Undergraduate / "to pave a sturdy road for me" - Babson Supplement--Dear Roomate [3]


Great choice of words here...

Hey, I think you nailed it.. this has great enthusiasm and energy... and most importantly, you show that you have a clear idea of where you are going and what you want to do. That scores a lot of points.

I don't like the last sentence, though... a sturdy road... not cool, and "whatever my aspirations will be" is definitely not cool. You already have aspirations.

That is my only complaint, though!
:-)

Undergraduate / "Cerebral high school science" - Stanford Essay Intellectual vitality [5]

However, for me, the significance and value of a theory always lies in its application, where it truly demonstrates its benefit.

---I like the first sentence of the essay a lot! It is sort of intriguing... but when I get to this sentence (above), I... I want to kill this sentence. It is too obvious. It has a lot of words, and they all amount to nothing. This is a bad, bad sentence. ;-) But the essay has some great energy to it... and you are clever to use interesting words like magically and harnessed... you are a good writer!!

Undergraduate / Leadership Program known as L.E.A.D - My why columbia essay. [4]

This leaves me wishing I had a hint about what that philosopher's influence did to shape your intention! What is he all about, and what has it got to do with you? You should get a theme from his work, and that will be so great for showing the reader that you have a well developed vision for the future... that you take inspiration from him, and that makes Columbia meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / Galileo, Newton, Einstein and Heisenberg - Why physics? [6]


The bridge between mathematics and nature... you are clever... I think this will impress the reader.

I think the most important factor for a
physicist is to choose the correct method to study nature. ----This is another part that is very impressive. An example will help.

I think you might enjoy the philosophy of Nikolai Berdyaev. He believed that material reality was like a dream, so anything is really possible. If consciousness came first, that means life is like a dream and anything is possible.

Undergraduate / "I dropped my university instead" - Personal application /taking risk/ [5]

You write beautifully...

...with the tear dropping along through my cheeks.

Whenever I heard this word these words, I felt his action as if not freeing the bird, having already grown with the ability to fly, but pretending, "it still can not fly."---I added a comma to this intriguing, poetic sentence. I just added a comma to separate the dialogue from the rest.

... spent 10 days without talking saying anything to each other.

I think this part is very clever, and I want to make a little improvement:
For me, it is the trust a kind of empowerment as big as which of a college acceptance letter.

You are great! :-)

Undergraduate / Watching sparks fly, something you do for the pleasure of it short question (MIT) [2]


hahahaha you are my hero...

Watching sparks fly, not exactly the right answer let me elaborate , when I was a child I used to play around with circuits and some times make wrong connections which makes some sparks. As I grew up I know play I played with cables and sometimes tweaked connections in my house.

I also play around with my brother's car connections.

When sparks fly I know that that the circuits are working and this gives me the joy because I know that it is alive with energy. ---beautiful!

It's like knowing that blood still pumps in somebody's body and he is alive. When I see that my circuit is alive this gives me great pleasure.

Perfect!! You have great imagery... when sparks fly!!

Undergraduate / FAMU: How has your family, culture, or environment influenced who you are? [3]

This sentence needs a verb:
From my mannerism to the way I interact with others.
You can add a verb like this:
The influence shapes my mannerism and the way I interact...

I believe it is a persons person's culture who define who they are.---Wow, I totally disagree. Culture is just the stuff leftover from last night's dinner.

It sounds like you have a great family, though!
:-)

Undergraduate / "How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse" HMC Supplement [9]


My sister said it obviously exists in your vocabulary since you just used it! But that is unimportant. You are cool. I havebeen looking forward to reading this because of the title.


This is awesome. The AO reader will definitely appreciate it. But is it correct to refer to them dying? they are undead, I thought.

Anyway, nevermind. This is great stuff. You are my hero.

Undergraduate / "The wind of Freedom blows" - Why Stanford? [6]

"wind of Freedom"You should capitalize that W.

It is this time of year where many eager students look forward to ending their -----I don't think this works really well as an intro. You have a lot of potential here, but this first sentence gets it off to a slow start.

:-)

I like this wind of freedom theme!

I don't know if alongside is the best word to use... you are going to become a part of Stanford, not alongside it...

Undergraduate / "Interest in business + Even Better" - University of Rochester two supplements [4]

...to explore my subjects of interest.----I changed this. I took out the apostrophe...

typo: fucntion

Rochester's Curriculum will help me to experience my interests before deciding what major I will study. ---Rather than ending this with a sentence about indecision, you could revise this sentence so that it lists 2 or 3 of your interests and leaves the reader thinking about how impressed they are about your wide range of interests.

