Undergraduate / "I sat under light to do my homework" -significant experience, risk, ethical dilemma. [4]

Every month another late fee was added to each bill.

Well, for whatever it is worth, you are not the only student who had to cope with an electricity or gas shutoff. I did, too! In this competitive society, the forces we are up against will take all the money we have sometimes! It is hard...

Comma, and capitalize:
I began to think, "W hy am I even doing this assignment? I'm sure this would be the perfect

Instead of just having my electricity turned off, my water was turned off as well. ---oh, no!!! I bet you will be more aware of the need for stable income than your peers who never experiences cold showers!

I believe I came out of that obstacle a stronger and wiser person. ---I bet you did! And I like the quote you used in this essay. I like the way you used it.

:-)

Essays / "Why education is important." - 1st paragraph ideas / literacy topic [5]

The only way for it to be fantastic is for you to come up with a precious observation. What does it mean to have a precious observation? I bet you have made some. Maybe you have made a precious observation about religion or about human nature...

When H. D. Thoreau wrote "Civil Disobedience" he was making a precious observation about democracy.

What precious observation can you make about your parents' struggle? Whatever it is, it need to be more complicated than just saying their struggle shows the importance of college. Many people go to college and then struggle (i.e. psychology majors). Many people do not go to college, but they are successful in business. So... spend some time in contemplation as you walk around your neighborhood... and see what you can observe about the importance of college.

:-)

Graduate / Petroleum engineering: how you would add diversity to the graduate class? [3]

I agree with Lina927. The prompt is a question about "diversity." It is okay to mention your work, and it is especially great if you mention different types of people with whom you worked -- people from various cultures, people with disabilities, people of both genders, etc.

Most importantly, express tyour interest in embracing diverse cultures and viewpoints.

The answer you gave is good, but you should change it so that it focuses on diversity.

Student Talk / Spring Vs. Fall admittance...? [7]

Hi Goni, I don't know how to answer the questions, because circumstances vary from one school to the next, and policies are always changing. However, I began my college studies as an undergrad in the late 90s, and I began in the Spring semester. I was not a transfer student or international student.

I think you should just try to open up as many "doors of opportunity" as you can, ande one will pay off!

If you go help some students by giving them your ideas about their essays, you can ask them some of these questions and link them to this thread. Good luck!! :-)

Undergraduate / "What is beyond the realm of high school for us" - Common App Short Answer feedback [4]

A question that baffles all high school students including myself is what is beyond the realm of high school for us? I think this is too obvious.

I am proudly able to say that I was able to find found this insightful answer during my summer program with NJIT.

Here is another one to cut:
RWC allowed me to learn and expand my horizon of knowledge through team-based learning experience projects.

:-)Now I'll move to the xsecond version:

What is beyond the realm of high school for us? I am proudly able to say that I was able to find this found the insightful answer during my summer program with NJIT.

I like the way you revised it!

:-)

Research Papers / "Australia's development from 1788 to 1900", Chorus - History essay question (HELP) [4]


Great idea! And actually, this is very easy, because when you look for what the chorus really says it is only one concept: from all the lands on earth we come

See how easy it will be? Just read about where people came to Australia from during those years.

:-)

Research Papers / university research about art project which I can't figure out how to start. [2]

Hello khoshnaw,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond.

It must be very difficult to learn in English when it is not your first language.
Well, maybe you can write well enough in English to explain an article that you found. Can you write a paragraph for me? Write a paragraph about one of the articles. Give a sentence about what the article was about. Then, give another sentence to explain. Then, give a sentence with an example or a quote. Four or five sentences will make a paragraph.

Do not feel overwhelmed by it. Just write one paragraph about every article. It will get easier while you work!

:-)

Undergraduate / "had no passion for learning, let alone listening" - Common App Short Answer [4]

Whenever you use two adjectives in a row, use a comma:
The way they looked up to me gave me a priceless , heartwarming feeling.

Hey, this essay gives the reader a heartwarming feeling, too!

I was to make sure that they got their completed their homework done before they went home because they refused to do schoolwork when they're they were not at school.

You explained your experience very well, and the kids are lucky they had your influence.

