Undergraduate / What Can and Cannot Be Changed- Essay [4]

So Who could fathom that it would take a name change to realize I had no power over my environment, but complete control over my perspective?

... both my knees out of excitement during my first few hours away from my mundane life at home.

At the time , I thought my problems were solved,...

They continued to alter it for their own benefit, and when Disney came out with Mulan, I was done for.This is such a great sentence!!

"You say it like this: 'Hey, I wanna mow yuh lawn.'" This is so great! I love the way you write, and also your name is very cool.

Essays / Essay for Silence of the Lambs (the movie), gender roles [2]

Sometimes the best way to start formng your own unique analysis of a work of art, including literary of cinematic art, is to look at other people's analysis to get you started: honefoss.vgs.no/AF/Info/nattsv%20analyse.htm.

Google the title with the word theme or analysis, and read lots of people's ideas... when you reflect on those ideas, type a few paragraphs about each pont that s made, and then categorize your paragraphs according to the parts of this outline.

It can be fun, because analysis is a way of appreciating great works of art. Even though this s "school work," it s also focused on art, which is all about enjoyment.

Writing Feedback / Technology developments kill the traditional skills and ways o living. [4]

...technological developments in a country are the main reason for the traditional skills and ways of life to die out, and it has become pointless to try and keep them alive. I so very agree with the statement .

In my opinion, we can verify the statement by taking a look at a former ...

... before 20years ago, when the technology was very primitive and not yet developed , people clung to there traditions.

...and actually it has become very unusual to see people gathering around to revive their traditions or to pass any of them to their young ones.

I think it is really depressing that with each day passes by it becomes even more difficult to try to keep or revive our traditions and that it is believed that it is pointless to even try to hold on to any of them.

...we can keep on developing technology and still keep our traditions and our ways of living alive.

Undergraduate / Difficult Adversity Essay, "each of these patients helps me grow professionally" [3]

Your essay is going well, but I did find a few things;

...at first glance it seemed like all the other rooms with plain white walls, a medium blue curtain that divided the room and a window with a view of the parking lot. Only the person in the bed was different...different from what?? This needs to be revised for clarity, as it seems like you're saying she was different from white walls and blue curtains. Different from the other patients?

After that experience I spent many days reflecting on whether becoming a doctor was really my dream.

...I was able to connect with Dorothy and formed a strong friendship with her, but I cannot.

Poetry / Poetry analysis paper (Academy of American Poets). Where to start? [2]

Google the Academy of American Poets and choose two poems, maybe two by the same poet, or two poems about a similar subject but by different authors. Then google the title of each poem with the word analysis, and check out what other people had to say about them. That should get your wheels turning...good luck!

Undergraduate / "intrigued by the human brain" - Common App Prompt #1 [4]

Your topic sentences are great for leading the reader through the essay. You do need to add another sentence at the end of your first paragraph though, to support the idea of having to reconcile your interest in the brain with your distaste for animal testing.

After my first high school psychology class, I became intrigued by the human brain.
How does this sound?It was during my first high school psychology class, that I became intrigued by the human brain.

...that animals feel pain and fear at least somewhat similarly to the way humans do .

Undergraduate / Ms. Eun's Lecture: Purdue essay [2]

Entering the middle school, I was scared because of the pressure to get good grades.

...since they had high expectations of me.

To improve your skill or scores, you should put in more time and work hard just like a caterpillar.

I have remembered this lecture whenever I am tired of keep working and want to give up.

... Korea, since getting used toa new culture and school was very difficult for me.

Without it, I would not have moved up to concert band, because the audition was competitive and I was the only player who had just started learning the oboe.

You play the oboe? I love the oboe!

Undergraduate / Economical stress, lack of jobs - California University help [2]

Economical stress, the lack of jobs in my family, caring teachers,

My friends would always motivate me when I was about to quit on something, because they know what I am capable of.

My family has always had economical problems, since my father hasn't been able to...

Since I have always had moral support from many sources, it is my duty to show everyone ...

There has not been one time where I have needed a teachers help and I have not received it.

...all the way to Sacramento and back, just so I could go get the car.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- The Day that Changed it All! [4]

I only found a few small things, your essay is great!

