Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Mualla, while I understand that the group you belonged to was some sort of Big Sister program, it would be beneficial to the reviewer if you gave a simple background explanation of the group and how you ended up being assigned to teach the kids Math. That is a glaring gap in the essay that actually affects the way that a reviewer would receive or understand your essay. Did you volunteer to teach Math? If so, why? If you were assigned to this task, explain what skill you have that made the powers that be in the organization consider you the perfect person for the Math program with the children.

More importantly, since you were only a tutor for the students, why did you decide to throw yourself totally into their math learning sessions? What is the backstory in that? What motivated you to improve your teaching style when others would not mind if nobody listened to them because this is just a volunteer task anyway?

This is actually one of your better developed essays. The grammar and sentence structure problems are minimal and can actually wait for editing. Concentrate on perfecting the content first, then we can work out the remaining simple problems of your essay.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Hey Parjo. Yes, one of my names is Rose and you call me that if you want to. I don't mind. I am happy that I am able to help you improve your letter with the little help that I can offer in terms of guiding you in the development of the content of your letter. Don't forget, you are the one writing the letter so this is all about your abilities. I am only pointing you in the right direction. It is because you can understand and follow the advice given to you that your letter will continue to improve until you feel ready to submit it.

You can definitely inform me when you post your revised letter. Just start the post with my name at the start of your post so I will know to check your work once you upload it. Remember to post the revised version in this thread because the admit will just merge your new post with this one if you start a new thread for it.

I will be more willing to continue working with you on the content and format of the paper. I often see the new posts or continuing posts of the people I am helping so I will make sure to keep an eye out for your essay. I look forward to reading your letter in a few days. I know it will definitely show marked improvement on your part.

Undergraduate / I am a manifest renaissance man. The long term scholastic and professional ambitions [2]

Numi, since this program concentrates on engineering (bio-engineering?) it would be best if you limit your long term academic and professional goals to only the areas that intertwine with this field of interest. While law may be one of your other academic goals, it is irrelevant to your participation in this program and therefore, should not be included. You should only reveal information related to the specific field of interest that this program supports.

The story of your aunt should be the opening statement of your essay because it is an extremely interesting and revealing hook in terms of gaining the interest of the reader. If you open with that statement, then follow it up with your academic plan before you present your professional goals, that paragraph should work way better than it does now.

When you discuss how your participation in the program will help you, try to be more specific. You are discussing the program in general terms in your essay when you are required to show a sense of familiarity with the program requirements and offerings. Look into more specific aspects of the program that applies to you. Mention how these program activities can specifically help you. Make sure to let the reader know which parts of the program excite you the most because these are the parts where you plan to fully participate in an effort to further increase you abilities and and skills as an Engineer in training. By showing your familiarity with the program offerings, you will let the reader know that you are more than ready to join this program and that you will most likely be a successful participant.

Graduate / "I cried as the sea waves washed away my sand castle. 21 years later, an architect admired the sea!" [7]

Chanchal, it would be best if you tried to tie in your personal interest in architecture with your personal history. Don't start from the age of 10 though. That would not really be the best age to start off a motivational letter. Hold on... Let me start from the beginning. It is important that you know how to adjust the letter because right now, you have an autobiography instead of the makings of a personal motivation letter.

When one speaks of the motivation to do something, such as study an MS in architecture in this case, the reasons for that have to start from within. Normally, it is because you feel like something is lacking in your education. That even with the year long experience you have in the professional world, you know that there is still more for you to learn. So your personal history should reflect the specific interest that you wish to pursue in relation to architecture. What motivated you to become an architect in the first place? Talk about that, then discuss how it relates to your current interests in architecture. Don't overboard the way you are doing now. How can I put it? Okay, try to write the essay this way.

You have 2 pages to complete your essay with right? So that means 2 topics on 2 pages would be 600 words each. So, if you were to use single spacing for the essay, you can dedicate a single page of 600 words per topic. I would not try to blend the personal history with your reason for applying. Write them as 2 separate essays for now. That way, you can offer a complete word count for every topic and fully develop your thoughts. Once you have fully developed both essays. You can begin working on taking various parts and combining them in order to create a new, more inter-related essay that will deliver a personal feel for both the history and the reasons for applying.

As far as I am concerned, you are not at the point where you should be thinking about editing the essay yet. That is because all you have is the first part. It is easier to edit the essay once you have written both parts. We have more room to play around in in terms of merging the two prompt topics. Is there any chance you can complete both essays first and then post them here so that we can have a more solid understanding of what you wish to present in the letter? I believe we can all work best that way.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Hi Parjo, let me start by saying that you are selling yourself short by saying that you don't have any professional experience. The fact that you worked in your parents store means that you have work / profession related experience to speak of. So never say tha tyou do not have any work experience because you do.

Let me see if I can help you better sort out how the paragraph topics should go in your letter. Now, you know that this should use a letter format because you have to sign the form at the end of the letter. Therefore, this is not a simple statement essay, but rather a formal document that should properly inform the reader. So the best way to present your motivation would be in this manner:

For the first paragraph, explain the work experience that you had at your parent's store. If your parents assigned you to formal position titles, mention it in the paragraph along with a short description of the work that you did in relation to the title. By the end of this paragraph, you should already be transitioning into the reason for your interest in this field of study.

