Writing Feedback / Integrated TOEFL essay; Unexpected effects [3]

First and admin request - You should open new threads for all TOEFL essays in Writing Feedback forum. Also, have a more meaningful title in the subject field.

Overall, I find this as a poor attempt. Your introduction does not introduce the topic and the positions that the reading passage and the lecturer takes in a clear manner. I find it is crowded with verbosity. Make clear statements as to what the reading passage deals with and then what position the lecturer takes on it.


The reading passage discusses the unintended consequences of a person's decisions. The lecturer further elaborates on those consequences by offering detailed examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Young people move to cities [4]


.... I feel the latter part is not necessary .... it is implied and therefore does not add not any value to your essay.


study opportunities
To begin with, the major cause that leads to urban migration of young adults to urban areas is that cities often offer more well-paid jobs and better opportunities for study chances compared to what rural areas do offer.

Obviously, many large companies and universities often locate in cities which are hailed asprovide promising lands to develop their career opportunities.

Undergraduate / The death of my mentor; Significant Challenge [3]


The moment when someone you care about dies, is the moment that you feel devastated and lost.
Well.... I feel you do not adequately describe the challenge here... It only talks about your feelings over this loss.... what was the challenge you face with this loss? That is not said here and that is what the admission guys would want to know.

Undergraduate / I have keen interest in farming - a story that tells my identity. [4]


Ok...


Well... this task is about talking something that is so central to your identity. I feel you have good contents here to respond to that prompt, but they seem to be scattered too much. It seems you keep changing one idea to another pretty fast. First you talked about your ambition and the effort you put for that in vain. Then you said about your inclination towards spiritual side to escape from that pressure. That's all good, but I think you need to connect them a bit more strongly. Your English writing skills are not bad. I don't find grammar issues here. It is the first paragraph you need to attend more carefully. Build up the story line to be read more interesting. Yes, I find your story which is central to identity, but you have lots of potential to polish it further :)

Undergraduate / Childhood obesity numbers are increasing; Childhood Obesity Research Paper [4]


The government has developed many different programs to save nation's children from this issue. These programs are focused on keeping children active and encouraging them to eat healthy nutrient diet.


Parents need to step in and make sure that their children are getting involved and participating in these programs in order to ensure that they would not end up as obese.

Undergraduate / BLACK AND POOR; Paper on examining the connection of violence with minorities [2]


This paper will examine the connection between violence and minorities with a focus on the relationship between disparity, lack of opportunities and crime.


In addition, this paper aims at finding possible solutions and ways to achieve a positive move forward.


.... what do you mean by presents? It sounds confusing to me :(


I feel you need to improve clarity of the ideas you've written in this passage.

Scholarship / Olin College provides a tuition scholarship! [5]


... you are very open about it and I like your approach :)
The first thing that strikes my mind about when choosing a college is the cost.


First get their attention to your problem and then justify it. You need to convince them that you deserve a scholarship.
Coming from a low income family, yet being very enthusiastic about pursuing a higher education, the only avenue for me to aspire my dreams is to seek scholarships opportunities.

Graduate / Advanced Degree in Nursing through eletronic learning: Admission Essay [3]


I suggest you to start with that saying and then tell why you want to pursue this nursing degree;
"To be an effective nurse, you must be an effective leader" . These are the words of Diane Whitehead that exactly describe why I want to pursue a Master's of Science in Nursing.


Well... this idea comes pretty abruptly because there is no connection between with the previous line and this one. You need to set up some link between to two lines to have a good flow for your essay.

Undergraduate / The little girl who influenced me; Princeton essay [7]


... was it a deep slumber or just a little nap out of your tiredness? I guess it should be a nap in a car.


.... I guess you have some typos here


... rather than saying that she lives in your memory, tell how she influenced you to think differently. That way you can align your response better with the prompt.

Undergraduate / Syracuse - who/what influenced ; dream person; work experience;real-world experiences [4]


college town? or just "town"? ... It sounds a bit confusing to me :(


"bulk of my life"? sounds a bit awkward for me :( .... Also, this sounds a bit repetitive as you mention about the town in your previous sentence too. Better combine the first sentence and this one together.

