Writing Feedback / Problems associated with sea levels and the possible solution [3]

Hi Russel. Well, this certainly looks like it would score another 6 in an actual exam. You have proven to have an ability to properly understand the prompt. The method by which you present your opinion and discussion has a semblance of organization and it is evident that you did your best to outline the topics for discussion prior to writing the essay. As such, your essay has a fluid flow of thought. The only clear problem with your essay is that you sometimes use the wrong word when describing something you want to share. For example, in the following sentence, " Inundation is the effect of global warming", while inundation is the aftermath of a flood, the proper term to have used would have been "Flooding". I understand that you want to impress the reviewer by using more complex vocabulary. However, you have to study or have the ability to realize when to use certain terms and if the term is applicable to a certain meaning that you want to relay. This is not a bad effort. In fact, it is an impressive effort on your part. I am looking forward to seeing your further improvement in the coming days.

Undergraduate / How the loss of my mother marked my transition from childhood to adulthood [2]

Well Joe, this story of self realization is a nice touch to your transition story. However, it lacks one solid aspect in order to become truly valid. Where is the twist in your story? What happened upon the death of your mother that pushed you into adulthood? Although you have reflected upon it in the paper, there is an assumption on your part that the reader already knows who you are and what you story is. That is not the case in this instance. In order to accurately portray the transition, the events that led up to it, and your eventual transition into adulthood, must be represented in the narrative. If you can just adjust the narrative to include those aspects of your story, the whole essay should come together in a much more effective manner for the reviewer. One point that I could refer to as something you need to revise would be the parallel universe plot. The reviewer does not need to know your 2 sides. All he wants to hear about is your transition story. While your parallel universe idea is good, it creates an actual deviation from the way you could better respond to the prompt. If you could just stick to this reality and the points that led up to your transition, then the essay should become more effective.

Undergraduate / My recommendations (ACCOUNTING AND BUSINESS) [2]

Both your letters are too long and does not present your strengths in the best possible manner. Review the format of recommendation letters here and in other websites and you will see that the letter is in the wrong format. Each letter need not be this long. The recommendation letter should only contain bullet points of your strengths as a student. The most important information you have to present in shortened form are as follows:

1. The name of the person writing the letter and his position (professor, internship leader, etc.)
2. The project you specifically worked on / internship position you had with that professor and length of time working on the project / in the position.
3. Bullet points indicating your job description and responsibilities.
4. A simple, one paragraph explanation as to why your professor believes you will make a good masters student.
5. Highlight the explanation by using bullet points for your notable skills.
6. A closing paragraph with information reiterating his belief in your skills and that you will make a good masters degree student.
7. His contact information for further explanations if needed.

By the way, please post one letter at a time. That means one letter per thread. It is highly difficult for us to review, analyze, and help you edit 2 letters of this length in one long thread.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Then you have to remove the reference to shyness in relation to your teachers. Don't overthink it. You only need one example for each trait. Talking to a person in authority regarding something you are unsure about is more impressive than being able to stand in front of an audience debating. If you feel that the debate best represents your personal triumph over shyness, then go ahead and use it. Choose which example you feel suits your intention best.

In order to have a strong response, you need to use as little examples as possible. Normally, one strong example works best. When you try to present too many examples, your paper comes across as trying had and uncertain. Whereas one strong, well developed example shows certainty and confidence in what you have written. In the end though, the essay should reflect something you are comfortable with presenting because of your certainty that this is the strongest possible support for your statement.

Writing Feedback / Emerson Supplemental Essay, title your life. NEED INPUT & EDITING [5]

You have to revise the whole essay in order to accomplish what I suggest. Here is a 158 or so word sample of how I would revise this paper, I hope it helps you with your revision:

My exhaustion left me feeling like I was sinking into an hourglass as I drifted off to sleep. My feet were being absorbed by the abrasive sand. Air thinning around me, I was losing consciousness as the voices of those important to me filled my head. My mother's voice filled with loving care and advice, my elders telling me that I would need to mature soon, then the image of my brother Matthew. His debilitating illness was all too real in this dream. He needed my help. I need to be mature and patient with him. I needed to accept that my role in the family had changed to one of responsibility for my mother and brother. The dream was becoming more unpleasant for me. I learned more about myself through my dream, I woke, knowing that I now had a clearer understanding of who I am and the maturity to deal with my life challenges.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

