Writing Feedback / My family - relationships with dad, grandma, aunt. [6]

Hello Askal, I needed to move this to a new thread. Please start a new thread for every essay.

This has a lot of grammar errors! That's okay, though, because you can correct every error. You MUST type this again 10 times after I make these corrections. That is my opinion. I know it is tedious, but if you type each sentence 10 times I think you will remember the correct grammar. Also, you have to say each sentence while you type it. That is the only way.

When I was l little I grew up with my grandma. I wish she was still alive and that I could continue to live with her. She is sweet and wonderful. I had a dream that was very vivid dream, one that I shall never forget. Even though it's been almost 20 years, I still remember clearly and it feels like it was yesterday. The dream was about my grandmother.

My grandma and I were very close each other, because when my mother left me with my dad and dad could not provide for me because he want to live in a different country to work. and help me and my grandma it means dad said. Wherever grandma went I was right by her side just like a puppy on a dog leash.----I like this sentence! Very good writing here...

When I was 5 or 6, my grandma died. I miss her. After a while I moved in with my aunt because no one was helping me at home. When I was with my aunt I wasn't that comfortable. Actually my aunt is very nice, and especially her husband is very nice, and he helped me a lot with school and learning how to manage myself. When I was 16 I moved to Kenya, and when I was 17 I moved to USA. Now I'm trying to go EWU.

Practice 10 times, even if it takes all day! :-)

Writing Feedback / Spending life time in a changing manner. IELTS Task 2 [2]

I was just thinking about this. In the past week, I traveled to visit 5 different places. I constantly change my environment, and I get very restless if I just stay in the town where I live...

Here are a few small ways to improve it... though it does not even need improvement. These are minor:
It is tiring to meet the same people every day and go to the same way to reach in your workplace, or give the same salary, either. The kind of life that you have can also influence your performance and have effect on your abilities. -----every day is 2 words when you use it this way. As one word, it is an adjective and must modify a noun. Also, I crossed out some unnecessary words in that other sentence.

Great thread! Thank you...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -the way a person dressed is a good indication of personality? [4]

Yeah, maybe it is poor, but you are smart! Lots of people in the 21st century are bilingual, and they speak with imperfect grammar in various languages. You are a perfect 21st century scholar, improving gradually. So, enjoy all of it! I'm glad you are practicing with us.

Graduate / "perseverance and motivation" - SOP in Industrial Engineering for review [11]


Hi Mike, well you know the saying: "Presentation is everything."
It's good that in your own perception your ideas are not yet well-developed. A serious scholar might always feel that way despite going deep into the study of various topics. But you can PRESENT yourself to this person (whose job is to accept of reject you) in a way that makes her say to herself, "Wow, I am surprised at how sophisticated and well-developed his interests are! He must spend a lot of time reading... I could not possibly reject this student."

Purpose of Graduate Study, xxxxx University, Career Goals---I think this section is awesome. I would get rid of that word "primarily," because it is like the kid that always tries to be the best at everything, and he jumps into situations where he does not belong, ruining sentences.

My general research interests are in the application of Operations Research and Statistical techniques in such areas as transportation, supply chain, marketing analytics, and healthcare. (Add a sentence here to make this list meaningful. What is the connecting link, the theme, the way they reflect what you are all about in the mind of the reader?)

In the healthcare realm, discrete event...

Those are just some small ideas... it is already so good!

One grammar correction I did not see before:
I had have worked in the applied operations research area earlier in my career.---Had is not correct here.

And yes, please do give other people your ideas whenever you have time! They can learn a lot from you. Most writers at EssayForum are not strong communicators like you...

Essays / Introduction for a 6000-word essay. How many words? [10]

I think 300 words is usually about a page if you use 12pt font and 1 inch margins all the way around.

I think of 6000 words as 20 pages.

How long should the intro be? It depends on how many sentences are necessary to intrigue the reader and introduce the main idea.

Just forget about it for now. Write the intro after you have written all the body paragraphs. Just grab an article and start writing about it. Write about a lot of articles, and then look at it. You'll see what it is and know how to introduce it.

Maybe the intro will be 200 words. Maybe 250... just make sure it's beautiful. :-)

Graduate / "a contribution to society" - Physician Assistant Application - Personal Statement [4]

Wow, Spencer, that is one great paragraph... the intro, I mean. The last part of the last sentence could be expressed in a better way, I guess, but what great paragraph that is. How about doing this a little differently:

Every time I walked into the room, I could tell this was a wonderful man trapped in his own body. After this hospital internship as a junior in high school, I knew I wanted to be in health care. I crossed out the boring part! :-)

End that paragraph with a bang... with imagery words and action verbs.

