Undergraduate / The club ignited the fire in me to embrace my individuality - COMMON APP ESSAY REVIEW [9]

Avipsha, you will need to work on the essay to provide clarity in terms of the belief or idea that you are challenging. Your explanation as to why you felt compelled to change your career plans, after your exposure to the club is enough to make the essay respond to the prompt. I would not advise you to include the reference to the actual career path that you have chosen because that is not a necessary aspect of the prompt. In fact, it confuses the reader when you suddenly bring in the discussion about your desire to enter into journalism. In truth, I was expecting you to say that you decided to pursue a career in psychology instead. That is because of the problems that you related you wished to help solve sounded a bit on the personal side and usually, those involved in psychology are the ones who help these types of people. To be on the safe side, just say that the exposure made you realize that you did not have to be a doctor to help people. Leaving out the career specific part so that your essay centers solely on the idea and belief that you challenged instead. The rest of the essay shows that you had to overcome the discrimination on your parent's side and that, makes the essay very much attuned to the prompt. You just need to make sure that the attention of the reader doesn't deviate from that discussion alone.

Essays / Wesleyan University Supplement on the pragmatic nature of liberal arts. [5]

Salman, I suggest that you run a search using the keywords "liberal arts education value". It will turn up a number of articles related to the topic and also offer you a list of universities that give a detailed explanation of what the premise of a liberal education is, the kind of classes you will be taking, and how you will be prepared for the workplace should you decide to enroll in this course. From the information that you gain from the research, you should be able to take note of key information points that may relate to your reasons for wishing to major in liberal arts.

Keep in mind that though the research will help inform you about the prompt requirements, you will need to write a totally original essay that shows your voice to the reader in relation to the prompt requirements. So you should make sure to find the familiar points between your learning beliefs and desires in relation to a liberal arts education. It should not be hard to do if you are determined to enroll in and complete this course in order to prepare yourself for a future career in the mold of a liberal minded person.

Research Papers / Artificial blood replacing donated blood, goverment involvement research and religious views [2]

Juan, for starters, if you are writing a paper regarding a medical topic, make sure that all of the examples that you use in your paper are related to the same. You can't use technology as an example of conveniences we take for granted and then suddenly throw in the discussion about the need for blood. Those two technologies are not related. In fact, one is a technology and the other, is a medical science. It is about biology, so an example relating to biology would be better suited in this instance. Needless to say, I am advising you to replace your references to technology in the opening statement of your essay. It may tend to confuse the reader because those are two different topics that can never see eye to eye on any discussion level. So relate the information for a better foundation for your research.

In a formal, academic research paper, you may use a comma, a period, a semi colon, a colon, or even quotation marks or question marks. You absolutely, under no circumstance, cannot use an exclamation point. Who are you shouting at? Why are you shouting at your professor? That is a clear sign of disrespect and should be removed from the print.

Finally, you need to clarify the thesis statement of your essay. What is your research about? What will you be discussing in the research paper? What solution or decision do you hope to present in the conclusion? These are the kinds of summarized information that will help you create a strong thesis statement and I hope that you can include them in your revised work.

Writing Feedback / Some interesting facts about a huge reservoir of water that was found inside the Volcano in Andes [2]

Andika, the essay seems to be better developed than your other attempt today. I wish that you had added the url for the original article so that I could have double checked your information against the original source. The sentence development is inconsistent but does not detract from the information that you are trying to deliver. It contains enough information to educate the viewer regarding the long form of the article. You have managed to deliver a clear idea as to the important information from the original, as far as I can tell. I cannot find out if you have omitted any important information by mistake because I cannot read the original article. So far though, I would have to say that you did an acceptable job on this essay. It shows that your English comprehension abilities are good enough to help you understand the English articles you will be reading in the future.

Writing Feedback / Angela Lee Duckworth found a way to be a better person and shared her experience [3]

Andika, while I will give you an allowance for misspelling words due to the fact that you were writing under time constraint, please be reminded that word misspellings in an actual test will result in a lower score as points will be deducted accordingly in the final band score. I am unclear as to who Angela is because your sentence development was unclear. I am not sure what you mean by "Angela period". I know that Angela is the topic of the article, but how did she become a period in school? Since that would have been your topic sentence in an actual test format, you will have immediately failed the test as you did not properly represent the topic sentence from the original source. Since you would not have scored well due to the problem with the topic sentence and the spelling mistakes, I would like to give you a chance to repeat this essay. This time, pay attention to your spelling and properly develop your topic sentence in order to gain a better score. I know you can do it. You just need to concentrate this time around.

