Undergraduate / Trinity College essay (how will u free the mind of prejudice) [2]

I even disliked foreigners because...

...I discovered many things, of which I had known little.

The colorful new land opened its gate to me and said, "Wel come to my world!"

...as well as world and life views, coming from our different educational backgrounds,...

...at the same time he would try correcting my not that standard pronunciation and beg me to teach him Mandarin.

Little by little, I grew from being a biased and alienated kid, into a mature boy open to new cultures.

...and know Chinese culture and customs much better than those of other countries...

The mixture of different cultures is just like countless little fragments(?) in a kaleidoscope.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Television has changed the way children spend their leisure time. [5]

Nowadays, watching TV has become a common hobby among with most of the people, from children to the elderly .

Children start watching TV after long days of studying .

There are a lot of TV programs which are tailor-made to meet...

Also some social and emotional skills can be improved such as helping to others and respecting the elderly.

On the other hand, if TV watching becomes a habit,...

Also this type of indoor hobbyis the source of high blood pressure...

It has been often said that watching scary programs are ...

... TV-watching should not be prevented completely ...

Undergraduate / Accountancy as my major, UIUC essay~ Academic Interest and professional goals. [3]

If you need to stay under the word count, you could take out the first sentence of the second paragraph without hurting the essay. Here are a few things I found to fix;

After doing a lot of research...

Though I want to study a math-related course, I don't want my life to just be buried under mountains of numbers .

Being an accountant requires staying alert and being a life-long learner.

Accountants needs to work closely...

I believe I will receive a promising education...

Undergraduate / Need Help on Personal Essay (supplement for Columbia) [7]

Your essay is interesting and you're a very good writer. I enjoyed reading it. Here are a few minor things;

For a while, she had wanted to visit for nostalgic reasons .

The first room, where my mom and her family of five had lived, was a space the size of my bedroom.

He made a cup with his hands and lowered onto one knee,..

...downtown Toronto is within walking distance from my house.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

Thank you for helping others here on the forum!

EverSince I was young , I have always been fascinated ...

A determining factor that has influenced my decision to study Biology and Chemistry,was when I first...

After further research, I have found out that although there are theories,..

I believe these courses can help deepen my understanding of hereditary conditions and genetic treatments, two topics that intrigues me deeply.

Inspired by my sisters spirit and hoping to contribute in the area of genetics and diseases, I have no doubt that pursuing Biology and Chemistry at Johns Hopkins University ...this sentence needs an ending.

Undergraduate / Parasailing accident- commonapp essay [3]

Thank you for the help you've been giving others with their essays! I really like the way you write;
The splash must have been as spectacular as it was painful but I cannot remember it.
At that moment all I wished was for this moment to go on endlessly.

I told him I was not interested and fell back in my procrastinating way .

"Are you scared?" he asked.

He then explained the safety procedures and told me that my maneuvering abilities would not be called upon during the ride.This is great writing.

...was akin to falling from a four story building onto cement.

...twice as high, even if that means I will have twice as many broken limbs.

Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement essay - College of Agriculture & Life Sciences; Animal Sci [2]

I noticed you've been helping others here with their essays, thank you!

My passion for all things equine - and my lack of all things monetary - led me to pursue jobs in stables, tending and riding the horses.This is great writing!

I think you should write a little about the school in the last paragraph, like what is it about Cornell that makes you feel that your passion will stay strong even when you are back to using textbooks?

Undergraduate / Duke University Engineering Essay [4]

How would you feel about cutting out the last sentence? It sounds sort of high schoolish. The sentence next to last should say the name of the school instead of the town.

Your essay is well written and interesting all the way through. Here are a few fixes;

In my rather understandable ignorance, modern technology took on a magical quality.

Technology is no longer magic to me in the sense that things seem to work for no reason.

Undergraduate / Research Plans at UNC [2]

When my mother had told me what was happening,...

"Hi pumpkin!" she would say as I stepped through her door.

"Marlene?" my grandmother would ask, as my mother and I would walk into her room.

All I wanted was to see my grandmother the way she was before Alzheimer's had taken everything.This is powerful writing!

