Letters / Cross Culture Internship 2017 - Motivation Letter [5]

Aasma, here is the first rule of writing any sort of paper, always sit down, relax, and then write. Do not rush through it. When you rush, you end up writing gibberish or paragraphs that do not clearly connect in the discussion. Now, when you revise this letter, I want you to do exactly that. the first thing that you have to do is explain that you saw Sesame Street as a college student. The age as of when you first watched the show is important here because you are talking about production values that made a mark on you. Therefore, you need to have been of college age or already working as a professional by the time you saw the program. Do not say you were 3 years old when you first watched. if you do, I will have you revise the whole letter. Keep the presentation of your age appropriate to the reasons that you were amazed by the show that will make you think about creating something similar in your own country. Then create a connection with the production values that you saw on the show and how you believe that an internship at a German television company or something similar can help you learn how to copy the presentation style, but geared for a Pakistani audience. That should help to fix that paragraph.

Scholarship / Bucknell University Scholarship for Creative Writing - Ray Bucknell! [7]

Gari, in the second paragraph, you don't need to explain how you worked as an editor or the editing process that was implemented in your high school paper. Instead, say you have experience as an editor in chief and you look forward to joining (name of college paper) in some sort of capacity. Then transition into a new paragraph that will explain how you look forward to participant in Bucknell's creative writing activities like Poetry slam and others. I am not sure about how you can promote screen writing at Bucknell. You need to find a specific organization at the school that will help you promote that advocacy of yours. It sounds to abrupt and does not have any sense of development in representation that your other activities and participation roles portray. Rethink the presentation for that part and try to make it sound more active and interesting than it is at the moment.

Scholarship / Epog program; I understand the need of education in reaching my ultimate goals [8]

Remove the reference to your participation in activities of government and non-government agencies. These are not amply supported in your essay and will only serve to weaken what should be a highly impressive paragraph / credentials that you are offering. When you cannot properly develop a supporting piece of data or platform for your list of noticeable accomplishments, it is best to just not mention it at all. The idea is to keep your essay strong and informative. Removing less than stellar information such as the government agencies you worked with will not be noticed in this instance as there are more interesting and high profile information supplied from your end. That said, the essay will be in its final form and ready to use once you have removed the portion that I am suggesting. I assure you, the essay will be fine and you don't need to repost it here with the removed reference for final approval from me. I am telling you now, the essay will work to your benefit once it is formatted in the manner I am suggesting.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thu, you are submitting your college transcript of records along with this application. Therefore, there is no need to repeat the information in that file. Congratulations on graduating as a Summa Cum Laude, however, that is not necessary to include in this essay. When you discuss your strengths, you should stick to the academic overview of the discussion. Focus on your strong subjects and abilities, without mentioning the graduation honor you received because the reviewer will be analyzing your transcript of records regarding that and will not give any weight to its mention coming from you.

Your discussion as to how the university caught your interest and offers academic programs relevant to your masters degree, along with any relevant training information is not really complete. The overview that you presented is simply too short and uninformed to convince the reviewer that you know exactly what you will be doing and what is expected of you as a student of this MS course in the university. Try to reduce the discussion of your strengths to only the most important strengths that you have. No more than 3, in order to allow for a better developed university choice discussion in the conclusion.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

That decision is something that you should make for yourself. My opinion is that it can accurately respond to both prompts. Although, I am a bit partial to the transition to adulthood prompt for this essay because you showed a progression towards self responsibility and a desire to take control of your life when it seemed like your parents would be right about your inability to function without them. If you follow the new prompt that I am suggesting, then there will no longer be any need for your to add more content to the essay regarding the decision aspect of the previous prompt. The essay seems to come together more in support of prompt 5 from my point of view. I guess the best thing for you to do at this point is analyze which of the two prompts you are more inclined to respond to using the essay that you developed. If you decide to use it for prompt 5, that is alright. I don't wish to unduly influence you as the decision regarding which prompt to respond to should be based on personal preferences. So, either prompt that you decide to use the essay with is fine with me. I have already explained to you why I am partial to prompt 5 but don't let that influence your final decision.

Letters / Cross Culture Internship 2017 - Motivation Letter [5]

Aasma, I don't think that you really understood what the prompt requirements were for this letter. A motivation letter discusses the development of your interest in a particular problem that you wish to resolve through the cross culture internship. The essay that you wrote tells a lot of backstory on your part but it is irrelevant backstory. There are only a few main points that must be presented in this essay. These points are, as per the prompt:

1. The reasons why you are applying for an internship in Germany
2. Your expectations regarding the program
3. The most suitable time for you to participate in the program.

