Undergraduate / Villanova - "one outfit completely altered my own esteem like no other" [4]

Xavier, this essay does not really provide a thought provoking lesson that would make an impression on the admissions officers reading it. You have shown that you are taking the theme of the prompt quite lightly and did not really give great thought to the best way that you can answer the essay. The lesson that you learned from that day is shallow and not life changing. There is nothing in your response that shows how this event in your life has taught you something that you believe will help you become an asset to the university community should you become a student there. Try to strive for a deeper story and lesson that will truly make a mark upon the admissions officer and have him going "I should recommend this student, he may be an asset to the community". Unfortunately, a fashion statement story, unless used for applying to a fashion school, is not really the kind of material that can work to your benefit in such a religious university.

Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

When a topic asks you to agree or disagree, you don't have to necessarily choose a specific side, provided you can justify your agreement and disagreement with the topic to a certain extent. It is an essay approach that shows how you have given thought and analysis to the topic provided and offers an insight into the way that you understand and present opinions on the given topic. Like I said, there are no right or wrong ways of responding to this essay. All that matters is that the writer provided an honest opinion about the topic. The topic is not strange at all as it asks you consider the ways that people show appreciation for one another in modern times. The only opinion asked for is whether you agree that aside from physical gifts, there are other methods of presenting appreciation to family and friends. There are similar topics relating to the prompt given by the IELTS taker but I cannot accurately say that he misworded the prompt he provided. I would have to see the original writing in order to judge if the prompt presented was differently put across from what the writer understood. Your response, is alright and the grammar you used is understandable. There is a tendency for redundant words and the like in your essay but that comes with your trying to keep reminding the reader of the topic you are discussing. You should learn to word your essay in such a manner that you can put across your thoughts in a concise manner. That is something that happens with constant practice :-)

Undergraduate / VT reasons to be a Hokie [4]

Monica, the Ut Prosim reference you made is not properly placed in this essay. VT has a separate essay prompt that asks you to discuss their motto so remove that reference in this essay in order to remove the chance of redundancy of content. Try to discuss more relevant reasons for wanting to become a Hokie. Right now, your essay is quite scattered and really unfocused on specific and valid reasons for your wishing to join the VT community. Why don't you try to sit down and list 5 basic reasons that you chose to apply to VT. After you list those reasons, briefly write a sentence or two that explains the reason. I understand that you have a word limit of, I believe 150 words in response to this essay. I am confident that you can meet that word requirement with a well developed statement provided you revise the essay using the suggestions I gave you.

Scholarship / Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. [7]

Rather than going into such detailed career progression discussion in this essay as part of your career goals, why not just tell the admissions officer what you ultimate goal is and discuss how you plan to achieve that? There is no sense in giving a blow by blow account of your career goals because there is always an ultimate goal that you are targeting. That is what you should discuss because it directly relates to your future plans. Tie in the two within a 2 paragraph discussion which discusses each part individually and then concludes with the story about your dream club. Tell us how your education will have helped you set up this unique club. I don't advice that you discuss a set career path for yourself because you may or may not follow that pattern leading up to your ultimate goal. Don't paint yourself into a corner. Just tell the admissions officer about the ultimate goal and make sure that you fully discuss it as a part of your career plan. Your passion is clear, it just need to be focused and the topic narrowed down for easier reading by the admissions officer.

Undergraduate / The eighth and ninth years of my life were plagued with walkers, canes, and hospital visits. [2]

The story about how your father survived and your family was changed by the accident and the recovery of your father as aided by his occupational therapy is a very good hook to have started off this essay with. I feel though that you have spent too much time discussing that when you could have already moved on to discussing the other reasons that you have for wanting to enter the profession. I strongly suggest removing the parts of the essay that deal with your work experience in the field as it is a non-related essay topic. Is neither asked nor requested for so remove the reference to it. It is an unnecessary deviation from the essay prompt at this time. Your conclusion is specially strong and reiterates the reasons why you wish to pursue this profession. Once you delete the portion that I pointed out, the essay will be more than ready for you to use alongside your other documents for submission.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WA PUBLIC HEALTH/HEALTH STUDIES TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT-ADULT RETURNED TO COLLEGE [4]

Of all the reasons that you have given in your essay, there are two compelling reasons that you can use to write this essay properly. Those are your desire to prove that even this late in your life, you have the ability to complete a degree because you wish to create a better future for yourself and your family. The second reason that you can use and must highlight is the fact that you have two children who need to grow up respecting you and knowing that there is no limit to the age of a person when it comes to desiring to improving himself. Expound the most on the second reason by highlighting the fact that you wish to gain the respect of your children and be the encouragement that they need when they feel like they want to give up on college. Talk about how finishing a degree will offer you the self respect that you desire and require to be able to tell your children to stay in school and keep striving for the best that they can achieve in their academic and professional life because you did it. Discuss how that is the compelling reason that you have for wanting to enroll in university classes.

