Undergraduate / NUS Asean Scholarship Personal Statement-Key qualities. [4]

Lim, there are still some major points of correction in your essay that require an increased word count on your part. In order to fulfill the revisions I am about to suggest, you will need to delete your opening statement and your closing statement so that the character allotment can be reassigned to the discussion that requires it the most. Don't worry, the opening and closing statements are not important in this type of essay, getting to the point quickly is more important.

Let us start with your first paragraph. Unless you have become a blackbelt in Taekwondo, I do not see how this passage is important. There is no explanation as to why you would consider Taekwondo a key quality that will allow you contribute to the NUS community should you become a scholar. I believe that since that part of the essay is not properly developed in explanation, you can just remove it so that your essay will have a chance of coming in under the required character count.

In the fourth paragraph, it is important that you better describe this co-curricular activity. What class was it for? Why should your participation here be considered notable? The information you present here is very common among scholarship applicants and will not really impress the reviewer in the proper manner. Add more important information to this paragraph in order to make it more relevant to the requirements of the essay. Like I said, you can skip the opening and closing paragraph if need be, so don't be afraid to get into a relatively lengthened explanation of the points I have indicated.

Writing Feedback / Flying all over the world. IELTS Task 2: Should air travel be restricted or NOT. [5]

Suman, the prompt specifically asks you to discuss environmental pollution as one of the reasons as to why air travel should be restricted. It is important that the major facts that you present in your paraphrased statement use keywords from the original prompt in order to prove that you understand the question and that you will be discussing it along the lines dictated by the prompt. Therefore, when you presented the discussion of global warming and non-renewable resources instead of environmental pollution, you immediately changed the topic discussion for the prompt, which indicates that you did not understand the prompt requirements. This in turn, will result in a low to failing score in the task accuracy portion of the band score since you displayed reasons for the examiner to believe that you did not understand the prompt. Your essay will not score well in the overall scoring because the words that you use tend to be confusing which in turn confuses the reader regarding the discussion that you are presenting and the opinions that you have. It causes stress which will also result in an overall low score in terms of the remaining band criteria. I don't think that you can get a score higher than 3 or 4 in the overall scoring process for the aforementioned reasons.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Task: The idea to tell students which subject their should study [5]

Shivam, assuming that the student has the requisite grade to take the entrance exam for the field of study that he is interested in, he will end up being admitted to the university for that field of study. However, passing the entrance exam is not the most solid reference to analyze the potential of a student to succeed in the field of study. Remember, one can pass the entrance exam but fail to pass the requisite classes for his course of study. Therefore, he will not be considered as a student who can potentially succeed in his line of interest. The entrance exam could be passed by a student since that is normally just an IQ test. It is when the student is already enrolled in his major that the proper analysis for his potential to succeed can be made.

With reference to your Grammar and Usage, I don't think you have too much to worry about. I would score you anywhere between a 4 and 5 in that section specifically since there are still a number of problems with your thought development and presentation. However, those flaws are not enough to reduce the impact or comprehension of your discussion. You should improve in those sections over time.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Task: The idea to tell students which subject their should study [5]

Shivam, I might be wrong here but I believe that your argument is flawed because it fails to consider a main component of college education that has been in effect ever since the concept of college education was implemented. All courses in college, be it a vocational school or a professional school have their students take exams. The exams are given in order to give the student an idea as to whether or not he will be successful in his chosen field. Therefore, academic institutions have, through unspoken law, been mandated to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed.

In your essay, you ask ; The question arises that who will judge the likelihood of students becoming successful in a particular field? Who will give authority ...

The response to your question is obvious. Educational institutions hire teachers who are trained to spot students who will succeed in their field of study. This is done through the exam assessments and grading system. These are the tools by which college professors or vocational instructors indirectly dissuade the student from pursuing a field of study where they may not be successful. These are the reasons as to why your argument is flawed.

By the way, Col. Sanders has academic training from La Salle Extension University where he studied Law by correspondence. Unfortunately, his university was legally declared as not having the requisites to consider itself a real university. Therefore, this is not the strongest example to use in this essay. It opens your discussion to further question and creates obvious flaws in your arguments.

Writing Feedback / Many different views about the leading role of university education [2]

Jessica, I wonder if you know that your essay is 5 words short of the 250 word minimum requirement for this test. Your inability to meet the minimum word count will definitely have an effect on your overall score. Imagine, a mere 5 words could have spelled the difference between getting a passing grade or a failing grade in this test. Those 5 words signify a tremendous score percentage in terms of task accuracy, lexical resource, and grammar accuracy. Don't neglect to keep track of your word count during your practice tests until hitting 250 or more becomes second nature to you. That should be something that you can eventually tell by simply glancing at the length of your paper. Personally, I believe that you could have used 5 more words to further strengthen your introductory statement and personal opinion presentation. These could have been added to the first paragraph where it could have made the greatest impact or served the biggest purpose in terms of increasing your score percentage.