Second essay:
Having been born in ...

Oh, I am so impressed with this one. It shows appreciation, respect, humility, honesty... very very good.

I kept practicing with the belief that hard works would pay off one day, and that day did come.

I had my first goal in America a month after the first impression I ma de on my teammates . Two weeks later, I even was had been in the starting line of my team to play against other schools . I learn a lesson that you should strive for your goal as much as you can, and your dedication will paid pay off.

:-)

Undergraduate / Engineering and intramural sports, extracurricular paths do you see yourself at Penn? [3]


This makes it sound like you were a school an an urban district.
Let's change As to At.

I will actively look for opportunities on Locust Walk and beyond. ----This does not actually accomplish anything. Use every sentence of the essay to support a theme that helps the reader appreciate how carefully you have planned your education. To say yo will actively look for opportunities.. etc... is not meaningful. At the end of the first paragraph, say something that will distinguish you.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Mass media have been influencing our daily lives from various aspects [4]

Moreover, it benefits us to review the materials over and over for the readers.

...comsume---typo

typo--hapening

typo--possibilty

... I tend to consider television to be most effective form of media in our lives.

Looking good!! Use a spell checker to avoid little errors.
:-)

Undergraduate / "Dissolving Stereotypes" - UChicago Supplement [5]

Let's to either this
were nothing but mere blotches
or this:
nothing but blotches
(I think nothing but means the same as mere, so... it is better to use only one or the other.)

is self awareness. ---It might be better as just awareness, not self-awareness.

You did a great job with this, very clever. You wrote this in a way that is really inspirational to read, and it is impressive that you were able to respond to their prompt so expertly.

It will be great if you give the whole thing some cohesiveness by using a key phrase at the beginning, middle, and end. I feel lost when I get to what seems like a new beginning when you start the paragraph, "During my junior..." so... some topic sentences and transition sentences will help a little. This is very good, though, tofuu!

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR CHANGING BRANCH - civil to COMPUTER SCIENCE [2]

...and when she receives , she would...
I don't understand this part.

Even today, I vividly remember my mother sending clothes for laundry, and when she receives , she would ask me to calculate the cost of laundry. ---I simplified this sentence. Do you think it will be okay this way?

Later, when I began to go for shopping, I used to write down the items to be bought, and the quantities, and after shopping, when I get got back, my mother would enquire about rates of each items item, and most of the time she would wonder...

In the school, we were made to ...

This is a very powerful sentence: It was giving out the products, and additions so quickly; I was beginning to jump with joy.----I added a semi-colon.

If I cannot could not solve the problems, I used to consult one of my neighbors who was a hardware engineer, and taking his suggestions, I used to repair the PC's of my friends.

Wow, I am so impressed with this essay:
My goal is very clear: I want to become a computer professional and serve my country with my knowledge and skills.

You know, if they do not accept you they must be very foolish. Any school will be lucky to have you. Practice to improve your use of the PAST VERB TENSE when you write in English.

:-)

Undergraduate / "What is good about being a teacher?" - Extracurricular Activity [7]

First, I felt disappointed when students make made some silly mistakes.

"How can a Pre Calculus student draws draw the secant function wrong? " I thought.

... now changed to a happy and relax time after hours of working in classes. I finally realize realized that the happiness of the teaching job is to see the students' progress thanks to the care of a teacher.---awesome! Correct those small errors, and it will be great.

Do this, too:
From then, ...
From then on, ...

Undergraduate / "Location, technology and business" - Bentley -your interest in Bentley University [5]

Beside its well known (not necessary or helpful) reputation as one of the ...

...a unique school with its focus in technology to serve as a main tool for business study...this does not really say much of anything. All schools use technology.

Typo: distractionn

Capitalize Internet.

I think that Bentley's method of combining ...

I think you should talk more about how their innovative use of technology is helpful for someone with your specific short term goals. Also, I think it is not helpful to talk about location. You could sum that location paragraph up in a single, brief sentence. So... concentrate on a theme that shows the way the school's uniqueness is compatible with YOUR uniqueness. Your unique intentions for the near future.

:-)

Undergraduate / CU Boulder: "Unique Essay" [2]


The intro is most important, so it should be written last, after the body paragraphs, so that it will have inspiration and clarity that occur after you are in that deep state of mind that happens after you have gotten started writing.

