Undergraduate / "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail"? Common App Questions for VCU [6]

Sarah, don't fret. Essays pass through numerous drafts before they become perfect enough to consider for submission. Here is a thought. Try your best to develop the paragraph using the information I provided. I don't care how you do it at first, just get it done the best way you know how. Once I see how you treated the suggested changes, I can jump in and work with you on a better presentation or cleaning up the paragraph to suit the additional information. You are the only person who knows what information you wish to present in the essay. I can only help you with regards to improving that aspect. Give it a try. There are no right or wrong ways of presenting information about you in an essay. There are only clear ways of presenting it. That is what we will work on once you have written the new paragraph :-) You've only written the essay once so far. Expect to write it about 3 more times before you start to feel comfortable with it. If you are willing to keep revising, I am willing to keep helping :-)

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always an uncaring and irresponsible kid - about one interest or experience [3]

Luis, while you have written a very touching story, there is a problem in the way you presented it . The story revolves more around your father and his American adventure prior to your family joining him. So we are learning more about your father's experience rather than your own experience. Try to revise the essay in such a manner that it concentrates on your own experience instead. You can talk about the academic and social adjustments that you had to make when you arrived in the United States and how the move altered your family dynamic in your mind. Have the reader join you on the experience. Let us in on what it was like for you to experience America the first time and to have to deal with a culture really different from your own. You claim your parents provided for anything you wished when you live in Mexico, explain how and why that changed in the U.S. and how that change helped you develop as a person. Present your development as a person, what traits changed and what improved? Show us how the move created an improved version of Luis 1.0 :-)

Undergraduate / Wrestling with my fears - Essay for University of Washington, Seattle [7]

Louisa, I have to have to ask you is whether you have a choice between the topics presented as A and B. If you had a choice, which prompt did you choose to answer? Or did you decide to answer both prompts in one essay? The reason I ask is because your essay needs to be tamed in such a way that it responds to only one of the two prompts. It is cluttered with too much information right now and your stories are not smoothly connecting with each other. The grammatical errors and the informality of the application essay, which serves as an interview on your part, also need to be corrected and/or toned down. However, those problems can only be addressed properly once you have developed the correct theme for your essay. Let's work on developing the theme first shall we?

Writing Feedback / UM-Twin Cities Educational Interests American Studies [6]

I believe that this is a very good version that you can already use for the essay app. There are just a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed in order to make the essay read better. I have noted those suggestions below:


- Being of Korean descent born in Japan,


- I learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage through the immigration lens


- I hope to learn about the...


- UM- Twin Cities offers me the opportunity to learn on an interdisciplinary level that is sure to benefit my students once I return to Japan to teach them the benefits of welcoming immigrants to Japan.

I am wondering if we went over the character count at this point. Would you mind double checking and letting me know if we did? I will cut down the character count some more if needed :-)

Undergraduate / Red Cross volunteering - a huge step towards my goals in the medical profession [6]

Lauren, this is a very good essay. It clearly shows the participation that you had in the activity and the kind of personality development that arose from it. As an extra curricular activity, it certainly portrays your willingness to work with a group and the ability to interact with people on various levels. In my opinion, you were able to present yourself in the exact manner that the prompt requires and I believe that it will be an asset to your application. That said, I do not think that you need to mention wanting to continue such activities at Washington and Lee mainly because the prompt is not asking for such a response. It only wants you to relate the story of your activity. One of the rules of common app writing is to just answer the questions being asked and try to avoid too much information. In this case, the reference to activities at the university becomes irrelevant to your response :-)

Writing Feedback / High salaries and not disturbing during work are the key factors of encouraging people to teach [2]

- Abdurasul, I suggest that you learn how to discuss each of your reasons as separate paragraphs so that you can present the full idea behind your reason. When you number the essays this way and then compress them into one paragraph, the line of reasoning gets blurred and needs to be developed further. You solve the under developed line of reasoning simply by discussing each reason in a stand alone paragraph.

- You only present one solution to the problem so there is no need to number it. Just discuss your reason for the increase in salary in a manner that shows logic was used in developing the solution.