That said, your overall essay lays out well thought out and developed arguments. However, I feel that the presentation of the scientific aspects of the discussion removed some focus from the general strength of your statement, which did not have a particular topic in focus at first. By focusing the topic, you created a discussion specific paragraph that reduced the effectiveness of your generalized statements in the previous and succeeding paragraphs.

Your concluding statement is also too short. Remember, you need to present at least 3 sentences in order to create an acceptable paragraph. It could have been improved by a proper summation that indicated a more accurate prompt restatement, highlights of the points for discussion, and then the repetition of your personal statement.

Overall, your essay has some minimal problems that can easily be solved by being cognizant of your current shortcomings. I know that I can look forward to further improvement in your work over time. Just make sure to not repeat the same mistakes.

Graduate / Statement of purpose for MS in electrical engineering in USA, the field of VLSI designing technology [2]

Utsav, there is too much unnecessary information located within your statement of purpose. The normal format of a statement for purpose requires only an overview of your college education. That means, that you should only refer to a summary of the college course that you took during your undergraduate studies, with a specific concentration on the courses that are relevant to your masters degree interest. That should show the progression of your academic interests headed into this current higher learning avenue.

After your college summary, a full presentation relating to your current profession and how it relates to your growing interest in electrical engineering must be presented. Under this task, you should make sure to indicate any additional training, seminars, or pertinent information that will provide a sense of the kind of professional foundation that you have as preparation for your masters studies.

Whenever possible, you should mention a thesis statement that you hope can help to progress the specific field of interest that you have in electrical engineering as the purpose of your studies. For example, you may have a notion for a method of improving some electrical structure that currently does not exist. Give an explanation of why you believe that your studies in this field can help you develop that idea and how you see it changing the field of electrical engineering in the process.

Through the thesis statement that you have, you can create a clear explanation as to why only WSU can help to train you to bring your concept to reality. Reiterate your desire to study in their university because of specific academic, research, and / or training reasons. It is after this presentation that you can finally close your essay.

I recommend that you totally remove any references to paragraph 5 in your revised essay. That is only a paragraph filler that does not truly help to expand the reasons for your application. It is only a history lesson for the reviewer, which is really not necessary to present since it does not pertain to your actual purpose for study or choice of university. Kindly revise your essay using the guide I have provided above. These should help you to create a more relevant and targeted statement of purpose that can truly help your application.

Scholarship / Describing a study experience in pursue of Korean scholarship. Statement on Purpose for KGSP [3]

Rica, one of the topics that you should touch on in this SOP is why you have chosen to study TESOL in a non-English speaking country. Keep in mind that the reason there is a one year Korean language learning program for the student is because the classes will be taught in Korean. So you need to pass the TOPIK in order to continue on to your masters degree lessons. Since you will spend so much time mastering the Korean language instead of the English language, you should justify why your purpose for taking a masters degree in TESOL will be best served by studying in a non- English speaking university. That way, your purpose for enrolling also goes beyond the simple studying of the English language. If you notice, your application speaks more about how you plan to go back to your country to promote the Korean language. Huh? Promote the Korean language when you are studying a masters degree in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages? There is a disconnect in your application here.

There is no real justification for your desire to enroll as a KGSP scholar if you think about it. The KGSP scholars normally spend a period of time living in Korea and working in the Korean communities. That said, you should better develop your purpose for enrollment in Korea as something connected with helping Korean's learn English instead. Link your purpose to a desire to reside in Korea and help Koreans learn English instead. That way you can best represent the residency requirement of the KGSP for the masters degree graduates. Discuss your purpose for studying in Korea based upon your educational qualifications and desire to help the Korean society first, then discuss your purpose for helping your home country second.

Undergraduate / MIT UPDATES- working as a chemical engineer [6]

Diva, it is unnecessary for you to mention "common fundamental principles of Chemical Engineering" at the end of the first paragraph. That is more than obvious to the reviewer who is highly familiar with the foundation of the subject. It comes across as you lecturing the reviewer, which is not something that you would like to do because that means the reviewer will take your tone in a different manner than you actually meant. Instead, after you remove that reference, you can modify the beginning of the paragraph to indicate or say that you have been working extremely hard on further strengthening your foundation in Chemical Engineering through your work experience at that company. This format presentation removes the lecturing tone that the paragraph currently has. There is no real problem with your second paragraph as it contains continuing education information in an acceptable and non-lecturing manner. So I have no suggestions regarding improving that presentation at the moment.

Undergraduate / MIT UPDATES- working as a chemical engineer [6]

Diva, is your work experience already mentioned somewhere else in your application? It seems like you are repeating information in your opening statement. Please double check and make sure that you are not repeating information for the reviewer. The prompt asks for the most current information that you can provide. Maybe it is just the way that you formatted that paragraph but it doesn't sound like a new experience that you should inform the reviewer about. If your subscription to open classes is something new, indicate that this is a new activity through the first sentence in the paragraph. You can say "I recently began subscribing to..." in order to indicate a new activity on your part. I believe that reformatting the first paragraph in the same manner, to clearly indicate a new activity will also benefit the essay. The whole indication of the essay should be to introduce new activities on your part in relation to your studies. At the moment, that sense is a bit muddled. A simple clarification per paragraph will be enough to remove the confusion.

