Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

isn't what PM means?

well, you should see a mail symbol next to my name, one of the privileges of signing up for a contributor lol :D

Undergraduate / Temple essay - who will I be in 10 years?; education administrator [2]


this passage doesn't hit the prompt, which was asking AFTER the graduation. Start with your next sentence, in which you actually begin to talk about your ambition and future!

the rest is great, just shorten your misleading first sentences (i understand that you're trying to start and capture the reader, but don't make it 10 lines, one sentence should be enough) and talk more about your actual psychology, ambition. HOW did drop rates and all these change? do you have any ideas?

the point of this prompt is to figure out whether you are ambitious (which you covered) and if you have ANY type of plan, or is it all fluff (that part you haven't).

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

why not? technical or personal?

and sure message me.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [12]


, but I wouldn't


the admin knows that already

your essay answers the prompt, but it doesn't really link to your numerous emphasis of how little the thing pays. if money is so important to you, then tell an instance where you realized that this experience is EVEN MORE! talk about how this experience CHANGED YOUR PSYCHOLOGY. or else, the money observations just make you sound like a greedy person.

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]


haha, that wasn't my point. it wasn't too late. revengers are bound to die, and hamlet actually succeeded in what he did. my point is that he questioned himself and finally, his bleak view of the world pushed him to act (as i said, i misunderstood bleak to be weak, when it's actually hopeless)

Undergraduate / Rice Supplemental: Choice of of academic study: Am I clear and concise? [4]


last sentence really killed all the good things you talked about. it's wayyyy to generic. You could end with your previous sentence and maybe add some specific programs before.


it's to convince the reader that you really want to go there, which mia7 does with the forum thing, but not enough facts.

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]

sorry, i misunderstood the meaning of bleak.

if you want to talk about his pessimistic view on the world, then talk about the trouble he was in: his father dead, his mother remarried 2 months later, now he's treated as crazy, killed an innocent, sent to england to die, survived b/c of pirates, killed his childhood friends (ros and guil) with the letter, and realized his love died, and confronted by Laertes, everybody, including his other, were against him. Briefly talk about these facts, then go on talking about his desperation.

which led to:

his statement that if one will eventually die, then why not accomplish something noble (scene 4 i believe, the sparrow argument i think)
so this ties in "to be or not to be"

end with his view on the relationship between his mother and his uncle --> the scene right before he kills Polonius, when he questions his mother why she would choose a man such as his uncle over the godlike figure of his father --> no hope between his mother and his uncle and of others. O DON'T FORGET THE GRAVEYARD SCENE. He saw yorrick's skull and lamented on the shortness of life, which also helped his decision to act.

you could play with the order a bit, hopefully that's enough info to play with.

Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]


how about: tomboy, "an energetic..."? makes your start more powerful.


awkward phrasing. this word reflects my personality?


; or :


it was personal, until this generic statement killed your momentum


Although I am embarrassed to say that there were instances in my life when I was ashamed of the peculiarity of my character, I started to see these differences as something special as I grew older.


too many subjects. combines your segments.

ok... don't go too far. no need to say skinny, ugly, shy. just shy's enough. but how is you being nerdy a tomboy?

the beginning looks decent and does carry momentum. but you probably don't want to set your negative difference as individuality, unless...
actually, you could talk about how something changed you internally. An event, or something, that transformed your view of yourself. No longer do you view nerdyness as a hindrance, but as something "part of you". you could also (if it's true) talk about how through this change, you gained confidence and integrated in the school life and made friends.

but the entire thing has to be a story and flows well. For me, I went through immigration and realized that being a nerd isn't bad and I shouldn't be ashamed of it (of course, my topic and my circumstances were very different), but you could use an event to tie your individuality.

Don't forget one thing, you have to talk about your psychology. The reader wants to know why you are different / special INTERNALLY, so talk A LOT about your feelings and change in your psychology.

good luck, hope that helps.

