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Posts by EF_Susan
Joined: Oct 31, 2009
Last Post: Mar 28, 2016
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Posts: 2310  
From: USA

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EF_Susan   
May 31, 2012
Letters / 'MLC Summer Course Helper' - Language Centre [2]

As you know, I have no working experience at all as a seventeenth years old, so I am extremely eager to begin my very first career of my lifetime so bad, even just for a short term.

At the age of 15, I went to U.S. in order to continue my academic career alone.

The student diversity allows international students like me to further improve our foreign language communication skill as well as social skills.

People might say a seventeenth years old is not mature enough to look after children.

Their children Malena and Christian are 5 years old and 7 years old respectively.

Through the two years of sharing our lives and time together, I learned how to live with children and different people in a harmonious way.

Furthermore, I also have had volunteering experience at the local church taking care children of different ages , nation and personality!

I am not a champion in social skills, but I do love the time I have with children because of how fun it is!---Nice ending sentence, I like it!

Good luck and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 31, 2012
Graduate / 'the recipient liked the bouquet' - critical thinking skills challenge [3]

Most Everyone has a nativean instinctive ability to think logically and critically; but many people, including many small business owners, have never had the training or practice to develop this capacity.

.In my experience, an example of a challenge in which I had to utilize critical thinking was dealing with customers who have made their choice and have purchased a bouquet they thought would be perfect for the recipient only to be remorseful about it

..She was blown away to see how beautiful the bouquet looked and quite happy to tell that she was not expecting what she received.
Very nicely done. You could work on your structure a little bit and I also think it would be in your best interest to develop an opening statement that grabs the reader's attention a little bit more firmly.
EF_Susan   
May 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the profession of photography' - A Statement of purpose [3]

I feel like a magician when holding a camera, because it allows me to express myself and my aesthetic values visually.

Photography is not just a hobby to me, it has taught me who I am as a person, my place in this world and how I react to everyday situations.

When I first started to take photography seriously, I noticed that every photo consisted of many little details that made the concept of the photo change through time .---It would be nice if you elaborate here a little.

This made me realize that everything found on this earth has a meaning and is of importance, and that life is made of good and bad experiences. butWhat matters though, is your outlook on them and how you react to them .

Unfortunately, I have little professional photographic experience, only independent work.

While attending [university], I will try my best to correct this by taking on projects and gaining knowledge and insight in the process of working professionally.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for accounting intern; 'computers as a hobby' [2]

Initially, I had planned on going to school for an associate's degree in computer electronics, but quickly realized that I loved computers as a hobby alone.

Fortunately for me this was early in my college career, and I decided to speak to the business adviser at Kenai Peninsula College, Thomas Dalrymple.

His enthusiasm was contagious, and I knew then, that I had found my calling.---(I just thought adding the word 'that' made the sentence more dramatic. You don't really need it.) :)

My educational goals are driven by the career goal I have set ;---Perfect!--- I need to hold

I hope to create lasting relationships with people, relationships that will be mutually beneficial and if possible apply my knowledge and skills where they will valuable to the forces that helped me to attain them.---This sentence is a little confusing. You could revise for clarity by breaking it into 2 sentences.

:)
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Book Reports / Lord of the Flies -- an allegorical novel? [2]

One bit of advice would be to say that your opening statement should include the book title, just to specify your topic a bit.This is extremely well written i must say. This may just be a personal habit of mine, seeing as how the assignment was 5-8 sentences, short answer, etc but if it were me, I would put a more "finalizing" touch on the closing statement. Other than that, I must say you are a very intelligent and articulate writer. Well done!
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Undergraduate / Personal Narrative- My Broken Hand [3]

Immediately I am able to see that you must begin with a statement that draws the reader in and do so in a way that introduces, more clearly the topic of your essay...