The second paragraph should contain a direct reference to your motivation to study this course. It would be beneficial if you could mention that the store burned at this point and how this motivated you look into the possibility of not having physical stores for your family business anymore. Don't mention any data specific information because that is not part of the requirements of the essay. Also, just because the data makes mention of certain specifics, that doesn't mean that you qualify under the same criteria. So lessen the chance of comparison by simply not mentioning information not directly related to your personal motivation to pursue the course.

Third paragraph, explain how you have decided that this is an avenue of study that you have chosen to pursue due to what happened to your family and that you have chosen this university to attend.

Fourth paragraph. Inform the reviewer that you are excited to start attending the upcoming semester at the university under the masters course of your choice. Close by reminding the reviewer that your motivation to complete these studies are strong based upon your personal experience.

I hope this clarifies things for you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you have any other questions. I am looking forward to assisting you further in the development of your paper.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

The vagueness works for the leadership part of the prompt. By showing personal initiative to learn about things of interest to you, you were able to inspire and lead the others to pursue their own ambitions and dreams in terms of learning, discovering. To be more specific, this updated paragraph tends to shed light on your participation in the following prompt requirement:

... evidence of your academic service to advance equitable access to higher education for women, ...

So you have managed, on your own, to eliminate another of the problems that your essays faced in terms of the prompt requirement. With any luck, you will also be able to find a way, whether intentional or not, to respond to the final part of the essay requirements as well. I'll be waiting excitedly to hear the response from the university. Best wishes !

Undergraduate / Rice University - cultural perspective essay [2]

Allana, why are you discussing only food when you should be discussing how you have a unique cultural identity because of your being a Filipino - American? When you are asked to speak of cultural traditions, you must represent the side of your identity that is not well known to the reviewer. Granted that he will be more than familiar with the American culture, values, and traditions so you should focus on the Filipino side of your family culture and traditions. What you are relating is not really a representation of the culture and traditions of that side of your family.

Having some Filipino friends myself, I am fascinated by the respectful culture that the Filipinos seem to have. I never could understand why my friend always placed the back hand of his elders on his forehead when he saw them. I found it strange. Until he explained to me that this was a sign of respect and a request for blessings of the general kind in his life coming from his elders. Apparently Filipinos are big on respect for their elderly. Then there are those terms that he uses on his siblings to signify they were older than him. I can't remember the terms exactly but he said it meant elder brother / sister.

Those are parts of his culture that made him unique in my eyes and also, made him quite popular among our schoolmates and shared friends. It is my belief that these are the kinds of cultural traditions that the essay is asking you to represent. These are the qualities that you can share with the student community which can help it become not only inclusive, but more progressive and evolved as your extended family. These would be the unique contributions that you could make to Rice College.

If you can't think of any cultural traditions to write about, ask your grandmother. I bet she will have boatloads of stories to tell you. My friend told me that he got to know about his Filipino side because of his grandmother. Maybe the same thing will work for you?

Writing Feedback / McDonalds takes part in novel technology. [3]

Nina, you did not write a summary of the article. You wrote an opinion paper. The information for the summary should have included the information that McDonalds will be launching their ordering mobile app in 2017. Making mention of the markets that would be part of the launch should have been a key part of the summary, as well as the recently launched ordering kiosks in their restaurants. Mention of the 500 stores of the 14,000 would have been the best way to conclude the essay because that would inform the reader that they can wait for the technology to become a regular part of their favorite branch's service operations. Overall, this is a very weak and uninformative essay. It does not present any proper information from the original article and as such, doesn't do its job as a summary version of the original work.

Writing Feedback / Article summary : National scene: Vocational students to get skill certificates [2]

Nda, your summary is very good. It offers almost all of the important key points that were discussed in the essay and offered a clear overview of the reason why this development is important to the vocational students. The only critique that I have is that you did not offer examples of the courses or job departments that would benefit from this accelerated certification. As these were mentioned in the closing moments of the original article, it was important for you to have presented that information as well. Your readers would have wanted to know what courses, for example, would be best for them to take in the vocational schools if they wished to find employment based on their trained abilities. That would have increased the length of your essay and made it more adherent to the requirements for this summary test. Save for that lacking information, the essay is an acceptable and informative summary of the original article.

Undergraduate / Frog. Deefrog. Froggy. UVA Essay: Favorite Word (Odd but unique essay) (250 words) [5]

Deepak, I believe that you should write a new conclusion for your essay. A separate paragraph that shows how you are affected by your unique nickname. There are some people who are not receptive to the monikers that they are given by their friends and family. However, you seem to have a different mindset regarding your nickname. So it would be nice to read about how you first reacted to learning about the nickname and why you reacted that way. Basically, the conclusion show how proud you are to wear the nickname and that the name you were given has only helped you develop a unique mindset or how it helped you develop to become the person you are today.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Zai, do you have any way of contacting the admissions office of the university? I believe that you should contact them either via phone, email, or social media in order to get clarification regarding that part of the prompt. I agree with you about that portion being more relevant to social sciences. However , no distinction was made in the prompt requirement regarding the applicability of that section. Therefore, we cannot assume that it can be skipped, overlooked, or ignored on your part. Someone from the university should be able to help clarify that point for you. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do that for you because I am not from the university you are applying to. The worst thing you can do at this point is assume what should be in your essay and what part you can ignore. When you feel lost, it is always best to ask questions. Specially when something as pivotal as your admissions essay to your university of choice is on the line. Please let me know what they tell you. I am interested to learn the answer myself.