Admissions officers always look for the best and most effective reasons that could compel you to enroll in college. Normally the best reasons relate to self improvement, professional advancement, or personal reasons. In your case, you have all 3 reasons present as your compelling reasons. Be sure to fully discuss only those options. You don't need to explain the non related aspects such as your favorite classes, your family background, etc. Those are irrelevant and do not apply as answers to the question posed. Those as responses best saved for the common apps. Let your documents tell the rest of your story. There is no need to present unnecessary information in this particular essay.

Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

These types of essays are a bit difficult to balance in writing because there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to this topic. In truth, you should have discussed this essay in a balanced manner. Meaning, present the positive side of giving both physical and social presents to people. The physical discussion will offer an insight into the way that physical gifts end up becoming mementos of a relationship, that helps cement a bond between people by reminding them of each other and their friendship as connoted by the gift. Then also discuss the way that emotional support is a gift that, although unseen, carries weight as well with the recipient. It may hold more weight in terms of bonding and friendship because of the emotional (rather than financial) support that it offers during a time of emotional distress. Financial gifts fall under physical, not emotional gifts and thus should not be classified as a non physical present.

Therefore, the proper way to have discussed the essay prompt would have been to offer a paragraph supporting physical presents and a paragraph discussing other manners of showing emotional support and appreciation to your friends and family.Offering another paragraph prior to the concluding one that voices the opinion that both methods of appreciation work to a certain degree depending upon the requirements of the situation.

Graduate / Letter to apply for the Masters in prestigious university like yours for the winter intake 2015 [4]

You made a mistake in the formatting of your essay. You seem to have mistaken a motivation letter for an actual letter which it is not. Rather, a motivation letter is written in essay form. It is not formatted in the same way that you would a letter. Change the overall format of your letter to make sure that it reflects an essay form.

Open the letter immediately with a statement that indicates the course you are applying to and the reason that you are interested in pursuing these studies. It is important to immediately establish your motivation for higher studies rather than presenting a long introductory statement because you need to catch the attention of the admissions officers at the soonest possible time. They need to be enticed to consider you based upon an immediate impression of yourself as a possible student at the soonest possible time. This is always established within the first 2 sentences of your introduction.

Don't give your academic biography in your motivation letter. College accomplishments and other achievements should only be read about in the supporting documents and not in the motivation letter. The motivation letter should only indicate the strongest possible reasons that you have on the academic, professional, or personal side that will indicate an imperative need for you to complete these studies.

Scholarship / "I can speak five languages" - this short statement became my biggest motivation for learning more [8]

That short statement is not really enough motivation for wanting to learn more. It is weak and does not really create a hook that will keep the admissions officer interest in reading your essay. It is not really the kind of opening statement that will immediately pull in the reader because it offers a glimpse of the discussion that is to follow. Instead of simply saying that someone who spoke 5 languages inspired you to study languages, try to connect that desire for more language learning to something more important that is not somewhat self serving / selfish in nature. I suggest that you discuss your interest in languages in relation to your career as an international lawyer. Explaining how being a linguist is vital for your career progression and will assist you in dealing with the multilingual roster of clients that you are sure to have to defend or prosecute in the future. Consider this essay as more than just a run down of your academic background. That does not really offer any explanation as to how this type of study will benefit you in the future. So concentrate on looking forward and the objectives that you hope to achieve career wise once you have completed the course.

Undergraduate / "Earth to Nicole! Are you there?" - My love and appreciation for music [2]

Okay, when the essay asks you to consider something that you perceive goes unnoticed, what that means is that you should choose something about yourself, it could be a character, trait, or habit, that you feel other people do not notice you constantly do or participate in. I do not believe that love and appreciation for music fills in the requirements for the prompt because people around you actually notice this trait of yours and , as you mentioned in the end of your essay, they finger point while looking at you. Unnoticed by definition means "not perceived or observed". In the context of this essay, you should choose a trait or habit or character of yours that you notice or know that you actually always do but that other people do not consider or observe about you. Try to choose a topic different from music appreciation. It could be anything from a hidden habit like biting your nails, or even an activity like volunteering at a soup kitchen. Choose something that other people would take for granted with you because while they know that you participate in it, they do not really know why it is important for you to be doing it.

