Undergraduate / Flexibility (taking more classes) - Northwestern Supplement [4]


You should spend time researching careers before you research colleges. The uneventful first few paragraphs of this essay just show that you do not yet know what you want to do. That is okay, but it is not okay to focus on that fact as part of the essay. Instead of saying "I don't know what I want to do," tell all about your many aspirations (i.e. what you DO want to do).

So... I don't like the first half of the essay! I don't think it helps.

Also, let's not write about small class sizes, location, or any other obvious, superficial stuff. You either have clear goals for the future or you don't, and if other students expound many goals and aspirations they will be able to be more competitive than you. Please don't take offense to the criticism. I am telling you something I wish someone had told me when I was writing my college essays: show that you have many interests and goals that Northwestern can help you to achieve; don't focus on indecision.

Undergraduate / University of Rochester in the field of engineering, subject and learning situations [3]


This gets your essay off to a slow start! Let's replace it with an interesting, meaningful sentence. At least extend it so that it carries some meaning.

Great corrections from Adrian!

The word strive means to try hard. I think you used it incorrectly. I also think it is always a bad idea to write "I believe" in an essay. "I believe" is always a weak way to start a sentence!

:-)

Undergraduate / Timely Innovation-What do you see yourself exploring at UPenn? [11]

The writing is brilliant, but you probably already know that. The alarm clock theme does not work, though, in my opinion. I am trudging through the essay trying to figure out what it all means... and it is only your GREAT description that keeps me going. I think that alarm clock theme needs to be replaced with something that strongly, clearly answers their prompt question. Clarity is important in answering the prompt, because you are taking this creative approach by writing about the future in the present verb tense. So... let's kill that alarm clock theme and answer them in an interesting, awesome way. :-)

Undergraduate / From mathematics and science to engineering: Carnegie Mellon Supplement [3]

...long as I can remember.

I believe studying at Carnegie Mellon can aid me in finding my future career. This sentence is not interesting or meaningful. I cannpt find much room to criticize your excellent writing, but I will say that the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE is always very important, and you should never state the obvious in the topic sentence. Change this sentence so that it expresses an interesting idea instead of just an idea that the reader already knows. You would not be applying if you did not think this school could empower your career.

Same here, don't miss the opportunity to effect the reader powerfully at the beginning of a paragraph:
Also, the research opportunities at CIT caught my attention.

to become a successful engineer---It is even more impressive if you express to the reader that you want to be a successful engineer as a means to an end... for example, that green technology you mentioned. At the end, it is better to stay focused on a specific, interesting goal. That is no big deal, though! Your essay already looks great!

Writing Feedback / Competition and cooperation is both important as children are growing up - my IELTS writing [3]

The issue of children's education has been constantly debated in our society.

...and less time consuming in cooperation with others, which is a significant pattern for current developing of our society. This part is unclear, but you write very well and I bet you can replace it with some words that convey your intended meaning! :-)

On the other hand, there are a great number of new technologies and services have arisen from competition, which brings about great advances for our society.

...in our current world, particularly these children, are the need for having should have a sense of cooperation and also competition, which not only contribute to our society's progressing, but also are good for personal development.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to live a life completely different from my father" - Personal Statement Essay [4]

...completely different from that of my father.

Use a hyphen: year-old brother and I were playing a video game. on the Nintendo 64. exclude unnecessary details.

I do not abhor my father nor do I despise ---I am starting to think you used a thesaurus when writing this... abhor and despise mean the same thing, so it seems like you are using big words on purpose. Let's take out some of the big words. For example, I do not know what the word insensate means, ha ha. So.. be careful not to let this look like you are deliberately using words that are more complex than necessary.

a plethora of affect effects on my life.

I now reside in the America alone with my mother while my brother is off at Cornell pursing his engineering studies.

Being the only man of the house ---Let's not use this outdated expression. "Man of the house" implies that men can do things women cannot do.

