Scholarship / "International Relationship in Technological University" - an exchange program. [2]

When you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
I am doing well in my studies, and all my grades are good.

This shows that I am doing my best to work hard towards my goals and that I will be an excellence student ready for a career.

I am willing to participate in whatever programs and activities are required by my university to make the...

My career goal is to attain a career where I can express what I have learned from this university and use my passion in this field the field of economics.

After thinking about many other universities, I have...

... want to find a job in a bank.

In addition, as we all know, in almost every county of the world people speak the English language; English language became the world's international language.

I will do my best to build the bridge of everlasting friendship of nations. ---You wrote this sentence very well!

My purpose is promoting peace in the world. ---I think you should give some examples of how you can promote peace as an economist. :-)

Graduate / EE SOP for UW, Electric Machines and Power Electronics Consortium [3]

Steve Jobs told tells us to never stop exploring the new world of (the world of what?). I think you should make it say "world of XXXXX"

In retrospect, I perceive that life is as a process of conscious evolution.

You have an extra period here:
to take challenges. .

In my undergraduate stage, the... and so on. When the correct I-V curve was obtained, I knew that I was on my way to designing a novel device.

I realized that I was on my way to designing a marvel circuit system.

Let's write three instead of 3:
After 3 three month's hard work, I finished

Maybe this sentence is supposed to refer to "by my analysis"?? ---> The results, verified by my analysis, were published in MR, in press, entitled "Study of current saturation behaviors in dual direction SCR for ESD applications."

comma: Their areas of work are fascinated to me, and ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "basic money management" as a mandatory class" - Lehigh Supplemental Question 2 [3]

Whenever you start a sentence with "I believe" try looking at the sentence without those words and see if it is stronger:

I believe that t The most valuable knowledge gained in the classroom is the knowledge that can be applied to everyday life. Two days ago was Black Friday, a day where when people spend their money thoughtlessly. Although the sales are very good, many....

In a society where money has become increasingly important and essential to living, I believe that people should have a basic understanding of how to manage their money. ----Right here, end the paragraph. Don't give the reader too much info all at once.

New paragraph:
If people were better at managing their...

I totally agree with you! And when you have to pay taxes it is SO complicated, that should be taught in school, too. Many of us just have to trust our accountants...

:-)

Undergraduate / What Reaching the Top of Four Classes Taught Me - UC Essay Prompt #2 [2]

... at least a 4.0 G.P.A. ---Wow, high standards!

Too many words in this sentence:
...developed a genuine interest to pay attention to in details in a variety of aspects, according to of each class.

Same thing here...below when your sentence is long, try to get rid of some words. Don't let the reader's attention be so taxed that she cannot get the feeling your writing is supposed to convey.

Because I won these awards, I am now a risk taker and have a stronger drive to delve into both academic and social areas that in which I may not be fully proficient, such as politics and supporting a friend who is having problems with his or her own peers or family.

You seem like a great person! For you, I recommend Dream and Reality by Berdyaev.
:-)

Undergraduate / Pollution for my kids, UT AUSTIN PROMPT B- an issue of importance [2]

No need for the comma in that last sentence of the first paragraph.
Also, you should replace "it" in that last sentence of the first paragraph with a word that is more specific and interesting.

Capitalize "Why" because it is the first word of a sentence you are quoting yourself saying.

Animals are losing their habitats; we are literally destroying their homes for our "big business."---This sentence seems naive and simplistic... It is obvious, so it does not need to be stated... instead go beyond the obvious and express a unique perspective.

Most of the cars we drive are also major factors of air pollution. ---Again, too simplistic.

I like your writing style a lot, but the essay needs to dig deeper. You can cite some recent articles, for example. I'm sorry to be critical! It is definitely a great essay, but not in the sense that it introduces a new idea. This just expounds something we all know.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the good of my community and the Chilean people" - personal, local, national issue [2]

I hold held on to the first person I caught, whom I later realized learned it was my brother.

...just wait the 3 long minutes it lasted.--Here at the end of the first paragraph, I think the essay is going to be all description and wish you would express a theme.

... of living in a destructed world of anguish and chaos was like living in one of those apocalyptic movies.