Graduate / "The flow of electron" needs your review : SOP for Graduate Programs in Electrical Engineering [5]

Hasibul, rather than posing a question at the start of the essay, turn it into a statement of fact. Revise the paragraph to turn the statement into your purpose for receiving a masters in electrical engineering. That way the paragraph becomes eye catching and reels the reviewer into your world. It will make him imagine a world where your kind of electricity consumption exists and therefore, will make him want to learn more about your abilities and qualities that just might make you a perfect candidate for their masters program. You don't need help from Tennyson in order to make a strong statement for you. With the revision of your opening statement, the whole essay shifts from being an inquisitive statement to a strong, forceful, and ambitious statement of purpose, which is exactly what you need in order to be considered for this program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: How Do U.S. Expenditures Compare With Those Of Other Countries? [4]

Lisa, in order to create the possibility of gaining a higher score in this task, try to write at least 250 words. With that kind of word count, you will be able to show a proper depth of knowledge when it comes to task accuracy, lexical resource, as well as grammar accuracy and range. At the moment, this essay falls short in properly representing your skills in those 3 areas due to the brevity of your report.

Your second paragraph could have been apportioned into 2, with each new paragraph given more development in terms of information presentation. Doing so would have also helped you to better display your English language skills. It is always best to meet the minimum word count required in any essay. That way you get proper consideration in terms of scoring.

You don't need to say more than the bare minimum if you feel your skills are not adequate enough to garner a higher rating. Just aim for the minimum or a little higher than minimum score for your essay in this section of the test.

Undergraduate / Transfer essay: "I want an intellectually stimulating education at a research-oriented school" [3]

Sameer, highlight your career goals in the essay. Present it in such a manner that makes it clear to the reviewer that NYU Engineering programs cannot assist you in achieving your final goal as a professional or as a fledgling engineer upon graduation. It is not necessary for you to point out the negatives of NYU unless it relates directly to the reason that you wish to transfer schools. By discussing more of your career goals and how the University of Illinois can better help you in achieving your career plans, you will already be showing the reviewer the negatives of NYU, without being direct about it. Consider that the reviewer may already have an insight into the shortcomings of the NYU Engineering program so you need not be specific about it. After all, NYU did give you the start that you needed to be educated in this field. So keep a respectful tone regarding that university by not directly pointing out the negatives in your essay.

Undergraduate / NUS Asean Scholarship Personal Statement-Key qualities. [4]

Lim, your response needs to be changed. What you have written concerns more of your character traits that can help you become a good student at the university you are applying to. It does not reflect your abilities or skills that you can use to help enrich the NUS community as a scholar. In other words, why would you be an asst to the scholarship and why do you deserve the scholarship? The concentration of your essay should therefore highlight any organization based community service that you participate in, as well as any notable academic achievements or recognition that you may have received. None of these target presentations are present in your essay. You have to write a new essay that better offers an insight into these particular skills and abilities on your part. Let me offer you some examples. For the community service, if you are a member of the Boy Scouts, then explain why being a boy scout has helped you to make a difference in the lives of other people through scouting activities. For academics, name your most recent school award received for academic excellence or, any school based extra curricular activity that you may have been recognized for such as creative writing. Then relate those to how you can contribute to your chosen university using those abilities, mindset, or traits.

Writing Feedback / Is fashion detrimental to society? People look into exterior beauty without notice of inner beauty [2]

Maritsa, I strongly suggest that you post the original prompt discussion that you are responding to along with your essay. Even without reading it, I can tell you that your opening statement is weak and ill effective. It does not fully represent the prompt requirements due to its short presentation. In fact, the shortness of the paragraphs clearly represent the biggest weakness of your writing style. It is important that you learn to fully develop your thought presentations or justifications through your paragraphs. By doing so, you will be able to gain a better score as you are able to express yourself in a more complete manner representative of the prompt requirements. Unfortunately, I am unable to give you advice as to how you can better develop this essay discussion due to the lack of the original prompt. That said, I will still be able to assist you with that if you provide the prompt below. There is room for improvement in your work, you just need to be instructed as to how you can do that.

Undergraduate / My Penn Supplement Essay: How is it? [3]

Pranish, set aside this essay for use as your response to "Why UPenn?" instead. That is the question that your overall essay responds to. The development of that response in this essay is clear, interesting, and highly relevant. So, while it cannot be used to respond to the question of how you will pursue your academic interests at UPenn, it will however, serve a purpose down the line as you complete your common app essays.

For this particular essay, you need to show a familiarity with the university beyond the regular information that you can garner through online research. You need to learn about the academic offerings and programs of the university in order to properly address the prompt. For example, if the university has an internship program abroad that you are interested in participating in, that would explain how you would pursue an academic interest while at the the university. An academic organization related to your major that you are keen to join would also be an appropriate representation of the task requirement. Even just being a frequent visitor to one of the many libraries on campus to research your favorite academic subject would be a fitting response to the question provided.

