Writing Feedback / 'people who give their opinion for justified purpose are heroes' - sat essay [2]

A simple, more refined opening statement is necessary, for starters such as: "There are many actions and factors that define a hero. One such action is....

However, John Adams, being a brave and determined man and believing that the redcoats' behavior was justified, agreed to defend them with the statement that :' I only side myself with the side of truth and justice.'...After knowing their plan, several powerful meatpacking factories, such as CLAIR MEAT, threatened them by sayingthat ' keep you mouth closed or go to hell'... However, not daunted by the threat as other reporters did , Sinclair published ' the jungle', which revealed how dirty the meatpacking process was, as he was clearly more compelled to preserve justice than succumb to any threat or intimidation.

Good job

Dissertations / Suggest topic for a PhD project in HR. Organizational Psychology? [2]

Well, just of the top of my head: mindfulness techniques, Schein's "psychological contracts" (google it), development and allocation of employees, "communities of practice", i.e how the physical layout in which people are working affects their ability to be successful while feeling confident and organized... fung shui?

Those are just a few suggestions which you will, hopefully find useful. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Funding artists or spending money on other important subjects? [2]

I think a more simple introductory statement would fit better such as "In my opinion, there should absolutely be government funding for artists" and carry on from there...

This is very nicely written; your structure, layout and language are all on point. You may also want to mention all the money that is spent on things you don't find particularly crucial to the health and well-being of our country as a whole to use as a comparison. And if more money was allocated for art programs in schools, and for artists, architects and musicians, it would enrich the quality of life for so many people which would thereby boost morale, peace and stability as a whole....(and may even reduce juvenile mischief, adult crime, etc... Just some thoughts. I agree with you wholeheartedly and I hope you find this helpful! Good luck.

Undergraduate / (Creative Writing with a specialization in fiction) Study Objective essay [2]

...There is no doubt that writers taught and trained in the United States is responsible for creating famous, world renowned novels all over the world .

For this reasons I would like to gain more in-depth knowledge of contemporary U.S. experience and would apply such positive experience on my return to Russia. Secondly, the USA is the birthplace of some of my favorite authors, including O. Henry, Theodore Dreiser, and Margaret Mitchell.

It would be so exciting just to think that I may have the chance to study in the culture they had grown up and developed their careers...very nicely put :)

MoreoverIn addition, I have worked for this publishing house...
. creative writing.
Good job, just revise for repetition and be aware that you will still sound inspired, determined and sincere without over-stating certain points. I hope you find this helpful and good luck!

Essays / O-level letter (organizing a party for young school children) - how to start? [2]

Ok, start with. Dear Sir or Madam,
I am delighted with the possibility of hosting this party and have given much consideration to making it a special and memorable event for everyone attending...(then, as instructed, spend a little time on each of the 5 details, for example) I feel that -------- would be a delightful place to host such an event because of the room, comfort, etc...and elaborate...as far as decorations, naturally, fun bright colors for children...just incorporate a couple sentences or a paragraph for each checkpoint on your list. You could have the teachers be involved by having them each come up with a fun/educational activity table with games, art, etc. Just show lots of enthusiasm (to make it persuasive, as instructed) and be sure to close it with." It would be an honor to help facilitate such a joyous ooccasion and I greatly appreciate your consideration, sincerely _______

I hope this helps!! Good luck

Book Reports / (Hills like White Elephants and Hemingway) - review essay [2]

One of the greatest writers of all time is Ernest Hemingway.
Hemingway traveled the world and it greatly influenced his writings and life. Tragedy was one of Hemingway's biggest influences. (right here, is an opportunity to elaborate, with some tragic stories, or sections of a particular book; maybe some tragic sources of inspiration that you know of, etc) His life full of adventure...(here again, when you make a statement like this, which is a new subject from the "tragedy topic", you want to provide some feedback to support this sentence. Describe sme of his life's adventures....) would guide him to write such works as "Hills like White Elephants".