That information is not necessary content for the essay. It is information that belongs more in a background essay or personal statement. this particular prompt needs to stick to the quote that you chose. I do not see these events adding anything that will strengthen the information you have already presented. It is complete as it is. Any information that you add needs to represent a strength of character through adversity. These competitions, unless they had some life altering effect on you, will not be capable of representing such content. In my opinion, you don't need to add it. It will only remove the focus of the reviewer from the strong information that you have provided in the current version of the essay and that is something that you will never want to do in an application essay that has such specific requirements.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

I'd be happy to review your other papers once you post them here. I still have a few small corrections for your essay. After you apply these changes, your essay will be good to go.

...He owns a house which yields an annual around $1200 as rent. RENTS FOR AROUND $1200 A YEAR
However, when she gets major attacks we have to admit her in the hospital for months and the cost rises to WE SPEND as
much as $2500 IN HOSPITALIZATION COSTS PER YEAR.
... Here, in Kathmandu I work as an A Level tutor in Trinity International College (KATHMANDU) .

It will actually be better for you if the statement you present it shorter than the maximum word count. Remember, a longer response does not necessarily it is an informative response. Short but informative responses are most appreciated by reviewers.

Undergraduate / Say Yes to Saying No by Melody Jung [6]

There are just some simple revisions to be applied to the essay at this point. It really came out to be a piece of excellent work on your part. Here are the corrections that I suggest you make to the essay.

...placating others instead of disappointing ANGERING them...
FOR EXAMPLE, My classmates... better alone but regretfully BEGRUDGINGLY agreed. ..
these groups SESSIONS harmed me more than they IT benefited me...
... else left ME UNCOMFORTABLE AND WITHOUT no room to say "yes" to myself.

Although THE WORD IS so simple, consisting of only ...
Saying "no" has become IS the greatest gift I can COULD possibly give to myself.

.... even when it is contradictory to others IT CONTRADICTS OTHER OPINIONS...
... the two characteristics I most admire IN A PERSON.

Writing Feedback / Emerson Supplemental Essay, title your life. NEED INPUT & EDITING [5]

Emily, I sincerely feel that you should use the second version of your essay for the application. It is exactly what the prompt is asking for. However, I would change the point of view to first person so that you can add more emotion and a sense of personalized story telling. By using the first person POV, you allow yourself the freedom to get as creative and as imaginative as you wish to be in telling your story. Try to include a simple description of your mother to add another dimension to the story. Maybe a short indication of what your relationship with her is like. Create a launching point before you say that you were forced to mature before your friends and relatives. The maturing is the result of a previous catalyst. Was it the illness of your brother? If so, then mention your brother before your sense of maturity. You are a very imaginative writer and it has helped you develop a very involving and informative essay response. Remember, my vote is for the second version of the essay. Good luck!

Undergraduate / The motto Ut Prosim will always be in my mind... College Essay for Virginia Tech [5]

Gabby, the intention of the prompt is to get an idea as to your civic mindedness. The university wants to know if you are a charitable person who realizes that you are blessed in your own life and therefore, shares or gives to those who have less in life. A proper response to this prompt would include references to any volunteer activities that you participate in. Be it a weekly neighborhood campaign, baby-sitting for a single parent in need of help, or volunteering at a local shelter, these are responses that prove that you understand the importance of service to others.

Your current response is more of a reflection of your life up to this current moment in time. It does not make mention of any service to others that you participate in. Nor does it reflect a clear understanding of the prompt. Why is service to others important in your life? For example, you can explain that your mother explained to you the difficulties she faced when she first came to America. Due to the fact that she received help from others, she raised you to do the same. Give back to those who helped your family in the past. Explain how these incidents have led you to embody the motto of the university.

Reconsider your response. Try to find a point in your life when you were in the service of others. Explain how that made you feel. That feeling can lead you to discover the importance of "service to others" in the long run.

