Graduate / 'I have been fortunate enough to have my grandmother be a part of my life' - PA school motivation [5]

-Mary, I would suggest that you bring down this paragraph and bring up the 2nd paragraph because that paragraph states that your interest in the medical field started long before this event. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the 2nd paragraph contains more compelling reasons for your wishing to become a PA. Far more convincing than the story about your grandmother. After all your experience as a certified nursing assistant has more than exposed and prepared you for the world of a physician assistant. Develop the 2nd paragraph instead. I believe your essay will benefit more from that representation of yourself than this one.

- You can actually add your experience with Katie and your grandmother here as the catalyst statement that pushed you to finally decide on a PA career.I believe it would be more effective in this part of your essay rather than at the very beginning where it creates a disjointed series of paragraphs instead.

I hope my revision advice helps you. I have always believed that the best way to correct an essay is to correct the content and format mistakes first and then worry about the grammar and sentence structure errors next :-) I am looking forward to the revised essay if you do decide to revise it :-)

Writing Feedback / "Yes Scotland" - The Scottish Referendum [4]

While we can correct the grammar errors in your paper at this point, I feel that there are still a number of important content problems in your paper that should be addressed first. So please let me give you a run down of those points so you can revise the essay accordingly. We can fix the grammar issues after :-)


- Bora, I would open with a stronger statement for your timely essay. I would say something at the very start like "No to the monarchy! Down with colonized rule in Scotland! That is the growing sentiment in the country that has for centuries has been governed by the British government, bowing to the Queen of England." Don't you think that makes for the creative hook that you need in the introduction? Right now, it is too historical in nature that unless you are familiar with the history of Scotland and the British empire, you just won't be interested in reading this. You can still use the information about the referendum, you just need to get started in a more interesting way like Kevin said.


- Before you discuss the financial potential of Scotland and why it should be given independence, you should first give an overview of how Scotland came under British rule, the negative effects of that rule, and then the growing sentiments against it. Don't forget to also represent the side that supports the monarchy if there is a side that does. Then you can proceed to discuss the benefits of a free Scotland as a separate statement.


- When you present this much information in one paragraph, you are unable to do more than just say it. You are not really talking about it or discussing it. Every reason you state should be part of a separate and well developed paragraph. This will afford you the space you need in order to properly present and convince the reader that you have the right opinion on the matter. Pick only the best information to share and discuss it. Limit yourself to 2 so that you don't run out time to write the essay.


- This is a good conclusion. However, you should have only wrapped this up by summarizing the content of your essay. You should not have presented new ideas such as David Cameron. Also, never sound unsure in an essay "might be" is not as powerful statement as "will be".

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]

Adam, your sentences are almost grammatically correct. Let me correct some parts for you:-)


... becauseit makes him appear weak and shameful .


-... needs to exude a facade of strength and conviction in his decisions. Even when he is doubting the decision he made himself.

A word of advice, there is always more than one way to say something in written and spoken speech. If you are unsure about the structure, speak it out loudly, then silently. If it sounds wrong to you, it probably is and you should try another way of saying it. That is the only way you can practice expressing yourself in the written and spoken word :-)

Writing Feedback / 'good mental and body conditions' - people have different interpretation of enjoyment; TOEFL [5]

This is quite well written Kian. I like how you developed your statements in a somewhat solid manner. More discussion would be needed on the topic in order to properly shed light on the positions being discussed. This is certainly an improvement over the first one, even though I still found some grammar problems and sentence structure problems that needed to be corrected :-) I hope it helped !


- left undone


- ... than do things they...


- people's lives


- ... interpretationof personal...


- ... good wayto rest...


- ... a person who works in a... has to spend a notable number of hours ...




- using computers all...


- Next, we have the side of the people who believe that some people go about enjoyment the wrong way.


- Consider a person who works under the same previous conditions but enjoys internet surfing at the end of a work day.