Well ... here you need to describe the person whom you aspire to become. For example, tell that you want to be with particular skills, strenghths, outlook etc...etc... It is not delivered properly here.

Undergraduate / My Favorite Word is "Weird" - UVA supplement [3]


....:D ...LOL ....This is very interesting :D
The "I" before "E" rule is totally thrown out of the window here.


I love being unorthodox and find exceptions to the rule.


... I would like to change the punctuation;
When Einstein , another "E" before "I", introduced his theory of Special Relativity. .

Graduate / SOP for MS in Electrical Engg(Signal processing/power systems) [4]

Yes, I am fully agreeing with shadman. I don't understand why many students miss out that point in their SOPs and I have often seen it here in this forum. For me, it is a must to include that what your future goals are and how this program helps you achieve them. Actually, other parts of your application give enough and more details about your experience, credentials etc. So, it is important for you to use the SOP to tell the admission guys about your future dreams and how this course would pave the way for you to have them realized.

Undergraduate / 'online brochure of Art center' -THE WORLD I COME FROM (I WILL MAJOR IN DESIGN MEDIA ART) [3]

I thought middle school students don't need an ambitiousambition or a long-term dream. / I thought middle school students do not have to ambitious or have long term dreams.




This is not very nicely presented. Your ideas not connected with each other very well. You need to rephrase these line in order to improve it presentation.

Undergraduate / MATURING FROM THE IMMATURE / REACHING FOR THE TOP BRANCH [3]


.... you don't have to tell every detail. Applying is implied by the first part of this line.
I was instantly attracted when I learned that I could work as a facility manager at camp sites all around Europe.


The following days I had a training on soft skills like talking to an audience, entertaining others, solving disputes etc.


However, I performed very poor when trying to apply these skills practically.



This sounds repetitive as you almost used the same words before in explaining your tasks. Rephrase this line.

Undergraduate / I was a teenager thrust into the world of adults; COMMON APP [6]

Well.... here the concentration should be more on the place. Yes, you should talk about the experience and its contribution as per your prompt suggests and of course this place should talk about you more than itself. However, everything should revolve around this place where you are perfectly content. For me, this looks like as if you are trying to tell them how this place influenced you to change your personality. Since the prompt ask you to talk about "perfectly content", I think you need to change your writing to get a better alignment with that.

Writing Feedback / Why do we need music? 'effect on the infants' [8]

Hey.... I am not he, but she :D .... and I don't think I am good at marking the essays posted here either, although I have attempted to give a score for about couple of times here...lol .... Well, we generally provide guidance, especially with regard to structuring the essay for particular tasks and our advice is based on our own experiences. We vision is to help others get the best possible scores at their exams. :)

Undergraduate / I was a teenager thrust into the world of adults; COMMON APP [6]

What is the prompt? It is important that you include the prompt for us to understand your writing and provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Is this about your extracurricular activities or work experience?


This is like you are going back to say the same story with what you started your response. I think you should avoid repetition of ideas and organize the flow better.

Undergraduate / I remember the first time my lung collapsed; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]

Yes, I agree.... This is very well written :)


I think you should have talked about the merits of this change directly, instead of why you sought this change which is somewhat obvious to the reader. The same reasons you can show as benefits too.

I think this is good writing and can add a rich dimension to your application
Wish you good luck!

Graduate / I missed an assignment - Speech Pathologist; My SLP Graduate SOP [3]


I don't think this piece of writing would help you positively. The SOP is about your passion for that particular field, how it developed, what you did to pursue the passion, what you aspire to be in that field and how this program would help you achieve them. It speaks about your proudest accomplishments and the dearest dreams. So, I don't think this sort of confession is really adding value to a SOP, instead may work against you.

Writing Feedback / Traditional music is more important than international - 'takes us home' [3]


...one cannot imagine a life without music.
Well, I think this is a bit too much generalization because there are some people who do not have any liking towards music.


