Undergraduate / "Do what makes you happy" - this is best piece of advice I have ever received [4]


Sometimes I have to wait for a long time before some great sentence comes to mind. The sentences music, it has rhythm like poetry, it is an experience for the reader. So, I think great writing comes from great ideas expressed in language artfully applied.

Your first paragraph is a little bit intriguing, because it gets be a wonder what the question is. But then it is disappointing when I see that the question is something simplistic, and I notice what the admission office reader will notice: your first paragraph is actually your effort to get your own mind to spit out some ideas. It's important to kill that paragraph and replace it with one that really expresses the great idea that you dug up out of your mind.

I think you are onto a great theme when you talk about the importance of not caring what people think of you. You can balance that with another paragraph that is about times when it actually is important to care about what other people think of you. For example, if you want opportunities to do what you like to do, or if you want opportunities to make a contribution to this world that you think is important, then you'll need to be able to choose the impression you make on people. So I think this can be a great paper if you 1.) Focus more on what you want to do and how you can achieve it as a student at your chosen school, and 2.) Consider possibly talking about the importance of both caring and not caring what people think of you.

Writing Feedback / 'I am always exhilarated when doing my social work job' - the reason for leaving [5]


Well.. And not just with writing essays, but with everything we do, if we want to be effective we have to ask ourselves: what is the goal am trying to achieve with what I'm doing right now?

If the goal is to cause the reader to look favorably on you, then it is necessary to write in a way that causes people to have a good feeling and be inspired by what they're reading.

I think the best way to make a reader respond favorably is to communicate some information that will help the reader to know how serious you are about fulfilling your intentions. I think you left that position partly because of the need to take the next step toward accomplishing what is most important to you? It's sort of a cliche to talk about dreaming of world peace, but you do have strong values and a strong intention to achieve specific things. So it's great if you can add a sentence that tells more about what you are trying to do right now. : )

Writing Feedback / 'I am always exhilarated when doing my social work job' - the reason for leaving [5]

The word very is almost never a good word to use in a sentence. Add verbs in general are weak words. Modifiers are like a person who tries too hard to justify what he is saying because he does not really believe what he is saying. In writing, we say "show, don't tell!" But when we use add verbs we are always necessarily telling instead of showing.

The way to have strong writing is to avoid using more words than necessary, so let's get rid of the word Berrien that sentence. Readers like to figure things out on their own; they don't like to be told "very".

I am very exhilarating always exhilarated when doing my social work job, helping people in the field work directly. Unfortunately, I just have limited time in my job contract, and from the beginning ministry already state stayed on an extension contract.

Such regulation due to the mission from the government for giving experience from fresh graduated. I changed the other sentence, but I don't know how to change this sentence to make it accurate. I think this sentence is supposed to say: these regulations are in place because of the way the government chooses to arrange experience for new graduates.

Writing Feedback / MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL [2]


I think you may have intended to use the word how in this sentence. Or, as some other word missing from this sentence?

Nevertheless, it must be said that -- This is a run-on sentence. You can separate it into 2 sentences. ...not a bad thing. Whether or not it is bad basically depends on how people use it and, above all, establishing the difference between necessity and avarice.

And now I changed it a bit, but it is still slightly unclear. The end of the sentence sounds nice, but can be confusing. You can 'sharpen' the message of the essay by adding one more sentence to the end of the paragraph. Is money really the root of evil? Those power really corrupted? These two bits of common wisdom are interrelated.

Try to add a great, insightful, unforgettable sentences to the end of the first paragraph.

In conclusion, we all need money for everything; nonetheless, ---- This is good! You used the semicolon effectively here, and you can use it the same way in that example above that I said was a run on sentence.

Scholarship / 'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter [14]

As I start to read, my mind is drawn to a few phrases that help me to form a mental idea about what I am reading. Here are some of the first ones I see:

contents of the devices and equipment
assemble different models of building games

I wonder if you can replace these nonspecific terms with terms that are more interesting, and perhaps cause an image to arise in the mind of the reader. For example, you can use more colorful words associated with actual examples of specific devices.. phones? Computers? Show the reader a picture in her/his mind.

During my study in the mechanical sector, I started to understand ...--- Again, I think mechanical sector is not specific enough. Your writing, even though it uses more words than necessary in some places, is very good and shows intelligence and thoughtfulness. Your style of writing seems to suggest that you are a person who pays attention to detail. So, the writing is good, but I noticed several places where you can give specific examples instead of referring to a general term, like mechanical sector.

Undergraduate / CourtTV / Aspiring Physician / Biology - Upenn supplement [2]


I think it might not be helpful to suppose that the television shows they watched with you expanded your vocabulary, etc., and it's not good to say a television show is the basis for your aspiration.

ability to draw upon multiple fields: history and law in SOC200, social science in SOCI380, and so on. --- I don't think combining many fields is what makes it worthwhile.

