Graduate / Working in Turkish farm; Peace Corps Cultural Integration Entrance Essay [2]


... you volunteered to do what? That's the most important thing for them to know. So you better tell that first before telling them the other details. Also, it is better you talk the background of that assignment because then it would sound more convincing.


When I first started to work in the farm with Turkish men, I felt rather unwelcome and ignored because others did not speak with me.

Writing Feedback / IELTS part1 - Number of minutes of telephone calls in Australia [4]

This is the structure I go by for this task;
1. Introduction (your first paragraph is fine for this purpose )
2. Overview (discuss the main trends you observe very briefly)
3. Details (discuss the details more specifically with statistics and data)


.


.... Since this is going to test your report writing skills, you should adopt a more official tone. Other than that this sounds very good.

Essays / Today's society is a dangerous society; English oral essay about consumer society [2]

United States of America represents this kind of society very well because it was born there.


.... this sentence lacks clarity. You need to improve its presentation.
American companies target people and influence them to consume products which may really not be essential for them. However, the consumer would be fed up of such products after sometime. .... I hope this is the idea you wanted to deliver.


... this sentence too is pretty confusing. What do you try to mean by this statement?

Speeches / Do violent movies influence violent behavior in children - speech writing idea [3]


Well the best thing to do is to do your draft speech and post it here. Then we can give you our comments to improve. Even it is a speech, you need to introduce the theme and then talk on each reason to justify your position. So, this too does not vary too much from a normal essay. It is the tone that differs mostly. You can find many essays in this forum written under the same topic. Read them for ideas and write your draft and post it here :)

Writing Feedback / With all the troubles in the world today, money spent on space exploration is a waste! [3]

... very good introduction :)


Yes, I too agree... Your introduction is superb. However, your body paragraphs do not really deal with the task that prompt has given you. You need to tackle why it is unethical to spend such large amounts on space exploration. Your reasons are fine, but you need to have a better connection with the topic.

You have excellent writing skills. I think you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you really don't have to worry about this task. Also, one small request - please open this type of essays in Writing Feedback forum.

Scholarship / 'The poor will always remain poor and the rich would always be rich' - SCHOLARSHIP [3]


"The poor will always remain poor while the rich would always be rich"


This quote well explains why the hundreds of homeless people sleep in the footpaths of Dhaka every night.


It was just another Sunday on the 18th November 2012. I returned from schools and did my chores,


I knew Tuba because of her roses.


I could never say no to her when she asked me to buy her roses.

Writing Feedback / Eco tourism. (for and against essay) - benefits far outweigh the negatives [2]


... empowering what?
Community members stay involved at all stages of the process, having them empowered with ????? while encouraging travelers to their areas.


selling handy crafts
This essay is written very well.... The only thing I can suggest is to include some examples where ever they can fit in. That helps you convince the reader better :)

Undergraduate / "Debate? nah, not me" ; Extracurricular activity [2]


" I am shy, I have the stage phobia"


Being such a talkative person, I wondered why I was so nervous about speaking to an audience.


Eventually, after much serious thinking, I decided to come out of shell and joined the debate team.


"INTIMIDATED" is not enough to describe what I felt.

Undergraduate / The Day My Life Changed Forever! UF - event, experience or accomplishment [4]


Although most of others at that age would feel their life was ruined, I , surprisingly, didn't feel it that way.


....and I was unable to complete my senior year.


On the 14th August 2005, after four long days of labor, my son was born at the 27th week and the baby weighed only two pounds and three ounces


He was so small and fragile, but the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.


Time passed by with doctor's having doubts about his condition. However, I was confident that he was a great fighter and he'll make it through.

Writing Feedback / Most countries are compared by economic success. Do you think any other factors? [5]

... sure :)
First you have some grammar issues;


... your prompt speaks of a claim of present day and therefore you've got to keep the tense in present.
As for your introduction, it misses out the hook and conclusion (see the guideline structure I suggested above) Start with a more catchy sentence which is your hook and finish the introduction with stating your opinion on the argument, very clearly.



the literacy level will increase.
Your first body para is fine, but the second one lacks specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Choose two topics from the book and reflect it to your life! [3]


Anxiety and depression are daily experiences of one's life.