Scholarship / I`m Architect, I want to apply to Masdar Institute - "Statement of Objectives" [7]

mAwad, you totally missed the point of the essay. You need to describe the current activities that you are engaged in that showcase your leadership abilities and proves that you will be returning to your home country after you graduate in order to help your motherland. The objective here is to represent yourself as a future leader who, at this early stage, has already set up a method by which the country can benefit from your untapped leadership abilities as your overseas studies will be sure to make a leader out of you in the future. Discuss your idea of what an effective leader is and inform the reader as to whether you believe that you embody these traits already or hope to embody them in the future. Then explain how the scholarship and the studies abroad will help you further enhance those traits. Closing with an explanation of how these traits are very important for you because it will help you become a leader of sorts in Palestine in the future.

Writing Feedback / People should use phone in correct occasions and should not use it in specific public areas; IELTS [6]

Shu, there is actually another way of discussing your personal point of view in this essay that you could have used. There are times when the use of cellphones in public places is discussed from an etiquette or social norm point of view. This dictates that mobile phone usage should not interfere with the movements, actions, or enjoyment of the people around the user. This means that the phone should be set to vibrate or text messaging only when in public places such as buses, libraries, museums, or even at home if you know that the people with you in the house wish to rest. It is typically seen as rude behavior to be talking loudly on your phone in public because it disrupts the others. While the use of cellphones cannot be banned, these establishments have the right to set a degree of decorum for the benefit of their clients. Therefore it would be best to not ban the use of cellphones in public places, but merely, regulate its use in order to balance the need to use technology with the needs of the other people.

That is just a suggestion on my part. I hope you consider it for inclusion in your personal point of view in order to give it more strength :-)

Undergraduate / I had my mind set on going abroad for college, and all before that has felt like an intermission [3]

Shane, this is an essay that is unique in the sense that it tackles a topic which is not normally openly discussed in common app essays. As such, I believe that it will make you stand out in the mind of the admissions officer reading your essay. After all, you successfully presented the situation you found yourself having to deal with, successfully I might add, and then related it to your interest in particular fields of study. This is truly a story that is so central to your identity and presents a side of you that the other common app essays may not have given you an opportunity to discuss. I would however, like to see a part towards the end of the essay that discusses how you have started to rewrite your history in preparation for college. I know that you are now more accepting of who you are as opposed to your mother, but I am hoping that she has somehow come to terms with who you are? Part of the central identity story in this case is the reaction of your family that is pushing you to attend college if only so that you can rewrite your history and live a new life on a fresh slate :-)

Undergraduate / Before going to Vipassana (a silent meditation retreat) I was trying to find myself. CommonApp Essay [2]

Lili, is there a way that you can tell this story without having to muddle the experience with the meditation retreat story? It just takes attention away from your true story, of being a person whose identity was lost and is now finding her way back to who she truly is. From my point of view, it seems that the central identity story gets lost because of the way that you insert the meditation in the story. It really does not help move the story forward. You should revise the essay to speak directly to the admissions officer and tell the story of your lost self-mage from the time you left for the United States, returned to Nepal, and felt that that you did not belong anywhere. It does not take meditation to figure that out. Since the meditation did not help you find your identity either, you can simply skip it. I tried to cut and paste your essay in a word document and removed the references to the meditation aspect. It really came out more interesting and smooth that way. I suggest that you try it :-) Don't worry about any bumps you might have in the essay. If you bring up your concerns, we can work with you to resolve it :-)

Undergraduate / Brown is the answer to my 10 year old ambitions - 'Why Brown?' Essay [5]

- Hadeel, try not to bore your admissions officer with filler words. Remember he has thousands of applications to read in a day so you need to get his attention the minute he picks up your essay. Go direct to the point and answer the prompt immediately. Delete these filler sections for the sake of improving your essay.

Now, here is the thing. You need to make sure that you tell the admissions officer about how you plan to utilize your time at Brown for the further development of your academic and social traits. The asks you "Why Brown?" and does not expect you to the AO about the traits of the university that he already knows about. Instead, you should be telling them about what sets Brown apart from other universities in your mind, in relation to your chosen major. This means that you should outline how you plan to conduct your academic life and how to plan to participate in Brown socials.