You write so well! I have to say, though, that the word impregnated seems weird at the end. And like I said before, I wish you would express a THEME in the introduction so that the story will all be supporting the theme.

Great job! Seriously...

Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / "an obsession with perfection" - UT ESSAY SETBACK/CHALLENGE/OPPORTUNITY [2]

At the end of the first paragraph, I reflect on the main idea I see: I will turn a project into a masterpiece.

But then the topic sentence for paragraph two seems out of place... like a random thing to say. You need a transition...
...give me a project. and it will become perfection.

If someone asked me to define the word perfection, I am not sure ...

I think they are looking for a story about an event that occurred. I'm sorry; I think this is not going to be very competitive because it is about an abstract concept instead of an event. I might be wrong, though!

BTW perfectionism is neurosis sometimes! In some situations, perfection is not as important as timing.

Undergraduate / "Military service, volunteering, hospital" - essay for wisconsin [2]

At that time, I would like to be a CEO, because the job looks looked like a meaningful goal to pursue. nice . In fact, I didn't only decide my dream; I also knew my aptitude.

In my university years, I used to regret following my parent's parents' idea.

I thought make making her smile was my only job that I could help her, and I did my best to put a smile on her face by encouraging to her.

After I heard her saying that, I was happy that I could make someone happy by doing volunteer work.

You seem like an excellent person!!

:o)

Undergraduate / "To be better acquainted with economic and finance" - UC Prompt 1 (Business Economic) [2]

Never write "has showed."
It is shown. But it is even better to bring it to the present tense:
Looking back into my younger days has showed shows me the important role my parents had played in my life.

Apostrophe: Back then, I would never have realized my parents' significance in my life, but growing up had allowed me to ...

My parents rarely had time to spare for my brother and me, as they are fixated on earning money to support their children as well as other relatives in need of financial support. ---rarely had time to relax with my brother and me... (time spent earning is time spent for you... so don't write it as though they had "no time to spare for you"... I know what you mean, but there is a subtle difference).

Capitalize Internet

...through materialistic satisfaction but there are were times they would bare naked and pure openly express love for us.

Me Still a kindergartener, I felt t hat my own parents have had to be the coolest to have ever existed and inspires to be just like them.

... follow in the footsteps of my parents made me decide to major in Business Economics .

:-)

Undergraduate / "My world after joining American Cancer Society" - Personal Statement [2]

Living in a new different environment , whether it is good or bad, will always show

Hoping I hope that one day I shall develop a new type of cure for other cancers and as well as for breast cancer.---If you say this, you should prove your seriousness by writing a few sentences about the most recent advancements and innovations in cancer research. You'll have to read some article about it.

Use paragraphs! It's important to decide how many ideas you want to convey and use ONE PARAGRAPH FOR EACH IDEA. This essay should be at least three paragraphs. Make each paragraph start with a topic sentence.

(Google the words "paragraph" and "topic sentence")

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Ol' Man, my Dad" - UT Topic A: important person [2]

...know then how blessed we are to have a dad like him. (Add a sentence that conveys the main message of the essay)

Above, that is how to improve the structure. Just add a sentence that reflects the meaning of all the rest. Let the first paragraph end with that powerful sentence, the soul of the essay.

Check the first sentence of every body paragraph. Can you make any changes to make it so that they support the main theme as well as they can? Pretend the reader can only read the first sentence of every paragraph.

Your grammar is excellent! Why do you think you need help?

Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

I hope you let lots of people in your family see this essay, because from what I now know of your father he deserves to have people see this. And your appreciation is impressive!

Undergraduate / "To hone my skills in the art making process, Art Major" - UC transfer [4]

How can you be good at visual art and also be such a good writer! You certainly write better than I did when I was an undergrad, yet I always thought the reason I was bad at art was because all my intelligence was for writing. I guess you proved me wrong...

As a soft spoken individual, art
As a soft-spoken individual, I....
As a soft-spoken and thoughtful individual, I appreciate the way art has provided me with a

Use a comma for a compound sentence: It's something I think about constantly, and ...

I was going to suggest talking more about why this school is the good choice, how it will help you achieve your specific goals, but the prompt does not ask for that. I think you answered the prompt very well, and it seems sincere.