Okay, this essay is well-written and full of emotional energy. It is great, and you are great! If you express compassion for your father, as would an enlightened master, it will be even better. It will also be better if you focus a little more on specifically what you intend to do with your education and profession. Determination not to give up is only helpful if you also have a detailed plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Good Good Study Day Day Up"--Common Application Essay [2]

Writing college admission essays gave me a chance I never had-to live through the highlights of my (half?? what do you mean by half?) high school years again.

...making sure everything was smooth.

This is me-a teenage girl with a heroism complex. ---hhahahha, awesome.

That was when I discovered my own limitations: too easy easily absorbed by details like a single conference and neglectful of the bigger picture - and the need to let each member grow in the team.

You have some very important insights here. I am impressed! I got confused in the first paragraph, though. I don't know what Pot-pot is. :-)

Undergraduate / 'compulsions and uncontrollable movements' - NYU Dramatic Essay, Introduce yourself [5]

I think it might be better to use "fixed" here to improve the rhythm of the sentence:
...and fixated fixed my gaze on her.

...my hands in front of my face. ---End the first paragraph right here. Brilliant!

Let's make it grammatically correct here:
There was lots a lot of uncomfortable shifting. I tried to bury my head into whatever class work I could, ignoring the awkward atmosphere I created wherever I went.---another excellent sentence... very good stuff. You are a twitchy writer, like me!! I write well, like you, and I also know that feeling you are describing so well. I have the same problem, only it is called chronic tic syndrome because I do not vocalize. But I still twich, and like you I also write well! Maybe there is a correlation between twitching and writing well. :-)

Capitalize Internet, a proper noun.

He was ruthless and gentle; caring and unforgiving. ---ha ha, you are my new favorite writer...

So... are you saying you had certain THOUGHTS that triggered the discomfort and movements, vocalization, etc? I have been dealing with the same stuff for my whole life (I am in my thirties) and maybe your essay just gave me the insight I need to totally cure myself, too. I bet a lot of people will benefit from reading this. :-)

Undergraduate / "Josh helped me with self-acceptance" - Common App: Influence [3]

Great use of the word yowling... :-)

I think we can eliminate a few words here to improve the reader's experience and stil convey the same meaning:
When I needed advice or had a question , he was there with answers and solutions.

More often than not, he had a way of eliciting the answer from my own mind, influencing me to increase my mental reasoning.---very interesting! Lets change increase to strengthen or improve.

This is very well written. One criticism I can give is that you seem to go on and on about the main idea instead of developing it and expanding on it. If you can find a few sentences you can eliminate to make room, it would be good to write a few more sentences specifically about the way his influence relates to your short term aspirations and college plan. :-)

Undergraduate / "I have discovered my passion for dance" - FAMU 2 [5]

That first sentence is not interesting. It actually does not catch the reader's attention or express an important idea. It actually is not even necessary to specify how many years ago.

This would be a GREAT first sentence:
There are times when I get kicked and bruised and I feel like quitting, but my love for dance pull me back.

Here is another sentence you can kill:
It has taught me many lessons in life that I know I will be able to use in the future. Dance has taught me that if you have enough passion for something, it doesn't matter how hard it is or what your limitations are.---This is great!

Dance has shown me the beauty of humility ---Hmmmm... you need to explain this if you claim it teaches about humility.
Great ending.

Undergraduate / "Death Valley" - Harvard + Yale supplement essay [5]

Yes, it definitely fits. I think so, anyway. It is interesting, too.

I never used to like the place; one time we were there, I was desperate to get to a rest stop and use the bathroom, but the minute I stepped out of the car and felt the sun on my back I was like, "Forget this! I really don't like this part, though! It is not helpful or necessary.

Now, the thing is, you have to make it fit by rewording the ending so that this is "something about you." Show how the story and observations all add up to "something" that helps the reader to know you -- something that helps you to know yourself.

:-)

Undergraduate / An Exercise In Trust: Wrestling + Physics - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [3]


Ha ha ha, excellent. I think they may be built on a foundation of sand, because it is not necessarily true that material existed in the universe and came to life. It may be that a nonphysical being is having a dream about this material world. That means possibilities are limitless, just as Dr. Deepak Chopra teaches!