Undergraduate / REVIEW ESSAY FOR PEACE CORPS VOLUNTEER APPLICATION [2]

Rebecca, for starters, you are 9 words over the 500 word maximum limit. You may want to look into the portions that you can either edit or summarize in order to better fit the word requirement. Next, the essay can use some improvement in terms of topics covered in order for you to better reflect certain expectations of the reviewer. While I understand that you are allowed to write 2 essays for this application, I believe that this essay, which sounds like the personal essay aspect of the application essay requirements, should be better developed in order to portray your abilities as a volunteer.

I don't believe that referring to Malala will help this essay going forward because what the Peace Corps needs to know is how you can possibly handle 2 years in dire environmental circumstances. Far removed from the life you currently know. So simply saying that you are well traveled and have experience living abroad is a far cry from telling the reviewer that you know what it is like to have to use the bathroom in the woods or have to eat food that is unfamiliar to you. The fact is, you need to show the reviewer that you can embody the 3 objectives of the Peace Corps.

Think of this essay as an application for the show Survivor. You need to let the reader know that you have experience living without the basic amenities that you take for granted right now. In your personal statement, make sure you can highlight that you know how to rough it out in life and that you know how to find enjoyment in living a life that lacks in most things that you take for granted. That is how 2 years in the life of a volunteer goes. The reviewer needs to know that you are physically, mentally, emotionally, and medically prepared for the challenges you will be facing. I don't really see that represented in this essay at the moment.

Undergraduate / Discipline your emotions, or they will use you - Common app Prompt 2 [6]

Bharat, there is no clear reference to a failure in this essay. This essay sounds more like you were throwing a temper tantrum that actually experiencing a failure. Maybe you can spell it out for me. What exactly was the failure you were referring to in the essay? It doesn't sound like a failure here because all you did was refuse to take your medicine, you were spanked, and you decided to run away from home. Where is the failure? You ended up in the hospital after you were given 30 cents because you were mistaken for a vagrant. Again, where did you fail? No, this is not a failure, this is just a simple temper tantrum gone wrong on your part. This cannot be used as an explanation for this essay prompt. You will need to develop a new essay. One that actually shows a failure and a clearer picture of how you evolved as a person because of that experience. There is nothing in this essay that can be understood to offer a self realization that helped you become a better person. You need a stronger moral lesson story in this essay than the one you just presented.

Writing Feedback / Study of Sociology Aspects of Art Theft [7]

Let's see if I can show you how to better improve upon your thesis statement. I just feel like there is something lacking in it. I would consider improving the statement by saying the following in my introduction to the topic:

In 2008, 4 important painting by Van Gogh, Monet, Degas, and Cezanne were stolen from a museum in Zurich, Switzerland. The total cost of these paintings was 163.2 million dollars. I..

Now the above is only an example of how you can improve your thesis statement by correctly laying out the foundation for the thesis and eventual presentation of your thesis statement. I hope it can help you with the next revision of your thesis statement.

Undergraduate / I'm imagining what will happen if I got a ticket to go anywhere I want. I'll go to the year of 2020. [3]

Chanh, the ticket story should be based on your current reality. The ticket does not give you access to a time traveling machine that can take you to the future. Base your imagining on a topic or theme that you can deal with at the present time. Think of where you would want to go where you, as a person, student, or professional, can make a difference in the lives of people. Be reality based in your dreams and aspirations. Make sure that the story you tell revolves around a cause close to your heart. It should be civic oriented. While an academic base aspiration is acceptable, you should try to present a side of yourself that the reviewer may not normally have a chance to know about, since you weren't allowed to do that in the common app prompts. For instance, you can think of how you want to change the world now. Where would you start your quest and how you would begin it. Use the ticket to help you create the future that you envision for yourself.

Undergraduate / "I do not dream success, I work for it." - My principal. Essay apply Texas To UT Austin [2]

Chanh, this draft essay definitely works very well as a response to the background story. However, there was a slight deviation in the background direction when you discussed your academic grades. That removed the attention of the reviewer from your background story. If you would kindly remove that portion of the essay, the rest of the body should fall back into place. You see, the story about your grades did not really relate to your background as an immigrant student to the USA. Therefore, you should remove it. Your immigrant travails and challenges are interesting to read in the essay and the deviation removed from the enjoyment of that topic. Don't even discuss the Top 50 Schools in America portion. That again, relates to your academic challenges which are not related to your background story. The removal of the deviated topics should create a stronger and more relevant essay for the reviewer to consider with the rest of your common app essays.

Undergraduate / The Light Inside the Dark. Why would you be a good participant in UGRAD Program? [3]

Madina, I am not sure that this essay will work for the benefit of your application. The UGrad program is a one year program that asks the participants to make full use of the semester abroad to help increase their personal knowledge base while exchanging information with the host country's students. Your essay really started off really bleak and sad. That isn't really an opening statement that would entice the reviewer to continue reading your application.

