Undergraduate / How Just One Summer Changed Me Forever - transition from childhood to adulthood essay [3]

- ...America's idea of an adult, it'sis terrifying.
- Suddenly, being a kid again sounds like the best idea anyone can ever hadhave .
- ...feeling that change could be the day youthey graduate...
- ..high school, or college, or get yourtheir first real job.
- ButHowever for me, the change happened (no need to add anything here) (should I add something else right here, or you know, in this general area?)

- ...suddenly butand it also felt like...

- It seemed to happen suddenly, buthowever looking back,

Apart from the corrections I made above, I went through your essay and it seems written well.
Just be confident with what you wrote and it will be fantastic.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin essay - The Common Good does not have just one, single definition. [3]

- The Common Good does not have justonly one,...
- ...act of the Common Good.

- The Common Good is genuine and pure.
- It is being there for someone, ( don't forget your punctuation marks) day...

- ...found with inwithin (this is one word) anyone.
- ButHowever , with time, the Common Good..

A few more things;

- I believe "Common Good" should be written as "common good"
- the essay is quiet vague, I know you can write more.

I hope the remarks I made helps.

Undergraduate / My mother has shown me the right path to take in life among others how to giving back to community [4]

- Someone who has had significant Influence on me would be my mother Stacy Shimko because,, she ...
-has shown me the right path to take in life, and through her giving back to the community,
-...I have been influenced to give back to others and assist needy people through her actions( no need to state the obvious .

- One reason my mother has had a big influence on my life is becauseMy mother influenced me and she...
- When I tell her about the careers and jobs...
- ...me pointers onto what career...
- ...that aI take the chance...
- to always talk to adults that could help me strive me for future success,..

As much as I'd like to love your essay, you still need to practice and make sure that the idea and the logic of your sentences go together.

Also, I'd like you to take note of the main reason why you are writing this essay, as much as you talk about your mom and how she influenced you, you should also mention yourself in the essay.

Overall, it's a good one.

Undergraduate / The Hills of Haverford - Common App Essay attempt numero uno [4]

- As I try to remember my experiences with failurethat failed ,
- ...siblings and a friend.
- ...went tumblingrollingover todown the...
- ...hill behindand over the fence.
- ...I thoroughlyhurriedly (I believe this word suits the sentence better) brought the ball back the ball to...
- the side of the street Iwhere it belonged to.
- I threw the ball back to my siblings so I could..

- In spite of their logical reasoningsthe logic
- I was too prideful tokept my pride and didn't accept their help.
-That day I went home full ofwith pride with a confidentand confidence ,
- a proud feeling finding success after numerous dedicated failures.

- As I reflected back to this flashbacks of failure leading..

Very well written, you were able to elaborate such an event in your life and yes sometimes help is just what we need to succeed.

I hope the remarks I made help you too.

Undergraduate / Why a major in computer science is what wish to pursue - Application Essay [3]

I wish to help out, kindly find the reference below;

- The major I chose,( should your sentence be followed by "and", a punctuation mark is not necessary )
- and that I want to pursue,...
- ...and because I havehad always possessedhave an interest...
-...together to a solve a problem or...

- As a wholeAs technology as a whole is constantly...
- ....evolving at astonishing rates ,...
- In theour modern world,...

- Therefore, taking part in this program at the best school for it would enable me to achieve..
- my goal of having the best learning experience that I possiblyI can have .
- To be able to build a stable career in a growing industry out of thea degree I earn while in college is my ultimate goal.

There you have it, I hope it helps.
I'd love for you to add a couple more sentences about how would you be a great addition to the institution once you get in.

Best of luck!!!

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science for 2016 - answering questions [4]

Sure @kaustubh, I'd like to rate your SOP at 7 out of 10.

This is due to the references below;

- always learn more about the language rules
- know your topic
- go beyond the boundaries of your ideas and play with it
- be objective
- know your facts and figures
- read a lot to enhance your vocabulary

Nevertheless, make sure that you enjoy every writing that you do.