Okay, well you obviously are a great writer, and my only complaint is that the essay can be a little hard to follow... only because of the sophisticated and complex writing style. To improve clarity, try using a key word or phrase in the last sentence of the first paragraph so that a THEME will be clear.

Also, it will be great to replace this with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE that captures the meaning of that 2nd para: I've realized I take so much of the knowledge I learn for granted.

Undergraduate / "Russia: The coldness, polar bears, vodka, and Lenin or Stalin" - diversity [7]

I think you need to add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the essay. Also, it will be great if you discuss the concept called 'heuristics.' A heuristic is what we call a 'rule of thumb,' which just means that you make your life easier by acting according to general rules that are true in MOST, but not ALL situations. A heuristic is like a stereotype... not always appropriate, but often useful. Heuristics are good for use in one's work, but when you use heuristics about groups of people, it is a stereotype. Also, it undermines the sacredness of the human spirit.

Google this: heuristic

Scholarship / "Computer Science at Voorhees College" an Scholarship/Internship about myself, career [6]

...pursuing the discipline - Computer Science at Voorhees College.

I have faced the reality associated with investigating the options available in the technology field and with a scrutiny of my passion, personal and entrepreneurship skills I strive with steadfast determination to become a computer and information system manager.---Awesome, I like the energy in this writing style. You are very good!

... my professional goal is excellence, to leverage my experience and expertise in the field of technology for my clients' benefits.----- This is obvious, and certainly a reasonable goal, but I think it will be better if it tells the reader something closer to your heart, something philosophical about your goal of living in a meaningful way by doing this kind of work. It is not helpful to say you want to benefit clients with your expertise, because that is too obvious.

You are definitely going to impress them with this essay, but I think you can take out some sentences that you think the reader might not be interested in... I challenge you to take out some words and sentences by eliminating the weakest parts or saying things in more efficient ways. Less is more. :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on creativity and resourcefullness and successful financial practitioners [4]

...and basics basic concepts of trigonometry.

The project was also adjudged judged as the "most promising project" in ...

You have some great accomplishments...

After its firm-wide ...

implementation, I received a lot acknowledgment from the senior management for my determination and effort.

:-) Looking good! But I think you should use a special word or phrase both at the BEGINNING and END of the essay so that it will become a memorable theme. IT can be any word that captures the idea you are trying to express. With a great theme, this will be not only impressive but also memorable.

Writing Feedback / 'paying for communal expenses is quick' - internet has given people access to information on a level [3]

Development in the science and technology make improvements that influence every field of our daily life.

We can see these influences in the work places, at home, and everywhere else.

Today people use internet the Internet widely.

The advantages of the widespread use of the internet are easy making people's daily life easier.

But today they can manage all such issues through the use of the internet.

Another benefit of the access to the internet Internet is that every person can every time easily aware become aware of all information and news in the world.

With help of internet people can deal with some of their problems easily.

:-)

Practice the correct English 10 times for each sentence. Type each sentence 10 times, and speak each sentence ten times, and you will get GOOD HABITS with your English grammar.

Undergraduate / To Infinity and Beyond, green technology-Princeton Engineering [2]

Don't bump threads! Just ask for help from the people you help. I appreciate all the help you have been giving other people lately!! :-)

Let's not change the verb tense right here:
Buzz Lightyear had has done it again. ---Keep it in the present tense, like the rest of the essay.

I don't know this word: inutile ....Oh... I just googled it. Very good! Thanks for teaching me a new word.

...literally watching its paint dry so I could run my experiments as soon as possible. ---Awesome, I am recommending this essay to other students so that they can benefit from sharing your enthusiasm!

No need for the passive voice here: However, the majority of the time was However, we spent the majority of the time discussing immediate business issues ...

Great job! I suggest using one 'magic word' that represents your theme. That will make the essay more distinct. What is the magic word that symbolizes your theme?

Dissertations / About employees? - Need hr research topic for Ph.d. [3]


Welcome to essayforum! I see what you mean. This reminds me of a topic called 'transactional leadership, because a scholar names W.H.C. Prentice names spiritual fulfillment as one of the individual needs that leaders can fulfill for people in order to motivate them to achieve organizational goals.

"making the employee feel at home" makes me think of the concept called 'organizational culture.'