Your portrayal of your family, the incident, the scenery, etc is very well put together and paints a clear and interesting picture of not only the incident itself, but also who YOU are which is essential to great essay writing. Well done:)

....The only one benefit of this splint was using it as a shield from hits of our neighbor children....THAT IS HILARIOUS!!! I am enjoying this read very much!!! :)

I have to say, this is on of the best essays I have ever had the privilege of editing. Nice job!
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / People should take time to relax with hobbies very different from their job [2]

I immediately noticed that the first sentence does not sound introductory. I think it would be helpful to open with something that explains in an attention grabbing way, the topic of your essay. There are also some slight grammar mistakes although if English is your second language then that is completely understandable and they do not detract from your message :) Your second paragraph could be structured a bit more evenly, and try to avoid repeating the same ideas, words, phrases, ...rather, make your idea known and then build off of it in other words. .."...and the reason this practice is so beneficial..." etc. The last piece of advice is to have a more clarified and elaborate closing statement. Good job and good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Lecture and reading passage' - Toefl: integrated essay [5]

On the other hand, the lecture claims that the computerized voting systems can not reliable as welleither .

First, the lecturer says that many people are not used to computers and new technologies. These people can vote wrongly or even do not vote at all because of their fear of technology.

Second, the lecture shows that computers mistakes which can be more severe than human mistakes.

These systems are used daily and heavily, plus, they have been improved on over and over until they became trusted by all of us.

:)
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Graduate / 'the area of Reservoir Engineer' - Statement for petroleum engineer [2]

It is with great pleasure that I submit my application packet for a XXX. I am currently completing my education in the XXX, with one of my emphasis in the area of Reservoir Engineer.

My career interests lead me towards to defining reservoir sources, calculating fluid volume and Phase Transfer and Critic Events in Petroleum Engineering.

I want to help the progress of the Azerbaijan Oil and Gas Industry, which was situated on...

When I took my exam at university and I gathered 632 points out of 700 points in order to I have been awarded USD 100.00 grant per month and I have got a free education by the our government.

Besidesof this, I won a scholarship from British Petroleum (BP) and State Oil Company of Azerbaijan Republic and had an internship in Oil Rocks by Socar.

I see XXX as a wonderful next step for me in attaining my ambitions. Admission to the master's program at University of Manchester would be a crucial step in my academic, professional and personal life.and ambitions.

I am grateful for the opportunity to submit this application for your consideration.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Graduate / 'Working with teens and youths' - Statement of Purpose [2]

In the changing field of Information Technology, where each day unveils new innovations , I wish to acquire an ...

It saddens me to know that a country like Nigeria (my country of residence), finds it difficult to adapt to technology which can serve as an enhancement to economic growth.

This situation has instigated my quest to acquire knowledge and expertise in Business and Computing at the University of Hertfordshire, ...

I have been involved in the development, implementation, and deployment of various bespoke software spanning across different areas of profession.

I also researched Fingerprints Biometrics in a desire to compliment password based security measures with all my reports used as part of the instruments for the deployment of a Biometrics-based Intranet application to eradicate manual time and attendance registers, and paperwork at a company that I work for. ---This sentence is too long, and needs to be cut into 2 for the sake of clarity.

On weekends, I work with teens and youths in community work.

At every point in life, I have also held leadership positions, from being a Sunday school teacher for children, to working as the coordinator of the youth arm of Christ Apostolic Church.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / Society represents the different characteristics of human lifestyle [3]

Society represents the different characteristics of human lifestyles and their relationship with each other.

Major cities alone can't help us to understand the structure of the society and hardly any clear idea is achieved.

Most of the cities are formed by people of various cultures, and different people come from various hamlets and towns, having different reasons to live there.

No static culture is maintained all the time; it keeps on changing with time and the opportunities.

For instance, a person or family who used to live in a village but started life in a city may not be able to spend as much time with their relations as if before.

Whole societies can't be estimated or analyzed by studying just a part of them .

Here I come up with another example, people in New York hardly spent their time for having their food and the people in London who belongs to same western part of the world have their food with peace.---Do you mean that life is so fast paced that people hardly have time to relax and eat?

Characteristics of a society include lot of things, and the study of cities that keep on changing ...

:)
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Carlos, my dad, was my example' - for person who has influenced you [2]

Have you ever thought about what it is like to live in a system that restrains your every action?

Every ounce of food is rationed and your bosses are nothing but puppets that uphold a system gripped by social tensions ready to burst.