I like the way you focused on what is unique about this college and how it is especially good for helping you achieve your goals. That puts pressure on the reader to give you an opportunity. But it just is not convincing yet! Have you read any professional journal articles written by professors at this school? If you are inspired by an article written by a graduate or professor at the school, that would be more believable and meaningful as a reason this school might be better for you.

I hope to add to this organization by displaying and acting on my passion for Type 2 diabetes awareness. -- This is a strong ending for this part. This is all very impressive, all the writing her. I try to give a critique, but it really is a good demonstration of intelligence and clarity.

Despite this seemingly monotonous process, I am humbled by the potential --- This is not exactly right. To express what you intend to express, it can be like this:

Despite how monotonous this process seems...

All of this is great. I like the lighthearted thoughtfulness of the last part, which includes meditation practice. But what do all those have to do with your intentions for making a big splash in this world? That is the theme that ties it all together?

: )

Writing Feedback / Self Introduction For UN Young Professional Programme [5]

I think your first paragraph can be condensed into a single sentence that tells the most important ideas:
I am a 24 year-old recent graduate of Diponegoro University in Indonesia.

But you should not just replaced the first paragraph with that sentence; you should also go back to the top and add a sentence to the beginning of the essay. The first sentence of the essay should surprised the reader in some way or cause the reader to become curious about the topic you will discuss in the essay. What is the most important message you want to transmit to the reader? I think it is a message about what makes you an excellent candidate for the position. What is one great thing you want the reader to remember while considering you can the position? What makes you uniquely interesting to the reader, and what makes you a perfect person for this position? Get inspired, and you will think of the magic words that convey this important message at the start of the essay.

It is important to also remember this main idea when you finish the essay. You give a lot of information in this essay, but I think the essay is supposed to have one important theme that makes it interesting and memorable. When you find that theme, that important, interesting message to the reader, then you can add a sentence or two about it to the first and last paragraphs.

Empowering people in my current job drives me to do toward a career involving human rights.

This material still needs some grammar editing.

Essays / "Life Of Galileo"; Conflict is an Essential Ingredient for Social Progress [2]


This raises a lot of thoughts in my mind, but I might not be thinking of the same topics that are covered in your class. You should respond to the prompt in a way that includes ideas discussed in the class readings. But when I look at this, it makes me think of the problems of communism. Kyle Marx wanted to create a system where there wouldn't be conflicts like there is capitalism. He looked at the history of capitalism and saw how there was always conflict between the working class and the wealthy class, and he saw that the society would always be inherently unstable because of the conflict. So, it was that kind of thinking that gave rise to communism. But communism has its own problems, and they can sometimes be similar to the problems in any bureaucracy.

Progress comes from discontent, and people don't make much progress when they are already content. When we are content we become complacent, so that's why conflict is essential for progress. This is just a general idea, and I'm not trying to give EDN should your homework question; you still have to find examples from readings and explore this idea as much as you can, but I think it might be interesting to you to consider the stuff I said about communism and capitalism.

Search for this in Google to get the notes: life of galileo, sparknotes
When you have read the notes about it, will be easy to appreciate it when you read it through from start to finish and really enjoy it. Good luck with this great project!

Undergraduate / MIT: "frightening competence" - my ability to plan and to control my life - personal attributes [6]

I was thinking about the essay near week, and, on graduation, looking on my classmates who talked about their future, I abruptly understood what I can write about. It is, how m -- I think you should not include the comment about how long you were thinking about what to write. That part is not an important part of transmitting the message of the essay. When writing an essay, there is one important truth worth sharing - some great idea that is worthy of a long explanation in the formal essay. Therefore, it's great if you make every sentence count and make every sentence a part of your effort to share this great idea with the reader. What is the great idea?

My friend said about me, "He has frightening competence." ----- Make the first sentence of your essay like this, and it will be very intriguing. I think this is how the essay should begin.

Of course, "Time and chance happeneth to them all"--- When you use quotation marks like this in the middle of a sentence, capitalized first letter of the part inside the quotation marks.

This will be great if you identify the important, interesting idea you are sharing with the reader and add a sentence at the end of the essay to help emphasize that idea. : )

Undergraduate / "Limitless" - experiences or accomplishments that have helped to define me as a person [2]

I think you could get rid of the word all the beginning of the essay. The sentence will be better without that word.

thought, would tell me exactly who I am. --- change to: thought, would tell me exactly who I was. (That makes a nicer writing style, although in this case it might actually be better to keep it in the present tense because it is about you are, not just to you were. But still it is stylistically better to change it so the verb tenses consistent.)

I think your first paragraph needs one more sentence. You can improve this by adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph; it should be a sentence that captures the most important message of the essay, or it can give a hint about what the answer to the prompt question will be - stir up some curiosity in the mind of the reader.

It's great if you can do more with the end of that first paragraph, because that is the most important spot in the paper.

You write very well, and this is already impressive. I bet you will achieve all your goals!

