feedback / 'Important from medical point of view' - Pets should be treated like family members [3]

Notice the two sentences you put together as one run-on sentence: They have their own way to express their love and emotions, its just that they can not speak like we do.

That is the kind of mistake that will make them take points off your score.

Look at writing by Hemingway or Stephen King. You will notice that good writers use short sentences. :-)
They have their own way to express their love and emotions. It's just that they cannot speak like we do.

In my opinion pets should be treated like family members because its more of our desire to keep them with us then theirs to be with us. --You mean we should not eat them? Humans eat animals just like monsters in a Tim Burton film.

Use an apostrophe: But it's we humans... "it is" = it's
"Belonging to it" = its

Sometimes they can also help us in carrying out many household works , like a dog can look after for kid when you are busy in your kitchen or call look after your house when you are not at home.---No! Don't let the dog watch the kid! Well, it depends on what kind of dog, I guess, LOL.

Sometimes they can also help us in carrying out many household works; for example, a dog can look after the kid when you are busy in your kitchen or can look after your house when you are not at home.----I made small changes here. The semi-colon works like a period.

Writing Feedback / "wisdom" that old people have - Knowledge gained from books or from experience? [8]

I'll be looking for them and helping however I can. Thanks for participating so much! :-)

I'll go look at your most recent thread right now...

Writing Feedback / Seek the Truth; do not believe in something simply because an authority says so [3]

Comma:
Hitler believed his people were the superior race, that the Aryans were the best, and told his countrymen that, so they believed him.--I added a few words for clarity.

You did a great job!

So, in classical rhetoric, there are three elements: ethos, logos, and pathos. Logos is logic, and pathos is emotional appeal, but ethos is credibility from someone's position. If someone is in a position of authority, it does not necessarily mean they have credibility with regard to the subject at hand.

You should check out Thoreau's Civil Disobedience for ideas.
This is a good, solid paragraph with excellent examples.

Book Reports / Caddy Compson: Change (William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury) [2]

This essay is absolutely perfect! You're an amazing writer.

I only found one small thing to fix;

...changes in the South (i.e. Caddy's newfangled notions of womanhood and independence) for his all of his troubles.

Good luck in school and have fun~ I hope you write your own book some day.

:)

Poetry / 5 senses poem need help (the theme could be anything) [5]

This is to teach you how to write in a way that activates the reader's senses. You are hosting a mental experience for the reader! So... use words that appeal to each of the senses. You do not have to write "I se," I hear," etc.

You can make a villain carry water, but you can't...

There is my contribution to your creativity! :-)

Undergraduate / To say that only one person influenced my passion for baking would be entirely untrue. [3]

To say that only one person influenced my passion for baking would be entirely untrue. ---It also is uninteresting. You can start the essay with an interesting sentence!

However, the majority of credit must be given to my grandmother; she played a central role in my discovery of my passion. My grandmother taught me the basics of baking from a young age. ---This is a better intro. It still could be more interesting, but at least it has a little alteration.

... that I feel when a cake rises perfectly, when chocolate unmolds successfully without breakage, or when I watch sugar bubble as the candy thermometer rises to the perfect temperature. ----Ooh... nice sentence

I want to put my all, my blood, sweat and tears, my life into creating the perfect desserts.--Oh my word, try to keep those things out of the cake. ;-)

Great job!