You have a great writing style. One weird quirk I have is that I think it is better not to capitalize physician's assistant... I don't even know how to explain why. It seems better not to capitalize, though I know many people would disagree with me.

I believe being a Physician Assistant goes beyond simply treating symptoms to a deeper level of understanding, knowledge and a willingness to learn. -----And here is the only other part I don't like. I mean, I like all of it -- you really are talented in writing... but this part is sort of meaningless. I mean, it is obvious. Hit the reader with an idea that is more poignant and memorable.

Undergraduate / Passion for Economics in Agriculture [3]

Let's look for some errors...

Growing up with a family-operated restaurant, I helped run the business while applying several strategies from the Small Business Administration I don't know what this means... can you be specific about the strategies?

...and analyzing how surroundings affect the restaurant's customers and profits.---excellent

Well, I agree with Jesus... it's a strong second paragraph. How about taking out this part:
While expanding the horizons of my business experiences, I have developed a passion for economics and business. If you get rid of that, you can replace it with some sentences that really express the main idea you want the reader to associated with you... the main idea you want the reader to remember.

Scholarship / Difference between "Personal Statement" and "Research Objective" [4]


It is repetitive, and there is overlap, but do you know they are asking for a story? A narrative is a story. So... in the first one you can explain your well-developed plan in a clear, professional way, and then in the second one tell the story about your experience.

I think you are right. It really does seem repetitive. Just do your best with it! It is an important enough subject for you to spend some time explaining in 2 different ways.

:-) Does that help you?

Writing Feedback / Write a two paragraphs, each describing a city in Syria. Then compare them. [3]


I don't know if "eating-lover" would be right. I don't really like it. Actually, I like that sentence the way it is. But Cutie did a GREAT edit!! Do you have any questions about the edit?

Oh, also, I think historic is okay. Google historic and historical to see the difference.

However each of which them has something special that makes it distinctive from the other.

:-)

Great job! Practice typing these corrected sentences so you can learn the grammar as cutie taught you.

Writing Feedback / We all want to make big diffirences in our life, -Education [6]

Oh, very nice job, Salt. That looks like it took a long time. :-)

I'll help a little, too... be sure to capitalize the first word of every sentence!

As the speaker said in the statement, we all want to make big diffirences in our lives, and empowering us to succeed is the purpose of education.

But the real problem is about how to define success and how the educational institutions can know in which fields a student will be most likely to succeed. So in my view, I do not agree with the claim for the following reasons.

Because of my perspective on success, I think the most significant factor is that it is interesting.---this is a very strong argument! I think you are right.

Scholarship / "A student who is literate and educated: biotechnology" - why I deserve scholarship? [4]

Yes, let's simplify a little...

One of the most essential issues for students today relates to "Scholarship". Because every student wishes to get education freely, reason of not having much money. The reader knows this. It's too obvious.

This is a nice way to start the essay:
Like many other graduating high school students, I have come to the most important decision in my life which every person must make throughout her life in order to guide her actions and control her future. And My determination was to get a scholarship, because I will use my studies to help people by sharing my knowledge and skills with others to develop Mongolian medicine, industry and agriculture. (I think you should add a sentence right here to tell what your specialization will be: what will your specialization be in the field of bio?)

Be very specific. Remember, you only deserve the scholarship if you have made a plan and if you are working toward a goal.

Do NOT include any "statement of the obvious." Google that term if you are not sure what it is.
This is a statement of the obvious:
Scholarship is for anybody not only who has a high quality of knowledge but also needs some financial aid to afford a good education.
Start that paragraph this way:
My family's resources are limited but ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE issue topic---faculty should spend time working outside the academic world [3]

This is a very good essay, Xu! You make a strong argument. Truly, educators should be held to a very high standard and then compensated accordingly.

Let's look at a few weird sentences:
They can talk about how the knowledge sticked on available in the text-book can be applied into real world.

... just appears on the paper when students take the exam, and it seems the knowledge has nothing to do with real life.----Notice all the changed I made here.

Faculty members who spend time outside the academic world really help in this way.

No need for 'ever' here: Faculty who have ever worked outside the academic world can help their students outperform others in the job market.

this information, not these information.
and working as a professional is a good way to acquire this useful information.

Use this term: faculty members
In sum, for engineering courses, or medical courses, faculty members should participate in...