The lies are everywhere and any hint of truth is quickly suppressed by fear of exposing the weakness of the system.

For over half a century now, my impoverished country, Cuba, has been systematically tyrannized and indoctrinated to the point where men run the risk of losing their newborn child to give them a life worth living.

Leaving behind our whole family, from cousins to grandparents, was the ultimate price we paid in hope of making something out of ourselves.

Only seeing him for a couple of hours a day was tough, but only now I understand that his sacrifices have established the strong foundations at home.

This is coming along fine. What a wonderful tribute to your dad!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 24, 2012
Book Reports / Discuss "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by Junot Diaz. [4]

First of all, you want your opening statement to be one that grabs the reader's attention, so try to develop a stronger one..
Also, your second sentence needs clarification, for example you say "ideal gender" when you are discussing "gender ideals which are entirely different concepts..

You should try to put more feeling into it, maybe try and relate, identify or sympathize in some way so it doesn't look as though you are just doing the assignment. It should always appear as though you are passionate about your topic in essay writing...even if you are not :)

...Lola is a punk chick and a runaway girl, who despises her abusive mother and was bored in life. Belicia is another example of being a wild girl who falls in love entirely and causes troubles for her own.

There also must be an ending. Try and find a nice way to close this with a summarizing statement or two.
Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) - Argumentative Essay [2]

I agree with the author, because censorship from the whole worldwide web will only be an inconvenience to the users, because for some of them, the internet is a part of their jobs.

The SOPA may serve as a solution to a problem, but it will also create a new one, which is the inconvenience to people and the business transactions that will be interrupted.

Everyone definitely has a right to their own files, and they should be protected if the owners, ---no comma here--- themselves, do not want their files to be copied.

You made some good points! I think though, that the essay ends rather abruptly. It seems like there should be one more sentence added at the end.

:)
EF_Susan   
May 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'cadets working as a team' - extracurricular activities/work experiences [2]

WithThis elective, it helped me develop character, manners, leadership skills, and many other important skills that are needed in the real world.

At the end of my high school career, as a senior, I was promoted to a flight commander.

This is a little bit confusing, because it is so impersonal. You're saying a lot about what the AFJROTC is and does, but hardly anything about what you did. Just try to make it more personal if you can. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Scad statement of purpose- "A little about me'' [2]

I believe that if you can't imagine yourself doing anything else but that one particular thing, then that's what you should be doing.

I can't even think of something I would remotely like doing as much as fashion design. ---I would leave this sentence out, as you don't need it and it detracts from the essay.

Lawyer wasn't really appealing to me either, so I set out to find a career that my family approved of and I could tolerate for the next 40 years.

...but in the back of my mind all I wanted to do was make the beautiful gowns the celebrities wore, that I saw in the magazines. my mom brought.

The summer I was going into 6th grade, my mom found out the store Rainbow had layaway.

I had been trying to fit in for so long I didn't know who I was or what I liked.

A cozy sweater that matches with everything, the perfect jeans you've had for years, that dress your wore on your first date with the man you were destined to spend the rest of your life with.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / FSOT - "The so called 'stars' are promoting politicians of their choice' [2]

During the 2008 elections, popular entertainers were heavily involved in the electoral process, and raised unprecedented amounts of money for their candidates of choice.

While The word 'while' makes this sentence incomplete. You can fix it like this; "Others argue that popular entertainers have the right and obligation to speak their minds."

...Amendment of the Constitution, entertainers should recognize that they do in fact enjoy a greater influence on political debate compared to normal Americans, thus should refrain from taking...

Those that would argue that entertainers have the right to speak out on political issues might point to the first amendment of the constitution , which guarantees freedom of speech.

As far as freedom of speech is concerned, it is not always proper to exercise it. ---Good point!

At the same time, entertainers should not shy away from seizing the opportunity to communicate with large numbers of people .

There are many examples of this having been successful in the past.

This is because all entertainers do in fact enjoy easy access to media due to their popularity, and therefore command the attention of a great number of the American people .---Not just Americans!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 23, 2012
Book Reports / Story of an Hour - Thesis Help [2]

Yes, as soon as you write it, even a rough draft, send it here and we'll have a look at it. It sounds like you've done this type of essay before, and might not need much of an edit, but it won't hurt to have some feedback! I look forward to some interesting reading, as your topic is great.

