Writing Feedback / Summary: What Your Social Media Profile Photo Says About Your Personality [4]

Andi, while the grammar and sentence structure problems abound in your essay, it does not remove from the meaning of your summary. Your information is complete and accurate enough to authoritatively inform the reader about the data that you gleaned from the original article. There are proper references to the key aspects of the essay such as the other studies that relate to the study of a person's social media profile that will be sure to increase your final score in the actual test. That said, I have to point out the problem aspect of the essay though. The only problem that I can see relates to your first sentence in your opening. The meaning is lost. It doesn't really make sense because the full thought development of the sentence is not completed. There is no topic phrase or keyword that could have helped to give that sentence more meaning in relation to the rest of the summary. Aside from that sentence problem, the rest of the essay did very well in terms of task accuracy.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Zhai, your personal statement is all over the place, lacks focus, and does not really introduce yourself to the reviewer in a manner that he can keep track of so that he can get to know you better. Let me help you better present this paper. There are a number of steps that you have to consider for the development of your personal statement. I'll try to break it down for you in a manner that you can easily follow.

First of all, you have to consider what your central theme for the personal statement will be. Will it be about the development of your interest in Environmental Science? Then if that is the case, you have to delete the excessive and non-related information in the paper. What are the excessive and non-related information?

1. The story of your father's heart attack.
2. Your work as an accountant because you were helping to sustain your family
3. The fact that you are a first generation college student.
4. Visiting your grandma and learning your platform was quite popular. Use factual data to present this instead. Say that you visited your information page and saw the unique visitor count or something related to your site's trending discussions instead.

Next, create a personal connection between your chosen college degree and your interest in this major. I notice that you did not mention what you majored in while in college. Please make mention of the degree that you completed and what sparked your interest in the course. I do not advice using the story of your friend because that is too far removed from a personal event or relationship that could trigger such a keen interest in environmental science. If you had said that you developed Asthma due to the polluted air, then that part of the essay would be more relevant to your presentation and offer the reviewer a look at your life in relation to your potential masters degree course.

Now, the rest of your information seems to be better placed in a statement of purpose. So I would like to see how you will revise this version of the essay before we remove certain aspects for potential use in your SOP. At the moment, we can keep the information combined for editing purposes. This is after all, a personal statement and not a statement of purpose. We can better direct the focus of the presentation once you have revised most of the paper.

Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Study: The Rich Really Are More Selfish [3]

Alfin, where is the link to the article? You know very well that we rely on our reading of the original article to help you improve upon your current work. I hope that you noticed how short your summary is. Due to its brevity, I cannot accurately assume or say that you have an informative summary presented for review. There was a failure on your part to mention who is speaking (Pundit? Who is the pundit?). While I can assume that there is more to the psychological studies, I would have liked to have seen a mention of the title of the study, who commissioned it, what the target demographic was for the study, and how many people were in the sample rate. All of these are important information that would probably have been found in the original article but you failed to present in your summary. Thus making your summary more of a hearsay and not really authoritative in presentation. Please remember to add the link to the original article the next time you post a summary for review here.

Writing Feedback / Studying abroad is one of the best ways to experience the culture of a country [3]

Hey Mariel, your opening paragraph sounds alright. However, I would like to know what the prompt requirement or instructions from your instructor are for the development of this essay. You see, the opening statement needs to be an accurate paraphrasing of the original prompt so I need to be able to refer to the original instructions to do that. In the meantime, you can further improve the opening statement by removing the phrase that says "s. For this reason..." Just immediately tell the reader that you will be discussing reasons as to why studying abroad will be a good idea. I am not sure what kind of essay instruction you were given so I am not sure if you should be discussing the pros and cons of studying abroad. Please provide us with the original instructions so that we can offer you more relevant advice as to how to improve the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / It is Better for Children Learning Foreign Language at Primary School? [2]

Nur, in terms of overall task accuracy, you will definitely get a 5. That is when your overall discussion, as well as your paraphrasing of the prompt are considered for the final score in that scoring bracket. Your cohesion and cohesiveness will most likely follow in the same vein and score another 5 because you were able to present a logical, although sometimes confusing discussion of the prompt using somewhat proper cohesive devices. Lexical resource proves to be your weakest point though because of the way that you are using improper terms for describing your thoughts or explaining your positions. Due to the problems that the poor vocabulary choices creates for your essay, the lexical resource will score no higher than a 3. Finally, grammar range and accuracy leaves me scoring you with a 4. The errors that your sentence development creates normally makes it difficult for the reviewer to grasp your discussion. Sometimes, I find myself second guessing your meaning or I really just get confused by your grammar presentation. Overall though, you have a pretty good attempt at explaining the essay. I only wish you can pay more attention to developing your grammar and vocabulary so that you can get a higher score in your next practice test. You need to score higher than a 5 in all sections to get a decent score.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan Part 1: How will I improve my Korean BEFORE and AFTER coming to Korea [3]

P, you make reference to already taking extramural classes in Korean "at either University of the Philippines (UP) Diliman..." When you say either, that means that there is another option for your classes. So it is either you are already taking classes at UP or, you about to take it somewhere else and you are choosing between UP and that other school at the moment. Did something get lost in translation for you while you developing the essay? I think you should edit the sentence to be more reflective of the fact that you are taking classes at UP period. That is, provided that is what you were really trying to say.