Undergraduate / Contributing to the Bryn Mawr Community - college with rigorous intellectual stimulation [2]

What you have given are simple introductions to your academic and extra curricular interests. As introductions, these are alright, but you need to develop your possible academic and extra curricular contributions in order to highlight the possibility that you will be an excellent addition to the Bran Mawr community both academically and socially. Unfortunately, you are hindered by a word count that will not allow you completely present and discuss your academic and extra curricular prowess. Instead, choose your best academic and social endeavor that you feel will best highlight your abilities as a Bryn Mawr student. Make sure that you expose the side of you to the admissions officer that you know will be best received. Usually, these are characteristics or traits, or activities that you participate in that resonate well with the goals and objectives of the university.

Your introduction is too long and does not help present anything that will help advance the introduction of your essay. It is almost a separate part of the discussion as it is a series of exchanges between you and your friend. Essays like these need to be direct to the point and interesting. Exchanging dialogue between people at the start of an essay does not usually work to hold the interest of the admissions officer. Don't repeat information about the university that is common knowledge. Instead, try to offer an idea as to how you are looking forward to changing the landscape of the school by some specific academic and extra curricular goals that you have which currently does not exist in the university. That should help to perk up the interest of the reader in your essay and make it more prompt adherent as well.

Undergraduate / "Don't Forget The Lyrics" (A Cheesy Common App Essay About A Bad Audition - Prompt #2) [5]

So Sabrina, the first thing I noticed about your essay is that it lacks the back story that will lead the reader to the ultimate audition that you participated in. The introduction lacks a sense of importance and urgency on your part. You need to make the admissions officers feel and understand why doing well in this audition was important to you. What were the underlying circumstances? Were you planning on a professional singing career in the future? You mentioned having an agent, are you on the look out for a record deal? Establish the reasons why you have an agent and why you felt compelled to attend this audition. Develop the hook that you feel will make the admissions officer interested in learning more about this story of yours and also, try to find a better title for the essay. Your current title is a good place holder, but not a very effective final title as it is too common in feel. It lacks impact. Remember, the title is the first thing that will make the admissions officer interested in what you have to say. The title is the first part of your introductory hook :-)

There is also a lack of clarity regarding the catalyst of the essay. Were you overcome by stage fright? Why did you forget the lyrics? Were you star struck by the judges? What were their comments? How did those comments affect you? You need to explain those things because you clearly state that this bad audition persuaded you to make changes in your life, but there is a lack of discussion about the reasons both personal and professional, that could have pushed you towards that decision. When you discuss the lessons you learned, make sure to indicate or offer examples relating to how that bad audition and the changes you made to yourself because of it have helped you become a person today. Let the admissions officer in on how you are now a better, self improved version of yourself today because of that failure. Then in conclusion, you can offer a hindsight point of view that perhaps says something about how you are thankful for that bad experience because if you had not failed, you would not have become the person you are today and oh, you just might audition again for The Voice in the future.

Remember, the key to making this an effective essay is to make sure that you deliver the following:

1. The importance of the event to you.
2. The reason you believe you failed.
3. How you overcame the failure and became a better person afterwards. This would be the lesson learned.

Tell the whole story behind the experience without regard for the word count in the drafting stages. You need to make sure that you get your point across completely. Edit the essay for word count as you revise the drafts. I don't care if you go over 650 words, as you edit the essay for content, you will find that you will start deleting unimportant parts and compressing parts that will eventually help you meet the word count. If you have any problems meeting it, we will be here to assist you with the editing of the essay if you want our help :-)

Graduate / Responsibility as a lifelong member of the Mendoza community - To ask more of business! [3]

Okay, here is the thing, the essay prompt is not asking you refer to a past business team work experience as a response to the question. Rather, it is asking you think forward. Imagining what the business world will already be like after you graduate and enter the workforce armed with this new knowledge. Consider the possible new business problems you may face at the time, develop a feasible scenario around it, then explain how you will deal with it. Solve the situation using the basis of


. The proper response to the essay requires you to address a business future where those character traits will be necessary to call upon in order to fairly resolve a business situation. Explain how you would approach dealing with your business community in the future should you be called upon by a situation to forget or violate those rules. How would you still be able to function and apply those traits in your regular business dealings? That is what the essay is asking you to respond to.