Out of the 3 requirements, you only got 1 response right and that is when you feel that you can successfully participate in the program.

In the first paragraph, your reasons for applying to this internship should tie in directly with your advertising experience. The story you told about tutoring children unable to go to school is irrelevant to the prompt requirement as you can see. You need to focus on responding to the 3 prompt instructions and nothing more. So, tell the reviewer why you feel that your current work will benefit from your exposure to the Media and Culture field of Germany. What does advertising have to do with this line of interest on your part?

During the discussion of your interest in the program, you should be able to better represent your expectations regarding how you hope the program can help you and in turn, explain how your participation can help the other participants in the program through a clear cultural exchange activity or simply interacting with one another. The discussion about the time of your participation should be the closing statement just as it is now.

Kindly revise the essay to better reflect the above requirements. From there, we can continue to edit the content for relevance and importance to the essay expectations.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, I would like to let you know that the essay you developed can actually be used to answer option 5 as well:

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The essay that you wrote will easily slide into any one of the 2 prompts. That means the "challenge" prompt or the "transition" prompt. Either way, this essay will work to represent your experience in a highly interesting and relevant manner. Getting back to the point, you successfully justified how you challenged the belief or idea and managed to prove your parents wrong. In order to create the final form of this essay using the "challenge" prompt in particular, you need to respond to the last part of the prompt, that is "Would you make the same decision again?" I think I know what your answer would be to that question but the reviewer needs you to respond specifically to that question with supporting data.

Scholarship / Epog program; I understand the need of education in reaching my ultimate goals [8]

Dina, this is a better version of your essay. But it still needs improvement in some portions. For example, when you discuss your related activities, you mentioned that you do a lot of work with government and non government agencies. As with any professional application, it is important that you offer examples of these activities by presenting the name of the organization and the activity that you participated in. If possible, present a description of what your participation was along with the years that you completed these activities.

This also applies to the meetings that you had with the French and Russian ambassadors. Give a description of what these meetings were about and what the resolutions arrived at were. If you cannot discuss these matters further because your participation was not that important or really just so minimal that you practically just fetched coffee for the actual participants, do not use those as references in the essay. We need to create an impact in the essay and that can only be done by letting the reviewer know that you participated in integral roles within activities requiring the presence of these highly important people.

The sentence about the importance of education is an unnecessary addition to the essay that should not be standing alone in that area of the essay. You can retain that line if you combine it with the Option C paragraph. Truth be told though, not including it in the essay will not matter. Just like the Michelle Obama quote, the reference is of no importance and does not move your essay forward by adding more important information to the text. The rest of the essay is already acceptable at this point.

Scholarship / Watching the world through the lens of mathematics. SOP for EM Scholarship for MSc Mathematics. [3]

Razzaq, the essay does not deliver a significant purpose for your desire for higher learning. If you review your essay, all of the discussions that you presented simply pertain to additional theoretical learning without any actual, practical application nor direct relationship with your current position of employment. Therefore, this cannot be considered an SOP. This is a personal statement. A properly developed Statement of Purpose signifies a desire to improve one's field of expertise through higher academic learning and training. That means, you should have a particular desire to concentrate or focus on a section of your career that seems either problematic or under developed to you.

Right now, all I get is the sense that you are obsessed with Mathematics but you do not have any actual use for it in your current field of work. The Erasmus Mundus Scholarship reviewers will see that there is actually no path towards a career for you in a higher level of employment because you are aimless in your approach to your studies. What you have to do is accurately represent the reason for your desire for higher studies. These reasons should be connected with a future idea that you have for your career or further improvements in your current position.

How will an MSc in Mathematics help to enhance your career goals? Do these goals set a 5 year career path for you? How so? Why do you believe that EM can help you achieve these goals through its scholarship? What can the scholarship expect from you after your graduation? These are some of the questions that a statement of purpose, in relation to a scholarship application, require responses to.