Book Reports / "to confront the bleaker side of human existance" - Hamlet Essay Help [12]


I'm not sure if you understand what's Hamlet's realization. It's not a balance, but "To be or not to be" which is "to act or not to act" and Hamlet finally chooses to act, and does all the things he does.

notice that even though it's a revenge story, nobody dies (except duncan) until act 4. WHY? because Hamlet was struggling whether to take action or to wait. He finally realizes his mission and his "road to glory" and decides to become active, which is why everybody dies in act 4 and 5.

his realization is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THEME. He overcame the bleaker side of himself (which was to submit himself to fate) and decided to take his revenge. So, I'd suggest you putting this in the intro and 1st paragraph. you need to make this your main point, not his loss of innocence (you sure? He was never truly innocent, he was smarter than everybody else and had the most devilish schemes) or his helplessness (or lethargy), which could be combined with melancholy.

hope that helps.

Undergraduate / Racism, UT essay B - issue of importance [5]


it's very generic and pretty much useless


but a lot of people? don't you want to establish a contrast?


your next sentence should answer this question

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

alright, you answer the part "choose an issue", but that's IT. THE ESSAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU CHOOSING THAT ISSUE ONLY, IT'S NOT ASKING YOU TO DESCRIBE A CONCERN, BUT TO write an essay in which you explain the significance .

the admin won't give a f about facts racism. the admin already knows what's racism, no need to remind. your essay would fit great if the prompt were: describe an issue, but that's not the freaking prompt!

this question doesn't want to know how much you know about an issue, but how YOU are changed. Point to me 1 sentence in which you described the impact of racism to you? were you discriminated against?

"People must understand that racism still exists to this day" so what? why should UT accept you?
COLLEGE ESSAYS NEED I's. If you don't have an "I" every other sentence at least, you are not doing what you are supposed to, which is to convince the college that you are an insightful person aware of a problem and changed by it. If you talk from the perspective of another person, then how will the admin learn about YOU?

My suggestion: either you have been discriminated against, talk about it, or change the subject to something much more person. It doesn't matter how much you care about it, if you can't say how you were changed or at least what you did to correct the problem, it will be a documentary and the reader will throw away your essay in 5 seconds (literally, the admin has about 5000 essays to read during a day, so s/he doesn't have time to read your impersonal view on slavery)

ANSWER THE PROMPT!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / My Common App Additional Information Portion. making a difference by sailing [7]


you don't want to talk about the experience too much. the admins are trying to find out about you. so no need for unnecesary details of what you have done.

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]


there's no main


verb in this sentence
absolutely no relevance to the rest of your intro. so what if you are applying from turkey?


ok, if that's your thesis (it should be), then your essay is completely off topic. ANSWER THE PROMPT.
plus, political views? this is totally random. so you're saying people make friends in a new country cuz of politics? to belong? not true, at least without support


impressive... but the fact that you used exact numbers make you sound pretentious. THEY HAVE YOUR RESUME


haha emphasis of language... too blatant. and still to this point, I don't see how you answered any part of the question. are you telling me that you want your roomate to know that you are a genius? lol weird way of making friends...


haha THAT'S WHAT THE QUESTION IS ASKING FOR, ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU CAN'T ANSWER THE PROMPT?


this is the first and only part where you attempt to answer the question... that's not good

alright, i'm gonna be blatant with you. if this is an essay you can blow cuz it's not important or cuz you are absolutely sure that you'll get in stanford, then ignore what i'll tell you. otherwise, you really need to redo it.

What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

1. actually answer the prompt. it's a 2 part question: tell your roommate/stanford about you that they'll be interested. not how smart you are. everybody who goes to stanford are smart.

2. tell something about you that will hep your roommate. yes this is in the prompt, but please do it. it's very important that they do not only see how social you say you are, but actually know what kind of person you are and how you will deal with your mates.

anyway, don't konw what to tell you. i'd rewrite it if i were you. i mean it's worth the trouble if it's stanford.