"Why Brown?" Talk about the student community and how you feel that you can make a difference or enhance the social experience and the student landscape of the university. Explain how you plan to do this. The essay wants you to talk about how you will be an asset to Brown and how Brown can help you further improve yourself. Academically speaking, mentioning some subjects or programs that you look forward to joining will help, provided you can explain why those programs are important to you and your major.

Is there a chance you can try to revise your essay using my suggestions? I'll help you polish it so that it can better adhere to the requirements of the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Model rockets rocketed me into a love for science. Computer Science Major, Personal Statement - WIT [3]

David, it would really help in reviewing your essay if you can provide us with your complete essay prompt. That way we know how to judge the content of your essay in terms of the prompt requirements and also, help us generating some suggested essay conclusions for your consideration or use a guide template. The essay you have currently written is quite informative and entertaining. However, it is best if we give our editing and revision advice after we find out what direction the essay should be headed in. So don't be shy. Let us in on the full essay prompt for the personal statement. Your essay will be better off for it :-) Right now, our advice is severely limited since we do not have much room to function in nor a reference as to where the essay should be headed.

Writing Feedback / Along with job, marriage, having a child comes the moment when you cannot escape from being an adult [5]

Shon, this is a remarkable improvement over your past essays. I commend you for the obvious logic and paragraph development that you carefully constructed for this essay. I have a few grammar corrections to point out though. I hope you won't mind :-)


- We all inevitably become adults over time. These adult creating chapters in our lives are commonly marked by the first job, getting married, and having children. Placing a new sense of responsibility upon a person with every facet and thus requiring him to mature intellectually, socially, and morally.


- A person's first job signifies the first step of his adulthood. He now must learn to rely on himself and take on the responsibility of taking care of his daily needs. His parents no longer provide support and thus, adds to his pressure to learn how to live his life peacefully and in order.


- Aside from the job, marriage also proves the maturity of a person as it dictates taking responsibility for the life of your spouse and eventually, of your children. You are now an adult who can procreate and responsibly raise the next generation of humans who will also come into adulthood in their own time and pace. By taking on the responsibility of caring for another life, a person reaches the penultimate form of adulthood.

Shon, you should have just included a separate statement about your opinion. That is the only critique I can make about the content of the essay. You are developing quite well. Keep up the good work :-)

Writing Feedback / It takes failure to achive success. SAT [4]


- I suggest that you bring this up as your introductory paragraph. It has an intriguing hook that makes the reader want to learn more about what you have to say about the topic and thus, works well for the purpose of making sure the statement will be read to the end.


- The question is really irrelevant to the essay and can be omitted. However, the remaining sentences can be merged with the sentence that I told you will make a very good hook for this essay. It adds to the strength and validity of the statement you made.


- When I was in the ...
- The sentence that you open with already makes it evident that you are talking about a past event in your life :-)

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

Don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions about your essay. I will do my best to help clarify the points that puzzle you as best as I can :-)

Writing Feedback / Willy Loman - Family Man, Father, Fake, Fraud - [High School] [Death of a Salesman] [5]

I am not sure what the word count is on this essay so I am not sure if my next piece of advice will be able to help you. I was thinking that maybe you can lessen the number of quotes in the essay and instead paraphrase it as part of your explanation in the paragraph. Doing so will show a greater understanding of the scene and its essence on your part. It will also provide your teacher with an idea as to how well you analyze the dialogue and situations presented. I am not saying that having quotes is bad for the essay, I am saying that variety in the way you use the quotes would make the essay more interesting because of the logic that comes into play on your part :-)

Undergraduate / For twelve years of my life, I lived beside this river - Brown's essay: the places you have lived [3]

Jma, does the river have a name? Please mention it just in case the admissions officer is familiar with your country of origin and might be able to visualize you growing up near the river. You should also make a connection between the river and the community you live in because it will allow you to show a part of your word that may not be evident in the other essay prompts. More importantly, explain how the river affected your character development as a person so that you can better explain the relevance of where you have lived and for how long in relation to your character development. These are just a few suggestions on my part that I hope will help you better tweak your essay in preparation for submission.

