Undergraduate / The life of a middle class family is like a roller coaster - my 1st essay for transfer application. [5]

Never say "according to me", instead say "My definition of a community is..." However, even with that particular correction, I will have to say that your essay response does not totally meet the prompt. You have identified yourself with the middle class community. You discussed what it is like to be a part of the middle class. Yet, your discussion fails to disclose what your current role in the middle class community that you are a part of currently is. Instead, a reference is made by you to your future participation in the community. What you need to discuss is your current role in the community. Do you help earn income to keep your family financially provided for? Do you help other members of your middle class community? If so, in what way? You need to refer to a community that you truly and actively participate in as I do not believe that you have enough life experience to relate with regards to your role or participation in a middle class community at this point. Consider a change of community identity for yourself if you feel as I do, that you do not have the ability to describe an active and current participation for yourself in this role as a member of the middle class community.

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]


- In case you are wondering about why I am asking you delete this part, the answer is really quite simple. You need to concentrate on directly answering the prompt requirements instead of wasting the time of the admissions officers in reading your opening introduction. Don't waste valuable word space telling the university what they already know about their unique abilities as an educational institution. Don't discuss your background in the essay either. Those are both irrelevant to the prompt requirements and will only serve to make it harder to analyze the content of your essay on the part of the reader.

After you deal with that paragraph, the rest of the essay actually falls into place on its own. Remember, saying more with less words will always help your essay. So try to keep the essay short, after having edited and revised it a number of times :-)

Undergraduate / My work in WIC didn't shake the world, or even cause a tremor. And yet, I am proud. Columbia essay [5]

How is this for a 149 word version?

Growing up, WIC (Women, Infant, Children), a governmental program to provide healthcare and nutrition was a common houseguest. My mother received it for my younger brother, and my father worked at the state office. So come freshman year, I volunteered at the local city WIC clinic.

My work was profoundly satisfying. As an intern, I was not restrained to any one department, and could interact with members of the staff. Every time I returned an updated WIC folder, contents filled with food checks, or aided the dietitians with infant checkups, the raw gratitude on the faces of the WIC recipients surprised me. My small actions had rippling effects on the lives of these people.

My work in WIC was nothing earthshattering, but it created waves. I had cultivated intimate relationships with those in the office and touched, however briefly, the lives of countless others. For that, I am proud.

Feel free to use it if you wish :-)

Graduate / Mahatma Gandhi - favourite statue of the person you wanted to make [4]

Based upon the same criteria and opinion of the work that you provided for this essay, I would give you a 3 in your final score. I was hoping that you would have responded to my comment with a revised essay that I could have reviewed for you, hopefully changing your score in the process as well. Don't let my score get you down though. Remember, mine if unofficial and is only based upon the content of the essay that you wrote. When you take the test, there will be other factors considered which could bring up your final score.

Undergraduate / ... imbued me with a drive to get out into the world to broaden my horizons and meet new people... [4]

I always tell the students not to worry about meeting the word count when they first start to write the essay. Make it as long and as informative as possible. It is easier to shorten an informative essay than to keep within a word count before all of the relevant thoughts are presented. I suggest that you revise the essay by responding to the instructions that I provided. Sure you will go over the word count when you do that. Don't worry, I will help you edit the essay content in response to the prompt and then I will help you bring the word count down as well :-) In order to properly edit and revise the paper, we need to have room to accomplish that task.

Undergraduate / I have searched for schools with programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I found you [14]

Regina, this response has come out as the best version so far. Do you have any more information you want to add to your work before I make any suggestions regarding the chronological order of the paragraphs and necessary grammar corrections? Just let me know if you are ready to work on those aspects so that I can start working on the list of corrections for you. Personally, I believe that you have more than presented your case at this point. It is time to pay attention to grammar editing already.

Undergraduate / My free time - hunching over my laptop, with my headphones on, messing around with my MIDI keyboard [9]


- Either version of the statement will work. It means the same thing with only the sentence construction serving as the variation to the way the idea is presented.