As the years have passed I have begun to realize not only ...

My dream is to one day be a medical researcher who cures diseases, so no one has to experience the same pain I have endured.

Your ending is heartfelt and very good writing. Good essay!

Undergraduate / Unlimited learning - stanford supplement essay (why stanford?) [5]

I see you've been helping others with their essays, thank you!

To some, the cardinal color is simply a hue that represents Stanford University. But To me, it is much more than that.

It is a symbol that holds a myriad of hues.

...in their career choices but to extensively explore the world of which they are denizens. of.

...inside the walls of a classroom or the Meyer Lib rary.

...converse on the verdant landscape of the campus, debate as while biking to their...

This is where I will be able to quench my desire to explore the past, present and future.The past, present and future of what? This seems out of place here.

Undergraduate / "life is not promised" - FAMU essay . no longer than 500 words. prompt below [2]

Without family, many people seem to make simple blunders in life that could have been easily avoided through the guidance of a loved one, and this is exactly...

My family life has helped mold the characteristics...

LikeI've lived in Alaska, Florida, Arizona, and I was born in Germany.

In all actuality I feel as if I'm more of an open - minded person as a result of it.

Without my mom, I definitely would not be half of the person ...

...personality is that I live every day to its fullest because life is not promised.

It took me a while to learn this...

My grandmother was died when I was 15, but even in her dying days she was still incredible.

Undergraduate / Minh waker! Soccer player with piano [7]

I like your essay so much, your personality shines through and shows what a strong, dedicated, interesting student you are.

Yeah, congratulations !

I stand trembling on the stage. It is the first time I have played the piano in front of hundreds of people.

I was not familiar with being criticized, failure.

I couldn't believe how I would be if I didn't spend half of the day outside my home.

Why must I suffer from this shamefulness?

Wherever I went, anybody stared at me.Were they staring at you because you were the only girl who could not play the piano well?

Both soccer and the piano player exist for me in a harmonious way.

Undergraduate / The Discoveries of Technology - Supplement Essay for CMU [4]

...that old-fashioned keyboard was when I started to become fond of computers.

I was so eager and impatient to discover new things, that I even challenged myself,...

...and somehow managed to make them function them on my own.

I even started using different systems, which was when I started to realize that my true goal is...

OutOf all the different colleges I looked at, I chose Carnegie Mellon University...

Not only did I like it but also I was very inspired and amazed at how students there worked together, creating this program and letting other people use it publicly.

Undergraduate / John Hopkins Essay - Chemistry, The Combustion Reaction of My Knowledge [2]

While she continued to fill our minds with more cute analogies, and other students turned their attention to doodling, I continued to become fascinated through learning more and more elements affiliated with Chemistry.

Pursuing a major in Chemistry will aid in quenching my comprehension of the vast fundamentals in accordance to the subject.I really hate this sentence! It will sound so much better if you simplify.

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement - what motivated you to come to Rice? [4]

I noticed you've been helping others here at Essay Forum, thank you!!

...I only became more motivated into considering the institution as the gateway to my next four years of quality intellect and wisdom. Maybe you should change these words to 'education' and '?' Because hopefully, your intellect and wisdom will last more than four years!

Furthermore, Rice's prestigious Pre-Med program only reinforces my belief that my dreams of becoming...

Undergraduate / Accounting - my reasons of transferring to State University [5]

Your essay is looking great, but here are a few fixes and suggestions;

You don't need that first sentence, they know why you are going to write this! I think your essay should start here;

I began my professional...

...full time undergraduate student, majoring in Business Administration.

...after one year in university, I found that it would be better off for me to work and pursue my educational goal at the same time.

My education was further delayed due to the disabilities of my husband, who was injured while serving in the US Armed F orces.

...and went to school part time in order for me to continue pursuing my educational goal.

...looking for, as well as becoming certified as a Certified Public Accountant (CPA).

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "growing in countryside vs big cities..." [2]

Hello! I noticed you've been helping a lot of people with their essays, thank you!

Some people believe that small town living has its own benefits, such as fresh air and having quite places, so it is better for children to grow up there.

whileOthers think big cities are the best...