:-)

Undergraduate / "restaurant was destroyed, NY" - Williams Supplemental Windows Essay [4]

I'll take out a few words:

Ask someone to describe looking out of a window, and they can describe to you a thousand different views, thoughts, and emotions that they associate with the action. I myself recount a moment ...

Very good observation: The people below scurried around like ants, all concentrated on their own private objectives...

my mind flashed back to that scene of the city and of the people, and I was deeply saddened by the event. (At the end, here, you should give one more sentence to relate this feeling of being saddened back to the first sentence, where you acknowledged that different people have different associations. That way, the essay will be full and focused.

Undergraduate / "Mrs. Rystedt" - someone that made an impact in my life and how it is important to me [3]

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
People we meet throughout life are often forgotten, but there are always certain people who stay and make some sort of impact in our lives. In my case, there is one special woman who had impacted my life like ...

Cynthia Rystedt or as I call her Mrs. Rystedt had always been there...

... give her credit for my learning English.

Comma:
When I first came to the United States I was enraged at the world, but now I thank ...

Mrs. Rystedt has made an extremely important impact in my life since I was a child, a nd she has not stopped since then. I love that lady with all of my heart, and I thank God for putting her in my life.

She taught you well! Your use of the English language is nearly perfect.

Undergraduate / "Pride in my African-American heritage, math is fine too" - SOP [4]

My presence will enrich the community in many ways. This sentence is uninteresting and unnecessary.

I have a lot to offer this campus and the community. This, too. Not meaningful.

I think this would be great as the first sentence:
I will bring my willingness to learn, my calmness, and my sweet personality to the community.

...greatly enriched by someone like me. ---It will b e good if you add a few sentences about how people can benefit by being around someone who knows what you know.

You have struggled a lot! I think you'll make a very strong contribution to your school and professional field.

Here is aplace where the word "that" is unnecessary:
Although I am not good at math, I think that tutoring could help me.

I am looking forward to doing my best in college. I will also make great efforts to earn the best grades that I can. These two sentences mean the same thing. I think you should replace them with a few sentences about the kind of profession you might like.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Leaders that had effect on the world [5]

Capitalize: During the time he was the king of Jordan he made a great achievements and contributions in his country and the Middle East region as a whole.

When he became a king, their was were many social and political problems that encounter Jordan encountered, and the most important...

In addition, he made [s]a significant econo mical improvements, resulting in a lowering of the prices on the goods and products for the citizens, and ...

The essay has great structure, because each paragraph is about a different idea. They all support the main idea of the essay, which is this:

King Hussain's most important consideration was the Jordanian people and how to improve their life lives in every aspect possible.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I am a novice to this country" - VCU Essay.... what is unique about me [6]

Use a comma here:
I migrated from India in the ninth grade of my high school, and I have been away from my parents since then.

I propose solutions to my problems, apply them, and -- if I fail I again -- propose new solutions and resort to continue my struggle. to overcome them.

Ha ha, I think it is great, but I disagree about what makes you special. Your talent for writing makes you special! Anyone who reads this will like you and want you to succeed.

Writing Feedback / Dress code is an epidemic. Colleges and universities shouldn't have a dress code [4]

Thanks Ninja, for the time you spent here!!!

I'll pick up where you left off...

How someone dresses is a communication skill, influencing the way people view them because their attire makes a statement.

...some topics that may be brought up is include how the reflection of a school may look. Using a dress code does not

A dre ss code is an ...

:-)

Graduate / Ph.D. SOP - Elec Eng to Civil Eng [5]

Massive traffic jams in Bangkok are rather daunting and known as one of the biggest problems of Thailand's capital city.

or you can do this:
Massive traffic jams represent the biggest problem.
the biggest problem OR one of the biggest problems ...

same thing here:
is the key soution
OR
is one of key solutions for traffic congestion.

There are a p Plenty of research studies are concerned with macroscopic modeling, especially CTM conducted at RRRR.

This is a very impressive sop!

Undergraduate / "Leaving Hong Kong to study elsewhere" - commapp experience [3]

trying to figure out the rather elusive world appeared in front of me.

You have excellent commandof the English language, but a complex styleis not always best. I simplified a little in the sentence above.

It was six in the morning, and I was about to leave from Hong Kong, where I took had taken my SAT exam the day before.

