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Posts by linmark
Joined: Nov 10, 2009		 Last Post: Dec 25, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 325  
From: england

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linmark   
Mar 29, 2010
Graduate / Statement of Purpose For PhD in Management (MBA) -- human behavior [6]

You have a rich background in H.R. - please pick out the most significant and build on it. This will strengthen your essay and make it more interesting, engaging for the reader. (Quality, not quantity - you don't need to recount every experience in the past 5 years.) There are many grammatical corrections I could make but first, please try to synthesize your experiences and succinctly state what compels you to get a Phd (aside from curiosity - which is what it sounds like from this paragraph:

All these experiences of the past half a decade mentioned above has lead me to firmly believe that ore of human behavior and organization has lead me to believe that(unnecessary repetition?) I should go on further into decrypting the values, attitudes, perception and behavior of people in organizations and personal life.

linmark   
Mar 3, 2010
Undergraduate / SOP for HKUST - to build on language, heritage [4]

Hey, appreciate your feedback! It made me think of reordering and restructuring the last two sentences. Does this work better?

They worked tirelessly throughout their entire lives in order to create a better future for their children. These values enabled them to create a successful business legacy; an achievement that made me appreciate and admire the Chinese values and culture I inherited. I would like to build on this heritage.

My personal goal is to work in Asia after college, ------ be more specific!

Can't be more specific! I just hope to get a (any) job that pays for my stay and the best way to do that is to speak the language and learn somethimg useful (like currency trading.)

Does it help to write that?

I chose HKUST,ranked fifth best university in Asia, for the opportunity to experience its global business program taught from a Chinese or Asian perspective.

My !BAD! corrected !! Is it necessary to mention the ranking? Only did that to show that I did some homework on the school.
And yeah, the only Qigong I have tried (so far) is the Mao hand swatting pose which is supposed to be the most efficient - 400 swats per day standing is all you need to be fit!! Check it out!!
linmark   
Mar 2, 2010
Undergraduate / SOP for HKUST - to build on language, heritage [4]

Hello everyone,
How does this read to you? Love to get your feedback and thx so much!!

Prompt: Please describe your academic purpose for study abroad and explain why you have chosen this particular country and institution. You may wish to include your interests (intellectual, social and other), personal achievements, and future aspirations.

Although I have a Spanish-Finnish father and a Singaporean-American mother, I never lived anywhere else besides in London. As a result, I am determined to explore as much of the world as possible. By spending a semester at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology (HKUST), I will have studied in three different continents and been exposed to three completely different cultures. Additionally, my maternal grandparents built their careers by creating a successful business legacy in the banking industry out of Hong Kong. They worked tirelessly their entire lives in order to create a better future for their children. This instilled in me an appreciation and admiration of their Chinese values and culture. These values enabled them to create a successful business legacy and I would like to build on that heritage.

My personal goal is to work in Asia after college, and HKUST is the first step towards that goal. Ranked fifth best university in Asia, I chose HKUST primarily for the opportunity to experience its global business program taught from a Chinese or Asian perspective. Hong Kong served as a financial hub for Asia since it was a British colony and more importantly, for China after the 1997 handover. I intend to take advantage of this immense wealth of financial learning and know-how by taking finance (my main concentration) and currency exchange rate management courses such as Econ338: Globalization - Trade, Investment and Exchange Rate in order to fulfill my Business Breadths. I hope this will help give me initial exposure to understanding how Asian finance and currency markets work. Indeed, HKUST prides itself on its scientific and analytical methods of teaching business combined with case studies, which I find particularly useful. This approach to learning international finance in a dynamic Asian setting would not be possible if I did not go abroad to HKUST.

An essential pillar of my dream career is familiarity with the Chinese culture and language. For this reason, I took Chinese-011 my first semester at xxxx. But I realized that it was not enough; better to immerse myself in intensive courses and real-life practice. I plan on taking an intensive Chinese course at HKUST, as well as Lang111: Chinese Business Communication in order to learn how to use Chinese for business situations. Being able to use Chinese in both the office as well as in the streets will be an essential asset when working and living in Asia. Additionally, I want to take an Asian Studies course, more specifically Chinese Studies, in order to better understand and learn about the culture in Asia and China. With this new-found knowledge, I intend to travel in order to fully immerse myself in the culture and traditions of China. From the HKUST semester abroad experience, I hope to strengthen my knowledge and network connections. This could help improve my chances of obtaining an internship in Hong Kong or mainland China next summer. Hence, HKUST is the best choice for my semester abroad.