... but those who live with long term depression can have disturbing interference to their lives.


I feel the word "life" is getting repeated too often. Try to ignore that.


Combine these two sentences;
In 2001, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which refers to the feeling of continuous tense and uneasiness (Myers 2012).

Undergraduate / Elvis is one of my role models;UC - personal quality,talent,accomplishment,contribution [3]


It is the passion that he and I share for our ambitions.




Ambition is an essential part of my life.


It has taught me the way to accomplish my goals is hard work and selfless devotion and not short cuts.

Undergraduate / Slap on the face; World I come from [2]


...Some punctuation issues :( I suggest the following ;
Knowing that I come from a low income family and from a city that is known for its violence, poverty, and high rate of school dropouts, made me gain an aspiration of becoming someone worthy.


Despite of limited educational resources, I am keen on furthering my education to demonstrate that I can be learned and an important member in society.

Well, this prompt is aimed at knowing the world you came from. So, you need to have a better focus on that. Tell more about the background of your community and the challenges you faced. This talks more about your aspirations and less about the former.

Writing Feedback / This movie is very hysterical when one is watching it alone; Film Review - The Dictator [2]


... your focus is on Aladeen and therefore I feel you should not talk about the actor's roles in other movies. That disturbs the main focus of this essay.

The lead role, Aladeen of Wadiya, a fabricated land, is played by Sacha Baron Cohen who also played the famous role of Allison Burgers in ????? (movie).


The Dictator, though an incredibly hilarious movie, contains many racist jokes.


One would find this movie very hysterical when watching it alone, however, when it is watched in an audience consisting of people from diverse backgrounds, its effect would be very different.

Writing Feedback / Some people think secondary students should study international news as a school subject [5]


Where is the hook statement? You start with the background introduction. :) Please refer to your previous essay for my suggested structure. Also, it is good to conclude an introduction with a clear statement that explains your position in the argument. So I find the last sentence in this introduction as not adding any value to your essay, but only it reduces its effect.


.... social knowledge? What do you mean?
To begin with, no one can deny that paying attention to the world would be helpful for the youth to gain a better outlook.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, more people are migrating to other countries than ever before [3]


....better use letter in essay writing


.... when you say "a number of reasons" you generally expects the number to be larger than two. So, let's say this a little differently;

People migrate to other countries due to various reasons, especially for educational and career purposes.


... this is an ongoing trend, so keep it in present tense, not past tense.


good thesis statement :)

Letters / Letter informing Cancellation of reservation [4]


I am writing to cancel my reservation for the Movement and Transportation group meeting scheduled to take place in Bologna next week. As my colleague, De Luca explained to you already, I will have to attend another meeting in London that clashes with this meeting.

Please make arrangements to credit the refund to Brum's account, number - (IT 00D0000334D4958)
Thank you

Writing Feedback / Essay about people taking more than one job to earn extra money [5]

I guess you have written this essay in preparation for IELTS or TOEFL. Am I right? :)


.... this sentence does not have any grammar issues, but you can tell this same idea in a more comprehensive and interesting way. It is important that you have an interesting hook statement to open your essay.

Also, your introduction deviates from what your prompt speaks of. It talks about doing several careers from a different perspective that people wish to further their knowledge in different fields. That is what I understood by its last line;

Essays / How to write a 3000-word essay about 'communication'? [4]


Ok... what is the purpose? Is it a research paper? Or just a class room assignment? Why did your professor ask to you do that? Your essay depends on the answers of those questions because each purpose has got its own features. Whatever it is you need to have an introduction of the topic. But in this case your topic seems to be too general because communication itself a very vast area. We can certainly help you if you know more details, but with short description it is pretty difficult for us to help.

Graduate / Do material possessions make us truly happy? ; CLEP [3]


... Good hook



Though you say you are not a native speaker of English, I see you have very good writing skills. However, it is good had you concluded your introduction with your opinion.

Writing Feedback / The internet as a reliable/unreliable source of information [4]


Need more improvement in presenting this idea. This is your hook with what you open your essay and if this is going to be boring and not clear them you'll be trouble :(

My suggestion;
The Internet gains its audience at a terrific speed on daily basis. However, is it a reliable source of information is a serious concern today.