Undergraduate / Both my parents separated just when I was about 3 months. Surroundings in which you were raised. [3]

Elena, your essay doesn't follow the correct format that you were provided with for this online application. You should be writing no more than 120 top to bottom lines which only have 80 characters per line from the right to the left. Your characters per line, which also includes the spaces between characters is always over 100. In order to properly write this essay, you should use the courier font and set your margins so that you will only be able to type 80 characters per line. Your essay may not be accepted by the online system if you do not follow the correct formatting for the page. So the best way to type your essay would be to set your margins to fit only 80 characters and then count 120 lines throughout your essay discussion.

This format is quite specific and difficult to accomplish. So you have to start working on your revisions as soon as possible. Your character count is currently 3127 with only 25 lines but at over 100 words per line. It is the line character count that is your problem here.

As you can see from the instruction explanation, you have a long way to go in meeting the proper character count and format. I suggest that you make the adjustments to your format before you proceed with revising your content. That is so that you will sure to have only 80 characters per line. It will be easier to meet the 120 line requirement that way.

Writing Feedback / Help Performing Marker's Revisions on Advertisement Analysis Essay [3]

Thomas, I wish you had included a file copy of the advertisement that you are discussing in the essay. That way we could have a clearer point of reference for your discussions in the paper. If there is one thing that I would like to suggest for the improvement of your presentation, it would have to be regarding the demographics of the ad. Who is the ad designed for? If we know the target audience, age range, buying capacity, and other relevant material, or information regarding the target ages and scenarios. Connecting the demographics by making them inclusive to the research statements allows the research to present more accurate information to the reader and properly supports your claims and documentation in the report.

Undergraduate / Anecdote for Essay: ( Which one are you Again?) Memoirs of an Identical Twin [3]

Jasmen, upgrade the school level from second to sometime in high school and the anecdote should be more acceptable to the reviewer. The 2nd grade is not really considered a grade level where such realizations could be had. However, such pranks do happen at those times (I had twin classmates who played that very trick on us all the way to the 12th grade.). It is just the realization of having a shared, instead of individual identity sets in much later in life because at a younger age, you are best friends, playmates, and accomplices in "crime", so to speak. Now, if you want to use this anecdote, I suggest using it as the opening statement so that it becomes the narration that reels in your reviewer to read the rest of the essay. Now, having said that, I would really like to review what you have written in relation to the whole essay you developed. It is important that the anecdote be read in its actual setting so that we can finalize the position and content of the story. Some adjustments might also need to be made in order to make it better suit the overall essay information.

Undergraduate / Frog. Deefrog. Froggy. UVA Essay: Favorite Word (Odd but unique essay) (250 words) [5]

Deepak, you have written a pretty engaging essay. However, you have the paragraphs misplaced. You should open with the description of your character (Hopping around like a frog) and the unique personality that the name symbolizes within you. That way, when you go into the explanation as to why earned the moniker from your friends, it has a more personal connection to you. If you opt to present the statement in my suggested manner, you will not need the hanging paragraph at the start of the essay. It doesn't really help the response to move forward whether in the original form or in my suggested one. It is actually a redundant statement because you already explain the same thing within the other 2 paragraphs, in a more interesting manner. So you can take it out without affecting your actual response. You don't need to meet the maximum word count. Just make sure you are not under the word count in your final version and your statement response will be alright.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, while I understand why your teacher wants you add depth, there is really no reason to add other examples to the essay. The focus of the prompt is on a singular activity and the lessons you learned from it. Therefore, introducing a new activity would introduce a new series of lessons and lengthened your essay unnecessarily. For the depth portion, you can add information as to why you have always wanted to earn money. Maybe you felt your parents weren't giving you enough of an allowance? Or there was an item yo wished to purchase that your parents did not want to buy for you or they encouraged you to buy with money you earned so you would learn the value of money. Either of those reasons would add a more personal angle to the reason behind your joining the fair. If you just remove the reference to being an athlete, but still keep the essence of how you approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee), then the essay will be more informative and reflective in presentation.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Hi Parjo, a motivational letter should normally fit on a single A4 size paper and be composed of only 4 paragraphs. So you are right about your motivational letter being too long. I hate to say this but in my opinion, neither of the letters that you developed work well for you because the focus of the letters are not correct. Having said that, you do not have to write a totally new letter to create your motivational letter though. You just need to take the relevant parts of each letter, covering the maximum 4 paragraphs, in order to plead your case. So which parts of these letters would I take to create the proper motivational letter for you?

