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Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 433  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 440 / page 5 of 11
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Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it. [12]

You should combine your experiences with your reactions. You never really explain how the second occurance impacted you.

Another terrible happening arose one night when I was at my neighbor's house.

This does not work for a transition.

I recall my mother cooking while my dad conversed about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' defensive line over some drinks with friends.

You do not need to remind us that these are your recollections. The reader will be more in to your essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

They said that there were lots of essays that were about the "big day" and about "music".

No no no. Your friends are just being cranky (or perhaps I just have a soft spot for piano essays). Revise it according to our suggestions and repost.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "my own personal definition of success for the future" - UC ESSAY #1 [6]

There were many tears shed that day, and it was an overwhelming moment.

I don't quite understand why because you did not really write about the emotional aspects.

There is a predicted water shortage here in the United States. But when it comes, people will start caring right?

an important lesson they learned is not to take things for granted.

It is unclear how your father learned this lesson.

And on the other side of the city there was a boy whose struggles living on a farm in Korea during the 1960's were many.

Reword.

Education is important to my family and me because it helps you reach your maximum potential.

Education is important to our family because it helps me reach my maximum potential?

I hope to give sick people strength and the ability to cherish small things.

Good ending in my opinion.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Illinois Essays (academic interest, work experience, service) [4]

Ever since I was young, ... opposed to the liberal arts.

I started Freshman year with Honors ... is offered through your school.[/b]
Most of this can be found elsewhere on your application. I would condense it. Admissions would be unpleased with an introduction talking about your various achievements.

... I naturally thought to try out the subject[/b]
It's natural? Like human nature? I have never taken an engineering type course even though my dad has been an engineer all of his life. , so I took this class that ...

I became very skilled at it, and believe ...
What makes you believe so? Actually, don't answer that because it will make this opinion seem even more arrogant.

I wanted to continue with the subject... Come on.

I was so interested in it, that during my sophomore ...
And it doesn't stop there right?

After the first week, I recognized ... my favorite science subject.[/b]
Your interests do not really have solid reasons and aren't developed at all throughout your essay.

I became so good at the subject that ...
Somehow I predicted this.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute; Spring Festival in China [5]

To experience the local culture, I chose to live with a local family.

Can anyone tell me if this sentence structure is better or worse than just stating "I chose to live with a local family to experience the culture"?

I, therefore, asked if we could make dumplings together.

Since this is a new paragraph, I would specify who "we" is.

Dumplings I made were bigger with more meat, they made smaller with more vegetables, just like people in the north are forthright and uninhibited, while people in the south are tender and discreet. Although they look different, even taste different, they together made a delicate dish.

Forgive me but when I read this part it sounded like you were refering to the people :P

I am willing to show the University of Michigan my own flavor just like the dumplings I made.

If this is the point you want to make, you may want to state that you enjoyed sharing your style of dumplings with the local family. Either way you must still expand on it.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]

Also, I tried writing it as a diary excerpt...which explains why I did the january part in present tense too.

Which is fine! Although the second part starts to fade away from the diary style.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]

I can speak Chinese and Taiwanese fluently

I feel really um...picky everytime I say this but you speak Mandarin, not Chinese.

(Don't get the wrong idea, I am not a lesbian)

I don't think that this is necessary.

(If you ever go there, I can take you around.)

This can be reworded out of the parenthesis.

I am a Buddhist, but I am really open-minded to anything

Buddhist aren't really narrowminded in the first place.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

a more complex literature will make you stand out.

Not necessarily. A thought provoking piece of literature may not be the most complex. It depends on how the author expands on it to show that her thoughts are complex.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Writing Feedback / time spent for studying and playing [6]

Studying too much makes children feel tired and difficult to concentrate on their lessons. They need to relax and do what they are interested in.

Sports would make students feel tired more than studying would.

They may find the lessons interesting and ease to remember.

Really? I would think that children would be more bored after a fun sports session.

Moreover, sitting in one place and studying makes children get fat if they don't play sports

Not necessarily. Growing children do not necessarily needs sports in order to gain muscle.

You should tell us your reason for writing this essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / What cannot be learnt from your other applications? - Yale Supplement Essay [4]

Ask a teenage boy what he fears most. It's not the dark closet in the guest room. It's not the huge Rottweiler next door. It's not the babysitter's cooking. What a teenage boy fears most is dancing with a girl.

It may be one of our fears.

Dancing can be a very awkward ritual to first-timers. You'll see all types of strange moves, most bearing the resemblance of a chicken running around without its head.

May I ask what this...headless chicken dance looks like exactly?

A small slip can result in poison darts, or worst: gossip.

Assuming that "poison darts" is figurative, what do they represent exactly?

Actually I think that the rest of your essay is quite interesting. I like the simple idea of happyness yet it may be too broad.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

we want to see ur reading more than just harry potter or twilight

How dare that admissions officer mention Harry Potter and Twilight in the same sentence. For shame!
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / FSU admissions essay - i would really appriciate your advice. (rough draft) [3]

The guidelines for Florida State for the past hundred years have been "Vires, Artes and Mores".