Well, you don't introduce the background of your prompt well. You need to mention that people listen to music for different purposes and also traditional and international are the main two types of music.

Writing Feedback / INTEGRATED WRITING; Globalization leads to a similarity of nations [2]

Hi,
There are a few things you need to adhere when you open a new thread in this forum. First you should have a meaningful title in the subject field. It's good if you could mention the purpose of the writing too (e.g. TOEFL, IELTS). Second, your essay should be opened in the most appropriate forum. I moved this essay from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback which is the appropriate forum for TOEFL and IELTS essays. These are forum rules and also they help them earn more relevant and meaningful comments.

Is this for TOEFL Integrated Writing task?

Scholarship / Commitment to delivering outstanding results; Intertek's mission & business; Scholarship [3]


Well, I feel the first and the second parts of this sentence do not go hand in hand. When you say "being the first born", the reader expects you to talk about what sort of pressure or influence you got from your family in order to shape your character.The two things you have mentioned above are loosely connected.

First tell us what their mission and vision statements are.... Then only we will be able to give some advice to you . It's better you have a vision for yourself too. Ask yourself what you wish to achieve through this scholarship. Let us know that too :)

Undergraduate / My heart has always been in the fashion industry; WHY FIT? [2]


Why you bother about others ? I think you should not waste your words on how others feel about FIT. Take the focus on to you. Tell why you want to study at FIT.


It was these words of my mom that helped and inspired me to find my real passion. She said, "Find what you are passionate about, and just do it. Because when you find your passion, it won't matter what anyone think"s.

Graduate / SoP for MFA in Design and MA in Global Innovative Design [2]

This is pretty good. As a recommendation, I can only suggest you to include about how this program would help you achieve your future goals. Nothing much is said about that.

Undergraduate / "It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee"; UVA Favorite Word [3]


.... flame? I feel it is too strong and does not really go with your idea. This is what I suggest;
A simple hope turn into a determination as I aspire to accomplish my goals with the mindset of "possible".
As I was growing up, I was raised to be obedient, always listening to others and taking into heart their words of others.

Undergraduate / PEEDA; Rice supp- extracurricular activities or work experiences [8]

This was a great opportunity to for me to understand different processes used in soap manufacturing such as saponification, incubation, pH testing etc. In addition to the report I was instrumental in introducing attractive brochures that provide information about PEEDA. My involvement with this NGO helped me develop my knowledge, creative talents and social networking skills.

I think it is better if you spoke a little bit more about your personal skills you developed by working for PEEDA.

Writing Feedback / Countries should not isolate themselves from the world but instead engage other countries. [8]

If the hook is so problematic for you, jut forget it and start with the background part of the introduction. You wouldn't lose marks on that as a feature, but hook can impress the examiner and that would help you with overall score. But don't waste time on that and start with the background. For that you can get lots of help from the prompt. It is only a matter of rephrasing the same idea with your own words. Go on like that and once you finish the essay and have a little free time try to think of a hook and insert it. By the time you finish the essay, you may be able to come up with a stronger hook too. :)

Undergraduate / 'The Moon?' ~ COMMON App - SOP [3]

Then it's fine. I was confused because you said -


:D

Undergraduate / I was immediately adopted by a loving,single,gay dad! - UC - the world you come from [3]


I never knew my mother, but knew that she vanished as I was born.


In the fifth grade, almost every week, my class teacher used to get us talk about how we spent the weekend.


I feel this line needs a bit improvement.... I mean the latter section.
Overall, a very nice story and you have presented it so well.
Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / PEEDA; Rice supp- extracurricular activities or work experiences [8]


My involvement with PEEDA got me to prepare a draft report on making soap from the Jatropha plant.

Here there is no proper sequence of your ideas. You talk about making soap, then a brochure and again soap... You need to arrange the flow of ideas. Finish one idea completely before starting another one. Once you improve this part I can help you with it.

Also, about the other two posts (the last two in this thread) you should open new threads for them. That's the forum rule.

Speeches / Speech to thank those who helped me in completing the English Literature Task [2]


Alhamdulilah, I had the fullest support from my family who kept motivating me to complete this task.