Use the following parts from either letter:
The story of your parent's shop burning down;
Why you believe this course is something you will benefit from based upon that experience;
What skills you have academically and professionally that led you to the conclusion that you will excel in this masters study course;
Why you chose to study at this university.

A motivational letter is your chance to introduce your background to the masters committee. Your letter lacks that personal touch that will show them the motivations behind your actions. So by developing a 3rd letter, within the proper parameters of not having more than 4 paragraphs to explain your cause, your motivational letter will better introduce you to them.

For the motivational part, make sure that you explain the question that you developed after the fire and then pursue the line of explanation as to how the university can, in short form as most of the explanation should be located in your statement of purpose, assist you in pursuing the answer to the research question. Make sure you sound excited about attending the university in order to accomplish this. Show your passion for the subject. Don't sound so academic. There is no need to quote specific information in your letter. Just talk about your interest in the subject from a personal point of view. You are not yet writing your thesis at this point. Just keep it short and personal.

This letter is only a part of your application, it normally accompanies your other application essays and documentation. So the letter should only serve as a summary overview of the documents submitted. Focus on building your image as a successful person in your own right based upon your summarized academic and professional accomplishments.

Undergraduate / "Table No. 4: 1 Langoustine Ceviche & 2 medium-rare veal filets" extracurricular activities essay [6]

Thanks Kevin. I decided to reformat your essay for you in order to make it more interesting to the reader. I will omit presenting portions that are not really necessary to the prompt. Such as the instruction for table no. 4 and the response to the command. That is just a filler, a complete statement will work more to your advantage than trying to reel the reviewer in with a shouting statement. It is shouting because your response ends in an exclamation point. That is never acceptable in a formal essay.

My year long internship at the 5-Star La Pirogue Resort was the most eye opening experience that I have had in my quest for culinary excellence. Working under Executive Chef Murday as part of his Brigade de Cuisine opened my eyes to the joy that comes from working in the culinary world and the exhaustion that also comes with it. This was the year that i gained an insight into the ups and downs of a chef's life, and I still decided that I would continue to pursue my dream.

From the late night preparations to the long hours on my feet as a sous chef, I came to understand the demands that high cuisine cooking places on its practitioners. However, plating that perfect dish being relished by the clients of the restaurant made all of the efforts and lack of rest worth it at the end of the day.

This is exactly 150 words and better represents the work that you did during that time. Please consider it a suggestion for how to improve your essay or, use this as your response instead. I am giving you permission to do so if you wish to do that.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Zai, we still need to have your essay represent the following, final part of the prompt : "evidence of your research focusing on underserved populations or related issues of inequality, or evidence of your leadership among such groups." From the way I read your research work, it definitely does not relate in any way to this portion of the essay discussion. You do serve an example of research that you did. However, it is personal in nature and doesn't really show a progression in your career as a researcher. My suggestion is that you first present the statement that resulted in your thesis paper as an MS student. From there, develop a spin-off question or a new question that still somehow relates to the research that you did as a masters student. The idea being that you will show continuation of the previous research. I am just unsure as to how you will relate that to under served population, inequality, or leadership. However, owing to the story that you shared, I think you should be able to develop a leadership relevant question for your dissertation paper. Do you think there is a way that you can do that? It is important to respond to all of the required elements in the prompt because skipping a question will make it hard for the reviewer to consider your application.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Thank you for the compliment Zhai. I am glad that I was able to help you understand how best to work the prompt to your benefit. You actually had all of the information required in the essay that you wrote. The problem, is that you did not know how to best present it. Just like the other students responding to application prompts, you tend to over explain yourself in an effort to make yourself more understood. That is one of the problems that I saw with your writing. Then, there is the problem of you not totally understanding some aspects of the prompt as well. Such as the term "higher learning". That was really a difficult one for you to comprehend. So what can I suggest to you so that you can further improve your writing?

You can try to break the prompt down into sections if the instructions come in multiple forms (like this essay). Once you have separated the questions, you can list down what you think the required responses are per question. From this point, analyze your potential responses and delete the weakest information (from your point of view). That should leave you with only the strongest responses to the prompt. After you do this, you can try to write a draft of the essay and then have someone else read your work for you. Make sure that person knows what prompt you are responding to and ask for his comments regarding any potential problems with your response.

If you are not comfortable doing that, you can always come here to EF and post the prompt in the "Essay" section. There are a number of students who come to EF just to post the prompt and request for help as to how they can best respond to it or ask for clarification regarding the information that they should be sure to include in their response. You are welcome to do the same thing and we will be sure to assist you as best as we can. That way, you are sure to draft the essay in the proper manner and hopefully, require lesser revisions to your content and response portions.

Undergraduate / I am quirky myself. Why Tufts? Which aspects prompt your application [2]

Hi Asiye, I hope you won't be offended by what I am about to tell you. There is a portion of your essay that doesn't really belong there because you have not actually had a campus visit to Tufts. I speak of the ceremonies and activities that you just read about in blogs by other students or alumna. You cannot accurately declare that you will fit in at Tufts based upon the experience of other people. If you haven't experienced it, how can you tell that you will have the same experience or memory as the person who actually experienced the event? Do you see the problem there? You cannot base your fitting into the university upon hearsay.

