Undergraduate / George Washington Transfer Application: President in the Making! [3]

When you said this would be "rough," I envisioned something a lot worse than what I just read. I think it's beautifully written, and will definitely reflect you very well to admissions officers. Best of luck!

Essays / consider the poems " contemplation upon flowers" and "to an athlete dying young" [4]

Structure refers to the way the author writes his sentences or formats the poem. Having fragments conveys something different than long rambling sentences. Structure can include repetition of words, phrases, or lines. The way stanzas are formatted (a certain number of lines, different sized stanzas) is also included in structure, as is the way the author chooses to make his lines short or long, or cut off lines in certain spots.

Essays / How to write "essay of my choice" ? Need advice! [6]

Every academic essay should have some kind of introductory paragraph where you explain what you are going to write about and give some background information on your topic. Then you have body paragraphs where you elaborate on your topic. You finish with a conclusion, which basically sums up what you have written.

I don't know what essay books you've been reading, but it's very strange to write an essay about the title of your essay. If your title is "The Use of Hospital Data to Reduce Morbidity and Mortality," then your essay is about the use of hospital data to reduce morbidity and mortality. So, you could use your introductory paragraph to define morbidity and mortality, as hexxcoat said. Maybe open with a couple-of-sentence-story about someone who got sick or died because of problems with hospital data to make readers interested and sort of explain why this topic is so important. Then explain what topics you are going to cover in one sentence (at most) per topic.

The rest of your essay will be broken up into sub-topics. There are many things you write about contained under the title: The Use of Hospital Data to Reduce Morbidity and Mortality. How do different hospitals organize their data? Are there some that don't record data at all? How often do mistakes occur, and why do they occur? What happens to the patients when these kinds of mistakes occur? What kinds of diseases could be contagious or deadly if treated the wrong way?

Whatever questions you choose to answer (you should have at least three, depending on how much you want to write about each topic), you'll need to do some research. You can quote websites or books in your essay, but you'll need to cite them parenthetically (if you don't know how, you can go to owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/2/, but you should find out whether your teacher wants your essay in APA or MLA format, or some other format). If you don't want to try and figure that out, just make sure to put anything you get from another source into your own words.

So...

Intro - Opening that engages the reader, define your major terms in the title, state what topics you are going to talk about

Body #1

Body #2

Body #3

...However many paragraphs you're going to have

Conclusion - Summarize what you said (one sentence per topic, a little more specific than what you stated in your intro), Re-emphasize why this is an important topic

Undergraduate / You can expect me to be studying hard in the room; Stanford roommate essay prompt [4]

Haha, it was my pleasure. Best of luck!

Letters / Obtaining a degree in Political Science and Public Administration; Letter of Intent [3]

Your LoI doesn't have to be so limited. Along with why you are interested in the major, you should also tell readers about you. So you should start with where you're from, how you became interested in what you're planning to study or the job you want to have, and any achievements, extracurricular activities, courses, or experiences that relate to your intended field of study. Then highlight why you would be a good candidate for studying this subject and what you intend to do with the education you receive.

Also, you don't need to ask them for admission; the job of admissions' officers is to read your essay and consider you for admission regardless of whether or not you ask them to. Extra requests in your essay will only waste space.

Undergraduate / You can expect me to be studying hard in the room; Stanford roommate essay prompt [4]

I think your attempts to seem a little reserved work in your favor, and I can also see your sense of humor in what you're writing. So overall, good job!

Dear Future Roommate,

Undergraduate / Turning point of my life began with my interest in Journalism U of A PS [5]

You could give it a kind of article-y feel, like you're doing a report on yourself (keep it formatted like an essay, though; no gimmicks!) If you do mention your grades, which you should (especially if you want to show that you've been working hard to improve them because of a changed mindset, or if something happened to make you lose your focus), do it in the context of "This happened, but I learned from it and am moving on." I like the idea of you showing your growth by describing how you started off in a fairly humble position and worked your way up to editor-in-chief. Describe how each position was different and what you learned from them.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / The moving image ; Emerson C- What influenced you to select your major? [4]

You write very well and put a nice spin on fairly bland prompt. No major complaints! Best of luck.