Undergraduate / Occidental College; a vital stepping-stone in focusing my interests and shaping my view of the world [4]

Thanks for the clarification. In my opinion, you will need to make some adjustments to your current essay in order to better provide reasons for your desire to transfer schools. It is important to show immediately that your current school doesn't provide you with tools to pursue your current college ambitions. Make it seem like the university was alright for you to attend when you first thought that you were on the path towards your chosen major. Then explain the change in your mindset, which then led you to attend courses at this new university. This would be a better rationalization for your desire to change universities rather than simply saying that you will build upon the foundation you received from the university. It is only when you can properly represent the differences between the universities in relation to your current educational interests that you will have been able to properly address the prompt.

Scholarship / There are many internal and external circumstances and motivations that can make a leader. Chevening [2]

Kareem, you need to better develop the two topics that you are using as an example of your leadership and influencing skills. Right now, you are only giving an overview of the leadership that you did in college and at the call center, without actually representing the difficulties you had to overcome and how you overcame it. So you need to be more specific in both instance.

For college, you have to first, mention the name of the organization that you established, the motivation behind the group, an explanation of your leadership role, and an example of an obstacle the group had to overcome. How did you lead the group towards success? What kind of failure was experienced during the implementation of the plan to represent your university at the Egyptian University Youth Week? How did you inspire the members of the group towards success? What was the final outcome of your leadership abilities being implemented?

As for the call center, you need to explain more about how the leader-exchange system was developed and how it works. Since you developed this program, you can use it to highlight your thought process as a leader. Explain why you felt the need to develop this program for the agency. Don't make it a personal interest. As a leader, you have to always be on the lookout for what will benefit the many. It should not just be about you. Your difficulties on the job could be the catalyst but it should be supported by an overall problem that you sought to solve. Then explain how the training program works. An overview will work best in that case. Then close the statement with the results of the program.

Undergraduate / "Art and Reality as Paint Strokes " - School of Visual Arts - SVA - Statement of Intent [2]

Your essay delivers a lot of information but does not really explain your passion behind your love of arts. What is the driving force that has led you to pursue Arts a major? Why do you wish to explore the statement that 'Art is everything"? How do you plan on pursuing a personal discovery / answer to that question based upon the study of art? Your intentions / motivations for pursuing an Art degree is not as clear as it should be. You are going for an abstract explanation, obviously trying to impress the reviewer, when what you should be doing is offering a straightforward explanation as to why you wish to major in Arts.

There is no need to mention that you moved to be with your father a year and a half ago. There is no place in this essay response for an academic discussion or mention of your academic preparedness for college. That does not have a direct relation to your intent and just changes the topic of the essay needlessly.

Further review of your essay has shown me that there is a semblance of intent in your closing paragraph. Your paper would work better if you developed that paragraph as your opening statement instead. Then, you can remove the part about moving to be with your dad. With that adjustment, the essay just might finally work as a draft statement of intent for you. Review the paper, re-position some paragraphs and sentences, see if it leads you to a better version of this first work.

Undergraduate / How to add more about myself in Cornell CAS application essay? [10]

LIane, your introduction is too brief and uninformative to give the reviewer a reason to continue reading the rest of the paper. You gave the impression that these two subjects, government and biology, are two unrelated interests on your part. It is imperative that you captivate the attention of the reviewer at the very beginning of your essay by creating an introduction that merges your interests in the two subjects. For example, you could say collectively that these two subjects, when studied hand in hand, will help you better understand why certain laws of the land are drafted or implemented in a certain way. That there is politics in science and science in politics. I am sure you can make that connection.

As for your love of biology, what quest are you on? Why do you think this is a backstage pass for you? Aside from your general interest in general biology topics, what is your core focus? Describe that in a similar way as to how you described your interest in government. You can also try to develop a paragraph that shows how you would develop a cross section of these studies to create a better graduate product of your chosen major.

Don't worry about the word count. That is just your guide towards finalizing the content of your essay. You will have to revise this essay a few more times before you can actually have it within the proper word count and accurately representative of your intent.

Undergraduate / Edit my Upenn essay (explore your interest) [9]

Prajain, your essay shows that you have given profound thought as to how you could best represent a response to the essay. While this is a truly well developed essay, I believe that there are still certain paragraphs that can use further development in response to the question. Take for example, your first paragraph. It seems to be wanting for some more information regarding how you came to the decision that you wanted to become an economic leader in your country. I feel you can do that very well if you will bring up your closing paragraph and turn it into the closing statement of the introduction instead. Don't you think it sounds better when you read the following: "Yet, our politicians stood there either hopelessly or unwilling to solve it. I can still remember that anxious moment ... unequipped to help them. This is when I realized"... instead? All you have to do is group together a single thought process that is currently scattered throughout the essay now.