Undergraduate / BU essay - Artistic, receptive, and inspired [5]


my artistic personality will be used to its fullest through the Boston Theater program (put the actual name of the program or major).
avoid generic statements.


how? as far as i'm concerned, every colleges have theater programs


it's too... cheeky. it sounds too much like you trying to get in college. enthusiasm for learning... it's not bad, but makes you sound a bit pretentious. It's obvious that everyone can say that they are enthusiastic for learning, but only a few actually do. So i'd suggest be more specific. What kind of learning? about the world? in school? languages? cultures? math? what?


this entire paragraph tells nothing about you or BU. honestly, I can duplicate your paragraph and put it in any of my essay. kills the momentum you built so far by mentioning theater, which is actually not an interest that everybody have.


you spent 3 sentences to say: One day, I watched TV, and was inspired to be a juggler (this sentnce is not to be used, but you get the idea. be BRIEF!)

ok. typical "i write an essay that shows my strength (vaguely) to make my go in BU, but I didn't actually do any research and don't know anything about BU" type essay.

not to be mean, but you showed 0 reason why BU is the right school for you. If all you know about the school is shown in your essay. I suggest you finding a school you are actually passionate about.

TALK SPECIFICALLY. both in your description of yourself and of the college. what makes you receptive, artistic (that paragraph actually gets the point), and inspiration (really? do you even know what that means?)

you need to be more personal and actually do some thinking and research to answer the prompt.

Undergraduate / My Common App Additional Information Portion. making a difference by sailing [7]


it was June 22...


maybe more personal? making new friends?


my friends and I; my peers and I...


never use passive unless you really intend it. This case, active tense may be much stronger


when? where? what happened? you didn't actually discuss any task


really? how?


so very generic. It has to be more personal than simply you learning boat skills and having fun right? I mean you did say in the intro


what difference is that?

Overall, unconnected last sentence. It was supposed to wrap up everything you talked about, but you made it into a mundane experience in which you had fun.

This experience is a very special thing not many had done, but you talking about SAT's and sharing with your peers and learning new skills and things are... very typical. I can pretty much duplicate your second paragraph (most important one) and apply to an essay of working in the library or going out fishing. It doesn't tell anything about you, except that you are an outgoing asian who can learn... so can the 5000 other ones that apply to the same school

Therefore, I suggest that you pick out a specific even in which you made a difference or that CHANGED your THINKING. Don't talk about what you did, not interesting. talk about what you THOUGHT and what kind of person you really are.

is that honestly harsh enough?

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


Yes, actually, our annotated bibs are supposed to be:
summary
what you agree/disagree
how does this source support your thesis (the reader HAS to know exactly how you are going to use this source)


Basically, I use part of some of the sources (not like taking a couple of words and twist the critic's meaning, but actually conforms to that critic's point) and use them in my essay.

I think that in using the sources, the writer basically has to know exactly what he/she's going to talk about and use the sources in accordance, so it doesn't really matter which comes first, the research paper or the bibs. I realize just now that it would be easier to do the bibs so that you don't have to reread the sources when it comes to writing the paper. I guess that last time, I was really pressed on time and simply started the research, then went back and paraphrased the research to do the bibs (awkward... it was supposed to be the opposite)

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


with space, you'll notice that when you type in a space, the count goes down by 1 (or not depending on the program used)


With amazing academics, a central location, and a diverse student body, Harvard/Cornell/NY/... University is a perfect fit for me. see where i'm getting at?


their? what's its antecedent?


just say is? or say: my grandmother, a very ... person, taught me (or something to that effect. Making things active strengthens your essay)

your essay is decent and well written, and just like my diversity first draft...not nearly powerful enough

i see that columbia seems to be your first choice and your ivy, and you must really want to go there. to have a fair chance, u unfortunately need a much stronger essay

what's missing? personal thoughts. It's good that you have a family like that , and that you lived in 3 countries (me 2), but THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SPECIAL. I can copy paste your essay, change my dad's job, and submit it... so it's not unique enough

what makes you unique? IT'S HOW YOUR FAMILY IMPACTED YOU. HOW YOU ACT TO YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. Tell your STORY. See how each paragraph covers a different part of your life? WELL FOCUS!!!!!!! I can go all day and write 5 pages on the different parts of my life with 2-3 sentences in them, THAT'S NOT HARD. What is hard is to bring all these into 1 story and really reflect on WHO YOU ARE.


who doesn't? it would be much more powerful if somebody wrote about the opposite, just saying.


surprise...MINE TOO


wow, we must be really alike!


