Undergraduate / "Economics, math, and playing guitar" - interesting information, HKUST Admission [5]

It can be on topic with a few adjustments. The world you come from made you understand the importance of having a healthy economy.

I like the essay until you get to this sentence:
Economists predict how markets will change and how firms will behave in the future. This is a statement of the obvious. So, it is better to give a sentence that tells the reader how the world you come from makes you want to be able to predict market changes. That is how to stay focused on the topic.

And at the end of the essay, explain again about your intention to use your knowledge to avoid the economic distress you experienced in the world where you grew up.

:-)

Undergraduate / First Letter Of Intent for Bachelor of Education (Leo, Lion, and Figure Skating clubs [2]

Use an apostrophe here:
peoples'

Google this: philosophy of education
Choose the philosophy that makes sense to you.

Google this: education reform
Read 10 articles and come up with an opinion about how we can improve education.

Google around about the professions in the field of education, and get specific about your goals. Even though your goals might change, muster up an essay about the goals you have in mind right now.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Government should sponsor to build up museum and theatre . [4]

As to whether government should sponsor on the building of a museum and a theatre, the public holds different opinions.

Some of them argue that government should invest on in material industries that can develop people 's life level economic success.

On the other hand, the others hold that life level success includes both material level and mental level aspects, and that the construction of a museum and theatre will be helpful for improving life on the mental level.

So, remember these corrections. Here are the correct ways:
The building of a museum and a theatre will be...
...we can invest on in the project.-----"invest in"
...the construction of a museum and a theatre may make it possible for works of art and theatre performances to have more alternative space opportunity to be shared.

You are doing very well! Keep practicing!

Undergraduate / "My idolization of Batman" - Fictional characters that influenced you Common App [6]

I love the intro! And you made excellent use of "zooming"
...zooming around the living room clumsily karate chopping furniture to lend it too much thought.---I just took out one word. :-)

...and many people still attribute it to that.

Wow, I just become more impressed as I continue to read. Great job... if you have time, I know you will enjoy reading about Kant's categorical imperative.

You should cite Kant in this essay.

Also, google around for this: difference between utilitarian and absolute ethics

One more item you might find interesting is an article: No, Capital Punishment is Not Morally Required: Deterrence, Deontology, and the Death Penalty by Carol Steiker.

:-)

Undergraduate / From Thailand to LA, how the world has shaped me-UC Prompt #1 [2]

I think this sentence could be a little clearer, like this:
The only factor enabling me to keep my head together was the knowledge that my father waiting for m e at LAX.

Then I begun began to reflect the colorful memories I had at of Thailand.

There was were only one elementary school and one secondary school, but numerous acres of rice fields.

I came back to reality and looked up at my shaking grandmother tightly grappling to gripping the armrests, and I felt a warm feeling.

And here is my suggestion to simplify the ending:
...but both worlds had become a are parts of my identity and it had shaped my aspirations. and dreams.

Undergraduate / Essay A "My Mean Teacher" [4]

Everybody has somehow been influenced a life in some way.

Okay, actually I want to ... but in my case t The person that changed my life significantly caused many negative feelings to overcome me. However, thanks to the most hated teacher of all my school life I have move upward in my education leaving many others behind me. (Now add a perfect thesis statement that brilliantly expresses the main idea you want to share.)

Above, do you see how intriguing it is when you begin the essay with that sentence, "The person that..."
I like it!

Everything started during my fourth grade year here in the United States. T he only things words I understood ...

Mrs. Garza made me feel stupid like nobody else had; I despised her with all my heart, and my emotions made me wish for horrible things to happen to her.

...and my pronunciation came with not without so much of a struggle. anymore .

... made me learn earn what has become now my greatest weapon: knowing how to speak, write and read in English.

:-)

Undergraduate / "grandiose stadium, engineering" - OSU's Why I am interested in their University [4]

Your first sentence is interesting. The second sentence is a good place to use a colon:
I can remember it perfectly: The sun was glistening over the clouds as I walked onto the OSU campus.