I would also like you to consider further developing the following portion: "it allows me to design my own curriculum and does not restrict from developing and exploring new interests. " Please give a solid example of how you would craft your own curriculum as an example of how you will explore your intellectual and academic interests at the university. Make sure to show a fun side to this curriculum because it will portray your ability to have fun while pursuing your intellectual and academic enhancements.

Scholarship / To eradicate the wrong thinking that all Muslims are terrorists. LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE essay [7]

Faisel, when you are writing an essay about influencing and leadership, you always have to take into consideration that you are an active participant in convincing the reviewer of your skills. Therefore, you cannot just rely on mere narration of an event to prove your point. In the case of your sisters story, you merely told the reviewer that you influenced and led your brother to allow your sisters to study. There was a failure on your part to better illustrate how you did that. In order to make that part of the essay more effective, you need to relate the process of convincing and influencing your brother towards the decision that you feel is right. Yes, that would indeed make a good example of leadership and influencing skills on a personal level. You could include it in the paper if you wish to. Just make sure that you build up that paragraph to include the problem, possible solutions to the problem, implementation of your perceived solution, and the final outcome.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

These edits will produce a 1975 character count.

... My father i...He was unemployed from October 2013 to May 2015; however, last year he got his job back and contributes ... my father owns an agricultural ...

... year is spent in in ON her regular ... ...and the cost raises RISES TO as much ... $20000 on OF which $300 has to be paid as an REPRESENTS annual interest. In 2015, since my father lacked the ability to pay for the tuition, boarding, and plane tickets expenses of my elder brother which required $10000, he had to sell a part of the land we owned. Additionally , each EACH year my parents contribute $2600 ... annually ... university in WHERE which my brother studies....

Here, in Kathmandu I work as an A Level tutor in AT Trinity International College IN KATHMANDU... on my parents, the goodwill of others, and scholarships... a portion of my fees.

... will allow me tocontribute ...

Scholarship / Barcelona model of water sustainability [2]

Luca, a self-introduction is discretionary on your part. If you feel that a self introduction is necessary, then go ahead and do so. I don't think it will be either good or bad for your motivation letter if you include it. Unless of course you have a a word limit to worry about. Tell you what, why don't you include the self introduction in the next version of your letter so that we can see if it will help the letter or not. It's really hard to guess without seeing the actual product.

As for the text size, the accepted font size is 12, regardless of the font style. However, if the paper size is limiting you, font size 10 is still acceptable as the fonts will still be large enough for the eyes to read. Don't go lower than that because font size 9 and below is almost unreadable. Specially for if the reviewer will be using reading glasses to read your essay.

Writing Feedback / Although online game gives a positive impact on children's brain, it also involves with health issue [2]

HI Riandi. The essay is a very good start for a writing task practice exercise. I believe that this could be scored a high 6 in an actual test. There is clear evidence that you understood the prompt and know exactly how you wanted to discuss it. However, your sentence structure was problematic and grammar mistakes were quite obvious. Luckily, these mistakes did not affect the transfer of information to the reader. It was still possible for the reader to get an idea as to what you were trying to say. The effort you put into writing this essay did not get wasted. It has its good and bad points with the good outweighing the bad. You have the potential to pass the test. Just keep practicing and don't lose hope. Your work can and will constantly get better.

Writing Feedback / SEA LEVELS. Building dams and reservoirs can be taken as the workable solution for flood problem [4]

Alrisky, I do believe that this essay will only have a score of 4 in an actual test. There are problems with the way that your self. Some of your sentences do not offer a complete thought (e.g. The global warming phenomenon is one of big issues faced by human beings and the level of sea floor has reached at.). This makes the discussion hard to understand . The thought progression is unclear and does not use proper vocabulary when expressing a sentiment or explaining a point of view. Basically, the essay is confusing to read and does not accurately represent the prompt that you are expected to discuss using basic facts as evidence in support of your statements.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