I finally realized the potential I had to positively change the lives of others .

... active role in helping the community by volunteering at the senior center.

The feeling I got from helping people who were alone, paralleled the way I felt...

...shield them from becoming irrational.I think a word more having to do with depression would be better here.

...comfortable so that they could have an optimistic outlook, and something to look forward to.

What may have seemed like a small experience at the time, has led to ever-lasting effects on my character.

It changed my perception of the lives of the less fortunate...

Undergraduate / 'No Playstation or skateboard' - Independent Engineering UC Prompt #1 [2]

Your essay is great! I only found these few things;

This was the first time I had made anything that had dealt with electricity, before and I was excited.

Soon after, my garage was left with...

...regardless of how busy she is, to come and share...

...she has been there to encourage me and my dreams, through the thick and thin.

Undergraduate / Princeton Summer Essay- "I like being busy" [3]

...and forced my dad to have to give me rides into town.

...vowed never to let a summer be wasted like that again.

You should make the following sentence into two.

Being a firm believer in the phrase "work hard, play hard", I took two public speaking classes at the local community college and I continued to work with the Parks and Recreation department./

butI also made sure I was still able to go to the beach and hang out with my friends.

This is really great, you're an excellent writer. Very interesting all the way through, and it shows you not only don't waste time, but you waste no words either!

Undergraduate / "The Greatest Gift" - Personal Statement/ Choice of Major Essay [2]

Most eleven year old children want the latest toy or video game ,...

My love of computers and technology only began there, and after building the computer on my own, I now had ...

My love of, and ...
Since the age of eleven until now I havealreadybeen doing all of these things simply for fun and satisfaction of my own intuition.

The following sentence might be better broken into two sentences;
As a college applicant I am a flag bearer of change for the generation after mine., and I plan to use Information Technology as the agent of that change by continuing my education and applying what I have learned to helping others do the same.

Undergraduate / Common app essay! "political science" [2]

...I have inherited a unique perspective towards the world that has shaped my life ...

It changed my view of the world, from being a wonderful place to one with harsh realities. of the world.

At the same time, I began hearing of depressing subjects , from poverty to murders.

I soon realized that with politics, it is possible to solve problems at the domestic, and international levels .

...became a fascination to me and made me realize that reactions and interactions of government could affect humanity.

Ever Since I realized these possibilities, I've developed a deep and abiding love for politics.

The high quality of education in the School of Arts and Sciences would allow me to expand my interests and further explore related fields in government in a rural environment.

My purpose in life is to change the pattern of this world for the better, and inspire others.

Graduate / Reviewing LOR for my student in computer science [4]

...the best example of his intelligence shone through in a paper on usage of ZZZ in PPP under my supervision.

For instance, although he did not have any specific course on the ZZZ subject; he could conduct his paper with a minimum of guidance both in theory and implementation.

He was capable of facing new challenges as the team coordinator in international RRR competitions where he was responsible enough to interview with applicants in robotic lab, and training junior members for a contest.

It is worth mentioning that he was graduated as valedictorian student in 2007 among more than 100 undergraduate students.

Furthermore, I was also one of the referees for his B.Sc. thesis "KKK" presentation where it was approved by the referees with A+ score.

Despite all previous researches on KKK, XXX's highly -motivation made him come up with new ideas on the KKK solvers.

Undergraduate / Rice Prompt Supplemental: Suggestions would be appreciated/am I on track [3]

Feeling different than your peers is the worst curse of adolescence.

It can be a positive rewarding connection, however it can skew the emotional ties that bind a person to the land and its people.

... but I also became the teacher, explaining to the many rural Peruvians I encountered, the rich cultural...

I was surprised myself to discover the diversity of the Peruvian people.

I assumed they would all reflect my physical characteristics .

I cultivated a deeper understanding of the poor, the homeless, the pilage of the environment just to eek out some level of survival for the indigenous people. The level of poverty was so much more intense, on such a different level than my experience in large urban American cities.

Graduate / 'library management software' - Statement of Purpose - Computer Science [2]

Wow, my head is spinning, you are very intelligent! Also, a great writer. Whatever school you attend will be very lucky to have you!

A simple library management software program? was the first computer science project that I had undertaken.