Undergraduate / "Golden Spiral" - challenge a belief or idea [2]


This first sentence is a statement of the obvious. I bet you can do a little better! It is not good to start the paper with a statement of the obvious, because the reader might lose interest right away and stop paying attention. When that happens, it's difficult for the essay to suddenly catch her or his attention again and make a strong impression.


This does not say anything of real substance. The reader is likely to already know about the Fibonacci sequence and the spirals, etc. I think you should distill this paragraph into one powerful sentence that is packed with meaningful ideas, and then use the rest of the paragraph to tell about the idea you challenged.


And what are you now, a superhero? This sentence could be better if you omit the implication that normal students have no particular passion.

I am trying to criticize, but I have to admit you really have a great writing style...


You have a few errors here, like wrong use of 'which' and ending the sentence with the preposition 'for'...

I think the whole essay should begin here, with the first interesting part:
A friend recommended me to buy a series of books called The Art of Problem Solving and join FLSAM (Florida Students' Association of Mathematics). Once the books arrived, I began...

This part tells a story, recommends a book series.. it is genuinely interesting! The parts above it cannot be interesting to anyone because they don't say anything specific that the reader does not already know. I think that bold sentence above should become the first sentence of the essay.

Try restarting there, and use the extra space to dig deeper and explain a few short term goals related to the idea in the essay.

Capitalize Internet.

Yeah, I really think you should start with that bold sentence and let MORE of the essay answer the prompt question. And btw, some people who are spiritual would argue that the golden section is evidence of intelligent design! Or at least intelligent transformation as we go along.

Graduate / 'I wanted to be just like my mom' - PA School Narrative [2]


I changed my mind several times before deciding whether or not I think this is an interesting sentence to have the front of your essay. Finally, I decided that I think it is not a great sentence to start out the essay. In fact this sentence even takes some of the power out of the last sentence of the first paragraph - because it makes that excellent last sentence of something repetitive.

If you delete the first sentence of the essay, the last sentence of the first paragraph will no longer be repeating an idea that the reader has already seen. I'd like the essay more if it started like this: My mom was a nurse who...

However I think you can still do even better than that. When you read the essay again you can think about the most meaningful, intriguing message carried by this essay and write a clever sentence about that message. Tack that intriguing, surprising, sentence on to the top of the first paragraph and use it to capture the mind of the reader.

Your writing style is really nice...

Watch out for the typo here -- By gathering information on basic daily living I wasAble to make

Writing Feedback / toefl: multiple short breaks are good for children to do well in their school life [3]


This is a good example of the reason why it is difficult for English language learners to know when to use "the".

In the first sentence there is no need to add the word "the", but in the second sentence we need the word "the": The education which we receive..

Yet, there are many sentences in which the word "education" is preceded by the word "the". For example:
Education should be the most important concern for people holding leadership positions in any society.--- In this sentence, we refer to education in general. We refer to ALL education in the society.

The education which we receive... -- In this sentence, we refer to one education of one person. So, we need the word 'the'..

Another examples is here:
The second reason is that children will feel bored when they get long break.
You need 'a' before the word 'long'. ... when they get a long break.

You can also do it this way:
The second reason is that children will feel bored when they get long breaks. ----- This way is even better. There is no need to use the word 'a' if you pluralize the noun 'breaks'.

The part of speech called 'articles (the, a, an) is strange. It is hard to explain! But you get a sense of it if you read a lot. When you are reading, read aloud sometimes to learn the good habits for verb conjugation, the use of 'the', and other stuff.

: )

Graduate / "Since childhood, I am attracted to electronic gadgets" Grad admission SOP(international student) [3]

Hello, first I will show you a problem with verb tense:
Since childhood, I am have been attracted...

Again, here is a problem with the verb tense, and it is the same verb tense as the previous sentence:
I was have been curious to know about how the gadgets work and how they are made.


I like this sentence a lot... it is unique; I don't think I have ever seen this sentence in an essay. It's great...

But one thing that is not as unique is the first paragraph. The first paragraph is a lot like the first paragraph of many other admission essays. Many people write about how they have always been interested in such and such - and they say, "from an early age I have always been interested..." And I think this is too common. I don't think it is useful to tell the reader that you have been interested since an early age, but you can show the reader an example and let the reader figure it out. I think you should get rid of the first two sentences and start with the interesting sentence:

Since childhood, I am attracted to electronic gadgets. I was been curious to know how the gadgets work and how they are made.
I think this interesting sentence should be the first sentence:
My father manufactures electrical transformers. So, I am very thankful to my dad, as I have the place he gave me the opportunity to learn in the workshop of our family business. During school vacation, I am used to spend my..

: )

Book Reports / Explain three of the most valuable lessons learned by King Lear [2]

Hello there, it's best if you contribute some ideas in a thread like this before you ask the other people to contribute ideas. You could just go to sparknotes and read for about five minutes, and you'll start fining part of the answer. Is it easier to post the question here and read what other people say, or is it easier to just go straight to spark notes and see the real answer written in a clear, concise way that is need to understand?