It is unfortunate that only paragraph 9 of this essay can be used to help you in writing a more targeted response. You will really have to write a new, more responsive essay that addresses the prompt in the proper manner. Upon closer review, it would seem that this is the only paragraph that has some relationship with the prompt requirement. In an effort to speed up your revision, I suggest that you take paragraph 9 and build a new essay around it.

Graduate / How business and technical skills will help me with excelling in cyber security industry [2]

Nishtha, your statement of purpose requires content editing. The first half that you developed does not directly relate to your purpose. It is a backgrounder that would be more relevant in a college application essay instead of a masters degree essay. If you wish to create a more eye catching and impressive sounding essay, you must immediately inform the reviewer about the purpose of your essay. Therefore, the second paragraph should be the opening statement which ends, with the presentation of the idea that you wish to become an Enterprise Risk Manager.

The paragraph after that, should contain an immediate reference to your relevant professional background and work experience ending with a summary of your relevant college education. There is no need to go deep into your childhood interest in computers and languages if these do not directly relate to your desired career position or progress. Keep in mind that your computer experience should not overwhelm the reviewer. So just present the relevant computer knowledge and training that you have. The essay should have only one purpose in mind and that is to convince the reviewer that you have the background, fundamental training, and keen interest in becoming an Enterprise Risk Manager.

For more specific assistance in revising your essay, I suggest that you reformat the paper by building up paragraphs. 3-8 instead. Upon closer review, I find that the information in these paragraphs, if revised properly, will effectively present a direct to the point statement of purpose that will hold the reviewers interest and also depict you at your strongest points in relation to your interest in Enterprise Risk Management. Try to tighten the content to shed light mostly on the development of your interest and how your plans for your future in this line of work require the training that you can only get at Northeastern. For a more compelling argument, explain the programs, classes, notable professors, or research programs offered by the university will give you an edge over other masters degree graduates of this course.

The essay has the potential to be strong and notable. The problem, are the word fillers and trivial information that is presented such as the quote, your introductory paragraph, and your interest in mystery novels. Those are just causing a lack of focus in the paper which can distract the reviewer to the point where he may not think your application has substance. So it would be best to omit those in your presentation.

A statement of purpose can actually be written in 5 informative paragraphs. I am hoping that by revising the content of your essay, we will be able to make it a short, concise, informative, and impressive essay for the benefit of your application.

Undergraduate / From a homebody to the active body. UW Madison Essay -- Something important but unnoticed [19]

The story about the lights is good. It ties in well with the topic of "thinking that it goes unnoticed" You should adjust the essay content to reflect that part though. Remember, the prompt says that you think it goes unnoticed. Which means that towards the end of the essay. you should learn or discover that what you are doing is actually noticed, but not mentioned by the people around you. So you can say something about being frustrated by your father's habit of never turning off the lights so you stopped doing it. Then he got the electric bill, which was higher than usual and he asked why you stopped turning off the lights in the rooms. By relating that, you will show that your habit of switching off the lights is appreciated, just not vocally by your dad. Which adds to the importance of your habit. That would tie the whole essay prompt together in your response. I know that this is still a draft so I will only comment on the content. I am sure you will still proof read and edit the essay for spelling and punctuation errors, so I won't point it out for now.

Scholarship / Why Clark? I am already a Clarkie in my dream. [10]

Khusel, forget the broad prompt instruction and focus instead on delivering the requirements of the 400 word prompt that you originally responded to. Forget the values of Clark in the expanded prompt as well. Instead focus on yourself in response to the prompt. Answer these questions instead; what makes you a good person? How will that trait of yours translate into a personal value? Do you think that will help you become a good Clarkie? If yes, then how? The response you develop using those these questions will complete your reply as to how you embody the Clark University values. Make that response one paragraph. Use a transition sentence at the end of that to explain why you chose to become a Clarkie. For the Clarkie explanation, you can call back on the original essay that you developed, using the modified version you presented to me. From that point, we can sit the essay again for content and relevance. That should be very close to the final version when you are done with it.

Scholarship / Why Clark? I am already a Clarkie in my dream. [10]

The only problem with the story that you told is that you have not made a clear commitment to go back to your country in order to help those who need the help of a behavioral economist such as yourself, to help them recover from their economic problems. You should be specific about that because that is a Clark value that the university is searching for in their students. Show empathy through your understanding for the economic problem of your community and your commitment to help them recover through your studies. The rest of the essay is acceptable but I want you remove the part in the end that refers to "If I am fortunate enough..." because that is not part of the reason that you want to be a Clarkie anymore. That is one of the plans that you have for after graduation, which is not part of the prompt requirement for this essay.

Writing Feedback / Is our government should provide a high level of health care for all its citizens? [2]

Kalmia kindly provide us with the complete IELTS prompt that you are required to respond to. I would like to assess your essay for compliance with the other prompt requirements. At the moment, I cannot properly review your essay because I do not know the kind of response that you are expected to provide. What I can review for you at the moment is the presentation of the essay.