Use a comma here: I have struggled for endless days, and I will not stop until that glorious day.

Nice! Your writing style is really enjoyable to read.

Writing Feedback / Term paper over different types of Love - Need a peer edit and ideas for conclusion [2]


I don't think you need this sentence, because the reader already knows what puppy love refers to...

While Dina was spraying Heidi she turned up the water pressure and Heidi slipped, b ut she didn't get up.In stead she rolled back and forth.

In conclusion, Dina and Heidi went through various different types of love while getting to know each other and develop their relationship.-----This is not a good conclusion! You should make a unique observation. Instead of letting this simple idea be the theme of your essay, you should go a step further and make an observation that contributes your own idea about the thre kinds of love. You did a great job quoting the book and explaining a different idea with each paragraph. Just identify your MAIN idea, and let it be a little more meaningful than just saying, "they had three different kinds of love."

:-)

Essays / Parents VS You - need a few writing ideas! [8]

How am I supposed to give you ideas about what you think and what your parents think? Just answer the questions is the most enjoyable to write, because that will make it enjoyable to read.

Answer the questions, and see if you can notice a theme or "truth" that they express. What do you observe or conclude after answering the questions? Go back to the beginning of the essay and add an intro paragraph that expresses the main theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / "someone who rises up to as a leader" - UC prompt 2 - leadership [4]

My opinion is that everything we write should have a title. A title is an important part of your method for communicating the main idea, even more important than a thesis statement. Yet, some AO readers would advise against it! So, it depends on the school, I guess. If you use a title, make sure it is not melodramatic.

This intro is not a good idea: I kept to myself as a child. Very observant, as liked to watch things happen from the outside. This was mostly because of my severe shyness. Growing up in a traditional Mexican family, I was If you want to talk about changing from an introvert to a leader, explain that change in one or two sentences. Make the essay about something more.

Make the essay about your specific plans and intentions... share with the reader your current situation and goals for the near future. Show that UC is the best option for you because of specific qualities that go well with your aspirations.

:-)

Undergraduate / "story about the wife of Jamadagni Rishi" - my essay about myself [6]

End the sentence and begin a new one:
...afraid of the dark. The real...

...a lecture on ancient historys history. Actually the wife of Jamadagni Rishi means Renuga Devy . Yeah that is my name! I get got to know this is the meaning of my name according to the Indian Astrology when ...

...the happinest happiness...

I actually should have been born with a handicap. My mother suffered to give birth me. She was admitted in hospital for 9 months .

I am the most cheeriest person. I talk to everyone.

... jokes which i finds find funny but others feel find silly. The result is i got duplicate Oscar Award for being Princess of Laughter from my cousins . Awww... So sweet of them.

Congratulations! That is a great award!

Writing Feedback / "to certify a career" - What are the aims of academic study and how to achieve them? [2]

This essay will explore the aims of academic study and various ways of achieving them in accordance to with influences on academic performance and the goal of using education to promote the economic development of the society. ----Does it seem okay this way? I felt that I needed to change it a little.

... in a professional field for example MBA in marketing, PHD in Economic and development I don't think these examples are helpful.

The aims of academic study are concerned with numerous aspects goals. The m ost vital goal is to prepare for a career.

Recent developments and research about the education system has have shown that class size and method of teaching has have rich impact on the performance of the pupils in school.

Academic studies study is portal for growth of mind and soul,and it empowers us to live and improve our lives society for existing and future generations.

:-)

Graduate / how important is movitation in applying for Ph.D. program in physics [3]


This sentence is excellent. I know you are just including it to explain the situation to us, but I think it is a great sentence to include in the essay. It lets the reader know you and your situation. It is so impressive that you did a mech.engineering program and went to the top of the class. I do not think it will reflect negatively on you that you did only three years of physics, because they will see all the physics classes on your transcript.

In answer to your question, I think motivation is the most important quality of the essay. You show motivation by specifying areas of specialization and research interest that appeal to you and also by telling details about your goals for the next two years.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Mandy, a beautiful black dog - Write a descriptive paragraph [4]

I came to notice that she befriended people with more calm calmer personalities and those who seem to be charming dog lovers. Others she would get uncontrollable uncontrollably furious ...

hahahah, the ending is funny...