Maybe you can write one paragraph about one lesson that he learned. If you post one paragraph here, then maybe someone will give you another idea about a different less.

When you write, make sure you have good structure. The easy way to do that is to write one sentence that expresses an important idea about a lesson he learned, and then use three or four more sentences to explain all about it and give an example. That way you will have a clear paragraph that starts with a great paragraph topic sentence.

: )

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task1 - percentages of population and wealth in world [4]


This sentence is not written well, but it does demonstrate great understanding of the expression "needless to say" and also great understanding of the adjective "foremost".

The sentence is too long, and it uses too many words to express a simple idea. To write well, express ideas in fewer words.If something is "needless to say", then it probably is not useful to include it in your paper. After all, it is needless lol. : ) So you can type:

China's population comprises a quarter of the global population. Needless to say, [type something interesting here...]


This is great. It will be clearer if you put a, after the word "countries".

The point you are making is an interesting one, and it will keep the reader's attention. I just think you can make the first sentence much better. The first sentence should make the reader feel a sense of curiosity. It's great if you can type the first sentence with words that surprised the reader in some way. The first sentence of the first paragraph is like your left hand reaching out and putting your opponents guard in check, and the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph is like a big right cross that catches him square in the nose and knocks him out of the ring. That probably is not a good explanation,lol. Here is a better one:

read that first paragraph again and ask yourself what is the reason it is important, and what is the reason it might be important to the person reading the essay or to any person. Type a sentence about that; make it an interesting sentence, and add it to the beginning of this first paragraph.

: )

Undergraduate / "Eco-Challenge" - Adventure Racing essay [2]


Sometimes, the people who read these essays are sticklers for grammar. Every grammarian will tell you not to end a sentence in a preposition. The correct way to write this first sentence would be:

... sport in which I needed to participate.

Adventure racing presents athletes with the ultimate test of physical and mental fortitude.--- this sentence is so much better than the first sentence of the essay. It causes a question to be raised in the reader's mind. Is it really the ultimate test? In many cases, it seems that an essay can be improved by getting rid of the first sentence, or even the first few sentences, and letting it began with the first interesting sentence. In this case, I think the whole essay would be better if you got rid of the first sentence and started with this one.

As I continued to read, I find myself looking for the meaning behind the story. When you say, at the end, that you learn from every mistake - that is a bit of a cliché. What is the real meaning behind this essay? What does the theme of this essay have to do with your educational goals that you'll try to achieve in college? It ends sort of abrupt leave with another detail about winning again in the future - so, I think you need to add some structure by digging deep and coming up with one sentence to add to the end of the first paragraph. Established the message of the whole essay by adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a poignant sentence that the reader will never forget.

: )

Writing Feedback / How did you get over your fear to speak in English? - Learning From Mistakes [2]

As a non-native speaker it was really hard to say even few sentences out loud, when I didn't really have had not really had the chance to practice it.

Oh! I see the reason you sometimes were nervous about speaking English. It is because you are a perfectionist! You write with excellent English, and you have a beautiful writing style.

The small errors don't really matter as much as people might think. Your ability to speak English with standard grammar is not a measure of your intelligence. The fact that you speak more than one language is very impressive, and in a globalizing world is more valuable to being multilingual than to no perfect English.

This, below, is a run-on sentence:
... studied abroad, or their parents could afford a private teacher, I didn't have this luxury.
A semicolon works just like a period. Try this:
... studied abroad, or their parents could afford a private teacher; I didn't have this luxury.

I had to study hard, and always felt I am was in the shadows of the good speakers.

Here is another run on sentence:
I think everybody needs a person like her, I improved so much because of her.
You can separated into two sentences, or you can just use a semicolon:
I think everybody needs a person like her; I improved so much because of her.

Undergraduate / To tweet or not to tweet?" This is one tough question to answer [2]

This is an interesting piece of writing. The title is a reference to Shakespeare. To be, or not to be - that is the question!

In your essay, you are talking about the question of whether or not to tweet in a way that makes the reader compare it with Hamlet's question about whether or not he should commit suicide.

A question about whether or not to commit suicide can also be considered this way: To live, or not to live?

Maybe, your essay can carry a strong message that says to readers, "In the digital age a decision not to tweet is like a decision not to live!"

I think it is important to have a reason/meaning for structuring the title of the paper like a line from Hamlet's famous soliloquy about suicide. : ) Dig deep, and find the reason! Your essay will be as profound as Shakespeare. : )

Undergraduate / SAT - Some of the heroes get forgotten because they probably didn't affect directly people's lives [3]


Careful, I think that word is supposed to be remembered instead of reminded.

You have a very nice writing style, in your essay definitely does not suck. However I have an important criticism for you! I am happy to offer this criticism because it might help you a lot when completing your future writing assignments: start by writing a sentence that succinctly answers the question!

