Writing Feedback / The rate of using internet between urban/suburban regions tended to increase rapidly over time. [3]

- ..the rate of using internet between two regions tended to increase..
- After that, the rate has more slightly risen,
- with 53% and 55% households had their own...
- ...to see that there werewas a larger number of people
- ...using internet network connection at home,..
- ..people in this areathere have more chance to own the household internet connection.

Good analysis, brief and organized.
The remarks I made is very minor however it is very helpful.

Undergraduate / Low self esteem and insecurity - 'obstacles in your life' essay [3]

- ...one often only considers the external conflicts faced.
- Low self esteem and insecurity are common to many children growing up
- ...if there was something inside me needingneeded to be fixed.
- ...rather than desiringhaving the desire to be surrounded by people.
- ...not for anyone else, but solely for my happiness.
- ...through anymore of my young years in amy self-made prison of insecurity.
- I shocked myselfwas shocked with how capable
- I was all a long to communicate
- ...confident and independent womenwoman .

Congratulations to a new you. Confidence is one thing that will hinder you from a lot of things that you are so capable of doing, so, be yourself, work on yourself and aim higher and I hope my remarks on your essay helps.

Undergraduate / How you see your future - your goals and ambitions? Predicting can be difficult due to many factors. [3]

- Predicting one's future can be difficult considering the many factors that can affect..
- ...typical answer:, to get a job
-... but also a passion.
- ...after being recruited as a sports coordinator.
- This was the third time I gave the icepacks to the same soccer player.
- As the only sports coordinator on the field,
- I felt discourageddisappointed and useless.
- Hence, I decided to enroll in the sports science (aka, kinesiology)
- I am hoping to be one of them in the near future,
- I can envision myself working atwith various settings locally and globally.
- By then, I believe I will acquire a set of skills and knowledge that will enable

Great goals you have their and this is a very good start, knowing what you want to do and to envision what you want to be is quiet a daunting task but hey, a good start is one step closer to your goals.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the process of water cycle. IELTS Task 1 [4]

- First, the used household waste water having been used is sent...
- There is also water recycled in the tank so as that it can be used again for household needs.
- ...and then it is directly carried intounto the stream via drain.
- In this case, thisthe area experiences drought.
-...water treatment plant., ( if a sentence is a continuation of the first one, comma should be used, use the correct punctuation marks)Bb efore being distributed to the houses,

Good work on analyzing the graph, short, concise and just the right information to let the readers understand the graph presented.

Undergraduate / Clash of different experiences. Essay for college admissions. [2]

-...was accompanied by the wondrous possibility of a job.
- I don't mean every other Tuesday he would offer up a quick jab;, ( be careful with your punctuation marks, to rest after one idea and the other, a comma should be used )

- As time drew onwent by , I noticed that...

Breanne, this essay is written well, however I'm not really convinced that it would pass a college admission.
It didn't bear the points that a college administrator would look for in a college admission essay.
I suggest you include the following;
- your academic achievements
- your goals and aspirations
- how would your college institution help you in achieving these goals
- what are your ways to contribute to the community and to the institution

Think about this and write back here at EF so we can help you further.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Should we weigh opinions equally or put more weight on informed opinions? [3]

- The upshot is scores of Americans rushing
- ...started once the excitements fades.
- The Ignorance from this causes deep rifts between both sides,
- such as the debate between upholding christian values or allowing looser restrictions in business concerning homosexuals in Indiana(SINCE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A GENERAL TOPIC, NO NEED TO INCLUDE ANY SPECIFIC PLACE) .

- ...butand they can be well-rooted or shallow.
- In order to avoid the damage of everyday, risk and moral tension,

I agree that opinions can be plain opinions unless they are supported with facts, most often than not, misconception is born out of peoples opinions.

On the contrary, everyone is entitled to voice out their opinions, however we have to be very responsible and take ownership of every opinion we voice out.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Are rewards harmful motivators? [3]

- In the fast-paced age of the milleniummillennium ( be careful with spelling, turn on spell checker) generation,...
- Yet every week, thirty swimmers showedshows (it's an action that continues or repeats as a routine) up,
- By Having a reward put in front of usas fruit of our labor , we expedited our own training.
- ...with the intent to promote athe love of math within the elementary..
- ...only to the top scoring participants for their outstanding performance.