It looks good so far. As I said, just be sure not to jump from fact to fact. To have a well rounded, easy to follow, enjoyable and entertaining read, you must be able to judge when it is time to elaborate on a given statement, and which ones are better left alone(i.e, the ones that close a paragraph, usually) This helps the information flow more smoothly...it also takes up pages for those long assignments. :)

Good job so far and good luck!

Writing Feedback / 'long term investing vs. short term investing' - Clep Exam Composition [4]

Long term investing has muchmany more advantages than day trading in many ways. I will attempt to propagate why I think this is a much more suitable way of investing for the average businessman/woman . (you don't want to over-use the term "invest, investor" in a single sentence, or paragraph.) It will flow more nicely this way.

Capital is better allocated if it is not depleted by many activity turnarounds.
I made a few revisions; overall this is great! I especially appreciate your closing statements. Very true, and good job!

Book Reports / Need help on body points - "To Kill a Mockingbird" [2]

Hello! This looks like a terrific assignment, and I agree that it is a very important book to keep in circulation. Your structural layout looks great, and I think you definitely have enough body points. In regards to your particular appreciation of it's morals and values as a parent, I think this is a great root to intertwine all of your structure together. Emphasizing the notion that you, as a student AND a teacher (as you are to your child(ren) can draw off the life-lessons is a wonderful perspective since it is a matter of whether or not schools should keep it the loop. It's brilliant and I am eager to know how your finished assignment will be, because it looks like it's on-point so far and I love your angle.

Only positive feedback here this time! :) Good job so far and have fun.

Essays / (how to argue?) Argument essay on banning smoking in public [5]

Well just elaborate on that. Clearly establish two sides of the argument: one for banning it all indoor public places, and the other side, like you said in "areas with people that have breathing ailments" (although I don't know of such a place that people with difficulty breathing congregate besides a hospital). The point is, demonstrate the opposing side briefly, and follow when you explain YOUR side and why you feel it SHOULD be allowed with little restriction, such as personal freedom, the open air that would allow non-smokers to breathe freely or walk away, etc. You need a strong opening statement and a strong closing statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: urban higher standards of living good or bad? solutions? [3]

There is no denying that a high urban life criterion exerts a series of negative influences on society.

Under these circumstances , parks and grassland are likely to be sacrificed for these constructions.

InCombined with this implementation, the government should also construct public transportation systems between urban districts and suburbs to ease people maintaining their jobs in the town.

In conclusion, I am convinced that governmental actions play a vital role in settling the problem of a higher living standard in the city areas effectively and efficiently.

:)

Writing Feedback / Technology has several positive and negative effects on today's world; solution [6]

Technology has become more and more important to human's lives .

Therefore, advances in technology has tremendous effects on today's world.

Technology impacts today's world positively in two main ways.

Therefore, time is saved thanks to the help of machines which could learn and complete tasks efficiently. ---For example? (washing machines to microwaves, etc.)

Additionally, advanced technology can finish works which are dangerous for humans, like mining.

Study becomes convenient for students since technology offers many helpful methods.

The Internet which is a huge information sources is an illustration of this.

Technology also has negative effects on the world, particularly human's lives .

...making life more convenient and providing huge entertainment possibilities ; however it can affects people's health and interaction negatively.

:)

Scholarship / Scholarship advice (Outstanding Performance in Sciences) [6]

Since childhood I have had a great interest towards Science.

I asked about 'why' and my father could always answer me in the view of Science.

I did not confirm my career goals until last September.

Although I have a passion for becoming a doctor, I never had the chance to fully develop this interest.

Due to my strong curiosity about Science, I challenge myself by joining the Innovate Energy Design Competition with my friends.

Without scientific knowledge, our ideas could never turn into a workable plan.

I feel this goal setting is ones where I would use my knowledge to its full potential and push myself to another level.

Just as Marie Curie dedicated her life to public service, I commit my life to helping others.

I would use the money for books which will provide me with both personal enjoyments as well as help me with my school needs.

:)

Graduate / 'providing care and guidance' - Essay for Physician Assistant Program [6]

Nonetheless, this system still bares health disparities and misfortune for minorities, preventing health services and medical procedures the higher caste receive.