From what I can tell, you have tried to gain written proficiency in Korean. That is good since you will be writing papers in their language when you go there to study. However, you have not made any mention of having worked on practicing spoken Korean with others. Here is something that you need to know, being proficient in written Korean will not actually translate to proficient spoken Korean. You need to reflect that you have spent ample time developing both types of Korean language use in order to convince the reviewer that you will be able to participate fully in Korean based classes as well as the language lessons you will be provided with. It is not always that you will find someone fluent enough in the written and spoken aspects of any foreign language so if you can convince the reviewer that you are at least semi-proficient in both cases, then he may take a second look at your application.

Undergraduate / "My brother to my left, My brother my right. Together we stand, Together we fight." [4]

Matthew, the essay prompt is "Tell us about yourself". While I find it remarkable that you were able to share so much trivia about yourself throughout the essay. I did not really get to know the real you. The you that makes you special and stand out from the rest of your siblings, your teammates, or the other applicants to the university. There is a lack of "spotlight" on you in the essay because you are trying to represent too much of how people know you and not enough of how you know yourself. I have a suggestion which I hope can help you better develop this paper and hopefully, make it stand out among all the applicants for admission.

Consider reflecting on yourself. Who do you know yourself to be outside of what your parents, siblings, peer, and friends know about you? What do you think makes you unique as a person? If you think long and hard about it, what is your peculiar character trait that tells you "This is who I am" ? What we need is to have you develop a statement that tells the reviewer who you are by describing yourself in say, one, two , or maybe 3 words. Basically, you choose the highlights of your character such as " opinionated", "has strength of character", or "always tried to do the right thing". For each of these traits, you show a side of yourself that won't be seen through the other prompts. You present an original version of yourself that will tell the reviewer the kind of student and campus resident you may be in the future.

So basically, what you need to do is focus on at least one character trait or personality that you have which you feel will make you a memorable applicant to the reviewer. It should be something that screams "You will remember me after reading this!" .

Undergraduate / What was the surroundings in which you grew up? Explain how it shaped you as a person. [5]

Rachel, here is the thing, your essay will be a lot stronger if you discuss the so-called "military brat" life that you had because of your father's work in the military. That is the environment that you were raised in and that is how you developed as a person. Telling a story that comes from your kindergarten years isn't exactly justifying the environment that you were raised in. Mostly because you were not yet conscious of the world that evolved around you. Hence the simplicity of your statement and lack of proper attention to the details that this essay really requires. Notice that you mention that your dad left for Kuwait at least twice in the essay? That just proves that the background and foundation of the recollection you are sharing is shallow in nature and not really strong enough to make a remarkable response to the essay.

In order to improve the essay, you should discuss what is was like growing up on a military base (if that is where you live or lived) and how your exposure to the military family life helped you to develop a unique understanding of the world you live in. How did your father's absence affect your mindset in particular? Surely he was away more times than just the 8 months that you discuss in this essay. Why not discuss your mother and how she coped with the single parent aspect of raising you and your sibling all of these years? How different are you from your friends because of the unique upbringing that you had? These are the interesting points that should be referred to in your essay and not a situation that happened during Kindergarten because you were definitely too young to have that kind of understanding of what was going on. Make no mistake, the reviewer will be thinking the same thing and will decide that your narrative isn't as strong as it should have been.

Letters / He has always been consistent and punctual in classes. LoR on behalf of Mathematics teacher. [11]

Pallaw, you can mention that provided the discussion was in the form of a debate or research and there was an end result to the discussion that will highlight your skills and abilities in the field. You don't really have to mention that particular paragraph if there is no readily available information to support it. The letter you wrote is quite strong on its own and has merits presented that can be considered with the rest of your application. Since you have 2 other letters to present, one of the 3 can be only moderately strong. The other 2 will make up for any slack that the 2nd letter might create or gaps in experience that it presents.

The second letter can be reformatted to be more of a character reference for you rather than an academic or work related one. I say this because the later part of your letter talks about how you deal with people. Which is also a major factor that is considered with your application. So that letter can present that part of your personality instead.

Undergraduate / Essay about failure in musical theatre resulting in success in opera - common app prompt [4]

Am I that active? Thanks for the compliment Allana. In reference to your question, the forum admin doesn't consider it rude to post multiple essays at the forum. Provided that you post one essay per thread / post at a time. That means you can only have one essay in this current thread. If you want to have another essay reviewed, you have to start new thread / post. The rule of thumb is, one essay topic per thread / post.

That makes it easier for the reviewers to concentrate on improving your work and you can better keep track of the suggestions you are being given. After all, you wrote the essay one at a time. It stands to reason that the editing should also be done one at a time. Go ahead and start multiple threads for your essays. Just make sure to always provide the prompt and keep it to a single essay per thread / post. I'll be happy to assist you as soon as I can.

Undergraduate / Essay about failure in musical theatre resulting in success in opera - common app prompt [4]

Allana, I'll be giving you a general review of your essay below. I would like to request you to post the original prompt though. So that we can better assess your qualifications and narrative for relevance and compliance. Somehow though, I think I know which prompt you are responding to. I just need to be sure.

Now, the unhappy Oompa Loompa was only 8 years old when she took to the stage. Then she was 9 years old when she first sang opera. I fear that the ages will have a negative effect on your application because, and I say this from experience, reviewers do not believe that children of these ages have a believable and life-long ambition regarding the major they are applying to. Now, unless you are a child prodigy with the YT videos and recommendations from other notable names in the business training you, there is absolutely no way that they will consider these as life altering failures and accomplishments. Is there any chance that you have a more recent failure to speak of which better reflects an age of responsibility and awareness of your possible dreams for your future?