Immediately, I wanted to be a student sitting in one of those seats.---Why? Just because it is a large stadium? Or does the grandeur represent some ideal that appeals to you?

...to the epitome extreme of 307 mph, but I...

Then, as I started considering majors-----I don't think it is good to present this as though you only recently began considering majors. It is better if you have been thoughtfully planning your future for a long time during high school. The best essays demonstrate detailed goals and plans.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Green electricity, conservation, and other reductions" - Why colby [3]

Apart from the talented peers, rigorous courses and (inspiring livings? What do you mean here? Like, a way of making a living?), colby at colby, I will find a special thing appeal: green---both her fascinating scene and her core value.

As a global environmental citizen (Colby is not a citizen...) As an environmentally conscientious community, Colby adheres to the ...

:-)

Research Papers / write a 6-12 page argument/research paper on the new Arizona law of Immigration [3]

Hi blonde37, if you have been doing research, you must have some online articles that you can cite. What are the names of some of the articles you found?

If you write a paragraph about the main idea of one article, you will be on your way to success!

The trick is to avoid writing the intro paragraph first. Write it last! Write the intro based on the paragraphs you write about articles.

Just give me a paragraph about one article, and that will be one of your body paragraphs. You can do it! Explain the main ideas, and maybe quote the author. That is the way to write a paragraph about an article.

:-)

If you find a really good article, you might even write 2 paragraphs about it.

Write 1-2 paragraphs about each article.
When you have written about8 different articles, you will have written 2 or 3 pages. Then, go back and add an intro. Then, lengthen the whole thing as you revise.

You need that raw material, though -- those paragraphs about articles!

Undergraduate / "A male student of African Descendant to become a financial analyst" - RUTGERS [6]

A male student of African Descendant descent with a burning desire and passion to attain my dream of becoming a world renowned financial analyst in this sophisticated and dynamic world work as a financial analyst for the benefit of _____________. (In what setting?)

Google descent and descendant to see what each means.

A The world is f ull of people from diverse ...

burning desire ---This is a cliche, so it weakens the essay. Express ideas in your own unique ways.

Growing up was never a palatable experience for me.---Interesting sentence!!
Use a hyphen: eye-opener

...worked in Newark Airport as a customer service associate where I experience diversity as I met people from different various cultures , origins and experiences.

I like this topic sentence: Coming from a different culture and being a minority in a diverse society, I believe Rutgers is the right place for me. With the richness in diversity and outstanding academic environment, Rutgers will provide a....of the world that will fully equip me to face the challenges of life. (This part seems sort of meaningless, because it is just telling general ideas about the school having diversity. Replace this stuff with your own unique idea.

For every paragraph, express one new idea. It does not actually have to be a new idea, but you have to give an idea your own unique perspective and in relation to your chosen field.

I know for feel certain that ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "People, culture and diversity" - Rutgers University essay [3]

I think the whole first paragraph is too obvious. The second paragraph gets very interesting! How about condensing the whole first paragraph into a single sentence -- an interesting sentence -- that you will tack on to the beginning of paragraph 2? That will make the essay more powerful. As it is now, it gets off to a slow start with all the obviousness.

I think that getting involved with the New Jersey Folk Festival could be a really good thing. ----This is a good topic to use, but replace the word thing with a more descriptive word.

It will be good if you think of some plans (for contributing to diversity) that are related to your chosen field. Is art the field of study that interests you most?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Biomedical engineering" - the creation, the improvement and the end" - OSU Essay [5]

A television cannot be turned on, an the I nternet cannot be browsed, and a newspaper cannot be read without viewing the popular topic of life -- the creation, the improvement and the end. ----I don't understand this part..."the creation, the improvement and the end" What do you mean?

Every day new ideas are introduced in order to prolong the end (what do you mean by "end?" Is it the best word to use here?

Too much "which" right here:
I was also a captain of my high school team which has helped me find my personal leadership style which is necessary to succeed in engineering.

You can do this:
I was also a captain of my high school team, which has helped me find my personal leadership style -- and leadership is necessary for success in engineering. (I used a dash.)