It is pretty difficult to play multiple roles together - a student, teacher, wife and a mother at the same time. However, I believed in the saying "if there is a will, there is a way"


Although he is still very young, he is a teacher with talents in abundance. Thanks to him I built my confidence to communicate freely with all the senior teachers in English.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: People benefit more from traveling in their own country than foreign country [2]

@ Ninita - I provided you with a structure to construct your introduction. I wish you follow that. Do not begin the essay as if you are giving a direct answer to the question. Introduce your prompt to the reader in its original sense and then state your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Both parents, father and mother, are indispensable to grow up a child [5]

@eagle112 - Pay attention to what Pahan said. It's important that your writing stays with the prompt.


Let's check ;


Here again, very little relevance I find with regard to your prompt. I think you should attempt this essay all over again.

Research Papers / Bullying seems to take place in all sorts of schoolS - BULLYING [2]



Whatever the case of bullying, there are three major roles that take part in this activity; the bully, the victim and the spectators.
First it is not clear to me what your intention of writing. Is it that you want to analyse these different roles? However, I like if you elaborated a bit more on these three roles before coming to those examples as I feel they come too fast and it is difficult for the reader to understand your motive of writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1; consumer durables (telephone, refrigerator, etc.) owned in Britain [10]


Well, the overview paragraph is actually missing here. You can consider the second paragraph you have written as the one that discusses the details. The overview should discuss the major trends, but without too much details. Let's do an overview;

It is observed that the percentage usage of all electric appliances by the British household has achieved a steady growth during 1972 to 1983. While the Video had been introduced, the Vacuum Cleaner had exited from household usage in the last year of the period under review. .... This is it. Just the major observations.

Also, I have another point to mention ;


This task would test your report writing skills. So, be more formal and official. Avoid phrases like above. Adopt a more official style which discuss facts to the point.

Writing Feedback / The educational process - Parents are the best teachers? [7]

Hey.... you don't have to be so nervous about it. Actually that is a natural thing to feel about an exam because you are ambitious about getting a good score to supplement your other study plans. But these exams are actually not very tough, but needs lots of practicing and most importantly time management. My advice for you is to practice with time and always follow a standard structure. That trains you to think in a certain framework and that's the best way to handle time. Reading your essay, I can tell you that you have good writing skills. You don't have problems with grammar, vocabulary etc. It is the essay structure that you need to pay attention because I feel your paragraphs are a bit overly done. That may put you in a situation that you cannot manage time well. This is the overall essay structure I suggest.

Also, in this forum you find many essays written on similar topics (both IELTS and TOEFL) Read them to pick up ideas and points. They would help not only with writing, but also with speaking tasks too :)

Writing Feedback / BENEFITS OF READING [6]


Reading has become more and more important for our lives.
reading becomes/ reading has become


The Internet, bookshops and libraries are not materials for reading but sources.


This helps us expand our knowledge.


On the other hand, books provide us with humor, excitement and entertainment.

Undergraduate / "And the Winner is..." Common App Essay- Option #2, Failure [3]


... This is confusing. I think you wanted to hear your name as the, but you heard someone else's name. Isn't it?
I couldn't believe why those words that I have been longing to hear were not there.


I managed to deal with controlling my feelings on this failure at that moment, but it really was very painful to me.

Undergraduate / Following my childhood dream; FIT/ Fashion merchandising management. [3]

studying abroad is one of my dreams .

the tuition fee and living cost are also much more expensive compared to Jakarta


... a fashion boutique?


Therefore, to realize my dreams
I remember the words from those people who once pushedrun me down and told me that anything related in fashion business will not make a promising career for you

Undergraduate / What is your favorite word and Why? - Ambition ( UVA) [6]


I would simply say that it is you who makes you a commander or just a normal soldier in the army.


... well, that part really doesn't contribute much for ambition. :( .... Try to talk about something that goes more with ambition. Actually it is the ambition that motivates you, helps you face challenges and hardships and survive your dreams.