Undergraduate / Wrote about Trip to Italy, made me want to be independent.. Common app essay - Background story [6]

Wow! That is a very powerful statement that you developed back there. It actually helps improve the essay that you wrote a thousand times. You know what? You can actually delete your second and third paragraphs in favor of this one. The explanation and emotional attachment that is quite evident in this piece of writing did not exist in the first version that you wrote. I can sense that you did your best to connect yourself to the writing and allowed yourself to show a sheltered part of your sentiments in the process. Trust me, when you write as openly as this, the essay cannot help but improve. Here is what I would like you to do at the moment, place this paragraph in place of the second and third one while keeping an original copy of your first version. Now, read both versions. Compare the two and decide for yourself which version you prefer to use and wish to spend a bit more time improving. I will work with you on improving whichever version you opt to use :-)

Undergraduate / My best friend, whom I love dearly, felt ashamed of being himself. He admitted to me that he is gay. [2]

The essay contains a number of punctuation issues that you must address. I would like you to review the essay for comma placements and periods as right now, those two punctuation marks are necessary but not in use or visible in the essay. As for the content, You spent too much of the word count on discussing the way that you met your friend and his coming out, including his depression. The way that you hope to shed light upon the LGBT issues at American University practically became an after thought when it should have been the center of the essay. Revise the beginning of your essay to reflect a simple summary of the fact that your friend is gay. Then discuss how the community that the two of you move in accepted or rejected him as the reason behind your desire to shed light on their cause. Finally, present ideas about how you can use Active Minds to bring a spotlight upon their problems and how you hope the organization can help you solve or at least alleviate the problems the American University LGBT community must also face. I almost forgot, you also need to identify yourself as either heterosexual or a member of the LGBT community in order to give further strength and emotion to your written word. Refocusing the essay and presenting the necessary responses is the best way to revise the content of your paper. After that, we can review the paper again for grammar and punctuation errors that must be addressed and corrected.

Undergraduate / Family in Atlanta? Then upon research I discovered what an amazing institute Georgia tech is. [12]

That is a very nice addition to the statement response. Why don't you try to revise the essay by using that paragraph as your opening statement. It really has an effective hook that you should take advantage of by placing it in a more noticeable position within your written response. You can even revise the whole essay to better reflect the supporting reasons that you have for that particular statement of yours. Just change the content of the statement by using the response you wrote as your new template and everything related to your response should finally fall into place. If you end up in excess of the word count, don't worry, I will help you meet the word count requirement as soon as you post the revision here. Just tell me what word count you need to meet.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]

I see only one version of the essay posted in this thread. It is actually a version that can actually work in your favor. While still too long, I believe that you can already use it. How well it will be received by the admissions officers though is what I am not able to predict. I believe that you should delete the reference to the project that you participated in while in college in order to bring down the word count, tighten the essay, and focus the reader only upon the most important aspects of your statement of purpose. Without that college project paragraph, the essay feels like it flows better and leaves the reader better informed about your potential to succeed in this field sans and related work experience or education on your part.

Undergraduate / Wrote about Trip to Italy, made me want to be independent.. Common app essay - Background story [6]

The latter part of your essay deviated from the prompt and no longer built up the idea of your central identity development. It began to focus on the reasons that you feel you have to get away from your family instead. Never stray from the expected discussion. In this case, all you had to do was explain what you learned about yourself and an independent individual during your trip abroad and how even after returning home, you felt the need to cut the umbilical cord from your family in order to begin living your life. Clearly define the central identity that you came to discover during your trip. In this case, that would be the independent part of your personality and how it has helped you become a better person even though it sometimes means defying your family's dictates.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]

No. Not when it is not related at all to the masters course of studies that you are trying to gain admission to. Remember that you do not have a college background that will relate to the logical next step for your career. You are basically changing careers totally, and skipping returning to college in order to complete a related degree before you take masters studies in the process. Remember that you admitted yourself that you do not have the background to connect your masters interest with your college academics. So why use information that would just make the admissions officers wonder what you will be doing in the masters course or, even more importantly, make them question your ability to complete the course in the proper manner. Since you do not have a background in it among other shortcomings on your part for your admission to the line of study, you should downplay it as much as possible rather than highlight it. It will not be an asset to your statement of purpose. Believe me, it won't work. I already told you in the past that you need at least 2 years of RELATED professional experience before you apply to this line of study. You told me you don't have the background for it. I am trying to help you spin your statement of purpose into what might become an acceptable essay for the admissions officer given your lack of qualifications for admission. If you wish to really include your college information then so be it. I won't try to change your mind about it. I will just support you if you want to do that. Use the essay as it is, in its current form. If we follow your line of reasoning, then this essay is ready for submission.