...a need to further build upon the strong foundation that I have acquired in college and using this in fulfilling my desire to make a lasting contribution to the field.

This essay would be even better if you log on to the schools website and find a specific instructor you'd like to study with, or something perfect for you about the particular school(s) to which you are applying.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 and 2 :" Compassion within the ice" and "Painting is patience" [2]

I could find nothing to fix in your first essay...you're such a good writer! Here are a few things I found with the second, nothing major;

To me,Art has always been a part of my life, whether it was through music or drawings .
I chose color pencils, as usual .

I didn't want to make the same mistake of rushing again, when I first started my piece.

...but now, I've learned to take my steps slowly and appreciate the time and effort that it takes to finish my work.

... but the patience that I learned that is behind the quality.

There is an old saying ," you can't teach an old dog a new trick."

Undergraduate / For as long as I can remember, I have been a writer; Pratt Institute [6]

Good job with your essay! Just a few minor things;

At first, my stories were simple: short, one page stories with a single character in search of something lost.

However, the more stories I wrote , the more imaginative I became, and the more I wanted to keep writing.

As Mr Johnson spoke, I thought of how universal poetry was, and how alive I feel when I write.You should never refer to your instructor as Charles, unless he is also your cousin.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Why do some students study abroad? [3]

In some cases, people prefer to face the challenge to study abroad because they can get a better education, take advantage of the college study time and also, as a springboard to getting a job in the country they have chosen .

Usually, when students look for opportunities to study for a career in another country, it is because they can get a better education in the field they are interested in.

This whole sentence needs to be revised;
...while in universities abroad students can give students better opportunities to get an enhanced...

...country he could have a better education in the field than in his hometown country.

Also, in some cases, universities are more suitable for students, giving them the opportunity to transfer credits from another local or abroad university .

Studying abroad, students have the chance to get a job and stayed in the country if they wish to. do it.

Attending schools or universities outside their home countries , students can find not only a better education, but also they can take the advantage of, and usethe college study time more profitably and also, to get the chance to find a job and stay in the country.

Undergraduate / USC essay - I will always remember the people who have shaped my life. [4]

Several pieces of luggage from the Philippines were strewn out around the room.

The jewelry belonged to my great-grandmother in the Philippines. My grandma kept it for all these years in remembrance of her mother.

...she showed us the message he had written on for her on her seventh birthday.

It is important to remember where I come from, and who brought me to where I am today.

They introduced me to my faith and taught me the difference between right and wrong.

She does everything from cooking and cleaning to keeping us all in line.

This is great!;
My friends are my eyes, as they show me the world through different perspectives.

Had I not had a chance to experience these things , I may not know the different lifestyles of the countries that await me.

Undergraduate / need feed back:UCF-How family history, culture, or environment influenced etc. [2]

The goals I want to achieve in life are based on the hardships that I have seen...

My mother had sworn that she would not have multiple children with multiple partners and has succeeded, because she only has me and is still with my father after 23 years.

I have learned through my parents a kind of maturity that I would not have learned anywhere else.

Even though I abhor some of their methods, I just might end up teaching my kids in the same exact way.

The basic structure I have planned out for my life is to get a degree in a field I'm passionate in, settle down and raise some good kids, but the exact occurrences in my future are going to forever be unclear to me.

Writing Feedback / Argument Essay on Security Cameras - Feedback / Revision [2]

The growing use of surveillance cameras in today's society has led to several privacy issues being raised.

The use of such devices has become so commonly used that it has affected our lifestyles in one way or another.

By installing these cameras, people are more likely to drive safely ...

This growth in the use of security cameras has directly affected employment.

Many people argue that the constant video surveillance is an invasion of their privacy.

Most people don't care if they have to give this information out; however, if someone else gathers that information, people automatically consider it an invasion of privacy.

Undergraduate / A person who has had a significant influence on you - "My father's story" [5]

Wow, you are such a good writer! This is a beautiful story, and very well written. You might consider becoming a contributor here helping others with their essays. It would look good on applications!

I cannot imagine how your life will be if you are too dependent on me.

He had always been so on the go - speaking fast, walking fast, eating fast - that it was strange to see him sitting calmly on my bed, patiently telling me his life story. Adding the word "so' there, makes the sentence flow better.