Writing Feedback / Is the ability to tolerate problems as important as the ability to fix them [2]

I'll give some more corrections. Please practice every correction by typing the sentence 10 times. That is the way to gain beneficial habits with the English language.

Next fi Fixing problems is a process that sharpens the brain.

When people are making decisions, the process teaches some lessons.

So next time he encounters the same problems, he does not do make the same mistakes before he did he made before.

He may try to get more efficient and effective solutions.---Good sentence! But I would change the word "get" to the word "achieve."

Furthermore, the person, who resolves the problems get gets leadership skills. For instance, if a person in on a team gives a wonderful solutions for the problems he may get rewards.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Alcoholism vs. other addiction - Compare and contrast [5]


I don't think it is helpful to begin the essay with a sentence about addiction types being ample. You can begin with any kind of sentence you want to use! What would help to create a powerful experience for the reader?

I also suggest adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. If you could give one sentence about the relationship between these two illnesses, what would that sentence be? Type it at the end of paragraph one.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The influence of my dad" - Essay on someone that influenced me [7]

I like your idea, but I think you should condense it so that this discussion requires only 50% of the sentences. That way you can leave room for the other important part of the essay: what YOU have become as a result. This essay is not supposed to be just about your dad. It is supposed to be mostly about you.

So, I think you should add at least one paragraph all about your aspirations, and show how they are inspired by him.


:-)

Book Reports / Thesis for Paradise Lost about the maintainance and establishment of social order [2]

Hi Jen, watch the scene in Karate Kid where Mr. Miyagi prunes the Bonsai tree. That is how to carve out a thesis statement.

It's actually easy.

Do not do it until after you write at least 2 or 3 paragraphs.

Write one paragraph about Paradise Lost and another about the other book. Make them paragraphs about social order.

That is all you nee to do for now. Don't think about anything else. Write one paragraph about each. You'll be able to reread the paragraph and perceive the thesis statement easily.

Google this: how to write good thesis statement

Undergraduate / "innovations about nanotech, solar cells, and robot" - Cornell engineering [2]

Pluralize "robots"
...nanotech, solar cells, and robots . Though jargon and functions often puzzled me, I could pour

We just could not just just sit before the computer and understood understand the whole process .

I like the ending, and I like all the specific details you included. They show that you are someone who has given a lot of thought to your future.

Here is an idea: if you add one sentence to the intro paragraph and include a memorable phrase that will become the THEME for your essay... and then repeat that memorable phrase at the end of the essay... it will make it so that the reader associates that theme with you, and it will make her remember you.

:-)

Scholarship / (Reduction of tuition fees) A scholarship application essay [4]

My decision to pursue my masters degree at --- is made after prudent consideration regarded of the course's structure and my future goals .

I'll cross out these words that I think are unnecessary:
For your knowledge, I am currently under sponsorship from ----- for my undergraduate study. Because of this, I have little some concern about my living costs in Japan as my parents cannot afford the expensive tuition fees and living costs.

Start a new paragraph:
(Add a "topic sentence" for the paragraph here). Apart from being

After completing the master course masters degree program, my intention is to...

...concentrate more on my study studies and the research projects that await me in my future. (Is this what you mean by "followed?")

Your ending is very strong... good writing! I hope you find a lot of success!

Graduate / Social activity club, Best Design, Mechanical Engineer - ISB application [5]

It might be good to get rid of these two words:
I believe that my achievements till now are the outcomes

I have tutored economically backward disadvantaged students, organized...

This entire episode helped me to improve my management skills in the during college. period itself.

Use a hyphen: decision-making

And I have a suggestion to simplify this complicated part:
and leadership skills; to a new level; and further they will, along with my I will further them when I learn from the highly qualified faculty and my diverse peers at ISB. surely make me an important asset of ISB.

Scholarship / "to become a well-educated and useful person" - my study plan [3]

The main purpose of my life is to become well-educated person who is useful for my home country. ---if you say this, you should justify it in some way. Should any person say this, regardless of what home country she or he comes from? What, specifically, do you want to accomplish.