Undergraduate / The key to a successful performance by a group depends largely on its dynamic and chemistry. [5]

You have made a good point of pointing out that soft spoken people and their opinions often go unnoticed in today's world. However, you should point out how the fact that people ignore you have affected your self esteem. Remember that you have to explain to the admissions officers about why this issue is important to you and one of the most important reasons will be the effect that the ignoring has upon your way of thinking or attempts at having yourself heard during the discussions. The fact that you learned to listen to other people because you are often ignored is not as important to this essay as the discussion of why this is important to you. I would not add any information that you got from research and psychologists in this essay because that deviates from the personal opinion that the essay requires. Try to keep all of your reasoning along the lines of a personal point of view. That is what the essay prompt requires after all.

Undergraduate / Write about your personal and education background and what you expect from a university education [4]

Hussain, you made a mistake in your essay prompt response. Rather than telling the admissions officer about the reasons why you have chosen to seek admittance into AUS, you should have been discussing what your idea of a college education is. That means you do not discuss the qualifications of the university but rather, your concept or notion of what a college education is all about. What do you feel you should learn during your four years of college? What subjects should the university offer which would tie into your idea of a balanced academic education? Surely there are some extra curricular activities that you expect to participate in at the university level, so let the reader know what those activities are. Basically, you should be able to relate exactly what you feel the correct college education for you will be like. You can base your response upon the information that you already know about the university, but you need to rephrase it in order to make the answer better suited to the prompt.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]

Omit all references to your college background. Your essay works best without it. At this point, we are trying to sell you as a possible candidate for graduate school based upon your work experience merits. Don't remind the admissions officers that you are not academically qualified for the masters course you are applying to. That portion of the essay also removes the impact that the earlier portions of your narrative created which, I might add, was quite beneficial to your application. Don't keep trying to insert your college education into this statement because, as you said, you did not finish a college course relevant to the masters degree you are applying to. Why would you want to lessen your chances for consideration by offering information that is not being asked for in the first place? Just present the purpose of your application, then, based upon the 4 guide questions I gave you earlier, cut down the length of your essay to only the most salient points that will work to your benefit. Again, remove the reference to your college education. That does not help your application in any way. Next, about the project that you discussed, you need to create a connection between the masters course you are taking and that project. Without the connection, the statement just does not make sense and only serves to clutter the page and confuse the reader.

Undergraduate / Duke's campus, combined with Gothic-style and Georgian-style architecture, is unparalleled in beauty [3]

Carli, your response to the prompt is too vague. Trying to touch on all the aspects of Duke that attracted you to apply to the university is not exactly the best way to respond to the prompt. The prompt itself is quite clear, you should have chosen only one aspect of Duke and built your essay upon that. If I were the one writing this essay, I would definitely have chosen to build upon the academic aspect of the response. Specifically, the chance to have lunch with Ms. Alberts as this would be in direct relation to my chosen major and, quite possibly, help to define my future career path. The proper response to the essay lies in the way that you would take advantage of the educational opportunities, both formal and informal, that Duke has to offer and how you feel it would benefit you. Those are the reasons or that is the reason why you chose to apply to Duke.

Undergraduate / Family in Atlanta? Then upon research I discovered what an amazing institute Georgia tech is. [12]

Like I said, don't be afraid to go over the word limit at the moment. Respond as best as you can, making reference to the aspects that you found information about within the Georgia Tech program of study. Did you rely solely on the student brochure and website for the information while you were researching? The reason I asked is because when I ran the keyword "aerospace engineering at Georgia Tech", not only did I come up with the department website at the university, but a host of Youtube, facebook, and news articles about the cutting edge offerings of the university also came up. So I suggest that you run the same keywords I used in Google, then look into every link that comes up in order to gather more usable information for your response. Go over the word count. Don't be afraid to do that. By limiting yourself to the word count immediately, you are also limiting your chances to give the best possible reply to the prompt that you can. The response you give can always be edited for word count, provided the essence of your response exists throughout the essay. I can help you with that situation once the response is finalized in content.

Undergraduate / Family in Atlanta? Then upon research I discovered what an amazing institute Georgia tech is. [12]

While it is good that you consider your personal needs in the response to the prompt, you could have actually done better and discussed some important aspects of the academic department of Georgia Tech that have piqued your interest. By now you have probably chosen your college major right? So talk about the facilities that Georgia Tech offers your college major, or important internships that can help you in the future. Make sure that the admissions officer will know how you plan to take full and total advantage of the learning facilities that Georgia Tech has to offer. That is what the prompt is asking you to explain, in 150 words or less. When you draft the essay again, go over the word count. Answer as truthfully as you can and then we can work on bringing the word count down to the acceptable level it needs to be.