... although good schools may beare found...

...affirm that kids who grew up in big cities are often erudite due to the better educational occasions . maybe facilities here? or opportunities?

Learning communication skills is also the other causes motivating me...

... a lot of problems at the beginning of first semester, when he was faced with a group...

To wrap things up, In conclusion, I believe that...

Undergraduate / 'Research into rare medicinal herbs' - Why Franklin and marshall college? [8]

You should insert that first sentence into the first paragraph, telling what your guidance counselor told you about it and why.

Then I began searching for colleges that best suited my relevance . This just doesn't sound right, perhaps, "..best suited my academic needs or requirements?

During my high school, I researched on medical and socio-economic importance of a rare...

Furthermore, it opens doors to a wide range...

I too, want to be the part of such intellectual and unique...

...best prepared to take responsibility for not only my community but my nation as well.

Writing Feedback / How computers have affected the way we work today vs. 100 years ago - CLEP [3]

Health informatics have become an increasingly relied upon method...

It helps to keep patients records accurately and

To communicate among and between medical facilities...

Computers are widely used in the banking industry, from simple to complex tasks and have revolutionised the whole system.

Computers in the office world have become a necessity and an aid tool in many different aspects.

The educational system as well, has been greatly affected by computers.

Previously students spent hours in the library...

You didn't write anything about 100 years ago. Maybe you should as a contrast?

Undergraduate / My application essay on Babysitting. [4]

Your essay is thoughtful and interesting, very insightful! (..."as if he were my own, giving him more of my time, energy and attention without ever feeling like I've given him enough.

Here are a few things to fix;

...check here for sunkeness: a sign of either dehydration or infection. I don't think sunkeness is a word.

This has challenged me to try uncomplicating my lifestyle as I seek a more fulfilling life.

Because I have to, I now hold these two dear as fundamental virtues.

I now appreciate how much I depend on God for my...

Undergraduate / Sparked (a personal change from adolescence to maturity) - common app essay [4]

I noticed you've been helping others here, thank you!

In the corner, there was my computer, still logged into MySpace.

My bed was unmade, yet I barely slept - for how could I have dreams?I don't understand this.

Is the point you are trying to make, the fact that the fire caused you to mature? Did you have to work two jobs because of it?

...book on quantum physics lies open, and micro particles seem much more interesting than Microsoft.

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplement - Why Northwestern? [4]

Your essay is shaping up nicely! Here are a few things to change;

I have lived in three different countries...

I can only imagine how incredible it would be to work alongside with prominent researchers...

The reason why I prefer to never stay in one place for too long...

My own travels have shaped me into someone who unwaveringly seeks the next frontier.

I anticipate with eagerness, marking my territory on the Rock.

Undergraduate / Common App: Person who has influenced you (Ms.Young) [2]

You should mention Ms. Young in your first paragraph.

Before I became her student, there were some serious flaws in my approach to art.

It was worse for me because...

Not surprisingly, I never improved. I became egotistical. Art was just replication, and I excelled at it.This is great!

During the first week, she would teach me more than I'dlearned in all the...

Cool colors and warm colors with different moods. This sentence is incomplete.

For the first time, we were looking through the lenses of Monet and Van Gogh.

I spent two years under the guidance..

Nice tribute to your art teacher!

Undergraduate / 'different cultural background' - Equity and community-Lehigh supplement [5]

Nice essay, I like your last sentence. Here are some suggestions;

A community is always a group of persons having common interest or goals and equity that refers to the power entrusted to each person in the community so that he or she can help their community overcome difficult situations and problems. For the sake of clarity, you should break this into two sentences.

...can thrive and survive? any testing circumstances.

Furthermore, each person in the community should be treated as equal...

...no matter what their status or religion may be .

Such kind of communities...

Undergraduate / Undergraduate admissionto KU :Self description and Study plan essay [3]

She also told me that I was a curious and active child. With...

As I've dedicated plenty of my free time to ...

...every time I feel like giving up, I'm constantly reminded of my ...
... and have pulled me through my wea knesses, setbacks and failures.