Undergraduate / 'to be a part of the scientific revolutions' - SOP - fascination with biology [3]

- SinceFor as long as I can remember,
- ...flourished all through out my middle school...
- Therefore, I have, therefore, decided to let...
- However,f or me, however, the idea ...
- ..I put utmost effort to excel atin biology..

- To realiserealize ( be careful of your spelling, turn on your spell checker) this desire..
- ... in orand outside of my home country, Nepal.
- And I hope, ever so sincerely,...

Well done!!!
Best of luck and let us know the results, we'd love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / Rising above the occasion - my leadership qualities, inside and outside out sports - UC Statement [4]

I have a few suggestions that might help.

- ..than partookpartake in conversations...

- InM y first year of high school,...
- but slowly over the year before tryouts,
- ...I slowly observed my fundamental...
- I made to varsity on my sophomore year.

Your essay and life story is a classic living proof of, if there's life, there's hope and never loose hope. Strive for the best and never compare yourself to anyone, instead, look at them as role models to make a name for yourself.

Now, on your essay, it was written good, however mind the following;

- verb tenses
- a little bit of sentence construction

Best of luck!!!

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science for 2016 - answering questions [4]

Career and academic objectives
- ...so that I could go back to India..
- ..with the latest knowledge...
- ...of Prime Minister Narendra Modi, (don't forget your punctuation marks) India is...

Personal background
- My father bought me a second hand..
- ...computer when I was in 8th grade, most of the time I spent...
- ...either playing games on it or creating ppts( I'm not sure if "ppts" is a typo error or an abbreviation, please clarify) for fun .

- ...this machine begin andbegan hence hence I decided to pursue my career further in this field.

Professional Background
- During myWhile on ( you have used "during" on the previous sentence, it's good to play with other words) training I..
- My responsibilities included interacting with the client...

Why this University?
The Graduate program at XYZ, is fully suited tofully suits my goals.
- Computer Science areis a strong areas of research at XYZ.

I wish you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / A woman in Computer Sciences. University of Washington Transfer Statement: "Aim for Diversity." [4]

@StephD, running through your essay, I believe you're good to go.
For future reference, I'd like you to take note of the following;

- be objective
- remain true to your topic or the main idea
- cite examples
- review the rules of the language

Most of all you enjoy the writing experience and keep practicing.
In cases of a personal statement, you need to make it still as objective as you can to avoid conflicting ideas through out the essay.

Keep learning and know your boundaries when it comes to writing a personal statement.

Undergraduate / 'I want to be brave instead of to be happy' - Admissions Essay (Transfer) [5]

- In an essay I wrote in my junior year of high school,
- I would blow this rainy, grey town forof California.
-... hunghang up art on my walls,...
- Because in all honestyQuiet frankly , happiness for me often means...

- AndA lthough my somewhat...
- ...become limited in their prospectiverespective (since your parents has chosen the field) fields by lack of higher education,
- ...I would never think to apply toof applting for college without a plan.
- ...to use majoringand major in Art History at Western, and..

I hope the corrections help. I suggest you pay attention to the logical order of the sentence and yes a little bit of grammar and verb tenses too.

Undergraduate / "I am designing an "Operating System"." University Admission Essay - Commonapp Prompt [3]

@viet, so here's the second part of my proof reading. I hope you were able to see the first one.

- InAt the end of the day,...
- I reconstructed the idea bywith Power Point.
- Even though, at first, I struggled at first with...
- ...but after several times of testing and fixing,...

- ...I feel myselfthat I'm closer to my dream,...
- My passion withfor computer...
- ...has never been faded away.
- I believe that I will succeed in my chosen waypath ( I believe "path" is more appropriate in this sentence) .