In conclusion, studying at HKUST provides me with the dual opportunity to focus my studies as well as embrace my ancestral cultural roots. To witness and hopefully be part of the world's fastest growing economy, all while taking exceptional business courses in a relevant environment and learning a new language is an opportunity that only comes around once in a lifetime. I hope to be given this invaluable chance to further pursue my studies at one of Asia's best business schools and take the first step towards realizing one of my personal goals.
linmark   
Mar 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Man Ponders Himself - Transfer admission Essay [6]

Much better! I appreciate how you worked to improve it. But I am left skeptical at the end for some reason. I think it's because of the platitudes in the last 2 sentences. It contrasts with the sincerity of the earlier stuff.

After researching the benefits of physical therapy and applying reflexology techniques, it was obvious that certain points of pressure could activate or affect another point in the body.

This sentence comes out of nowhere. Who researched? You? At the age of 12?
linmark   
Mar 1, 2010
Undergraduate / The apocalypse, or judgment day - Help For essay sample Northwest University [9]

The concluding sentence in your first paragraph does not tie in to the essay's last concluding sentence: The best way to do so is to declare anti-pollution as a basis of the law, as important as human rights, because at the end, neglect is a crime against humanity.Is this the main point you are trying to make? If so, state it upfront and use each subsequent paragraph to convince the reader to support this point.

It is now proven by science, and obliges us to wonder about human's existence, his sacrifices, struggles that might all disappear.

What do you intend to convey? "might all disappear" needs to be more clearly worded. DO YOU MEAN FUTILE SACRIFICES AND STRUGGLES?

If we (ECOLOGISTS?) stopped THISoperationENGINE ALL of a sudden, as would any ecologist, the world would fall into anarchy.

YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL WITH USAGE OF "WE," "HE" "THEY" - try to name who you are talking about. The middle part of your essay verges on being a diatribe.

It leaves us WITHto a dilemma:
Is immerging IMMERSING ?? the world today into anarchy worth saving human's existence?

linmark   
Mar 1, 2010
Graduate / New Requirement = Odd Twist on the Personal Statement [3]

I can only comment on the overall question you posed on how to answer the supplement without being hypothetical or "faked." You would not be afoul of instructions by describing "the type of issue I am interested in aiming my studies and practice toward." Caveat: I am unfamiliar with the terms and constructs used in social work studies.

1. Describe a social problem. Assuming you have the power and resources at your disposal, what would you recommend for intervention and/or social change to address the social problem?

To me, this asks you to present a personal example of your choice (like a "case study") to show how you think and what you are like as a person. If you prefer not to be hypothetical, come up with a meaningful experience in the past where you wanted to intervene to address a social problem. This gives you the opportunity to present issues that are important to you, bring out your values and passion for social work, as well as any other vital personal aspects that you want the AO to know. Don't forget to structure the case with solid analysis and actionable, practical recommendations for solutions.

2. Describe how your personal and intellectual qualifications, past human service experience and/or future goals are relevant

While the application asks for your grades, college coursework and work experience elsewhere, this is where you personalize your c.v., highlight the most impressive parts, draw attention to your strengths. Or simply recap why social work is your chosen mission/goal, why your "interests are in addressing the varied psychosocial issues experienced by a certain population and not in systematically addressing large societal issues"
linmark   
Feb 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

an environment in which I thrive.

This phrase after the hyphen seems disjointed from the beginning of your sentence (philosophical debates.)

The thrill of contributing pieces to science's puzzle is the root of my success.

What interest you the most - is it the thrill of piecing together the science puzzle? I would remove "root of my success" - or reword it so it is the success of solving the puzzle that motivates you the most.

I don't think you answered the prompt of why Carleton College:

the intelligent and open minded Carletonians smilecreating a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth.