Here, I lobbied, researched, and advocated for several nonprofit organizations to support under served populations receiving medical care.

In addition, I attended numerous National Institute of Health symposium and discussions to further my knowledge.

I have taken on further responsibilities by volunteering at the orthopedic department at Sibley Hospital to assist in aiding patients in mobility after surgery and bandage minor cuts.

Undertaking these endeavors has been challenging, yet my perseverance was rewarded as I maintained a 3.7 G.P.A in my post undergraduate school.

The medical training I obtain from this program will enhance my future goal to assist under-served populations .

:)

Writing Feedback / People at work; job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing [5]

As most people spend a major part of their life adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing. This first sentence is great as is. The "beacause" that someone added does not actually fit with what you are saying.Firstly , if we pick any working day of an adult,...

Moreover , Corporations are filled will politics and the jealous nature of many individuals.
Great job!

Essays / 'the advantages of telling a story using non-linear fashion' - ideas to get started! [2]

There is a book called "The Temple of my Familiar" by Alice Walker which is beautifully written and quite stunningly intriguing because it is told in the first person by many people, throughout many stages of re-incarnation. In this way, it is so captivating to figure out whose recollections and experiences belong to who and to see the way the lifetimes and stories all come together. This is an advantage even without the concept of reincarnation, when you are sort of skipping around person to person, era to era, memory to memory, it is left to the reader to sort of feel their way through until the puzzle fits together. It is not only fun and interesting to the reader, but to the writer as well, especially in an auto-biography, it just makes so much sense to tell the story in anything but a linear fashion. Because our emotional lives are not linear. We are quite often in states of memory or ponderousness of the future. These are just the ideas that came to mind. I hope they are in some way useful to you. Good luck! :)

Undergraduate / Fantasie - My journey as a pianist and a medical researcher. (Research Application ) [2]

I remember sliding my fingers across the smooth wood, letting my my eyes float across the keys: black-white-black-white-black.
Yet a piano on its own is nothing but wood, strings and a whole lot of varnish. (end sentence)
I LOVE how you reflect upon the associations made between musical notes and biology; every day life ...and the glow of the setting sun. You are a poet

. It connects me with humanity and makes me want to share its beauty.That sentence is music in itself...amazing. :)
... However, above all, I am a strong and passionate young woman with the full intention of fulfilling my dreams.

You don't have to say "I deserve this bursary because..." It is abundantly clear that if anyone deserves it my dear, it is you. This is breathtaking and inspiring. I wish you the best of luck.

Essays / Starting an essay about why you will be chosen for the summer program [4]

Well, I don't have much to go by here; nor do I know what program you're applying for or anything about you! (lol) However, there are certain formulas to follow which can almost guarantee you will have a nice essay. So, start by saying "I am absolutely thrilled by the possibility of attending (such and such) program in Taiwan". Or, if this program is related to your career goals or is something you are particularly intrigued by, display those feelings in a manner such as: "It has long been a dream of mine to pursue the field/study of (___)" or "I am unwaveringly passionate about..."

After you develop a nice introductory statement, discuss your particular curiousity, knowledge and experience related to the program. It is suggested that you incorporate personal details if you can about yourself, especially in relation to the course of study or the program itself. You may also mention the things that interest you about Taiwan in general and why you would like to be there. The more personal and unique you make it the better and it may set you apart from other applicants to express your personal desires in such a meaningful way. Also, make sure you close with a statement of gratitude in advance; "I am eagerly awaiting your response and I have a very good feeling about this. This program is the bridge between me and the future of my most uplifting dreams. Thank you for your consideration. Sincerely,..."

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck!