Two years ago if you asked me what made me unique, I wouldn't have had a clue. ---I wonder what purpose this sentence is supposed to serve. It is not very helpful!

My early years of high school saw an unmotivated, boring student. ---not helpful!

The only part I like is the last word: aspirations. I want you to tell the reader about what you are passionate about, because passion for some purpose is what compels people to be inclusive and embrace diversity. We only isolate ourselves from others when we are not passionate enough about anything... but if you truly have passion for your purpose, your short term goals, then you will be able to write about the way your passion leads to an attitude of inclusion and appreciation for diversity. Tell about what you want to DO in these next few years, and see if that shows them a contribution you can make to their diverse community.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Haemangiomas" - evaluating a significant experience and its impact on you [3]


You have such an artful way of writing... when I got to this sentence I thought I had finally found something to criticize, but you even used 'interestingly inspiring' in a great, clever way. I would never have dared to try to write those 2 words together.

You have great efficiency and elegence in the way you introduce the reader to this piece of writing.

Hence, that summer I did an internship at the National Rural Support Programme. ---I think before you get to this part, you should give a thesis statement and end the first paragraph. You were doing very well keeping a tight, intriguing theme when you were talking about that pain, and it is important to have that theme reflected in the thesis statement at the end of the first para. I think you should not talk about the internship until paragraph 2.

Here is a place where I see a comma that is supposed to be a period:
are the greatest source of inspiration for me, These guys ...

Not to mention I have this really huge cool scar on my thigh.----hahahah you are great. I just think you need one strong theme to anchor all these parts of the essay. You need it to be about one thing even though it is about many things.

:-)

Research Papers / HRM: what is the best topic to make a research project? [5]


Well, you will have to specify what you mean by work-life balance. Are there any existing studies that use this term? If so, write about them to help the reader understand your theme.

Is this limited to a particular industry?

This sounds like it will probably be an exploratory study, maybe using grounded theory with data from interviews. That would be cool! But you should focus on something that is an urgent need, some pressing matter, some problem you can help solve.

Google this: grounded theory constant comparison interview categories

Essays / Indian classical dancing, Tae Kwon Do, swimming, and tennis, Im applying to NCSSM [4]


This sentence is uninteresting. Writing well is only half the challenge. You need to catch the reader's interest.

You should write two instead of 2
... two 2 hours in front of an audience. I have been learning Tae Kwon Do since I was 5 five as well.

You have some great accomplishments here! I'm afraid it seems like a list, though. I think you should take out the long sentences and just mention getting the second black belt, mention the other activities, but do so briefly, and discuss all of it as a way of expressing a theme that makes the essay interesting. Go back to that boring first sentence, and change it so that it expresses a theme that will make the essay memorable. Then, instead of listing all the achievements, talk about them as examples to demonstrate the theme you are sharing.

:-)

Graduate / "an analogy to Product Lifecycle Management" - my sop for industrial engineering [4]


I think the word triggers is wrong, because triggers do not give direction. How about using the word "clues"...

And how about writing 'correct path to tread..."


All this stuff is too general to be meaningful. It cannot affect the reader in any signinficant way, because it does not actually say anything specific that could not be said about a dozen other schools.

However, by the time I get to that sentence I almost do not even notice that it is a weak sentence, because I am so impressed with the way you carried me along through your story. You wrote very clearly and intelligently, and you absolutely do impress the reader as a serious student, already very knowledgeable, and definitely worthy of every opportunity. I think this is going to be a winner!

Undergraduate / Salutary Neglect- my common app essay [2]

I don't like, " to live life through fresh eyes."You can use "with" maybe, but not "through." Or you could write, "See life through fresh eyes..." but anyway, that whole thing about fresh eyes is a cliche. I think later today you will suddenly think of a brilliant way to express the same idea, perhaps with the use of a metaphor that has something to do with colonies or colonialism.

embrace a new self, to strive for my own dreams. ----This is too vague.. you can sharpen it up with some mention of your aspiration (i.e. the one that motivates you to take up a particular field of study in college.)

I was neglected due to my outstanding achievements.---This seems hard to believe, and it seems very self-aggrandizing. Self-aggrandizement is hard to avoid in this kind of essay, but... to say you were neglected due to outstanding achievements seems melodramatic.