Undergraduate / We had a hard life; Cal Summer Experience [7]

temptprovidence

Proficient means more that you are talented at something, like better than average, while sufficient means that you are barely good enough. You generally use proficient when describing people, in the form of "He is proficient in math," or "She is a proficient swimmer."

You generally use sufficient when talking about something other than people, like "Three pages is sufficient for this assignment," or "In sufficient amounts, this gas is toxic." However, you can also say a person is sufficient.

Undergraduate / Knowledge, responsibility, respect, passion & a desire makes good Physician Assistant [4]

Grammar-wise, I have few issues. You're a very good writer. As for content, I know that you don't think your life is incredibly compelling, but don't use that as an excuse to write a vague or generic essay. You're trying to emphasize how much you want to be a physician's assistant, but you come across as a little fake because I don't really learn anything about your personality or your life from your statement.

You said yourself that a lot of people will write about their willingness to help others, and they'll also write about a passion for learning and a willingness to take on challenges. Expand on your unique talents, beliefs, experiences. Write about what you did in Mexico, or the kinds of patients you've met in your jobs, and how those experiences taught you something that you will use in a career. Tell me why you want to become a physician's assistant of all things, how you found out about that career and fell in love with it. Tell readers the story of you!

Undergraduate / Tennis powerhouse ; Ivy League material/ Place or Environment [9]

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

I agree that your essay is extremely well-written. I also agree that your essay emits an off-putting undertone of arrogance. You could very well be matched with applicants writing about how they feel content in the hospital rooms of dying children as they sing to them, giving them and their families some peace and happiness the final moments of those childrens' lives. Meanwhile, you're implying that you feel content competing against others and beating them with your on-point accuracy.

You don't have to lie about the incident or change it; just change the focus. Write about how you feel content playing tennis. Or use the beginning to write about how you were initially nervous (even if you weren't) about facing a player with such a reputation of excellence. And then write about how you ended up realizing that you are content with being challenged and facing others who are better than you, because that brings out the best in you. Then you get your win and your humility.

Best of luck!

Scholarship / Help Children; QUESTBRIDGE C Prep SCHOLARSHIP/ Why Medicine? [3]

Grammar-wise, I have very few complaints, as you can see. But shack555 is right about your apparent lack of passion. Tell me a story; what experiences, beliefs, hobbies, or talents have shaped your desire to become a doctor? Saying you love learning and want to help people are definitely true and good for becoming a doctor, but also for many other jobs, and they're a little cliched.

Undergraduate / Thesis statement for the topic - Should students work part time during college days? [3]

I believe that working part-time during college has more negative effects on students for several reasons.

It is argued that working part-time is one of the best ways for college students to get useful experience and make some money without their parents' providing it . However, a part-time job can be the cause of some problems for learners who dedicating their time and energy for their job. Because of the poor conditions in some jobs, students can be injured or meet accidents during their working projects. This one the reason why college students should consider the risks of their decision carefully before working part-time .

Undergraduate / "Education is a social process; Education is growth" - UT / Personal Essay [4]

This is a well-written essay, but content-wise, I have some issues with it.

A. The prompt says "Choose an issue of importance to you." I don't think you can categorize education as an issue; maybe if you talked about how students in your school don't think their education is important, or the declining number of people pursuing a higher education (IDK if that is true or not). An issue is something you can resolve, and you should also write about how you are trying to resolve your issue, or how you hope to resolve your issue in the future.

And B. You spend a lot of your essay defining education, and not enough talking about you and your life.