I am not sure about the problems that you hope to resolve during this year abroad. Could you be more specific and make sure that the problems that you will relate will find a solution to has a stronger academic than personal reason for existing? The program is not meant to be psychological therapy for you. It is meant to increase your knowledge through an exchange of information between students. That is not the vibe that I am getting from your essay.

What I am pointing out is that the reasons that you present for making you a good participant isn't really that impressive. You need to explain what would make you an exceptional addition to the program. Some academic accomplishments, along with civic interests should help to better align your response to the essay requirements.

Research Papers / HELP ME WITH RECOGNIZING THREE FAILINGS OF MY PAPER ON THE COLIN KAEPERNICK EFFECT. [2]

Nate, the first problem that you have to address in your paper is the fact that the topic you have chosen to discuss casts a wide net in the discussion circle and as such, doesn't really allow you to properly discuss and develop the evidence presented in a manner that will properly impact the reader. I am almost sure that your teacher will allow you to narrow down the discussion to a few or just one effect that Kaepernick had on the sports viewing public. My advice is that you narrow down your thesis statement and opt to present a minimum of one and maximum of three effects that he had on the public. Keep it simple and easy to present. That way the essay narrows down the focus and has the capacity to fully develop your discussion points.

Next, when you present the history of Kolin's protest, you don't need to go all the way back to the 60's for the information. You can mention an overview of racial tension of the 60's but focus on the more recent issues related to police brutality instead. That way you discuss only the most related and relevant reasons in relation to his protest.

Finally, try not to continuously present new ideas as you discuss the topics in your essay. All of your discussion points should be presented in the first paragraph thesis statement, with a chronological discussion following it in the body of the essay. Therefore, to make this research more connected and less wide in scope, you need to stick to only your thesis statement provided discussions.

Research Papers / A Revised version of Obama Giving Away the ICANN Administration [2]

Ashley, when I read your essay, the first thing I thought was that you had chosen a very interesting article to present as your research essay. I really looked forward to reading what you had to say. Then I read your first paragraph. I read the whole paragraph completely a few times and then found myself wondering about something. What was the premise of your research? What question are you trying to present for response to the reader? You said towards the end of the paragraph that you were going to look at both sides of the discussion in the paper. That was when I found myself wondering about 2 things.

1. What are the 2 sides of the story that you are presenting for discussion?
2. Why is the president seeking to change the ownership of ICANN?

Basically, the essay you wrote is quite informative. However, your thesis statement, located in the first paragraph needs further development. Also, the presentation of the information using in-text citation needs to be double checked for the format. There are certain instances when you do not seem to have properly cited the work in the text. What research format should this be presented in? You should double check to make sure that you are following the correct citation format. Good work though. You just need to consider some important factors in further improving your work.

Undergraduate / "Dream Big, and The Result Will be Big." Why would you be a great participant of Ugrad? [2]

Ryan, your essay is interesting and informative. However, the middle part deviated from being a personal statement, to bordering on a statement of purpose for a masters degree application. Since you are only going to spend a semester abroad, you need to adjust your interest in studying in the U.S. and the accomplishments you hope to accomplish while you are there. Keep in mind that you will only be in the U.S. for one year at the most, your personal statement should indicate how you plan to spend that year abroad, based upon your current study interests and social inclinations.

It would be good for your application if you can indicate a personal purpose for your desire to study abroad for a year. It could be something along the lines of experimentation that you cannot complete in your home country, or a desire to learn about some advancement in the field that was pioneered in the U.S. The only criteria that will help your essay stand out is that you plan to complete this project study or something related within a year. This will be the "dream big" part of your essay.

While it is nice that you wish to share your culture and heritage with the Americans, you should also make it clear that this will be a cultural learning process for you as well. You can term it a "cultural exchange" if you wish to since you will helping them learn about your country and they should help you learn more, non traditional information about the U.S.

The rest of the essay should be easy to adjust to my suggestions if you should decide to take it. Most of what you are saying can easily merge into new paragraphs. You just need to be a little creative and know at which parts of your revisions you can use the existing information.

Writing Feedback / The education you receive from your family is more important than the education you [3]

Danial, I would say that your task achievement score would be 4 in this instance. Mostly because you did not clearly present the overview of the prompt, you did not cover the key features of the discussion, and finally, your opening statement came across as unclear. Your coherence and cohesion might score around a 5 because, while there is a sense of coherence and cohesion, there is a lack of overall progression in the essay. You failed to use transition sentences between paragraphs. The transition sentences create the cohesive part of the essay as it connects one paragraph to another in terms of discussion and common points. The Lexical Resource could score no more than a 3 when you consider that there is a clear lack of ability to form understandable sentences. Grammatical range and accuracy might share the same score because errors in grammar and punctuation do not reflect the proper sentiment of the writer. That is mostly because of your lack of English speaking and writing ability. Not to worry though, you should improve over time provided you have constant practice.