I realized I was an addict to my own vanity.---this is the good sentence. it has to be changed because it is worded incorrectly (vanity is not what one is addicted to, but I know what you mean). My idea for you: Express this humble idea, and take out any sentence that seems to place responsibility on parents. It's okay to say you were thinking the wrong way in the past, but don't write anything in a way that makes the reader think you are thinking wrong in the present.

I see how you did some great reflection, and you have a great message about the lessons you learned, but I want to warn you that in the middle of the essay you worded some things in ways that make it seems like you still have that vanity. It's just a matter of wording it differently...

:-)

Undergraduate / My interest in the facet of sociology in novels of manners -Sarah Lawrence supplement [3]


This essay is very impressive, but right here it is a little unnecessarily wordy. You should probably at least take out the word 'casual.'

Actually, I would like to get rid of this and just keep the brilliant second half of this sentence:
Being a casual observer as well as a participant in the social scene, I saw the initial liquidity of...---That is some very good stuff... I mean the crystallization into cliques, very smart...

Okay, one more complaint: The ending does not leave the reader thinking about a particular theme... the beginning and end of the essay should both express the same great, thoughtful theme. You already have it; you just have to capture it in a sentence at the beginning and end of the essay. And at the end, add something "extra," some additional thought for the reader to begin to explore, related to that main idea. But the important thing is for you to make it so that if anyone asks the reader what the essay was about the reader can easily answer with a sentence that tells about an intriguing idea that is the theme of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Engineering program: CMU- Why your major and why Carnegie Mellon [2]

You have a cool username!

You are doing a great job with this, but you got into the body of the essay too quickly without giving a full introduction.


Ha ha, well, I could fit any amount of text on a page if I reduced the font size enough! If they say a page, they mean about 300-350 words. So... I think it is cheating if you reduce the font size!! But then again, how important is the page limit? I guess it is important enough that you should try to get under 350 words, because if you write a lot more than you are supposed to they will fear that your failure to follow directions gives you an unfair advantage over other applicants...

The good news is that eliminating words always improves writing:
My decision to apply to the m Mechanical engineering program at the Carnegie Institute of Technology stems from the fact that engineering unites all of my major interests. (Now I think you should give 2 or 3 more sentences in the first paragraph to express the main idea of the essay, the inspirational idea that makes you want to write an essay. What is the theme? End the first paragraph with a thesis statement.

Paragraph 2:
My enthusiasm for science was evident at an ...

In the first and last para of this essay, you should express a theme that shows how meaningful it can be to combine science, mathematics, and art. They combine to form your way of looking at the world. Express that theme, and then go through the essay and eliminate unnecessary words and sentences... when you are focused on a theme, it is easy to find content that can be eliminated. Think of the experience of reading this essay... what feeling do you want it to convey?

Undergraduate / "My interest in physics and mathematics" - Why Carnegie Mellon and your major? [4]


Not specific enough. You already are a physics researcher. Your goal consists of more than this, and in your studies you probably have found some direction... some special area of interest.

providing me with the research experience I need to become a physics researcher.---Yeah, you are not thinking big enough. Anyone can be a researcher, but a special person is proactive in research, develops several specific interests, and has some very interesting short term goals.

Try to identify one theme that you keep from beginning to end of the essay. :-)

Undergraduate / Grinnell College's moniker replacement [3]

symbolized by the nickname 'Pioneers.' ---Nicknames don't symbolize; they name. Symbols symbolize... so... a different verb will be better. For example... "associated with" could work.

If the College were to retire the 'Pioneers' moniker, what would you recommend to replace it? ---Oh! Ha ha haha, I was correcting the prompt, not the essay. My bad. Well, you should tell the AO office that symbols symbolize, and names name. :-)

Less is more:
Pioneers are often some of the bravest and most adventurous people. They are the first of the first to go and explore places where no man one has ever gone before.

Social activism and standing up for what is right before anyone else dares to is are also a big part of Grinnell.

The new nickname would need to be able to express all these incredible qualities that Grinnell possesses. It is an extremely difficult task to come up with name with such a powerful meaning, but with everything that Grinnell m eans in my mind I think of the name 'Spearheads.'

Missing a word here: To spearhead means to serve as...

:-)

Graduate / Academic background and career strategy SOP: Computer Science [5]


This uses a lot of words to express something very simple. You can use half the number of words and add a whole new dimension to the sentence. Know what I mean? Revise this important first sentence so that it expresses an interesting idea.