"Education is a social process. Education is growth. Education is, not a preparation for life; education is life itself." - John Dewey

Undergraduate / CURIOSITY has been the cornerstone of man's evolution; SOP - Automobile Engineering [2]

Much improved! Because your SOP is so long as it is, I would suggest not adding anything else. Besides, I think your intro and conclusion look OK; I think it's always a good idea to start and end with what you are pursuing. Just fix these last little things (a lot of them were errors on my part), and just make sure there isn't a word limit on your prompt :P

Undergraduate / UCF's Famous "bump in the road" Essay [3]

Your story gave me chills, and you write very well. There are some things I would add to make your story a little clearer, though.

I think you could explain more how your father's abuse was an obstacle for you, and how you learned to adapt to life without him, and what you've learned from your mother that you will take with you to college and beyond.

Undergraduate / A troubled teenager; Person who had an impact on my life [5]

I like your story, but I feel like you're kind of scraping at the surface of this prompt. Most parents impact their children and teach them things, work hard to provide for them, etc. Could you recall a specific instance where your mother helped you with something or made you rethink something, or changed your perspective on something in a way that shaped who you are today?

Undergraduate / "Why haven't we gone to Japan?"; ADMISSIONS PAPER FOR STUDY ABROAD IN JAPAN. [3]

I don't know if you already submitted this, but these are just a few stylistic things. Content-wise I have no complaints. You come across as very driven and determined, as well as independent and good at getting things done. Obviously, one would have to look at academic credentials and things like that to determine how likely you are to get into the program, but based on this essay, I'd admit you, although you might want to talk about how you would use what you learned abroad to benefit your community.

Undergraduate / FUTURE OF CHINA'S ECONOMY; TRANSFER [7]

It looks good to me. You should just elaborate more on why you are so interested in this new field of study, and what you hope to accomplish at a new school.

Undergraduate / "My parents instilled the idea of open mindedness" ;Transfer Reasons & Objectives [2]

I like your last paragraph a lot! Overall, I think your essay looks really good. Maybe for a nice conclusion you could move this sentence:


to the end and add something like, "I cannot think of a better place to begin my adventures than [name of college]." to wrap it up.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Large class sizes & rare relationships / TRANSFER Objectives [6]

I like it! Your writing style manages to be both engaging and eloquent; it sounds very natural. The only thing I would suggest is getting more specific in your final paragraph. Why do you want to go to this college? What courses, activities, and opportunities does it offer that you are interested in, and how do you know that this one will offer you a genuine college experience?

Undergraduate / I want to go further- What inspired you to study @U Toronto [4]

You mean what I think of your essay overall? Overall, I think it's a solid essay that's really clear and well-written, but you need to be more specific about what made you want to become an engineer and why you want to go to the University of Toronto.

Undergraduate / my journey to happiness ; VCU PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

You write very well, but the essay asks you to write about yourself. All I've learned about you after reading this essay is that you really want to go to VCU, and that you were once extremely insecure but managed to find the confidence to pursue your dreams. That's good, but I don't know what you want to major in at VCU or what you want to be when you grow up or what clubs you would be interested in joining. I think you should still include more about why you want to go to VCU,

Undergraduate / "INFLUENCING PEOPLE WITH MY QUIRKY, CREATIVE IDEAS"/ Statement of Purpose/UTEXAS [3]

The advertising program at University of Texas is widely recognized and highly esteemed . However, I do not admire the program because of its ranking or number of alumni and faculty that have received ADDYs and Art Director Club cubes butadmire the program mainly because its faculty has positively influenced the world with their creativity . I would like to learn from their experiences while creating my own. I want to transfer to the University of Austin's advertising program because I will not be given a strict path to follow;instead, I will have numerous enhancement programs and a plethora of electives to equip me with the knowledge to becoming an exceptional creative director. Becoming a Longhorn and being a part of the university's advertising program will help me execute the ideas in my "One Of These Days" composition notebook.I look forward to the University of Texasenabling me to yell "Eureka!" as it leads me to the best ways to influence people with my ideas.

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

With two jobs and a full academic schedule to provide for my family,

Working two jobs to support my family, as well having as a full academic schedule,

A lesson that has always stuck to me was that, to have the courage to continue when you think you have nothing left, will determine who you will become.