Google this:
imagery words list

See if you can include more imagery words.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Interested in nursing since my nephew was born" - UCI Nursing Supplemental Essay [4]

Let's use a semi-colon so that this will not be a run on sentence:
As he was born with spina bifida and suffers heavily from epilepsy; his frequent trips to the hospital seem regular.

...with the specialty of pediatrics or the NICU. ----Very good! It is impressive that you have put some thought into the career you want.

Nursing is my passion, it is my future career, and it is what I was born to do.---awesome! Well, I want to tell you that many "philosophies of nursing" exist. If you learn about "nursing philosophy" by reading online, you can determine your own philosophy of nursing and give a sentence or two about it. The essay is already very good, though!

Undergraduate / From India to the US, sharing festivals and foods - Rutgers Essay New Brunswick [4]

New Jersey---capitalize

skinny , not skin

My first day of school in Edison high school is was quite tough.

capitalize Japaneese

... in US the United States, I got my first B. Athough Although I was ...

With wide range of clubs and activities, I will be able to contribute my ________ and _______ to the college. (fill in the blanks with qualities you have.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Determined with my mother + career choice" - Why UCF and family history influence. [4]

Active voice:
... high school math teacher introduced me to this excellent school. In account of my In the interest of continuing pursuit of knowledge, I decided to apply to UCF because I want to be taught by what I believe to be the best staff in all central Florida.---what makes you think this? Are you aware of any awards, research, or articles associated with faculty members in your chosen program?

Approximately eleven years ago my father passed away, and this left my mother as the sole provider for my

financially prepared...

:-)

Undergraduate / "To avoid becoming a sheep" - Common App Essay - Second try [4]


A good strategy for writing the conclusion is to try to capture the message of the essay in a single paragraph.
For the thesis, send that message in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

---single-minded people gets to you eventually. ---I think you should change this to "got to me eventually."

single-minded usually means determined! So, a different word would be better.

Truth be told, adapting my mindset to be able to interact with the people around me and simultaneously fulfill my goals hasn't been an easy task; that is, I was required to take to the road step by step. -----not a good sentence. I think I know what you mean, but if you look at the sentence objectively you'll see that it is just not a very good thing to say.

This essay needs to be rewritten with a focus on a few specific goals... or one or two career possibilities that interest you. This is very general: , I will be able to work on and fulfill my goals to the utmost of my capability.---And a lot of your claims are general. It is no good to talk about the fact that you read a lot. Instead, talk about the articles you have read, the ones that have helped you to determine what careers you want to have.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to continue my education and major in Nutrition" - writing a transfe personal essay. [4]

My decision on transferring I choose to transfer to State University of New York at Plattsburgh is because I want to be able to continue my education and major in Nutrition and be able to receive earn my Bachelors of Science in Nutrition, while taking a minor in Spanish.

While researching Plattsburgh I came up with the study abroad programs and is something I am very interested in, being able to study in a different country is an experience that many students should enjoy. You should revise this sentence. It is too complex, and I thinnk a word is missing.

The last sentence of the essay is sort of boring and insubstantial. You should leave them with something "extra" to think about.

Nutrition is a GREAT choice!!!

:-)

Book Reports / A Rebuttal to Twain's "Damned Human Race" feedback [3]

Humankind is a better word than the sexist term "man."

... not kill more then than it will eat, but what about other animals?


Hahaha, I can't help noticing that while the anaconda is doing what is necessary to survive, the humans are terrifying a lot of baby cows unnecessarily! :-)

It has been documented that coyotes will kill chickens and eat only the heads. ----wow! Where did you learn all this stuff? You made a strong argument!!

I have personally watched as my cat tortured a mouse for two hours before she finally killed it. ----another example of human callousness! :-)

Well, you reallymade a good argument, and you taught me a lot of interesting things!!

Undergraduate / The Boys in the Basement, the Dogs in the Dining Room-- Common App. Essay [4]


hahaha, very good, the reader will appreciate your entertainment after hundreds of boring essays.

simplify:
introduced to the two boys, or as I know them, Kyarheio and Mikail.

In the beginning of this essay, you wrote about some boring topics but you wrote so well that they became interesting!! I hope you have a career where you can use your talent!