Graduate / Speech Language Pathology- Graduate Personal Statement [2]

Audrey, this is a personal statement for graduate school. Therefore, its concentration should be on your current career and the path you wish to take in the future. Do not spend so much time discussing your college work because that does not count so much in a masters degree application. Your professional challenges and how you have overcome them carry more weight in this case. Your introductory statement is nothing but word filler and should be completely deleted since it does not help the essay along nor present any information about you. My main advice, is that you answer the first question supplied in the prompt immediately. You do not need such a long personal statement essay since you were already told to concentrate on


Just respond directly to the question using your current work experience and short term / long term goals as reference for the preparations you have been making for your enrollment in graduate school.

Undergraduate / My freshman year as a member of the class of 2019 - VCU Essay [5]

Lauren, double check the prompt. The VCU is not asking you how you plan to succeed in your classes at the university.You are being asked about the reason that you ended up choosing this particular major. What were your interests in line with the field and how did you further deepen your involvement in the activities related to it? The prompt is asking you to lay out the previous movements or activities that you have undertaken in preparation for your college major. This will include your extra curricular activities, seminars attended, internships, and other undertakings that prove the strong interest that you have in your chosen field of study. Remember, state your goal first, which is not merely to graduate, but to say, have a private practice in the future, then explain how you have prepared yourself for the college classes. If you took AP or college credit courses in the past, those are worthy of a notable mention. Try to revise the essay along those lines if you can and we will try to help you polish it if necessary. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you are unclear about something in the prompt as well.

Writing Feedback / Telling the truth is the best policy that a person can adopt in his life. [6]

Ebrahim, you need to review your essay and clean it up. You have spelling errors that could have been spotted at once if you used a spellchecker. You also need to learn to better develop your essays aside from personal experience. Most importantly, when you refer to scientific studies, you need to cite your sources. Since this is for a TOEFL test, you should try to avoid making references to anything academic and just stick to common knowledge evidences. This will still make your essay strongly reasoned and will further improve your chances of getting a good score because it shows your current events and popular culture knowledge. Try to develop the sentences without falling back so much on personal references if you can :-)

Graduate / Explaining poor grades during undergrad [3]

Alex, I tried to clean up your statement for you. I hope it suits your needs :-)

Having just removed myself for an abusive household upon entering college, I will admit that I was unprepared for the requirements of the course due to emotional and psychological issues stemming from the abuse that I had previously suffered. Trying to deal with my personal issues alone affected my grades and resulted in grades that I am not proud of because in hindsight, I knew I could have done better. Rather than letting my personal issues affect my grades, I should have used it as an inspiration to do better in life. Instead, I ended up dropping out of school and trying to find my way in life. Having turned my life around, I have become a registered nurse and helped abused children through the Prevent Child Abuse Athens organization. My success as a person overshadows any shortcomings I may have had as a student, I hope that I can be considered for admission upon merits other than my college grades.

Writing Feedback / UM-Twin Cities Educational Interests American Studies [6]

Kitakaname, You have a 600 character limit on this essay. I suggest you reclaim some of the character space by deleting


You can instead reword it to become shorter by saying " The United States is home to thousands of immigrants that create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan." . I also have a suggestion to further improve your last few sentences:


- The excitement of this diverse community and the lessons I learn from American Studies are what I hope to bring back to Japan in the hopes of further enlivening our communities that are experiencing its own immigration boom at the moment.

So my suggestion is to make the statement flow this way:

The United States is home to thousands of immigrants that create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan. The excitement of this diverse community and the lessons I learn from American Studies are what I hope to bring back to Japan in the hopes of further enlivening our communities that are experiencing its own immigration boom at the moment.