In order to build the strong fundament foundation for my life and career, I need

Do not capitalize here:
Secondly, My my parents' private business its income and their hard work taught me that the economy is very important in any country, especially in Mongolia.

In the future, I dream to run my own TV or radio show with deep analysis on Mongolia's and world economic and business issues.----oh, I see that you have been thinking about the future! This is very good. This is the kind of detail I was thinking about when I asked what you want to accomplish.

I suggest a simplified sentence structure here:
If awarded this scholarship, I can not only fulfill my own aspirations, but and this scholarship will literally be the gift that keeps on giving.

Awesome ending.. I think both parts of this essay are impressive!

Research Papers / Argumentative Paper for Art History on Illuminated Manuscripts [2]

I'm looking at your topic sentences...

In their initial purposes, illuminated manuscripts from the twelfth century were mostly created to provide religious instruction.
Very primitive decoration was used initially.(I think this sentence should be lengthened so that it expresses an idea connected with the thesis statement.)

the purposes of illuminated manuscripts began to shift further away from religious topics -----good topic sentence

The plate entitled Mordred besieging the Tower of London from the Roman Du Saint Graal, and this ex ample of such supports my argument that the illuminated manuscript shifted from being used...

(Try to make every paragraph's topic sentence support the thesis statement.)

:-) Thanks for giving me new insight into the significance of religious texts for early mass communication!

Undergraduate / "The Gift of Perception" Rice University Entrance Essay [8]

though thought I had been blessed with the gift of perception.

...everything once again establishes itself as clear black and white and the cycle is complete.

Some semi-colons would help here:
I grew up in a home without faith; I grew up in a home which didn't subscribe to any real political ideology; in short, I grew up in a home without any base code or idea to drive my actions. ----well, if nothing else you had this model for understanding life... the one your dad explained. It is profound!

I like the ending, too... this whole essay is very meaningful. I would eliminate the phrase in the middle here at the end, though: This is who I am, this is what I do, and this is what I can bring to Rice. (less is almost always more).

Great job!!

Undergraduate / Why are you intrested in English? - Rice Supplement Essay [4]


Hi Benjamin. Thanks for all the help you have been giving at EssayForum!

I wanted to mention that the error is not in specifying that you want to be a writer. It is in the fact that saying you want to be a writer is unnecessarily vague.

Similarly, I think saying you want to be a physician is vague, because if you have given it serious thought you will have several areas of specialization in mind.

Saying you want to be a psychologist is another example, because you can always specify goals that reflect thoughtful consideration.

So... being a writer is not something specific. You can be a writer-attorney, a writer-politician, a writer-comedian, a ghostwriter, a guy who corrects essays, etc. :-) Know what I mean?

Consult Strunk and White, and you'll see that this sentence is better without that last comma:
It started in second grade, and, like most good things (no comma necessary) it came to me in the form of a hippo-head handout.---brilliant

I challenge you to set up a free account at Elance, and take some of the quizzes so that people can see what you are good at. If you try Elance and it teaches you a lot, I'll take all the credit for suggesting it! :-)

This part could be more efficient, and that would make it more poignant, and it is also true that some people would mistake it for a run on sentence even though it is actually okay-----> ...because I'm a writer, its who I am, and even if I never publish anything that is never going to change.

Also, please spend some time reading about how the profession of a writer is changing. Technically, you just published something when you hit "submit" on this web forum.

Go make yourself a blog! Do you blog? I'm glad you joined EssayForum.

Undergraduate / "After volunteering, a daycare" - SUNY COMMON APP EXTRACURRICULAR [5]

How our lives are perceived is something we see as sacred affects us tremendously.---or something like that. Choose a word that is better than tremendously. :-) hahahah...

In a world where everyone is observed under a microscope, we strive to do that which is beneficial to us while avoiding as much criticism as possible. --I like this sentence! It would be good if this was the first sentence of the essay.

On the other hand, when it comes to the circumstances of others, seldom are we concerned enough to help out of our goodwill. Unfortunately, it is when we help others that we are truly benefiting ourselves. (end the first paragraph here)

paragraph #2:
As a child, I failed to learn this truth about helping others...