That would be a good response. But it needs to be worded in a better manner. Might I suggest that you use the following paragraph in relation to your personal contribution to your tuition fees instead:

I realize that I can't rely solely on my parents, the goodwill of others, and scholarships to get by in college. I must also do my part in order to pay at least a portion of my fees. After all, I am able and willing to work in order to ensure a better future for myself and my family. I currently work as an A Level tutor at Trinity International College in Kathmandu. I receive a small stipend for my services. It is this stipend that I have been setting aside over the years. At the moment, I believe that my savings will allow me to contribute at least $500 per annum towards my college tuition and miscellaneous fees. I also plan to get a part time job either on or off campus once I am legally cleared to become a working student in the country.

The part about you working part time has to be mentioned so that they will understand that you are more than willing to do your fair share of shouldering our tuition costs while attending college.

Undergraduate / Child of a thousand hills from Rwanda [5]

Sama, you definitely can go ahead and use the statements 1-4 for your application. Provided yo apply the changes that I suggested in the previous post first. Remember, you need to edit the content and correct the portions that need revising in order to make sure that the response will be in its best possible format upon submission. As for 5 and 6 I think that swapping the responses would definitely work. I'll need to see the minor adjustments that you will be making in order to make sure that it will work well with the prompt though. So make the adjustments just for those 2 questions and post it here for further consideration. Review the responses before you make any adjustments. Make sure that the additions will help enhance the essay. Don't just make additions for the sake of a word count or making the statement sound cool. Consider if the tweaks you want to make are truly important to the response.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, notable increase of delinquent act is concern of all the people. [3]

Hi May, you did not do bad with this essay. In my opinion, it can actually get a score of 5. There are many positive aspects of your essay but what I would like to discuss with you are the evident problems that reduced your writing score. You need to work on improving your English vocabulary. It is obvious that you are trying your best to present yourself as a person with adequate English language skills. Continued reading of English materials and writing practice will help you better hone those skills in particular. Right now, you have a limited use of sentence structures. That is not really a problem as your sentences can become more complex as you settle into the use of English as a spoken and written language for yourself. As of now, these are the major issues that I can see in your essay. Remember, the essay is good. You just need to work on its written development and presentation.

Scholarship / Chevening essay on leaders and influencers - Great leaders can inspire and impact people [3]

Oranat, the two leadership opportunities that you present shows a logical development in your skill both as a leader and influential person. With regards to the first experience, I have a question related to information in the paragraph that needs to be clarified. What do you mean by "shared experiences in the past"? How does that relate to your act of logical reasoning with the group? How did you use your influencing skills to get the other cafe's in the area to try your program? You need to add at least another paragraph in order to better portray your leadership skills in relation to the story you related. When you told the story about convincing the other businesses, you opened another example of your leadership and influencing skills that you should follow through on.

Now, with regards to the fund raiser, you need to present a clear example of your failure as a leader. Probably by telling us about how you, not just the team failed to influence people to participate in your project. Now remember, being an influential leader is not limited to just giving motivational speeches. You need to show that you can lead through action as well. That is the part that you need to develop further in your essay. Otherwise, there is an imbalance in the information you are presenting because it concentrates only on the verbal side of your leadership and influencing skills. Remember that leaders lead through action as well. So you should also show that side of your leadership ability.

Writing Feedback / PROHIBITION SMOKING IN PUBLIC PLACES to create a clean environment, and protect to people's health [4]

Eve, I will refrain from giving you a score for this essay because I want to give you a chance to rewrite the paper. It is apparent that you misunderstood the prompt requirement from the very start of your essay. What you turned in was a paper that supported the ban on public smoking. You actually defended that stand quite well and you should have scored very well if that was the required answer by the prompt, which it wasn't.