I hope my remarks help and as much as I hate to say it, rewards for hard work are always something to look forward to.

It's a motivator, a driver and how ever you want to call it, it's one part of the puzzle that keeps one going and doing what they do best.

Writing Feedback / Write a story about two children who leave their old home and start a new life in a new one. [3]

- ...fearing that the worst hadhas yet to come.
- 'We are going travellingto travel ! '
-... Adam and his brother gave thetheir good-bye kiss.
- ...out of the window and waves his hands.
- " Such a joyful spirit "..
- ...Everything Waswas .
- LonelyLoneliness and precious memories were the only friends he had.

I will rate your story at 9 as for me it's almost perfect, I hope my remarks help.

Graduate / Zero and one - what can numbers do? Read my personal statement for statistics. [2]

Amy424, I agree with ChristineB, some of your sentences are quiet long and normally in this case, your readers will loose their interest on continuing to read. I would also like to help you out on some paragraphs;

-...I see the large picturesaw a larger picture to grasp the system...
- Aided by theWith the aid of firm command ofand independent study,
- I found itthat it's not only easy...
- ...fromand Physics to Chemistry.
- ...to govern the everyday worldlife and are difficult not to witness.
- ... even in places you expect not to find itdon't expect to find. .
- For example,(No need to site this as an example as the sentence speaks for itself) I had a large input as a team member in the Physics practical class,..

- Keeping these in mind and with utmost respect, I consider yourregard (Name ) University as my first choice.ultimate choice.

Amy424, I hope my contribution helps.

Letters / I've asked myself countlessly: "Is this a good decision?" - My family and educational ambitions [3]

- I started to pay more attention to my own studystudies and slowly..
-... where despite the fact that I don't have..
- ...succeed in order to help the submerged...
- In order to do itfulfill my goals , I see awill overcome this long way ahead with obstacles waiting for me and I will succeed.
- CCSS will be a foundation for me to make further stepping stonetake a step further and to advance..
- I would beam honored and grateful if you can accept my application andof your time in consideringanmy academic scholarship application.

Thank you very much for your consideration.
I'm looking forward to your reply.I look forward to hearing from you.

Gloria, to pursue Law in a country other than your own is quiet a big risk, you must have strong determination and a positive outlook because it will not be an easy path to take.

Going back to your letter, I made a few corrections,I hope it helps.

Graduate / Questions and my answers for Bschool application- Australia [3]

- 1. Why have you chosen to study in Australia rather than your home country?

- by an Asian influence provides a very interesting environment for the people in the country.

2.Why did you choose Bond University?

- My profile has gaps inBond University will strengthen my education...
- Thus, To attain my short-term goal I need to learn various aspects of business management,..
- Thus I researched more on the university to find if it is a right fit with my ambitions.in order to make sure that I can be a great addition to the alumni and carry the name with pride and determination to succeed with the help of the faculty.

Marivanno, as I go through your application, I believe this are the paragraphs that needs more help and a reminder, the word "Thus" is synonymous to "Therefore", "as a result" or "in conclusion", this means you cannot use this word in almost every sentence in your paragraph.

Scholarship / Prospective medical student needs help writing a personal essay! Must be creative and individual [4]

Sage,

When writing a personal essay, think about writing a diary with the following notes;

- how did you start in the academe
- how did you progress
- what are the goals you have
- how do you plan to achieve this goals
- what are your aspirations
- how will you keep your good work, consistency is the key
- if your pursuing the medical world, what do you plan to strengthen your practice
- lastly, how can you give back to the community or the institution that will provide you the scholarship

Try writing on your own and post it here so we can help you further.

Writing Feedback / All students need relaxation after hours of stressful study [8]

- Some students say that they rarely spend..
- Parents allonly want to see their children...
- In my countriescountry , young people usually
- spend at least three hours at private center after the school.
- As a result, they are always stressful and cannot get a good achievement on their studiesget good enough grades to present to their parents .
- They even study twice timestake double degrees so that they can have a chance of success.
- There are some solutions that can help students from falling into in this situation.
-Parents had better make ashould consider a more suitable..
- Another effective way would be for the government to invest in creation ofcreating more university placesstate universities .
- Therefore, students can have more opportunities forin enrolling to a university enrolment .