This is very general - was there a particular department or club that drew you to C?
linmark   
Feb 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Oberlin Supplement: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... [6]

escaping it to inquire the sun is the only way to be happy.

inquire doesn't seem right - did you mean ACQUIRE the sun? I agree with Naveen that you should tie in Oberlin to the sun i.e. a place out of the storm and rain. (you could also dance in the sun...)
linmark   
Feb 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Man Ponders Himself - Transfer admission Essay [6]

I would shorten the Izzy third paragraph (which pretty much dominates your essay) and work on developing your last paragraph or close. Why does a good paying job with a promising future not fill your void? What motivates you (other than curiosity) to study neurobiology? Corrections in RED:

Yes, money pays, but it doesn't feelFILL my void. My dreams and aspirations are far different than what is taught here and though I stand at the teller window and debilitateDELIBERATE on issues of commerce all day,

linmark   
Feb 18, 2010
Undergraduate / A pharmacologist - "Describing aspirations" Essay [8]

To me Aspirations are the things that keep me moving, and the one that stand out MOVES ME the most is my desire to become a Pharmacist. Growing up in a rather below LOWER middle class family, life wasn't as easy as it would appears to be.

HOW DOES REWORDING WORK FOR YOU?

That along ALONE is one of my biggest motivations because being a pharmacologist is a way for me to support the family, not just put foods on the table but put MAKE their only dream, and myself MINE AS WELL, comes to life. Also with a career in hand, I could go back and help improves the world

linmark   
Feb 18, 2010
Undergraduate / My Mom: Someone with an influence on your life - Common Applicatiton Essay [7]

She has always been there for me and supported me whenever I made decisions. During the most difficult times in my life I knew I could turn to her.

It would be nice to read examples of each of these formative experiences eg. can you recap the most difficult time in you life when she helped you make a transformative decision or get through a major obstacle or insurmountable difficulty?

Mothers are there to do

My mother pushed me to my true potential and kept me focused on performing better in school.

How did she do this besides advice and peptalk?

give me advice about keep practicing the work and not to give up.

Her outlook on life has been a great influence on how I have TO live my life.

linmark   
Feb 18, 2010
Graduate / SOP Corporate law LLM -India [6]

How can a corporate lawyer improve people's lives in India?
If you answer that question, it might be a good way to start!

Does this mean that you do not have any examples of how a corporate lawyer can contribute to society? What do you want to do as a corp lawyer? help defend the poor against the rich? help defend nonprofit orgs that help the poor defend against corporates? or help corporates defend against other corporates?

It seems that you do not know your destination. First, define where you want to be in the spectrum of corporate law. (If you don't know, google.) Then, you will have to come up with why you need to go to the UK.
linmark   
Feb 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "fear for challenge" - Brown University Transfer Essay [13]

The first half of the essay does not seem connected to the second half. First, it was about your father's change and acceptance of your going to school in the US, then all of a sudden, in the last paragraph (single sentences don't count) it was about a different subject leaving me totally confused.

However, as I became ready to delve deeply into what I believed would be my lifelong academic aspirations, the limits became apparent, and I chose to willingly ignore the fact that there are not many resources specifically suit my academic needs.

You need to focus more on this part - the prompt asks why are you transferring. These very general statemtns (what are your lifelong aspirations, what limits became apparent, what was the fact of insufficient resources?)

When my beloved advisor told me that he was retiring at the end of my sophomore year, I thought "No big deal; there must be someone else who's doing African development." Sadly, there's no one else.

Is the retirement of your beloved adviser the reason you are transferring? You write as if the school is discontinuing the African development department?

When I realized that beyond the glorious surface of the divestment claims were some nasty realities, I did not feel terribly sorry for the endangered space for open dialogue which I cherished.

I am totally LOST!! Where is this coming from? Is it the same essay?
What divestment claims? what nasty realities, what endangered space for open dialogue.
The same goes for the rest of the sentences - they don't fit in, you haven't prepared the reader at all for the context (are you switching back to your father's job in China or are you referring to the college situation compelling you to transfer ?
linmark   
Feb 17, 2010
Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree? a jury has access to the defendant's past record [5]

These mistakes should be cleaned up:

concession to fetch the defendant's past record has been AROUND last for a long time. Some people who are against for it argue

reason is that I do think it HELPSis helpful for the court to judge correctly

or BE BETTER INFORMED TO JUDGE

and by checkING one's past criminal records, undoubtedly

Secondly, as for the reason that it influences the judger's judgement proposed by the opponents, it is a conclusion worth of rethinking. Owing to a judgement result is made by the jury ultimately, soit is the jury's responsibility to make an objective judgement, WITHOUT THE BIAS OF PAST RECORDS but not the past record's responsibility . In other words, a jury should analyZe a defendant's past material objectively. If he could not, then, it is him or other things should be responsible for the case.