Undergraduate / Speech and Language Pathologist or a Social Worker - dreams and aspirations [2]

The environment I come from has affected me in a positive way and has shown me things that I don't let them bring me down, but inspire me to one day come back and change them to make life better for others.

My short term goal is to pursue my dream of getting into college to become someone educated who can one day come back to Santa Ana and help children change their minds of going to college and help them get there without their environment stop them to get there.You should devide this into two sentences.

Unfortunately others are affected by their environment in a negative way and decide to join gangs, only making their lives and the lives of others harder.

My family, along with my environment, has helped shape my dreams and aspirations that I pursue today.

I don't want to be remembered as someone who had dreams, but as someone who overcame her obstacles and achieved her dreams.

Undergraduate / "earning a paycheck excited me" - UC prompt 2, XC [2]

This is great writing;
...my heart and soul - my whole being - having been poured into this investment.

...that I could actually rid myself of vanity to the point where I could run for cover in

I felt so out of place at my first race, when...

...which was suffering through pain every day , became the biggest positive of my experience.

I like how you also finish your essay 'with a kick'!

Writing Feedback / An IELTS about ads targeting younger and younger children [3]

Parents are concerned about the negative effects of advertising on children, while advertisers claim that they provide significant information.

From my perspective,I fully support the parent's opinion...that advertisement can have a negative affect...?

To begin with, a recent research has shown that young children are cognitively and psychologically defenseless against advertising .

They do not understand the notion of intent to sell and frequently accept advertising claims at face value.

Exposure to tobacco advertising may be a bigger risk...

Such ads contribute to a violent media culture which increases the likelihood of youngster's aggressive behavior, And which may lead to lethal social problems like teenager crime.

it's noncontroversial and is essential to teach young people to become critical viewers of advertising in all forms.

I agree with you!

Undergraduate / My essay about coming to America (Is my topic too overused?) [6]

...Mom, who was experiencing insomnia, came to our room...

...and breathed in the air of the square courtyard, enclosed by the apartment buildings.

AnotherA woman whose husband had just transferred...

When I heard a dog barking outside the fence, my face lit up.

The wall, for me, had meant more than a mere...

Undergraduate / USC: What is important? (500-700 chars) [8]

...until I understood nothing, that I truly understood myself.

...that a diverse group has collectively had more experiences and perspectives than a homogeneous population.

...being old doesn't make seniors valuable, the experiences that they have lived through makes them valuable.

Language is only one part of unlocking diversity, though.This sentence seems incomplete.

Truly taking advantage of diversity requires language,...This should be revised for clarity.

I'll have had a greater range of experiences, and I'll have gleaned some insight into a the mindset...

Undergraduate / "stereotypes about women still exist" - Smith college Supplement [4]

#1
...lack of confidence in women, to stand up for what they truly desire. No comma here.

I feel that women colleges help women gain more confidence...

#2
...women are rarely allowed into and most...

I think part two would be much better if you mention what you plan to study, and why Smith is the right place for you. Log onto their website and find a particular professor or class you're interested in and write a little about that.

p.s.
Northampton is GREAT!! Great bookstores, live entertainment, a bustling Main Street year round, a perfect 'college town'. Have fun!

Undergraduate / Dickinson- Students should be globally engaged leaders [3]

In that statement, we mean that our country, as a whole, only thinks about itself and not ...

Starting atSince the beginning of my junior year, I have been volunteering around my community through National Honor Society.

Many students and adults alikepeople do not understand what life outside...

...if so much suffering occurs here, what people in other countries are going though.

With my past experience as volunteer,...

Undergraduate / "somebody of two worlds" BU undergrad supplement essay [4]

It seems that you may be missing the point of the essay prompt; please select three words that describe you best ...

Is the first one of these words, 'courage'? If it is, state it clearly and then tell what makes you courageous as you have done here, but in few enough words that you have space for the other two words which describe you.

You'll need to shorten this part quite a bit to make room for telling how those three qualities will contribute to the BU community.

Undergraduate / 'four-week English summer course' - Experience that changed my life. UC Prompt [3]

Well you sure have come a long way with your English since then! Your essay is well written, I only found a few small things;

Out o Of all my memories, ...