I definitely agree, all work and no play is not pleasant at all, school should be fun, entertaining and relaxing. School should be a place where one can hone their abilities and lead the world in the future. Studying as far as I remember is synonymous to learning, when you study, you should learn and not get stressed.

Undergraduate / University reinstatement letter after 10+ years [3]

EEBound, I find no remarks to make from your letter;
- it is written well
- you manage to transition your days of depression to your perseverance to be better and be the best that you can be.
- it's always a matter of deciding what you will do with your days on earth
- you never dwell on the past

And from me, I wish you all the best in your future endeavors,
always put that can-do attitude, let your feet take you to places and
imagine the unimaginable, create the impossible and invent the extraordinary that will capture the future.

Writing Feedback / Because of getting a new job I moved to a new house next to the office [3]

- ..and sorry my workskeep kept me busy that I could not have a time to drop you a line.
- I am writing now to update you about exciting..
- ..that I have moved to a new house next to my office.
- Having found a job into Xx Company,
- commuting would take long hours due to the fact that my ex-apartments is located far from my..
- I should mention that I have attended training classes and normally I'm late because I shouldstill have to get on a train and then a bus.

- Considering this issue, I decide to live somewhere next to the company I work for .
- Also, I was approaching to the end of a tendencymy tenancy agreement.
- I chose this apartment includingit includes a spa, swimming pool
- and free wifi due to mywhich spells convenience.
- Moreover, it locatesis located next to the beach;
- therefore I can go for a run everyday inby the beach road and enjoy the view of sunset.
- Last but not the least you are able alsoI am also able to wake up..
- ...and spending time with each other.
- As a result, you can give me call to let me know what time you expect to arriveI can expect you to arrive .

This is a very heart warming letter and I wish you the best of luck on your IELTS.

Writing Feedback / Contrary to Velleman's opinions, I believe that our society is not expressive enough! [4]

- Many times withinIn the novel, Holden...
- psychiatric help, but has nobody to talk to, and as a result,..
- There areis an estimated
-...and Warfare asis refusing..
- ...many young people do not see athe reason to keep working and in the endto have
- Those with mental illness in the face of
-...this bottlingsuppressedof emotions only further..

Indeed, keeping quiet of the things that needs attention is one way of not facing them, this will eventually lead to low self esteem and to extreme psychiatric cases.

You have avery strong essay however make sure that you don't forget your linking verbs, they help a lot in making your sentence make more sense.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Do we need others to understand ourselves? [3]

- Introspection is a powerful tool for self-reflection, but even more potent in accomplishing that is the company of others.(this first sentence started out right but the other half of it does not make sense so I'm not sure how to correct it)

- ...which we derive this strength from .
- ...in the company of someone else, notno matter how deceiving that person is,..
- SocializationSocializing is the key to many of the locked doors within ourselves.

Somehow, for a person to understand his inner self is to be her/himself, to be just who they are and act with respect.
Respect not only to the people around them but more to one self. It does not only make you feel good, it will also make people feel good having you around.

Letters / Letter for research opportunity position - collaborative governance [2]

Naime, first of all your letter is quiet short, it is very short that the reader will not understand or know who you are, what you're capable for and why they ,would let you do a research for them, let me help you out;

To the institution
The research department
Institution address

Dear Dr....

I am PhD student from the ______ with a major onof public policy in Iran and recently have developed a research about the reasons of the partnership complexities in the collaborative governance considering developing countries especially in xxx.

I have read your journal article "xxxx". And really I was surprised by the framework when I think the 'xxx' may be one of the reasons of collaboration complexities in developing countries. So by inspiration of this framework I have made conceptual framework in my proposal "yyyyy"

I hope to be able to come up with my own research on complexities of public policy. I have been in an environment that honed my research and investigative skills, making sure that I will be able to come up with a meaningful and moving project on good governance.