OTHER THAN THE PART I HIGHLIGHTED IN RED, THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH IS CONFUSING

the individual's any information.

"ANY" IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE WORD -WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
linmark   
Feb 16, 2010
Undergraduate / an aspiring student, Why are you considering Stony Brook University? [4]

Hi Fatima, Your starting line has great potential. You now need to find out what amongst ALL Stony Brook's benefits are the most important for you to succeed in life. This will require you to find out more about the school's various departments and course offerings. You also may have to do some soul-searching into what you want to do (and it's OK if you can't decide or don't really know YET, that's why you want to go to university - to find out, duhh.)

I believe Stony Brook University WILL INSPIRE has all the benefits that an aspiring studentS LIKE has that will aid me TO PURSUE AN EDUCATION in pursuing my education to TO further succeed in life.

For some reason, I cannot get the PREVIEW option to work, so apologize if this came out garbled.
linmark   
Feb 16, 2010
Graduate / SOP Corporate law LLM -India [6]

In addition to why a master's corporate law, you also need to convince the AO of why the UK. Do you already practice law in India? Wouldn't you also need a local Indian law degree?

In short, as per your request, 2-3 lines or give some example so that i get an idea of the SOP:
1) Short introduction of yourself, your background and qualifications, why corporate law and why the UK and this particular institution
2) Follow up paragraphs to develop each point with info that highlights why you should be admitted to XYZ lawschool.
3) Conclude with a recap of the most compelling convincing arguements of your purpose for the LLM in the reader's school.
linmark   
Feb 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia Transfer essay, a sense of who you are (international student) [2]

Ohhhh - I get it!! Your theme of walls...the powerful imagery of the Great Wall (of China) came to mind upon re-reading your essay (oh - and there was the Berlin wall too.) Some questions, suggestions, corrections (in RED):

it's simply the view outside my boundaries - if you want to use the word outside, it should include outside what... that motivates me to crossget s over the walls.

Why repeat "every single"? I would get rid of every single one of them (absolutes are a NONO.)

using very single standardsthat tucked away in my subconscious. However, after this time, I began to discover every single meritson in each individual. I found judging people is ridiculous, since every singleeach individual has their own distinguishing feature.

Instead of "ridiculous" (a weak adverb) how about "self-defeating as each time it puts me back over the all ... or makes my walls go back up?. Can you come up with

We should not view others using our own standard which would inevitably penetrate our own prejudice, and would obstruct us from seeing objectively.

Isn't this sentence a half non-sequitur? Be careful of conflicting or double negatives. Using your own prejudiced standard would NOT penetrate your own prejudice. It would only obstruct you from seeing objectively. So either you go with one or the other: using your own (unobjective or biased) standards would obstruct you from seeing objectively; or we should view others using objective unbiased standards. Keep it simple!!

Whenever I found myself being trapped in the circle of prejudice, I would expand my vista to letfree myself from this vicious circlelimit to a narrow circle.

linmark   
Feb 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / Narrative essay about an experience that has changed the way I lean [3]

You are "on-course" writing about how you learnt to deal with stress. But your recap of the prompt says to write about how an experience CHANGED the way you LEARN. The key words are CHANGED and THE WAY YOU LEARN. That to me means some before and after narrative as well as recognition of a better process of learning. What do you think? Also, I stumbled on these parts:

The bus began to move and my stomach started to turn.

This gives the impression that you were going to be carsick (and throw up.)

This soon irritated the older, and thus (how about the word) seemingly superior, student across from me,

My parents who were watching ed from the driveway

The section on your mom seems lengthy and "off course." And I was not sure if it was the embarrassment she caused or embarrassment from your own behavior that led you to realize how the situation could have been better dealt with.
linmark   
Feb 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay About My Grandmother - Feedback [2]

Your title of a narrative essay is very broad. What else do you want to communicate besides general narration about your grandmother? I am not sure what "on topic" means (in response to your question "I want to know if stayed in the topic or what." There were times it felt as if you were ramling.