There you have it, a few more remarks from my side, I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / College Essay (what do i bring the the campus that will enrich, life eprirences, personality) [4]

- Some might say that it would be very devastating onto me...
- ...but withhaving them not pushingputting pressure on me..
- ...and not constantly on meconcern about grades...
- andT hat really pinned it in my head that my...
- ...that anybody in contact with me can tell right away.
- ...it looks like there's not oneisn't the most obvious bright side, I try...

Go for spreading positivity!!! This is one trait that the world need these days. There's always a bright side of things and staying positive draws that bright side to your doorstep. Nevertheless, optimism is the key to a happy and longer life, I once read an article from a survey that once a person is optimistic the positive energy just grows from within and spread to the people around them, creating a harmonious society.

Now, going back to your essay, I believe you can still elaborate and expand the topic and as a college essay, I feel like there should be a few more sentences to write.

Essays / Writing SOP without relevant work experience and 9 years after college graduation (BSc in geology) [5]

@tourmaline, I agree with @Icturn87, given the fact that the financial issue happened several years, it's not worth mentioning in the essay.
Plus the fact that you're working on it. what you have to include in your SOP are the following;

- your academic skills
- academic achievements
- work experience and expertise
- how did you manage to choose such a course
- where does this masters lead you
- when granted, what can you do to serve the institution and the community as a whole
- lastly, what personal and lifelong achievement will this masters mean to you

This are just a few guidelines that will hopefully help out in creating your SOP.
When you're done, I hope you will have time to post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Empty state UCF personal statement, obstacle in personal or academic life [3]

- It atecreepsaton me as...
- ...feeling pathetic for pitying myselfand having self pity when others...
- I had no reason to not to want to live and be happy...

- My mother has always done everything she could on her own to ensure...
- WithArmed with determination I have defeated depression,...
- ...and createing a healthy, happy life for myself and my mother.

Depression as I had read and heard about it is a very significant and difficult state of mind, however, I believe that in every situation there's a solution.

You have a lot of people around you, people who love you and care about you, they mean well and they're ever ready to help. The least thing that you can do is to harm others and inflict negativity, so motivate yourself, as they said, "Happy thoughts", be with the people you love, write more, embrace life and live it the way you want it to be.

Research Papers / The Effects of Peer Review on Writing--Research Paper [3]

@Selena, I brush through your essay and upon doing so, I can say that it's made to perfection.
You were able to tackle a chronological order of all the elements of a research paper.
However, I'd like to see if I can still enhance it for you, I will do first thing first, the definition and the purpose of the study;

1.1 Definition of Peer Feedback
- ..."the use of learners as sources...
- ...normally taken on by a formally trained teacher,...
- He highlightshighlighted that learning is not an...

1.2 Purpose of Study
- ...how to improve students'(no need for a punctuation mark on the word "students) writing becomes..
- ...peer feedback possesses the strengthswhichthat promote writing ability.
- However, meanwhile,(redundant for this sentence) the weaknesses...

So far this is what I came up with, I'll get back to you for the next paragraphs and hopefully our fellow EF team members will help out too.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak" - Tufts Supplement Essay about family, home, neighborhood, or community [8]

-Slowly, we started to...

- ...from the divorce manifested with in me.
- I started to become very angry atwith the world,..
-I wasn'tnot willing to accept my situation.
- ...but eventually I overcame itwas able to overcome this agony .

KUDOS!!! For being brave and courageous to face life's challenges.
You made a very moving essay out a not so fortunate event in your life, but hey, I believe before this event, there were good memories too, right?

I suggest writing about those precious moments too. It will also help you remember your parents the way they were and the way they will always be.

Going back, supplement essay's can be heart warming and mostly out of or personal experiences however I suggest that we should always be objective and remain true to the calling of the subject of the essay. Keep it up.