The word count is 356 and presents a clearer and more definitive idea of what you plan to take back with you to Japan and why. Feel free to use my example as a basis for the revision of your statement if you feel it can help :-)

Graduate / When I was young, I became convinced that we are, all of us, here on earth to help each other; SOP [4]

Jen, the essay is overly long and can actually do with some editing and revising. The questions that you need to answer in the essay are already given to you. So you just need to concentrate your answers upon those. There is no need to go back to your past and delve in your life or college experiences prior to your becoming a professional in this field. A masters degree program is meant to help you upgrade you knowledge and intellect on a particular subject matter based upon your current work conditions and experiences. You should only skim over your college background and then concentrate on your work experience and how the masters studies will help you further enhance your chances at a better career in the future. Here's what we can do, I'll quote the question and offer some suggestions as to what kind of information you should present in the paragraph. I hope that works for you :-)


- Give the admissions officer an idea as to why gaining a masters degree is important to you as a person and as a professional. The idea here is to present your ideas regarding both fields immediately upon graduation. This paragraph will lay the foundation for your answers to the next questions.


- No need to refer to your college background in this paragraph. Just discuss the important aspects of your current career that you feel are compelling enough to warrant higher studies. Perhaps it is the desire to work in a specific department that requires an MA, or even a chance at a possible promotion to a more responsible level within your department? Whatever the reasons, you should use and mention it in this paragraph.


- Be more definitive by discussing your short term (2-5 years) career plan and then follow it up with your long term (6-10 years) goals as a professional. Maybe you want to publish a breakthrough academic paper based upon a noteworthy experiment or project that you plan to undertake? Or you see yourself starting a private practice specializing in a particular field?

As you can see, the essay can be answered in as short as 3, detailed paragraphs. If you can try to revise the essay in this manner, we can help you polish the paper to further meet the requirements :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / A new now technology will soon become out of date or even useless; education for further development [4]


- Trung, this is an effective opening statement but it lacks the most important part in an opinion essay, your own opinion. You should present your opinion at the very start because it is the most important part of this essay. The rules dictate that you mention an overview of your opinion at the very start of your introduction alongside the restate prompt and the thesis of your essay. The thesis can come in the form of your opinion.

The reasons that you give within the essay are good and can be better discussed. However, if this is for a TOEFL essay, I can understand why you were not able to do that. There are grammatical errors here and there that can be corrected but only after the content of the essay has been revised to reflect your opinion on the matter. If you are not discussing any other opinion except your own throughout the essay, you should make it clear in the introduction or offer a transition statement to that effect. The conclusion needs work as well in terms of prompt restatement, summary of facts, and the conclusion based upon your opinion.

Undergraduate / Why did you choose University of Central Florida? [4]

Sebastien, you should structure your essay around your choice of majors and how the University of Central Florida curriculum and educational programs can help you achieve your immediate goals for your future after graduation. The essay is asking you to explain what it is about the academic and social community of the university that attracted to apply to their institution. Talking about your family members living close by and thus offering you a solid support system during the academic year is something that might help, but only as a minor reason for your application.

Another way to approach this essay is to concentrate on showing the admissions officer that you actually have an academic path or outline that you created which fits in perfectly with the mission statement of the school or department you are applying to. I recommend that you try to revise the essay to better suit the requirements of the prompt. Your current essay won't work because it does not contain any solid academic planning nor reference to the reasons you chose the University of Central Florida in the first place.

Writing Feedback / Difference between the book and computer [4]

I think you mean to do a comparison between books and e-books, not computers. You cannot compare a computer to a book because they have two different functions. An e-book is closer to the requirements of a book though. Here are some lines of reasoning you can use for the discussion:

Books:
1. Printed on paper
2. Manual page turning
3. Portable in pocketbook size but only allows one book to be taken on the road at a time.
4. Can be read during travel
5. Does not require special reading technology
6. Can be read anytime without relying on electricity or back up battery power

E-books:
1. Requires a special reading tool
2. Touch sensitive screen moves the pages up, down, forward, backward onscreen
3. Portable in size and allows multiple storage of books
4. Requires additional back up power in the event of battery or power outage.

You can use those reasons to write your essay if you wish. These are my suggestions that I believe will help you a lot with the development of your essay.

Writing Feedback / 'The definition of the word globalization' - Introductory Paragraph for Essay on Globalization [5]

Tamara, I have some revision suggestions for you to consider :-)


- ... according to the point of the observer.


- ... implies that globalization...


- While the definition of "globalization" varies according to cultural and social criteria, there is a unanimous agreement that the effects of globalization is similar across the world.