The actual discussion that the prompt wished to have you provide is "...it is only fair that people who wish to smoke have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?" Instead of taking a stand that either supports or opposes the statement, you started talking about government regulation, rules, and other non-related information. While the facts you presented were good, there was nothing in the essay to indicate that you understood the prompt properly. You failed to discuss the prompt and present a proper conclusion in the essay. So in the end, the score for this essay would not have been beneficial to your chances of studying overseas.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK II - WORK ENVIRONMENT IS CHANGING RAPIDLY [2]

Alrisky, you can get a band score of six for this essay. It shows your potential for analytical thinking and your ability to discuss, somewhat coherently, in written form. Although there are problems with your sentence structure and grammar, these did not lessen the information that your paper provided. Congratulations on having the foresight to include verifiable information in your essay. Presenting such data helps to increase your score because this shows that you are trying to heighten your writing method and display an increased English comprehension skill. I am looking forward to reading your next task writing. You have shown improvement and I am convinced that you are doing your best to further increase your English writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task II _ Smokers should leave building to enjoy their cigerettes [2]

Hi Husnul, I believe that you would get a score band of 6 for this work of yours. There is a clear understanding of the prompt and you were able to present your opinion based upon factual supporting data. As such, you have proven that although your grammar may be wrong in some points, you have the ability to coherently discuss an issue. More importantly, your discussion, flawed grammar and all, is sure to be understood by the person you are or will be conversing with. A word of advice though, keep in mind that the paragraphs need to be composed of at least 3 well developed sentences at all times. While I did not deduct points for that error in your writing for this practice test, it will have an adverse effect on your score in the actual test.

Undergraduate / What qualities or Characteristics can you contribute to UCF - Humble, Strong, Liberated Mindset [3]

Jax, this is a pretty good essay. It really shows the kind of contribution that you can make to the university. That said, there is still room for improvement within certain paragraphs. I am not sure in which paragraphs you can insert my suggestions. I know that you will be able to find a spot for my upcoming suggestions. These are just meant to better highlight how you can contribute to UCF.

1. If UCF already has existing organizations that you can join based upon your description of your character, I suggest you mention the organization. That way you can better represent your ideas that pertain to changing a mindset, increasing enjoyment during college, and other similar contributions.

2. If there is no organization, then suggest that you would be open and willing to pioneering or founding such an organization for the benefit of the students.

Your essay has a good foundation based upon theoretical ideas. It will be strengthened further if you can connect it to actual organizations that you can join or establish during your tenure as a student. Consider this a paper that should highlight your ability to become a student leader on campus. That, after all, comprises the reasons behind your contribution to the campus community. Remember, you need help to execute your plans to contribute to the university community. This would be the best way and time to present these ideas for the university's consideration.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? Better to ask: Why Core Curriculum? [2]

Aris, I think you should reorganize some paragraphs in your essay for better effect. The positioning of your sentences have an impact upon the way that your message is received by the reader. So you have to make sure that your sentences represent a proper flow of discussion. If you rearranged your second and third paragraphs to instead read in the following manner:

with With the emphasis on the importance of an education ... In my opinion, the Core Curriculum PROMOTED BY COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY provides a holistic education ...
Then rearrange the next paragraph this way:
In spite of this perspective, Columbia University continues to ... Columbia University in the fall of 2017, thereby galvanizing me to apply.
You end up discussing the negative first and then closing the essay on a highly positive note. The progression of the discussion also feels more natural as one reads the material.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech essay prompt - If you had the opportunity to create a class, what would it be and why? [3]

Yamini, I believe that you should think of another class to imagine up for the statement. You see, there is already a class called "Creative Writing" in universities that are either elective or required classes in some majors like Journalism. The purpose of the class is to encourage the students to think creatively and set their thoughts down properly on paper. It encourages critical thinking, opinion making, imaginative content and similar topics to what you have indicated for your "Creative Thinking" class. Maybe you have a personal interest, hobby, or something similar that could be discussed as a potential class that you can create. For example, you can create a class in "Dog Language" with the objective of learning what the meaning is behind the barks of dogs. I know that sounds silly but those are the kinds of classes that normally catch the eye of the reviewer. Be creative and unique. Make sure that your idea is not already existing as a formal class in college.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

I suggest that you look into some scholarship programs that you can apply to. This will show the financial aid committee that you are proactive in terms of finding ways to finance your education. This is not limited to just financial aid and scholarships. You can also mention that you have some skills that will allow you to secure employment either on campus or off campus once you are legally allowed to work as a student in the country. If you know of any relative who may be willing to help support your education, you should make mention of that as well. You should not rely solely on the financial aid for your educational fees. Neither should that be the sole focus of your aid application. It is important that they know you are a responsible person who will do what it takes to legally finance your education in the country.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

Here are the paragraphs where I feel we can delete portions without affecting the overall essay:

Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has.