I am very sad to say that the essay is confusing to read, lacks cohesiveness, does not have a coherent presentation, and seems to go around in circles discussing the same thing over and over again in the same paragraph. I am referring to the second paragraph where you cannot seem to get out of the explanation that the government should provide quality healthcare for all the citizens of your country. I believe that the problem stems from a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements. That is something that I can confirm once I have a copy of the actual prompt already.

The third paragraph does not have enough discussion development to properly present your argument in the paragraph. It should build upon the reasons why those who work should help to pay for the healthcare of those in need. In reference to that, it contradicts your first statement that the government should give quality healthcare to everyone regardless of status in life or other considerations.

Your essay actually deviates from the prompt because you first discuss the quality of healthcare the government should provide and then the next half of the essay discusses free healthcare. Which one is the real topic of the prompt? I am really confused by the essay response that you have provided. I will not score this as an essay that could pass in an actual exam setting.

Scholarship / Why Clark? I am already a Clarkie in my dream. [10]

Basically, the academic part of your response is already relevant to the prompt. So we don't have a problem with that part of the essay requirement anymore. What we have to fix now is the part about embodying the values of a Clarkie. Their requirements are very specific (thoughtfulness, empathy, commitment, and self-confidence) so we need to become highly specific about those aspects in your essay as well. Can you identify a time in your life when you embodied at least 2-3 of the indicated values? I am guessing that you might be able to reflect on the empathy and self confident part since you come from a country that was communist in nature. The empathy should come from your ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Try to discuss something about the economic disparity in your country and how your life was touched by it, causing you to be helpful to the less fortunate in your country. Try to think of an incident that you can share with the reviewer regarding that. The self-confidence part can be represented by the time you spent studying abroad. If you write about those 2 traits properly, you just may be able to create a convincing argument regarding your in "economic behavior".

Dissertations / The background of my dissertation - ISO [7]

Okay. I have analyzed your work once again and I believe there are 2 points where you can present an improvement in your work. Since this is a background paper, I believe that it is important for you to explain your understanding as to why the RCB is required for ISO certification. Does it have any subsidiary bodies? Indicate what industries usually require their certification and approval. Additional summarized information about the need to double check their security policies and process description. Grammar-wise, the essay is not bad. Your paragraph is understandable and does not contain any words that might be misconstrued by the reader. It is ready for use as is. Or, you can improve some of it using the parts that I noticed could use a little more work above. The title of the paragraph is clearly explained once you read the paragraph. No worries there. This is a pretty solid essay in its original form, even without the suggestions I made since you will be submitting this to a professor who is highly familiar with the topic you are presenting as your dissertation topic.

Writing Feedback / Death Penalty should be given or not? The use of capital punishment [5]

Janaki, when the topic asks you to discuss both views and then give your own opinion, you should strive to present a 5 paragraph essay that accurately delivers on all required points of the prompt. The best way to present this essay will be as follows:

1st paragraph - Introduction - prompt summary, presentation of each opinion in summary form, a quick reference to your opinion with the assurance that all points will be fully discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

2nd paragraph - first point of view, usually the point of view that you do not support. Discuss it thoroughly based upon your understanding. Oppose it using examples or information that you can present from a 2nd or 3rd person point of view.

3rd paragraph - second point of view, normally the point of view that you support. Strengthen this discussion through presentation of commonly known facts or experience. Second or third person point of view again.

4th paragraph - your opinion, first person point of view. The objective is to present supporting arguments based on personal opinion or experience that will strengthen the claims made in the 3rd paragraph.

5th paragraph - conclusion. Summarize the content of the essay from the prompt to the points of discussion presented. Then close the essay with a repetition of your point of view in support of what you believe to be the more popular opinion of the prompt provided.

Scholarship / I am applying for a scholarship that will allow me to study master's degree [2]

Margaux, split the essay into 2 parts. By that, I mean you have to write two essays with the different prompts assigned in the title. So the first page will be the Course Study Plan and the second page will be best titled Post Study Plan. Formatted in that manner, the reviewer will be given a chance to concentrate fully on the topic discussion that you are presenting. It is important not to confuse the reviewer by combining both discussions in one essay. It will also result in a better developed essay on your part because you will have a full page with which to develop your responses and, knowing your perfectionist trait, that is something that you will appreciate very much.

It is important that you show a more serious aspect of learning Hangul than just watching their Korean dramas. Elaborate upon the self study of the Korean language that you have been doing. Indicate a desire to take the TOPIK while still in the Philippines in order to learn the areas of improvement that you need to concentrate on during your full year of language training in Korea. It will not hurt your application for the reviewer to know that you are preemptively trying to improve your Hangul abilities even before you get the scholarship.

Now, when it comes to your study goal, it is important that you present a clear thesis statement for your master degree as the basis of your academic lessons and interests. As with any ordinary masters degree application, it would be best if you indicate the university in Korea that you are hoping to attend, relate the course offerings to your current college degree (as in the logical next step) which can help you respond to a real Marketing marketing problem or situation in your country. Since you want to open your own resort in the future, look at the possible biggest problem that the resort industry faces in terms of marketing itself and then use that as the basis of your thesis statement. Explain how the university you have chosen can help you gain a better insight into the problem and possible solutions that you can apply to your own marketing style in the future.