Look back at the question: Will all heroes be forgotten, or are there some heroes who will be remembered forever? I don't think you entered this question in the essay. Teachers love to take points off when students accidentally miss the point of the question and write about something different. You wrote a great essay, but teachers know that part of their job is to make sure students know how to directly answer the question instead of missing the point.

So, if you want to get good marks on writing assignments, you should respond to essay prompts by writing one sentence that answers the question or addresses the prompt. Make it a brilliant, memorable sentence and put it at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, go back and add a few really interesting sentences to the beginning of the first paragraph so that the reader's attention will be captured by the time they get to that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. The thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph should directly answer the question.

: )

Writing Feedback / "Situation after Reunification of Korean peninsula" - prediction essay [2]


Do not capNot capitalize a word that comes after a,. Only capitalize the first letter of the sentence. Also, capitalize proper nouns like 'Korea' and 'Korean'...

You had a concern about your thesis statement. I think the thesis statement should appear at the end of the first paragraph, and it should be very interesting or at least carry a very important idea. The thesis statement contains the main message that is being transmitted by your essay. What is the main message of the essay? I do not really see a strong argument to support the prediction that reunification will happen. You described what reunification will be like and how it will be beneficial, but I think something is missing from the essay because you did not give much support to show that you are likely to be correct in predicting this.

I think you should have a thesis statement that tells the reader YOU are going to be part of the reason reunification happens: I am confident in the prospect of reunification, because I intend to use my talents and professional skills to make it happen.

Writing Feedback / We always like to make progress in our life and it gives us a good sense - Toefl Essay [2]


I know you changed the essay, but I still want to quote the sentence above because I like it so much. The sentence has mistakes, but it still might be the most important sentence you typed. This sentence expresses an idea that is extremely important, and it is one that people may not always consider: everybody is so busy trying to achieve their goals, but while they were to achieve their goals they are missing experiences that they may never have the opportunity to experience again. In fact, I don't think I have ever thought about goal achievement quite like this. Your sentence, even though it had grammar errors, made me reconsider the things I'm doing today! I am working toward my goals, but are my goals still worth missing the opportunity to experience whatever is waiting for me outside my door right now?

Anyway, in the future remember to type: As far as I am concerned...

About the grammar: Pay attention to 'number agreement'
Example:
To reach their goal, they miss their family or may put their life in danger.
Some migrate to other part of
Some of these jobs need to take a risk and as a result, they even lose their life.
Pluralize these words: goals, families, lives...

Use the word require:
Some of these jobs require people to take a risks, and as a result, they even lose their lives.

: )

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Living away from parents provide youngsters opportunity to meet variety of new people [8]

In the first line of the essay, I think you should use the plural form of the word parent. Parents

The sentence that begins with the word consequently is structured very well.

Oh, suddenly I realize that the pluralization of parents I was talking about is actually part of the essay prompt and not the essay! ha ha

Okay, also check out the word major. In recent years, major - Do not capitalize the word that comes after the comma. Probably that was just mistake.

Instead of saying positives, you can say benefits or advantages. I don't think that is really the correct use of the word positive.

At the end of the essay, when you write "as far as I am concerned" I think adding that to the sentence makes the sentence to complicated. As you are working to improve your English, maybe sometimes it seems that greater skill means writing sentences that are more complicated. But complicated writing is bad writing. Stephen King, Ernest Hemingway,Natalie Goldberg, and many other incredible writers all say it is important to keep writing simple and powerful. Short sentences back a hard punch. Feed the attention of the reader small bite sized portions, and your writing will be intense and powerful.

One more thing about the last paragraph: the word provide refers back to the word living. The word living is actually the subject of the sentence, and the verb is 'provides'... So add an S.

Letters / 'boy in Radiology room' - Motivation letter for a PhD position at a research institution in Ireland [2]


This quote above shows great command of English, except for the extra occurrence of the word 'on' at the end - that is not necessary. You should get rid of that word.

Also, even though that a sentence shows strong command of English i.e. the ability to use complex sentence structure, it still includes a lot of unnecessary words. I challenge you to go through the paper and eliminate as many words as you can while still keeping the same meaning.

Here is another example of the same thing I was just talking about: look at the first several words of the paper, and think about whether or not they will capture the reader's attention. That first sentence of the paper is sort of generic/formal, and it definitely does not hit the reader with any intriguing idea.

I am confident that my sincere efforts and determination will help me to keep up with the competitive environment; if given the opportunity, i will do my absolute best to exceed your expectations. --- This one is another example of what I was trying to say. The sentence is written nicely, but it really does not say anything at all. Every student will affirm that they can use dedication to exceed expectations. If you have a real goal, something you are truly passionate about, you can replace the sentence with a sentence that carries real substance and meaning. If your motivation to continue your studies comes from the topic that really seems to be of crucial importance, and if you are emotionally and intellectually driven to achieve your most important goal that pertains to your studies, then that is what this essay will be about.