I think that is what you should focus on. Search a library database for professional journal articles, and use these search terms: literature review, human resource management, organizational culture

Also, try it with 'corporate culture' instead. It means the same thing. This is what I hope: I hope you will find great articles written in the past 5 years, and I hope you will enjoy their literature review sections. Look for articvles with sections called 'literature review' because those sections will tell ALL about the recent research studies pertaining to the topic of organizational culture.

:-)
literature review, human resource management, corporate culture

Undergraduate / "a career in medicine, specializing in neurosurgery" - University of Chicago [3]

When I read the intro, I am left wondering why neurosurgery is your interest. It would be great if you wrote that intro in a way that tells the reader how you gained an interest in that specialization.

Also, because you are still at an early stage in your process, it would be good to focus on a few different areas of interest, not just that one. We can get to know you by seeing which medical topics and procedures appeal to you, because whatever they have in common is something that reflects your personality and intellect.

I chose UoC for one specific reason. Nearly everything in the UoC is centered on academics and knowledge. It has an atmosphere that encourages in-depth study and understanding. ----This is not a specific reason. It is something abstract that one could say about any decent school.

and so on and so forth. Let's not waste words saying 'so on and so forth.' Instead, make the paragraph meaningful by showing interest in the areas of research these people have written about. Do not just list the names. You can invest a sentence to show that you are familiar with the work one of these scholars has done in her/his field. If I were choosing a college right now, I would choose the school that has the professors whose articles have influenced me the most.

:-)

Graduate / "China work experience and sincere passion towards China" LSE graduate SOP [5]


This is a good idea, but I don't think it is necessary to actually include this sentence in the essay. Let's focus on the idea you want to convey, and minimize the distracting sentences that do not help the reader appreciate your theme...

Okay, wait, I changed my mind! I don't think you should remove that sentence. In the first 2 paragraphs you did a good job of clearly explaining your intentions to the reader. I think readers appreciate that. However, I hope you can end the first paragraph in a more dynamic, interesting way. second time around. You can replace these words with some words that capture your theme for the essay (which is also YOUR theme associated with your action plan).

....in China in Beijing, to finish my bachelor studies.

Typo: I found that Chines companies ...

Use a hyphen: two-year program and ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? World Leaders Forum & academic freedom [7]

He has had taken mandatory English classes since 1st grade. His school day is had been four hours longer than mine.

His homework load puts put mine to shame.

Awesome... great job!!

Undergraduate / Academic opportunities; near the best cultural city - "Why Swarthmore?" [5]


This kind of sentence is not good. Academic opportunities should never be 'another reason' for attending a particular school. To give you my advice that I think is most helpful, I want to mention that I think the best essay is one that shows how a student has been thinking constantly and reading constantly about the field she or he chose. The student should write in a way that refers to current issues in the field and current experts in the field. Never refer generally to the field in a way that seems like you are not already participating in discourse, at least through the reading of journal articles.

:-)

not only major in Computer Engineering, but in same time I will have the possibility to receive a minor in Political Science or Peace and Conflict Studies or maybe both. This is just too simplistic. You should cite the journal articles written by the prof's at this school.

Writing Feedback / No matter if it's original, more important is how useful is this idea for the people in a new way? [4]

Hello friend, I just "reverted back" to this old thread to thank you for helping so much lately! I have been having trouble keeping up with all the essayists, and I appreciate your participation and excellent ideas...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Visit to Emerson" + "Radio is my first choice major" - Supplement Short Answers [7]

In that first essay, I really like the style you achieve when you vary the sentence length and include some really short ones... very good writing. However, I find myself feeling as though you are neglecting the significance of the Internet. Internet podcasts are starting to take the place of radio broadcasts, I think! :-)

So, I have learned: sometimes seeing limits is limiting and jumping "off the high dive" is just the thing to do.----this second essay is really well written. You seriously have a great talent for writing. I just wonder if you can somehow make the second essay more reflective of seriousness about our chosen field of study!! :-)

Undergraduate / UVA: Equality (Favorite Word and why?) [5]

...instantly know what and where to look for whatever is causing problems.---what did not quite fit.