THAT'S THE ONLY different thing about you...and not so different. I can't boast 3 different continents, but does that make you more special than me? great, you've been to these places. HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING TO EARN IT? if not, then how does that make you special? you were lucky, sure, but so? colleges don't want lucky people, they want people with unique thinking style.


man, you don't know how i can talk about the same thing...

don't feel bad, my diversity essay was dissected and destroyed also. that doesn't change the fact that i rewrote it and created a much stronger and personal essay. It's better to talk about a special thing only YOU have even if you are not proud of it, than go about how great your life (you sure it's your life? not mine?) is.

Research Papers / Starting an Original Research Paper on Teen Pregnancy [8]


themselves?

ok, in a research paper, you end your intro with a VERY STRICT THESIS. you say EXACTLY what you want to talk about in your paper. Preferably, you state your points in order.

thesis: teen pregnancy is *para 1-x?* (bad, how bad?) and can be prevented by *para x+1* *para x+2* *para x+3*...

o, and don't forget to talk about child poverty and the influence of teen pregnancy on that

your main point is: how reducing teen pregnancy will reduce child poverty. You need to talk about this in the intro. Don't purely focus on teen pregnancy.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]

well, what's EXACTLY is your assignment?

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


i recently (like last week) finished a research on THE METAMORPHOSIS. we had to do those annotated bibs, which states how we are going to use the articles and stuff. but it was weird cuz i pretty much did my research first, like find out what i'll talk about, and then did the annotated bibs. it's a really awkward way, but my logic is that i didn't want to put stuff not relevant in those annotated bibs, so if i don't know what i'll talk about, then i might include random stuff, then delete it...i definitely agree with you though. research should be done that way. in the future, i might be converted, who knows?


thanks for the encouragement!

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]


yea, I definitely had that thought, it really sounds like Catcher in the Rye, and the way it's structured makes the speech very real (that's how we think, like Kevin said, in a stream of consciousness). Of course, if you actually have to cover a specific point, then take Kevin's suggestion!

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


yup, you are totally right. that's exactly how some people write.
in my case, though, I HAVE to know exactly how to write my essays before starting it... or else I won't know what to focus on... I guess it depends on your thinking and preference.


haha, got you. i had thought something was not right, a sharp editor like you shouldn't make such a beginner mistake.


haha, thanks, but you overstate my contribution. Simply trying to improve my own writing by seeing others' ideas, and why not give some help on the way? Compared to experienced editor/writers like you, I really can't do much. <= this is not in any sarcastic, I'm completely sincere

But definitely, I hope to interact with you in future posts! Actually, I plan to post an essay tomorrow for review, I'd LOVE to get your opinion.

Thanks in advance!

Undergraduate / My aunt - the person who influenced you the most [3]


who has the most significance on me. and you should start with this directly. it's assumed that there are many people who have influenced your life


another adjective maybe? is it physically buff or psychologically tough? Strong is a generic word that might make you sound pretentious.

overall, you focus a bit too much on what your aunt did, and not enough about how that made a difference in your own life or personality. It also lacks focus. Do you want to go about education? or strength of character? or struggling with a job? if you really have to talk about all three (I wouldn't recommend... pick the one or 2 you really want to talk about and go in depth) then make sure that you say that in your intro: my aunt taught me this, this, and this. or she is this, this and this and here's how she influenced me.

It's easy to get distracted on pointless details, so try to narrow your thoughts a bit. most importantly, talk about you. the admin doesn't care about who your aunt is, but how she played a role in your life.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]

So this is a made up story right? for a second I actually though ure like 30 lol

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [10]


naa, I've only applied to a couple of really hard to get in schools. The others are hard, but range about 15-25% acceptance rate, so not nearly as bad as 9% lol

1/32? lucky. I'm like pure asian male, and that's like the worse thing to be in college admissions.

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]


I thought that in a research paper especially, you have to state your thesis before doing anything else.
Or else the intro serves absolutely nothing. Correct me if I'm wrong.


But if you put your thesis in the conclusion, the reader has to FIND OUT what you are talking about throughout, which will not only distract, but also confuse the reader if he/she misinterpreted your ideas.

To guarantee clarity, wouldn't it be best to put thesis first?


Well, it would be good if you were in environmental science, that's all the class talks about right?

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


On this MIT app, there was the question: "describe an activity you do for pleasure" and I used a charity also!


aa, that's why the paragraph reads so much like a conclusion!