This is another confusing sentence. Better you rephrase this line. Pay attention to what Misterwandering's comments too :)

Essays / As computers are being used more in education, there will be soon no role for teacher [5]

Nowadays, a large number of students rely inon computers to research foraccess information and to produce a perfect paper work for their homework.for their school assignments and projects.


.... well this is a simple argument and the usage of "two schools of thought" sounds a bit too serious and inappropriate for this situation.


There are few things I find missing in this introduction although you have made attempts to follow the appropriate structure. First, its contents lack relevance to the prompt. Your prompt talks about the role played by teachers would be replaced by computers. So what you need to talk about here is that issue. Nothing much is said in that regard. Second, you have not included your own opinion about the issue.

Writing Feedback / toefl writing task 2, Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources [5]

yes, it is very important that you present your essay clearly and an interesting way for the others to read. This looks really messy.

In the introduction, you do not mention anything about the disappearing of the resource you chose (in this case it is water) and why it needs to be saved. You always need to keep a proper alignment with your topic.

Speeches / Lifestyle of a nurse - Informative Speech Outline [2]


Well.... I feel the "look for" does not really go well with this idea. I would like to suggest you a different approach;

When you are sick and feel that you need to go to a hospital, whom do you first think of? I am sure it is the doctor that we would be interested in and certainly not the nurse, unless you have a crush on her. However, can you consult your doctor without the help of a nurse? Or would the doctor see you without having a nurse around him? I doubt very much. This simple example itself shows that a nurse, though she acts behind the screen, is as important as the doctor.

Undergraduate / "It is hard to fail,but it is worse never to have tried to succeed"; UW MADISON- UNNOTICED [2]


You open the response with a question asking the reader about what these guys have in common. Then answer that they share one thing which is failed attempts before their success... However, it gives an impression that this is the only thing they have in common. I would say they may be having more things in common than this - brilliance, commitment, dedication, enthusiasm etc. So, I suggest you to change the tone of this idea. Rather than asking that question, I wish you made a statement that they all shared this non giving up attitude. Then that automatically become one of the things they share :D

Writing Feedback / Some people think that increasing business and cultural contacts have positive influences [7]

sure.... let's do your introduction following that structure;


Unlike in the past, we live in a heavily globalized world where people interact with each other irrespective of geographical barriers. ...hook
Now let's do the background;
As a result there is an increasing trend of international business and cultural contacts. Some people perceive this as a positive sign for development while others claim that it can harm the uniqueness of national identity of the nations. .... here you introduced the theme and the importance of the issue

However, my personal opinion is that the positives of this phenomenon outweigh its negatives. ... clear statement that explains your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Tv advertising is not good, agree or dis agree (IELTS) [7]

It's always good to include your prompt in the essay so that others can provide you with more relevant comments.


.... this is wrong.... the right word is "Because"


.... this is grammatically incorrect. You cannot have though and but both together;
Though many people perceive that TV advertising is not good, I believe it is a much more effective way of communicating to the masses.
Without seeing your prompt it is difficult to align your introduction with the prompt. However, I wish you pay attention to the structure I suggested to you in one of your previous essays.

Undergraduate / Pablo Picasso's painting Guernica; Creative work that influenced me [3]


Having taken Art and Spanish subjects in my school career for several years, I developed a great interest in them.


In Madrid I had the privilege to visit famous art museums like Museo del Prado and Museo Reina Sofia where I found the artwork that I most looking foward to seeing, the "Guernica" by Pablo Picasso.



It has become one of the most famous pieces of art depicting anti-war sentiments.

Undergraduate / THEATRE TRANSFORMING ME FROM CHILDHOOD TO ADULTHOOD- COMMON APP ESSAY [3]


After the rehearsal session of our new musical production, "In the Heights", our director read us a cliche' aloud "Life imitates Art because Art is an imitation of Life".


Then he paused and said, "However, this notion is false"


Without a doubt, it isn't the cliche', but my director's view on it that influenced my transformation from a naive young lass to a vibrant, fearless individual who I am today by merging the theater and the myself into one.