:-)

Graduate / "program with a concentration in nonprofit" - MBA admissions essay - Needing help [5]

I don't really know how to explain why it is important here, but... I think but is better than yet:
There was so much work to be finished and work continued to stack up, but I wanted more. I was in my realm.------That is a really cool first paragraph! I just changed that word "yet." Yet is trying to hard, but but is just being himself.

I didn't know what I wanted in life needless to say; I had no idea where I would go. I don't think this part is good. Follow the rule: with every part of the essay show that you are completely inspired, completely driven. Do not do anything to let them think you were aimless... that is the way to succeed with essays like this. Show that you are on a mission and they will not want to stand in the way.

I never knew how creative I could be until it was my turn to solve problems. I loved the pressure, the timelines and the results. ----very cool! I think the reader is going to appreciate this theme.

Being an adult, my criteria for seeking a college was a bit different than the norm... Can you condense all of this and say it in about 50% of the number of words? When giving info, that is just causing the reader to have to work, so be quick about it.

This sentence is awesome: Imagine my excitement when I realized it was offered online.
You have a great writing style. I just think you should look at every paragraph and see if some of the explanation can be condensed into half the words. That process is like forging a blade. You add pressure and intensity. :-)

Research Papers / Mid-Term exam - three various charts. How to prepare? [2]


Hello friend, welcome to Essayforum.
I think I am a day too late, and you already took your exam. How did it go?

Let's examine these words: Three charts will be given, and you'll get to read about them too. Then, they want you to write an introduction and a few body paragraphs?

Write the body paragraphs first. Just write something about what you learn from one of the charts.
Do that a few times, and you will have a few body paragraphs. Read them and ask yourself, WHAT IS THE THEME THAT THESE PARAGRAPHS HAVE IN COMMON?

When you know that theme, go back and write the introduction section.

:-)

Writing Feedback / In some countries the youth have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure [6]


Hi Neeta! :-)

No, you cannot write about the advantages and disadvantages, because you have to write an answer to their question.

Give one paragraph about the causes. Give another paragraph about solutions. Then, go back to the top of the page and add an introduction paragraph. Then, go to the end and write a conclusion paragraph.

Graduate / "Struggle" -Non Traditional Graduate Student writing a personal statement SLP Program [5]


The most important thing is to use these words. For example, you can begin a paragraph by saying:
I developed my critical thinking skills when I ...

Start another paragraph by saying:
My professional experience includes __________, ________, and _______________.

Do you see what I mean? use the same words they used, and that will ensure that they notice that you are answering correctly.

I think you did cover these, but you should SHOW the reader that you covered all of them. For example, use the term "oral communication" in your essay. Use the term "written communication" in your essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Educational institutions do not mean we can be deprived of what we insist [8]


Yes...
In this case, it is obvious that ...

I am afraid I crossed out the wrong word! I made a mistake, and maybe it confused you.

You can use "then" like "therefore."

Both of these are correct:
I made a mistake in my correction. Therefore, maybe you were confused about the correct way to write the sentence.
I made a mistake in my correction. Maybe you were confused, then, about the correct way to write the sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS (task 2) A year break for traveling or work before joining university. [2]

The VERB is "identify."
It also helps them to identify the right program at the university which eventually will open a gateway to new job opportunities that were unknown to us earlier.

Where as, Additionally, many of them get chances to save...

...they become more confident, knowledgeable, decisive, and productive.

Young minds, which were confused earlier, get a chances to identity the right program before joining university and to prepare a financial budget to bear the burden of the tuition fee and other expenses during their stay at university.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -the way a person dressed is a good indication of personality? [4]


I think it is easy to understand your meaning, even though you have a lot of grammar errors.

For example...
First of all, it is the way person dressed dresses that functions as an indicator about one's character.

You should use "female"as an adjective:
A girl female student who majors in literature may wear suit and high heels, whereas girl who majors in the science department wears blue jeans and sneakers. That is, maybe students who are busy ...

Again, same correction here:
In addition, it is the way person dresses that functions as an indicator about one's personality.

In a nutshell, while some people think that it is no use for recognizing people form the way to judge people's character by the way they dress, I think differently.

:-) You are doing quite well! I can tell thatif you practice typing each sentence correctly 10 times you will learn the correct grammar.

Graduate / "perseverance and motivation" - SOP in Industrial Engineering for review [11]


Yes, it's always good to use an example instead of making an unsubstantiated claim. But in addition to that, how about an interesting concept? Where does the perseverance come from? Can you explain your relationship to programming in a way that will make the reader think of something she may have never considered? That is the key. Interest the reader with your unique concept.