Undergraduate / "The White Crayon" - Art School Admission Personal Statement REVIEW [2]

Diandra, is there a specific instruction for this personal statement as dictated by the university? If there are no preset in structions then this essay does not convey the sense of a personal statement. Instead, it gives off the vibe of a motivational essay. The discussion you outlined here indicates why you want to attend art school. It does not show the development of your artistic ability in the personal statement sense of the term. As a personal statement, the essay needs to show a deeper sense of how you were introduced to the world of art, how you began to participate in it, the evolution of your medium, and why you decided that art school at this particular university goes well with your personal plans for your artistic future. At this point, the personal statement should only highlight the development of your skills rather than the motivation behind it. Those are actually two different topics which, as clearly seen in this case, often get confused when the student begins to develop the response essay. If you won't mind developing the essay towards the proper slant, I believe that your personal statement can take on a more involved and relevant discussion with regards to the development of your interest in the arts.

Undergraduate / The idealist perspective. Why do you think Earlham is a good fit for you? [4]

Khusel, you should definitely use the second version of the last paragraph for your closing statement in the essay. It is effective and shows a clear direction for your studies. Not only that but it shows how you plan to use your voice to improve the student community and learning avenues at the university. So don't change anything in that paragraph. It works. It is a very good way to end the essay. As for the first paragraph, You don't need to use the discussion between you and your friend. Just go directly to the discussion about your being an idealist. That way you don't waste the time of the reviewer going through a discussion that doesn't really help to move the essay along. This is a word limited essay to we already know that the attention span and patience of the reviewer when reading your response will not be long either. So go for the central discussion immediately. That way he catches your point at once.

Undergraduate / I believe on Penn's education. Supplemental Essay for John Hopkins. [2]

Harriet, your essay tells us why you have chosen John Hopkins as your primary university application choice. You have not told us why you feel that John Hopkins will suit your academic needs, interests, and pursuits. In order to properly address the prompt, you need to not only tell us about the facilities that John Hopkins has, because as the reviewer, I already know everything that you are talking about here so you don't need to repeat that data to me. Instead. I would like to know why these offers align with your academic interests, research pursuits, or social advocacy. What you have here is basically a rehash of information publicly available except for the part about the choir. So keep the part about the choir intact. Rework the academic reasons as to why you feel Hopkins is a good fit for you instead. Tell us what you are interested in learning and how Hopkins can help with that. Be specific. The information you must share should be directly related to your chosen major. Not generalized information as you have now. Try to think of your response in this sense: "How do my academic interests fit into the Hopkins curriculum?" Discuss from there. Your advocacy information is not relevant in this essay because you do not explain how you can pursue these interests while at the university. That is part of how you "fit" in with the student community and social advocacy community at the university.

Graduate / I am looking for admission in MS in Financial Mathematics. Evaluate my SOP. [9]

Ragni, unfortunately, your request cannot be accommodated. We have a strict privacy policy at this forum regarding the non-sharing of email addresses in public postings in order to protect the identity and interests of the participants. As a contributor, I cannot deviate from that policy. I am really sorry about that.

You don't have to worry about gaining the attention of the person you want to have evaluate your papers though. Just mention the username of the person whom you wish to interact with directly for your paper at the start of your post. That way the attention of the person will immediately be called when your posting comes up in the unanswered or checklist. You can use the @ sign to accomplish that. Whoever it is that you want to have review your paper will definitely get back to you as soon as possible. Don't worry, we are all on call to help you out whenever you need us. So you won't have to wait too long for a response.

Undergraduate / "How you would use the education you obtain at our institution ?" (250) [4]

Hi Nanda, I believe that it would be best for you to indicate at the start of your post that the information contained in your essay will be for a different university. By letting us know that information beforehand, it removes the sense of redundancy and doubt from our minds as we review your essay. That is the only way we can know that the information is still applicable to the new prompt and will also help us to create a better review that will be directed specifically for the new university. You don't have to give the university name if you don't want to. Just let us know that it is a new university. Yes, aside from the Khan Academy thing, I don't find anything wrong with your essay in terms of content, format or grammar. Everything is applicable and shows your command of the English language.While some sentences can use improvement, I don't believe that your current way of stating things should be changed so that your feelings and thought process will remain obvious to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Reinstatement essay explaining recent academic dismissal [4]

Priyanka, you need to add information about your remaining part time job. The job description, name of the company, location, and working hours you need to complete will be part of the considerations for your readmission. You have to convince the committee that your new work schedule will work around your class requirements instead of your class requirements working around the job. Next, you will need to explain your new living conditions. If you can tell them where you now live, aside from assuring them that you no longer have to go home so often, it might help convince them that you are decided upon returning to college at the university. I believe that it will also be best if you do not mention that you spoke to your parents about financially supporting you anymore. After all, they were cause of your first problem to begin with. Just reinforce the idea that if need be, you are willing to support yourself financially in college. That will show a clear change in your financial dependence and sources that will allow you to better focus on your studies should you be readmitted to the university.