Your essay really sounds half finished. Any chance you can post the complete version soon just so we can see how it flows for the reader?

Graduate / Prince of Qatar Anecdote- An International experience essay for Foster Bschool [8]

Vince, I offer some comments and suggestions regarding how to better improve some paragraphs for your consideration.


- This is not really a necessary part of the sentence. You can jump to the next sentence which is more important as it speaks of the central theme of your essay instead.

- We live in a world that claims to be globalized in all of its dealings. Yet, we are faced with a multitude of social and religious conflicts due to lack of sensitivity, understanding, and tolerance for those who differ in beliefs from us. Such prejudices most often result in conflicts which could easily have been avoided if people only took the time to truly get to know and understand one another. Having grown up in Qatar, a country in the Middle East that is culturally and racially heterogeneous, I developed a mindset far removed from the other countries in the region. Over the past 25 years, I have interacted with Arabs, Somalians, Americans, and Filipinos. I have been exposed to the free love style of the Scandanavians and the conservative outlook of the Middle Easterners Each experience with these nationalities showed me a different side of their social outlook which ranged from conservative to liberal. I knew that the negative aspect of their traits were over-hyped because I found that I was not affected by the fact that my European boss was in a common law relationship. Nothing changed in our personal bond even when I knew that their relationship was frowned upon in India.

- I came to realize that the Middle East was also changing in its mindset upon meeting the Prince who was so down to earth that he made sure his royal status did not disrupt the council schedule. He also accepted my criticisms with an unpretentious attitude which showed that his status and wealth did not factor into his social relationships.

The last part of the essay works very well. Please consider my suggestions or use any portion of it, for the betterment of your essay :-) Let's see if we can still polish this some more :-)

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

No Sam. It is not necessary to tell them how you can help the school community. You are not writing a college application essay. You are applying to graduate school. The requirements of the essay are far more intricate and professional than that of the college application. Admission to graduate school is based solely on your professional credentials already. So whatever you did in high school and college do not count. Most importantly, a college mindset has no place in a graduate school essay application. In a graduate school application, you have to prove that you have matured enough to participate in a more complex and demanding academic atmosphere than what you are used to in college. Of course there is still a school community in graduate school but your participation in it will be far less than what you did in high school. In fact, due to the demands of a masters degree, you will barely have time to socialize with your classmates outside of class. Everything will be all about developing your intellectual and practical (hands-on) capacity to perform at an advanced level in your field of work.

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

Sam, your essay is too long and provides information that is not necessary for your statement of purpose. Remember, there are only 4 questions that you need to answer when it comes to an SOP.

1. Why are you interested in pursuing this field of higher study? What is your purpose for higher studies?
2. What relevant work experience do you have that relates directly to your need for more advanced learning in the field?
3. What are your short and long term goals that will be better serviced by the addition of this advanced information?
4. Explain how a graduate diploma will help you achieve these goals.

Then, you need to make sure that you are also well represented in the essay by making your passion for the field of study very evident in the essay. Let the admissions officer into your intellectual capacity by proving that you have the academic and personal skills to take on the challenges of graduate school and that you will be able to graduate from the class in the length of time offered to complete the course. In the process, you will be able to show the admissions officer that you will be an excellent alumna for the school in the future.

Try to cut down on the word count. Even though the word count is 1000 and you are coming in with 900, you are still way overboard in terms of word count. The essay says a lot, but does not deliver the important information necessary for your application. You can come in at 600-800 informative words and be able to present an excellent statement of purpose just the same. Care to give it a try? I'll be here to offer an assist when you need it :-)

Writing Feedback / Would I rather be loved for the imperfect person that I am, or for amazing qualities I don't have? [3]

You were being asked to respond by giving your thoughts pertaining to the statement about


Instead of presenting various examples that just beat around the bush but does not really answer the prompt, you should have opened your statement with a direct agreement or disagreement with the statement. Why should you have done that? The essay prompt is clear, you were to give your opinion regarding the statement. Therefore, the essay should be an argumentative essay that takes a particular side on the matter. After presenting your side, you can then discuss your thoughts on the matter using one or two concrete examples that tie in directly with the essay prompt. Doing so will ensure that the essay prompt is properly responded to and offers further insight into your opinion on the matter. Right now, the essay works in a very flimsy way. It does not really stand up as solid when analyzed with regard to its content and your thoughts on the matter.