Research Papers / ENGL 1A College Class - Thesis for Fast Food Trends [2]

Well, one thing is for sure that when one fast food chain develops a hot new menu item, the others are sure to follow with a bigger, better, 6 cent cheaper one! It is interesting and somewhat amusing that with diabetes and obesity in Americans of all ages on the rise, the greasy giants have attempted to create "healthy alternatives" such as apple slices instead of fries. (My son laughed in my face quite maniacally when I suggested he opt for the apples in his happy meal one day.) Did you know that the psychology of strategically marketing, advertising and keeping customers is so deep that at least 2 of the largest chains have a "trademark scent" that they use in their establishments? And since smell is the sense most closely tied to memory, it is no wonder that stepping foot into a certain Golden Arch, no matter the level of cynicism or shame I feel upon doing so, I am filled nostalgic feelings and fond chilhood flashbacks. So these are the first things that came to mind for me, you are obviously welcome to any of these ideas. As far as structure goes, your best bet would be to crank out a rough draft and then send it to me in a reply, we'll go from there if you like. I hope this is helpful!

Scholarship / Int'l Economics, Finance and Development - SOP for XXX Scholarships (500words essay) [3]

You may want to simplify your opening statement, using the rest of whatever information you withheld for the following sentence. It's very important to have a strong opener.

...My resolute intention for the future is to become a developmental economic and financial consultant, and a research professional at an academic or commercial, research-oriented organization in the area of development economics and financethe area I put a line through is unnecessary since you already mentioned it in the same sentence:)

Nice work. I think the closing statement is perfect and I would only further suggest that you remain mindful of run-on sentences.
Good luck and have fun in school!

Grammar, Usage / Citing references not used in main paper [4]

Quite simply, after the quotation marks at the end of the statement, you put -Warren Buffet. That way no matter where, when or how often he said it, you know for sure that HE said it and the rest becomes irrelevant.

Dissertations / (experimental teaching in the classroom) a PhD project in English [2]

For this project, we will employ both quantitative and qualitative techniques. However, it is not limited to the exact input data nor the interpretation of some witnesses, but uses the above to find alternative solutions to problems and, through action, to transform educational practice.

Anyway, This research will be particularly important information obtained from a qualitative perspective. The peculiarity is due to the act of analyzing a field of knowledge,... While I'm sure the information here is crucial, your sentences tend to run-on a bit. Try to shorten them a bit, without bypassing any of your matter.

...It is useful useless? unless you contact and interview subjects who are incorporating this technology tool for teaching practice.

So going through the phases in this project are fourfold:

Writing Feedback / If Yoga is really that good for us , why are there so many injuries [3]

...Today with millions of Americans are jumping into the Yoga fad, because of the celebrities that are practicing yoga, without having the slightest idea what Yoga is really about.

...The development of yoga came from the ascetics, primarily living in the south of India, where they lived very disciplined lives...
...After observing this class and the participants half-heartedly attempting to do what the instructor was performing, it hit me. This so called yoga is anything but its roots.

The alarming rates of injuries from an activity like yoga appeared disproportionate.
Most people jump into yoga to get into shape as if yoga is this great panacea. In the New York Times article Author William Broad asked the question" why are so many people injuring themselves?" ...

...I imposed the same question Why are so many people injuring themselves from yoga? She said"
In Conclusion Yoga today has hit mainstream America, with people flocking to their daily classes for the masses, but at what cost?
Due to its demand Yoga has lost its main perspective being roots that were spiritually based, non-threatening and non-competitive.
As you can see, I have only highlighted area which needed revision.Good job overall and I ESPECIALLY love your closing statement. Good Luck!!

Research Papers / Overcoming the Depressed Job Market by Returning to School - English 102 essay [2]

...Even with a bleak job market, the majority of older, unemployed American's...
Many older adults are taking advantage of this education stimulus. As of 2009, 16% of college students are age 40 and older.
...Although these are hard economic times in today's job market, there are options of higher education and financial help to become an employable asset in a dependable career. An older student has more maturity, and more responsibilities in their lives, as well as higher expectations of themselves when returning to school. This creates a determination not to fail in the student with so much at stake..

Just a few revisions for you; otherwise EXCELLENT work :) Good luck!!