While you take out as many words as possible, I wonder if you can highlight some of your goals for the reader. If you have real goals, and if you make a real plan for achieving those goals, then the reader will want to empower you and give you an opportunity. The essay should highlight the goals that you can achieve if you are accepted into the program you choose, because that way you are making a connection between whether or not you can achieve your goals and whether or not the reader responds favorably to the paper. This puts some responsibility on the reader - because when we read an essay written by someone who really has clearly defined goals and the plan for achieving them, it makes us take notice. Most people really don't have clearly defined goals.

Graduate / In surveys Mason City residents rank water sports (swimming, boating, and fishing) among their favor [2]

Hello, I see that you need to check for 'number agreement'. That means you have to make sure to pluralize nouns that are supposed to be plural.

The proposed argument contains some stated and unstated assumption---- Make the word assumptions plural.

First, "in survey mason city residents"--- Is this the actual quotation from the source? It has a grammar error. It should say: In a survey of Mason city residents...

Another opportunity to improve your writing is here:
Also, their is no information... ---- This is an opportunity to practice the three kinds versions of this word: there, their, and they're. In this case, you need 'there' instead.

There is not enough information provided about how much the budget that the City park facility had ...

This is a very good sentence: It is not possible to determine whether the currently allocated...

When you write a sentence about a noun, you can begin the sentence with an 'article'. "The", "An, and "A"...

Argument also assumes that ... --- This sentence is wrong because it needs an article in front of the word 'Argument'.
So do this:
The argument also...

When you overcome a few small problems your English is going to be very impressive. You have strong command of advanced English grammar, but you made some mistakes that are easy to avoid. I think you got very good at some of the complex parts of English and you need to practice some basic sentence structures some more. Try writing short sentences sometimes. And also try mimicking the sentence structures you see in books and on websites; mimic the sentence structures you like.

Letters / I earn my experience and study by myself; Application for an International Project [2]

Be careful to capitalize "I" because we western people take ourselves very seriously and always capitalize this pronoun. : - )

We western people are also impatient. It's important to give your most important sentence in the first few sentences of the essay. What is the powerful sentence that will surprise the reader's attention and intrigue her so that she keeps reading? Lol...

You have a great writing style. It's very "engaging" and the humility makes it impressive.

Use the same verb tense through the whole sentence:
Being young and naive, I used to think that I am was maturer smarter and more mature than everybody else who is the same age as me. my age.

This is very interesting compared to most essays by students. I like the end of the firs paragraph, and I especially like that sentence about how you were young and naive enough to think you were smarter and more mature than others. The reader KNOWS that students who think they are smarter usually have that thought because they perform better. In that sentence you show the reader that you are smart and also humble. I know the reader will reach her own conclusion that you are smart, humble, and mature, because that is the conclusion I reach when I see that part of the paper.

I would not want to change much about this. It's brilliant, very nice to read. : )

Writing Feedback / IELTS : The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men & women [2]

Bivek3
I don't know how to give a mark. The writing looks excellent, though.

...status between the years 1998 and 1999.

To begin, Unemployed unemployed males and retired males have a maximum leisure time of approximately 80 hours per week, but in the case of unemployed females and retired females they have comparatively less leisure time, that is only about 72 hours per week.

***I understand how you were using "in the case of" but it actually is not strong writing. It is a phrase with a lot of words. Strong writing does not often use more words than needed.

***This type of writing is very hard! You did well with it. Try to keep the sentenced short if they contain a lot of data, or they will be hard to read.

Use a hyphen: full-time... part-time

...females, which are approximately 48 hours and 40 hours per week respectively. ---This sentence is correct, great job.

Full-time employed women ---How about this:
Women employed full-time have comparatively less free time, which is about 38 hours per week.
I changed the order of the first words and deleted "which is"... so the sentence is simpler and clearer.

: )

The conclusion that can be drawn from the graph: Females enjoy comparatively less free time than their male counterparts .

Undergraduate / Learn about new cultures and serve people; Peace Corps [2]

Hello, I'll give some of the best advice I ever offer about writng: Throw fewer punches that don't land. That means, "Say the same thing in fewer words." In general, it is the way to refine your writing. For example:

My desire to serve in the Peace Corps is rooted in my great yearning to learn about new cultures and serve people.
My desire to serve in the Peace Corps is rooted in yearning to learn and serve.
The second sentence feels nice to read, because it doesn't weight the mind down with a lot of unnecessary symbols to decode (i.e. words). Reading is supposed to be a sensory experience to enjoy... like listening to music. In the second sentence, there is space left in the reader's mind. A question is raised: "Learn and serve what?" This question/curiosity leaves the reader thirsting for a little more..

Continuing this way, you can trim away the excess like Miyagi with a Bonsai: The experience revealed to me the intricate beauty that can be revealed when other cultures are experienced of the human spirit.

Flexibility is another important characteristic that I hope to carry into my Peace Corps experience. --- It's almost always helpful to kill the word "that"...