:)
EF_Susan   
May 22, 2012
Scholarship / Peace Corps Essay #2 - A Muslim-Catholic child in a Jewish pre-school [2]

Let me start by saying that your opening paragraph is absolutely beautiful :)
...I became aware of the fact that keeping the trust of those around you, especially in situations where two cultures meet, is of the upmostutmost importance in developing relationships.

. It was around this period (I added that to avoid using "time" twice in the same sentence) that I was left out of a celebration for the first time

Wow. Aside from those minor (and one optional) revisions, this is very well said and I think you have absolutely met the criteria for this essay in a very heartwarming and inspiring way. Great job and good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'War in Afghanistan and Iraq' essay reviewed with the top 3 areas of improvement [2]

Hello. Well, I can offer you some suggestions for improvement. Firstly, I don't know if this assignment was to be a certain number of words but either way, you can definitely condense it a bit by not being so repetitive of certain opinions and facts (though a select few of them bear repeating I suppose). Another thing that is important, is that even with an "argumentative" essay, for example, it is proper to state OPINIONS as such ("In MY opinion,...") and to distinguish the difference between fact and personal feeling. This is especially important in matters of politics, life and death, war, etc.. Finally, your structure could use improvement. Keep it simple: A clear and concise opening statement, followed by a clear introductory paragraph, followed by a few more to support your theme, followed by a nice close. That is the essence of an essay. Try to avoid filler and writing in circles. Good luck! :)
EF_Susan   
May 22, 2012
Research Papers / PSYC 100 Take-home Assignment: The new science of teenage brains [2]

THEORY:

Their constant desire to make the more reckless, dysfunctional decision puzzles psychologists everywhere - Why do ...

HYPOTHESIS:
Putting it simply, 'if we smartened up sooner, we'd end up duller'.

RESEARCH:
A graph is plotted based on how many subjects actually give in and take the risk versus the age group,...

Confound - Possible confounds are if the subject has already been smoking or has experienced skydiving previously in their lives, which would then present the activity as a far lesser risk.

These factors many decrease the randomness of the subjects chosen but will not affect the experiment's overall conclusions.

Experiment 2-
This is illustrated by testing a group of subjects playing a video game -

To try to drive across a town in as little time as possible.---This is an incomplete sentence.

A clear in peak for teenagers in the graph shows that they do indeed...

CONCLUSIONS: Researchers such as Steinberg and Casey believe that this risk-friendly weighing, cost versus reward has been selected for over the course of human...

Even though teenagers use basically the same cognitive strategies that adults do, and process information through the same reasoning;

:)
EF_Susan   
May 16, 2012
Book Reports / 'human rights and autonomy of groups' - A Thousand Splendid Suns Thesis statement [2]

Well, without having read the book, I'll say this. You professor is right in terms of making your statement less generalized. That statement could apply to many writings, unfortunately, since women are oppressed far and wide. Now based on your statement and the fact that this is an argumentative thesis, I am guessing that the author in some way condones the mistreatment of women; perhaps unconsciously, as it is a cultural norm. That being said, you should try and make your statement as specific as possible, such as "Hosseni creates the general feeling that it is acceptable to (_____) towards women. Or "in this book (_____) towards women (or any group of people you feel are dehumanized, etc in this book) is written about in such a nonchalant way that the reader starts to almost become desensitized to it. Again, try to really familiarize yourself with the book enough to make a very specific statement about it.

Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay on Barbara Kruger [2]

Barbara Kruger's works deals with mass media.

Kruger's works expose the deception by re-constructing works in mass media through appropriation.

Firstly , the aesthetics and style of her work play with simulacra, as they are made to look like a sign or billboard advertisement.

The perfect version of an ideal self is sold to you by the media, which has the invisible power of crafting your desire and shaping the way you act.

Foucault's view on how we know some things and not others can also be extrapolated to included gender discourse.

In her work "We Don't Need another Hero," Kruger breaks down the narratives of male dominance by a directly rejecting the regulatory fiction of the American hero, while ironically, at the same time appearing to perpetuate it.