Research Papers / Letting the Media Have an Upper Hand [2]

Harleyann, your opening statement is supposed to accomplish a number of things for your essay. First, it should present an introduction to the topic that you will be discussing. Topics for each paragraph are outlined at this point. Second, the paragraph should end with a thesis statement or the question you are presenting for discussions within the essay. You absolutely cannot, open the essay with a series of quotes. This is unacceptable in academic circles because it is seen as an easy way out when it comes to developing your essay foundation. Therefore, you have to write a new introduction, saving the quotes for use in the succeeding paragraphs.

You should also consider developing a more relevant title for your essay. The current title doesn't tell the reader what the media has an upper hand on so they may decide to pass on reading that paper. Try to always tie in your title with your essay premise. That way, the title informs the reader regarding what to expect should they opt to read your essay.

Overall though, the essay is informative and does its job. The quotes are properly spaced out so that it doesn't seem like the essay is simply composed of a series of quotes. Aside from the previous observations, your essay pretty much accomplishes the task you developed it for.

Writing Feedback / Train soldiers for war. Let's train them to come home, too [2]

Riandi, your summary is quite short. It does not carry the complete information that the video and transcript offer. You did not refer at all to the past treatments for PTSD and the current treatments being used. There should have been a discussion centering upon the need to retrain these soldiers suffering from PTSD for civilian life. The informative summary should have, at the very least, mentioned a quick list of the treatments that Hector Garcia suggested in the video. In order to have written an effective summary of the video, you should have included reference to the successful treatment done on Carlos and how it transpired. Your current summary tells me that you just forgot to refer to these things in specific terms. That is because you have written a nice overview of the simple, but irrelevant parts of the video presentation in your summary. All you have to do is make sure to lengthen the essay by adding the important points to it somewhere in the middle part of the summary essay.

Writing Feedback / Creative Approach to Teach Engineering for Everyone [3]

Mujaddidah, the most important thing that you have to know when it comes to writing summaries is that you need to get the spelling right when indicating important data within the essay. In this case, you misspelled the word "Flappy Bird" which is the game that is indicated in the original video. If you had bothered to refer to the transcript to double check your information, you would have realized that you spelled the word as "Fluppy" which is not the same word as "Flappy". When you make a mistake with any part of the information, even if it is something as simple as the name of a game, the overall veracity of the essay is affected. There now exists a flaw in your essay which will make the reader question the validity of your report.

Aside from that, you neglected to mention the activity that pushed Fawn to become creative in her teaching classes. The fact that the students were bored or intimated by the original building kits is an important part of the report. That portion explains how the author came to conclusion that changes in the teaching method was badly required.

Finally, you should have defined the meaning of low floor, high ceiling, and customization means to the author and the learner. Keep in mind that in a summary, explanations are vital to the understanding of the reader. In this case, you failed to give meaning to the words so the reader has no idea about the relevance of these terms in the summary.

Writing Feedback / Honeybees: Our Past, Present, and Future [2]

Shantel, I guess the question that I was left with when I read your introduction was, "Why did she want all the bees dead?" You need to explain about it as more than just because they disturbed the peace around you. Surely there was more to this than that because simply creating noise while you want quiet doesn't deserve a wish to eradicate the whole species of an insect. Now, if you told me that you said that because you are allergic to bee stings, then the statement about having them all dead would make more sense.

Next question, what is the writing format for your essay? Is it supposed to be APA, MLA, Chicago, Turabian or what? The reason I ask is because the in-text citations seem to need some format revision. There is something wrong about the way that you are posting your in-text citation. Just can't pinpoint what it is because I am not sure about the formatting you are being instructed to use. Once you tell me which of the aforementioned formats you are using, I can better advise you regarding the format for in-text citations.

By the way, I need you to add spaces between your paragraph to signify the start of a new topic discussion within your essay. The essay is a bit difficult to read at the moment due to the page compression. However, I am confident that the essay will get better once my suggested revisions are implemented.

Undergraduate / Looking back on how I handled that situation I should have acted differently - ethical dilemma essay [3]

In the first paragraph, you are running a bit short. I suggest you move up the second paragraph and attach it to the currently stand alone sentence. That way you have a full introductory paragraph that really moves the essay along at a faster pace. Right now, I know you meant that sentence to be the hook for the reviewer, but it doesn't work because the sentence does not have any solid foundation or essence. My suggestion is meant to address that problem with the paragraph.

Consider now, the content of the current last paragraph. You need to offer solid evidence of how your teammates treated you like an outcast. Explain how you felt and if you were able to overcome their treatment. Meaning, that you were able to make them treat you better or whatever happened to your relationship with them. This will respond properly to the "How did the outcome affect you?" portion of the prompt.

Finally, you should write a new conclusion that addresses how you would deal with the situation in the future. Explain (if possible) how you plan to join the golf varsity team of the university and explain how you would handle the situation differently if the same situation should come your way again.