You need to have a better reflection coming from within you indicated in the essay. There is so much information about your mother being a "stage mother" and "handling" you more than her being a mother to you. Then the reference to other music teachers and how they "changed" your career path at such a tender age tells the reviewer that you may not have had a say in who you really were or wanted to become. The failure you depict was more about failing those around you rather than failing yourself. That is why these ages are not accepted in proper academic circles as a reference point for an applicant's true realization of his ambitions.

There is a need to create your voice in the essay. One that leaves out your mother and music teachers. One that tells the reviewer that you were old enough to assess who you want to be in life and how you plan to get there. The failure becomes more relevant once there is a clear personal loss on your part instead of presenting the way others pushed you towards a particular career path. So make yourself older, wiser, and more informed in your essay in order to overcome the lack of personal connection to your failures and successes.

Own the essay. Don't let the reviewer know that you were influenced by others in making career decisions. He wants to know what kind of failure you had and what you learned from it. It is a personal failure, not one brought about by your mother's influence or a success brought about by your mother's insistence on your pursuing this field. Find your voice and use it.

Graduate / A step closer to treating cancer - PHD SOP for Computational Data Enabled Science and Engineering [4]

Krithika, your SOP borders on becoming a lecture and research paper all in one. Your opening statement is nothing but a lecture that the reviewer has to endure rather than having the reviewer informed about your passion, skills, abilities, and desire to study this particular course for your PhD. While there are portions of your essay that apply to a proper PhD SOP, most of it just presents research material to the reviewer. That is not the kind of information you should present here. Let me break it down for you.

In the first paragraph, talk about yourself, how your interest in computer data enable science and engineering developed, and why you would like to pursue this line of study. Don't make this your autobiography. Just compress all of the information into a single 10 sentence paragraph at the most. It need not be overly long nor descriptive.

As with any higher academic application essay, you are required to summarize both your college education and your masters degree field of study in the second paragraph.Specifically mention your thesis work by title, responsibilities, and outcome of the research. Do not enumerate the classes that you took in college and the masters course as proof of your ability to perform well in the PhD course of your choice. Your thesis paper and subsequent course of actions while developing the paper will be more than capable of doing that for you.

Now, you have actually presented some work on your part that relates to this interest of yours. So I suggest that you improve that presentation in order to show the logical progression to PhD studies on your professional part. Make sure that you highlight the reason why you feel that the current knowledge that you have is no longer sufficient for the future work you want to accomplish.

Finally, make sure that you have indicated enough of your academic interests to prove that you have an actual dissertation project in mind that will cover the proper scope of discipline within the PhD course. This means you have to present a summary of your dissertation proposal for consideration. Mention specific professors from the university or classes that will help you advance in your research. This will show that you are not only familiar with the demands of a PhD course, but that you actually will complete the program because you will work towards gaining experience from notable people at the university. The interactive experience should make the reviewer believe that you are beyond excited to start working on the program at their university.

I believe that by better focusing the content of your paper, and revising majority of the content, your work will have a better chance of being considered for a slot as a PhD student. Good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Today experience matters much more than credentials in the labor market. ProTrack Engineering Co-op [6]

Bayathe, in the first paragraph, you do not really close your statement properly. You have an incomplete sentence that ends with "... makes a difference..." Therefore, it is obvious that your thought process is not completely presented yet. In fact, it isn't really as informative and strong as it should be in delivering your statement. I would suggest that you use the following statement I developed for you instead:

The Florida Pro-Track program makes a world of difference to people such as myself. I come from a country that is not capable of properly educating and training me in my field of professional interest. Therefore, I would not have a chance to grow as a professional in this field. Through my participation in the co-op program, I will be given the rare, once in a lifetime opportunity to actually pursue my interests and train in the field under notable professionals in the area , albeit in a foreign country. The most important reason and advantage for me as a participant in this program is that I have the chance to find employment in the field where I know I will find career fulfillment and satisfaction .

Using that statement should provide a more informed and stronger opening paragraph for your response. You can use what I wrote if you wish to, or you can write your own revised statement based upon it. The decision is yours.

Letters / He has always been consistent and punctual in classes. LoR on behalf of Mathematics teacher. [11]

Pallaw, in letter 1, it is best if your teacher can relate an actual incident that made him believe that you profound knowledge of algorithim skills in order to support his claim that you have a firm command of the necessary programs that have created a solid background for you. Concentrate more on proving your skills and do not mention your family problem in this letter. Professors are not supposed to know so much about their students and if they do, they are not allowed to tell other people about it. That statement shows that you, not your professor wrote this letter and the reviewer will immediately realize that and disregard the content of your letter. Do not make any personal references in any of your letters if you wish for the reviewer to take the recommendations seriously.

The second letter is weak when it comes to delivering an example of how you deal with logical reasoning. This is the chance of the reviewer to understand how you work and view you through the eyes of other people. Therefore, the professors must make mention of specific accomplishments that you have made in class which will further support their claims regarding what makes you special as a student.

For the third letter, remove the portion that states "Needless to say...his teammates." Do not make assumptions for the reviewer. Just state the facts of the project and allow him to come to his own conclusion. Most specially since you did not give a step by step, detailed explanation of your work. The reviewer cannot just take someone else's word for it. He has to judge that for himself.

Adjusting the letters in the areas of concern should help to make the letters stronger and acceptable to the reviewer. Remember, you will not be considered for admission on the strength of these letters alone so nobody can say that you won't get rejected for admission just because your recommendation letters are good. The next student may have more skills, a better grade transcript, accomplishments, and recommendations than you. So strive to present your best and accept whatever decision arises from your hard work, be it acceptance or rejection. At least your tried.