... family. Little did I know that this visit would be the most life altering period of my life. ... DURING THIS VISIT, I almost became a child bride myself because my grandfather insisted...

expensive. Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset ...
He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. ...
... generation to the next. He wanted something more for me too. He has always been supportive of my ambitions and I feel grateful to h...

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

The paragraphs that you mentioned are already in its final form. That is why it was not included in the latest round of revisions that I made. Unless of course you want to make changes to those paragraphs? Basically, the changes I advised you to apply the last time should help you create the final form of your essay. Do you have any more problems with the overall content, grammar, of depiction of the essay theme? If you do, then I will work with you regarding fixing that. Otherwise, the essay should be ready for submission. If you would like, we can cut down some more on the discussion about your mother's illness and the early marriage your grandfather was insisting upon. If you have a word count limitation, those are the parts that we can edit without affecting the overall content of your essay.

Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

This is definitely a well developed response. It shows a clear idea as to the financial status of your family and offers information about how your parents will be paying for your fees and why they can only afford so much. It would help your application for financial aid if you mention how you plan to contribute towards the payment of your own tuition fee as well. You should make mention of any other financial aid applications that you have pending, the chances of you winning the scholarship, and how much that will most likely contribute to paying off the final cost of your education.

With that said, I believe that the additional information will help depict a clearer picture of how dire your need for financial aid is. Once you add the necessary information, we can work on creating the final content. Remember, don't exaggerate your situation, just tell it like it is. Tell the truth because they will ask your parents to submit financial documents in support of your financial aid application.

Undergraduate / Child of a thousand hills from Rwanda [5]

Sama, here are some suggestions for you:

1. ... ( a traditionally grass weaved WOVEN basket) with food or... These practices are no longer NO LONGER EXIST, but the spirit o...

As a child of a thousand hills, I am diligent and loving!
- This line is not necessary because it does not relate to the previous paragraph. You don't need to talk about yourself in this statement because that is not being asked for.

2. ... Most definitely, I will minor in an interesting arts course!!
- The question is asking about your major, not your minor so you don't need to mention an art course. Just indicate what the prompt requires. Don't get creative by offering additional information that is not asked for. That shows that you are incapable of following simple direction and therefore, not ready to become a college student.

3....helps me blow-off steam and find resolutions to affairs! Music is everything!
- Why do you feel a need to punctuate every example with a strong sentiment about something that is not required by the question? You could have solidly ended this response with the first exclamation point. The second one, just removes the impact of your statement.

Sama, in all honesty, you have to stop shouting at the reviewer! Exclamation points must only be used in the proper context. Otherwise, in a formal discussion such as this, you come across as always shouting when there is no reason to. Please, review all of the responses you have and change the exclamation points to periods whenever possible. It doesn't make sense for you to keep a high tone of voice in your written work because, as writing rules suggest, exclamation points are the equivalent of shouting on paper and should not be used in formal communication.

5. You delivered the wrong response to the prompt. You spoke about your mother and the trials she had to face in raising you. Your response should have been about you. A challenge you faced and had to overcome. The whole statement is a summarized biography concentrated on your mother and your upbringing. It does not portray how you personally handle tight situations, which is what the question wanted you to respond to.

6. You should use your current answer in question number 5 to respond to this prompt. Your story is exactly what this prompt requires. So you just need a new answer for question 5 and use that answer in question six instead.

Undergraduate / What is a small goal I hope to accomplish in the near or far future? Sleep. [2]

Shawn, there are some parts of your essay that can better stated in order to create a more interesting discussion. Don't get me wrong, this essay is good. The topic is interesting, the presentation is humorous. It calls out to the reader to keep reading on. So you have accomplished the most important task of this writing test. However, properly presenting your thoughts, to reveal a more intellectual side of you is just as important. So I would like to offer some advice as to how to further improve your work. Suggestions such as :

Do I get enough sleep? No, but sometimes when I sneeze my eyes close . I DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Sleep and I... I hold HAVE a harmful relationship with SLEEP , one who THAT leaves me staring ... walls- restlessness .