- You need to clarify early in the statement that the person is doing the internet surfing during work hours at the office. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.


- Try to choose only 2 of the examples that you feel best illustrates your point. 3 examples are excessive.

All in all as you see above, the people have different interpretations (...) are different in their life . In my view people should have a good balance among different aspects of their life because human is a social creature and it is important that everyone has an effective role in society and at the same time has enjoyment forhaving good mental and body conditions.

- As previously mentioned... in their lives... between different aspects... humans are social creatures which is why... that everyone have an... has enjoyment in order to promote good mental and body conditions.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hey Jang! I am so glad that we finally got that situation with your essay prompts clarified. I too am looking forward to your revised essay in whatever way, shape, or form that the university will want to receive it. Just remember, build your essay around their prompts and you will be all right :-)

A word of advice, don't feel overwhelmed by what the essay requirements may be. Don't try to cram all the information that you think is important in there. You need to learn to choose the highlights that will make you look like a very attractive addition to their student roster. We will all be here to help you revise you essay until you get it right and perfect :-) Just don't let your desire to sell yourself to the admission officer overwhelm you. You are prone to TMI - Too Much Information. That is where the weakness of your essay lies. So you need to learn to KISS it - Keep It Short Silly instead :-)

Unfortunately, forum rules don't allow me to share my email address with you. We are an open forum where everyone's input is important and considered by those who submit their essays. Don't worry, I am not going anywhere. I promise, I will assist you with your writing for as long as you want me to :-) So don't worry so much. Everything will be fine. We are here to make sure you get the help you need with your writing ;-)

Writing Feedback / Assigning homework every day to students is necessary or not ? [3]

Hamed, my comments will be below. I will revise the essay content for you whenever possible in order to show you how to make tighter paragraphs with 2 or more thoughts included in one sentence. Compare your work with my suggestions and then revise the essay accordingly. This will be a lesson in tightening your thoughts to fit into a specific paragraph. You forgot to consider the fact that when too much homework is assigned, students no longer have time to rest even after classes. That is why some countries no longer allow teachers to assign homework on Fridays, giving students time to rest during the weekend.


- Hamed,you are really improving :-) Even though there are still grammatical issues, you have shown that you have now learned how to include the essay prompt in the introduction in the proper way.However, you did not present an opposing view to be discussed so the essay lacks a balanced point of view. We also still need to work on the development of your thesis statement.

-Teachers use homework as a way of measuring the amount of information the student has learned in class. The problem is that it often feels like there is already too much homework being assigned to students. So they spend too much time studying after school and do not really get to rest and relax their body and brain after. That is why I believe that teachers could actually be assigning too much homework.


- Hamed, not all homework assigned can be applied in daily life. Therefore, your argument about reviewing homework based on daily activities is flawed. You should choose another reason. Also, did it ever occur to you that when students receive too much homework, the student already fails to learn because he cannot concentrate long enough on one subject to actually learn and memorize it?


- You have too many examples of how assignments are good for students. But that is not the only side to this issue, you need to balance it out by presenting the other side and showing the weakness of that argument so that your side can come out looking better by the end of the essay :-)


- Try to find another way to close the essay aside from starting with "To sum up", that is already a generic way of summing up an essay. Try to be a little bit more creative in the way you close your essay.

Overall, this is a very good try at a point of view essay. I just wish you had covered both sides of the issue in order to create a better informed and balanced essay. Your efforts are noted and commended in this particular paper :-) I hope you try to revise it so that we can see the improvement that I know you can develop with practice :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "My shy girlfriend" - people should be honest [3]

Nicky, in answer to your question in another post, highlight the text and use the reply/quote button to get the same format that I do :-) Now for your essay. I hope I can help you out. It does not matter is the essay uses the same people as characters and examples, as long as you use their presence in the essay in the proper context. Meaning, whatever it is you are attributing to them is connected to the essay prompt. Such as in the case of this essay.