Undergraduate / He who does not know where he is coming from will never get to his destination. [3]

Yeboah, your essay does not respond to the prompt. Based upon your life experiences, it seems that the problem that you would wish to resolve or the types of problems that you would like to address would be how to financially help families that have lost their head of the family or primary income earner. That is the clear problem that you have to state at the beginning of your essay. Only after you state the problem should you go into your family background that led to your desire to help address these problems. By connecting the problem with your background, you will be able to properly address the essay. The latter part, which deals with the solutions that you used to overcome the problems are no particularly relevant to the essay. Just stick to the discussion of the problems, in relation to your background. The concluding statement should be a reiteration of why you would desire to help solve those problems based upon your personal experience.

Essays / What unique in Soccer and Economics courses? And what inspired you to apply to Union? Supplement [4]

Omer, you need to consider the reason that you decided to apply to Union. Was it internet based research? A recommendation from someone attending the university at the moment or a graduate of the university? If none of those factors exist for you, then you can best approach this essay prompt from a motivational response point of view. Look for the common connection between your interests in your chosen major and the programs offered by the university in this field. How does the university mission, vision, objective, or extra curricular offering inspire you to achieve your academic best at Union? This sort of prompt seeks to learn how familiar you are with the university either through its curriculum, notable graduates, or training programs. The inspiration to attend a university has to come from the way that you identify with the teaching method of the university. Does the teaching program gel with your learning style? If it does, then that is one reason why you should really opt to apply to Union.

The reasons that you present for consideration as part of the essay isn't relevant enough to catch the reviewer's attention. In fact, it will be presenting some pretty standard reasons for opting to apply to Union. That will make your application essay just one of the many common content essays that the reviewer will be reading. That is the more obvious response to the essay. You need to present a unique response in order to stand out from the common applications. I am suggesting one way that you can probably do that. I don't suggest following your current topic for presentation in the essay. It isn't going to work very well and will be quite difficult to develop in relation to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Innovation and Seeking the Truth [7]

Now you understand the prompt Jhe. All you have to do is pick one of the beliefs or values system from the list and use it to develop your new essay. Based upon the prompt requirements, there needs to be a personal connection and example coming from you in order to justify your belief system. Just pick one belief or value system because you only have 300 words to work with here so you should not waste it by over discussing the prompt by presenting more than one topic for the discussion. The instructions that I provided you should help you to better develop a new version of your essay. If you have any other questions about the prompt while you are developing your new draft, don't hesitate to post the question here. I will be sure to respond to you as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / "How have you overcome an obstacle or challenge you have faced in your life ?" (250) [2]

Nanda, just as you had to translate the meaning of "bandha" for the reviewer to understand what it means and the relevance of the term to your narrative, so do you also have to explain what the Madhesi is all about. If the reviewer doesn't have any idea what that political forum or organization is all about, he will really be lost as to why the organization has such power in your country. Aside from that necessary explanation, the rest of your essay showcases a strength of character and strong sense of determination that is uncommon in most teenagers. This is truly an impressive essay. However, I don't feel like the last sentence about the Nepalese proverb is necessary in the end. It feels like you need to explain it further in relation to the previous statements that you made. However, I think the word limitation will prevent you from doing that.

Undergraduate / "How you would use the education you obtain at our institution ?" (250) [4]

Nanda, I realize that the Khan Academy is most likely how you learned a number of things throughout your academic life. However, you seem to be constantly mentioning it in every essay that you write. Isn't it possible for you to develop a different way of helping your country other than the reference to a similarity to the Khan Academy? I apologize if you feel insulted. I do not mean to do that. It is just that in most of the essays you have written, which I hope are for various universities, this online academy is constantly being mentioned, which could lead to reader boredom for the reviewer. If you constantly say the same things in all your prompts, such as the reference to Khan, then the redundancy tends to get on the reviewers nerves and will serve to irritate, rather than impress him. It will irritate him because it would seem like you are not capable of developing another answer other than one that will always lead you back to Khan. That shows a limitation in terms of thought development on your part. I thought I would just point that out. Again, I do not mean to offend, just point out something that you may have overlooked.