-----

EverSince the late 80s and early

Upon graduating primary school, my parents and I decided that I would join a public junior high school renowned for...

Last summer vacation, I joined an English summer course at the American English Center. I liked...

...as I become more independent and responsible. I would like...

-----
...language I have been able to learn it,due to my profound ...

...I was successful in learning Japanese to a reasonable communication level,...

Letters / autobiography/ why you want the job (summer adventure camp) [5]

I would start with,"For the past five years, I've been involved with Camp ...", then tell the part about the search and rescue and the rest of that paragraph.

My name is Jereme Carpe*ter you say it like it was spelled with a Y, but my Cherokee name is Snipe, just like the bird that's hard to shot.

I live in upper b****s county.
I play the flute, I'm learning to play the mandolin, and I'm teaching myself Spanish.
I sometimes I think I was meant to to this like the sun was meant to shine. Have you ever had a sensation like you were meant to do something in life? I can feel it in side me.

I've ran the Gods C ounty marathon...

I think working with children is can be like fighting fires:..

To succeed at either...

Graduate / Personal statement for Petroleum Engineering masters program at UTA [2]

Good essay, and I like your ending. Here are a few things to fix;

Chemical Engineering kindled the enthusiasm in me to try and contribute my part in protecting (?) the environment.

It is this dream that has been the driving force behind my decision ...

The "donkey" pump on the way to my school...You should tell what a "donkey pump" is.

...environment in the Oil & Gas sector to know for sure that my heart was in the right place...

be it securing my position as the best outgoing student...

...technical journal, my pride filled my heart with a sense of desire...

Undergraduate / Melinda's condition led to my interest in science; Why I choose Bioengineering. [7]

Your essay is very interesting and sweet. Here are a few fixes;

...but when Melinda was on my team we always seemed to lose.

I did not know at the time that Melinda suffered from a heart problem.

She told me about it one day when she found out her mom was being sent off to war.

Truthfully, I felt a great weight had been lifted, as I would have started to cry soon, along with her, if she had not stopped.

This is why I have chosen a career in engineering.

Undergraduate / Why Middlebury-why do you choose environmental study and Middlebury [2]

A chemical factory was set up nearby and slowly, the pristine river became feculent; beautiful

I really hoped to stop my beloved river from deterioration, but with little knowledge about environmental science,...

Because of this interest,...

Believing that so many factories would certainly influence the local environment to some extent,...

Realizing the seriousness of the environmental condition in Suzhou,...

... trigger my desire to explore more in the field of environmental studies .

Numerous field study locations, from Champlain ...

...I was amazed by the environmental activism of ...

Undergraduate / Notre Dame Supplement Essay--Make a difference [3]

Here's all I could find;

Unfortunately, there is no such law.

In the flat world where literally no secrets can be kept, how do people retain their uniqueness...

... facing an already solved math questions, and figuring out new ways to solve them?

Is it rushing into the bookstore, carrying back numbers of books on...

I know there will always people topick up where I left off, but I can always remain a little bit ahead.

As all knowledge is going to somehow be applied in real world situations, it is impossible...
Further, my inclination towards perfection develops...

Undergraduate / MMSS program, Why Northwestern? [3]

Wow, great essay! Here are a few things I found though;

Along with adequate financial support that I had already had anticipated before , the statistical t-distribution of figures obtained showed an interesting result.

One major factor was that Australian parents put an infinite amount of effort into protecting their children from diseases, ...

Enthusiastically studying interviews and analyzing the results, I felt I was meant to delve into economics, to ferret out the true forces that lead to individuals' decisions that affect society as a whole, like the responsibility shown by Australian parents.

Studying both economics and mathematics during high school, I have been troubled over how to give balance on two fields of study.

Undergraduate / Princeton Summers (or vacations between school years) [3]

Hmm, this essay made me kind of sad. I realized you've done more in two summers than I have done in my whole life! Compared to the way you spend your summers, school must be restful and possibly boring! I could not find one thing to suggest or correct.