You are such an admirable person! I'm glad to share these ideas with you as you take this next step in your process. : )

Book Reports / Advice on Southern Gothic Essay on A Good Man is Hard to Find [2]

Add a comma.... the grandmother said to The Misfit was, "You...
You have a great writing style.. very clear.

I think you should discuss the "elements" in the introduction paragraph. Also, end the intro paragraph with an interesting "thesis statement" that says something unique and meaningful about the way that the story uses the elements. The trick is to wait until you discuss many elements and then notice some interesting characteristic of the story. That thesis statement is what'll make your essay meaningful.

I think it will be best if you clearly state in the TOPIC SENTENCE of each paragraph what elements are being discussed. That will probably be a clearer way to respond to the prompt.

: )

Essays / Support or refute a statement using Life of Pi and Hamlet [2]

Pi is about a shipwreck, so you can find quotes about survival. Hamlet obviously has a lot of survival and non-survival. It's easy to find quotes about life and death, and it's easy to find quotes about action people take. Sometimes the action saves them, and sometimes it gets them killed. In which story do you think you have more examples of survival being a matter of not acting? I know the answer I would give...

I think you should skim through and pull out ANY 10 quotes from the books as long as they have something to do with survival or death. There are a lot! Do that, and then challenge yourself to use one of them to support or refute the statement.

*** The fact that you are allowed to support or refute should make this very easy, but really I don't think it is a statement that can be refuted sensibly.

*** This is easier than you think. : )

Graduate / 'Guatemala' - Peace Corps experience; serving others, working as a team [4]

I'll try to make it a little more efficient at the start here:
From my community service as a health educator in rural Guatemala with the Peace Corps I have not only enhanced my knowledge of what it means to serve others and how to successfully work as team; but also throughout it all, a little more about myself as well.---I like this introduction. Maybe at the end it can be mopre specific: a little more about my _______ as well (something that pertains to the goal you are trying to achieve by entering this degree program.

Another important aspect lesson I have learned about service is to show I am not

Here you can be more specific: Working in Guatemala has helped me realize that _______ is the key to working successfully as a team.

Hyphen: Somewhere between hand-washing my ...
Hyphen: to self-reflect.

One important aspect I have learned is that I am dependent on work. The lowest points in my...

I am so grateful for the time I have spent in Guatemala for teaching me about the value of serving, how to work in a team, and a little more about myself my _______ something about the goal you are working toward now, the person you envision yourself becoming.

Very impressive writing here!

Writing Feedback / Security Concerns of Pakistan / Foreign Policy [2]

It sounds like you are saying Pakistan's leaders should allow themselves to be influenced by coercion from the threat of attacks by the Taliban. Do you think Pakistan should avoid any kind of involvement in the conflict so that they can avoid incurring the wrath of the Taliban? In this piece of writing, it's unclear whether you think policy should be based on principle.

The policy was followed till 2001. After the attacks of 9/11, America was again seeking alliance with Pakistan. --I corrected the grammar here.

This time Pakistan was forced to support the American effort by the famous statement of American President to Pakistani President: "Either you are with us or against us."

Unfortunately, Pakistan again become the ally of American America in the so-called "war on terror." Due to the invasion by Americans and Pakistani support for them, the Taliban announced Jihad against Pakistan.

This situation brought the wave of suicide attacks in throughout the country. However it was controlled at least to some extent.

In the meeting of foreign secretaries, All proves (???) regarding the infiltration of India in Baluchistan were presented to the higher authorities of the Indian Government. ---I don't know how you were using "prove" in this sentence.

***I think you can go a step further in your analysis and make a more specific suggestion. What is the ultimate goal? What is the most important goal? If you think in a bigger way, you can take this a little further and make it even more meaningful. Thanks for participating at EssayForum!

Undergraduate / My Addiction - Computer Science Application [2]

Studying Informatics, Human Centered Design, and Engineering has ...---I know why you typed it the way you did, but despite the program names you can make this sentence look proper, with commas separating the items on the list.

... provided me with a broad perspective on the process of creating technical products. outside of coding them. Need to shave off the excess information.

Right here, again, shave off the excess:
I've explored how to tak e the results of those interactions and created personas on which to base products.

I would like to be "the bridge" between the designers and the developers. I hope not only to be able to draft up an idea and incorporate good design aspects, but to also be able to implement that idea, and to make it a reality. ---great stuff here.

 
"Curious"? Yes, I am curious about computer science, but the words just don't

Learning to create programs in Java and Python was only the beginning. I've recently discovered applications that allow people to program their cell phones...---it's offensive to type "you"

Excellent stuff here, I think you'll be well received. Try to find ways to take out unnecessary "excess" words so the writing packs a harder punch. :-)

Writing Feedback / 'Talk is cheap' -the way modern communication shapes the way people communicate [2]

I like the theme here... we communicate more but say less. I'll correct the run on thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph:

This transformation has undeniably altered communication between individuals, and because of the recently emerged communication innovations; we may in fact communicate more, however but we tend to say less.