- One thing you have to know about essay writing is that if you, as the writer, feel that something is wrong with the sentence or paragraph that you wrote, there most likely is a problem so you should have the confidence to go ahead and correct it. We will only guide you towards the polishing of your essay. That said, I would have polished this statement this way; " I am also a wanna be electronic music producer. My playlist houses only electronic dance music that would have me on the dance floor of a club instead of a recessed corner." If you think that my presentation will work for you, then feel free to use it :-)

Scholarship / One of the few object that is very important to me is my piano - Essay for Transferring Colleges [5]

My piano is important to me.. .
- You can actually skip this part and go directly to the portion that discusses the life lessons that you learned. That is the important aspect of the essay prompt that you wrote as it directly addresses the prompt requirements. It will also limit the repetitiveness that your essay seems to be prone to in relation to the way the phrase "My piano" is constantly used throughout.

Undergraduate / I had produced a model of the Earth's atmosphere in two transparent containers - UPENN Supplement [5]

Thanks for the speedy uploading of the prompt Mashaba. Having reviewed the essay again, based upon the prompt requirements, I can safely say that you have answered all of the salient points and offered enough relevant examples and activities that relate to your field of interest. I was just wondering though, would it be possible for you to specify the definite department or college of study that you wish to go into? It just seems to be an important piece of the essay that is not currently present. Good work on the essay just the same. It is really quite informative and revealing in the sense of your career interest development.

Undergraduate / UChicago, custom prompt. Describe how Mom & Dad are not just an ATM [10]

Now, now, don't let the stress of college application get to you. That won't accomplish anything. Just breath deeply and try to let go of the stress. It isn't going to help you write better essays :-) You will be good to go with only one personal example. After all, the most effective essays are those based upon personal experience. Take the hint from the way the common apps are created. You are asked to only cite one personal experience that you expand upon. There is no need to go wild with examples just because you are the one who created the essay prompt :-) I hope you can post the revised essay here when you are done so we can go over it one more time with you. Just to be sure that everything will be in order for your submission :-)

Undergraduate / UChicago, custom prompt. Describe how Mom & Dad are not just an ATM [10]

The first thought that came to my mind was to suggest a prompt that goes; "Parents are viewed in two highly different opinions these days. They are either seen as an ATM machine or a life guide by their children. Discuss both opinions and present your point of view." I based the prompt upon what I believed was going on within the essay that you wrote. You can use that prompt as is if you want, or base your new prompt on a variation of it. I hope I was able to help :-)

Undergraduate / Journalism is not an easy career in Vietnam - E.W SCRIPPS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM/OHIO UNIVERSITY [11]

I sure can make some recommendations Uyen. Let me detail the parts I believe you should delete and why below:


- Since your thoughts lead you back to Vietnam anyway, let us start off the essay with an immediate idea of what to expect in the succeeding discussions. This back story just takes up unnecessary word count.

[quote=precious_summerI started to participate in media activities at 15.... [/quote]
- Your skills are not being required as a part of the discussion so you don't need to present this information. Save it for another prompt or allow the admissions officer to learn about your participation in these activities through the other documents you have submitted. It just does not have a place in this essay.

Undergraduate / I had produced a model of the Earth's atmosphere in two transparent containers - UPENN Supplement [5]

Mashaba, I can't really comment on your essay because it is lacking a critical factor. You have not supplied us with the essay prompt. The prompt will help us analyze and review your essay for response validity. At the moment, I am not sure if the essay you wrote is relevant to the prompt and if it falls within the parameters that are necessary for its response. Kindly provide the guide prompt to us as soon as possible so that we can further assist you with your review requirements. It will be quite difficult to help you without it.

Undergraduate / UChicago, custom prompt. Describe how Mom & Dad are not just an ATM [10]

Ahmad, owing to the essay prompt, I would have discussed the essay differently. I would have offered an opinion as to how our consumerist world, in wanting to appeal to children in an effort to get the money of their parents, have distorted the relationship that young children have with their parents. That the consumerist world of toys, gadgets, and child to adolescent fashion have all converged upon children to make them believe that their parents exist for only one purpose, to spend on their whims, caprices, and anything that will make them happy. As such, children grow up thinking that their parents are nothing more than ATM machines that dispense money to them whether they deserve it or not. All on the basis of "parents want to see their children happy and if it means spending on them, then so be it."