Can I make a suggestion? Select the main idea from each paragraph and see what thesis statement (important conclusion) emerges. What is the memorable "big idea" you want to leave the reader with? There should be a main one and maximum (the magic) three supportive ideas. Finally, there are still many typos. Please be sure you correctly spell the words for what you want them to mean and not how they sound (like ants instead of aunts.)
linmark   
Feb 14, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

You are applying to the Rotman commerce school, so some business relevance would be appropriate.
Specify what positive change, what ideals you want to make happen at UoT:

positive change to the Rotman Commerce community. I will be an active participant, taking initiative in achieving my ideals.

Any particular facet/application of business?Any aspect of the curriculum you find most appealing?
linmark   
Feb 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "So what do you plan on doing now?" -Common Application Transfer Essay [10]

Your writing is poignant and engaging. It would be riveting to learn how you see yourself fitting in to the US as a Muslim.
Some mention of your desired field of study and why this college would be great. And of course, how does this transfer lead you to fulfilling your future objectives and aspirations.
linmark   
Feb 14, 2010
Undergraduate / APPAREL INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER [3]

Are you planning to apply to work in a different sector? Which one? Specifically, what other manufacturers are reluctant to hire apparel industrial engineers? Is this what you mean by "recognized?"

This could be attributed to industrial production downturn due to the ongoing global recession. Very few industries are hiring, more reducing their work force and cutting costs. Unless you are in an emerging and growing economy (China, Brazil, India, Russia?)
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "ready to return to my learning state of mind" - SCAD STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [5]

My old love wasloss did you mean lost ? , as I was too addicted to this lifestylealcohol (??). It only brought me problems and the alcohol only contributed to more problems. It sooner gave me a DUI and a series of tickets. What do you mean by DUI and a series of ticket?

I still have what it takes to become the best.

No need to undersell yourself!!!
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / The apocalypse, or judgment day - Help For essay sample Northwest University [9]

I want to say that at the end of one's life, we always ask ourselves what we accomplished. It's something very important to feel at peace.

Based on what you said earlier (on honoring your ancestors,) you can develop your thesis statement to be about preserving the human race and the planet (i.e. nature.) Talk about how you see your self doing this - spend more time on this than doomsday or armageddon. Tie that into what you want to study and why NW.
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Scholarship / career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay [8]

Millions of people, whether young or old, are weakened or killed by sickness;

The senior citizen in your example was not demonstrably sick, just old and perhaps overfed/overweight. Do you have another moving experience with a sick person?

I refuse to let financial difficulties stop my educational pursuits.

You can also mention willingness to work (and earn your keep.) Colleges now give more work/study opportunities.

who wants to achieve something more than himself. By this I mean becoming an object used to spread peace of mind to many people. By using this resources, it will bring my chase to a medical profession closer, and in doing so I can help hundreds of people with the medical attention they need.

Sorry to be harsh here but this is not a strong sell. What do you mean "achieve something more than yourself" and "chase to a medical profession closer" - that appears self-meaningful. You also did not write about "what would it mean to you if you received it" - in the prompt."
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "to become an extraordinary teacher",common application-extracurricular activity [8]

how capable I was of becoming an extraordinary teacher who could aspire children and could lead them to a successful future.

It is more inspiring/convincing that being an extraordinary teacher ...etc. is your dream/aspiration than your realization (at the end of the experience of your essay.)
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application- Favorite Activity (I participated in Green Team) [8]

I take shorter showers, recycle used leaves of paper and I am eager to join an organization that performs services to benefit the plant.

You were taking shorter than 15 mins showers - I'm not sure you want to give the impression that even shorter showers constitutes a significant contribution.

A more meaningful concluding sentence (than joining an organization) would help...
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / My journey towards success - This is for my common application [6]

having the financial luxury my father was blessed with, I never knew the meaning of neither patience n or obstacles.

because if I had not wentgone through it

I know now that truly "What does not kill me, makes me stronger."

This comes out of nowhere - the extent of "what does not kill" has not been eluded to earlier
linmark   
Feb 13, 2010
Undergraduate / a psychology major, passion for learning: Common App transfer essay [4]

As a first generation college student, my parents and my lack of experience with college applications seemed to accelerate the approaching deadlines.

Something is not right here - how did your parents and lack of experience accelerate the deadlines?

not one tree producing oxygen.

I reread this several times until I found what kept me stumbling in your intro paragraph. If there are no trees, why are there "constant meteor showers comprised of tree trunks?" Did you mean the trunks of dead trees (I guess so as it is in the Sahara, right?) Conflicting imagery to me.