:-)

Undergraduate / IS this intro about Page 87 of your autobiography to strong and risky? [4]

"Oh I see we have a smart one on our hands, I've seen some of the best coming out of that school. If your anything like what I've seen kid, you have one bright future." I look up to Carl "Oh Sir I am much more than that, ----hahah, this seems really arrogant, but I know you are trying to say something that celebrates the school. Still, it seems arrogant.

I've study studied under the best by receiving the utmost superior education by nationally renown leaders in the field." this sentence does not mean anything. You should replace it with a sentence that refers to a specific professor or program at the school. All the nationally renown, utmost superior... all that stuff is unhelpful. You can replace this aggrandizement with any sentence you like, and it will be better.

I turn back to focus on my job, as my mind drifts off to my first memory of VCU. It all started when I received a big white envelope in the mail with the college's acronym posted on the top left corner.---great ending!! They'll have to accept you because of this great writing. The only part I don't like is the aggrandizement, because it is full of generic things to say. It needs to say specific things. :-)

Undergraduate / "Excellent computer science professors and diversity" -Allegheny college essay prompt [6]

In the beginning of this paragraph, you refer to the testimonials, but you never say what was impressive about them. It might be good to list a few words and phrases you remember from those testimonials.

I don't know how I feel about quoting the website. If you quote it, use a key phrasefrom the quote in the sentence that follows it. Elaborate on the quote and apply it to your own unique plan.

:-)

Thanks, John, for the great work you did here!

Undergraduate / "From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico: I stayed in Taos" UNC-Chapel Hill Essay [9]


Yes, I was going to say the first sentences are weak. But you write well!! They are only weak because you try to express more than you can in that amount of space. Just identify the experience you actually want the reader to have.

From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico, I have covered quite some air. and successfully at that . Yet, compared to my parents' travel repertoire, it's not very impressive. They would be moving again, about seventy miles away to Santa Fe. (replace this with a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay, or an idea that you want to PLANT in the readers mind!! :-)

I learned to be independent but still recognize the importance of support.---wow, very good. I think it gets very good here at the end.

So, about that intro... you should just simplify it and make it clear. Succinctly tell the reader the situation. But before you do, hook the attention with an intriguing sentence that hints at the theme -- a sentence about the way absence can influence someone.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My world is a spacecraft" - Describe the world you come from... [2]

At this part, you should not capitalize:
My family, comprised of my Father, Grandmother, and Brother...

I really like the spacecraft theme! I hope the AO reader enjoys it as much as I do. Great job.

This sentence seems wrong: I have been able to fit in by being a part of both the opulent society and the commoners.----It seems inconsistent with what you were just saying about being detached from them. I almost feel that you should use the word "not"...I have not been able to fit in with the opulent...

...never being a complete part of any of them, but moved by all of them. (as I get to this part, I am thinking, "Hey, he is forgetting to keep up that spacecraft theme. It should be mentioned in the body of the essay.)

...interest in Japanese culture.----I hope you read some books by Shunryu Suzuki, my favorite...

Use the word "detached" in the intro so that the reader understand the spacecraft metaphor as a reference to a detached perspective. Use the word detach as you justify that metaphor.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my spiritual leader, His Highness The Aga Khan" - Someone who has impacted your life [2]

At the beginning, you can write:
It was during this glorious year that...

But, this was the first time being I attended a religious occasion where I got to see his presence.

Thousands of people were surrounding me, but it felt as if he was only speaking to me. ----- This is excellent writing! It's a great way to describe the experience...

... the dreams of the Aga Khan.
Looking into...
You did a good transition into the discussion of his childhood. I think it is important to give more examples of specifically how he impacted you. It is great that you mentioned how his success as a student inspires you to be a successful student. What other lessons has he taught you?

The Aga Khan's hard word work to eliminate poverty and help the unprivileged individuals has been ranked top on my to-do list.

:-) You write very well!