As I understand, politics may be a very dangerous place to be in however it is a challenge that I am ever willing to take part of. I believe collaborative governance has yet to prove it's worth and I am one of those who will stand by in creating a political environment which will be known to matter effectively not only to developing countries but also to the developed ones.

I am very inclined to your work and I hope to collaborate with you and have the rare chance to come up with rules in a collective effort, rules that will shape a nations political policy.

Sincerely,
Name

I hope this helps.

Scholarship / Narrative Letter for Diversity Scholarship Appeal (Mizzou; prompt included) [4]

Phd, yes you're correct your letter is quiet long and most of the time, letters this long will not only mean the reader will not read it, maybe they will but you will loose them eventually,here's what I think;

- stop focusing on what you've done wrong, I see this at the beginning, through out your letter and until the end, be positive
- let the administrator know your strength and how you will get back to that 2.20 margin for GPA
- you are a man of passion and perseverance in completing your studies, sell it to the institution
- everyone has seen unfortunate circumstances this is life's way of survival but you don't have to emphasize these in your letter.

I will make a draft in little bit and will post it here.

Writing Feedback / Schools can help change obesity rates in schools through education. [3]

Conclusion:
- I will prove that by doing this we will have and we can prevent
- .. function it has been very slim historically.
- The basic function of learning about nutrition has been an ongoing process however a very slow processone .

Obesity as a whole is indeed a dilemma in most countries and to most people in particular, this is also due to the fact that people are not mentally ready to consider yet another change that will extremely involve their commitment and their physical attributes. Normally the chance of re-enforcing a healthier lifestyle is hard to implement specially because you will break norms. I mean this is just me.

Congratulations on a very informative and powerful essay, I hope my little remarks help.

Scholarship / Question on leadership in water management now or in the future? [3]

Ugo, first of all, I suggest that you don't start your paragraph with the word, "because";

- Because of thedue to the long lasting problem..
- I had chosen to follow a course in Hydrology
- in order to strengthen and professionalisedcivilized the water sector.
- Then With my academic knowledge and professionalism in works,..
- duty was broaden and more versatile added that I have thewith the additional support of the Officer In Charge.
- I have 2 subordinates who I trained on the surveying...
- strategies through records sheets and routine..

This is indeed a powerful strategy in leadership management, to be a good leader is to be able to mingle with the masses, hear them and most of all respect them and let them know that you care and the company is not just a workplace but a home where family come to gather only in a different level of professionalism.

Writing Feedback / The tobacco has a lot of poisons substances which have harmful effects on users and non-users. [2]

- Smoking tobacco is a common among many people,
- All of the users inhale it regularly and...
- QuittingTo quit smoking is difficult for many users,
- ...tobacco has forto a person and his family,
- The tobacco has a lot of poisonou s substances
- which havehas harmful effects on users and non-users.
- ...which prevent the users from stopping to lighting it up.
- Making illegal smoking tobacco illegaldoes not cause to access deniedwill not prevent people from accessing it either .
- There are a lot of smokers in all over the world who are not accept thiswill not accept this as compulsory lowlaw .
- Making illegal smoking tobacco illegal cannot solve the problem;
- however, it will probably reduces the number of smokers.
- If the government beis able to control the external factors, making illegal smoking illegal will be useful.

Well, I for one hate it when people around me smoke because I don't but somehow I learned to respect them, now, this doesn't mean that I agree to this vice, I would love to teach them other ways to keep them away from this very harmful vice. I would like to share though that imposing higher tax on smoke will somehow decrease the number of smokers and hopefully lessen the harm it does to the environment.

Writing Feedback / The Importance of Random Acts of Kindness [5]

- ..child marketing theirmy very own lemonade stand.
-.. .happen less and less as the years go onby .
- That doesn't stop me from trying to hand them outpay it forward as many chances as I can,
-...have lost sight ofto the real meaning of kindness
- I want to show people how the kind actions they commit have the ability toacts of kindness make

Indeed, it's a very good feeling to make difference in one's life, regardless of how small or big it is, it's an act that will prove you that human being is still on top of their game. The game of making each and everyone around us feel loved, valued and respected. I share the same hope as you, that one day, human being will forget about individuality and treat everybody equal and with utmost respect.