I think that you could put that at the end so that you echo your intro, but you have to be aware that your initial point and your current point are completely different, so you need to tie piano back to the fact that you absorb a lot of culture.

As it is, it feels like you have 2 thesis within one essay. You need to merge them in the conclusion at least.

Undergraduate / Engineering, an Artist - Critique my UVA Supplement essays? [7]

yea, find some unique stuff about them. Even if it's not unique, they'll be happy if they see that you actually went thru their website


you're welcome, from my personal experience, I realized that shock, or bluntness, does make your point clearer and will influence your target into action. It all started when I got my own essay destroyed by my english teacher, who weirdly graduated from harvard... yea what a waste, i hope that when his kid grow older he'll go back doing some real stuff.

but good luck on your apps. you are a very strong writer and I'm sure you will do great wherever you go.

Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [10]


haha same here, I'll prob get rejected by both MIT and Harvard, but... who knows?


Don't wanna give you useless worries, but think of it this way: 90% of people WILL have OUTSTANDING scores and grades. By outstanding, I mean at least 2200 in SAT (most likely >2300) and only A's and all AP classes... therefore, the only thing that can distinguish you from another top student is through the essays, and harvard only asks for 2.

Personally, I've got the minimum requirement, being grades and SAT's and AP's and all this crap, but honestly, harvard, MIT, stanford, Princeton, yale... all these top schools only look a bit at these, since they could pretty much fill their classes with National Merit, but that would have no point.

unless you have native american blood, don't put ur chances too high, or u will get disappointed.

now, it's a different question if you've got some international awards...or some sort of olympiads. those help hen?

Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me [5]

Of course, you gotta exaggerate in the intro. That's what it's for right? to attract the reader's attention with hyperbolic statement.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]


lol... that's not the right word, it's coming.


why this comment in the middle of describing your chores? maybe you need spontaneity in monologues?

honestly, I don't really understand monologues, but apart from some spelling mistakes (i know spelling doesn't matter in monologues), there's no major grammar mistakes or such.

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


he's right on that one... this doesn't really reflect on your main point which should be:


right?

Anyway, the essay's main idea is pretty well stated, you won't have too much trouble because you didn't link that well your anecdote since the reader gets who you are.

I'm applying to UPenn too! So why did you have to rush? cuz I didn't apply yet... i'm a big procrastinator.

Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me [5]


past?


wow, how old were you?

I fell head first from the bed, wouldn't this be more to the point?

nice intro, i wonder how you are going to continue, with more examples of your bro's magnanimity?

to appease your fears, the intro does its job, very captivating. with this you can begin the creation of a masterpiece. no pressure.

Undergraduate / THIS IS WHO I AM - Commom App Writing Prompt... [4]


haha, why did you write this one then? out of pure boredom?

Undergraduate / Engineering, an Artist - Critique my UVA Supplement essays? [7]

hope you read this before submitting


really, this sentence is just fluff. nicely written, but not your point.
if you take this out, the story flows with the same intensity as before (perhaps even more focused)


NO! biomedical engineering DEFINITELY DOESN'T MEAN both engineering and medicine. Sorry to be so blatantly sarcastic, but why not do some research and ACTUALLY FIND SPECIFIC PROGRAMS THAT HIT THE SPOT?

Apart from this, very nice ending. The paragraph you dedicate to the school is enough to show your understanding of the program as long as you add some less generic statements.

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


maybe: learn how my


a "Russian soul?"

verb tense incoherent. Try putting everything in past tense except what you are thinking in the present, or still believe in.


soar inside


I get that you are trying to emphasize your strength of communication and interaction with others, and through this, acquire more viewpoints, but it's an awkward comparison and can be possibly confusing at first glance (that's all they will do to decide if your story is interesting enough or not)

you want to be to the point, and brief. so my suggestion is that you directly say what you want to say, which is that you will interact with others and gain more viewpoints.

Overall, no big issues, since you chose topic of your choice, you definitely have more freedom.
although encumbered with a few grammar and verb tense issues (you should definitely get this edited by a teacher before you submit) it has a distinct focus and expresses your background diversity as well as internal diversity.

job well done

I just hope that you didn't talk about piano as your short answer, cuz that'll just be redundant, and well, boring.