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in computer science / cloud computing [18]

You have to go give some students your opinions about their essays!
That's how to contribute to EF. :-)

For now, I'll tell you that my strategy would be to Google this:
"data mining" pollution
"data mining" carbon emissions
"data mining" environmental

also
use the " " marks this way: "web mining" "structured data"

Like that. Google the term with specific examples of threats to the environment.
Does that kind of advice help you? You are looking for a research topic, right?

It's strange to look for a research topic within a particular aspect of the field. It is better if you read a lot of articles and become interested in particular problems. That way, you will be taking a purposeful approach to solving them. Seek solutions for problems that already interest you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Everything that my brother" - someone who has made an impact on your life [4]


The verb tense is difficult in this sentence... it is not your falt... this kind of sentence is difficult for everyone!
Having been the youngest in our family, I have always been the one who is being taken care of.---I fixed it by crossing out 2 words.

Google the word "perimeter" to see what it means. :-)

This sentence is written in a brilliant way, very good!----> If my brother, at the age of seven, could understand the values of others, so can I.

Undergraduate / MUN and EYP - How I spent my last two summers [5]

Google the word precludes to see what it means.

The traditional Albanian summer vacation precludes includes two weeks spent by the sea, in company of your closets closest ones, enjoying...

the unrivaled mountainous beauty of the north----This is a nice way to describe it!

Nevertheless, walking around or just sleeping is not the ideal way I spend my summer. Ins tead I usually dedicate ...

While Studying for all the exams (no comma necessary here) gave me a sense of purpose, since they were my first concrete step towards my academic future.

Thanks, Barbara, for being so active at EssayForum! For this essay, I think you need to add a creative concept that will stick in the reader's mind. Use this space, at the end of the first paragraph:

A custom we still follow nowadays. Replace this incomplete sentence with a complete sentence that expresses the UNIQUE MESSAGE you want the reader to associate with you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the United States of my home" + "becoming successful" + diversity: WEST POINT ESSAY [2]


So far, it all seems generic, cliched, and common. I am looking for an unforgettable theme.


This is well written, and it is true, but it is something the reader already knows. To write a good essay, you need to start with a good idea.

Freedom is certainly not free. ---I think I have heard this before.

Okay, the bottom line for the first essay is this: You write well, obviously, and it is great that you are so passionate about service, but as an essay these paragraphs do not express any new idea. They express common, patriotic ideas, nothing original.

Essay #2: Commitment is a means to an end. It is not inherently virtuous. What if the policy makers begin to take immoral action and use the military to take exploitative and cruel action? Would you remain committed regardless of the decisions made in congress?

Doing what is right for our country and ourselves. ----This is not always easy to determine.
I think maybe commitment is not the best word. Are there other words that can capture what your parents taught? Perhaps the word single-mindedness can better capture your ideal.

The third essay is the one I like the most. I see no errors to correct, and I am impressed by the way you managed the topic of diversity. You express a great theme: Valuing diversity allows us to enhance ourselves by eliminating ignorance and gaining different perspectives on life.

I found an error, actually:
It embraces (what does diversity do to one's character? Maybe it "refines" it) refines one's character, which forms the basis of many of our values.

:-) Good luck!

Undergraduate / "no pains, no gains" - from Taiwan to America; "my world" - rough draft [3]

I'll add some commas here:
I always wanted to come to America, this big country, and experience a different lifestyle one day.

I' like to add " " marks here: I feel like I'm doing "mission impossible" all the time. -----cool! :-)

Everything in America is a challenge to me because we America and I have nothing in common. We have different ...----By personifying America, you make the essay very interesting!

:-)

e three cultures. This has given me an in-depth opportunity to broaden my horizons.

There is an old saying says, "no pain, no gain ."

You don't have to "regret about"... just "regret"
I've never regret about coming to the U.S. because life ought to be full of surprises .

You are very creative!

Undergraduate / "reclusive, family- orientated, Asian- based society" - Where i come from UC [3]

This is the world from which I come from that influences me and makes me who I am today.