Graduate / Management and biology are fields that both seem to interest me equally. Admission for Biotechnology [2]

- The mother is the first and the best role...
- ...small can have power more, than a nuclear weapon.
- ..Biology at a higher level in IBDP.
- ...cycle inwith the girls...
- However Itit was...
- I also got the opportunity to write an paper...
- ...each semester we had a valuehave an additional value course,

- I wasam always more enthusiastic in my practical'spracticum and internship.
- Confidence is my biggest strength, one which...
- Our task was to maker( be careful of typo error) Jaipur's...

As I go along with your essay, I must say that your enthusiasm breaks thru your writing. I made a few corrections that may help.

Best of luck in this adventure that you are about to endure!!!

Undergraduate / The heart beating inside me isn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be. [9]

- For the 8-year-old me,..

- ButHowever ( avoid using the word "but" as it connotes a negative aspect of the sentence) nothing...
- I've dug through various...
- ...but none leave me satisfiedwith satisfaction .

In addition, I have your edited essay;

- pushing me to dig deeper in order to understand it.

Well, there's not much to edit as you have written it well.
I believe you can write more about your fascination on the subject, just make sure that you remain objective and stay true to the facts that you will gather.

Also, make sure that you will be able to elaborate your scientific finding, this can be a good practice for research too.

Undergraduate / "I've always wanted to keep a diary. " UVA Quirk Essay [3]

-...to daily scribble daily thruaway pages of my endless adventures.

- AndA s it turns out, Mia Thermopolis discovering...

- ButHowever even after my fifth attempt,..

- I will learn from my mistakes. And, I will smile at my..

- ...accomplishments. Butand cherish I will them both.

You are a very creative writer, you know what you want to write and you go for it. Don't worry about your words, play with them, the language rules?, they will fall into the right places, the best thing that you can do, read more, enjoy life and write about it.

It's your diary, it's your life, make it special.

Research Papers / Like the Phoenix: Heavy Metal's Inevitable Rebirth (Research Paper for English class, Rough Draft) [3]

Jared, at first, I actually thought you were writing about "metal", as an element, it took me a while to grasp that you were talking about "heavy metal music". I suggest you incorporate this in your title, to be specific and to state if that's not much to ask.

The reason I suggest this is that, if it's just "metal" a lot of people will think it's about the element metal and not much readers will be interested.

I'd like to tackle on your reflection.

Reflection

- As time passed( this is an ongoing action so it will take the present tense) in the class,
- this problem was carefully fixed, and is nowit's not so much a problem as it was before.
- WithIn my research paper,...
- ..another almost instantly aroserise to take its place,...

- The second issue was one concerning sentence conjun ctions.
- ...and learned to writingwrite with conjunctions...

- ...there must be fluiditya flow , control, discipline, and rationality.

Well, all I can say is, practice makes perfect!!! What I hope for you to do is to enjoy writing and be comfortable with it. Read a lot and write more, write anything you want, and everything will just fall into place.

Undergraduate / Leadership and no titles - What is my identity? [4]

- Individuals that do notwho doesn't have this...

- Some of the most popular leadership positions in high school havehas been in Student Council.
- Unfortunately, I had lost this election.
- ...I have always been involved in the various fundraising ideas...
- ...and events that the council heldhold .
- ...and I volunteered myself to overlook and ...

I must say, as I go thru your essay, it's indeed written well, what I don't understand if why would you write the first paragraph about yourself being not true to what you wrote. You definitely have leadership skills and taking your first paragraph in consideration, it doesn't really help your readers in believing what you wrote in the later part of the essay.

I don't say to delete the first paragraph but you might want to rephrase it and focus on your strength and capability as a leader and assuming a leadership role.

Undergraduate / "I am designing an "Operating System"." University Admission Essay - Commonapp Prompt [3]

@viet, I will tackle the first two paragraphs and will get back to you for the following ones;

- ..ButHowever they will feel more...

- That was my second class about using Power Point usage at school.
- ...quickly access to their needed programs in a hub.
- I flew in with my imagination...
- I meticulously noted down every function of each button...
- After class, I looked back at my design and fixed some defects.
- Then, I putI added some colors in my design.