Essays / Writing a paper about violence,death and fear in Disney movies - ideas? [4]

This is such a coincidence. I was asked by my two-year old to tell him a bedtime story tonight and I found it extremely difficult to remember one from my youth which did not involve death or trauma. You may at some point discuss the current trend in children's stories/movies being quite "politically correct" with an absence of violence, death, etc. and at what point are protesters going too far? I heard that "Snuffalufagus" had to be removed from Sesame Street because he was a "hallucination" of Big Bird's. That's a little extreme. Well your personal opinion has a lot of bearing on what YOUR essay should include. At what age do you think children even need to be informed of the concept of death? And where should the line be draw? When a mother deer get shot during the opening scene (Bambi) or a princess is poisoned by an evil witch who is jealous of her beauty (Snow White)? I understand life lessons being incorporated into fairytales but first of all, real-life stories involving murder and tragedy are grossly inappropriate for children, let alone fantasy tales. Let's save their imaginations for fun things like fairies and wizards and dragons, etc. These are my thoughts, maybe you could branch from them. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / To what extent should university courses be geared to the economic needs of society? [2]

In some countries, governments mandate to tailor education to society's needs which has sparked much controversy among different social groups.
Some say that academic courses should...
... when courses are geared for such goal. Those enable graduates easier entry the job market where the demand...
- instead, they have attributed to the university the concept of vocational school. But these practical courses should by no means be considered a substitute for what is the basic research of various fields like physics, mathematics and earth sciences, because (new sentence here>) The latter is undeniably the base for an economy and academic research to go further.

The main privilege of attending university is to gain and enhance knowledge regardless of economics. Universities should be not so near-sighted as to abandon all the basic courses only to breed instant professionals rather than preparing for a manpower reserve for the sustainable economic development of country. There must be a healthy integration of both.Finally, I think, that in some sectors of education, the main emphasis should lie on some practical subjects to ensure universities professionalism of their attendees, however academic subjects should get sufficient attention and be taught in the majority of academic establishments.

This is great. I would revise your closing statement just a bit for strength and clarity.
Good job and good luck!

Writing Feedback / The use of internet should be institutionalized in a community [3]

I would suggest an opening statement such as "The internet is both a blessing and a curse in many ways" or "In weighing out what I believe to be the pros and cons of the internet, my beliefs are as follows"

...Another important problem is that...
The most obvious answer to this issue is for the government to authorities to clamp down on immoral websites so that the likelihood of kids' getting engaged in such websites would become non existent

You have demonstrated the cons clearly enough, but just for arguments sake, you may want to throw in a few more pros just to balance things out. Good job and good luck in school!.

Writing Feedback / Ethical Dilemma: 12 survivors in a shelter and 5 must leave. Who shall go? [3]

I just have to say that as I, unknowingly dive into this essay, your very first sentence gripping and pulls the reader right in. Superb!

...With my authority and knowledge of trading I'll be able to locate resourceful areas quickly, and utilize my brainpower to maintain our necessities. Let me help us to untangle ourselves from this unfathomable set of circumstances and assist the young ones to a future they deserve..

This is excellent. I only made a few minor revisions, all in all I'd say you hit the assignment spot-on. Good job and good luck:)

Scholarship / 'basis for my future career in Russia' - Personal Statement [2]

Your opening statement is great!... I finished school in 2006 and became a student of Magnitogorsk State University where I studied journalism and read extensively at the university(I would make one sentence out of that). [/i

[i]You may consider condensing the section of author's and book 's names just a bit...
I am determined to further my education,...
Good job, I made a few slight revisions, also I think you need more of a powerful closing statement on "what it means..." to you or "The future I clearly see for myself..."

Good luck!

Essays / Help With Thesis: Pope's Essay on Man vs. Yeats' The Second Coming [2]

It seems to me like you're already headed in the right direction. To be quite honest, I am not familiar with these poems. However, based on your interpretations, I can clearly see the correlation for which you are searching. In regards to the "great chain of being and pride affecting the universe," -money and power being the driving force behind wars no matter what the propaganda states, the overwhelming greed and quest for domination by "invaders" can be traced directly to pride and ego. The desensitization that occurs in training and battle, combined with the sheer blindness of ego-driven agressors affects all of humanity; not just the people fighting. When recruiters mislead young people into fighting wars that they, at some point are another come to believe was unjust and/or they don't receive the support, respect and credentials they were promised, this pride is reversed and can manifest itself in many heartbreaking ways. And "vices into virtues" : Let's use the death penalty as a metaphor for hypocrysy; killing to punish for killing. If Joe Shmo had a tendency to be a ruthless and violent man on the streets and in his home, he can engage in combat with "the enemy" and his ability to thoughlessly hurt people will transform from jail and probation to a medal of honor...