As for the post study plan, you should definitely include a reference to creating a Korean network that can help you establish your own business when the time comes. However, the socio-civic interests that you present are not necessary as the focus of this essay should be the establishment of your business and how your Korean connections, made during your time as a student, will be able to help you. Try to find out if Korea has a tourism program that works with the Philippine tourism department, maybe that can help you to better develop a post study plan.

Quick reminder before I end my advise session with you, please divide the essay into 2 based on the prompt requirements. You will also need to post those as 2 separate threads. That will make it easier for me to keep track of the advice I will be giving you as well as I can fully concentrate on each topic individually. I am sure that will also benefit you as the writer.

Undergraduate / Minority in a diversity -------UW Mad------- Something unnoticed, importance to me. [3]

Natalia, your essay is short in the "show" portion. Apart from the opening statement which was more anecdotal in nature, the next paragraph told, rather than showed the reviewer about the cultural diversity that most people take for granted but that you live with every day of your life. It would help your essay if you could show how cultural diversity is also taken for granted in the school that you attend because that is the academic world that you live in. So while other people may take it for granted, this diversity is something that is important to you. You speak of diversity being hard to notice when one does not live with it. So discuss why this diversity is important to you. Build further on the discussion. Don't be afraid to use the maximum word count if you have to. Talk about an incident or time when you realized that this cultural diversity in school is something that is of importance to you. That will best fulfill the prompt requirement.

Scholarship / Why Clark? I am already a Clarkie in my dream. [10]

Khusel, the part of your essay that speaks of the fifth year of education being free of charge sounds like you just took it out for a student brochure or the website itself. I believe that you should omit the reference to that because the information is readily available to anyone interested and, as the prompt requirement indicated, should not be part of the consideration for your choice of Clark University as your college of choice. Why don't you mention something else like the fact that you can do research on topics of interest to you that could help you in creating your unique major? Or perhaps indicate an inclination to move immediately to the masters courses offered by the university ? These are more relevant reasons that would direct you to choose Clark for your college experience.

Undergraduate / From a homebody to the active body. UW Madison Essay -- Something important but unnoticed [19]

If you want to approach the essay from an out of the box point of view, then use the switching off lights and fans anecdote to represent your response to the essay. That is something that most people would not notice because it is not in the common habit of most people to do so. The free gym at the public park is also a good topic to use. Although, that would depend upon the kind of discussion that you will attach to the story. The truth is, either story will work well as a response to the prompt. So the only way to make a decision about this is to have you write both essay topics. After you have written both, you can review both essays and then decide which only you feel more comfortable submitting. The one that you feel best represents your thoughts on paper would be the best choice. As your adviser, I would need to read both essays in order to help you make a decision. I can't decide just based upon a presentation idea.

Undergraduate / From a homebody to the active body. UW Madison Essay -- Something important but unnoticed [19]

In this case, I do not think that your morning walks is the correct activity to portray in the essay. The reason that I say this is because everyone you know, from your mother to your elderly neighbors know the importance of this activity. Even more specific, your mother knows the reason that you are engage in this activity. In fact, she had to encourage you do to it. Therefore, it cannot be considered something in your life that goes unnoticed by others.

When you consider your response to this essay think of 2 thinks. The first, is if there is something that goes on in your environment that you are just starting to notice now. For example, maybe there is a new coffee shop that opened up and offers free wi-fi to the clients. This is something that could go unnoticed by most people because they have internet connections at home. However, for those who do not have a home connection or cannot afford for computer rental, the coffee shop could be seen as a blessing because for the price of a cup of coffee, they can use the internet for as long as they need to. Do you see why such a situation could be unnoticed by others but could be noticed by contemplative people? This shows a depth of analysis and an observational attitude on your part. Which is an important trait for a college student.

The other thing that you should think of is something that is personal to you. For example, you dutifully pick up your younger sibling from school without being asked by your parents. Consciously, you are doing this because you know your parents are both working and they cannot afford to pay someone to take your sibling home after class. Since you attend the same school and you get out ahead of your sibling, you take your brother / sister home with you and take care of him / her till your parents get home. You don't need the thanks of your parents, who don't even notice what you are doing, because you just want to help and take some worry off from them. By acting as the responsible sibling, your parents have more time to do other things when they get home. They don't notice that you do it, but you know why you are doing it.

Your narrative writing style will work for either method of developing your response. I just want you to use a more relevant topic for the essay. Don't throw away the current essay that you have though. It might come in handy with a future prompt response requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: A free university education should be applied in Vietnam. What is your opinion? [2]

Thanh, I do not believe that you can score higher than a 5 in the overall score for this essay for a number of reasons. The main reason that I have for giving you this score is because of the difficulty in understanding your essay concept. The cohesiveness and coherence of your presentation is not as smooth as it can be and creates a difficulty for the reader.