Every man is for himself and to himself. ---I don't understand what you mean by this, so I think ... I think you should reverse the order of sentences so that it is like this:

As stereotype dictates, a majority of the Asian ethnicities that live in ---- are reclusive and independent. "Every man is for himself and to himself." We strive for ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Who would have thought television could be a good thing?" - UC prompt 1 [3]

Be careful right here:
...as much ----> as
as much of an influence on my dreams then as that

...stuffing more and more saltine crackers into my mouth. ---hahah, great, weird humor here. You need to mention Saltine crackers at the beginning of the essay, too... just use it to make that comparison about the thirst for knowledge in physics at the beginning of the essay, perhaps at the end of the first paragraph.

The snowboarding theme is not developed quite enough. If you revise ONE sentence about snowboarding to make it more directly apply to the change you underwent as you embraced physics, that will probably be enough to make it perfect. Right now the snowboarding theme seems almost irrelevant to the main idea of the essay, but you connected it by using it to show that you started to love science even more than it, which is pretty good. Try to make it symbolize something, though, or perhaps use it as a reference point in your thinking about physics... snowboarding is all about physics.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 and #2; "Living by myself" & "The Girl Isabella from Mexico" [3]

I like the beginning of the turkey sandwich essay! It is great imagery. I hope all essayists who visit this thread will notice the effect that it has when you read those words... and your mind responds to the cue to conjure up a mental image of a hand and a turkey sandwich. "Hand" and "turkey sandwich"...these are powerful words!

:-)

Let's look at the opening of the next essay:
Under a dazzling sun, I ran around doing laundry and making food.---Dazzling sun is not as powerful as turkey sandwich, but it is pretty good.

In both essays, the intro begins with good imagery but the first line ends in an uninteresting way. In the first essay, though, the first paragraph becomes brilliant.

In the second essay, the first paragraph is more "generic" because it is not as emotive. Still, it is very well written. But look at this inefficiency:

It was an extremely memorable experience to engage with ...----These words provide no experience for the reader. All of them together are not as powerful as "turkey sandwich." Instead of using "extremely memorable experience," use words that indicate a real, tangible aspect of the memory...

:-) You are a good writer! Thanks, everyone, for making this a great thread.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast your way of life with that of your parents [3]

Never type this:
more better
...always far more better than their fathers' lives.

...attitudes toward professions and ways of spending money. (I think you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph to make sure the reader understands what you mean.

To begin with, my father always presumes that jobs are not only careers, such as police or army, which contribute to the society's peace and security, but it should also be devoted also devotes to others' happiness.

...and a good reputation.

My parents' way is...
My parents' ways are...
Moreover, my parents' ways of living is are always very economical.

But, it helps me save my time and study effectively and rapidly which my parents, in their time, never achieved .

You should never write this:
In my opinion, I believe They mean the same thing, so together they are redundant. Just do this:
In my opinion, using new technology is very...

:-)

Undergraduate / "drug shootings and kidnappings, Mexico-Texas" - issue of importance to me [3]

I think it is not a good idea to mention "senseless bullets." They are supposed to be senseless, because they are just bullets. But you can do this:

Senselessly fired bullets...

The world is full of issues that affect people in general. ---this sentence doesnot help promote the message of your essay. I think it is unnecessary.

...has the capability of being southern Texas problem as well. ---very impressive insight...

...been canceled or been i

I find it unfair how people that who work hard for their money and have...

I am thankful for my ability to live in a...

This is a great topic to cover in your essay! Also, you demonstrate a lot of wisdom and thoughtful reflection.

Undergraduate / "everything my mother has done for me" - someone who has made an impact on your life [5]

Luckily for me, that person was with me since as long ago as I can remember. ----I added ago because "since" needs to refer to a point in time. "long ago"

As I read more of the essay, I see that you have a nice way of structuring sentences. I have a criticism, though: You did not come up with a theme for your essay. In fact, these statements could be made about "mothers" in general... you did not make the essay unique by using an original theme.

So I think you should try to make a creative observation about the uniqueness of your mother. That will make this essay memorable. Make your observation at both the beginning and end of the essay.

:-)