To my unfortunate dismay

an exitingexciting new experience

The third and fourth paragraphs don't fit with the first two. The maserati final upgrade analogy is cool but out of place. Up to now, the reader still in a desert with plummeting tree trunks. Maybe consider introducing this point upfront in beginning paragraph when you mention a car "In my road, a new car represents the accomplishment of a goal."

my goal of communicating my message of abstinence across to others.

This comes out of the blue (like another meteor/tree trunk.) If this is of importance to expressing your values, it would help to clarify what you mean by "message of abstinence."

I have had four rewarding semesterS .

linmark   
Feb 11, 2010
Writing Feedback / the effects of stress (cause and effect paper) [11]

I like this topic. Are you writing this for a psych class? Since you mention "cause and effect," I would start by establishing some understanding about both (what causes stress and its effects.) Are you asked for a personal opinion or mainly citing academic research?

Once you have defined both, you will need to make an outline of your "thesis" concluding your findings on the effects of stress. Then a wrap up conclusion is appropriate.

That's all you have to do.
linmark   
Feb 9, 2010
Graduate / Leading: "your greatest talents and/or abilities" Applying for an MBA [3]

assuming mistakes and listening... Should this be, 'avoiding mistakes'?

I think you mean being responsible(or accountable) for my mistakes...

My love to embrace leading roles, to accept new challenges for life combined with good communication skills are qualities vital to achieve what makes me feel passionate.
... qualities which consist of being a good decision-maker,

The aforementioned are generic qualities of most students vying for an MBA. What distinguishes your form them? You might want to consider including a unique personal talent beyond being a good team leader for group studies.
linmark   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Teaching, advising, and mentoring - Smith Supplement to meet my academic goals [6]

It's a very plain vanilla essay. If you want to give it more "bite" to make YOU stand out, it will need more specifics and energy. I tried to rearrange of your sentences to improve coherence and focus. Comments and corrections made in CAPS:

BY providing me with the opportunitY ies to take rigorous courses and do in-depth study RESEARCH (?), as well as have discussions of important issues relevant to my intended major, Psychology, Smith's open curriculum will equip me with the knowledge and skills that I will needED to apply to real world settings and IN my future endeavors (CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC - WHICH SKILL DO YOU THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT?) It will challenge my knowledge Smith's unique ideas, that generateD from diverse people from all over the world, will broaden my perspectives and help me grow as an individual.

linmark   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / IUPUI: Personal letter about goals and values- Feedback [3]

The essay is like a donut that is missing the filling. What happened in highschool to lead you to define your values and beliefs? Some corrections adn suggestions made below:

and memy abilities.

I wasn't until my first job when stop possessing that follower attitude that I'm glad I left behind.

when I left behind that follower attitude I had adopted.
You should express what happened in your first job that made you drop this attitude.

I stood up t o my friends and those who looked down on me,

Success for me would end in me being a verymeans becoming a respectful woman in society. I want to be able to who can help give my community so that everyone has a strong optimistic outlook on life.

allow me to reach onemy goal of mine and that isto impacting my community in a positive way.

The last paragraphs can be strengthened with specifics (as opposed to self laudatory statements) especially about how you will "take advantage of all the resources that IUPUI has to offer"
linmark   
Feb 9, 2010
Poetry / stair case to no where....5 senses [3]

i hear a loud crowed going wild, cant think,cant move on
all the staircase leads to no where

I get that you cover the 5 senses with what precedes the last two lines. But it leaves me lost:
-Did you mean a loud CROW (black bird)?
-Who can't think or move on? The crow?
-All the staircase does not make sense: "the staircase leads no where" would be more correct.
But then this also is inconclusive (leads no where...)
linmark   
Feb 3, 2010
Undergraduate / How to write statement of purpose?- University of Texas transfer essay A [3]

A statement of purpose is (as the prompt says) an opportunity to address the admission committee directly to let (them) know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. It's like you are allowed to present yourself (in essay form) on paper instead of face-to-face in an interview.

Your four points of why you want to transfer to UT are strong. What would help is to give background on why Audiology, why math and science, touch upon your passions and finally include some specific classes your want to take or profs that impress you, that you would want to learn from (this means do more research on UT.)

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