- While you present a nice situation opener here, you were not able to represent the prompt in the introduction. Don't forget, you need to restate that in the introduction in order to let people know what the discussion is. Do this before you present your point of view at the end of the statement. Now, let me show you how to shorten this introduction.

- My shy girlfriend would often pass notes to me in class, asking me to make statements on her behalf. She told me that she asked me to do it because she did not think it was polite to do so. While I recognize that there are some people who do not want to express their honest opinions in public, there are those who choose to do so. I am one of those people. If we don't voice out our opinions, our world will go into chaos, there won't be any true leadership and everyone will merely be followers instead of leaders. That is why I am of the opinion that people should always state their honest opinions.


- Rather showing examples every time, you should try to develop your analytical and defense skills by presenting you opinions straight out. The reason you should do this is because essays that ask for your opinion or degree of assessment expect you to discuss or argue your stance on a matter. Try that in your next essay. No examples, just say what you want to say.

-Hiding an honest opinion sometimes has its benefits. Specially in an office setting where the department heads often believe that they are better than the rank and file employees so they do not take kindly to the opinion of lower ranking employees. However, this also has its drawbacks. In case the plan of the department head fails, he will then blame his subordinates for not being honest with him. So honesty comes with some risks in certain instances. But if you are willing to accept these risks, then you should present your honest opinion.


- Again with the examples. You know what to do with this right? Revise it by going straight to the point.
- When one is asked to present an opinion, such as in the classroom or public discussion, one should do so. This encourages free thinking and exercises ones right to express himself without fear or doubt. There are no wrong or right opinions. Only honest opinions. Honest opinions often earn the respect of the teachers, professors, and other ordinary people when these are freely given and discussed or defended within reason.


I hope my comments help you out.As you can see, the essay could have been much shorter but informative. You should strive to achieve that kind of essay because it will save you time and offer you a chance to review your paper and improve it if needed with time to spare before submission. I am looking forward to the reading the second version :-)

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]


- Adam, your first paragraph just felt lacking in content to me. You seemed almost disinterested in the topic and just wanted to get it over with. Which is why I suggested that you revise it using my suggestion. An introduction needs an interesting hook and should capture the reader's attention so that he will continue reading till the end of it.


- By dividing the paragraph into 2 you will be able to better establish your line of reasoning and strengthen your argument.By providing an example separately. you will also have room to present additional evidence to support your claim. Just remember to clearly establish your argument and use acceptable examples and evidence so that you will have academic integrity to support your argument.

Don't hesitate to let me know if you have additional questions. I'll be glad to assist you whenever I can :-)

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]

Adam, let me see how I can help you with the grammar. Anything I strikeout you need to change, I'll mark that in red. My insertions will be in blue, and my comments, in green.


- I would probably have opened this paragraph with a story about a certain politician who made a mistake, refused to admit it, but then admitted his mistake anyway. Then I will mention how his admission affected the public. Then present the question the essay poses with my thesis at the end of it. For example: "When Pres. X was first accused of corruption, X was adamant that he would not resign just because of accusations, he eventually admitted his participation in the activity and resigned. At the time of his resignation, the GDP was on its way up, now it is at its lowest in 2 years. So this makes me wonder, should a leader admit if they have done something wrong or made a bad decision? I believe that he should admit his mistake but of course there are those who would say that an effective leader should not admit any mistakes because of certain reasons. "


- Before you present your reasons, you should first have presented the opposing side. Discuss what the disadvantages are when a leader admits to making a mistake. That way you will have a reason to contradict the reasons they gave. In other words, the supporting reasons will make your opposing reasons valid :-)


- This is a good example for your side of the issue. But use this as a separate paragraph to create a visual idea of how your reasons work for your discussion. First, discuss your reasons in a detailed manner that will fit the example you will be providing.


- You could actually merge these two into your concluding statement.