Graduate / Computer Science and Math, reason for choosing this master track, goals - Munich [4]

...participated in most of the major Computer Science and Mathematics competitions I have known accessible to me.

comma: Here I work together with the best software developers in the country, and I have been involved in two projects: [Proj. 1] and [Proj. 2]

Alongside my academic goals, my education and my work, I am an active person and I appreciate social activities and interacting with people very much. ----This sentence is professionally and efficiently written just like the rest of the essay, but it is very plain and uninteresting. I think you can replace it with a sentence that really expresses your own idea about the activities.

comma: I also enjoy music, and in my spare time (music is art, and art is not something to be done in spare time. Time spent acting on inspiration is time that cannot be spared.) I play the piano and the guitar.

You wrote this very well. I think you should feel confident, and I hope you have a lot of success!!

Undergraduate / "I come from the world of despair, love, and hope" - UC Prompt #1 [2]

I have to get rid of the first 2 adjectives because they do not really make sense in the sentence:
My premature world was precipitated and determined (You should replace these with 1 good adjective that tells what you really mean) ever since ...

... entirely formed over those years of separation, during which I was devastated by despair, rejuvenated by love, and reinforced by hope.---brilliant sentence!

That last paragraph seems too short. I wish you would write more about your specific goals... the skills you want to learn and the kind of work you want to do. Be specific.

I have been told since little I was little that...

You write very well!! I hope you visit essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Volunteering with the homeless during gap year" : Common App Personal Essay [2]

Do you know about the writing concept of active-rather-than-passive voice? I don't know why it makes writing better, but it does:

A year later, while still engaged in volunteerism, I was enveloped by a sense of restlessness enveloped me.
Seeing the success Raphael obtained, by Rafael, I could only think back to Nestor and hope that he too conquered his addictions.
I switched to "active voice."

Use a hyphen: Most drug addicted beggars are unlike Rafael: they don't free themselves of the debilitating prison that is addiction. ---it would be good to cite research evidence so that this does not seem like an unfair generalization. No big deal, though.

Spelling, typo: want our assitance assistance, but

Undergraduate / "To be a Leader; the National Youth Leadership Forum" UC prompt #2 [2]

...I had no idea what I was in store for.
....I had no idea what was in store for me.
Either version above is okay, but neither is great. I think you should do this:
...I had no idea what awaited me. (Now add a short sentence that hints at what the essay is about.)

Capitalize:
...a crisis in the middle eas Middle East. The simulation tested my individual skills to communicate, lead, to ...

... turned to chaos .

I couldn 't lead my..

You should talk more about your goals for the near future, because that is what will inspire them to accept you into the school.
:-)

Undergraduate / Determination; I have lived in many places - influence of family, school, dreams [2]

I have been alive for seventeen interesting years, and I can gladly say that I continue to live a very interesting life because of my surroundings and experiences.

comma: My grandfather was in the army , and he taught me many things (replace this with a better word) about life.

comma: He is a big inspiration to me, and so is my mother, who has gone through many obstacles such as anemia and nerve problems but still works part-time since my dad is unemployed.

Their determination and encouragement keeps keep me determined (choose a synonym, because "determine" appears twice in this sentence awkwardly).

My family is living paycheck by paycheck right now, but I know that one day the hard work will pay off because my family believes in me.---Awesome, it is great that you are so conscientious about money. It is so hard to earn enough money!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about proving that experience is greater than books. - Feedback [2]


We try to use gender-inclusive sentences, here, so if you are going to address sirs address madams, too! :-)

Welcome to EssayForum!

A book contains experience of an author who wrote it, and it helps people to learn. too obvious... gets the essay off to a weak start...

Books are simple and interesting inventions. ---I like this, though! The way you worded it makes it intriguing.

Just by reading them and taking time to assess the teachings of books helps people, and people

.. people need to march frontline in order ...---hahah I like the way you write...

... By applying the knowledges knowledge written in books, people learn whether or not the methods and beliefs suit their own thoughts and beliefs.

At the end of the first paragraph, I think you should say: Experience is fundamental, and people cannot be authors without experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I became proud of being Turkish" - Michigan State - Diversity Essay [2]


You should use paragraphs when you write. End the first paragraph after this sentence.