Why do applicants insist on repeating what is in the question already?
Admissions does not need to know what the guidelines are for their own University.

I believe that i posess imense skill and creativity in the art of television production.

You might want to spell things correctly.

Being in this program for almost four years now,

Being in what program?

Starting out freshmen year i learned basic camera manuevers and became quite familiar with the equiptment.

Capitalize "i" and search up the correct way to spell "equiptment".

For obvious reasons, i signed up for television production my sophmore year as soon as possible.

Sophomore. I.

It ended up being a year based on the idea of us controlling everything.

Reword.

Scriptwriting, lighting, actors, and genre of story all up to us.

Reword.

I know that i would make an excellent addition to the FSU community, and it has always been a dream of mine to be a true Florida State Seminole.

Weak Conclusion.

Your essay is more about Vires than Artes.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [7]

Is there a way to work with what I've got, or make a completely new one?

I would switch topics. It appears that this essay expresses your view on this book for many years so changing it up would require a certain amount of lying.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

As I tried to balance the technicality of playing music and making music as a musician, I had to give an inhuman effort to give great music to the audience.

I don't quite understand this.

No way would all my hours of practicing and my efforts be canceled by one mistake.

Nice. I wrote an setback essay for U of M on this website that dealt with a similar issue.

At that moment, I realized it didn't matter how many negligible mistakes I made.

My heart was beating a thousand miles per hour

Your heart cannot beat "a thousand miles per hour".

a millisecond difference in how long a rest should be and not be.

I doubt that a millisecond matters. I'm not sure if you should use hyperbole here.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]

auxiliaries

Ahhh...So that's what they're called.

Hoping to accomplish with education is a plan for future that everyone would dream of.

Everyone? I wouldn't say that.

During the process of researching for college, I was first explored more of UK's universities of art and architecture but I feel as if it wasn't really for me with the campus and the curriculum.

Unnecessary.

I was convinced to Pratt when I read the details, the curriculum that covers varieties of units such as the history and theory, the environment to planning, design and construction.

You don't plan to participate in all of these subjects do you?

I was impressed with the peacefulness of the campuses and the location of the institution itself, located in New York.[/ quote][quote=benz]Batchelor

Spell this correctly.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [7]

As sunny as your essay is, I feel that there are risks involved with using it with a college application.

^This is completely true.

When I first read it (granted that I am not as observant as Noto here) I thought that it was very very interesting and engaging. Perhaps your introduction was not the best thing but the rest of your essay was quite thought provoking. Perhaps it is this thought provoking aspect that brings down your essay as Noto here has demonstrated.

I suggest that you switch the topic (although I liked this story) because comparing yourself to a tree is unwise. A tree has no ambition and its patience far exceeds that of a healthy human being. Giving unconditionally does not create a mutual relationship between you and your friends. What ends up happening is that you will remain resolute and unmoving in life while your associates all move on.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'My dedication to music' - FSU philosophy; "Vires, Artes, Mores" [5]

"Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art." This expresses no exaggeration when it says there is beauty shown every form of art. In my opinion, the most wonderful art form is music.

Don't quote the prompt and don't define Artes for an admissions officer who has already read tons of essays describing it.

Your essay has the potential to be a strong emotional story but it falls flat as written. Perhaps getting over your mothers death has brought out the Vires in you also. I really like your idea of playing music to soften the blow. Explain that process. Expand on how you were able to overcome.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay [7]

My life is a journey. I believe that.
This sounds silly. I doubt that anyone would deny that life is not a journey.
There are always going to be obstacles...
Quite...Broad and obvious.
I honestly can't say that I had considered ...
A little confusing to me.
The traits I developed and the lessons ...
I feel that you can combine these two sentences.
If the Marine Corps was an "obstacle"...
I truely do not understand the obsticle thing. Why would it be an obsticle?
This spring I'm seeking to become a student ...
Obviously.
It was encouraged and rewarding for us to volunteer...
"..."?

I can sum up my thoughts ... GW would have been practical.
... to more effectively contribute something back to society.

If my life is a journey and I seek to be an ...
reword
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]

^Present tense.? Even though, it happened, more than a year ago in the past

Maybe it's a diary excerpt?

Being around the hundreds of different nationalities, languages, and cultures gives me a sense of multiculturalism/internationalism.

You were around hundreds of different nationalities, languages, and cultures? Like...they were in your vicinity? Or are you just refering to U.S.A in general.

Behind all the flags, races, and languages are people who really are all the same.

In what ways? This seemingly contradicts the diversity that you talk so much about.