Another point I would like to make is that your lexical resource can be somewhat faulty in the essay. Take for example, the opening statement where you used the term "remission" to indicate the plan to create full government subsidy for university education. Remission means "the cancellation of a debt, charge, or penalty; a diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery ; forgiveness of sins". None of these meanings apply to the thought that you were trying to present. You could have instead said "Full tuition subsidy..." to make a more lexical appropriate point in your sentence.

The essay has a number of problem points that prevented it from getting a higher score. I hope that you will take note of the problems that this essay had in order to make adjustments and / or improvements to your next writing test.

Scholarship / Why Clark? I am already a Clarkie in my dream. [10]

Khusel, when you are asked "Why Clark?" and then you are specifically asked to relate it to your character traits, you should do more than just present a list of reasons why you cannot attend Clark and what kind of dreams you have in relation to social relationships. That is the wrong approach to this essay. The fact that Clark University is a private research university means that you have the opportunity to become more than a mere student. The university is a liberal arts institution that allows you to create your own major, cross enroll in courses or universities nearby in order to create a unique educational experience should more than provide you with valid reasons to want to study college at this university. These are some of the reasons that more academically inclined students would desire to attend Clark. I don't get a sense of this in your current essay. It appears that you do not know anything about the university nor do you have valid personal reasons, related to your academics, that you can relate to the prompt requirements. You need to do some research on the university in order to come up with a more believable and applicable response. Balance the social aspect of your intention to attend the university with your academic side. That will create a solid and more planned response to present to the reviewer.

Dissertations / The background of my dissertation - ISO [7]

Bahareh, are you supposed to present only a single paragraph for the background information? The reason I ask is because the background information should be divided into 3 paragraphs, based upon the 3 types of information that you present in the discussion. You should be able to perfectly develop the explanations that way. Right now, the explanation is rushed, seems to be incomplete, and requires more development. The grammar itself is alright and is acceptable in most academic circles. There are some profession specific terms used which add to the authoritative voice of what you are telling the reader. Considering the overall presentation of the essay though, I would have to say that this is potentially a usable format in terms of grammar and content, provided everything needs to be presented in only one paragraph.

Writing Feedback / There are three reasons which support my opinion that parents aren't the best teachers [6]

Ochir, I don't know if you were told this when you joined the forum or not but, it is always best that you present the original prompt requirement at the top of your response essay. That is so that we can have an accurate point of referral in terms of considering the content of your essay and its overall presentation. Right now, I cannot decide whether you have approached the prompt in the proper manner or not. Kindly provide the information I need as soon as you can so that I can better assess your responsiveness to the required prompt elements. In the meantime, I am going to offer you a general review of your essay.

Overall, your line of reasoning is sound. Even though there are certain grammatical errors in the sentence structure, your coherence was not affected and you still managed to provide a logical sense of discussion within the written work. There is no faulting your line of reasoning, provided you have adhered to the proper prompt instructions. If you complied with the instructions perfectly, I do not see why you would not something higher than just a mere passing score for this essay. Good work.

Writing Feedback / Death Penalty should be given or not? The use of capital punishment [5]

Janaki, there are number of problems with your essay presentation. For starters, the opening statement must have delivered a summary of each individual point of view, including yours, as a part of the summary and paraphrasing of the original prompt. That is because the summary overview requires a complete presentation of the paragraph discussions, in chronological order, whenever possible. Next, your presentation of the reasons why people support the death penalty through its advantages doesn't really bring the discussion based on that reason into proper focus. Your reasoning is confusing and does not produce a coherent thought process that could have resulted in a coherent discussion. The same applies for the third paragraph. Now, the for the biggest problem that your essay has. It does not represent your personal opinion as a complete and thorough discussion of both sides. Instead, you have it representing a one liner closing statement, which, as we all know, is not acceptable in this sort of essay. A concluding paragraph must not present new information or ideas and should instead only summarize the information contained prior to giving a closing sentence. Your personal opinion should have been fully developed as a paragraph prior to your concluding sentiments.

Undergraduate / From a homebody to the active body. UW Madison Essay -- Something important but unnoticed [19]

Arnav, kindly post the complete prompt for the essay that you are trying to respond to. Since i have assisted many students before you in developing their essays, I am already familiar with all of the common app prompts and the supplemental essays. I feel like the prompt you have provided is either incorrect or incomplete. I seem to recall this prompt having something more to do with your character that you do not notice but other people notice about you. Hence the term unnoticed in the prompt presentation. I would like to confirm if there was a misunderstanding of the prompt on your part. I would really appreciate if you could do that as soon as possible.

Provided that you are on the right track in terms of the prompt requirement, I believe that this essay needs only a couple more adjustments before it becomes ready to use. There is a point where we have to develop a stronger sense of how other people might see the importance of this activity to them but not to you. So you have to make adjustments to make that sentiment stronger.