Undergraduate / 'What you have learned about yourself as a result of the volunteering activities.' (250) [2]

Nanda, you badly need a transition sentence or paragraph in this essay that will effectively and relevantly connect your first activity, as an emergency volunteer, with your theater arts activity. It is important that you transition the story you are telling because the sudden shift in discussion is surprising and has the reviewer, or in this case, me, wondering about what the connection is between the two activities. Since the two activities relate to the earthquake. Develop something about the earthquake as the connection between the two.

By the way, in the last sentence of your first paragraph, I hope you will consider an improvement to the presentation of the sentence as it seems quite awkward at the moment. I suggest that you present that part as follows instead:

Although I am an admitted Science and Engineering aficionado, I acknowledge that I also have an interest in Pharmacy. Which is why I enjoyed giving prescription suggestions to the patients.

Before I forget, please review the capitalization use in your essay. You have words such as "president" capitalized when it should be written in lower case and proper nouns such as "Science" and "Engineering" written in lower case when it should be in upper case for the first letter as it refers to the formal title of a subject.

Undergraduate / Your 'ability to do' will appear in other parts of this application. The 'things needed to be done.' [3]

Marcus, I would not focus on community service or the community at this point. Most of the applicants to this program who post here have already used the same topic. So, if you want to be different, consider something other than the community to prove your ability to do. For example, you can refer to yourself as the topic of discussion. Try to recall a time when you were challenged to do something for your personal betterment. Perhaps it was a change in a negative attitude on your part, or a necessary improvement to something that was already good about you. The idea here is to show that you are capable of taking inspiration from other people, your shortcomings in life, or the demands of particular situations. Also, if you can, show that you are able to inspire others to become better members of the community or better themselves with regards to some questionable aspects of their character. You need to find a deeper reason that just being a community volunteer. The story that you are using at the moment is okay, but can't stand up to comparisons with the other essays being submitted by other applicants for this prompt.

Graduate / Nigerian activities and overview. Motivation letter for masters in Telecommunications Engineering [5]

Okoro, this is not a motivation letter. It sounds more like you are just airing your grievances against your country. That is not exactly what I would call motivation. In this case, you need to cut the essay short. There has to be a clear progression your motivation. Not just a series of complaints about what is wrong with your country in terms of telecommunication and internet connection. The motivation letter should pick up from the point of your professional career where you feel that you lack either information to better assess the telecommunications situation in your country, or the need for more technical training in order to enact improvements to the currently existing system. The motivation letter has to focus on the problem that you want to address and then give an overview of how you expect the university you have chosen to help you do this. In essence, you are motivated by the potential solution to a growing problem, with the help of training from this particular university. What motivates you is a singular problem that you want to address. The motivation letter is not a platform by which you can air your grievances. It is the platform by which you can share the inspiration for your desire to attend masters studies instead.

Undergraduate / The idealist perspective. Why do you think Earlham is a good fit for you? [4]

Khusel, you don't really make a clear connection between the programs that Earlham offers in relation to why the university is a perfect fit for you. In this case, you need to pick one of the interdisciplinary academic centers of the university and then relate your interests, such as being an idealist, to that academic center. Do some deeper research into the university. The discussion about the Colab center is really interesting and offers you, as the student, a clear path towards learning. Pick one of the labs to discuss as being a perfect fit for you based upon what you have read. Since you have not been able to visit the university, it will be best to try to create a personal connection between what you have read and why it makes the university a good fit for you. The story about you being an idealist will only be relevant if you can somehow connect it to one of the 3 major academic offerings of the university. I hope you can find that connection in order to create a better "fit" essay for your application.