Undergraduate / Along the way of my 17-year rollercoaster ride in this life, I have learned valuable life lessons [2]

Ryan, your opening statement is good but doesn't really help your story along. The physical description of the family is not important to the essay. The best part of this portion that you can use is the one that says " I have experienced the world..." If you can reformat that last statement into a form that will better serve as your opening statement, your essay will become much more interesting to read than if you had just physically described your family. Give an overview of their individual ideologies instead and then discuss those in greater detail, as you did in the rest of the essay.

Now, in relation to what is wrong with this essay, please try to revise the portion about your sister. It is not right for you to be discussing her private life with her boyfriend in an essay that a stranger will be reading. Though you may be angry at her for being so close to her boyfriend and seemingly neglecting the family, I am sure she is not all bad. You have spoken of the negatives your father has had, the lesson your mother taught you, so the next step, will be to show how your sister has inspired you. I am sure she has done that successfully in some way. You just have to reflect on that time in your life and write about it in the essay. That is how you describe how your family has helped you develop into the person that you have become today.

Graduate / Evaluate profile for MS in Data Science Fall 2017 [5]

Pallaw, in your introduction, make it brief and concise by removing the sentence that goes " I find data science..." Add the information about data science in its place. That creates a more coherent understanding of your reason for wanting to study the course and collates the focus of the essay onto a singular topic for your introduction.

In the portion about your research interest, you have to show the progression of your current information with a specific progressive question that will relate to your required learning in this particular course. What new question do you wish to discover an answer to and why? What purpose will the thesis paper have in your career in the future? How will it apply to the wider scope of your field of work? You cannot simply enumerate your interests in the field and the past research you have done. A statement of purpose always has to include a potential thesis project to show a clear career progression on your part.

Save for those two portions, the rest of the information that you provide is enough to become part of the final essay form. I look forward to reading your revised essay. I am almost certain that it will be in its final form by then.

Graduate / I became interested in Public Health after participating in the NURHI project [5]

Hi Mojoyinola, the essay looks better now that you have the separators in place with each paragraph. The content is more focused but requires some clarification in some parts, editing in others. Here are the edits that you should apply in order to further smooth out the essay into its final form. For instance, we have this problem at the beginning of your essay:

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation sponsored a NURHI project in my country based on the Evaluation of the Use of Modern Contraceptives among Urban Indigent in Nigeria". After attending the conference, I found myself becoming interest in Public Health, specifically the prevention of reproductive health issues due to the low economic profile of the citizens of Nigeria. The effects of which, had a direct impact upon the quality of life of the Nigerians.

Adjusting your first and second paragraphs to fit in a single paragraph brings a crisper focus and concentration of discussion topics to your essay. As for the method by which you will be presenting your thesis statement, it is better presented in the following manner;

Due to my quantitative background, I have decided that I will pursue my masters thesis research on a topic related to the evaluation and research of public health with a focus on the measurement and evaluation of the effectiveness of public health interventions. The idea will be to use tracking and surveying health in order to identify pathways towards improving public health. I am aiming to complete this research during my time as a masters degree student at your university.

Here is an edit of a problem paragraph in the essay:

Asides my academic achievements, d During my Undergraduate studies at the University of Ibadan,... With my extra-academic engagements from varying angles I cannot put to writing here, Kindly refer to my transcript of records and other documentation for further information regarding my formal academic and professional training. I am confident t...

Finally, one last sentence to delete in the essay before our editing is completed:

Thank you very much for considering my application.

Undergraduate / Today experience matters much more than credentials in the labor market. ProTrack Engineering Co-op [6]

Bayathe, I don't see anything impressive in the way that you wrote this essay. You do not have a training path spelled out for yourself that will help you take advantage of this work - study program. Please look into considering your future career path and then relate it to the reasons why the Pro Track Engineering program will be of benefit to you. Basically, you should mention some companies affiliated with the program and the kind of training that you hope to receive under this program. Consider why the potential Co-op experience will help you stand out in the workforce after graduation. It should not just be because you worked at so and so company. It should be about how the practical training you will receive will help you progress to the next level of the workforce while other graduates will have to start at the bottom.

Now, you have to remove the scholarship reference in the essay. Don't confuse your personal reasons for wanting to join the program with your academic reasons, which is the primary focus of this essay. This is not the time to talk about the difficulties you have in getting an education because your country does not have a currency or that expenses are high and scholarships are hard to come by. Don't deviate from the prompt. Don't make the reviewer close the reading of your essay on the wrong topic because that is what he will most likely remember and, in this case, your closing statement does not relate to the prompt and therefore, will not help your application.

Graduate / I became interested in Public Health after participating in the NURHI project [5]

Mojoyinola, the first part of your essay runs too long. You have to compress that statement to only the basic facts of the seminar. That it was sponsored by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for the purpose of educating the community regarding public health. You don't need to give a complete list of the problems that plague your community. A simple overview in relation to your interest in Public Health will suffice.

Now, the rest of the essay is informative and covers all of the expected information except one. Statement of Purpose essays are always more effective when you can provide a research thesis for your graduate studies as part of the reasons why you wish to pursue higher studies. This adds to the sense of purpose for your studies and also, allows you to focus on a particular reason for your enrolling at the university. Right now, your interest is quite general and doesn't really offer the reviewer a look into your mindset or how completing this course can help you improve your community by simply educating you. The thesis question you pose would e most effective if you can tie it in somehow with your short term plan. That way the reviewer will know that you have an actual career progression in mind for yourself that can be supported by your studies.