I think that the application of the aforementioned revisions should help to finalize the content of your essay. Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / Looking back on how I handled that situation I should have acted differently - ethical dilemma essay [3]

T, your essay will be quite unique to the reviewer because you are going to be discussing the gentlemanly sport of Golf. I have to say that for me, being a non-golfer, I found your work to be highly informative about the game and your explanation about the honor code impressive as not all sports function on a "word of honor" system. Now, I believe that the essay works well in terms of responding to the prompt requirement. You just need to adjust the presentation and conclusion parts.

For the presentation, we can skip editing the first paragraph. The way that you wrote that portion really helps to explain a lot of things about your dilemma later on and also gives a non-familiar reviewer a tutorial in the game and its rules. It is the second and succeeding paragraphs that we have to look at for revisions.

In order to make the essay more prompt responsive, I suggest that you start out by explaining your actions the previous week instead. That is the portion about how you warned the competitors about the errors they were about to make and how your team lost by one point because of it.

By discussing that portion first, your third paragraph will become the discussion about the new game play that your coach developed for the team. This will then offer a comparison between you, playing the gentlemanly sport and your coach, who was playing simply to win, at any cost and by any method. Thus making your dilemma quite clear to the reviewer once you present it.

The succeeding paragraph is alright. However, I am concerned by the fact that you do not show any repercussions for your actions. So it would seem that there was no lesson for you to be learned in that aspect. Although, you did say that you learned to reconsider your actions and decided that you should have approached the situation differently.

What is lacking in the essay at this moment is the last part of the prompt that asks you to consider if, faced with the same dilemma in the future, you would find yourself acting in the same manner. That should be dealt with as your concluding paragraph. Overall, this is a well thought out essay that just needs to be developed for coherence and cohesion. Good work on your part so far.

Writing Feedback / Some Daily Light Foods Trigger Serious Disease [2]

When writing in a formal tone, do not use words such as "stuff" in the summary. That indicates a lack of vocabulary skill and removes the seriousness by which the original article was written. Also, the original article makes mention of previous studies and publications that deal with this topic, you should have properly cited those original sources in the summary as well. Since the result of article quoting Veinnois was built up over a series of preceding articles, then all the related research should have been included in the overview as well.

Most of the issues with your essay has to do with proper sentence structure. The presentation tends to be confusing because of the way you developed the sentence for presentation. However, the lack of proper grammar and presentation did not give the reader a hard time because the meaning of the statement was left clear within your written work. The fact that you followed a logical development and presentation for the important information helps to increase the final score of this practice essay to an overall score of 5. At least, that is my opinion of how I would score your work as an examiner.

Writing Feedback / Summary: Time - J.K. Rowling Hints That Dumbledore Will Be Openly Gay in the Fantastic Beasts Sequel [2]

Alrisky, I can tell from your writing that you are a fan of the Harry Potter book series and universe. It is reflected in the way you summarized the story from time.com using information that is not in the original article. Therefore, the information you posed in your summary, aside from Dumbledore being gay in the new movie series is incorrect. To be perfectly honest, you did a good job in the first part of the statement because it adhered to the information presented in the article.

The improper information came in the second paragraph as you mentioned the early image of Hogwarts would be featured in the film although it was not referred to in the article. Hogwarts was mentioned only in reference to describing the future role of Dumbledore in the book franchise. You should always strive to maintain verifiable information in your statement by double checking the information you are presenting against the original.

Writing Feedback / Summarize article : Why Yellow Birds Mysteriously Turn Red [3]

Andika, this is an acceptable summary at this point. I believe that you could have created an almost perfect summary if you had omitted the first sentence in this summary statement. Sticking to the opening from the point where you speak of the Orinthologists would have immediately called the attention of the reader to the information offered within the original article. The first sentence, which was meant to act as the hook did not work very well because there was no proper set up for the statement sentence. Before that topic sentence was placed, you should have placed a simple narrative sentence that would have implied that people were wondering about why the bird's feathers were changing color in the first place. A general observation of sorts would have sufficed prior to the presentation of the information that people could not figure out why that was happening. By the way, next time, kindly post a link to the original article for our reference during the review of your essay. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / A great thing for all students to have the chance to study arts and music in secondary school [3]

Erlisa, next time you post an essay for review, please make sure that you include the full prompt that you are responding to. We need the prompt instructions so that we can assess your essay for responsiveness and coherency. The prompt itself at the moment gives a personal opinion alone and I am not quite sure if only the personal opinion should be reflected in the paper.