It is after I present this case that I would then present evidence based on personal experience about how wrong this consumerist mindset is. Leaning on the fact that parents are meant to be our guides in life, teaching us the value of money and a good work ethic, thus preparing us for our roles in the adult world where, they will no longer exist to support me financially nor answer for my whims and caprices. Thus bringing my argument about consumerism feeding the idea that parents are just ATM machines and how they are nothing of the sort.

Undergraduate / Tuesdays with Morrie written by Mitch Albom is one of my favorite books - College of Art and Science [8]

Grammatical errors aside, I believe that this is the prompt response you should use. It responds in an expanded way to the essay instructions and thus, offers an insight into the kind of point of view about life and culture that you have. That said, I would like you to note the corrections that you need to make within the essay below:


- ... i had lost my passion for study because of the demanding study schedule and inflexible study hours. I was become unhappy and saw myself as an automaton, programmed to simply study and take tests.


- ...the book I felt like I was having a life-long... on culture impressed me the most as he enlightened me about now being misled by the illusions of our culture and traditions.


-... can't run away from it. .. Gradually, I found a balance between my studies and entertainment, began reading books I liked instead of those assigned to me, and I joined a club I was interested in. Morrie helped me renew my sense of culture and get my life back.

I revised your paragraphs to make the essay tighter and more interesting to read. I also did that to correct the grammar problems in relation to tenses.

Undergraduate / MIT EECS - I will be able to become just like the innovators that I look up to. [8]

I believe that the response statement that you wrote works quite well. Do you have a word limit on this essay? I am just wondering as to why you wrote a statement response instead of an essay. Are you within the word limitation? Regardless, the statement that you wrote is quite good and will work well in responding to the prompt. If you are also satisfied with the response that you wrote, then I guess now is as good a time as any to use the response :-)

Undergraduate / As I relax, the chair becomes my vehicle - The library; an ideal space in an imperfect world [3]

Muhammad is right, you have got your tenses mixed up. So you need to sort that out. Either you speak solely in present or past tense. I suggest revising the essay to present the information in past tense because that is how the essay prompt is designed. You have to recall the experience and explain the contentment that you feel. At the moment, the essay presents both sides of your reasons for feeling content in the library. That is a very good way of approaching this essay as it presents a balanced look at the reasons behind your contentment. There is no right or wrong way of answering this essay prompt. The method that you chose is quite creative and engaging :-)

Undergraduate / Numbers are intricately woven in our lives, and do not fail to fascinate us - NYU essay [7]

I am of a differing opinion on the matter. I understood the relation of numbers to the way that NYU can possibly help you with your future career. What I have a problem with, is the fact that you were not able to present a concrete discussion as to how you will be able to help enhance the NYU academic and student community. The work experience that you shared is not a relevant skill that can help you enrich the NYU experience for yourself and other students. So I suggest that you revise that part to better represent those interests in the prompt.

Undergraduate / I value the liveliness of the city but also long for a tight-knit learning environment; WHY BU? [4]

It seems to me that you were enticed to consider BU mostly by the debate team that they have. That is because you discuss this at great length within the essay. This caused a lack of balance between the extra curricular consideration and the academic consideration that you present in the essay in relation to the academic offerings of the university. Which department are you planning to formally apply for admission to? I suggest that you choose a department and develop a discussion about the offerings of the university in relation to your academic development in this field instead of discussing the big city comparison that you are doing at the moment.

Undergraduate / The folder without baby pictures of me that I have never seen before -with a Certificate of Adoption [6]

Hi David, like I said before, the essay works well for a central identity prompt. I really do not see any need to revise the content of the essay at this point. However, my opinion does not matter as much as yours. If you feel that there is room to revise this essay in relation to the prompt, then go ahead. I will just guide you towards polishing the essay. Remember, I do not know what you want to express in the essay so only you can decide on any additional information or revision of information. Correcting the grammar problems will come next. That is, after you decide that you have expressed yourself as best as you can and have told the reader everything that you feel they need to know about your central identity.