Undergraduate / My reflection on My Brilliant Life; the supplement essay for Boston College [3]

- Every time he overcameovercome a problem,
- I felt I have learntlearned something from him.
- It was so hopeful and yet, traumatizingtraumatized at the same time.

A well written reflection of such a nice movie. It was indeed a very peaceful yet heartfelt night at the movies.
I can say that the your manner in writing os very god, somehow like an experienced writer wrote the essay.
What I do notice though is your mix of british english and the normal english it's quiet evident in your writing, if you can stick to the normal one like "learned" instead of "learnt" this is for your readers not to get confused. Practice writing more too.

Writing Feedback / "The people in power have created an obesity epidemic" - but not only rich countries are exposed now [3]

- A wise man namelynamed Roman Atkins
- What foods we consume and how we consume them.
- Foods especially fast

Obesity is indeed one of those crisis that envelopes the world, I mean this issue will not reach WHO if it wasn't that big.

The sad thing is, more and more people are becoming obese instead of avoiding it, it's like a trend that they want to be part of.

I live in a society where a lot of people follow trends, and believe it or not they follow the obesity game too. Unfortunate but absolutely true.

Now, going back to your essay, it's good that you indicated that this is the first part of your essay because you wrote it very well and for sure the rest of the essay will be the same. I look forward to other part so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Acceptance essay to the Illinois Art Institute of Chicago [3]

- Ever sinceI can still vividlyI can remember I loved taking pictures,
- the hands on education Ai offers will help shape and modemold my career.
- I expect hard challenges to be thrown at me to
- I hope to learn skills, by employeesas an employee , that will help me in my career.
- I will also need buissnessbusiness ( be careful of typo, proof read) skills
-...vital knowledge and skills that pertaining to my fields.
- No other college can do that for memade me fell so welcomed .

I'm quiet fascinated with your passion for two challenging paths, I must say you're one brave and extraordinary soul, when most students would go for science, math and normal courses, you go for the arts. Well, good luck!!!

On your letter however, I can't say it's strong enough to grant you an acceptance to AI, I suggest you boost your letter by detailing your strength on the chosen course and let them know how you can contribute to the institution.

Letters / Appeal Letter to reconsider decision on granting with the Dean Scholarship [2]

- .. this up coming fall semester..
- I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter.
- By reading this letter,(this phrase will not be necessary) I hope this letter will help..
- ...resulting thatthis means I have to go to..

The letter you have here is very moving and I believe it will give you a second chance on the scholarship.
What happened to you is very unfortunate and I salute you on being very brave and get back on your feet and try to win the scholarship back. Keep this attitude always with you because it's one secret to a successful person, being able to go out there and be courageous and face the challenges, believe me, not everyone can do what you are doing now.

I wish you the best of luck, let us know what happens, we would love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / Many people think that emigrating from homeland could bring various benefits [3]

- for study or settlementto settle .
- ...various benefits to the public and individuals as whole.
- From Social the social point of view, living away from ones native country encourages diversity in
- the society infrom the hosted land, because people
- ..those who migrate to others countries go intofor employment,
- where they boost the economy of the hosted country by paying taxes,
- ...that offers more opportunities than their own country.
- Nevertheless, there are negative aspects of travellingtraveling (be very careful of misspelled words) overseas.
- not being able to socialize with neighboursneighbors .
- Employability difficulties could be resultedcan be due toas lack of communication
- culturalculture shock might take a place as a result of not being able to adapt to the new society.
- In additional , paperwork also could draw attention to inability to fulfill the requirement with immigration office.
- To sum up, in the world we live in today's , public..

Aside from the fact that you forgot your linking verbs and verb form, you also have a few misspelled words, this remarks are quiet major and you have to be very careful.

Writing Feedback / The cultural adaptation is crucial however people should also not forget their own customs. [2]

- ..found offensive fromto other citizens of the others.
- ...some Vietnamese cultural heritages and relics.
- ....people being unablemay not be able to adapt well adapt to a new culture
- may beand they would rather be restricted..
- On the other hand, it is not to saywe are not saying that we should completely..
- ...uniqueness and freshnessgenuine pride of the nation of which it is a part of.
- ...accept the new cultures but they should also maintain the uniqueness and invaluable featurestradition of their own cultural heritages.