That small situation aside though, the essay takes its strength in being delivered based upon your personal experiences. Whenever possible, it helps the essay score when such points of view are used because it shows a clear understanding of the prompt. It increases the chances of your scoring higher in the Task Achievement portion when the essay stays on topic and provides all the prompt requirements. I believe that you would have scored well on this prompt as a practice test based upon what you have written, with deductions in place for certain shortcomings which, at the moment, I cannot ascertain due to the lack of the prompt so I cannot tell you the specific problems areas to concentrate on improving.

Writing Feedback / Suzanne Barakat: Islamophobia Killed My Brother. Let's End The Hate [4]

Muhamad, when you are writing an article summary, you are not allowed to portray any sort of personal statement that could show a conflict of interest or certain bias in the way that you summarize the information. In this instance, you did exactly that. By showing a personal connection to the summary, you have tainted the discussion and summary that you have presented to the reader. When you write an academic paper, you are supposed to be able to compartmentalize your sentiments and personal opinions so that it does not interfere with the true essence of the summary / message.

Now, the essay itself is understandable. However, there are still sentence development and grammar issues that exist. The problem with your sentences occur because of your uncertainty regarding the proper tense (past, present, future) usage. This causes a confusion for the reader and requires them to create their own conclusion as to the occurrence of the events you are narrating.

Writing Feedback / The choice for some people is to be happy from an early age [3]

Andika, when you write a summary essay that has to trace its information to the earliest known information regarding a study or survey, that part of the summary should come first. Start with the oldest information, working your way to the summary of the newest information so that there will be a clear chronology of information for the reader to process. At the moment, your summary gets confusing because, aside from the sentence development problems and vocabulary issues, the summary seems to just haphazardly offer information without a clear logical pattern. Your first sentence in this essay, which was supposed to lay the understanding for the discussion with the essay portrays an incomplete thought pattern and as such, creates a hanging sentence that does not make any sense. Remember to review your summaries in order to ensure that every sentence makes sense to the reader. Otherwise, the reader will be unduly stressed and may not be able to understand the overall summary because of the problem with the topic sentence.

Undergraduate / This my Literacy essay, my professor asked me to revise it to get a better grade.. [2]

Ahhamad, it would be easier for us to review your essay if you had attached your professors comments. Then we could have easily given you advice as to how to improve the current essay. Without it, I will be forced to give you a new set of reviews that may or may not follow in the vein of your professors comments. Anyway, I will do my best to advice you regarding the content of your essay.

Your first paragraph is interesting to read but does not offer a clear idea as to the thesis statement of your essay. What information will you be trying to present? Why do you feel a need to present that information? What do you hope to present by the conclusion of your essay?

The formatting of your paper is quite improper. It should have proper spacing between paragraphs and sentences. That means this paper should be either single spaced between sentences and double spaced between paragraphs or double spaced in terms of sentences and accompanying paragraphs. An essay that is properly spaced is easier to read and creates a situation where the reader will be able to better follow your flow of thought.

Your current third and fourth paragraphs are too long. There are multiple topics in a single paragraph. The rule of thumb is that each paragraph should only have one topic each. I suggest that you try to outline your discussion first. Using the topic outline to develop each paragraph. This will also help you to better edit the essay for content. Allowing you an opportunity to remove insignificant information which will only take up word count and space on the page without really helping your essay to move along in the discussion.

Double check your paper for existing errors such as double words used in a single sentence, improper word usage, and punctuation errors. I see quite a number of those errors at the moment. Simply using Spellcheck in MS Word should help you address most of those problems.

Graduate / Case Western Reserve University- essay- significant experience in my life [4]

Yuen, you should never assume that the reviewer will be familiar with the places that you will be mentioning in your essays. Bear in mind that these places are more familiar to you since these are within your area of residence or within your country, hence your familiarity with them. Not everyone will know the places you are mentioning so being specific will be helpful to your essays when it comes to locations and places.

Now that you mention that you meant highlight your parents change of attitude towards your independence regarding the trip, the essay, now that I think about it, is more geared towards the transition to adulthood prompt than a significant experience or "milestone" in your life. While this essay could very well portray a "milestone" because it showed your parents you are finally an adult, I don't see this as actually having a direct impact on you as a person. This event relates mostly to your parents.

When students write about an event that had a significant impact, the event normally has a more personal note attached to it. The significant impact is something that either changed their mindset about something or inspired them to become a better version of themselves. It should be a topic or event that changed something in their character or helped to further improve the character of the student.

My opinion is that you should try to find something more significant in terms of character development on your part. However, if you opt to use this essay in the sense of a milestone, it just might work just as well.