I had butterflies in my stomach the whole way, and after a long 10 ten-hour flight we finally arrived.

I looked around at all the people; that's when I felt I finally belonged somewhere.

... I became proud of being Turkish. (end the paragraph here).

I came back to America telling people...

You write well, but it is important to avoid run-on sentences: Nothing will get in my way of working with others, and I will make sure to succeed and will go past any obstacle that comes in my way.

You can use a conjunction or a semi-colon to fix any run-on sentence. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Forget How to Remember" - College Essay Idea Rough Draft [2]

...began to stir up a wind every time they passed me. It was a wind so strong, it lifted me up and brings me back to a time much simpler than this.

I never learned how to ride a bike, so I envy those who make sport of the activity. ----wow, there is something excellent about this sentence. Very good.

Also, if you want to ride a bike, just do it. As an adult, you can figure it out easily! :-)

Oh... now I see that this is poetry.Poetry disguised as an essay.

This is so good, perhaps the best thing anyone has ever written. ;-) I like everything about it. I only hope it is right for the essay prompt they give you on the application. I hope you keep writing!!

Undergraduate / Essay on saving my parents' marriage - feedback [2]

...immediately see saw myself in the situation where my classmates would laugh out loud towards the...

...pay a price of not when I found that I was qualified to...

Like every married couples couple, my parents have experienced their ups and downs throughout

Just like I expected our conversation only lasted less than 5 five minutes because my mom does did not want to listen to what I have had to say. anymore .

Her reason was that it happened to be a graveyard shift, which means it is too dangerous for my dad's age to be ...

... because I accomplished something significant by making my parents realize how important it is to continue giving each other moral support during our family hardships. ---That is excellent, but they still might get divorced. If that happens, don't blame yourself and don't worry, because EVERYONE I know is divorced... it is pretty normal these days! :-) I think the theme of the essay is very impressive.

Essays / Commercialization of the Holidays... where else I could go with this topic? [3]

Why is it interesting to talk about holidays being used to sell products?

If you are a Christian, you probably do not like to see Christmas being commercialized.
If you are struggling in a bad economy, you might be feeling pressure because of the expectation that you will spend money on the holidays.

Actually, if you search an article database you will find a lot of articles about this. You can write a paragraph about the main idea of each article you read, and write an intro paragraph later.

:-)

Undergraduate / Being a Filipino Folk Dancer - UC Prompt #2 [2]

I had a dance solo in the beginning of my dance. ---can you reword this sentence so that it includes dance only once?

I like this: hidden boldness and confidence...

At the age of seven, I joined my first ...every Sunday for the next eight years. ---I think this section might be a little too long, and it might be better to omit a sentence or two in order to get the focus of the essay back to present times more quickly.

During those eight years, I only thought of it as ways a way to keep me busy on Sundays and to satisfy my parents.

That show would have been boring without me." ----awesome sentence...

I started to now apply confidence in all that I do, whether it is ...

I never thought I would, but I did.---Great ending. Your writing has something excellent about it. I hope you start blogging or writing stories or something...

:-)

Undergraduate / Back and Forth, Tennis Tournament - Hillary, Most infuential person [2]

You did a great job with this essay; I love the description and the theme. However, the theme could be more meaningful if you dig a little deeper. You have a great way with words, but the theme you express could be taken to the net level of analysis. How does giving something your all cause the emotion of happiness? Figure out the underlying truth.

And I'll make some changes here, too:
It took me a w hile to realize why she was smiling: but then I realized it was because she gave had given the match her all.

:-)

Undergraduate / Pantomime experience in front of 100+ ex-prisoners: UC prompt #2 [2]

Use a hyphen: nerve-wracking

I thought my mission to teach these people of the lesson in this pantomime was had been a failure, but I remembered from scripture that , "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." This pantomime was a symbol of my work that I needed to complete at all costs, and as I ...

He who writes a compound sentence should use a comma before the conjunction:
People who were once lost in this world were now found optimistic through this pantomime that reassured their past is of the past, and ...