Aside from the aforementioned suggestions, I must call your attention to the formatting of your essay. The format, which does not have paragraph separators causes reader fatigue and could cause the reviewer to stop reading your essay. You need to place spaced between paragraphs in order to give the reader's eyes a chance to rest and the readers mind will also have a chance to further consider what it has just read in relation to your application. Don't tax the reviewer's eyes. It will not be good for you.

These suggestions should help to bring your essay into a better format. Once you have applied the revisions, we can look into the final format or final changes prior to your submission. I look forward to reading your revised copy soon.

Undergraduate / Right from my childhood, my dream was to become a civil Engineer - personal and/or academic goals [2]

Habeeb. the prompt was cut off in your title portion. Please post the full prompt as soon as you can so that we can evaluate your work more accurately for the prompt requirements. I would like to recommend that you do not say that you dreamed of becoming a civil engineer from childhood. While you may have questioned how bridges are built and other similar things, a child would not have the ability to research that sort of information. All you have to do is change the term from childhood to some time during your teenage years. That way, your realization that you wish to become a civil engineer will be more logical and acceptable to the reviewer. It is very hard for them to believe that a any person under the age of 15 would have any ambition , desire, or inquisitive mind to think about such a serious and ambitious career at such an early age.

The later part of the essay does provide a personal goal on your part. I will have to read the full prompt to find out if there are any further avenues for improvement in your essay. So, I'll reserve the rest of my comments for our next round that will be guided by the prompt already.

Writing Feedback / The teenagers are frequently paticipating as a part of the working for community developments [2]

Ivan, for starters, there is no such thing as "older-young generations". Either you are a part of the older generation (your parents or older) or you are part of the young generation (anybody under the age of 21). You cannot be both. Make sure you use the correct terms in your essays because you are also scored on lexical accuracy so these terms could make the difference between a high or low score in the actual test.

In your opening statement, you also present a hanging sentence by saying " discuss getting paid for community is not reasonable..." Always use the complete term. In this case it would be "... paid for community SERVICE..." This will be part of your grammar accuracy and range score. Improperly developed sentences such as these will pull back the final score of what would have been a very well developed essay on your part. Next, "on where they were surveyed" should be "who were surveyed..." Really, these simple errors on your part have grave effects on your final score.

Let me tell you something that I seem to keep finding myself repeating to the students here. Don't use complex words, terms, or sentence structures if you are not sure that you can present those information properly. Don't risk receiving a lower score based upon forced errors when you can get a passing score based on simple, correct, and acceptable writing.

Writing Feedback / In this modern era, the pressure is faced by not only older people, but also children. [2]

Ivan, in terms of task accuracy, I think you could score no higher than a 4. That is because you present the prompt in a difficult to understand manner. As such, the paraphrasing of the essay has suffered and the understanding of the reader pertaining to the topic for discussion has been compromised. It takes a few repetitions of your paraphrasing before a reader can even guess what the relationship of the topics you are presenting for discussion has with the actual prompt. Don't get me wrong, it is only the vocabulary that is a drawback for your opening statement.

The cohesiveness and coherence of your discussion has more uniformity when it comes to the logical discussion of your facts and other related data. So you might score a decent 5 in that section. The fact that you quote academic sources shows that you have a clear understanding of the prompt and you are doing your best to raise the level of your discussion in the anticipation of a better score in this section of the test.

The lexical resource cannot be higher than a 4 because some of the terms that you use deliver a different meaning for your sentence developments. These problems create a difficulty for the reader who has to try and figure out what the correct term you wanted to use in the sentence was.

Needless to say, the grammar range and accuracy would be a 5 because of the problems with sentence development and structure. The lack of fluency in English often poses a difficulty for you in terms of writing which in turn affects the ability of the reader to easily understand your message.

Undergraduate / What draws you to Bates- Bates 2016 Writing Supplement [2]

Kevin, the essay really works for your benefit. It is strong and clearly reflects your understanding of the prompt provided. I would just like to caution you about bringing in the discussion of the Brook Quimby Debate Council in relation to beating the debate team of Harvard. Such a reference will not be seen in a good light by the reviewer because you are not yet a member of the university and as such, should not have an opinion about Ivy league competitions.

Along with that, you are making reference to an event that sounds like you are trying to flatter the reviewer in order to get better preference for your application. Discuss Quimbly instead in a manner that is more exciting to you because you have participated in debate activities in the past. You have displayed your desire to join the team in the latter part of the essay and that, should be more than enough to make your paper stand out along with the rest of your previous paragraph statement.

Undergraduate / Ever since I was small, I have been intrigued by discussions (SUA Essay Prompt) [3]

AvR, it doesn't help your essay to use the following references: "Ever since I was small" and "from a small age". If you want the reviewer to believe what you are saying, you must instead refer to yourself as a "young" person or better yet, not make any reference to age at all. From experience, I know that reviewers tend to read a statement that addresses those terms with a sense of disbelief. It is one thing to have that interest in your teenage or high school years, it is another thing to make the reviewer believe that you already had a liberal mindset even before you know what being a liberal meant. That is something that you gain an understanding of over your years as a young adult. Not as a "small child".