I hope my suggestions help you to revise the essay. While it does have grammar problems, I believe that those problems can be overlooked at the start of writing an essay in favor of creating a more solid and informative discussion first. When that is done, your grammar problems can be cleaned up :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

No problem. Let me get started on it right away :-) I'll read it and leave my comments below.


- You are jumping around here. You start off talking about your plans for your future then in the next paragraph you digress and go back to your high school experience. Once you start your essay with a look into the future, you can't look back. So I suggest that you just introduce the essay with a short anecdote about your first brush with the hospitality industry and how you felt at the time. That will serve as the introduction for the rest of your essay content.


- This is a good start. However, you are not answering the essay questions in the order that you were given the list so your essay is currently all over the place and without a solid direction. The list of questions were given to you in order to help you write your essay in the format that the admission officer needs to find out your information. Refer to the original list of questions and revise the essay to follow their question list.

I can't continue to review the essay at this point because of the fact that the most important factor, the reasons for applying to this particular university is merely a small mention in a single paragraph. There is absolutely no way an admission officer will continue reading this application because it rambles on about your high school experience that is not very relevant to the essay as it deviates too much from the prompts you were provided to discuss about your high school experience. I suggest that you expand the university discussion by going into great detail about it using the questions they provided AT THE BEGINNING OF THE ESSAY. I cannot stress this enough. You need to discuss this at the start because that is the order the essay is expected to be read in. Try to shorten your discussion of your activities and academic achievements to only the most notable ones. The portions where you excelled tremendously and showed potential for the hospitality industry will be additional positive considerations when the admission officer reads you application.

Right now, the essay is too long. Cut out all parts relating to the marching band. Do not tell them about your recommendation letter. Mention only your activities relating to the major you are applying for an play it up ( discuss it more). Tell them more about your academic strengths and shortcomings. This is not an essay about your volunteer activities. Follow the question list you were given so that the essay will have a proper format and direction. Make your informative without being too long. Summarize whenever you can. That way your essay will be more interesting to read. Talk less about your volunteer activities and more about your CPR project because the event can somehow be related to the major you are applying for.

Build up your passion for the hospitality industry with every paragraph. That will strengthen your application very much. I hope you won't be discouraged about having to revise the essay. You will probably have to write 3 more before we get it perfected. But don't worry, I will help you every step of the way. I won't give up on perfecting your essay if you won't :-)

Undergraduate / Two short personal statements: one based on diversity, the other based on growth. Which is better? [7]

In my opinion, you should work on developing your first prompt because the tale you were telling was totally relevant to the prompt and showed a side to you that admission officers usually take note of. Your openness to being helpful as a tutor will be a definite plus to the community since college students need all the help they can get. Regardless of the GPA of the student. I have a few suggestions though. Use the portion towards the end where you said you will never forget your experience at the top of your essay. Rework it as an introduction and combine it with the narration that you have in the introduction at this point. That will create the hook that this essay needs to reel in the reader. Talk more about how you developed and molded yourself into a tutor.

It would be nice to explain that your grades constantly improved since the incident and your classmates would come to you for help and unlike your friend, you never turned them down. That will show that you value friendship and camaraderie among groups. It also shows you as a supportive person who does not compete because you know that you all have your winning traits that will help you get ahead in life and that college is not the place to compete. It should be the place to help each other get to the top because once you get out of college, the real competition begins :-) I hope my suggestions work for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Happiness is one of the most vital factors for a worth-living life [3]

- You can actually strengthen this introduction by giving some examples of the definition of happiness before you launch into the introduction of the prompt and presentation of your thesis. Instead of saying this paper will give reasons why the meaning is hard to find, say instead that you will "analyze the meaning of happiness and the criteria important towards achieving it."

- ... for alife worth living . Although many people, including some well known individuals... still cannot be given a definite meaning .

- Avoid redundancies. We already know the term is hard to define.
- Immediately go into the individual definitions of happiness. You could start this paragraph this way "The dictionary defines happiness as... But people, who have had different experiences in achieving happiness define it otherwise. Some say that... Others..."