Undergraduate / ...lost in the world of digits, stumbling through the intricacies of numerical manipulation.... [3]

The impact of your compassion and selflessness is not really clearly presented in the essay. You speak of making a difference in the lives of these other students which is actually a good thing. However, we need to know about what kind of direct effect this has had on your life. How has this attitude impacted your attitude towards life and other people and how have other people come to perceive you because of this trait. Has it made you more approachable? Does this mean that you are open to self sacrifice? At what point do you think you will stop being so selfless and helpful? Is being the head boy and house captain a direct result of these traits? Please clarify those points as these will prove the impact of your character traits towards your life at the moment.

Undergraduate / We all reach that peak in a day when we feel invincible - my favorite time of the day [9]

This essay is alright but does not really present the reason as to why daybreak is your favorite time of the day. I mean, there are so many errands in that list that it seems like you are just tiring yourself out. Would you care to try a different approach to writing? Perhaps you can discuss these activities as a part of the reason why you love daybreak. Say something about how these activities help you get a moment to yourself and have internal conversations with yourself wherein you reflect upon your life, its problems, tribulations, and successes, then contemplate how your life will be in the future. Talk about how waking up at daybreak signifies hope for your future or something. Give us a more serious reason to understand why this is your favorite time of the day :-)

Undergraduate / Common App; The word suicide -- as I later found out -- is passed around in hushed voices [13]

Since we do not have a copy of the common app essay list, we cannot really tell if there is a particular essay prompt that you can use this response for. You are the only one who can decide if there is a particular prompt this may respond to. If you want us to help you figure out if there such a prompt in the list, post the common app essay prompts here and we will try to help you out. At this moment, I do not really see this essay fitting in any of the prompts that I know of.

Undergraduate / My quest to become a fully-qualified sound engineer, jazz musician and vocalist; Common App Transfer [2]

Your essay is generic in content and does not really address the reasons why you have chosen this particular university to transfer to. What sets is apart from your current university? It should not be hard for you to detail the reasons why you feel that this particular university will better suit the academic requirements that you are keen on pursuing. Try to detail the difference between the state of education that you are in now and what you hope to achieve by using the facilities of the university you are transferring to. That should clearly explain the reasons why you have decided to try and switch schools midstream.

Undergraduate / Journalism is not an easy career in Vietnam - E.W SCRIPPS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM/OHIO UNIVERSITY [11]

Uyen, this version of your essay works well in the sense that it shows how you developed an idea that you can work in the field of journalism. However, you spend too much of the essay discussing your back story instead of developing your vision of how you can help to improve the state of Vietnamese journalism. The story about how you plan to launch your own magazine and the plans accompanying it totally fall in line with the prompt requirements. I suggest that you develop your short and long term career goals in terms of how you plan to revitalize and reshape the journalism landscape in Vietnam. Make it more powerful. Show us a mindset that says "I am going to be the new face of Vietnamese journalism and help the people of my country." That is the mindset that you should be in as you revise this essay. That is what the essay wants to feel and learn about.

Undergraduate / MIT ESAAY || WHICH DEPARTMENT APPEALS YOU MOST AND WHY || HELP- need to improve [5]

I revised your introduction to make it only 44 words. Use the rest of the remaining word count to explain why the computer science department of MIT appeals to you now. That is the aspect of the essay that you must develop very well in order to respond to the statement prompt.

I grew up with a fascination for computers since I spent my developing years as a fixture in my father's computer shop. My curiosity in terms of hardware and software development were fueled by this exposure thus giving me an interest in computer science.