Writing Feedback / The number of foreign learners alumni from colleges in several towns in Canada [2]

Andika, I would say that this could get a band score of 5 if provided in an actual test setting. The reasons that I believe that would be your score has its basis in the scoring criteria itself. While you attempted to cover all of the important information in the essay, you failed to give a listing of the countries covered by the graph illustration. The overview suffers from incomplete information as well. Points will be deducted for those in an actual test. You also have a problem regarding the cohesion and coherence of your sentences. The problem is that the sentences you develop tend to be unclear due to your limited vocabulary. These problems combine to make a difficult to understand essay on your part. Finally, you have tremendously frequent grammatical errors that will cost you a big chunk of your final score in an actual test. I suggest that you consider the parts I am concerned about and try to develop those aspects in preparation for your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / "How to build the medical health care system" IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [3]

Jeson, is this your first time writing an essay for task 2? If it is, then don't feel so bad because I am giving this current essay a rating of 4 in the overall band score. There are tremendous problems with your grammar, vocabulary, and sentence structure to name but a few of the areas that I suggest you concentrate on improving. There are many parts of the essay where your message is lost because of the part came across as unclear to the reader. That happens when you fail to develop the sentence structures accurately. The problems with the grammar, vocabulary, and punctuation lead the reader to a difficult, if not faulty understanding of your essay. The grammar problems were so bad in the essay that I really found myself constantly having to read, re-read, then re-read your paragraph. When a reviewer needs to read your paragraphs or your full paper a number of times before he can make sense of what you have written, you can bet that your score will not be a passing one in the end. Kindly take note of my comments and try to improve upon them with your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / Summary IELTS Task Beagle Mars probe probably didn't crash, new analysis shows [4]

Dioba, your writing is inconsistent and fractured. The information your essay is not complete and your sentence formation is quite choppy. You should concentrate on improving your note taking skills before you focus on your sentence structure problems. It would be best for you to learn to recognize the important information being conveyed in the original article, which you can then take jot down as part of the important notes to be included in the summary. By doing this, you should be able to develop smoother sentences which will not lack on coherence and should also help you properly accomplish the summarizing task. When you write these summaries, you should always cite the original publication, its date, and the author if any is provided. That way your summary gains an air of authenticity and also helps you avoid any charges of plagiarism in a professional context. Don't forget that the information about the writer and publication are also important information related to the text you are summarizing.

Graduate / Case Western Reserve University- essay- significant experience in my life [4]

Yuen, please clarify the information about the trip that you took. Where is the actual destination? Was it Lake Balkal, Blue Ice, or Siberia? By mentioning three different places in the essay you really confuse the reviewer. We need to know where the actual destination for you was. As a reader, I found myself really confused while reading your essay because, being unfamiliar with the territory, I could not finalize where you were actually headed. Which led me to wonder if you bothered to outline the essay topic, information you will present, and if you bothered to proof read the content before you sent it to us for review.

Additionally, in order for the reader to consider this a significant experience in your life, I believe that you should open the essay with a description of the kind of personality that you had before you had this experience. That way the significance of the event becomes clearer to the reader. The point of comparison can help the reader better understand the reasons why you would consider this event a significant experience in your life.

Letters / The application for chemistry of renewable energy - Motivation Letter for my Master's degree. [3]

Sharon, a motivation letter is approached with the same mindset as if you were writing a statement of purpose. Your current essay is actually not bad, but requires better direction, proper content representation, and a clear post study career direction. Here is what I advice you to do in reference to revising the content of your letter.

1. Properly summarize your relevant college studies in relation to the masters degree course you are applying to. You will need to indicate the specific classes that you took which led to your increased interest in the field of renewable energy.

2. Indicate any professional experience that you have in this field. Seminars attended and other relevant training experience will help better display the reason for your motivation to pursue higher studies in this course.

3. Make sure that you explain why you opted to apply for masters acceptance at this particular university. The mention of particular courses and professors will increase the idea behind your motivation. At this point, you must highlight why you believe that you are a perfect fit for a masters program at the university. Talk about your future study plans and how the university will be able to motivate the completion of your dissertation.

4. Discuss any internship programs or training offerings that the university offers its masters students as part of your motivation to apply.

If you already have some universities in mind to apply to, I suggest that you check out their essay requirements for your application before you finalize the content of this essay. If you are requested to send in a statement of purpose instead of a letter of motivation, you will need to do some simple revisions of this essay to better suit the expected information.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, I guess the first question I have to ask you is, which common prompt in particular are you writing this for? I believe that there are three common app questions this essay could respond to. One is the background essay, the second, is the incident or time when you experienced failure, and the final one, is the transition from childhood to adulthood. This essay is a good draft that you can actually adjust to fit any of the three aforementioned essays. The essay is quite interesting and engaging. However, I would not consider it a completed essay at this point. There are openings for improvement within the content, based upon the prompt that you will be responding to.

Will it catch the eye of the reviewer? Yes, with some more editing to make it better suit the prompt you will be using the essay for. Will it work for your application? I believe it will. No two essays are alike and we never can tell what information will make the reviewer interested in your writing. The best thing to do is to ensure that the essay meets the prompt requirements of the common app. That way, you may hook the reviewer into reading the full essay.