From the dogs to the boys... what is the theme??? I guess I think you need to take away the dog part, because it is just so irrelevant to the main theme. You know what? I guess the dog part is completely unhelpful. I'm sorry! Nothing against the dogs... but I think you should revise this to focus on connections you can make between your parents' generosity and your intended career... can you think of connecting links between this experience and your career interests?

Undergraduate / "no greater joy than soccer" - MIT pleasure essay [4]

A lot of times, people advise essayists to use a stronger word than "things," and I guess I agree with them. Whenever you write "things," you could be writing a word that carries more feeling or imagery.

You used "whether it is,...----> or...."
and you used, "Not only ...---->but also." These two phrases are so common... I wish you would use an unexpected, interesting sentence structure instead.

I think you can dig deeper and find significance in soccer that is more than something to, "take my mind off everything else."

I not only enjoy playing soccer out in the real world, but also on my Playstation2. ------it seems like you really are just trying to tell about your love of soccer... but that is not really the point. Answer their question in a way that shows that you know how to make connections between soccer (or anything you love) and the path you are on as you attend this school and plan a career. But when you mention playstation, that is not really doing anything to help affirm your preparedness for college. :-)

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]


This is advice that reflects a profound state of mind used in reading/writing, if I may say so, which maybe I may, because I use a profound state of mind like this, too. All three of us will have different versions of it, but it involves a quality of being sensitized to the reader's experience and seeing whether the lines carry your attention along. Reading is hard work if you are being told many different things and asked to make sense of them all, but if you "branch out on each thought" you can keep the reader's attention unbroken.

I wrote all that before looking at the essay. It does not reflect anything about the essay; it's just a rant about what mustafa said.

As I look back to the essay for this characteristic of rushing...
I can see how this seems rushed: After doing both my bachelor's and master's degrees in physics I decided to take a break-----but it is because it is a long sentence. You can have a different effect with a shorter sentence, and that is probably what I would do, but it is not ALWAYS good to start with a short sentence.

But perhaps it is good not to start with an informative sentence. If someone says your writing seems rushed, look to see if you have too many informative sentences and not enough sentences to "delight" the reader's attention. I don't know why I put delight inside" " marks. I'm crazy, there is no telling what I will do. So, the point is that you should sometimes inform the reader and sometimes soothe the reader's senses or capture her interest.

Undergraduate / "DISCOVERING THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF THE ORANGE CURTAIN" -UC PROMPT 1 [6]

...constitute occupy half my time.

homogeneousness homogeneity

... a party at a Japanese friend's house where the mom made traditional Japanese food for the guests to enjoy

During the summer before senior year, a friend and I decided to start a UNICEF (United Nations Children's Fund) Club to advocate for children living in poverty. ---This is excellent!! I wish you would write a little more about this project.

The Hunger Banquet and knowledge from Contemporary World Issues has have taught me to be ....

Congratulations!! This is a good one!

Undergraduate / No money to get a tutor + Confronting my fears (my world, my contribution) [4]

One word: lifestyle

I want to carry on the torch of devotion and hope that Dr. Liu's teacher bestowed to him.----This first essay is beautiful! If you want to improve it, you should use a memorable term at the end of the first paragraph and then again in the conclusion paragraph... that way you can connect the beginning to the end.Right now the theme of the first paragraph (poverty) is different from the theme of the last (the torch of devotion and generosity.) So... make a connection between them.

To float, I would take a deep breath and lay on either my back or belly on the surface of the water. ---I was going to tell you that this detail is unnecessary, but you have such a nice way of writing that it becomes a great part of the essay! I think you should keep it.

screamed a little inside, ----hahaha, very good writing here

...strive to complete the swim that is the challenge of life. -----nice job, but at the beginning of the essay it seems like you menat you had been floating to the bottom of the pool. Did you sink, or did you stay above water? At the end, I am not sure what happened.

But anyway, this is a great, impressive essay. Both are.

Undergraduate / "To pursue a redeemed life of intellect: the how and why" UC Statement Prompt1 [5]

Hi Michelle, I just clicked over to your essay because I wanted to try to help you after I saw the great help you gave someone else -- when you mentioned the importance of giving no-nonsense, concrete explanations in the SOP. That was some great advice.