This essay has some great energy. It lacks clarity, though, because you leave out a lot of details so that the reader has to wonder... I think a well placed sentence of explanation at the end of one or two of the paragraphs will help the reader follow what is happening.

:-)

Undergraduate / Philosophical Latin words that have shown through in my life "Vires, Artes, Mores" [2]

You did a great job.

I don't think you should define the words in the TOPIC SENTENCES for the paragraphs.
I think you should also get rid of the word "that" whenever you can:
I hope that -my experience shows them that even when something might seem like it has ended there is always an alternative.

My biggest criticism is that the first sentence of each paragraph is uneventful and boring. What I mean is that those sentences do not help to give the reader an idea about what to think of you. I wish the first sentence of each paragraph would express an idea you want the reader to remember about you.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Some want independence and some prefer to live with thier families ,which you prefer? [2]

You should practice typinf each of these sentences 10 times so that you remember the correct grammar:

Nowadays from younger to older everyone wants to be independent.

People think only of the benefits of independence, such as freedom, without thinking of its disadvantages.

If I would could have a choice, I would prefer to stay with my families family.

As an example, when I suffered physical illness, my family took care of me. Even Also, in my hard times they supported economically.

We can avoid many mistakes associated with drugs and disaster by staying with family.

Though there are some disadvantages, such as a loss of freedom, bossing from family members, and interference or burden, but we can solve these problems with discussion and giving space to each other.----If you use "though" you do not need to use "but"...jut use one or the other.

:-)

Undergraduate / Chicas and the importance of youth sports for girls - Issue of Importance essay [2]

I'm sorry you got no responses until after your deadline!

For what it's worth, I'll give some ideas here...

I like to use a dash when commas seem to be getting redundnat:

Chica, whose real name is Caitlin, is a year older than me, she is quiet, easily embarrassed, and religious -- most things I am not.

A chica is defined by their her? acceptance.

If this is supposed to be about "chicas" (plural) the apostrophe should go after the s:
Found between the beating of cleats and the thudding of sneakers, shrouded in sweat and dirt, chica's chicas' wind their...---but it is tough, because it is a Spanish word! :-)

With my chicas I don't need to speek speak, explain, or deny.

I think the essay should probably be clearer about specifying the issue to which you are responding. It is easy to figure out that you are talking about social pressure and friendship, but near the beginning of the essay you should probably state the issue clearly.

I hope you have great luck with this!

Research Papers / Career research paper on Social worker [5]


It sounds like this is about recognizing your biases. If you personally believe that homosexuality is unethical (i.e. if you are an old fashioned Christian, for example) then your personal ethics might conflict with your professional obligation to help all people equally.

If your personal ethics compel you to oppose X but your social work profession requires you to facilitate X, then you have a conflict.

I hope that helps! Maybe you are having trouble because you are totally nonbiased and professional!

:-)

Writing Feedback / In Barnaul youth will be interested in theatre [2]

Creative group "Project-41", working on base of «Regional palace of youth", has begun preparation of socially significant PR-project "Theatrical Bo om."

The soc ially significant PR-project "Theatrical Bo om" will be timed to the Year of Y outh in Russia.

Creative group " Project-41" has existed since March, 18th, 2005 as ...

You should write paragraphs with 4 or 5 sentences in them. Each paragraph should begin with a TOPIC SENTENCE that introduces the main idea of the paragraph

One paragraph = one idea.
One essay = one big idea made of smaller paragraph-ideas.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Moving from one city to another, father's job" - the world you come from [2]

Having into account Because of the job of my father, we always moved from o

I understood that all those moving relocations brought only positive consequences. I could visit unfamiliar places, and I had a chance to associate with different sorts of people.

...would not have all the attributes I posses now.

I learnt that a human being should never become complacenton attained , regardless of circumstances, controversially and he should always strive to the best whatever he reaches at the end achieve the best results.

It can be clearly seen that my father's upbringing extremely significantly influenced me.

My aim is to get the best in this life, to help people around the world and make life more convenient and comfortable. I want to catch up with the pace of dynamically changing world by entering the field of (name your field of interest). Even though there ...