When you speak of how the university can help you improve your liberal mindset, do not make reference to information that you gained through research, talking to the graduates of SUA, or information available on their website. That makes your connection to the university mechanical instead of personal in nature. That is information that everyone applying to the university could freely refer to and thus, make your essay just one of the many applications that say the same thing to the reviewer.

How sure are you that the university truly embodies its values? Have you visited the campus and experienced their community or educational process? Don't make assumptions that cannot be supported by first hand information from you. Rather than simply rattling off the programs they offer their students, create a student life or learning plan for yourself based upon the programs and classes that they offer. The prompt asks " how do you think SUA could help you fulfill that purpose?" So think along those lines when trying to explain how your liberal arts education can be helped, developed, and cultivated at SUA. Show the reviewer how the university can help you through activities you will participate in and classes you will take with professors that you are interested in having discussions with. Create a personal connection between you, the university mission, values, and objectives, and your desire for a liberal arts education. The values, mission, and objectives can be found on their website and you can just develop a more personal presentation of that instead of discussing information you gained from the graduates and other research.

Basically, the first half of the essay clearly establishes your requirements for wanting to have a liberal arts education. What is lacking, is the focus on how the university can help you achieve that. Applying my suggested adjustments would be a step in the right direction in terms of better responding to the prompt and focusing on the important discussions that you should be presenting for the consideration of the reviewer.

Undergraduate / My Struggle with Personal Relationship and How I Solved It- 2016 CA Essay [5]

Yankun, whether it is the problem prompt or the failure prompt, your essay works for either common app discussion. It works because it shows both a problem that you had to resolve a failure on your part when it came to successfully socializing with your peers and roommate in particular. The advice that I gave you above for the improvement of your essay will also apply in both instances since you are in effect, hitting two birds with one stone in this essay. It is important to properly conclude the story because the narrative needs to close with a focus on you as a person and as someone who is still learning continuous lessons through the failure to communicate and socialize that you experienced.

Writing Feedback / Miss Grand International 2016 Comes Home to North Sumatra [2]

Muhamad, you did some pretty good work in summarizing this article. You were able to deliver the key points of the article and successfully informed the reader regarding the comments of the North Sumatra governor in relation to her achievement and how it can help her hometown. There is a slight correction regarding the term you used to describe where she came from. Don't call it a settlement, the proper term is hometown. A settlement is a place, typically one that has hitherto been uninhabited, where people establish a community. While the hometown is describe as the town where one was born or grew up, or the town of one's present fixed residence. Do you see the difference in meaning and why the latter term is the more proper term to use in reference to where she returned to after her win? Sometimes, using the wrong term reflects badly in the essay because it changes the meaning of the sentence. Therefore, it can affect the understanding of what you wish to say and how it is received by the reader. That could result in a lower vocabulary score when an examiner analyzes your summary.

Writing Feedback / High competition with other people makes parents to force their children to success - a big pressure [4]

Meireza, your task accuracy score would be 5. While your opening statement is a bit confusing to understand, you included some keywords and phrases in your presentation that helped the reader to somehow, come to a proper conclusion regarding the essay topic. Keywords such as higher pressures, causes of this condition, solutions to tackle this matter, all helped to create a more understandable portrait of the paraphrased prompt for the reader.

As for coherence and cohesion, you can get another 5. While the topic discussion is somewhat progressive and connected within the paragraphs, the lack of transition paragraphs to connect the two unrelated essay topic discussions held back the effectiveness of your discussion. The transition sentence could have helped a lot in creating a logical transition and line of discussion in the overall essay.

Lexical resource, is also a 5. You used enough simple English words and keywords or phrases. However, the words you used sometimes does not really apply to the discussion. However, your opinion was still understandable and somehow managed to come through the existing vocabulary problems.

Grammar range and accuracy will also fall within a 5. That is due to your limited discussion range and lack of complex sentences. The regular problems with grammar and sentence formation also affected the overall grammar presentation of the essay. However, you were still understandable to the reader, despite the stress that having to assess your paragraphs for meaning provided.

Writing Feedback / Most of children in elementary school have a dangerous habit of overusing their handphone [2]

Alfin, did you copy your paper from Yuri's essay? Somehow the two of you made the same mistake in referring to handphones as the central theme of your essay instead of opting to do what the prompt is asking you to do. That is to agree or disagree with the statement previously provided in the prompt. You even go on to discuss pornography in the essay. When the actual focus of the response should have been on whether the school and the parents of a child are both responsible for the unhealthy lifestyle of children or not. Band score for task accuracy would be 1 due to prompt deviation. Inability to properly paraphrase the prompt requirements and improper discussion of the topic provided. That is even though your conclusion is in line with the prompt provided. The whole discussion prior to that deviated from the prompt expectations and requirements. Therefore, your failed in the task accuracy component which, as we all know, comprises a great deal of the final score because that is the basis of your English comprehension skills scoring. Failure to comprehend instructions means you do not have the right English intellectual capacity to succeed outside of the English training classroom yet.

Writing Feedback / Children use their smartphones everywhere - it provides to the unhealthy lifestyle [2]

Yuri, I have to tell you that you will receive a band score of 1 for this essay. The reason that the score is so dismal is because you have complete misunderstood the prompt. You have misrepresented the topic and the format of discussion that the original prompt provides. Your overview is for a completely different topic. Therefore, it is not necessary to score the essay for the other sections in the band score because you already failed the most important one, task accuracy. It is important that you understand the prompt instructions before you write the essay. You have to ask questions while you can during the practice test in order to help improve your English comprehension skills. Then work on developing a coherent, cohesive, and grammatically accurate opening statement that correctly paraphrases the prompt. When you fail to accomplish the task accuracy portion, you will automatically fail in the rest of the sections. Since you have shown that you do not understand English and cannot express yourself even in the most elementary manner of writing in the language. There is no passing this test using this essay. I suggest you have someone explain the prompt to you in your native tongue. That way you can write a new essay that will be more prompt relevant and hopefully, grammatically acceptable in English.