Scholarship / The community where I live in right now is notorious for gang violence, especially for the youths. [3]

The question you should be asking yourself is this: What is my chosen career?" Once you have decided upon what your future career will be you will be able to analyze how your career relates to the influences in your community life. By doing so, you will see the clear connection between your career and what you can do for your community and beyond. Don't try to discuss the problems of your community and then try to relate the career to it. Reverse the discussion. Choose the career and then figure out how that career will help you solve your community problems and beyond. I actually did not read what kind of career you plan on pursuing in this version of the essay. I suggest that you lead with that in your next version and then work your way backwards. Sometimes, knowing what you want to be in life is the answer to the question " How can I make a difference in my community?" and "What does my community need help with?". You should be able to better focus your essay if you follow the format I am suggesting.

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

Yes, you need to focus the essay on only one situation so that you can properly develop the essay. Right now, trying to tell two stories at once tends to confuse the essay and your development of the central theme of the paper. I know it is difficult to choose the topic that you would like to best discuss because the stories you presented seem to carry equal weight. Of the two however, I believe that you should develop the language barrier story the most because that was the biggest obstacle that you had to overcome. It was only after beating that situation that you were able to further progress with your studies, which in turn led to the problem with Dysart. So my advice, is to discuss the root obstacle only because overcoming it enabled you to progress with your studies and improve your learning abilities.

Undergraduate / As a child my first favorite big word was paradox. The word offered both understanding and confusion [3]

What I gather from your essay is that you consider ignorance to be bliss. I guess that is a good thing. However, I am missing the development of your central identity in the essay. How did all of these life experiences combine within you to create the person you are today? More importantly, do you know who you are and how you reached this point in your life? What events and factors have led to this self realization? Don't waste your first two paragraphs with filler topics. You need to focus the essay on a single life defining event. Right now, the essay is quite wide in scope and does not really focus on developing a central identity for you. My advice, is to revise the essay to represent what you feel is your central identity and why you feel that is important and why. Perhaps it is the way that you dealt with having a single mother growing up, the influence of your grandparents, whatever the main reason for your identity development, discuss it as best as you can. Try to focus on only one reason so that the essay will not seem like it is trying to discuss one too many topics all at once.

Graduate / I am an undergraduate from Electrical background with 1.5 years of experience; Statement of purpose [21]

Omit the detailed description of your previous projects and how you accomplished the goals. Just mention that you were involved in such a project and what the outcome of the project was. Mention your participation in the project, but not in the method you have done so now. Your extremely detailed description of your participation in these projects have made the essay extremely long and redundant. Keep it simple. Name the project, what your role was, what the outcome was. For example," I participated as the battery operator in a simulated banana powered battery experiment which was conducted with successful results." That simple, that informative. This way you can provide and draw more attention to the future project that you wish to undertake. Detailing the method by which the university facilities will be able to help you achieve the best results in the process. Your drive and desire to attend the university should be brought up to an earlier part of the paragraph. Maybe the introduction or second paragraph. Wherever you feel it will work best. What is important, is that you give out that important information early within the essay, hopefully as part of the hook that you need to reel in the reader.

Undergraduate / "The beautiful diversity of multicultural enviroment" APU essay #1 [2]

The first part of your essay sounds a lot more like a student brochure selling you on the positive points of the university and why you should choose to study there. The essay responds to the prompt in a number of ways but misses the complete point of the essay. The complete point being, how you plan to approach your studies at the university since you are going to be a foreign student in a Japanese university. Speak of the program that you plan on majoring in and how you are looking forward to studying its related courses. Explain how you see yourself participating in the various student academic and social activities with the goal of immersing yourself in a cultural study of Japan and the way that foreigners adapt to the community. There is a lack of hypothetical ideas as to how you will approach your studies at the university because you have not chosen to discuss and concentrate upon the programs attached to the study of your major. A revision of the whole essay is in order because of those missing requirements. Once you address those needs specifically, you will be able to use the essay to your benefit as a student applicant.

Undergraduate / I close my eyes and see blue skies and luxuriant trees.I see sunlight and a sense of vitality... [3]

The Department of Medicine is the college department that houses the major that you want to enroll in. Therefore, it should not become a part of the programs that you will be looking forward to taking advantage of. Rather, point out some programs, internships, and activities within the college of medicine or beyond that you will want to take advantage of and explain why. Be specific and detailed. Right now, your essay has a very general, generic feel to it that does not really speak much about what you know of the university opportunities and programs that could keep you interested in the academic and social offerings of the university. Try to revise the essay to become more detailed and specific in the information you provide in order to provide the admissions officers with a better idea of the reasons you wish to join their student community. It will also show you well you may be able to fit into the campus lifestyle they offer.