Research Papers / How can our teenagers obtain information on sexually transmitted disease? Rough draft essay [2]

Cris, when you revise your thesis statement, it would be best if you pose the full list of questions that you will be responding to in the research paper. This will help to create a more solid and informed thesis statement and also help to increase the interest of the reader in the paper. If they know what they will be reading about, the more interested they might become to read what you have to say.

The first problem that I caught in your essay is that you do not know how to properly create in text citations. For instance, you cannot use a whole quote as a paragraph in your essay. You must either paraphrase it with proper citations or create your own paragraph of understanding with reference to the source. You cannot simply paste a whole quote with the citation at the end of it.

Next, the paragraphs run too long. You need to figure out at which parts you are discussing a new topic that, although related to the previous discussion in the paragraph, should be given its own paragraph in order to cut the discussion and avoid reading fatigue with the reader. You have at least 2 paragraphs that need to be edited in this case.

Overall though, you have chosen a very interesting topic for discussion and your information is quite accurate since it is based on authoritative sources. You just need to consider making the adjustments that I am suggesting in order to improve the content and format.

Undergraduate / Colorado College - Supplemental Essay: Why do you want to attend? [3]

Chantal, could you revise the beginning of your essay a bit so that it doesn't sound so much like you actually just picked the college off the internet? In all college applications, a sense of personal discovery and interest, usually not related to a Google search often works to the benefit of the student. You can still use the reference to the article you found online but, I would suggest that you say something along the lines of "I first heard about Colorado College from my other classmates who were discussing nature based education in college." or something along those lines. That way, it will appear that your interest in the university came from an exchange of knowledge which led to the internet search. Instead of simply saying you searched for the university online. That sounds so cold and technical. Somehow, colleges and universities still look for some sort of personal or intellectual connection with the school and their educational programs. Referrals from others are often appreciated.

Undergraduate / If I had a ticket to anywhere, anywhere I'd like, I'd travel overseas to Syria. Essay topic C 2017 [3]

Abby, Here is a tip. When you write this essay, stick to only one country. That is because the premise of the prompt is that you have only one ticket. Therefore, you can only go to one place, not multiple places. when you develop your response, always develop it in the voice that the essay requires. So, I realize that you want to become a pediatric nurse practitioner. While it seems to be relevant to the essay, it would be best to try and present a different aspect of your personality in this story. You have enough prompts that ask you explain why you want to become a nurse practitioner, this time, try to think outside the box and present a unique idea as to why you want to go to Syria.

If you review the other essays that respond to this prompt in this forum, you will notice that the responses are sincere but unique. The most successful versions of this essay are usually dynamic and imaginative in response and displays the "other side" of the student. Usually, the response isn't alongside his chosen major. That is because this is an open topic essay that allows the applicant to relax in writing his response, allowing him to show his lighter side as an person.

Writing Feedback / Sources of person's understanding; the comparison of knowledge based on the gaining process [6]

For your Task Achievement, I believe you would get a 4 because you failed to indicate / restate the quote that was part of the prompt you are being asked to respond to. Keep in mind that in your first sentence, you already indicated that there was an opinion you wanted to discuss / refer to. A complete overview paragraph would have included the quote itself since that is the basis of the essay. You also failed to present a completely developed personal opinion within the essay paragraphs. So, you did not really cover all key features as required.

For the coherence and cohesion part, I think a 6 is in order because there is an understandable progression of your discussion and it shows that you analyzed the best way to discuss the topic provided. However, you need to work on the cohesion of your sentences within the paragraphs. It seems to try to discuss too many subtopics within a topic based paragraph.

When it comes to the lexical source, I feel that a 4 is in order. This is through no fault of yours. It is just that your limited vocabulary is evident in the essay as there is a lack of higher vocabulary representation in the essay. Don't worry though. That is not something that can be achieved overnight. You should work on widening your vocabulary over the coming days. Just make sure you are well read in the English language and you should be well on your way to doing that.

Now, for grammatical range and accuracy, it's a definite 5. Luckily, the errors did not stress me out as a reader too much and I could easily figure out what the sentence structure you were using was actually trying to say.

I hope my detailed ratings help you concentrate on your problem points.

Writing Feedback / ARTICLE SUMMARY - Obama Congratulates Trump [2]

Sman, you misunderstood the reason for President Obama's invitation to Donald Trump to join him for breakfast at the White House. Yes, your information is lacking pertinent data so I decided to point that out to you. Now, to point out a mistake in your summary, he invited President - elect Trump to the White House, not to turn over the presidency, that doesn't happen until January 20, 2017, but rather, just to discuss publicly undisclosed information. Also, you need to capitalize the words "Democrat" and "Republican" because you are referring to the political parties in the American 2 party system. Those words are proper nouns and should be written following the rules for proper nouns.