Except for these few minor corrections, your essay is very well written! Good luck with school!

:)
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Graduate / 'The profession of a Physician's Assistant meets my goals' - Personal Narrative Essay [2]

Very nice intro and opening paragraph :)
I must tell about the experience when I traveled to Manhattan, N.Y. ...Let me please praise you for your candor, humor and the sheer intrigue of such an experience. I am so glad you included this, it truly makes your essay unique and original :)

Of course I have shadowed PA's and surgeons in other specialties...
... I'm not just ready to start; I actually cannot wait!! to start

Excellent!!! :)
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Regular and Acceleration - Two Programs in The Learning Process [2]

Well I think your interpretation of the subject matter is quite accurate and nicely demonstrated. Your grammar is a bit off, but your point is very clear. Be mindful of how over-repetition can affect your essay for the reader and cut down on using the same words/phrases in excess. I think you are well on your way! Great job, good luck and have fun in school!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: selecting / processing information- very important skill a person should learn [3]

Many skills are contributing to the success of modern people, such as reading, writing, communication. The ability to make use of massive information is the one may outdo others in this Web 2.0 Times....< that part could use some clarification....

Today , information is produced by both media and individuals...Though more books are in the market to be choose, less people spend their time to read a book in depth. In addition, the wide-spreade Internet, especially after the advent of social network,enables everybody to generate information and shared it with others

Nice work!! I only highlighted areas which I revised or felt needed revision. Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Essays / STRUCURE of THEATRE + PERFORMACE ESSAY. I have to compare two dramatists. [2]

Firstly, be sure to analyze your questions very carefully, to be able to fully immerse yourself, wholeheartedly into such a lengthy statement. Next, develop a compelling introduction. Start with a point which establishes the similarity among each of the subjects. You want to give the reader a clear premise upon which to build. Then you just organize your paragraph sequence and have a strong summary. These are two very rich and intriguing characters, I'm sure will have much to work with. Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Essays / Need help with a 'compare and contras' essay: TITHONUS & SONG OF MYSELF [2]

Well, upon reading these poems, the comparison of being a reflection/evaluation (an autobiography of the soul)...and the major contrast that I find is that Walt Whitman seems to sort of detach, in a positive way, his soul from worldly things, making a distinction between who he is spiritually and who he is in the physical world and how nature and science affect him in only positive ways ?

As opposed to Tithonus, which is clearly a more wallowing, completely intertwined with the burdens of life and emotion and the physical world type of statement. That's all I got! Hope it is in some way helpful!! Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Graduate / Right focus, Master's of Public Policy, concentration in social policy [3]

"Are people really equal?" This provocative question of my professor was a beginning of Constitutional Law class and my continuing journey to explore issues, that don't provide easy answers. It was fresh, novel for me by way of inquiry, that has awaked my curiosity and gave me uneasiness over the questions of equality and liberty, luck and responsibility, social justice and policy, that shaped my life thereafter. This first sentence holds valuable information but would be presented better in the form of several sentences rather than a run-on.

...One evening, creating a three-month plan for personal development, I observed that I am planning with much more enjoyment with my activity related to civil society, rather than my professional progress in a law firm.

That led to more general thoughts about long-term plans. It was an important finding about me - I gain enduring sense of fulfillment only working on problems, which constitute public interest, that have importance for the whole society.

Just a few revisions made, but overall looks great!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Graduate / Best approach to critical reflection essay structure (Master Level Business) [2]

Your instincts on how to do it will make for a good critical reflection. I wonder if "works cited" is a requirement, as they so often are. You may want to follow through, for good measure, and continue your references for the second half as well. Also, be sure to add a compelling opening statement and you should be all set!! Good luck and have fun in school!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / GMAT AWA Essay (Falling Revenues and Manufacturing delays) [3]

The first statement/paragraph looks great!
The arugument could have been more clearly demonstrated if the actual relationship between purchasing of metals and manufacturing of goods was clearly specified.
...To sumIn conclusion, the argument is weak and unconvincing because of the above mentioned reasons. The argument can be made more persuasive by providing evidences as specified above. Without these facts, the argument is not very convincing and fails to impress the reader.