Undergraduate / Engineering, an Artist - Critique my UVA Supplement essays? [7]

I get you are trying to emphasize eureka, but try using another word for it, especially in your new paragraph.


I know that studying physics at MIT would streamline my future paths of discovery.
see my point? you really don't provide anything special about U VA, I mean, this program HAS to have something that ESPECIALLY interest you right?

Prompt 2: magnificent. It's not only clever, but also very well written and UNIQUE. that's what all colleges want to see, why choose YOU over 1000 other applicants.

Overall, you have enviable writing style, but your first prompt doesn't quite hit the


who truly show interest in that particular institution.

Writing Feedback / An essay about build a new factory near our community [3]

man... it's so awesome that you teach the admin how ecology work, and how global worming work, and how it sux for the people... but WHERE IS THE YOU IN ALL THIS!!! THE ADMIN DOESN'T GIVE A F ABOUT ALL THE STUFF, HE/SHE CAN JUST TURN ON THE TV OR READ THE NEWS FOR THIS!!! If I were the admin, I'd think of your essay as a great local newspaper stuff, BUT NOT APPLICATION ESSAY!!!

This topic is actually tricky. It wants to know how aware you are about the problems of this world, yet YOU HAVE TO SAY HOW THIS IMPACT YOU!!! It's you who are applying, not the trees who die or the people who work hard for little money.

The prompt (btw, try posting the prompt next time) asks for a concern that impact YOU!!! why should the admin care about the world, when he/she is reading your essay?

Again, I have to say that none of the things you talked about tell anything about you in particular. I'm sure that in AP Environmental science, they talk about this stuff 24/7, and the admin really doesn't give a s*** about it.

aight, how to make it better then?

1. talk about how it influences YOUR LIFE
2. do you have a family member who suffer from any lung disease? If so, then talk about how this worsens their state, and through that expand to nature or whatever. If not, then make up a story where you saw your mom or somebody begin to regularly cough cuz of that.

Sorry to say that you have to make up stuff, but this is really not a good topic, it's 2 narrow. If you really want to talk about pollution, then DO SO. but don't try mixing economics with that.

Essays / Argumentative essay about global warming (two conflicting views) [11]

state theses for both views in your intro (2 sentences), then say while the belief that -pro view- seemingly contrasts with -con view-, these actually have much in common in that -your own view-.

then organize your essay as in depth discussion of pro view, con view, and your own view.

It's a great idea as long as you have PLENTY of support.

Undergraduate / THIS IS WHO I AM - Commom App Writing Prompt... [4]

As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. - nice writing, but unnecessary detail that distracts the reader


be careful, are you trying to say that you would miss school work for snowboarding?
also, hell is a very unnecessary and possibly offending word in this case. try to be formal


again, try to be more formal, don't directly address to the reader


didn't you just say that you daydreamed in the day and caught up your homework at night? how does that link to "slow, geeky, and dull". watch out for your use of word here. geeky implies that you are smart, yet dull has the exact opposite meaning, as well as slow.

these adjectives are unsupported by examples


look, you need to get rid of the thought that you are writing to a peer. this kind of language is "demanding" and could potentially offend the reader, now you really don't want that


wow, you've come a long way from equilibrium. Now it's patience?


If I'm not wrong, your topic should be the first one,
" Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." right?
Unless it's the topic of your choice...
but if I happen to be right, your essay is a bit off topic. While it's an experience all right, it's not significant in that YOU DO THIS EVERY YEAR!!! It's more like the Short answer that asks for an activity you do for fun.

To make it significant, you could talk about your FIRST snowing experience, and how that not only changed your own perception of yourself, but also others' perception of you, which you kinda mentioned in a vague way. FOCUS on the CHANGE that takes place in you BECAUSE OF SNOWBOARDING. It's essential that you actually talk about what you think, and not simply how you snowboard, or how you break bones and stuff.

Get an editor, and please try to be formal... remember they are middle aged geniuses... depending on where you apply.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


LOL finally somebody who's not afraid to admit that! I actually wrote my diversity essay kinda based on this haha


Thanks man, but your essay really isn't crappy at all. It has a distinct flavor that I'm sure Cornell will appreciate. I'm doing mine on Econ tho, cuz CEO's r the most moneymaking bastards ever lol