I think you should include more specific goals for your near future.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why; person of your dream; work experience; mission - Why Syracuse University. [5]

Why would they not provide a word limit... that always confuses me. It seems like such a simple way to avoid getting pummeled by phone calls. Well, you should contribute to the effort to punish them, and make a phone call to ask about the recommended length of the response... it is not fair to make kids guess how long the answer should be.

In the future, if you post a new thread for each mini essay, maybe people will not be too intimidated to respond! :-)

College is an important stepping stone in .... accomplish my goals throughout life. ---You waste words and alienate the reader when you state the obvious.

The long road of finding my ideal college began during my junior year ...---This is a great first sentence for the essay.

Syracuse University provides their students with the opportunity to express their individuality, customize their education with a dual or an individualized major and make a difference in the lives of others.---seems like a weak claim. Lots of colleges offer duel major, and the other stuff in this sentence is very abstract unless you give examples.

...where you I feel at home. I can imagine myself

There are many inspirational people that have graced themselves in our lives, and inspired us to become better people. ---I think this is called a truism, which means "statement of the obvious." Not exactly, but here it serves the same purpose... it starts the essay in a boring way.

For the essay about whom you want to be... it is supposed to be about the future YOU, not about the person who inspired you. I think it needs to be rewritten with a description of your goals and the ways resources at the school can help you.

When I turned 16 and realized that I can could start working, I was overjoyed
The last essay is great, but I recommend adding mention of 2 more real world experiences you will seek.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Computer science, I want to continue to serve the people" - Why Carnegie Mellon? [2]

Are you sure it's not too long. They asked you not to exceed a page and they even said please! :-)

Ever since I had found my passion for ...whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world.----okay, so the thought you leave me with is that you found fulfillment in seeing the work applied. But like I tell a lot of people, it would be good to add a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that tells the reader the single most important message of the essay, the idea you want them to associate with you. Often, this spot in the essay is where they make their judgment of you, good or ill.

Paragraph 2 is impressive...

...apply my .... knowledge ....through .... professors. ---does not make sense!

Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. ---this is just name dropping. To make it meaningful you should cite an article he wrote or refer to research he is doing or his area of specialization.

The numerous opportunities to study human-computer interaction will also allow enable me to explore ---not a necessary change, just an idea... :-)

One thing characteristic I didn't like about the Berkeley lab however was the lack of a certain concentrated environment; there were so many people of various disciplines were present that it took ...

There, I cannot only relive the joys of ...

I think they are going to recognize your seriousness and potential! The best way to fix this is to establish a memorable theme with a good sentence added to the end of the first para.

Research Papers / "SMOKING: WHY NOT KICK THE HABIT": Writing a Research paperline [2]

The title is cool! But it should have a question mark at the end. Also, it should be titles this way if the paper is going to be about "kicking" or about the notion of having no reason not to overcome the habit. The title should not be arbitrarily chosen, but instead should reflect the main theme.

The outline is intimidating. I would not want to try to jump through the hoops this outline presents. However, here is something that will help you:

Most paragraphs are about 100 words.
A page is about 300 words.
That means a 10 page paper is about 30 paragraphs long.
Each paragraph is just a sentence with a lot of explanation.
A 10 page essay actually only consists of 30 sentences.

The above explanation is based on the idea that a paragraph starts with a TOPIC SENTENCE that expresses the paragraph's main idea, and the rest of the para is dedicated to giving explanations and examples.

So... try to build a whole paragraph for each point in this outline.

I'm concerned about the last part of the outline:
Inhaling smoke causes more damage to nonsmokers than it...??? Is this going to say it hurts them more than it hurts the smoker? How is that possible?

Good luck with this!!

:-)

Undergraduate / "bienvenidos a los Estados Unidos" - CARE program at Florida State University [3]

Capitalize:
...to hear "Bienvenidos a los Estados Unidos" at the ...

Some people have dreams; I have a goal. I hav e an ambition to succeed and accomplish a change in the world. Not everything in life has come easy easily to me, but...

... encourages me to learn more and strive deeper continuously toward my goal.