Writing Feedback / Most countries are compared by economic success. Do you think any other factors? [5]

Hi Prashanthi,


.... that's wrong grammar. It should be;
Many countries compare themselves with other countries / Many countries are compared with each other

Undergraduate / Danced Away - U Texas /extra-curricular activities [2]


The beauty of dance is that you can express your emotions artistically anytime and anywhere letting your body free to paint them in others' memories.


I was involved with dancing since very young.
This all started because of my smallwith my curiosity toward thisthe club called Shepton Break Dance Club


It was amazing how I could simply release my anger and sadness through these simple moves and feel so great.

Writing Feedback / Hiking a memorable experience; academic writing skills course [3]


... Great saying , it provides a good hook for your essay :)
However, it is good if you provided us the topic or the prompt of this essay. Form your title, we cannot gain much idea about it. :( If we can read the prompt then we can check the alignment of your writing with it and also provide you with more relevant comments.


Hiking steeply dangerous mountains is joyful, yet dangerous at the same time.


... I don't get the last part properly :(
but it also equips one with many life skills; endurance, team spirit, courage etc. Moreover, it helps one appreciate the beauty of life ??????

Undergraduate / What I believe defines a great leader;Common app essay [6]


Let's have a look at the prompt now;


The part of " by wanting to do something" speaks about the passion that such person would possess. So, I guess it is important to highlight that aspect in the leadership qualities because then your response would be much more aligned with what your prompt suggests. If you cannot have the Wolf example molded into this attribute, then go for another example.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that increasing business and cultural contacts have positive influences [7]


Not a very impressive introduction :( I have provided you with a structure for the intro in one of your previous essays. Had you followed it, then you'd come with a more catchy start.


Instead of this you could have expressed your view about the issue. That will help you to take others in your desired direction :D


This sentence does not mean much sense. I think the vocabulary you have used tend to give a different meaning to that. Also, you do not have a proper alignment with your prompt.

Finally, I have a small admin request for you - Post your essay into the right forum, namely "Writing Feedback". Also, have a meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Has the change of easier food preparation improved the way people live? [4]


You open your essay with stating your opinion on the argument. In other words you assume that the reader knows the background of the issue. However, this is not the appropriate structure for this task. You need to introduce the issue first, and then conclude the introduction stating your opinion.

Writing Feedback / 'Salary, work atmosphere' - factors contribute to job satisfaction? [3]


... This is your hook and I feel it should be stronger to capture the reader's attention.
Is this essay for preparing IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention the purpose of writing in the title because it helps others to align their comments with task related requirements.

Undergraduate / Hermit Crab - Common app; background or story that is so central to my identity [5]

After another minute you realize that the beach is crowded ofwith hermit crabs, carrying their shells of varying size, shape and color.


And this is what exactly happened to me when I moved with my family from urban Germany to the Fiji Islands; I left my old shell behind.


.... were they your values and principles or your attitudes and perceptions? Generally values and principles are strong and they are not easily subjective to change. Rather, changing values and principles are not seen as a positive thing.

Undergraduate / FAILURE is my favorite word ; U Virginia - What is your favorite word and why? [2]


.... I feel this sounds better without the latter part. It is already said by the first part, quite effectively.


I like this sentence.... very impressive.
I feel this is a very good response. I only wish you had somewhere mentioned the fact that failures provide great insights into where things went wrong and addressing those insights lay the foot steps for the success.

Good job and good luck!

Writing Feedback / Students under 18 should not be allowed to hold jobs [4]

What's the purpose of writing this essay? TOEFL, IELTS or GRE? It's better you include it in the title. Also make sure that you include the prompt in the essay for us to give you more meaningful comments.


However, the students below eighteen years should not be allowed to work part time because this activity may deteriorate their keenness in studies.
In each body paragraph, you need to provide a more specific example to support the reasons you choose to justify !

Writing Feedback / Some people say that increasing working hours leads to economic success [5]


Yes.... I too find a mismatch between the title and the contents of your essay. Have you posted a wrong title?


However, it is important for the employer to find out about the university background such as its rank and the quality of the diploma it offers.


On the other hand, the experience gained throughout life is very important for a person to obtain a good job amidst stiff competition.