Since the social aspect of fitting into Tufts is really a requirement but a mere option in the prompt, I strongly suggest that you opt to discuss the academic aspect instead because you at least, have access to the course curriculum or an explanation regarding the kind of classes that you will be taking, which would tie in directly with your decision to apply for admission to Tufts.

Keep in mind that you do not need to use all 100 words for this essay. As long as you represent one aspect of the prompt choices in at least 50 words, your statement will be acceptable to the system (if you are applying online) and the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Hopes and Dreams... The fate of my father and countless others in Kathmandu [3]

Gyanas, you are aiming too high with your prompt. You are dealing with a problem that is not resolvable on an individual or personal level. That is why your response to the solution part is so generic and lacking in direction that it affected your overall essay. While I understand how you wish to impress the reviewer by choosing such a large problem, which has a personal connection to you, the method of solving that problem is not something you can undertake alone. The essay is actually testing your problem solving skills on a lower level than you are portraying here. Aim for a more solvable problem or a personal problem that you were able to solve.

Don't take on a government sized problem and then try to grasp at straws or be unable to present possible solutions that you know you cannot implement.This is not about sparking a flame in others, this is about your ability to analyze and deal with problems that could hinder you in some way. That is where the personal aspect of the essay comes in.

Again, this is a problem solving task essay. So lower your standards and show the reviewer that you are capable of solving certain personal problems that come your way. It is not the magnitude of the problem that will impress the reviewer. He will be impressed by the method that you opted to solve or hope to solve the moderately sized problem.

Scholarship / "Do anything that you appreciate, do it elaborately" is my motto to lead me study science and art [7]

Potjarnard, I apologize if I made you think that I was angry at you. That was not my intention. I am looking forward to helping you improve this essay. I can totally understand how you feel and why these mistakes are occurring in your essay. Don't fret, I will make sure that this paper will get cleaned up and reflect the message that you want to deliver in accordance with the prompt requirements. So, get the prompt requirements to this thread as soon as you can. I am looking forward to working with you on this essay. I am familiar with the KGSP scholarship but I still need the prompt requirement from you because we need to present your essay in 2 parts. I need to know if it should be presented in the way that you have now or if we can merge the content to create one complete discussion of the 2 parts in a single essay. I'm not going to stop helping you until we make your essay perfect. You are not alone. Your essay will be edited properly to help you with your application,

Graduate / Value of Heroism. What actions make some people heroes? [3]

Maede, when you write a graduate paper or even just a simple academic essay, you should know that one of the rules of writing is that you should never use the initials of a person, who is the topic of the discussion in the written paper. Therefore, spelling out MLK, Jr is wrong but saying "Martin Luther King Jr." is correct in the sentence. You also have the name of the person wrong in your essay. He is not "Martin Luis King", his name is "Martin Luther King". In an academic essay, accuracy of people's names, specially historic names, are vital to the accuracy of your paper and your score in terms of properly developing your essay. It is pretty obvious that you did not proof read this paper because of the obvious writing violations and mistaken names used in the final copy. Please review the essay for grammar structure and information accuracy as these will affect the grade that your professor will give you.

Scholarship / "Do anything that you appreciate, do it elaborately" is my motto to lead me study science and art [7]

Hi Potjarnard. Your essay is really confusing to read because the development of your discussion is not clear and does not offer a kind of focus that a simple topic sentence at the start of a paragraph can offer. Would you please do us a favor and post the complete prompt that you are writing this essay for? If we know all of the questions that you are trying to answer in this essay, we can help you better develop your paragraphs and remove the unnecessary information. Right now, I cannot really offer you a clear path towards editing this essay because there are 2 parts to it and I am unsure as to how these parts relate to one another. I am very sad to say that right now, very little of your essay makes sense because your English sentence structure is almost non-existent. This sounds more like a translation of your original language writing done very badly by a translation software. I will await the complete prompt before I proceed with further comments regarding the improvement of your essay.

Writing Feedback / (TED Summary) Robot that "show emotion" [4]

Alfin, your essay is constantly changing from present to past to present tense. That really makes it very hard to read because you do not have an accurate timeline reference for the reader to go by. Since you have already viewed the video and are writing the summary, you must completely use the past tense references throughout the summary statement. By the way, the statement could be longer and more informative if you had opted to take more notes regarding the presentation.

I just can't let the grammar problems of your essay go at this point because I know that you have failed the grammar range and accuracy portion of this test. Please allow me to clean up the last sentence of your paragraph because that is the most problematic sentence in your statement. So, for you for your future reference:

He has indicated that the future versions of the robot will have the ability for speech and feel recognition, as well as creating relationships with humans.