Undergraduate / 'I was never truly exposed to poverty' UBC Undergraduate Entrance Essay [3]

Philip, the story that you shared is indeed enlightening. However, the last part, about how it taught you something about yourself and the world around you is not as remarkable a statement as it should be. The lessons learned on your part are pretty much run of the mill and common in almost all of the essays that will be submitted for this prompt. It would be better if you try to highlight the part about you helping others as best as you can instead. That is a more interesting response to the prompt in terms of lessons learned about yourself and the world around you. Simply saying that you don't take your life for granted anymore after that experience isn't really going to stand out while the reviewer reads the essay. We need a more relevant and significant statement in that particular portion in order to make the essay more interesting for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Overcoming Is Growing/ Global UGRAD Program: Why would you be a valuable attendant? [3]

Grettel, let's try to split the focus of the essay. While I agree that your story is highly moving and should definitely make you a contender for a scholarship slot, there is a missing aspect to this essay. The missing aspect is, according to the criteria of the scholarship, how you can be an inspiration to others or work with others who are members of the scholarship program to bring a unique, enlightening, and learning experience during the semester. You can easily accomplish that task within your essay by discussing how you have served as an inspiration to those who know you, those who get to know you, and those who just see you in the school. All because you have learned to overcome adversity and turn it not into an enemy, but a challenge that allows you to overcome any obstacle and succeed where others believe you will fail. By creating a little drama in your essay, it should stand out more and be memorable enough for final consideration.

Scholarship / My friend is always the one who gives big impact to my life. (NTU scholarship application) [4]

Tennor, refocus the content of your essay discussion. Rather than presenting your friend in this stand alone manner, discuss him in a manner that constantly relates to you instead. That is because the essay needs to see the direct relationship that your development as a person had on your personality. Therefore, the reviewer needs to know what kind of person you were before you met your friend. What were your weaknesses and strengths? Were you a good or bad person? Then discuss how you met this person and how he positively affected your life. Discuss the improvements that you found yourself evolving into based on his influence. Make sure that the direct relevance of his wise words or your emulation of his actions made you a better person. You will have to write a totally new essay but I assure you that it will be well worth the 300 newly developed sentences that you will be writing.

Graduate / WORKING WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN. SLP Graduate Program Essay! [11]

Maura, although it is a bit confusing, the fact that you have stood up for your advocacy is clear in the essay. What is not clear, is what your long term plans after graduate school might be. Try to balance the presentation of both the advocacy and the long range career plans on a 50/50 basis. The best way to approach this essay would be to present your personal background (without the advocacy yet) that led you to the door of SLP first. Then follow it up with your academic pursuit of this line, keeping up the pace by then presenting your current professional role that could segue into your long term plans of say 1-5 years. Finally, close the essay with the advocacy explanation. That way the statement will follow a more logical discussion on paper and limit your unfocused discussion of your advocacy as it is currently presented. There is actually something very familiar with the topics presented here for discussion. Have you submitted parts of this essay to another university before? Please answer me honestly because the validity of your discussion in the eyes of the reviewer rests on the originality of the content of your paper.

Essays / Rochester Supplement on applying my powers to 'things needed to be done.' [6]

Falaq, while the examples above are good as references, I am afraid that you might accidentally copy what the other students have already done because you do not understand the prompt very well. So what I will do here is try to explain the prompt to you in a manner that you can refer it to your own family life in an effort to show how you "do things" for the betterment of your family .

In your family, think of a time when the members of your family were faced with a seemingly insurmountable problem How did you help the family overcome it? Or maybe, think of a time when you were being asked to do something by your parents which you did not really want to do but were forced to do because they told you that "You can do this." and it turns out that when you did it, your family was able to accomplish something better with your help. Something like, your family member being ill and then you had to help take care of the sick person in order to allow your other family members to be able to do other things. Think of something that you did which helped the family. That is the bottom line of that essay.

I suggest that you go with the family aspect of discussing the prompt because both the examples above already refer to the community. Since you want your essay to stand out when the reviewer considers your work, you should opt to write about a different topic than everyone else.

Essays / How to write an essay in World Poverty - answering some questions [3]

Jimi, the topic of "World Poverty" is too broad for a 10 page essay. Hasn't your professor advised you to narrow down your topic yet? It is important that you lessen your discussion field in order for you to properly be able to assess the relevant information that you need for the essay. "World Poverty" isn't something that can be discussed in 10 pages. Rather, it is something that requires a masters degree thesis to even introduce as a topic. I strongly suggest that you narrow down your research topic to represent a more narrowed down research paper. Please refer to:

Joseph Rowntree Foundation 100 Questions: identifying research priorities for poverty prevention and reduction

online as a possible aid in narrowing down your research topic. It offers you a series of discussion questions to be responded to in the research you will be doing. That means that your topic will not only be narrowed down, but you will also have a series of guide questions to help you get started with your research.