Writing Feedback / Several changes of silkworm in its life cycle and method to produce silk cloth [3]

Hi Ayu, listen, I feel like this summary report is not one of your best work. There is a sense of uneasiness in your writing. Almost as if you do not clearly understand what the process diagram is explaining to the reader? Was that the case for you? The reason that I said this is because there are inconsistencies in the way that you wrote the essay. For example, what did you mean by "4-6 weeks to approach this stage" ? What stage is that? A more fluid method of writing the first development process would have been to simply use the day stage cycles in the presentation instead of breaking it down into steps. that would have created a more relaxed sense in your writing because that is how the cycle was originally presented.

In the second stage, you should have chosen a consistent method by which you could have presented the information. If I were to have advised you about how to write this portion before you worked on it. I would have told you to use the "first, second, third, etc." process of depicting the steps. That would have created a more consistent presentation and also clearly depicted the importance of each step.

Writing Feedback / The graph presents information about comparison of spending on petrol between people in the UK & USA [4]

Grienda, for starters, always remember to include a copy of illustration that your report is based on when you post an essay for review. For an accurate review of your work, we need to be able to compare your information with the actual data sent to you. Otherwise, we have no ability to properly consider the information and presentation in your essay.

I am not sure why you are using a comma instead of a period in presenting your percentage figures. Are you presenting these in the thousands of percent or something? See, this is why we need the illustration. Also, your presentation is too short. You must present 3 paragraphs for this sort of essay at a minimum.

Always double check your information and the way that you form your sentences. Keep in mind that you are scored on grammar accuracy and lexical resource use. I believe that you would lose points in this essay for mistakes in those areas. I am unable to properly assess the possible scores you can receive in those areas because of the lack of complete information coming from you.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of telephone calls in the UK [4]

Ayu, there are instances when you should use a comma and when you should a period in your sentence development. To quote the formal academic ruling (as I do not wish to make a mistake in advising you) ;

Use a comma to separate independent clauses in a compound sentence when they are separated by a conjunction. The comma goes after the first clause and before the coordinating conjunction that separates the clauses.

However, if you are planning to join two or more ideas in a single sentence, it would be best for you use a semicolon instead. A period on the other hand, is used to convey a complete thought in a single sentence.

Overall, I believe that you would score at a baseline of 5 for this essay. It is actually informative but lacks proper representation in the paragraphs. You have more of a formatting problem in this essay than anything else. Specially in your overview where incomplete information is provided regarding the important elements for discussion in the succeeding paragraphs.

Scholarship / Career Objective for a Scholarship in pursuing Petroleum Engineering [4]

Emmanuel, in order to write this career objective properly, you will need to find a common ground between your first degree in Geomatics Engineering and Petroleum Engineering. Since your first degree relates, in my understanding, to gathering information about soil samples and the quality of soil, then you can combine that knowledge with responsible petroleum engineering movements. Your career objective should be to find a method by which Geomatic Engineering can help those working Petroleum Engineering fields to responsibly produce gas from natural or artificial sources that will not harm the soil or the environment. Google possible career choices that relate the two fields if you have not done so yet. That is the way that you can develop a tentative career objective for yourself until you figure out what kind of career you actually want to pursue after you complete your masters degree.

Writing Feedback / 'Our personality is the average of the five people with whom we spend most of our time'; GRE Task [4]

Shivam, you could probably score a 5 using this written work in the GRE. You show a clear understanding of the discussion offered and managed to create a clear explanation using proper examples to help support your position. The Stanford Experiment reference is a very good one to use in this essay at it strongly represents an actual application of your position. However, for the sake of the readers who may not be familiar with the experiment, a quick summary of the study should have been provided in order to better illustrate your point.

The weakest point of your essay, from my point of view, relates to your use of Buddha and Gandhi as further supporting examples for your claims. In order to determine that these two actually had full control over their behavior, you should have cited instances that could have presented that claim as a fact. Remember, one is a God and the other is a hero. Both were influenced by their surroundings just the same. As such, they were both influenced by their surroundings and forces not of their making. Therefore, to say that they were in full control of their behavior may be an incorrect assumption.

Scholarship / Essay for AAS (Australia Award Scholarship) Master Degree in TESOL [3]

Danny, as this forum has a one essay per thread policy, I will only be able to offer you advice regarding the topmost posting in your essay thread. Please post each essay that you want reviewed in a dedicated new thread that contains only one essay per thread. If you do not follow the rules, we won't be able to help you because the moderators will delete the excess essays and give you a warning regarding being suspended for not complying with the forum regulations.

Now, as per the topmost essay that you posted, the main problem that I can see is that the essay is too short. Don't you have a minimum word requirement for this essay? You should try to comply with the minimum word requirement at all times. So you have to further expand upon the content. Making sure to illustrate the process by which you will achieve your career plans upon graduation. The essay cannot be this straightforward and simple. You need to identify the process by which you will slowly climb the ladder of success until you reach your desired career position. Whenever possible, explain how being granted this scholarship can help you achieve that ambition of yours. Think about how the masters degree combined with this scholarship will allow you the opportunity to do this and explain how the scholarship can plan an integral part in the overall post study plan.