Graduate / Drosophila mutants. Margin indent and SOP review PhD genetics [10]

Komai, I do believe that you are running over the word limit for a Statement of Purpose. It normally takes only 500 - 750 words or 2 pages, single spaced to complete this discussion. With 1508 words I know that you are not just over the limit. But you are also over complicating and over discussing topics in your essay. You are treating this as a narrative essay that gives your autobiography when it shouldn't be doing that. Here is my advice cut down on the word count. Aim for 500 words instead. When an essay is too long, there is a greater chance that the reviewer will not finish reading your paper. So keep the information brief, relevant, and interesting in presentation. Otherwise, the reviewer may not finish reading your paper at all.

You have given too much attention to the backstory of your career interest and development. There is no need to cite events as they happened and why they happened as in this case. That just leads to redundancy and a loss of interest in the part of the reviewer. So pick out one important background story, one research presentation, and one academic background explanation instead.

I am asking you to focus on just one of each because you have a tendency to become too wordy in your presentations. Just be specific and direct to the point. As my professor used to tell me "KISS IT!" That means, "Keep It Short Silly!" You should summarize your exposure to other people in relation to the development of your research. The important thing is that you present the "question" that your research (hopefully) successfully responded to. If you wish you can present 2 research presentations. Just make sure to keep it short and only within the 500 word maximum I am suggesting.

You have to properly space your paragraphs as well. The immense wordiness and lack of spacing in between paragraphs had me almost giving up on finishing your essay. That is the difference between me and the actual reviewer. I chose to stay and finish your essay even with all of its problems. A university reviewer, will only give your essay a few minutes of reading time. If you don't catch his interest through a more thought out essay presentation, he is going to leave your essay and move on.

So, shorten the essay by summarizing your paragraphs. Vet your experience and research experience and just present one or two of the most important ones in summary form. Don't spend too much time on the back story. Just mention it in passing, one or two sentences at the most then go directly to the research information it is relevant to. That should help you better focus the essay for now. We are probably looking at a few more revisions before your essay becomes ready to use.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Zhai, there is still a lot of work to be done on your essay before it accurately responds to the prompt. I decided to show you how to best write this essay in order to help you with your revisions. Here is how I would guide you towards developing a relevant response:

I was born and raised in XX, China, the most polluted city in the world according to Time Magazine. Often compared to the Great London Smog of 1952, I grew up surrounded by environmental problems that had a direct upon my health and the health of my family. It is the unhealthy air that we breath that I believe led to the poor health of my father which led to his eventual operation. It was this combination of history and events that led me to pursue a degree in Environmental Science.

...

Do you see how clearly the prompt requirements were dealt with in the essay and how I created an experience for you when you said you had none? That is how you better connect your existing information with the requirements. You can feel free to use this paper in your application or you can opt to use it as the basis of your next revision. Either way, I will be here to support you in the finalizing of your application essay.

Undergraduate / It only took about 10 years of public schooling for me to finally appreciate science. [2]

Allana, I think that your narration can be better improved if you skip talking about the dullness of your previous classes first. It gives a bad impression of you to the reader / reviewer to hear a statement bordering on the negative so early on in the statement. I find that your essay was actually more enjoyable and interesting when you go directly to the fun time that you had learning in Mrs. Gurley's class. That definitely highlights the reasons why you would look into further pursuing the biochemistry field in college. My suggestion is that you reverse your essay. First talk about the interesting and fun part then gloss over the statement about how boring science could be if it was only text based. This time, thank Mrs. Gurley for not just basing science on the text, but making it fun to learn in a more practical manner. Say something about learning about the practical applications of science through her motivational classes which led to your current ambitions in the science field. That way, the essay should end on a stronger note.

Graduate / I have been motivated to focus on education field since I was in junior high school; SOP for Master [3]

Pujiati, while I agree that providing us with the specific prompt requirements will help us analyze your SOP better, there are some standard features in an SOP that we can already advise you on in order to help you better improve the content of your essay. Let's start with the opening statement.

As a masters degree applicant, you simply have to sum up your major, the university you attended and your year of graduation. You do not need to mention your GPA as your transcript of records will already tell the reviewer that information. A SOP should never duplicate the information that you may have already submitted in your other application essays. Reviewers don't like redundancies. So focus instead on how your career has gone since your college graduation.

The focus of your SOP should be on the shortcomings that you feel you have while practicing your trade. These are the reasons for your interest in an MS course and will help create the purpose for your application. What I am not clear about in your essay is if you have any work experience as a teacher that you can refer to in relation to your career progression explanation. It seems that you are not working as a teacher at the moment. Is that so?

I'll hold off on additional advice for you since it would be best to wait for the actual prompt in order to better align your content with the prompt requirements. The current advice I have given you are general in coverage and will apply to your essay regardless of the prompt.

Undergraduate / Essay pertaining to a life expeirience that influenced character [2]

Andreas, there seems to be an exaggeration on your part regarding the accident. You describe the minivan as having been crushed in the accident. So why are you later on in the essay claiming that you escorted the two cars to a nearby park? If the van was crushed, the passengers would have needed medical care at the scene. Why didn't you call emergency services to check them out immediately if the situation of the van was as dire as you described it to be? Why were all the passengers ok? There cannot be a crushed minivan with passengers doing well inside. Perhaps you mean the van was only dented?