There you have it, I believe you need to work on your linking verbs as this matters to make the sentence mean and send your message across.

Overall, it's written well. I will get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Scholarship / "My family loves food." I've gathered people to collect viable food. QUESTBRIDGE achievements essay [2]

- However, since I grew up with seven other siblings,...
-...every time my parents'(punctuation mark is not necessary on this word) came home...
- from the grocery store, a battle wasis signaled.
- ...of about 2 minutes;, I even remember distinctly..

- ...any viableedible food about to get thrown away..
- ...will get putbe placed into the box instead.
- ...could pick it up and drop it off at my city'sthe city hall..
- ..to give it to the homeless people there.

You have such a good heart and as we may not be able to save the world, the best thing is we are making our little effort to do something that matters and for greater welfare of the community.

Undergraduate / College life, campus food, research institution, technical school, reputation; Why Virginia - Top 5 [3]

- ButHowever, the food in the town cannot..
- ...topcompete with the great campus food,...
- Tech isThe institution also has the best...
- ---research institutionfacility in the state...
-ButT he biggest make or break...
- ...aspect of Virginia Tech is how it'sbeing a technical school.
- I am a die hard scientist and the fact it isthat it's a technical school...
- ...with national rankedranking academics is outstanding.

I hope my little remarks help. I actually believe that you can write more, however your essay is well written and a few more sentences will help enhance your application. The letter looks full and ready to be submitted and I hope my corrections help.

Dissertations / Dissertation on Rice Production and enviornment: Fertilizers, Pesticides use and good practices [3]

Well @ngalathi, as the name of this essay implies, a dissertation needs a lot of research and believe me your topic is a very interesting one.

I have a few guidelines that will hopefully enrich your research and come up with a well written dissertation;

- identify your topic
- know the meaning
- cite examples
- what is the positive effect of rice production to the community
- is there negative effect of rice production, if so, cite them
- what are the effect of fertilizers to the crops
- is there a perfect fertilizer?
- what are the good practices in dealing with fertilizers and pesticides
- where does the community yield more profit, in planting rice or shipping them to market place?

Lastly, what are the best substitute for rice in worst case scenarios.

We wish to see your draft, post it here on EF and we will help you further.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Houston Methodist Administrative Fellowship Program! [3]

- "(quotation mark is not necessary when starting an essay) Once during...
- Egypt and I was assigned to lead the team as I was the most senior.
- ...children younger than five years to give them the vaccine,...
- so we faced a lot of troublesissues and...

- Although I have been graduated with a medical degree,
- but I wasam passionate...
- This service has a great outcomes like reduction of inpatient...

- Given my past history of commitment and dedication to work,
- ...your expectations, because of bothdue to my academic and interpersonal skills.
- I will enrich the program by enabling fellows and coworkers...
- ...to benefit from mythis ambitious and open nature program .
- Furthermore, my international and cultural background and interdisciplinary(????, I understand that you want to play with words however "interdisciplinary" would mean "diverse" to most of your readers) education...

- will add more diversity to your administrative fellowship program.

There you have it, I hope the remarks I made help!!!
Best of luck!!!

Scholarship / Mathematics: from foe to friend - help refining my essay in order to intrigue my audience [3]

- A few years ago I would...

- ...yet I was willing to do whatever it tooktakes .
- ...I was going toshould excel in math class and...
- ...achieve an average of above 90%.
- I started going to office hours.(what is "office hours" is this a math group?)
- Office hours greatly helped me a great deal in accomplishing my...
- ...one on one tutorial from my Math teacher,...
- As we beganbegin going over..
- ...the equations that I needed to answer the questions.

@abby, you have a well written essay and KUDOS to you for loving numbers, that's not really one of my favorites yet I still strive to get even grades.