Just a few suggestions. Hope this has been helpful :) Good luck.

Scholarship / 'put to the best academic utility' - scholarship [3]

Excellent opening paragraph!
You got right to the point immediately and bluntly, yet somehow poetic at the same time. You may be more specific about your interest in the location of the school and what you like about the area it is located in. Also, you may want to elaborate a bit on what you would like the future to hold for you on a professional level. This is very well written and I hope you find my feedback helpful. Good luck!

Scholarship / An Essay on Quotations (scholarship) [3]

"The surest way to make a monkey out of a man is to quote him" -Robert Benchley
How many times have you heard that e equals m c squared... Some of them write it on their notebooks trying to look smart regardless of the fact that they have not even the slightest idea of the sense of those letters.

. We awaken feelings of having them by learning a few phrases by heart without reading the books, in which they are contained, or studying complicated theories.

This will prevent us from making fools of ourselves and enable us to be taken seriously. If you want to quote, study; do not make the same mistake as I did when I copy pasted the opening quotation of this essay. I have no idea who Robert Benchley is. ..hahaha

This is great and I love how you ended it. I only made a few slight revisions which I hope you find helpful. Good job and good luck and have fun in school!

Book Reports / Essay on bird symbolism in Kate Chopin's, The Awakening <3 [2]

...When the reader is introduced into the life of the main character; Edna Pontellier, she has not yet been "awakened."...
These "winged" mothers are only ever able to use their wings to shelter and protect, never to fly. They too, are unknowingly trapped by society and familial responsibilities...that last statement is beautiful

I think this is breathtaking. I wouldn't normally recommend the usage of so many direct quotes but I think you have done so in an approprate manner, given the specific nature of the essay. However if you like, you could cut some out and just make your own interpretations. All in all this has been executed quite beautifully and has been a joy for me to read. I want to check out the book now :)

Good job

Undergraduate / "We must reform society before we can reform ourselves" essay [4]

.. Society is the place we live in, and all the people we must interact with.. Only as a part of society can we study, communicate, gain the experience, and learn to overcome difficulties.

When we are surrounded with igly, idly (i don't know what these last two words are, "ugly", "idle" ? ...please revise)

And if there is a leader who dare to change all the society, everyone changes too. Because the society does not exist without citizens, and vice versa.

I made a few corrections. I think you should brainstorm a bit more on some ideas on how to change society, and what things must change..just as an example: "The current generation must try to create a new society that does not emphasize and glorify (violence, consumption, self-image, etc.) so much. What would you suggest changing and how would it reflect back onto the people?

That is just a suggestion to pique your interest and enhance this already well-written essay. Good job and good luck.

Graduate / Dr. Casper, your mouse is ready for dissection. Physician Assistant Program Statement [3]

...While science and technology may continue to evolve the medical field, only humanity is capable of touching individual lives... that is simply beautiful.
My clinical experiences confirmed my growing sense of the inadequacies of a career in biomedical research...Reward for my work continuously evolves as I witness the progress made by our patients...again, this last statement is brilliant and inspiring :) Since I began working for Dr. Cudd,...

Wow. I made just those few slight grammatical revisions. I have read and re-read this, with my job and your request being to seek out and identify areas upon which to improve or "constructively criticize. My conclusion is that I wouldn't change a thing! I feel that you have put forth your experience, passion and goals in such an eloquent and inspiring yet professional manner. Your combination of science, humanity, intentions, reality and humor is most definitely on point and your structure is perfect. I hope this has been helpful! I enjoyed reading it and good luck!