This makes me ask, "Using lit expression for what?'
How about this:
From early adolescence, I refuted rejected the lull of the mainstream in favor of seeking a deeper education and diversified intellect -- utilizing literary expression and psychology to understand the human mind.

And I feel that this intro needs another sentence to plainly state what you are all about. What is the key word or term that expresses your THEME for this academic venture?

You are missing a word here, I think, but actually I would like to just simplify...
My own pivotal psychotherapy work as patient continues to support my well-being and development as an ambitious individual, and I hope in rewarding profession to do at least this much for others.

Anyway, I can't offer much help because it is already so well written!

Undergraduate / "The field of neuroscience, Fulfilling Curiosity" UC Prompt #1, help/comments [4]


After the sexist phrasing used by Nietzsche, this reference to being the only son is a little too much. I think you should just mention being the middle child. Mentioning that you are the only son makes it sound like you have responsibilities different from those of the girls, which would not be okay.

You only mentioned "interest" one time in the essay, and interest is the subject of the quote you used as a theme. I think the essay needs to express your experience of having come to be interested in all things as the result of education.

As a result, researching and studying biology has become an ambition of mine. I hope to someday satiate my curiosity and expand my knowledge base answering questions and proposing ideas in the field of neuroscience.----Here, you should go a step further and name some topics in the field of neuroscience that most appeal to you... the topics you currently like to read books and articles about.

:-)

Undergraduate / Find "X", an aspiring math major - extended essay for Chicago's supplement [5]


Seems like these ideals are the constants that you use as reference points, and you have to use them to solve for x.

I was forced to accept that in life there is no single X that will make sense of everything around us and bring us balance.---At this part, you start telling about the experience of realizing that x was a plurality of things, but you did not explain HOW you came to this conclusion about the plurality of x.

It seems wrong that happiness is discussed in all paragraphs except the intro.

Again, I devoted my undivided attention to shinning light on its nature, and again I stumbled into baffling complexities. --- this is some very impressive writing...

:-)

Undergraduate / "my dream to become a nurse" - Rutger Application Essay; a vibrant community [6]

As a young member of the modern society, I have dreams and goals that motivate me. ------This sentence does not really have any meaning.

It is essential to learn everything that I can in order to achieve my goals one day and be able to serve the society and my country. ----again, no meaning. Too obvious.

Throughout the years I was in school, I worked hard towards my goal of becoming a nurse. ----Now I am starting to lik eit. I recommend starting the essay with this sentence. That would be great. The sentences that precede it are sentences any student could say. Your specific ambition makes you unique and interesting.

There is a wide variety of people in Rutgers that have many different backgrounds and cultures. ---Google this: transcultural nursing
Discuss it in relation to the diversity at Rutgers.

Rutgers University will help me reach my dream to become a nurse. ----instead of just saying this, you should add some words to the sentence to make it meaningful... "to achieve my dream of becoming anurse, because it has something other schools lack: __________ (fill in the blank).

:-)

Undergraduate / "Living in Iran for six years", what a experience! [3]

My parents never thought that I would ever be capable to speak of speaking proper Farsi and be able to talk with my family in that language.

I'll change your semi-colon into a colon:
...what I want to do with my life: to become a dentist.-----If you introduce this idea, you should give some explanation about why it interests you and what you want to do with the knowledge you'll gain... why dentistry?

:-)

Undergraduate / An Acoustic Lifestyle - UC Application Essay [4]

The organization needs help.

Paragraph 1:
My life is easily compared to the structure of a guitar. (add more discussion of this theme, consider the implications, and share a sentence that expresses the main idea from all of this.

Paragraph 2:
The circles on the fifth, seventh, ninth, twelfth, and fifteenth frets represent the number of times I have moved. My almost nomadic lifestyle as a young ...

Paragraph 3:
The wooden support beams on interior of the guitar signify...

Paragraph 4:
The many chords one can play on a guitar reflect ...

Paragraph 5:
Each of the six strings characterizes my various ...

Conclusion:
Once the guitar is tuned to perfection, it is ready to create magnificent music that is pleasing to the ear. These songs can be...

Great idea!!! I want to share something with you that made me a better guitarist:
youtube.com/watch?v=obFL7rsN88Q