Yeah, you might have other parts of the application that cover specialized interests, etc., so try not to be redundant. The point I wanted to make was that you can show that instead of having GENERAL interests you have sophisticated, well-developed interests. That shows that you are different from the average student.

Book Reports / A Thousand of splendid Sun, the complex novel [4]

Fitri and Wei-Sin, you have started a great thread about a great book. So, Fitri, are you required to write a poem about the book?

I see that you have grammar errors, so I'll correct them here:
I just finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns yesterday.
I think the novel was so complex. It was not only about women but also about war.

It is about how the war affects human life for women and children especially.

War makes children lose their parents. There are no homes for them. They lose their lives.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What was your biggest challenge adjusting to college like as a freshman? [3]

Well, I certainly do! We need lots of help to make sure everyone improves their skill!
:-)

As a freshman at Syracuse University, my biggest challenge has been adjusting to the work load. College is about learning, growing as an individual, making friend's, etc. ----I made a small change here. You should not put a period next to a comma...and also, I had to end the first sentence.

Use "each" here:
My counselor always told me in college I had to dedicate a minimum of 3 hours of studying for every class each week.

I've learn this year, how to manage my time wisely, making time for both fun and work.-----This is a very good sentence. :-)

Nice job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-the search for alternative energy cause environmental damage.Agree or disagree? [6]

The development of the world depends upon the usage of natural resourses.

The main drawbacks of this sources are the excess usage of land scapes.It destros the beauty and equilibrium of the nature.----Use a spell checker to improve your spelling. Also, when you write this sentence you should name the specific sources of energy. Are you talking about windmills? Solar panels?

Because of these projects animals loose lose their shelters.----Look at all the changes I made here.

That adversly effect affects its existence.

Capitalize the first word of every sentence.

The burning releases...
For instance,burnig of waste materials to create energy releases toxic gases into the environment.

Because of the reasons mentoned above i agree with the latter statement.---I think you should write this sentence in a different way. Do not say you agree with the latter statement. Say your opinion clearly.

:-)

Please practice all these corrections! You need to work on your grammar. The meaning is very clear, though, and you write effectively. You just have a lot of grammar errors, and you need a lot of REPETITION to learn to type with correct grammar.

Writing Feedback / 'cocoon to become a silk' - The life cycle of silkworm. IELTS chart [5]

...part of the silkworm life cycle.----I think this is okay, because you are using "silkworm" as an adjective, just like you are using "life" as an adjective, to describe the noun "cycle"...

however, you could use an apostrophe and s:
silkworm's life cycle.

... by which the micro fibre of the silk, which can vary in length between 300-900 meters, are unwind unwound from the ...

Very good! You don't need much help, English pro!

Undergraduate / "To stay in the community and a higher education for my dream" UC DAVIS Waitlist [6]


I think this kind of sentence is only good if you include some words to make it specific and show that you have a plan for achieving this dream of making a difference. Show that you have specific short-term goals that you will work toward achieving in order to make a real difference.

I'm glad Turbina saw this thread and helped you in time! :-)Thanks Turbina.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) pressure on students good or not? [5]

It is easy to hear that students tend Simplify:
Students complain that the excessive pressure they need to shoulder is entirely beyond their ability. limitation . Even to the college students, the competitive atmosphere become becomes stronger day by day rather than decreasing gradually, since they have been admitted to the prestigious universities.

"none of the"...
This kind of phenomenon can be understandable as none of the parents hope that their

Without the pressure, students might not be able to achieve success, because they will waste their precious time spent on playing as well.

Worse still, a few students lack communicative ability as all their time have been spent in reading books.----I like this idea, but it is a little unclear. "...because all their time has been...

Also... I think you mean to say that they lack interpersonal communication skills because all their time has been spent reading books.

:-)

Writing Feedback / How can we control traffic jams? Flying cars? [3]

Flying cars, good idea!

How can we control traffic jams in today's over populated cities? Sometimes it can take much longer than expected to travel to your destination due to long lines ...

Use "overpopulated" instead of overpopulating-----> ...because of over populating overpopulated cities and more teenagers learning hot how to drive.

Controlling traffic is a very deep matter and will take many years to fix.--I think you used this sentence twice. Only use it once.

Also, you can make your last paragraph a little longer. I think you did a good job expressing the main idea: technology and other innovations will improve the situation.