Undergraduate / A European Experiment in Intolerance [9]

Your essay is amazing and quite an eye opener. I could not find one thing to correct or suggest, as it is extremely well written, set up perfectly, interesting all the way through, thoughtful and informative. This belongs in Time Magazine, not Essay Forum!

Undergraduate / Rice Perspective Essay - elderly tennis stars. [6]

Oh, I noticed how helpful you have been to others here and I wanted to make many corrections for you and offer advice, but seriously, this essay is awesome! I could not find one thing to suggest or correct, and you are SUCH a good writer! I was hooked by the first paragraph, and it was interesting all the way through. I had to wonder and hope that your major is in creative writing, as this may be your calling. Thank you for being so helpful to other students. Good luck in school, though I don't think you'll need it.

Undergraduate / Columbia essay (conveys to the reader a sense of who you are) [7]

Wow, great first paragraph!

Here are a few small things I found;

Ahead of me were summer nights spent fretting over embarking in a ...

During my first week of school, I spent my lunch hour hiding in the library, ...

It is a completely different terrain in Arizona, one hard for a high school student to become familiar with, to truly feel at home.

Some days, I wonder what my life would have been like back in Texas,...

Undergraduate / BU Supplement Base; Leadership, Service, and Congeniality [3]

Make sure to mention the three words in the paragraphs they belong in! Here are a few minor things;

As a Peer Leader, President of National Honor Society, Key Club, and Class of 2010, and captain of the varsity...

...School for the Deaf and volunteered our time to do numerous activities with the children. To see the joy of life on each and every one of their faces ...

From my experiences with the fan group, my involvementwith school was brought to a new level.

From that point on, I was inspired to run for class president each year...

Undergraduate / 2 MIT short essays about hobby and department preference [5]

Hello! Thank you for helping others here at Essay Forum! I don't know why your posts have been deleted, perhaps the titles were not descriptive enough?

My greatest hobby is teaching math to freshman students.

Like I did at their age, they come to math class to get medals and to become the elite of our school.

Therefore I always remind them of the consequences of doing...

I wanted them not to repeat my mistakes of losing my best friend. I hope that they will understand the purpose of competitions earlier than I did...(100 words)

Prompt 2:

I realized the answer to this question after a lecture by Terence Tao on prime numbers at IMO-2009.

I always was interested in mysterious objects...

By learning more about these subjects I will be shed light on the most mysterious things in the world.(100 words)

Undergraduate / Best piece of advice: "never, never, never give up" (Eleanor Roosevelt) [4]

Hello! If you are going to offer help to people n this forum, please offer more than a few words. The more help you give, the more you'll receive.

It flows out from my mother like a whisper that needs to be repeated and is, on those type of days that we all experience.This sentence does not make sense to me, seems incomplete.

This important code of words has been transcribed...

... when I need to follow it most.

"Each of us has much more hidden inside us than we have had a chance to explore. Unless we create an environment that enables us to discover the limits of our potential, we will never know what we have inside of us" (Mahammad Yunus) which is why we must, "never, never, never give up."(Eleanor Roosevelt)You're saying that someone combined these two quotes and offered it to you as advise?

What exactly was the advice, and who gave it to you?

Writing Feedback / Correct my writing (IELTS Task1: Describe chart about USA marriage and divorce rates) [3]

The bar charts describe the number of marriages and divorces of people in the USA betweenthe years 1970 to 2000, and the number of adult Americans in term of their marital status from 1970 to 2000.

...it can be clearly seen that the number of couples who married was approximatelytwice that of the couples who divorced.

The number of marriages was 2.5 millions people in 1970 and maintained the same level at 2.5 millions people in 1980. After that it decreased steadily to 2 millions people in 2000.

The second bar chart illustrates the percentage of married adults' American status from 1970 to 2000.

That was the major portion of American citizens.

Undergraduate / Art Institute of Charleston [2]

I believe that pursuing a career in graphic design will provide me with such a job.

I am a hands-on learner and will benefit greatly from the direct experience in the...

In addition, the way that the courses at the AI are so focused on each ...

My commitment to my education is fueled by my passion for art and design.

In the last paragraph, you might add the word perseverance, as that would make clearer what you are saying.
Good luck in school!