If the minivan was indeed crushed, there was absolutely no way that the car could have been driven away from the accident scene. Did this event really happen to you or is it something that you made up for the prompt? I am asking you a question that the reviewer will be asking himself once he reads the inconsistencies in your narration.

You seem to have made a simple car accident to be far worse than it really was. I suggest you double check your information, make sure that you are being truthful in your statements and adjust the facts towards the truth where it needs to be. I am telling you, when the reviewer doubts what you have written and has a suspicion that you fabricated information for your response, your application will suffer for it. So make sure this is a true event that happened to you. Otherwise, be more truthful and change the story you are telling.

Undergraduate / Personal Profile for application (applied sciences) [3]

Eric, rather than simply telling the reviewer that you were an introvert, you should have shown instances when other people thought you were an introvert. That way the reviewer will have an idea about how the people around you viewed you. Then you can explain how that point of view affected you and led you to take more social oriented subjects and activities in Grade 8. It the part about how the other people viewed you plus the reason why you felt that yo needed to change that perception of who you are which would better respond to the prompt requirements. You still have word room to develop your essay. I suggest that you utilize it to the maximum if you have to in order to make sure that your narrative comes across loud and clear to the reviewer when he analyzes your content.

Undergraduate / "Table No. 4: 1 Langoustine Ceviche & 2 medium-rare veal filets" extracurricular activities essay [6]

Hi Kevin. I have to explain something to you. An internship cannot be considered an extra curricular activity because the definition of an internship is "an opportunity offered by an employer to potential employees, called interns, to work at a firm for a fixed, limited period of time. Interns are usually undergraduates or students, and most internships last for any length of time between one week and 12 months." While an extra curricular activity is something that is done "outside the normal routine, especially that provided by a job or marriage." So what you are describing is not an extra curricular activity. Is an internship experience. Never confuse the two activities. Unless, your prompt requires you to discuss an extra curricular activity related to your major or potential major? Can you please provide the complete prompt you are trying to respond to so that we can offer you more guidance in developing this paper? Thanks.

PS - please provide us with a copy of the complete prompt. Don't just tell me that work experience is included in the prompt. I can't properly assess your essay if I do not know what it is supposed to contain and reflect. The prompt will be my guide in deciding how to best help you improve your statement. At this point, it may look alright to me but that is because I don't have any instructions to base your essay content on. Just because you might be satisfied with what you have written, doesn't mean that it is prompt responsive, adequate enough, or applicable to the prompt. I am more than willing to help you review your essay for compliance with the prompt. I just need to know what the full prompt requirements are. I hope you will opt to post the full prompt for our reference soon. Just as we are excited to assist you in finalizing this statement for the prompt.

Graduate / SOP Review for MS Computer Science with AI Specialization UW Madison [4]

Bankole, the most irrelevant part of your essay is the opening statement. When you write an SOP, you are expected to present, within the first paragraph, the main reason that you feel a need to enroll in this course of higher study. You are not encouraged to present a biography of how your interest in a specific field grew from the time you were a teenager. The best opening statement for your essay would be paragraph paragraph 2. Just add the information about how you believe that computer science has the capacity to solve "specific" problems related to technology now and in the future. You cannot offer a blanket statement that it can solve problems in the future because the very nature of computer science limits its capacity to solve and relevance to the solution of other problems that do not relate to technology and science. The word count would go from 1051 to 950 words just by implementing that edit.

So, the maximum word count for an SOP is normally 2 pages or 750 words, single spaced. 500 words is normally sufficient enough to get the job done in a properly edited and worded SOP. Normally, the over extension of the information in a SOP comes from the extensive academic and work experience presented by the applicant. So the best way to bring down your word count would be for you to analyze your work experience and accomplishments. Pick only the most marked work and academic experience that you feel will be the most impressive to the reviewer and beneficial to your application.

It is not important to show that you have a lot of experience. What matters is that you can show and tell the reviewer about the most important experience that you can share. That way you can also shorten your word count to a more manageable count and presentation.

Undergraduate / A dream ticket: I would get on a plane to Silicon Valley for a meeting with Elon Musk [2]

Ryan, please don't waste your opportunity in this essay on such a trivial response as meeting celebrities and spending time with them. If you wish to spend time with someone, try to make it a more relevant and impressive person such as Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, or someone considered a modern rock star on a more definitive and impressive scale. You have a ticket that can allow you chart the course of the future, or the future of the world. Wouldn't you wish to have the opportunity to make strides towards that direction?

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that your essay is not good. I am just trying to point out that the essay prompt is allowing you to present a serious discussion based on your more serious, possibly non-academic interests that would impress the reviewer. For example you could say something like:

I have always believed that the day would come when people would no longer need cars or airplanes to travel. If I had one ticket to go anywhere in the world, I would get on a plane to Silicon Valley for a meeting with Elon Musk where, I can detail my plans for this future to him and ask for his help in making the plan a reality.

That is how the start of a response to this kind of prompt would impress the reviewer and encourage him to read more of what you have to say.