The corrections I made above is very minor, I hope you follow thru, pay attention on the use of verbs and tenses.

Writing Feedback / Men to share housework with women - topic idea [2]

@Wendy, first of all, here in EF we don't write an essay for you, we proof read and we enhance it.
It's good that you have a topic to write about, so here's some guidelines that hopefully will help out;

- what is gender equality
- how does gender equality affect household
- as a woman what household chore do you normally do
- knowing men, what do you think are they capable of doing when it comes to household chores
- leaving aside the work assignments what do you think is the best way to create harmonious relationship in the household.
Lastly, be objective and site examples.

Enjoy writing, post it here and we will help you further.

Undergraduate / For outsiders, learning local norms and rules of polite behavior is a process filled with pitfalls [2]

- Studying abroad forces one...
- ..my overseas study abroad experience in France gave...
- ...a store without havingfirstgreetedgreeting the store clerk,
- ...me was an incident in which, inwere I was in a rush while in a shop,
- I caused offense accidentally offense .
- ...that members of that culture implicitlyrespectively accept and understand.

As soon as I finished reading your essay, I felt like there's so much more that you can write about the topic however I wish that you review and enhance your vocabulary, you played with words that are not usually used in essays, which is good, but if you look at the role of a reader, we need to look up for the word so we get your message, this can be enriching as well as surprising. Good job.

Undergraduate / Obstacles... College application essay - critique before I send in. All amounts of critisim welcome [3]

- ...that one must be overcome in order to further one's self.
- ...dilemma with an intimacyin depth meaning that only they can understand.

- ...was the upmostutmost important revelation I had.
- I was facing something that was tangible,something that I could fix..
- ...and not be burdened bytroubled about .
- BecauseFor social anxiety is a burden.
- ...pounding against my rib c age,

Overall, I found a few grammar corrections and I did so, I hope you follow thru in this essay.
Not to mention, you need to gather your ideas, draft it then go on writing it. I hope my help means to you.

Undergraduate / Improving social skills in a large city - why i chose to apply to UCF [3]

- ..has many majors too choose from,..
-it is located in the big city of Orlando,...
- and has a large variety of clubs and sororities for extra curricular activities .
- AsFor someone who has grown up in a small town,...
- ..with a population of a merely 12,000 people,...
- ...world and live in a different largebig cities across the country.
- When I touredhad the chance to visit UCF over...
- ...even though I am undecided inwith my major..
- I know UCF has many branches of schoolingstudy for any field I decide to pursue my career in .
- I am very confident thatof my ultimate decision...

I agree with @ap759, your application essay is written well. You were able to clearly associate your interest with the institution to your pursuit of a brighter future.

Keep it up and the best of luck!!!

Graduate / Parents do what they saw and learned from their parents [5]

- ...their education wayhow they teach education might be wrong...
- ...because they'rearen't educatednot licensed to be a teacher.
- ...trying to behaved( it's an ongoing action that's why it takes the present tense) all kids...
- ...care howabout their personality and emotions...
- ..they should have careteach differently to the each other
- The kids are trying to copyimitate whatever their parents do..
- so in a big family, every member of family have a big responsibility...
- about that because kids are copy whoever they see bigon nurturing each other and behaving gracefully ,
- it's a natural thingtrait because...
- the people who bigger than the kid is survive long enough to get big.
- ...they choose the wrong path, ..
- parent's wont let them choose the bad side and..

- Parents are the first and
- the best teacher, they teach us how to walk,speak..
-...and good manners before we reachconquer ''The real world''

Well, after going thru your essay, I say you need a lot more practice. Keep writing.

Undergraduate / 'Keep running' - A common application essay 100 words critique [3]

- I would like further my lifetime ambition...
- ...toand just keep running.
- ...their support ensuringensures that I remain steadfast.

I believe your essay is written well, I understand that this essay is bound for word count and this limited your ideas
however, I know that you will still be able to make a few good sentences.