I see that each paragraph 2 to 4 begins with a topic sentence that expresses the paragraph's main idea. That's great, but I want to fix up this one in the 3rd paragraph:

As it has been stated, Communication through modern text is easy and efficient, although simultaneously impersonal.

And I like the way the last paragraph gives a reflection and expansion on the main idea. That is the way to do it.

When you look at the 3 body paragraphs, can you give ONE word that sums up the main idea of each? The main idea is expressed in the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE so look at the first sentence of each paragraph and you can decide if you think the meaning is succinct and clear.

Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]

Capitalize: "No way! That ...

Put a space after the periods and commas:
I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television. A rat, headed for cheese, was...

Jerry surprisingly lifted objects that I could never lift. ---ha ha, this is great writing! Well, they are cartoon boxes, so you probably could lift them.

In one of the TV series; Tom shot at Jerry who, after having been hit by the first bullet, jumped on the second bullet and rode on it ti its destination where he switched off a jet programmed for destruction.---In this part, I made some changes so that it would flow nicely and I added "having" to make the correct verb tense.

One word, not two: classmates

the comma comes before the " mark:
in college added pepper to my wound. "Perhaps, it's my destiny," I muttered on my bed where I decided not to ever think of studying abroad.

Great ending, you should be very confident in this. I hope you have a lot of time to help other people on essayforum, because you have good ideas.

Undergraduate / 'diligent mind and body' - Rutgers Personal Essay [2]

Your first sentence needs more of a punch, but your point is strong in this paper. Always make statements and not opinions, this makes the reader confident,if not convinced, that you are utterly correct. Take out the "I believe" and read the sentence back to yourself. You may find this to be a great tactic.

You can always improve the strength of your writing by taking out "I believe."
Look:
I believe Rutgers University demands a ...--Isn't it much stronger and more confident this way? "I believe" is a phrase to be avoided.

I proudly exhibit a copious number of substantial qualities. These qualities include, but are not limited to: This cliche and the verbose sentence that precedes it are not helpful. They can be replaced with a paragraph topic sentence that plants a powerful idea in the reader's mind. What is that key idea? How do these qualities add up to make you totally confident about attacking challenges and achieving your SPECIFIC goals?

:-)

Book Reports / A good argument thesis for Titanic? [3]

you need to have a solid affirmation of the titanic's(the movie??) literary relevance? Well, that's what it seems so i'll give you some pointers to help you develop your thesis. It's intimidating because of the emphasis put on it by every teacher from elementary school on, but a thesis develops almost naturally. Now, you need an assertive mindset and your solid facts. You seek to convince your audience to perceive this work as a documentary of sorts. State your reasoning confidently as a fact, not an opinion. Good luck!

Book Reports / Fatalism vs self Determination vs human ambition - MACBETH THESIS - Am I in the right track? [5]

The first thing I did was look for the common thread among these three. I'm sorry, BTW, this is too late to help you; I hope you did well! Anyway, I am seeing that ambition is the theme for all three of these. You have one big theme that links them all together. So you could write a paragraph about each of these, but each paragraph could begin with a topic sentence about the central message you are giving about ambition.

The easy way is to write one paragraph or one page for each of these, citing examples from the play and considering the implications, etc., and how they apply in various situations. Then, you can go back and add topic sentences to the beginning of paragraphs and transition sentences to the ends. After you write the paragraphs, glue them all together by adding sentences that focus on one excellent message that makes your essay meaningful. The fact that you have these three subthemes should make it easy to build a paper. : )

Dissertations / Need research topic (automata languages and computation or system programming) [4]

That's such a large field, and it's very new. You have plenty of room to make contributions, but I can't really list problems for you to solve. In order to identify the most pressing issues in your area of interest, I would have to be an expert in that area. That's why you need to make a contribution like this in order to become an expert. Writing a thesis or dissertation is only 10% of the work. The other 90% is reading enough RECENT articles by others so that you know what problems have been tackled and what has been done about them. You'll find your own research question when you look at the next logical step that should be taken after the steps that are being taken now (i.e. you build off of another recent article). So Google around for "automata language" to find articles about it, and read one that has a literature review.

The trick is to read an excellent, recent literature review. : )

Book Reports / Analysis On Quotations of Oedipus the King [2]

You can start by writing some sentences about the context. To analyze each of these you can give a sentence to express the character's intention, etc. You can talk about what his emotions might be, what his reasons and emotions might be. After that, you can talk about why the writer of the play chose the particular words he chose. For each quote you can tell the meaning, the context, the reasons why the writer used the words he used, and then you can speculate about the implications and the ways these quotes might be meaningful for people in other situations. It's easy to write a lot about this sort of thing because you can write about what was said, why, how the character intended it, how the author intended it, and how people in different situations might interpret it. The trick is to come at it from a lot of different angles. :-)