:-)

Dissertations / Ph.D. topic in Computer Science (working as lecturer) - Image Processing or Neural Networks [11]


Hi Praveen, I do not know about these topics, but I do know about research. With any kind of research you need to READ enough articles to know what is going on in the field. Which of these topics NEEDS questions answered. You have to do some research that will improve people's practice of CS, save money, improve performance, etc.

So, what kinds of research studies have you read? Are you required to conduct original research?

You should go to "google scholar" and search for these 2 terms, one at a time. Read the most recent articles about them, and write a sentence every time you find an interesting piece of information.

This will take a lot of time, but it can be enjoyable if you really are interested.
Please read 5 studies that are interesting to you! That is the way to start.
You can use Google Scholar or your school library database.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:High sales of popular consumer goods and power of advertising [4]

This is a great essay. Thanks, Annika!

I also want to talk ab out the first paragraph. It is unclear. How can we make it clearer? One way is to add another sentence to help explain what you mean.

With improvements in living standards, the volume of consumer goods is increasing considerably. Many people are of the opinion that this increasing volume is the result of advertising technology rather than the real needs of society. I personally against disagree with this idea and think that people really desire to buy more goods nowadays. (Now add one more sentence to explain the same idea in a different way.

When we speak, we often have to explain concepts in more than one way so that our friends understand. This is also important when people write. So... explain your idea in a few different ways. :-)

Writing Feedback / Morality of Vegetarianism Persuasive Essay [4]


This sentence is too complicated with all those commas! :-) I think it's always better to make a sentence that resounds like a bell. I still am not sure what this sentence means... let me think about it... um, the lengths they go to are personal... I don't really know what that means! You are a complex thinker, I think, but others are not, so write with decisive thrusts of a spear:

Regardless, the reasons someone may choose to become a vegetarian, and the lengths someone may go to to follow vegetarianism, I feel, are personal, since consuming meat is not morally wrong. Replace with a sentence that says what you really mean... I think you might be trying to express 2 thoughts at once.

And what do you mean it is not immoral?! I have eaten plenty of meat in my life, so I am not hypocriticizing anyone (made that word up), but it seems pretty clear that eating other animals is immoral for a human. Holy moly, it is like something out of a Tim Burton film.

As humans, we often misinterpret ourselves as seperate from nature because of our intelligence, but we should be doing just the opposite, and acknowledging ourselves as a part of nature more because we have the intelligence to do so. Moreover, this misconception leads us to believe we are above or apart from eating other animals, which is so relevant to nature.-----This is starting to be a good argument. It is natural for animals to eat animals.

But then some would argue that humanity gets to decide how it wants to be. Dogs sniff each others butts, so I guess that is natural, but I am not going to sniff anyone's butt. :-)

Yeah, so your problem is that you try to express more than one thought at once. Do not be in a hurry to express everything. Make it very simple for the reader.

Here:
...and that animals production is being done in a wrong enough manner to become a vegetarian---Do you mean that is it being doing so much damage that we might need to become vegetarians in order to make up for it?

Welcome to EssayForum!

Writing Feedback / The Internet has transformed lives and economies_Essay [8]

Excellent, it sounds funny to say that!
Some people say, "Let's meet here at eight o'clock. In the meantime, I will be working."
They say "meantime" to mean "between now and then."

But in the soon time does not mean anything! :-D

Correct: In the near future, we will act the same way.
Correct: Soon, we will act the same way.

Essays / Explain the nature and constraints of the counselor role within different settings? [2]

Hello hopeless, that is an interesting username! Way to keep a positive attitude! You brightened my day.

Okay, hopeless Simon Brown, what am I looking at here? Is it a list of goals from a class syllabus? These questions are all about a reading. Or maybe they are about more than one reading. You have to LOOK FOR THE KEY WORDS. Look for a section that tells about those settings. Look for a section about "characteristics of the counseling relationship"

One at a time, find all the terms. Find all the key words in the text book.

Are you using a text book?

Undergraduate / A Matter of A Boy and His Head - Columbia Personal Essay [3]

Make this strong by presenting it as a 5 paragraph essay. 100 words per paragraph. They are going to really appreciate it if you give an intro, 3 body paragraphs, and a conclusion. That makes 5 paragraphs.

Each paragraph might have 4-5 sentences. The last sentence of each paragraph might leave an interesting idea lingering in the reader's mind.

Each paragraph expresses one idea, so a 5 paragraph essay will have 3 body paragraphs (three ideas).

A child's thoughts paced through my mind as I stared at these dashes called people and these lines called lives.---I like this part!

I am like forming letters on a paper with a man furiously typing with on his typewriter, hearing the harmonious click of letters as a flow of letters exits his mind.