Use a pair of dashes to help manage this long sentence:
All the techniques and communication skills I've learned throughout the Licensed Practical Nursing Program -- being with patients in the hospital or spending two years with the same classmates -- has have developed taught me to get to know every person that comes my way and learn to deal with different personalities that don't match mine.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Drawbacks of unpaid work and recommendations to improve it. [2]

Along with the enthusiasm that a person gets, there may also be existing unfavorable conditions. in line with this, thus, this essay will enumerate the reasons. (Now add a sentence to the end of this paragraph to express the main message of the essay, the message you want the reader to remember.)

Working in an organization without pay will lead to energy burned of by the volunteer. ed person .

In order to avoid the circumstances mentioned above, volunteers should be provided with daily allowances. -----If you give a volunteer an allowance, she is no longer a volunteer. She becomes a pair worker.

This may gives give an additional credit credential to add to a job employment in the future on the part of the volunteer.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Struggles as a Muslim in Post-9/11 America" UC Prompt [2]

Boom. On the morning of September 11, 2001, the World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists, leading to the deaths of 3000 people and the start of a global war on terror. I think you should replace this intro with a sentence that is not so obvious. Everyone knows about it already, so do not tell what happened on 9-11. Give an intro sentence that hints at your theme or the "message of the essay."

It seems distasteful to talk about the repercussions 9-11 had for you without saying anything about the suffering of those who died, their families, etc. Know what I mean? If you mention 9-11 as a source of suffering for you as it affected you indirectly, it is probably good to mention the people it affected directly. I don't mean to say we can never talk about 9-11 without saying something about the victims... it's just that the way this essay is presented makes it seem like some mention of those who lost loved ones should be mentioned as well.

Ever since my eighth grade teacher caused me to develop a passion in the physical sciences, I have known I want to study something related to science in the future. ----Your first half of the essay is written VERY well, but when you get to this part it seems like an abrupt change of subject. You should add a transition sentence to connect the paragraphs.

:-)

Graduate / Social Work PHD Statement of Purpose [2]

Use a hyphen: ...stoic 15 year-old

To improve clarity, you can add a sentence after "Texas-Mexico border" at the end of that first paragraph. That great sentence that is currently the last sentence of the paragraph will not lose any of its impact if you add another sentence after it. In fact, the impact will be strengthened.

Write a sentence that succinctly tells what you are all about... in a single sentence... and add it to that first paragraph.

That prompt essentially asks what you are all about. What are your interests, what have you done and learned, what are your plans...

But as you expound the answers to those questions, try to be able to capture your personal theme in a single paragraph, sentence or word. Make a deep, lasting impression on the reader by constantly going back to your main theme, the idea you want the reader to associate with you.

You are doing very well! Do not forget to cite some scholars whose writings have contributed to understanding in your area of interest.

Research Papers / On black death/bubonic plague: my research paper thesis [2]


Hi! Welcome to EssayForum. I'm sorry it took so long to get a response, but I'm happy to say I have the answer. I tell people this all the time: Do not try to come up with a thesis before writing about some articles.

Get 5 articles. Write a paragraph about each. Read what you wrote, and search for the thesis. It's in there.

Do NOT pull a thesis out of the air and send yourself on a scavenger hunt for articles to support it. That is how my roommate argues. I HATE that. He'll say some unsubstantiated stuff and then look for a reason it is true. It might NOT be true! Overpopulation might have been controlled by something else if not the plague.

No... look into the readings for some truth that has... the ring of truth. Look for a truth that all your readings seem to support in one way or another. Toss the paint onto the canvas (paint = the ideas you get from the articles) and let an INTERESTING, ARGUABLE thesis take form on its own.

:-)

Graduate / SoP for PhD in OR / Financial engineering / Quantitative finance [2]

This allowed enabled me to interact with-----I prefer "enabled" in this sentence... just an idea.

Your math theme is eloquently stated in the intro and well maintained. This is an impressive essay!

On one occasion, I single-handedly initiated designed a project for developing testing software for our product and was associated with all stages of its development life cycle.---To single-handedly initiate something is a strange idea... I wonder if "designed" might be better.

Columbia University is one of the most reputed universities in the United States located right in the middle of the New York City. This sentence is unhelpful. They know its reputation and location. Give this paragraph a better intro! :-)

... and executing them efficiently, singlehandedly with minimum guidance or as a part of a group.

Good luck! I think you deserve the opportunity!