Hey, as I continue to read I see that this is very impressive. My only complaint is that the sentence above is sort of empty of meaning. You should use that intro to try to really make the reader understand your outlook on this field you are entering. Inspire the reader.

forth fourth and the last year ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Divine Treasures on A Soccer Field - Common App Personal Essay [2]


When I get to this sentence, I think you are using too many sentences and not being efficient enough. You can take this sentence out, and the paragraph will be better. The personality you express is really cool, but I think modern readers are just too impatient to tolerate long paragraphs. So you should see if there are sentences you can remove.

As a supporter, I was very proud. Furthermore, I learned a lot of lessons.---This sentence is too vague.

It was not about the techniques or how the match was going; it was so much about respect and being supportive, values that embodied the world of sport. -------- this sounds like, "it's not whether you win or lose; it's how you play the game. I think it seems too simple, but if you dig deeper and express a subtler, more unusual concept in this sentence, it will improve the whole essay.

They might do all this to be trendy, jumping on the bandwagon, but nobody cared. ---You have a great writing style. Even though I offered some criticism here, do not take it too seriously. The essay is already great, and any intelligent reader will be able to appreciate it!!! :-)

Writing Feedback / Describing Bordeaux - France; especially known for its wine [5]

I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was very smart. :-)
Here is a typo: therefore it's wammer

Why so much talk about temperature? You should be trying to give the reader a powerful experience, a feeling of inspiration because they are surprised at how much thought you have invested in your goal setting and vision for the future.

This looks like another typo:
Catching bus to go to the suburbs,J see ...----maybe it is just a result of the way the text looks when you paste it into this post?

This is some great description! You write very well, but I think you should be strategic and purposeful in the subject matter you choose to cover.

Oh... I'm sorry, I was thinking this was an admission essay for college. :-) My mistake! I see that this is just supposed to be descriptive. You described the atmosphere very well. You are not an English language learner anymore! You write with proficiency already. Let's see some more of your writing! I'm glad you joined EssayForum.

Undergraduate / Barack O'bama is doing nothing for the Americans- Influential Intellectual Experience [6]

Obama is not an Irish name. Using an O and an apostrophe is something you see in Irish names, not Kenyan names. In order to have credibility it is very important to avoid putting an apostrophe after an O in a non-Irish name.


Above is a typo.

I don't like the examples in the beginning. Taxes on bottles are good, because we are trying to protect the environment... so if you mention arguments against it, you have to make a good argument of your own or you will be undermining your message to the reader.

Here is another sentence I don't like: Unlike adults, we see the world in a different and innovative perspective. ---Some adults are innovative. You should just reword this sentence.

I think this is really thoughtful! I only want to give those criticisms above to help you avoid making statements that undermine your argument. If you make a big generalization, or if you make a claim but provide no evidence, it is incomplete. Focus on your theme.

:-)

Research Papers / ROLE OF AMERICAN POP-CULTURE (MASS MEDIA) IN AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY IMPLEMENTATION [4]


These terms are very broad. You will have to find specific examples of connections between specific media and specific policy decisions. If this was my project, I would try to focus on a particular kind of media and a particular area of foreign policy. That is how to make it really intense and meaningful.

best implemented with the... ---"best" is very vague. This statement sounds really vague. Also, it is wordy and unnecessary to talk about the Bush and Obama administrations. Why not just say, "21st century" because that is really what you are covering.

Take out as many words as possible, and narrow the focus as much as possible.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my intended Biochemistry major and languages" Boston University Short Answer [5]

Hi stephanie, have I told you I think your username is really cool. It brightens my day when I see it.

In my search for a university, I desired not only to find a place specific programs that would suit my interests of study but also one with a broad range of opinions, places, and opportunities that I could explore.

In my lifetime, I have already traveled to twenty-three countries which has strengthened my inner passion for open-mindedness and diversity. ---You know, I think this is a weak statement. I guess I think it does not convey what you want it to convey. Maybe you can replace it with a sentence about your career interests.

The first step was location: Where else but a student- friendly city like Boston would I find a place that offers internships and community service projects that I covet?--I think covet is a weird word to use, and I think this sentence should reference particular types of internships. Reinforce to the reader that you have invested a lot of thought in your goals.

The next step was finding the college that would fit me best: I was immediately struck by Boston University's ability to integrate itself into the surrounding city with the XXXXX program, and the YYYY (i.e. examples).

especially the Dresden Internship Program ---good example...

Biochemistry major as well as my love for learning new language --- this is what you should write more about.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Jeffrey Sachs" - Why Columbia Supplement [6]

...watching a video today . The lights were turned off and Frontline: Commanding Heights turned on.---The word today is not quite right, grammatically, so it is better to get rid of it.