A lesson that has always stuck with me was that having the courage to continue, even when you think you have nothing left, will determine who you become.

Looks good otherwise!

Book Reports / Critical Analysis about Family Dynamics in "the Metamorphosis" [7]

Then since your time is limited (Sorry that this is so late, by the way), I would just adjust the first two paragraphs and make sure you state somewhere in your essay what your definitions of "human" and "insect" are. Are you saying that the family is acting like insects because they are using him and feeding off of him like insects do? Or are you saying that they are like insects because they don't care about him? I think once you do that, your other paragraphs will be OK.

Undergraduate / My friend Roberto & his sense of humor; DESCRIBE A PERSON [3]

Roberto and I have been close friends for over five years. Physically, he is slim and of average height, though he is tall compared to me. He has light brown eyes, short and straight hair, fair skin, and thin lips. He also has an ear piercing, a nose piercing, and a tattoo that quotes his favorite song. What I love most about Roberto is his sense of humor. He's a very positive and optimistic person. He's sociable, amusing, lively, and always displays a great attitude. He constantly brings out the best in me by being positive and cheerful. Overall, we share many hobbies and opinions, which is why we remain very close friends. In fact, he can always tell that I'm lying even if I keep a straight face! I don't know how he does it, but I'm never bored when I spend time with him. Altogether, I'm very lucky to have a friend like Roberto. I hope life never separates us.

Very good!

Book Reports / Critical Analysis about Family Dynamics in "the Metamorphosis" [7]

Gregor Samsa, the protagonist of the story, is a responsible and hard-working young man. His appearance as a large dung beetle does not diminish his internal human conscience;. Although he has transformed into an insect, he still retains humanity.he can still think and talk. To readers' surprise, when he realizes that he has transformed in to an insect, he feels calm and does not look for ways to fix this problem. He never complains about his misfortune and still wants to go back to his job as a traveling salesman position, pays his father's debt, and his role as the bread-winner for his family.

From here on, you go into this long summary of the whole story. If this is a critical analysis, you should only focus on the parts of the story that show Gregor's relationship with his family, then explain how they support the statement that Gregor is a human in an insect's disguise. Remember, even though you want to show that Gregor is generally still a human, your entire essay is about family dynamics. So you want to make the claim that Gregor is a human because he is capable of love and is selflessly thinking of his family.

Undergraduate / I hope to refine my Italian; Portland- Lewis&Clark TRANSFER [3]

How did you first learn about Lewis & Clark?

During the summer, I watched a short documentary on Portland and was immediately attracted to the culture of the city-Voodoo's Doughnut shop, the Portland Art Museum, and the Rose Garden. I decided to look into schools in the area. Through an online search, I took an immediate interest in Lewis & Clark College.

Good! Although I don't really think they'll be ranking this one...

In approximately 250 words, please provide a statement reflecting on your interest in enrolling in Lewis and Clark College.

Hidden among the green trees and brick architecture, sitting in Portland's southwest hills, my dream school awaits me: Lewis & Clark College. The charming and beautiful scenery remains inconsequential compared to the number of reasons that motivate me to attend L&C.(The fact that you mentioned its scenery says that it does matter to you, and your other reasons show that the scenery isn't your only reason for going, so you don't really need this sentence.) After transitioning from a small high school to a large university, I knew that I wanted to be part of a small community once again. I was immediately drawn to small L&C because of its size, its emphasis on creative application, and its overseas opportunities. Attending a project-based high school taught me to constantly ask, "How can I apply this ____ to the real world?" (Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. Did the high school's approach to learning teach you to think about how knowledge could be applied to the real world, or were you dissatisfied with the fact that your school's curriculum didn't apply to the real world?) I value L&C's liberal arts curriculum because it embodies what I envision in my dream college: an education that connects theoretical knowledge with hands-on application (There's a difference between a liberal arts curriculum, which just strives to teach you many subjects, and an emphasis on hands-on application.) . Embodying this principle , I hope to refine my Italian and apply my knowledge of the language through the study-abroad program. I hope to achieve a well-rounded education that allows me to explore interests aside from my major. I hope to represent myself with an education from L&C.(This last sentence sounds a little strange to me.)