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

Kezzo, kindly review your essay for tense usage. You are writing an essay about events that occurred in the past. Yet you have a mix of past and present tense usage in the sentences. Please revise the sentences to ensure that the reflection of the statements are only in past tense as that is the proper tense usage for this essay narrative. You should also separate the topic paragraphs clearly. At the moment, the paragraphs seem to be mixed into one long paragraph which makes it difficult to read and does not prepare the reader very well for the topic changes in the paragraphs. Try to explain the lessons that you learned from every obstacle at the end of the related paragraph before finally closing the essay with the collective single lesson that all of the combined situations provided you. That will make the essay feel better thought-out and developed. This is definitely a better version of the first one but can use some more editing to bring down the word count so that you can provide more detailed explanations of the areas I pointed out. Review the essay and from your personal choices, choose which portions you think you can omit in order to further improve the essay. Let me know if you have a problem with that so that I can offer some suggestions regarding which portions to omit :-)

Undergraduate / I had few matchpoints. How I met a failure in my tennis career [3]

Your essay comes across as very self-centric and shows the bruising of your ego very well. Letting the admissions officers know that you worked hard to better your game after each failure is also a good touch as it shows resiliency on your part. However, there is a lack of intellectual and moral maturity in the development of your essay. After every game loss / failure, surely there was a lesson you learned, possibly about humility or the importance of sportsmanship. These are the important character building elements that are developed by a sports person through his experience in playing his sport of choice. Try to develop these aspects. Explain the lessons that you learned with every failure because that is how you learn to accept and deal with failure / loss after each tournament. Lessen the discussion about all of the competitions you played in as Reza pointed out. The unspoken part of this prompt is that you need to explain the lessons that you learned from these failures and how you developed as a person from those life lessons. Address those points in order to better develop your essay theme and discussion.

Letters / When I was born, my dad has founded his computer based company called ''Intuis Computers'' [4]

A motivational letter is still formatted as a regular academic essay, not as a formal letter addressed to a particular person or body. So that is a formatting problem that you need to address. Your motivation is clearly the only topic that needs to be discussed in this essay. Remember, you are not writing a personal statement or a statement of purpose. What the admissions officer needs to read about is the motivation or foundation for your desire to major in computer studies. What were the influences in your life that led you this point? That said, discussing every detail of your high school education not related to your interest in computers becomes irrelevant. Try to focus your attention on the way your father's company influenced your desire to pursue this major. You don't have to write a detailed CV in this letter because you have other documents and common app essays submitted that will provide that information to the admissions officer in greater detail. Focus the content of your essay and complete the theme that you wish this motivational letter to deliver. Build up your motivation for this major. That is what works best for this type of essay.

Undergraduate / Imagination - lazing around or dozing off at my grandmother's home [4]

While it is alright for you to describe an abstract place in this type of essay, it must be based upon an actual truth on your part. The essay is asking you reveal a part of your personality through the prompt. So suddenly telling the admissions officer at the end of it all that you just made up the information will not work in your favor. Mostly because you did not properly address the prompt and you obviously did not take the requirement seriously. My advice is this, tell the reader at the start that the place or environment you feel most comfortable in is your imagination. Then explain why it is that way for you. By telling the truth from the start, you will have used an abstract idea to respond properly to the prompt. From this abstract response, you can then use the stories about your grandmother's house, the concert, and other activities that take place in your mind which results in a clear sense of contentment for you. Remember, it is not good to save the truth for the end, that may work negatively towards your application. Yet, by revising the way that you wrote the paper, you just might be able to use the abstract idea of your imagination as the place where you feel most content to your benefit. Give it a try, revise the essay. I am sure you will sense the difference in the way it may be received by the admissions officer.

Undergraduate / Why Colgate - academic programs and diverse community [8]

Sam, here is a 192 version of your essay. I took the liberty of editing the content to make it shorter and more representative of the prompt requirements. I hope you don't mind.

I am drawn by the unique courses on offer by Colgate's economics program as they provide an insight to global and modern topics that are most relevant to economists today. Niche courses such at The Japanese Economy and The London Economics Study Group will offer me an opportunity to gain valuable insight into the economic forces governing the global economic hub. Coupled with an internship either in New York or London as only Colgate University can help me attain, I am sure that my international working experience will be off to a good start.