...as a flow exits...

... trades or Most likely to succeed. -----Don't capitalize "most" right here.

Okay, this is very cool writing, but it is important to use paragraphs to organize it powerfully.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GETTING GOOD GRADES and achieving success in school [3]

Achieving success in school takes more than just intelligence, getting good grates grades, working hard, and following strict guidelines. The reason why I believe this is because when you ...

And look at this correction: chances to success in your exam. chances to succeed in your exam.

Don't capitalize unnecessarily: ...scanning in bold and Italic italic print. Scanning provide us...

By reviewing information, we are able to succeed in retaining information and remembering it later.

It is important to use symbols and abbreviations, and remember to use only one side of the paper. Most importantly, put name of the class and date.

Practice these corrections! :-)

Graduate / Personal Statements for MPH programs (Public Health) [3]


I don't think any of these need to be capitalized. It's better not to capitalize too much... only when absolutely necessary.

This was unacceptable.-----Try this... whenever you write "this" it has to have a noun right after it. You will see that this will make your writing a little more powerful. You will see that this strategy will make your writing a little more powerful.

This situation is unacceptable.

same here:
This confirmed my personal mission of being accepted into an MPH program and that a career in public health was my calling.
This experience confirmed my...

Anyway, this essay is excellent. Don't mess with it too much, or you might mess up some of its energy. It has a nice rhythm.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Raise children in City or Suburbs? [8]

I see that Annika corrected the capitalization at the beginning. The word "childhood" does not need to be capitalized.

No wonder,
Everyone knows that childhood is the most important stage of human's life, especially because this stage has a strong impact which lasts forever. Thus, I personally prefer to raise my children in the city than in the country suburbs. (Add a sentence here to explain your main idea. Explain why the city is better in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph)

For instance, during my children's lives...

in the city, they will be able to meet many people with diverse characters and experiences that will be addition to enrich their experiences in this life. Accordingly, they will be able to handle their problems and deal with them bravely. ---great job!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Planning all works alone or in group? - iBT [3]

but we can't expert in doing all things and inform from the results of doing many works in different situations. ----I like the way Annika edited this sentence. It is a complicated, long sentence, though. Try to keep sentences simple and clear so you can avoid errors.

Anyway, simplicity is powerful in writing.

Look at the capitalization mistakes here:
last but not least, Indeed, one of the ...
You don't need to capitalize "indeed." You do need to capitalize "Last," because it is the first word of the sentence.

You made a great argument. Now, I think you can make the paper complete by writing a sentence to tell about any decision that you think someone might want to make alone. You explained that it is usually good to make decisions with the opinion of others, but are there any exceptions to that rule?

If you can think of any exceptions to the rule, you should acknowledge them so that your argument is complete.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for Global MPH: Masters in Public Health, begin medical school and travel [6]

I'll try to find some of those errors:
We all have a purpose. Mine is to think outside the box, macro not micro, see the hidden connections, and create global ties.

Mistakes are the drops of red wine on my white summer dress.----pretty cool!

do I allow stains to ruin my day? Or do I see this as an opportunity for growth?----Very eloquent, but the concept is too simplistic. Everyone knows you are supposed to keep a positive attitude. But can you add a unique twist to this concept?

Use a hyphen:
once-full

Dribbles of wine can be lovely. ----Ha ha, very good writing here...

... enough to change my idea of life, its necessities, and its obstacles.---Again, you wrote a great sentence here...

... they graciously give to me, this is what I strive for -- a dress, rich in color, a deep purple color.

This is one of my favorite essays. I hope the Admissions reader knows how to appreciate good writing!

Writing Feedback / In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize - success [3]

I think that correction will help a lot, Annika!
I see one more change that needs to be made to the last sentence:
In a nutshell, only through confronting one's drawbacks and following the social principles can one accomplish his or her own dream of becoming successful.


I think this sentence is too complicated. Let's simplify it! Therefore, it is important for people working in cooperation to be able to accept criticism. It is a way to achieve success and not an indication of failure.

:-)

Writing Feedback / In some countries the youth have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure [6]

This is a great thread! I think it will help a lot of people who are trying to improve their English.

Don't use "under" here:
Nobody can deny that the key to success lies under in hard work.

You don't need to use "but" and also "still." It is too much. Just do this:
But Still, they have to keep both leisure and obligations in moderation.

I think the first paragraph is too short. You should add a thesis statement to the end of it.
Google this: how to write a thesis statement

:-)