This is excellent! It is powerful, because the first few words really catch the reader's attention. I challenge you, though, to find a way to show a litle more about what you have already been studying pertaining to the work of a Pediatric Neurosurgeon. Cite some articles, or mention some current issues faced by physicians with your specialization.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my father bought me a Rubik cube; Math Team" - U Michigan Essay [10]

I'll just make a few small improvements pertaining to verb tense:

...to find out who can could solve the Rubik's cube faster.

In secondary school, I found out that I was had been cheated; the Rubik's Cube can be solved faster mathematically.

The word won is not quite right. You win a prize, but you defeat an opponent.
I won defeated my father at Rubik's Cube that day.

This is a great essay. I think it will be better if you condense all the stuff about the Rubics Cube and find time to talk about the work you want to do to improve the world via your chosen field of expertise. :-)

Undergraduate / Favorite Something (Bach) -- UChicago Optional [4]

I'm not helping until I see you give more than a line of feedback to other essayists!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Quelques arpents de neige" - Harvard + Yale supplement essay [4]

I always advise students to let their essays reflect their plan. I always tend to think it is most impressive to write each essay in a way that ends up reflecting your plan for taking action in this world (i.e. in your chosen field which you will enter via your chosen school.) Further, I usually think culture and national pride are destructive things, that the person who identifies with this country or that country is just practicing self-deception, because the human spirit is far more profound than some conception of what a particular culture is all about. But even though that is my general idea, I cannot bring myself to criticize this essay because it is so well written! I don't agree with your way of thinking and your way of identifying yourself, but I certainly admire your writing ability and your thoughtful reflection!

Undergraduate / "Life full of hardships to make me mature" - Hawaii Pacific Personal Statement [5]


This is very impressive. I hope you find time to read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning.

I admire you for your strength and writing ability.


Yes, at the beginning and end of this essay you have to add a sentence about your aspiration. Even if you are not sure of a career path, you still should express one aspiration that the reader will remember you by.

:-)

Undergraduate / Uniting the best of oth Worlds...and then some: UPenn Supplement [5]


I actually don't think revered is the right word. Balance is something you can value or cherish, but reverence is a feeling of admiration and respect. It is not really wrong, but I think cherish might be a better word.

I think you should say something in the first paragraph about balance in your education and ALSO about balance in medicine. That would make a great theme.

Here is another part I don't like: perpetuate my family's commitment ...
You uphold a commitment. Perpetuate is not quite right. You can also MAINTAIN the family's commitment.

:-)

Good luck in your great process!!! You seem very intelligent and committed.

Scholarship / "to continue with my education" - scholarship opportunities. [5]

Let's not use this sentence:
As many high school students, my short term goal will be to graduate from high school. This is not worth saying. However, it is cool tro say you want to graduate with honors in order to open doors of opportunity for yourself in your chosen field. You should tell us about goals you developed while putting a lot of thought into your career interests.

Graduating will be the most important goal I will be able to accomplish. I will be the first to graduate from my family and I will become an example for my brother. nevermind this. Let's focus on your plan for the future, the work you want to do in your chosen field. Even if you are not sure, take a guess about what career you will select.

:-)

...part of the law enforcement sector. I'd like to study and become a criminologist or work with the FBI. ---Whenever you say something like this, it is best to read a few articles about the kind of career you are considering and get very specific about where you would like to work, the reform you would like to support, and even talk about current events associated with the field. Show that you are already reading and planning.

Graduate / Starting my essay for Physician's Assistant Program [5]

If you use a comma, making this a compound sentence, use the word "I" again:
When I was younger I attended a cancer survivors day, and I remember one particularly moving and motivating speech by a patient who was had been told he had only months to live. 10 Ten years later, here he was delivering a speech cancer free. He spoke about how before his encounter with cancer he took had taken life for granted.

The last sentence of this is very inspirational!

Undergraduate / "A research assistant at my lab" - App Extracurricular activity [6]

Let's add the word wage to the end of that first sentence, because the way some people might read it.. it will sound better that way, i think. But I'm not sure.