Undergraduate / BU Transfer Essay- "the objectives" - The Shot [3]

Gabriella, your being rejected from NYU is not an issue in this case. In fact, bringing it up is not something that will reflect well once your credentials are considered. If you notice, the rejection from NYU doesn't factor into any of the transfer documents that you are submitting to BU. Therefore, your current essay is not really relevant for its purpose. The only reasons that a reviewer will want to read in this response are the following:

1. Your personal or academic reasons for transferring
2. The reasons why you feel that the transfer to BU is the only solution to your dissatisfaction with your current academic set up.
3. Why and how you hope to perform better as a BU student.

Those are the only reasons you have to explain in your essay. Your GPA discussion is irrelevant because you will be considered not based upon your explanation of your grades but rather, the results in your transcript of records. Therefore, no amount of explanation about the grades on your part will matter.

You should keep this essay for a relevant supplemental prompt instead. I believe that this essay will work better to explain your desire to attend BU, but not in the transfer reasons essay. I am sure the opportunity for you to discuss NYU and Bu being your first choice school in the past will come up. You just have to wait for the right time to discuss it. Now, isn't the right time.

Scholarship / Epog program; I understand the need of education in reaching my ultimate goals [8]

Dina, if you cannot further develop the quote from Michelle Obama, then it is best if you do not use it at all in the essay. It is misplaced in the overall format and does not really tie in smoothly with the rest of the essay that you wrote. It is just a single sentence that does not really play a supporting role in the essay so instead of using the quote, it would be better if you just allow the essay to fall into place the way that it does, in a smooth manner, when the quote is not there. In the closing remarks of your essay, you have to make reference to how the education you will receive will help you to better approach the problems that your country has. To be more specific, you should come up with a specific problem to focus on resolving through this masters education that you will be receiving. Right now, there is a lack of focus on the specific problem that you want to address through your studies. If you can present the problem and relate it to the education that you will be receiving and how these will all tie together upon your return your country, then the essay will become more informative and possibly stand out from the other essays in the roster of applicants.

Undergraduate / 5th December: The day that I will never forget. [5]

One thing that you should never do is try to pre-empt the content of your common app essays because doing so will result in misdirected discussions and unclear paragraph developments such as you have done here. I do not advice that any of my students develop essay prompts for themselves in an effort to save themselves time. If your university of interest does not have an open topic or supporting essay prompt, then your work will be useless and you will find yourself constantly trying to make this essay that you wrote for no reason, fit the prompt requirements of the actual prompts.

If you really desire to use this essay, which I doubt you will be able to use, then you should work on this in the manner of a personal statement. That is because the personal statement allows you to discuss the development of your interest in your particular major using events from your personal life. Now, if you can tell me what your major will be in college, we can probably pick out the topics for discussion which will be relevant to a generalized personal statement for a specific university.

Scholarship / The vital role of aid assistance. Draft essay for an Australian Award Scholarship [7]

Bona, the content of the essay is already relevant to the application prompt. So, in my opinion, you do not have to do any more editing in terms of content. It is enough that you at least have some hypothetical situations presented as to how you plan to use the new knowledge that you will be acquiring upon your return to Cambodia. There is a clear post study plan indicated so the scholarship committee will appreciate that. However, you have not paid particular attention to the way that you developed your work in terms of grammar accuracy. You will need to review your essay for proper noun presentation. Keep in mind that all nouns related to people, places, and things always have to be capitalized. You failed to that in a few instances in this essay. So you have to review the essay for possible grammar inaccuracies such as the capitalization problems. So far, that is the only problem that I have seen in the essay. Once you correct those problematic words, the essay can already be used with the rest of your applications requirements.

Undergraduate / 5th December: The day that I will never forget. [5]

Amrit, this essay does not properly respond to the prompt provided. The focus of the essay is on a personal incident that happened to your family, then it moved on to discuss your grandmother, then finally, the community service that you do. Not once was the actual focus of the essay on you and how these events helped you develop into the person you are today. This cannot be used to specifically respond to any of the 5 common app prompt requirements because of the lack of focus of the essay.

So let me be clear about something. You will have to write a new essay. You have to pick one of the topics from the prompt. Either you describe your family (without the long unrelated story of your grandfather's heart attack), your grandmother and her influence upon you, or your community (but not how you help the community). If you opt to discuss the community, you have to talk about the community offers you opportunities to become a better person. Not how you help the community as a member of it. This essay is all about the positive influences in your life. So the stories have to revolve around how you were shaped by a specific person or place. You have to totally disregard everything that you originally wrote because the focus of this current essay is all wrong.