Traveling to a country of Picasso, cheek-kissing, and the Flamenco was definitely an immense change coming from suburbia. Nothing familiar existed, yet I loved it. Some major adjusting has taken place, too. I adapted to a bedroom the size of a closet, a starving stomach waiting till 9 p.m. to eat dinner, and sitting through the torture of watching weird voice-overs to American sitcoms. My stay here has been difficult at times, but amazing, to say the least.

Perhaps you should talk more about why you loved it because you make it sound quite the uncomfortable experience.

You don't quite show me through your essay how you could be a good candidate. Perhaps you should focus on how Spain has molded your individuality or carry on your idea of multiculturalism to the conclusion and show how that may contribute.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

I just noticed your new tagline, Liebe. "I rock?" Didn't you mean to say, "Noto rocks?" Are you sure? When I sent you that hundred bucks to say that "I rock," I meant for you to say that I rock.

I want a cool tagline...
I guess I was the one who requested names though...oh well.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'studying photography' - FSU Essay -- Vires, Artes, Mores [8]

I like this essay because it is light-hearted and consistant throughout. I would also include the beauty aspect of Artes though in addition to your skill.

One day, I showed my art teacher one of the techniques I had attempted in hopes of receiving a critique. She ended up admitting to me even she had never tried the particular technique, an inverted photogram, and that she was impressed with my adventurous works of art.

I would just condense this to something like "Even my art teacher was impressed with my different techniques and adventurous works of art."

Overall I think that you have done a good job. Perhaps it is not the most impressive essay but it is solid and strong.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

Granted that you have a good sense of humor. Going for something like this would be a large risk and usually falls flat.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Psychology Interest [6]

Could you give me some advice regarding the intro as well?

Rewrite your essay according to Leibe's suggestions first and post what you come up with.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Obstacle, family, why apply, qualities - UCF Personal Statements [2]

I like the first essay. However it would be nice if you included a large argument perhaps that you had with your parents regarding your views or something like that. It would spice it up a little instead of just talking about your parents views without examples.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Is my asian immigration essay too cliche? [6]

is this too cliche? how should I make it standout?

This is the question that have the most trouble with because I sincerely believe that it is up to the writer to make their essay shine.

Desired to improve articulation, I made a brave decision: joining Forensics and Debate team.

Joining the Debate team should be counter productive in terms of articulation. ;) Although I admire your courage.

That debater's words flew towards me like bullets from a machine gun; it was so fast I struggled to grasp its meaning.

This is when you ask for all of his card during crossex and read them all to yourself. I digress...

My confidence in speaking transformed me: no longer was I the introverted, inarticulate recluse, I enjoy having many friends.

I don't see how debate can make you less introverted in real life. Debate always seemed like an alternate reality to me. One filled with 100% nuclear war in the forecast.

I don't think that your essay is cliche. It would be nice if you supplied the prompt also.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Not Becoming My Enemy? (Princeton Supplemental Essay Topic, 500 Words Max) [5]

I thought I was awesome, perfect as I was and didn't need to change. I can't say with that attitude I was very popular, I was already odd in my interests of anime, gothic architecture and Greek mythology so my attitude didnt help my social life.

I realise the effect of the word "awesome" here but I still question it. I don't think that your interests are profoundly odd.

I think that this topic is a little juvenile. The idea is good but you use a seemingly trivial example to bring it to life.

Edit:I like the quote. I don't like your example.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

I've always wanted to play the flute although there are certain stereotypes (I'm a guy). Anyway I'm sure admissions will be more interested in your flute playing activities than your team bonding ones.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

Warming and welcoming, the teacher invited me to join his orchestra.

Replace "warming and welcoming" with something like "Before long"

A timid immigrant lacking self-confidence, I learned to make friends despite communication problems while enjoying the resonant music.

You really like this type of sentence structure don't you? Although I am quite the opposite of a grammer expert, I don't know if this is a good structure to tell you the truth.

If I were you I would focus on the musical elements of the orchestra also. I am interested to learn what kind of music an orchetra with a Chinese flute would play.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / My qualities as a person (caring, stern, calm, conservative) - UCF ESSAY PROMPT [6]

I chose to apply to UCF because I believe that I have the qualities that UCF is looking for.

This isn't a "answer in complete sentences" class worksheet. Think up a more gripping intro.

I like to make sure people are OK, and that nothing is wrong in their life, and if there is I like to talk to them to help them out.

This makes you sounds slightly nosey.

I am also a stern person; I don't change my views on anything because someone pressures me to or because others think that my views are wrong.

That's not really being stern. Your just strongly opinionated.

Your essay suffers from something very common. All of your sentences are empty statements and slightly immature sounding also.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

I fell in love with it right away; it soothes me when I am sad and calms me down when I am mad.

I would replace "mad" with "angry" because it sort of rhymes right now haha. This is not a bad try. You have some grammer issues and some sentence structures to fix.

EDIT:

and whats the prompt for this essay your writing?
more people could help you if they know the prompt..

The common app short responce prompt is pretty...common. It requires you to describe an extracurricular activity that you participate in. It is 150 words or less.

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