Graduate / Need Help to write SOP to change Biomedical Engineering to MS in Computer Science. [3]

Alright, naturally you need a good opening statement such as. "I am very passionate about attending your university with (...) as my major for the following reasons:" Discuss what your interests are, why you would like to change fields, what inspires you about engineering, etc.It is good to briefly incorporate in your letter how and what you've done with your life thus far. However do not elaborate too much on your previous study except in how you can apply it to this new one you would like to pursue. Just display what you want and what you have to offer in a clear, dedicated and meaningful way. You may also conclude with a little bit of research regarding the location and discuss ways that the country, city etc. is intriguing to you, just to round it all out. As long as you have strong opening and closing statement and come forth as determined and genuine, without repetition or desperation, you should be all set. I would be happy to revise your completed letter as well.

Good luck

Book Reports / "Miguel Streets" - about a thought about how the world has changed? [2]

...Life has changed drastically from a few years ago for the better, than for the worst . Life in the Great Toronto area is more developed, education is a respectable mandatory service that all must attend. In addition, there is hardly any female (domestic?) abuse.

Miguel street is different from the Great Toronto area today, it is more developed in a lot of ways ...A cent was worth a lot in Miguel Street, the dollar has increased; today a cent can hardly buy anything.. Elias was the only one who knew

The Great Toronto area has changed drastically more for the better, than for the worst . Life in the Great Toronto area is more developed, education is a respectable mandatory service that all must attend and there is hardly any female abuse. (this is repeated exactly from the first paragraph... I don't know if you meant to do that or not) Do you think Miguel streets living style was worse than the way we live in the Great Toronto area? What time era would you want to live in?

I only left the sentences which I made revisions to.
Good job and good luck!

Writing Feedback / 'the quantities of goods transported in the UK between1974 and 2002' - writing IELTS [2]

However, the number caused by road shipment is almost four times higher than by pipeline did in the past, that is nearly 100 million tons and 25 millions in 2002, and 70 millions in 1974 comparing with 7 millions in (provide date/era for this number), respectively.

To sum up, during such periods, goods being transported by road seems to be the outstanding method for shipment, and it is forecast to rise faster in the future.

I have only included areas which I have revised and I feel you should remove the last sentence you wrote completely since the previous one is sufficient in stating your conclusion.

I hope you find this helpful, you did a great job.
Good luck!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MLIS (Library & Info Studies) Program at LIU [4]

In history, I found the human connection that was denied to me at home , torn by constant violence and recriminations.

In it, I rediscovered a personal and national self that I had lost in the turbulent years of my adolescence and the fateful move from rural Russia to that metropolis of American life, New York City.---You are an amazing writer!

To complement this shift in focus, I undertook a study of philosophy.

By the time I received my BA, I had completed a 30-page independent project in history...

And while I found it rewarding to work with people, I feel that I need to refine my qualifications to make my work more meaningful for myself.

As a library professional of the twenty-first century, I want to be able to engage patrons on terms and platforms of their preference.

This is really great, and the last sentence is perfect.

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS topic: Increase in retiring age-agree or disagree [6]

Some believe this phenomenon-increase the average age- (Unnecessary to restate this topic) must be viewed...
Increasing or "to increase" in the retiring age with respect to the average age of workforces may seem reasonable. In fact, as the average age increases... Workload and work circumstances are the imperative elements that should be considered for determining the age of retirement.

Finally, increase the age of retirement can hurt employment opportunities for younger adults. In fact, all the vacancies would be occupied by old workforce, and just rare opportunities would be available for youth.

Nice work :)

Writing Feedback / "We need to increase the funding for the movie" - ARGUMENT ESSAY FOR GRE [2]

The argument stated here, in my opinion, is seriously flawed. It makes alot of claims which are baseless. There are assumptions taken for granted which cannot hold true without certain facts being mentioned to support them.

...Just because he has been in the add sector, it does not mean that he is incapable in the film sector.
...alot of them are sometimes pushed into courses or filed of study which they are not interested in by their parents or for a lack of opportunity.

...The second failure in this argument is the statement that increasing funding will ensure a quality product.
Due to all the above flaws, the argument is unwarranted and severely requires reconsideration and amendment.
Very nice closing statement. I can't "grade" this but I hope you find my revisions helpful. Good job:)