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

The essay that you wrote is good in my opinion. I just think that you should rephrase the statement using the word "rep" to completely say "repetition" for those who are not familiar with gym parlance and may end up reading your paper. The lesson that you learned is quite clear and relevant to what happened to you. However, I believe that we also need to learn what the results of your delay in picking up your nephew was in order to make the reasons behind your change in attitude more imperative and lesson filled. That is a gaping hole in your story so you need to fix that :-)

Undergraduate / Common App; The word suicide -- as I later found out -- is passed around in hushed voices [13]

I really do not see any relation between the story that you related and your central identity. A central identity response essay normally centers around an event in your life that helped you create a mindset or point of view about the world you live in or your personal qualities or traits. This event happened to someone else and, as far as I can tell, did not have a direct effect upon your central identity. Statistics about suicide and the relation of studying psychology, even your return to Korea, just does not make sense because the basis of your central identity story was never established.

Undergraduate / The folder without baby pictures of me that I have never seen before -with a Certificate of Adoption [6]

David, the answer that you provided is more geared towards a central identity prompt instead of a challenge prompt. I would suggest that you reconsider the prompt and save this for your central identity essay instead. Nothing in your current essay answers the prompt in the proper manner. In fact, your response does not provide the correct answer when you consider the prompt requirements. You really went off tangent with your answer. The good news though, is that you have an essay ready and set to use for the central identity prompt. If you decide to change your common app prompt, you won't have to write a new essay :-)

Undergraduate / The unofficial Princeton motto comes from the title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson [8]

The last paragraph sums up the essence of the speech by Wilson and your own desires to make a change the world. I read it as a strong enough conclusion to your well discussed essay. Honestly, it really works to enhance the sentiment you are conveying. I am not sure if the strength of the message will change if you tweak the conclusion. I can probably honestly tell you if the changes to the conclusion will be beneficial once I read it. Why not share the revised conclusion here? That way we can advice you regarding the strength of both endings and you can choose the one that you feel works best for your interests.

Undergraduate / Common App - 'three problems solved, one remaining...' - challenged a belief or idea essay [3]

While the problem that you chose to present does present a challenge, it is neither a belief nor idea related to the development of your analytical thinking, observation skills, or people skills. Thus is makes it an ill effective response essay. Try to think of an actual belief or idea posed by someone you know to you. Explain why it affected you and why you felt that you had to prove that person wrong. Then tell us, in the process of proving your point, did it matter at all? If given the chance to challenge the same belief or personal idea, would you still approach it the same way? These are the prompt points that need to be addressed. It is quite unfortunate that the setting you chose for your story does not depict that scenario.

Undergraduate / Living as someone else's mouth - William &Mary Supplement Essay [7]

The essay is very creative and really engages the reader in the kind of life that you lead. It offers us an opportunity to see how your family functions and how your family appreciates the way that you continue to be the "mouth" of your family. I agree with the others though, you need to shorten the descriptions somehow. Just giving us an overview, limiting it to the 2 or 3 most important examples of how you are the mouthpiece of your family will more than suffice.

Your conclusion needs some more work. It is weakened by the fact that you rehash information that you have already previously shared with the reader. Totally change your concluding paragraph to become more of a statement about what you have learned about yourself from this experience and how you see this experience continuing to help you develop as a person and as a professional in the future.

Undergraduate / Why University of Chicago - Address how desire for learning, need for community is met. [3]

Joseph, while your essay seems to be general in nature and content, it works because you convey your desire for a learning environment that best suits your ideals, ambitions, and desires in life. You have managed to present this idealism in such a way that it resonates as an overall expectation of the academic offerings of UChicago. As such, your essay theme offers an image of you considering all of your options for academic excellence with the support of the university. General in nature and yet well developed. That is the kind of essay that shows the mode of thinking and envisioning that you have for yourself. If there is an inclination for you to be unsure about your major, it does not show in this paper. Instead, it comes across as you being prepared to take on any career that comes your way, as long as you know you have trained or can accomplish the task requirements. Good work.

Undergraduate / ... imbued me with a drive to get out into the world to broaden my horizons and meet new people... [4]

There is no need to mention your father's kidney transplant as it does not relate to anything about the way he influenced you as a person. Your essay should be focused on the overall effect of the community, your family, and your academics on the development of the person you are today. Try not to use cliche statements like


Rather, show us how you learned that you should face life challenges with a smile from your father. Then show us how your mother taught you about the importance of balancing things in your life. I also think that you should reconsider what you have now as your closing sentence.


is such a powerful statement to be making towards the end of the essay. The impact upon the reader is wasted. Please consider making this your opening sentence instead. I believe it will have the fullest effect on your written work once placed in that position.