( NO CHANGES)

I ponderedon ABOUT many things before I slept SLEEP. ...next day, AND asked myself a lot of questions LIKE - "d Does Emily from recess like me?". ... tired to REMEMBER OR write it down.

These days I stay awake on a new bed: , stressed STRESSING about the test the next ..
... worry of ABOUT tomorrow- the days when my mind could be at peace.

...state of tranquility- OF MAKING FRIENDS WITH SLEEP AGAIN and with it...

These changes should clean up the essay in terms of grammar and create a more fluid presentation for the reader.

Undergraduate / There is one thing only a few people know about me, I produce music: personal statement [2]

Tim, your essay is unique and really interesting to read. It presents a hidden side of you that may not have been noticed or you may not have had the opportunity to present in the common app essays. The mind of a music producer is something that intrigues most people. By the way, don't use the generic term producer in your essay. Refer to yourself as a music producer because that is what you do and produce. Simply calling yourself a producer puts you in a pile of many. You want to stand out, hence the term "music" in the title.

You say that producing music has helped you become a better lawyer. Can you clarify that point in the essay? You need to create some sort of connection between an analysis of the law and the development of music in order to create an even more interesting focal point for your essay. I mean, there are lawyers who are actors in Hollywood, but I bet there are few (if any) lawyers and music producers in the field. You are one of those unique individuals who has managed to merge two different worlds, so make sure that your reader will be conscious of that fact. As a student, it will add value to your application.

Scholarship / Essay for Chevening Scholarship, which is need to check grammar and writing way [3]

Sakee you have accurately provided the requirements of the UK Study Plan. You cannot just pick three universities and expect to study the same course at any of these universities. The scholarship committee wants to see what your career plan is. Therefore, you need to pick 3 different courses, at 3 different universities. Upon doing so, you should take at least a paragraph each to discuss the university you chose, the course you hope to enroll if admitted, and relate it to your current or future career plan. Remember the essays calls for you to outline your university courses. Therefore, you can't generalize your answer. The response has to be in the form of "one university, one course" in order to comply with the prompt. Neither can you generalize your academic and work experience, with a misplaced quote in your response, as the academic and professional plan for your future.

Don't try to take a shortcut when responding to the prompt. Chevening is one of the most sought after scholarships in the world today. They only take the most deserving and promising candidates into their fold. As per what I have read in this statement, as it is too short to be an actual, properly informed essay, the reviewer will read this and decide that you are not serious about your application. That is why the essay is not only under developed, but useless when it comes to responding to the prompt. Try to deliver on the prompt requirements as I have explained them to you above. That is the only way you can improve this paper and give it a chance at consideration once you submit it.

Writing Feedback / Yes, the money... but another factor which make employee motivated to work is good cooperation. [2]

Radjah, I do believe that your scoring for this essay would start somewhere at the band of 6. You have managed to develop the essay in a proper manner although your introduction and concluding paragraphs were shorter than the required number of sentences. You were able to present sufficient supporting evidence that shows a clear understanding of the prompt. Your word usage shows an intermediate level of English grammar knowledge which led to understandable paragraphs even though the language was not as grammatically correct as it should be. Your essay would have been helped tremendously if you had managed to not only add information in the introduction, but also made it clear you agreed with the prompt statement. Rather than saying that "I also claim...", you should have instead started with "I agree with the given statement and would like to add that..." Remember, when you are asked for an opinion, it should be clearly stated in the introduction and given supporting evidence within the next paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Several countries permit under-age children to work [4]

Alrisky, if I were the examiner reviewing your written exam, I would be scoring this as a 4. While the essay is well written and presents coherent ideas. The main problem with the essay is that it did not cover all of the prompt requirements. You successfully argued both sides of the issue but, you failed to build a discussion regarding your personal opinion on the given prompt. If you will review the prompt, you will notice that you were expected to provide specific information in each paragraph:

Paragraph 1 - Overview of the prompt and a statement of your opinion.
Paragraph 2 - Supporting discussion with evidence.
Paragraph 3 - Opposing discussion with evidence.
Paragraph 4 - Your personal opinion as an expanded discussion
Paragraph 5 - Conclusion

Your grammar use lacks complexity so that also affected the final score that I believe, could be given to your essay. Don't let this review tear you down though. I know that you will continue to show improvement over the coming days and your score will improve alongside it.