I like it, but I think you could elaborate more on specific courses that you are interested in, or activities that you would like to join. Explain also why you want a small community?

Undergraduate / Want to make a difference in the World; Why am I the perfect candidate? [3]

I would suggest that you start this essay with a description of your reaction when you heard that your father had diabetes or your uncle had Parkinson's, and how the diseases changed their lives and made you want to become a researcher. Then explain that you want to join the program to cure people suffering from diseases.

(Keep in mind, though, that if the program you are applying to is medicine-related, then probably every student applying wants to help people suffering from diseases.)

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

It was my pleasure :D

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

I think that instead of creating an elaborate explanation or metaphor for what you're trying to say, you should write the essay around an experience that shows that you are one of the three things. But I do like the idea of changing "move" to mean that you are pursuing your maximum potential instead of the cliched "move" of impacting other people.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

Hmm... Maybe you should just write that you are immovable then, and discuss how to move others, you have to be a thinker first, and how "thinker" is what you primarily define yourself as. Paradoxically, being immovable in your thoughts and goals is the best way to move others; that's a more direct way of saying it.

Hope that was helpful; I don't think you should abandon your idea unless you really want to.

Undergraduate / Meaningful Coincidences, Steve Jobs Connecting the Dot NUS Essay [3]

The prompt asks you for an experience or activity that you do which is related to Psychology, not necessarily how you became interested in pursuing Psychology. The college admissions officers want to know why you want to study it and know that you are committed to your intended major. I would suggest focusing on your Integrated Facility Management experience or your overseas work attachment and describe how that made you more passionate about Psychology.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

I'm kind of on the fence about your approach. On one hand, it's cool that you connected the three classes to thoughts, words, and actions. But then you talk about how it is important to develop your thoughts before you act. But while people's thoughts should be immovable, or people who are immovable only think and never act, whether or not you think before you act does not actually have anything to do with being a person who moves. So spending your essay talking about that is a little confusing to me.

Undergraduate / I maintain all As & in the top 10; Earlham C- Why I'm academically prepared! [3]

I maintain almost all A's and rank in the top ten at my school. In this current school year, I have also devoted a lot of time to extracurricular activities, clubs, volunteering, and teaching. I have demonstrated an ability to perform competently during classroom activities and lectures. although, I believe that I did not perform not even close to my utmost ability, however,because I feel that I was not challenged to perform to my fullest capacity; I seek to attend Earlham College because I believe that it will challenge me. .

Overall, you did a good job of answering the prompt. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

I really like your first two paragraphs; it's just a matter of reducing the extra descriptions.

Amazing essay, powerful story; I hope you get in wherever you're seeking to go.

Undergraduate / Tastes/ Languages/ Religions; Summer Internship - Diversity; Interests/ Background [3]

You're kind of skimming over the surface of "diversity" here. I think a lot of students at the college you're applying to are equally curious, interested in other cultures, and like trying new things. I would recommend picking one thing and really explaining how it shaped what you think is important, what you want to do with your life, or what you're good at so that colleges will know that you aren't just going to spend your four years either in a classroom or in your dorm room.

Undergraduate / My life time goal has always been to own a restaurant; GOALS (350 Words) [3]

You should also elaborate on why owning a restaurant is your dream in the first place.

Undergraduate / I wasn't a strong testtaker; PERSONAL INFO, HARDSHIPS / CHALLENGES / OPPORTUNITIES [4]

I like it better under Topic A because Topic C asks you to relate your hardships to thins like "abilities," "academic credentials," and "achievements or talents." However, to make Topic C work, you need to elaborate more on your past relationship with your mother and write about how she influenced who you are and what you want to do in the future.)