- Never start your sentence with "Because". This is not acceptable grammar. However, if you remove the period at the end of the first sentence and use a small b to spell the word, you can use "because" as part of the previous sentence. That is acceptable.

- Spellcheck - acknowledge , traveling
-... good health that helps them enjoy life, success in their careers, or simply traveling to new and wonderful places. If a person... motivationto pursue... self-development.However...... more... Once...will surely be useful in trying for new goals to make one happy.

Your conclusion suddenly showed a prompt deviation, you went from discussing happiness to discussing satisfaction. You need to revise that statement to reflect the prompt only.

Research Papers / Is android related to Computer Science? [3]

It is my opinion that your android projects are truly related to computer science mainly because mobile phones have gone beyond being just gadgets that call and text, they also act as mini computers. In expanded forms, they become tablets. In fact, Lenovo markets their tablets, which show the words Android on start up at tablet computers. Now, we all know that computer science requires knowledge of how infinite computation formulas can be implemented in computer systems. So somebody who graduates with a degree in computer science becomes a software engineer. Guess what? These are the very same people who develop android applications and systems. Since you have already worked with android applications on a developmental stage, you have the background for and experience to qualify for ms computer science. You are basically the same as a software engineer, only you work on a smaller scale of equipment and use smaller chips than someone who uses actual computers. That does not devalue your knowledge or ability in computer science. In fact, it enhances it because you have experience in a relatively new field of computer science applications. So if you are worried about what to say in your SOP, just relate your experience with android projects to computer science through the development of applications and software that will help bring forth the next computer generation :-) I hope my advice helps you out :-)

Scholarship / Weight of a full ride! Questbridge National College Match Biographical Essay [2]

You have a very engaging hook in your introduction. I definitely found myself wanting to read more. The overall essay speaks volumes about who you are and what your character is. But it can use some minor grammar corrections and sentence deletions to keep it tight and focused. I hope I can help you do that :-)


- ... numerous absences from important academic eventson my parents part .


- When we left Nepal when I was 2...

- This essay is not about your dad and his struggles. This should be all about you. So cut to your memories of struggling in America at once. Say, when we finally got to America...


- This is too long. It can be said more simply like this; "We started in a one bedroom apartment and eventually ended up in a 2-bedroom apartment in Detroit. The location was as dire as you can imagine but we stayed on because even with all the violence surrounding us, we were a happy family cloistered in our home, only venturing out to go to school or run errands. This was my first brush with the other side of peace. Violence and racism were a daily part of my life along with my brother. But rather than letting the negativity of the place affect me, I used it as my inspiration to do my best to move away from there.

- While others would view my life as one of misfortune, I choose to view it otherwise. Without the hardships we suffered as a family to get to America and the violence and racism we experienced once in America, my parents, brother, and I would not have the close relationship we have today. I would not have had the life experience and lessons that have become my driving force to help my family and myself get out of the snake pit we currently find ourselves in. But my parents can only afford to help me go so far in life. I have to go the rest of my way, to college, on my own. It is my hope that Questbridge will consider all the factors in my life and deem me worth of being awarded on of your scholarship grants.

- You need to close with a strong statement instead of constantly rehashing the negativity in your circumstances.The more hopeful and ambitious you sound in the end, the better your chances of getting the scholarship. If you can connect the negative events of your past to your plans for the future, you will definitely be on the right track with your revision :-)

Writing Feedback / 'good mental and body conditions' - people have different interpretation of enjoyment; TOEFL [5]

Kian, we need to revise some parts of your essay. You are using terms that you are not familiar with and therefore cannot spell properly nor use in the correct context. Please refer to everything in green, which are my comments, blue which are my insertions, and red which are revisions.