I would like to continue exploring my passion in volunteering in universityby patticipating as a tutor voounteer at COVE. With COVE's generous support and grants, I am also eager to spearhead the expansion of the tutoring programs to more schools, making a positive impact on lives in Hamilton and beyond.

Among Colgate's diverse and tight-knit student community, I will be able to comfortably engage in an environment where different perspectives are shared and valued. This will cultivate in me the skills to learn with an open mind and develop personal maturity during my four years in Colgate.

As always, you can either use this version for your application or you can use it as a template for your own version. You decide upon what works best for you :-)

Undergraduate / When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change [2]

Camila, you need not constantly introduce yourself in every common essay prompt that you write. You are not writing a legal document, you are writing an academic essay and believe me, the admissions officer already knows you are because the attached documents and forms tell him exactly who he is reading about. Saying your name at the start of every essay is not an effective hook. It does not serve a definite purpose that could help advance or enhance the content of the essay either. Delete the start of this essay and instead, set up the scene inside the chancellery for us. What was is like as you stepped into the hall? How did you feel? What were your misgivings? What were you excited about? Those as the things you have to say which may create an interesting hook for the reader, compelling them to read more about your experience in this arena.

This is all about a central identity story and using the MUN as a platform is something unique. What you need to do at this moment is build upon that identity that you have come to realize you have. Tell us how you became socially inclined through your experience at the MUN. What solutions did you personally develop and how was it received by the committee? Are these the reasons why you became socially conscious? What were you like in terms of socio-civic mindedness prior to your MUN exposure? Show us who you were before so that we can understand why the MUN experience helped shape a new identity for you as a person. That is an idea that is rather under-developed in your current version.

Graduate / I was fifteen when I first used a Computer - Personal Statement for MBA - Southampton [4]

Garrick, when you apply for a masters degree, it is important that you concentrate solely on the discussion of your current abilities, immediate and recent training experiences, as well as a simple discussion of your college background and the reasons that you feel you need to undertake higher studies in this field of interest. I can see from your narrative that you have ample current computer experience to not warrant a discussion that goes all the way back to the time you were fifteen and the first time that you used a computer. Don't even discuss the time you spend working at the start up. As you are currently working in a related position, I believe that your essay will benefit from a discussion of your current work position and how your chosen masters course will help you benefit from that exposure. Normally, a person looking towards a masters degree has at least a years worth of professional work experience in a related field. From what I have read, you have more than that years of experience under your belt. What is impressive is that you amassed the related knowledge while still being a student. So you definitely have a notable application here. You just need to shorten it and focus on your most recent experience as relevant to your masters degree. Don't forget to offer a paragraph relating to your short and long term goals upon completing your masters degree and explain how the university can be of assistance to you in this quest.

Undergraduate / "One never stops learning until one dies" USC academic interests essay by "Undeclared" major student [5]

It my understanding from the prompt requirements that you must and have to present at least 2 possible course majors that you wish to take in the realm that interests your the most. While your essay proves to be an interesting read, it does not really tell us what your possible majors are. Normally a student is torn between a number of majors in his field of interest. In your case, you spent a great deal of time detailing your experience at Pricewaterhouse so I suggest that you present a discussion of your two possible business majors. Your possible majors stem anywhere from Business Administration to Economics, both of which, you were surely exposed to during that time interning at the company. As an "undeclared" major, you are just not sure about what major you want to take, your field of interest however, should be clearly defined. That will make it easier to expand in a way upon your possible "Jack of all trades, master of none" discussion as an "undecided" major by giving it at the very least, a centered field of interest and making it easier for the admissions officer to understand where your possible career might be headed as a future USC student.

Undergraduate / Why Colgate - academic programs and diverse community [8]

I always tell the students who write these sorts of essays to never bother with meeting the word count when working on the draft of the essay. Why do I tell them to do that? By constantly striving to stay within the word count, the essay suffers in terms of content and accuracy. You are unable to properly express yourself, your desires, and cannot communicate your reasons for choosing this particular university to the best extent. Forget the word count for now. Just develop the essay as best as you can, paying attention to grammatical errors and sentence structure as you do so. I always work with the student to accurately bring down the word count once the essence of the response has been finalized. I would like you to do the same thing. You know what information the essay requires, expand upon it. When you have satisfied the prompt in the long form, I will then step in and help you bring down the word count.

This essay version contains a number of improvements over the first but is still wanting in the sense of clearly explaining how you plan to benefit from the opportunities offered by Colgate. Respond in the long form and then post it here. We can work on properly reducing the word count while getting your message and response clearly across :-)