This are the remarks I made, I hope is shed some sense in your essay.

Essays / Gender sterotypes in the media [4]

Well, Clickher, gender stereotype is a topic that is considered a taboo for a lot of people, specially those ones who live by principle.
This topic, however, is one where you can write a good piece of article. I have a few guidelines that you can follow through;

- identify what is gender stereotype
- how does this affect the people around
- how does media contribute to the treatment of gender stereotype
- what are the advantages if there's any of gender stereotype
- when stereotyping exist in a community, how does it affect people's relationship
and finally how do we avoid stereotyping.

I hope you will be able to come up with a good essay and when you do, post it here so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Awkward relationship with my uncle - ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [4]

- Because his position required him to work inside ofthe warehouse for most of the time,..
- ...since my emotion oftowards him almost perished.
- Furthermore, if there was something that he needed an additional effort ,
- Of course, athis change didn't happen immediately.
-However, by imagining a better outlook in the near future,
- I kept my mind stubbornopen and continued taking a positive action.
- ..but thecoming from a person with an indifferentwho is very different in nature
- It may not be noticeable at the beginning,
- but passionatepatience and continuous action will later lead to a great change.

I always believe that experience is always the best teacher, the more you get challenged and overcome this, you will be stronger and will be ever ready to face the world.

Writing Feedback / People in India believe that prolonged yoga exercise can also cure many diseases. [3]

- Unhealthy life with ailments and stress are not smooth,
- they just drag us to the negativity of life.
- Firstly,(you already started the paragraph by stating "To begin with", so there is no need to stress the next sentence with the word, "Firstly") Traditional Sports like wrestling, bodybuilding, swimming and kabaddi

- are played here since the ages and theses sports are the part of many school activities.
- They play avery vital role to inculcate the habit of playing these games regularly and with enthusiasm.
- ..it's a form of exercise..
- Thirdly, we believe in eating healthy food which includes reshfresh ( I know this is just typo error but be careful) fruits and vegetables.
- To conclude, health is only only wealth and we can'twill never lose it if we take care of it.

I hope my remarks help in enhancing your essay.

Writing Feedback / Role of educational institutions in shaping one's career. Evaluate this issue essay. [3]

- Their roles are next to that of their parents for..
- ...and exaggeratedabout their likely hood of success than others.
- In addition, if educational institutions frame academic curriculum that isfocuses mostfocused mostly
- Thus,( "Thus", it's already been used in your previous paragraph and to prove your point you can use a different strategy) I strongly believe

- ...strifestrive hard to achieve their goals,
- however seeminglyno matter how impossible the task may appear.
- ...he is capable to takingtake the venture at hand to the highest possible level.
- Therefore, educational institutes should be opened up to all possible career options,

Arpita, I made a few corrections as you can see above, I hope it helps.
The only thing I noticed is that you tend to position the words in a way that it is literally translated and this makes your sentence confusing.

Undergraduate / Common App Question: What problem you'd like solved and steps to get solution [5]

- I will continue to not to be an American.
- I will simply will be livinglive in America.
- ..I was thean easy target of bullying.
- The recent events in Ferguson illustrate is that there is a great deal of underlying tension present.
- ...it is naïve to believe that racism has vanquishedvanished .

This is quiet a good entry you have. It's message is clear, you are very objective and objectivity is one thing that a good writer need to develop if they don't possess it and maintain if they have it. I agree that the US have a lot more problems than the eye can see. Regardless of the issue, there are other things than racism that the country will face but this doesn't mean that we just shrug it, it's one issue that needs solution but honestly, there's a lot to be done towards the solution to this issue.

Writing Feedback / Being great and risk means more chance for a success; GRE [4]

- Success can be defined differentdifferently by many..
- today there needsthey need to be risk and notbe careful in planning. -
- All of around the world there..
- because of the fear and not giving up everything to hit it big.

This GRE essay that you came up with is written very well, you made sure that your ideas are clear, concise and briefly written yet packed with all there is that you want to send. I can say your message is sent well, taking risk can definitely have only two results, winning it and loosing the game. One thing is for sure, if you don't risk it, you will be left with the "what if's", and believe it or not, this will hunt you for as long as it shall.