...was allowed to device devise experiments and co-author a research paper.

This is a strong essay! Great hook in the beginning, great eloquence at the end.

Undergraduate / My view on stereotyped beliefs; Amherst Supplement [3]


This is so impressive! I have heard that if you major in philosophy you become able to sit around and think deep thoughts about unemployment, ha ha! But the first class I wanted to take in college was philosophy, just like you.

This will be a little stronger if you add a short sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and in that sentence include the word stereotypes. That will plant the word in the reader's mind, and it will establish it as the theme of this short essay. I don't know how to explain why I think you need this sentence added to the end of the first paragraph, but give it a try and see if you like it!

:-)

Undergraduate / Each Ivy League is unique + To love math - Brown Supplemental Short Answers [5]

Hey, that combination of three things at the end of the first one is probably not the list of things you should use. You should list three resources, clubs, programs, etc all related to your goals. Also:

is also one of the few universities that has have the...

Let's also take the word 'had' out of the first line of each of these essays. Both will be better without that extra word. :-)

Undergraduate / My Girl Scouts Camp Experince and Its Challenges [4]


...to make it clearer.----For a long time I wrongly used 'more clear,' so I thought it would be good to take this opportunity to point out for you that it is "clearer."

That whole first paragraph is boring! I am not trying to be a jerk... but notice that the whole first paragraph is all stuff that the reader does not need to be told about. Sometimes it is good to look at an essay you have written and see where you find the first cool sentence. I think the first cool sentence is the one that starts the second paragraph:

The summer following my sophomore year, I was particularly excited to attend summer camp because I had become a Junior Counselor.

How do you feel about scrapping that first paragraph and starting with the second one?

Scholarship / The arts have always been in my life- Arts For Life [3]

For as long as I can remember, the arts have always been in my life. ---I think it is redundant to say 'for as long as I can remember' and also 'always.'

There was never a time where the arts weren't.

...anything dealing with the arts was my remedy. instead of 'dealing with' you could be precise, and you could even specify your kind of art in this sentence.

Whether it was writing stories, poems, songs or just drawing [badly at that].----It really will be better to get specific. Don't try to cover everything.

This essay gets better and better as I continue to read. I really like it! --->... just got my pen and paper and blocked the world as the ink flowed from the pen and onto the paper.

Wow, I am very impressed by the ending. I wish you would get more specific at the beginning.

Undergraduate / "My natural skills are science and math" - NCSSM ESSAY [4]

Put a comma after the word question to separate the dialogue:
...been asked the question, "What do you ...

I don't like that intro,. Anyone could talk about being asked that question, and anyone could say they wanted to be an astronaut, etc... it is common. But I really like this sentence:

I realized that my true natural skills (skills that easily "set" into one's mind) are science and math. ---That is where I become very interested. I wish those boring sentences did not precede this great sentence.

this is great, too:
Although I was younger than my peers, my natural skills helped me ...

This is not quite right... milestone is a good word, but not the way you used it here. You should change it to "score."... a milestone score I hope to improve even more.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Able to learn in and out of the classroom" - Penn supplement [4]

I'm impressed by the aspirations you are writing about here, but look at the first and last sentence of the essay. They are boring! You definitely should never start with a boring sentence. Make it so that if a reader reads only the first sentence or only the last sentence, she will be entertained because of the interesting idea.

As mentioned earlier, learning at Penn does not only have to happen in a classroom but can also happen outside of it too---This theme about inside and also outside the classroom is not good, because it is something you could say about any school. You should replace this theme with a theme that is associated with your aspirations described in the essay.

:-)

Research Papers / Project about water shortagein particular region - ideas for Research Project? [5]

Hey, the important thing is to find great articles about it. Even if people gave a lot of examples, you still would need some articles to cite.

If you start by writing, it will not have much meaning. You should start by READING and really try to explain, in a single paragraph, the main idea of one of the articles. Tell what the article is about.

Do that for 5 articles, and you will have a great paper. The trick is to write a paragraph about each article, and then go back to the beginning and write an introduction that ends in a thesis statement that is like an observation about all the articles.

I hope that helps! Let's see what articles you find!