...practiced so vigorously preparing to make this acquaintance, left my mind...

...decide whether I would like to stay or return back home...

I took an exam, the results of which , were supposed to place...

How could it be that they knew so much more than I did ?

Essays / Should gay people be allowed to adopt children [6]

oops! I didn't realize it was an argumentative paper, sorry! Yes, of course you are right!

Undergraduate / "My experience as peer coach" - UC Prompt #2 [2]

You should say some more at the end of your essay concerning your feelings of selfishness, which you say sent you on this path in the first place. Your essay should end with you reflecting back to the topic of your opening.

... to a group of incoming freshmen who then meetsup during the first semester and helps them out with problems and answer any questions.

Oddly enough I had no prior experience as a peer mentor,...

During the classes, I participated...

As a result, I learned skills on how to better communicate, cooperate, listen and understand others; essential skills as a mentor and a person.

Eventually the day came that another coach and I, were assigned a group of mentors to teach.

...however joining peer resources was my first step toward changing.

As of n Now I feel a greater confidence in myself and am able to put myself out there and try my best.

Undergraduate / UC#2 : "You're either getting better, or getting worse, nothing else." [5]

Wow, that's some good writing! At the end, I felt as though I'd just watched a great movie.
I found just a few small things;

so having fun was paramount to everything else.

high school football player, I have discovered...

I have always loved competition, but I knew that sheer athleticism was not going to get me where I wanted to be, a starting linebacker.

Each week, the coaches offered sessions to watch...

I had to do more, so along with a few other players who were as determined as I was to improve,...

Undergraduate / our planet, UC essay 1 for transfer students [2]

I think you should start this essay with the second paragraph, changing it slightly. The first sentence in the first paragraph doesn't sound right for a college essay. Maybe it's just the word 'special' that didn't seem to sound right to me, but you could scrap that one and add the others to paragraph two.

Your essay could be stronger if you start like this;

At three and a half years old , I experienced my first tremble in the 1994 Northridge Earthquake.

I started to inquire about my curiosity in high school.This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

My proudest achievement in being part of this...

Other than these minor things, your essay is pretty great, you're a good writer.

Undergraduate / Law School Personal Statement "Overcoming Fathers Death" [4]

Oh, this is great. Every bit of it is interesting and important, so it's too bad that you must cut some of it. I could find no paragraph to cut, so what you'll have to do is go through the essay and trim away some unnecessary sentences. I could not find any that didn't seem important, which shows that you sure don't waste any words!

I fondly remember my first failed attempt at cooking .

...taught by Martha Stewart on TV.

...with the insight and knowledge needed to contribute to and foster healthy classroom discussion on important issues,...

Learning how to generate my own business and connect with clients has taught me how to become...

In the process, I learned the significance of each and every word in a legal document.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement #2 - My Dance Experience [3]

The only advice I have about making this shorter, is to just read through it and cut any unnecessary sentences. I could find nine that I thought would not detract from the essay, but you should choose them yourself, as I don't know how much shorter you need this to be.

...I became frustrated and gave up for a long while. I would not give up for long, however... You can see how this needs to be changed.

...and I slowly lost the fear of dancing that I had developed from failing so many times.

...and my flexibility and endurance was enhanced by participating in sports in middle and high school.

Since that short time I have improved vastly, and...

...I became more comfortable with my physique than I had been, and...

Book Reports / symbolism and mood in The Death of a Salesman [3]

Here are some sites you should find very helpful. Good luck!

uncp.edu/home/canada/work/allam/general/glossary.htm

helium.com/knowledge/199183-symbols-in-death-of-a-salesman-by-arthur-miller-54k

Undergraduate / Restoring The San Juaquin River- UC Prompt 1 Transfer Student [3]

...giving me more of an experience than I would have had, watching neighborhood squirrels running up and down pine trees.

... left me in anticipation of our next trip.

...including water from the Sierra Nevada mountains .

My desire to help protect and restore the river from led me to volunteer at

... the negative impact humans have had on the environment and to restore the worlds natural ecology.

The University of California system offers the knowledge that I need to acquire in order to do so in the Environmental Studies major.