Undergraduate / My Struggle with Personal Relationship and How I Solved It- 2016 CA Essay [5]

Yankun, it is pretty obvious that you are responding to the problem you have solved or would like to solve prompt from the common app listed topics. I have to commend you for developing a wonderful paper. The story you narrated was right on the mark. Involving the reader in the events unfolding and wishing that you would get to the resolution of the situation sooner, rather than later, as you presented the resolution with David at the very end of the paper. The problem is truly a crippling one for most people who have dedicated their lives to academics.

While the essay closed on a hopeful note, because you did reconcile with your roommate, I think that it is important for the reader to know how far you have come in terms of resolving your being socially closed off. I believe that further illustration of how you have (almost) overcome the personal hindrance will help the reader see that your problem is a work in progress and that the solutions are never ending because you will always be growing socially as a person. The story should not end with you reconciling with David. Instead, it should end with you opening up to the world as you prepare to move on to the next phase of your social development as a college student.

Essays / An four page research essay on a social issue - I chose the death penalty, which I am against [3]

Hi Sarah, look, the best way to learn what topic you would want to write about in opposition to the death penalty would be to read about the sociological ramifications of the death penalty. One my suggested reading materials on this topic would be Dr. Lisa Wade's paper titled "The Death Penalty, Race, and the Victim". The reason that I am suggesting you read this material is because it focuses on racial discrimination in society as a reason to oppose death penalty. There are times, when a capital punishment case goes to trial, that the jury becomes predisposed to vote for the death penalty in the event of a guilty verdict based upon certain social conditioning or prejudice in relation to race or color of the accused. Other sociology relevant sources for your preliminary research can include Ben Ambridge's article "Sociologists Test Six Arguments for and Against Capital punishment" That title alone sounds like you can additional research on the topic in continuation of Ambridge's work. Finally, Ted Goertzel also wrote about "Capital Punishment and Homicide: Sociological Realities and Economic Illusions". All 3 of these papers are sociology based discussions in relation to the death penalty. I am sure you will find your research topic within one or all 3 of these articles.

You could use that as the starting point of your research. Once you find a definite topic of interest to you within the research material, you can pursue developing that for your actual research paper. Keep in mind that you should start with a broad topic for research. That way, you can slowly narrow down the focus to something that you will have ample reference material for and also, show a particular interest in discussing. If you can provide that foundation for your paper, writing 4 pages will come easy for you. Good luck with your research. I know you can develop a single topic to research once you become more familiar with the connection of sociology with the death penalty.

Undergraduate / To get accepted into USC, one must _____________. (USC SUPPLEMENT) [4]

Thanks for the clarification. I believe that you still pursue some presentation about the organization that will help you stand out at the university. After all , you seem to be focused on using it to pursue your academic interests while there. My suggestion, is that you omit the part that discusses travel to foreign country in relation to your academic pursuits. Since the travel is not university based, the mention of it runs counter to the prompt expectations. The next sentence though, regarding the exchange of cultures as a student works well in representing the method by which you can further pursue your academic interests at USC. Perhaps expanding upon the LINC program and what you hope to pursue or achieve as a participant in the program will further heighten your explanation. It seems rather short and uninformative at this point. By the way, try to space out your discussion using paragraphs if you can. The presentation is just too stressful on the reader as there are no separations between discussions. I can see at least 3 points where you can start new paragraphs to make the reading easier on the eyes. Maybe you can spot them too?

Writing Feedback / A lot of people want to have a better life and it requires a good amount of educational background [5]

I have to point out that while the overall essay is informative and has a point, the basis for the discussion, or the thesis statement, as we call it in academic circles, doesn't really come across clearly in your opening statement. The first paragraph of a research paper is known as the thesis statement. This is the point where you explain the issue you are going to be researching about. Deliver the background of the issue and the topics that you will be discussing in an overview form. That way, the reader knows what the research is about and what the chronological discussion of things will be within the paper.

I went through your first 3 paragraphs and did not get a whiff of the possible topic for discussion and the reason behind it. Yet, when I reached the fourth paragraph, there was the start of the research and discussion. How did that happen? Always make sure to introduce your topic to the reader before you launch into the discussion. Otherwise, you will have your reader scratching his head, wondering how the discussion started and what the point of it is supposed to be. Expect a low grade for your research paper when you do not start it off in the proper manner.

Undergraduate / Keeping Your Stomach and Heart Full [3]

While you do mention that joy starts in the kitchen, you end up discussing dinner as the main activity that gives you the most joy. Therefore, there is a slight disconnect between the opening statement foundation and your concluding paragraph. It would benefit your essay if you could expand upon how cooking with your mother helps to bring you great joy and satisfaction as well. The act of cooking the meal should be represented as a bonding moment between you and her as mother and daughter. You know, kind of like portraying the time you spend together cooking the meal as a private moment where the two of you learn about each other in a way that a meal with the family cannot allow. If you expand upon the discussion with your mother as the two of you prepare the meal, then the essay will gain an informative and relevant length in terms of the prompt requirements. I am just concerned because the essay says to pick one activity and you are presenting two. I think that it would be in the best interest of your essay if you decide between cooking with your mother and having dinner with the family as the response to opt for in presenting the essay. Always adhering to the prompt requirements is essential when reviewers consider your essay so we should do exactly that. I vote for the cooking in the kitchen experience. Whatever you pick though, is fine with me.