Undergraduate / Red Cross volunteering - a huge step towards my goals in the medical profession [6]

Lauren, surely you had many learning experiences while volunteering at the Red Cross. It would be in the best interest of your essay to tell the admissions officer about the participation that you had in the organization, regardless of how minimal or irrelevant you might think it is. That is because the essay is asking you to tell them exactly what you did during this extra curricular activity. If you feel that the Red Cross participation that you had is not something that is impressive enough, then try to think of another extra curricular activity that you feel will present you in a very positive light to the admissions officer You don't have to stick to the Red Cross activity if you feel that you do not have adequate participation in the organization as a volunteer. Feel free to ask if you have any questions about the essay. We will try to help you sort it out :-)

Graduate / Prince of Qatar Anecdote- An International experience essay for Foster Bschool [8]

You can definitely use those experiences Vincen. They help to show a part of your personality that will set you apart from any prejudice that the admissions officer may have in mind while considering your essay. Since the people from the Middle East are known as staunch religious believers and supporters, showing that you have an open mind and that you are not limited to the traditional ways of your culture will be a plus in your application. If you can work it into your essay, we can work on making the essay flow smoother with the additional information. This is an open topic essay that allows you to present another side of your personality and also allows you to address any prejudice that you feel might be taken against you by the admissions officer.

As for the prince, let us try to discuss his down to earth ways in such a way that shows how he too is open minded and is someone whom you will try to emulate in life. This is a very special case since you have a higher role model to refer to as someone who has helped to shape your personality and future MBA goals. I will think about how we can do it some more if you are willing to work on it and if you think it is worthy of inclusion in your essay :-)

Is there anything else you want to add to the essay that you think I can help you with? Just ask questions whenever you have any and I will also make suggestions whenever possible or necessary. We can work together to polish this essay and make it work in a way that you are satisfied with :-)

Graduate / Prince of Qatar Anecdote- An International experience essay for Foster Bschool [8]

Vincen, in this particular essay, you discuss how your experience in dealing with various nationalities helped you to open your mind about certain issues, some of which could be considered taboo in your own society. I feel like the essay would be better improved if you gave us a sample or two of how this mindset has affected you as a person. For example, how has dealing with these nationalities influenced you point of view about religion, gender issues, and the like?

I really do not feel like dealing with the Prince of Qatar has any true relevance in this essay. Although it was an effective hook at the beginning, it somehow lost its connection with the rest of the essay midway and it did not find its way back. While I know that you consider that to be a highly important event in your life, your dealing with various nationalities, when properly explained, also proves how you have learned, on your own, that even people with differing cultural norms can get along. If you want to retain that part about the prince, you should make a definite connection between him and the essay. Perhaps he said something along the lines of not wanting to be treated as a royal and wanting to discuss all topics, regardless of his country's culture and tradition. If he showed and spoke of a great deal of respect for the cultures and norms of other nations, then we can probably better connect his story and importance to your essay.

We also need to cut down on the essay content. It is extremely long at the moment and requires a word editing in terms of count. Do you have a maximum word count for this paper? If you can let me know what it is, maybe we can work on meeting the requirement in a more polished sort of way :-)

Undergraduate / I'm passionately aiming for a Psychology major. "How can you benefit from the education at AUC?" [3]

Nour, you have spent so much time discussing things about the university that the admissions officer already knows about. You only discussed your interest and benefits of studying at AUC in the second to the last paragraph of your essay. This is not an essay that will interest the admissions officer because you have not properly addressed the issue given as a topic. You are being asked to discuss how you will benefit from an AUC education. Therefore, rehashing the information about the university is not going to help your application. You also seem to be discussing 2 majors instead of one in this essay. You need to clean it up. I would suggest that you concentrate more on delivering your answer as to the benefits that you perceive you will be receiving from the education that AUC offers in relation to your chosen major. Is your chosen major Psychology or Music? You present a discussion about both. Pick one and build upon it. Then post the essay in this thread again so we can help you by reviewing it again :-)

Graduate / As a child I loved to tear things apart - International Dental Program SOP [8]

Yes, I agree that it is a bit repetitive, However, it is necessary because we are trying to show the progression of your interest in Dentistry. Let me take another whack at this. Use it as your next template if you wish :-)

I grew up with a love of tearing things apart, after which I would immediately put it back together. It was an interest that I have not outgrown and was further fueled by a medical mission trip I took to Jalisco, Mexico. It was during this trip that I learned of the beauty of dentistry in relation to my desire to constantly take things apart and put it back together

Does this sound better and less repetitive to you?