Scholarship / It had begun as a project I did with the members of my Girl Scout troop. FDDS Scholarship Essay [2]

This is a very good essay Lauren. The idea that you have been carrying around this Good Samaritan side of you since your elementary school days will definitely sit well with the admissions officers reviewing your application. Out of curiosity though, I am wondering if Kurt ever showed you his drawings? If he did, then you should say so because it would definitely help your application essay end on a very high note and leave the reader wondering if your proposal would be something that they would want to see their university doing as well.

It also important that you divide your essay into paragraph statements with each paragraph dealing with a specific subject matter. The current format you have the draft in, all bunched together and tight on the screen, makes it quite difficult to read and does not offer the reader a chance to pause and consider the importance of the statements you have written. The separations will offer them that opportunity.

Undergraduate / MIT EECS - I will be able to become just like the innovators that I look up to. [8]

Are there some portions of this essay that you somehow lifted directly or based upon the information coming from the MIT website? There are just some superficial portions that do not feel connected to the rest of the essay on a personal basis for you. Parts such as


need to be reconsidered for rephrasing. You delivered a statement that offers an insight into what drew you to MIT overall. Which is a good fit for the 100 word response. While the university will not be strict with the word count, it is always best to try to come in exactly at or a little under the word count. The essay can be revised one more time, in relation to the quoted sentence from my end, then the grammar and sentence structure problems can be addressed in the creation of the final version.

Scholarship / One of the few object that is very important to me is my piano - Essay for Transferring Colleges [5]

Hey Ashley :-) Of course you can repost your edited essay in this thread and I would love to review it for you and guide you towards it completion. Since you are new at this forum, I guess you are not very familiar with how it works yet. It works this way:

1. Post your essay draft then wait for comments and reviews from other users.
2. Revise the essay based upon the comments and reviews that you consider to be helpful.
3. Post the revision in the same thread.
4. Wait for more comments and reviews.
5. If more changes are needed, you need to repeat steps 2-4.
6. Let us know when you feel the essay is completed from your point of view :-)

Undergraduate / MIT EECS - I will be able to become just like the innovators that I look up to. [8]

You have spent too much of the essay discussing your developing interest in EECS instead of discussing why this particular program at MIT appeals to you. Revise the essay in such a manner that you will be able to present reasons as to why you are attracted to MIT, specifically, the EECS program. Remember, your major is not set in stone at the time that you write this essay. So take it easy and just lightly explain your interest in the EECS program of MIT. You can still use the information you related at the start of the essay, all you have to do is spread it out within the revised essay. Let's try to work on a new draft that better addresses the essay prompt at this point :-) By the way, don't forget to let me know if you have a word limit on the essay. That matters a lot in the editing and writing of the revisions :-)

Undergraduate / Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience [9]

I am of the opinion that your essay is finally ready for final drafting. That means we will now concentrate on correcting the grammar and sentence structure problems of the essay. We can now also begin to adjust the essay in terms of word count and paragraph length. The message of the essay has finally aligned with the prompt requirements, allowing me to suggest that we now undertake the editing process of the essay. I would like to be sure first that we are on the same page and there is no additional information that you want to add to the essay. If this is the final content, I will now make suggestions as to how to correct the grammatical errors :-) I look forward to hearing you about this.

Undergraduate / NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you and vice versa? [6]

Hi Dixing, I'll be more than happy to advise you about the proper approach to your essay if you start your own thread at this forum. Please remember to include the prompt you are trying to answer with a draft version of your essay for review. Remind me of your concerns about the essay prompt in that thread as well. Unfortunately, it would be improper for us to hijack Song's thread for your concerns. It might confuse him/her and muddle the reception of the advice I am offering him/her. I hope you understand :-) Thanks. I look forward to reading your work.