Some guidelines for you.
- remember your linking verbs as they make up the sentences
- know your language skills
- in an application essay, you should also include your capacity to help and contribute to the community
more so to the institution

I hope you make it.

Letters / Spanish language is my passion. Letter of motivation for internship opportunity [3]

- At this time( this phrase is not necessary) I am pursuing my Bachelor's degree...
- During my degree I have had the opportunity...
- to improve my knowledge about chineseChinese ( remember, it is very important to capitalize the first letter of each word when referring to a country or the citizen of the country) language and...

- culture thanks to a schoolarshipwhich I didattended until last December.

- My passion for spanishSpanish language as well..

- Allow me to express my interest in taking part inof this internship...

- As requested I am enclosingAttached is my resume along with writing sample.

Kindly find the remarks above, I hope it helps.

Graduate / Dwelling into cities can reveal important characteristics of a society that inhabited there [4]

- ...the thinking of the people living therehere .
- I toodefinitely agree with the...
- ...point that to get a dipperdeeper ( I wish you mean "deeper") insight...

- One can understand about India by merely...
- ...prominent here, (don't forget your punctuation marks) people are..
- ...always in a hurry from morning till night.
- So one can consider that people offrom India are hard working people .
- The local train which completely cover complete Mumbai is ...
- ...running form early in the morning to late...

SoF inally I would like to conclude..

There you have it a few remarks and guidelines from me, I hope it helps.

Undergraduate / I've been invited to a charity TV show where I saw the embarrassments and tears in children's eyes [4]

@underga801, the prompt below;

- Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act?

I believe you were able to elaborate your idea on the given prompt, you displayed a fair and objective writing.
I just have a few reminders for you, for reference;
- know your prompt
- do your research
- make sure to review your language rules
- make your message known and sound all through out your article
- be fair and objective
- enjoy writing
- read more and enhance your vocabulary

Best of all, own your article!!!

Poetry / Poverty poem. Humanity, where is your personality? [3]

1st stanza
- Because that's what we have placed onin our DNA.
- Which I believehas left us in despair without care,
- With the words that are un spoken.

Last stanza

- The world is begging us to see, so, stop supporting fame
- And stop playing thatthe killing game,
- Why don'tcan't we gain?
- ...its a voice attracting our brains that's why

Honestly, I'm never entertained reading poems before but your's made me realize that poems has voice too.
I hope the minor corrections I made help.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Should we trust and accept common sense, or be skeptical of it? [3]

- Many timesOver time in history,
- ThroughT rusting their basic senses,

-ByIn rejecting common sense,

- common sense must be a keystone of our lifestyleslives .

There you have it, not much to correct as you have written a good essay, however I suggest that you practice writing more as it enhances your skills in the English language. Indeed, common sense is like warning from what negative outcome that might come along and we have to really pay attention. For over 30years of my existence, I've learned that common sense is the voice that one should listen to in order to advance in life.

Now, going back to your essay, I know SAT is quiet difficult however, I believe that your essay has a potential and I wish you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / Freshman prompt on how my world has formed me - UC application essay. [2]

- ...it is one that boundsbinds me into...
- My community castshas ( you've used "casts" in the beginning of the essay, avoid using them again ) a diverse.... - similarity;we all encounter the pressures of from expectations.

- In the world we live in, competition is universal,...
- The never ending race to be superior traces its origins...
- The large massesnumber of businessmen( "businessmen" is one word) and...
- ...my town institute an unspoken merit we must achieve and live by.
- ...can often be a burdensomechore, cultivated from the social demeanor of our surroundings.

Well, I myself has great expectations, but I don't let anyone impose those expectations but myself, I aim higher, my goals are bigger and brighter everyday and as soon as I accomplish one, I never stop dreaming, I never stop caring and I never stop loving, I do this not for anyone but more so for myself.

You made a good essay and I hope my remarks help, best of luck for your bright future!!!