Undergraduate / Can you proofread my Personal Statement and tell me how to improve it? [3]

Zoraiz, we will gladly help you edit your essay if you will post the actual essay here. For security and anti-virus purposes, we are not allowed to download files from unknown sources to our computer systems. It is best that you follow our forum rules regarding the posting of essays in individualized threads so that you can get complete and enthusiastic guidance from both contributors and participants at this forum. We will be unable to help you with your essay unless you do so. Please upload your essay in this thread as soon as you can so that you can get assistance from us at the soonest possible time. We are all here to help you but we cannot help you in the method that you want us to. Our forum rules are very clear about this. If you wish to know more about uploading and editing guidelines, please refer to the FAQ or Student Talk section of this forum. Thank you.

As a personal statement, you must find a way to integrate a discussion of the course curriculum of the university that you are planning to apply for admission to in the essay. Depending upon your maximum word count, you will either increase the information contained in this personal statement or, you will have to remove some portions of the essay which relate more to a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement.

From the way your essay is currently written, you will need to further develop your last paragraph in order to deliver a concrete discussion about the university that you chose and why. The overall content of your essay may be considered relevant to the personal statement, provided that you have responded properly to the personal statement prompt.

If you were given a prompt or specific instructions to follow for the development of your personal statement, then kindly share those instructions with us here so that we can further scrutinize your work for compliance, relevance, and possible errors.

Graduate / I wrote an essay named Tet holiday on my life in Vietnam [2]

Letrang, while there are numerous problems with the grammar that you used in this essay, I would like to focus first on the content of your essay. You see, not everyone is familiar with the Tet holiday. So, in the first paragraph of your essay, you should have taken time to explain what the Tet holiday is all about to the reader. Is it like the Vietnamese Christmas? I think it is similar to that from what you have related in your essay. So explain about the history and tradition of the festival along those lines. Then, for your thesis statement or statement of topic discussion towards the end of the introduction, tell the reader what you will be discussing about the holiday in your essay. Say you will discuss your family experience and how it has changed over the years because of improvements to your life. That way, the rest of the discussion of the essay will make the reader understand more about you through the meaning of the holiday. If you can edit the content of the essay first, we can fix the grammar during the next round of reviewing your written work. Your essay first needs to make sense to the reader before the language can be fixed.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, I can't really respond to that in this thread. You see, this thread is dedicated to your other prompt, which we addressed in this thread. You have to start a new thread for the discussion of your common app activity prompt. This is a one topic per thread or one essay per thread forum. So post the other essay about the common app activity prompt, along with the essay you wrote for it in a new thread. That way I can better assess the prompt in relation to your full response. I cannot do that here because the admin will delete the discussion due to the one essay per thread ruling. I'll be on stand by. Post the other essay in a new thread. That way, I can also better review the work that you did. Right now, I am functioning on hearsay and it is difficult to judge your work this way.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Remove the reference to football and The Spectator. That is already being discussed in a different essay prompt. It does not fit with the rest of the essay content in this case. Pick it up from "I will do my best to deliver help..." in order to write a more concise essay based upon what I guided you to write. As for the Versatilist, yes, I believe you can use that developed response for the prompt requirement you provided. It should not be a problem to use because it does not require any more revision in your part in order to make it fit the prompt. It already responds to the prompt as it is. So, at this point, you already know what final revisions you need to apply to the current essay and also, that you don't need to apply revisions to the other one. As such, the essays will both be ready for submission after you apply the instructions. You don't have to ask me for final approval anymore.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, if you already mention the club in the common app activity portion, then you cannot use the same club activity in this section. One rule that colleges and universities are strict on in their applications is that they do not allow for redundancies or repeated discussions of the same topic in different essay prompts. Think of something else. I know it is difficult, but I am sure that you will find a way to do it. Look for a character trait of yours. It does not have to be a club. It can just be you helping to make other new students feel welcome by being friendly with them. You can say that people who first meet you think you are a snob so they are surprised to find out that you are a very friendly and helpful person once they get to know you. That is a layer of your onion that people won't know about if they don't peel off more layers of your onion skin. Try to use my suggested topic here to develop a statement along those lines. The one you have above would have been perfect to use, if you did not already use it before in a different application prompt. I am so sad about that.