Graduate / As a child I loved to tear things apart - International Dental Program SOP [8]

Daisy I want to add an adjustment to the first paragraph if you don't mind. I think it will really help tie in your love to tear things apart and dentistry :-)


- As a child, I loved to tear things apart. The fun part for me, was putting it back together. I enjoyed the meticulous need for attention to detail that putting these things back together required. As I matured, my interest in learning how to take things apart and put them back together only grew. By the time I was in high school, I was looking for more intricate things to tear apart and put back together. it was during this pivotal time in my life that I traveled with a medical mission to the rural part of Jalisco, Mexico. It was during this trip that I learned of the beauty of dentistry in relation to my desire to constantly take things apart and put it back together

Do you think my suggested additions and revisions work for you? All the other parts of the essay work well with the paragraph at this point.

Writing Feedback / Willy Loman - Family Man, Father, Fake, Fraud - [High School] [Death of a Salesman] [5]

Kyle, be proud of the way that you wrote this paper. You have done an effective discussion covering the beginning, middle, and ending of a very complex and highly emotional story. The grammar you used is very academic and the method by which you presented your line of reasoning is quite logical and acceptable to all those who read the book. The parts that you quoted are really good and your explanations regarding the quote is effective for the purpose of your paper. I can manage to say all of these things as an over view of your essay. I am sure that you had at least 4 guide questions to use in answering this paper and I must say, you used those guides quite effectively. This is a very solid piece of writing that should get you a solid grade once you submit it. Do you want us to help you with anything in particular about this essay of yours? I f you do, just let us know so that we can adjust our review of your work accordingly :-)

Graduate / I have always been so close-minded - University of San Francisco Essay - Jesuit Mission [7]

Jennifer, I already advised you about the way that you use the word apart in a separate essay. You apparently did not listen to me or you forgot. Change all references to apart in this essay to "a part" As I explained in a previous thread to you, "apart" means to separate, " a part" means to join in. You do not mean to separate anything in your essay so do not say "apart" say "a part" since you want to join in. I am emphasizing the need for you to remember the difference in the definition of the like sounding English words and cautioning you about the way that you use it.

That said, this essay is highly improved over the original one. The only problem, is that you never truly discuss how you plan to become a part of promoting the school mission. You can become a part of that quest in various ways. You just have to think of how you plan to do it first as a student, then as a professional in your field of work.

(Note: I highlighted the word "a part" in order to show you how to properly use the word.)

Graduate / I am committed to helping children transition into their next life stage - Statement of Intent [4]

Hahn, your MA statement of intent or purpose does not follow the requirements of the essay. You are supposed to open the essay by stating your intention behind your desire to enroll in graduate school. Normally, a person who is applying for an MA has at least 5 years work experience under his belt and is looking towards a job promotion or career enhancement that requires more advanced studies in the field. You past academic achievements, be it high school or college, even your past academic organizations and volunteer services do not count towards any consideration in our abilities to perform as a graduate student. That information is overlooked and considered unimportant in an MA application.

What your essay should instead contain is, the purpose for your desire for higher studies, your current work position and relevant experience, your future goals (short term and long term) and how these advanced studies will help you achieve that. It is always good to note any future projects, dissertations, or experiments that you plan on participating in or having published as a graduate student. If you have any previously published work, you need to mention that as well. Those are the only types of information necessary in an MA application.

Right now you have written an impressive summary essay pertaining to your college achievements. The only part that you can use in your SOI will be the part about your current profession for the aforementioned reasons. There is a definite need to revise this essay.