As some of my peers fell into a comfortable sleep, I watched intently as some of the world's most influential women and men weaved ...----Let's reverse the order to make up for centuries of putting men first.

When I get to, "move on to be director of..." it makes me stop paying attention. I think that part of the essay has to be replaced with a sentence that tells the reader about the story and its theme. People love stories, and this part of the essay is like a story. Just use the opportunity at the end of that paragraph to express to the reader that the story of your experience with Sachs' work shows XXXXXX.

XXXXX= the main idea of the whole essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I improved my cricket game" - JHU Short Answer Supplement Essay [5]


When I get to this point in the essay, I am feeling really impressed that you were able to maintain the intensity and power for so many sentences in a row. This is great stuff, but I can only appreciate that because I am a writer, like you. Non-guitarists often cannot appreciate Possessed by Paul James, and non-writers may not be able to appreciate this. I am tempted to suggest giving a paragraph about other activities, especially ones that reinforce your message that you are serious about particular goals, but this writing is so good... I hesitate to recommend any change.

Graduate / Environmental science / computer science -SOP for MS in Computers Science Application [2]

I'll edit below, and you should practice typing sentences correctly. Practice each sentence 10 times, and you will learn the correct grammar.

Curiosity and abstract thinking are the most fascinating drivers that encourage me to choose Computer Science as my career. This interest underlies my objectives and motivation to pursue the graduate program in Computer Science at the San Jose State University.

My major is in environmental...

For this reason, I think it deserves me my whole life to of learning and research.

In 2004 summer vocation vacation after my sophomore year, I had chance to join an academic program about computer science minor that was open to top students who were interested in other majors each department .

In 2010 year , I enrolled into Butte College for learning computer science.

:-)

Undergraduate / Academic Decathlon - CommonApp Extracurricular Short Answer [6]

Don't underline titles; italicize. Underlining is a method from prehistoric times prior to word processing.

Hey, maybe you know a word that I do not know, but... I think it is pouring, right?

poring over thick information packets about many different subjects including economics and music. I recognized that no piece of knowledge was inconsequential, that even the tiniest details were worth understanding. The end result was a sizable collection of medals, an appreciation of all academic disciplines, and a more thorough way of observing the world.

Undergraduate / "My passion for guitar" - activities essay [5]

It was Marieta that awoke in me that love. Marieta is a classical guitar piece composed by Francisco Tárrega. When I was ten, I learned that piece during my lessons at ...

I revised this the way I would like to have it... there is no reason to personify the piece with "who." The coolness is that the reader will personify it for a moment. Try it this way that I edited it above! :-) I like guitarists; check out possessed by paul james, my hero.

Scholarship / "All of the great leaders" - quote essay for Vandy's chancellors scholarship [3]


Wow, this is really excellent. Thanks so much for sharing it.

the first thing to do is appreciate it. Can you? Is this what leadership really is? What is it that this tells us about the nature of leadership? It can be many things, but it always includes this.

The most important thing to do is understand the quote deeply, and yes, apply it to your envisioned process for the future. How does this apply to the leadership situations that go with your plan?

:-)

Undergraduate / "the tools I need to make myself better" - What draws you to Northwestern? [3]

The first thing that drew me to Northwestern was location, but weather and climate have always seemed like tertiary and petty reasons to attend a school, to me, and so I've chosen to throw them aside in order to make the best choices for receiving the education I think I deserve.

I revised this to make it more efficient, but actually I still sort of think this is not working as an intro. Why mention location and weather at all?

But Evanston appeals to me for deeper reasons, it's where my father is from. ---This is a kind of run on sentence called a comma splice.

Here, I found it.... this is it! Evanston is a romanticized link to the past for me, and this is the first reason I want to attend Northwestern. ----This should be the first sentence of the essay, I think, Ben. :-)

Then, you can give some explanation, and then end the first paragraph with a sentence that captures the main idea of the essay, which MUST be focused on your main goal fur the near future (not just to get a particular kind of degree, but to get a particular kind of degree as a means to a specific end that is part of the theme of the essay.)

Student Talk / HARVARD and JHU Supplement - general? What's the difference? [3]

I don't understand the first question, but the word "general" scares me. Don't do anything general. General is not interesting or inspirational. This is an age of specialization! Moreover, people who are very passionate about something naturally form detailed visions of the future.