Good job and good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Essays / Help with critical appraisal essay (Physiotherapy degree) [2]

brighton.ac.uk/ncor/tutorials/EBP_Tutorial_intro_Critical_Appraisal_Sk ills.pdf
csudh.edu/phenom_studies/study/guide/guide.htm

I have never actually written a critical a critical appraisal essay but I think you may find these links helps helpful. Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Poetry / How to write an analysis of the poem? [4]

Well, you must first develop a strategy and a layout. I would, (forgive me for stating the obvious) read the poem to the point of memorization that you are able truly immerse yourself in it's meaning and where the write was coming from. Of course, for a good essay, you will need a nice opening statement : "The poem Orchid by Hazel Simmons-Mcdonald is a rich and moving work of art" for example I would take it apart and cover, piece by interesting piece, what certain words/phrases mean to you, as well as how the writer may have intended them to be perceived.

You may conclude with an overall summary if it's general message/feeling/tone and a strong closing statement.
Good luck:)
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'female dominance' - IELTS-post-school qualifications by gender in Australia 1999 [3]

I have thoroughly reviewed the chart, as well as your analysis of it, per my job requirement :) and can find not a single flaw in your presentation. I'm not sure if you felt there was definite need for correction or were discouraged in some way, but as far as I can see, this is spot-on! I hope that my review and reassurance has helped you! Good job, good luck and have fun in school!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay on social networking services [3]

Yes, your point is indeed positive and clear.
If someone says, "Facebook me!", people are usually not surprised. Because , new terminology has come into our lives such as...
First, Social networking websites gives people an opportunity to connect worldwide and in this way the users have a chance to learn foreign cultures and languages.

Because, there are millions of people who use social networking websites, so it is very useful to learn about different traditions and practiceslanguages and different personality which could benefit, especially, young people in their live.

I like your political feedback on this matter, it is very interesting and thought provoking.
, n my opinion observed that the number of advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Research Papers / Narrowing down a research topic about abortion. [3]

Wow! What an assignment. Well, I don't know if arguing one side or the other is an option or desire of yours, but that would undoubtedly make it personal. I am in favor of your idea of the topic about the possibility of completely banning it, that could prove to be a very interesting and thought provoking avenue. In addition, the direction of presenting a "what-if" situation such as a ban is original in and of itself, as it goes beyond the science and emotion of abortion and itself and both sides of the issue. You could also, or instead create a section for the alternative, being no restrictions at all (which feels gross even to type!!)

You are on the right track and in my opinion, any personal thoughts on the matter alongside theory and fact will of course make it your own.

Good luck!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'the world will never stop developing' - doing the same things and avoiding change. [3]

On the one hand, there is an abundance of people that contend that they get used to with their daily life and they are satisfied with it.

On the other hand, a host of progressive protests that the world is changing at alarming rates so it is inescapable for every one to accept changes and go according to changes. According to theory, when you dare to change, you would have chances to improve skills and gain new experiences.

good job!
EF_Susan   
May 10, 2012
Undergraduate / Dependent Children Program Assistant: Application Essay [2]

Great introduction!!!
...Through years of experience working with children, I have become an enlightened teacher with many positive assets
This is wonderful!! I made one optional revision, but otherwise, I have nothing but positive feedback for you! Great job, nice structure, functional layout and superb delivery:)
EF_Susan   
May 9, 2012
Letters / [Appeal letter] pursuing an education in the social sciences - for NUS FASS [3]

Good introduction; clear, simple, grateful and honest...
[is this part too dramatic?]...I don't believe so and I think the truth is more commendable and enticing coming from a student; especially in a letter of appeal, rather than sugar-coating

Furthermore, I aspire to become an Economics teacher not only because of my interest in this profession but more importantly, to serve my community.
As such , I would greatly appreciate it if you would kindly reconsider granting me the opportunity to pursue an education in the FASS. I am quite confident that my present determination, passion and hope for fulfilling my bright future will far outweigh any short-comings from my past. This opportunity would be the path to the life of my dreams

I humbly thank you for your consideration and time,
Sincerely,

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