Undergraduate / Kilachand Honors College Essay on the Power [4]

Charisma, here the thing, your opening statement should be a presentation of facts based upon the paraphrased prompt. That means that your presentation should first, paraphrase the prompt so that you don't have to do it in an indirect form in the second paragraph and second, you manage to present the topic discussion overview for the rest of the paper. That would be one way of making the paper more academically relevant and professional in presentation.

Save the presentation of the facts about the illegal wildlife trade for the second paragraph. The evidence for any academic discussion must be presented starting at the second paragraph because that is where the actual discussion begins. A simple adjustment in your presentation should help to remedy that problem in your essay.

Your discussion regarding corruption of based on power or powerlessness should be made stronger. There is a lack of clarity in the way that you discuss that scenario. Basically, you should say that the powerful manipulate the powerless into corruption because the powerful have the money, which the powerless wish to have. Therefore, they gain the power to gain access to the money of the powerful through the illegal wildlife trade. So in a way, corruption begets corruption. Having power and being powerless corrupt to the same degree but for different reasons. Consider this point of view in order to adjust your essay towards a more relevant discussion of the prompt.

Undergraduate / Most students have an identity, an interest or a talent that defines them in an essential way... [2]

Kieran, what you are talking about is not a talent nor an identity. You have nothing in this essay that speaks of character development which would help the reviewer to learn more about your personal side over the academic side that is highlighted in your essay apps. You narrated a story that talks of something that you did, but did not prove any talent because the computer did not run properly the first time out. Therefore, it doesn't define a talent that helps to identify you. This essay is nothing more than you sharing an experience you had in life. While it does reflect an interest, there is no character development in it for you hence it doesn't really define who you are. An interest narration should showcase more than one event. It should showcase at least two instances when our interest in computers helped you learn something unique about yourself. Something that shows a character rather than just an interest. If you can lessen the story about the building of the computer, then maybe the essay will work better. Try to focus on the mindset that you developed while compiling the parts and building the system rather on the act of building the system itself.

Undergraduate / In the Eyes of My Siblings - ESSAY for UCLA: Freshman Application [2]

Salma, I am confused. What is the relevance of your running away from home? Since you bothered to narrate that incident in vivid detail, surely there is a reason for it that you merely forgot to quote in the essay. If that narrative is only being used as the hook in the story then let me tell you that it is not effective at all and it only confuses the reader.

I also need to clarify something for you regarding the prompt. You are telling the reviewer a story that shows how you shaped the character of your sister. That is not the point of the essay. The narration is supposed to detail the way that someone or an event in your life was so marked that you found yourself evolving as a person. The focus of this essay is not on you but your sister. You speak of your frustration at not being able to help mold her character at the precise moment she needed it. What need is to learn the circumstance behind a precise moment that helped to shape your character.

The idea behind the Islamic School story is good. You just need to make it about you instead of about your sister. Tell the reviewer that the belief of this teacher prodded you to rethink your identity as a Muslim American. Then go on to the part about how you considered his thoughts and you came to the decision that he wasn't a good judge of character and why. Then explain why you accept that you can be both Muslim and American even though most Americans cannot be American and Muslim. That is a great character trait to reflect in your essay and will make for a memorable narrative for your reviewer to consider.

Research Papers / Research Paper: Research Question- Is Marijuana Safer than Alcohol? [2]

David, this type of research paper must be delicately balanced between the good and bad effects of both alcohol and Marijuana. This is because the topics you chose to discuss are both highly debatable and, as some health sectors will say, also have an equal amount of health benefits and drawbacks. By presenting the pros and cons of each topic, you will be able to better inform the reader and allow them to come to their own conclusions regarding which is safer between the two.

What you have to do is do more research on the projected "health" benefits of alcohol on the system of a person. In the overall essay, I noticed a lopsided argument in favor of Marijuana. While this may be the case, it is important to consider the other half of the discussion that states "A glass of wine a day has health benefits for individuals". We are highly familiar with the projected health benefits for Marijuana users but not everyone sees the health side of beer because of all the bad publicity that it gets.

Aim to present an informed and balanced discussion of the two sides, as the researcher you have the option to weaken the argument that supports alcohol as being beneficial to individuals, health-wise. It is all about how you present your evidence. That is a necessary presentation in your essay because you cannot do a proper comparison of the two unless you have enough facts to base your statement and final opinion on. Right now, your information only supports one side of the discussion. Try to "weakly" support the other point of view as well in order to help strengthen your "strong" point of view.

Graduate / Drosophila mutants. Margin indent and SOP review PhD genetics [10]

Komai, you can use indentations in the paragraph if you wish to. It is not a requirement for writing Statement of Purpose essays because, while it is an academic paper, it is not a formal research paper. Therefore, the rules are relaxed in terms of writing the essay and the format. Just make sure that you have at least 1 inch margins on all sides and provide for ample space between paragraphs so that the reader will not feel like he does not have room to move his eyes across the page.

It would be best if you write the complete essay for us to review instead of having us review the first 3 paragraphs. Also, provide us with the complete prompt requirement for the proper assessment of your essay. At the moment, we cannot really judge how well you have written the essay or where you should improve because it is still a work in progress. It would be easier to give you comments and suggestions after you have completed a rough draft of the paper.