Writing Feedback / (Summary TED) A temporary tattoo that brings hospital care to the home [5]

Alfin, there are so many problems with your summary that I do not really know where to begin. I guess I have to start at the most obvious place, the length of the essay. As you very well know, your summary should be at least 2 paragraphs long. In this instance, you barely created one paragraph. Therefore, your essay does not pass the length requirements of the test section.

Then we come to the content of the essay itself. I have absolutely no idea of what you are trying to say. Let me put it this way, in terms of cohesiveness and coherence, it would score a 1. There is absolutely no point in the information or discussion you are presenting. There is no point to your discussion. I cannot find a beginning, middle or end to your statements.

You should have mentioned more about the technology and the way it works. What is the technology called? Where was it presented? Why is it important? These are but a few of the all too important data that the summary should have contained in order to be deemed an accurate summary of the article. I assume it was an article because you even forgot to provide the link to the TED talk that you are talking about.

Undergraduate / To get accepted into USC, one must _____________. (USC SUPPLEMENT) [4]

NIcholas, I am not sure how simply joining the Phi Beta Lambda fraternity will distinguish you from other students. First of all, you are not absolutely sure that the fraternity will accept you even if you pledge to them. Second, you have not made any mention of activities within the fraternity that will help you to stand out among the other frat members and ordinary students. Therefore, I think that you are assuming too much in mentioning a specific fraternity. Who knows, you might end up in a different house in the end. The best thing for you to do would be to approach the presentation of a fraternity in general terms and then discussing what you hope to accomplish as a member of a fraternity, be general, not specific in approach.

Scholarship / Being awarded this scholarship is all I've dreamt about having. MasterCard Foundation [4]

Onuha, your essay has a tendency to get lost in the narration of your plans should you not get the scholarship. There are a lot of unnecessary references and content that steal away from the true meaning of your essay response. It would be best if you simply focus the essay on the direct response for the prompt. The following parts are the essential components of your proper response:

If I'm not awarded, I will have to continue to offer my services...skill for Graphic Designing.
I am very hard working person who doesn't take failure for an option and never gives up. I always tend to meet up with my career goals in the future.My plans in the next four years , if I am unable to win this scholarship will be to...

The answer you have to give them has to be clear and to the point. The reviewer doesn't really have the time to sort through all of the filler information that you provide. You are not being asked to plead your case in this essay. You are just being asked to provide your plans for the next 4 years should you not get the scholarship. Everything else that you mentioned is unnecessary and only takes the focus of the reviewer away from your 4 year plan. It only requires a 2 paragraph response.

Undergraduate / 'help others to get the ball rolling and self-perseverance' - Responding to an unfamiliar situation [3]

Albert, in order to understand why dealing with the seniors was an unfamiliar situation to you, the reviewer must first understand the background that you came from. Didn't you interact with your grandparents or other elders in your community? It seems unlikely that you never had to mingle with people older than your parents. After all, most of us were born with grandparents and we had to deal with them during certain instances. Clarify why you felt that this was unfamiliar territory to you in the beginning in order to make your apprehensions more believable in the succeeding paragraphs. Most importantly, explain why, even though you did not have any experience with seniors, you found yourself volunteering at the senior center. That would add more credibility to the reason as to why this was an unfamiliar situation to you.

Undergraduate / The Death of my Father. I become a self-sufficient, conscientious learner - Apply Texas Essay A [3]

Eliza, this is not an environment essay. This is more a backstory essay for the "If you have a background, talent, or identity..." prompt. The essay should be discussing what environment you grew up in and how it helped you develop as a person. The death of your father limits the scope of the essay to only his existence in your life. That is not the right angle to take for the discussion. Your focus should be on your overall family or community and their relationship with you. So if you want to discuss your family environment, then include your mother and siblings in the narrative. Describe the kind of influence they exert upon you, what you learned from them, and how you have become a better person because of it. Don't focus solely on your father, he does not comprise your whole family or community. You need to approach the discussion from a more generalized point of view.

Undergraduate / As a Nigerian and also a black child, I stand as a symbol of Africa all over the world and my dream [4]

Habeeb, let's start with the opening paragraph. That is really not necessary as your second paragraph is stronger and more direct to the point in responding to the essay. I suggest that you open your statement with that. Reviewer's do not normally believe in any statements that relate to a student's childhood or elementary school days. They find that the age disproves the kind of mindset and belief that the paragraph provides. So, in order to avoid a sense of disbelief in your essay, it would be best to just delete that part. The pledge of allegiance is not important in your essay either. The reviewer will opt to believe that you will return home based upon what you say in the essay and not because you know how to recite your country's pledge of allegiance.

Don't count off your plans in the essay. Just discuss your plans directly. That way you are taken seriously by the reviewer. The essay also gains a stronger angle because you show an unwavering consideration for your future upon the completion of your studies and your return to Nigeria. By the way, you can combine the first and second reasons in order to create a more interesting and informative paragraph. Your third reason should still have its own paragraph because it discusses a more advanced plan of action on your part with regards to your future career.

Your essay states some pretty solid, doable, and admirable plans for Nigeria upon your return. I am sure the reviewer will take note of it and consider it as part of your application. I wish you the best and I hope the revisions I suggest will be helpful to you.