Risking all or nothing may not be a good decision but really, what if it's the only step that can determine your future, then go ahead, roll the dice and cross your fingers while you work hard for a better future.

Writing Feedback / TOPIC: What are the benefits and the risks associated with the use of private transport? [4]

- One of the main positivespositive effects of using..
- Indeed, with private vehicles you becomehave an initiative than to move to anywhere..
- The more the amount of private vehicle increase, the bigger emissions is in the air is .
- This has effects directly on the health and quality of human life.
- To sum up, besides some benefits of using private vehicles, it also causes many serious drawbacks seriously .
- In my opinion, I believe the risks arethat this case has brought with them area much bigger issue , and that threatens people's life.
- Therefore, the number of private vehicles should be controlled to avoid making worsethe situation worst.

I hope this corrections help.

Writing Feedback / The best way to reduce air pollution is for the government to raise the cost of petrol for cars. [2]

- Air pollution is one of the most threatening pollution for the environment around the world.
- Of course, developed countries have tried to avoid itsthe progress of this threat.rather than other countries.
- but also it does not granteeguarantee to reduce air pollution.
- First reason that I disagree with the above statement is that expensive petrol alone cannot prevent from air pollution.
- For instance, inIn addition of cars, other pollutant..
- ...rules in order to factories'for the factory owners filter factories' smokes from dangerous gasses.
- Or if they produce gaseous products they should pay more attention to their qualitiesthe quality of the air that the factory is pumping out to remain air safely.

- Furthermore reason that I reject the above statement is that buying expensive petrol with high expense does not..
- ...filter harmful gasses before emit themthey blow up to the atmosphere

Your essay is great and I agree that the control of petrol prices does not make sense at all, it always start from us, fro people's usage of the gasses and the resources in order to avoid pollution.

Writing Feedback / How Does Foods that Have Gluten in Them Affects the Human Body [3]

- How Does Foods that Have Gluten enriched foodin Them Affects the Human Body? Draft

Chnita, I will work on the last 3 paragraphs of your research;

- It is recommended that at least half of the carbohydrates in diets comes from whole grain.
- ...havinggiving consideration for theto people that..
- Basically before you make and drastic changes with your diet like..
- Not one body reacts exactly the same way.
- I have a family member who is now going through the gluten free diet
- and she too was not able to conceive for the life of her, (this phrase is not clear to me, I'm not sure what you mean by this, I would like to rephrase it; "and she was not able to keep up with this diet. "

- well maybe I should say she was trying to go..
- then we need to be educated on certain things that the naked hardeye maybe cannotnot see. - - For the women and men trying to conceive I hope this gives you all hope and motivation to start looking into things, at least so that some things can be ruled out.

I hope my remarks can help you.

Writing Feedback / IGCSE - Descriptive writing essay on narrowly escaping a storm. Any help would be marvellous. [4]

- Struggling to keep my footing, I pressed forwards against the torrential winds,..
- I quickened myquickly pace,
- whoseit's broken,..

Marcus, as you can see, the remarks I made is very minor, this is because your essay is written well.
I love the fact that you were able to draw a lengthy essay out of a not so interesting topic.
Just make sure that you stick to being creative in your articles, this is a very good asset, it keeps your readers entertained and it's basically like reading a short story.

I will not be surprised if you will be able to write a good novel one day or a
collection of short stories.

Undergraduate / Being a Korean immigrant - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A [3]

1st paragraph;
- "I'll never get be able to fit into the American culture".
-.. I feared most of mythe time.
- GettingMoving away from my cultures,
- American culture wasn't familiar withto me, especially inthe language,

Last paragraph;
- I am and becoming a positive minded person will let me make..
-..I was able to shed my old trauma,

Killeener, honestly, your essay is good. For somebody who says he/she is not good in writing, your essay is worth reading.
As entertaining as it is, however, I don't find your essay to leave a mark to it's readers due to the following reason;

- you spoke too much about yourself,your culture and just about you
- add some insights about your country, Korea, it's traditions, culture and beliefs
- compare this to American and how will this make you an asset to the institution
Write a couple more sentences and you should be good to go.