-Your introduction is weak because you failed to restate the prompt at the beginning and then properly explain the basis for your thesis statement.
- The 21st century lifestyle of over-work and almost no time for leisure is taking its toll on people. That is why people have many personal errands, those things they need to do, left undone. Why is that? Well, I believe that people would rather relax and de-stress via personal enjoyment rather than do the things they need to do in order to rest their bodies and minds.

While you present good arguments in support of your reasons, you failed to represent the opposing view which in return, made the content of your essay weak. You need to always present both sides of the argument in any essay in order to create a solid foundation for your point of view. I suggest that you discuss the other side in one paragraph. The statement can present the point of view that people spend too much time doing what they need to do instead of attending to personal enjoyment.This should bring a balanced discussion to your essay. Once you have fixed the content problems, we can move on to cleaning up the grammar of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / 'the major I plan to pursue, Animal Sciences' - top 5 reasons to be a Hokie [3]

Let me see if I can cut out 6 words for you :-)




This is a very good concise essay. You covered the 5 reasons and then some. I only wish you had more than 250 words to be able to really express yourself. But I believe I was able to cut out6 words for you to meet the word count? I counted a total of 6. Did you come up with the same?

Undergraduate / "I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN!"; Music never goes unnoticed. [4]


- Paige, my suggestion is that you revise your introduction so that you can immediately introduce your experience with the music program of the school. Don't mention anything else about your school activities because, as we all know, the music programs in high schools in the United States are in danger of becoming extinct. So this is truly something that goes unnoticed and should be of importance to you. Bring the second paragraph up as an introduction and merge it with what you said about the music program. Then jump to your choir participation and talk about how important your participation there was to you. Mention the lessons you learned from the choirmaster or from competitions that you won and lost.

At this point, your draft is not really going int he direction of the prompt. You spend too much time discussing unrelated events at the beginning so it really distracted from the focus of the paper. I would rather that you choose just one topic and build it up based upon the essay prompt. I know that it can be hard to do that but that is why we are here to assist you and give suggestions. In this case, focus on either music or your membership in the choir, both are dying educational departments whose importance is going unnoticed these days. We can slowly help you bring this essay towards the prompt direction as you continue to revise the essay. I look forward to your next version :-)

Writing Feedback / I went to Thailand this summer for a school service trip - Narrative Essay [6]

Gilchrist, just a few grammatical revisions and comments on my part. The essay is too long so I will try to help you cut it down to only the important parts :-) Please compare my rewritten version to your own and let me know if you like the changes. You are free to use whichever parts you want.

- When I went to Thaliand for a school service summer trip, I experienced a culture totally different from what I was used to. Not having any background in Thai, I knew this was going to be an interesting trip. Living in the small village of Udon Thai taught me a lot about the closeness of the Thai who live in small villages. People here were highly sociable and chose not to cook so they could eat out and bond with friends and family. This was a rural area filled with farmers so they were really proud to show off their grains and produce to the tourists. While they had little to offer in terms of wealth, they offered us social acceptance and a warm place to stay instead.

- Wanting to fit in on our first day there, we helped to build a house for a local family. We actually did something new each day. The activities ranged from playing soccer with the locals or teaching the local kids how to swim. Language was not a problem for us, apparently the honest friendship shared between people overcomes that obstacle. On adventurous days, the locals would dare us to eat exotic food like larvae and crickets. We were not used to it but we tried it just to see if we would like it. Plus we did not want to be rude to our hosts. So we ended up teaching them about America, while they taught us about Thaliand. It was a fair exchange of cultures.

Thailand we had 3 meals a day...

- This could have been simply covered in the previous paragraph had it been better structured. See my revision for reference.

- Before we left, we did "food on flip-flops" which was just a way of sharing food with neighbors. It then that we met an 80 year old woman who asked us if we had a cure for the cancer that ailed her. I felt sad knowing that she was suffering and I could not do anything to help except bring her food. On our last night, we participated in a traditional Thai dance party and lighted lanterns as a way of saying goodbye.

- If this is your concluding statement, it has to be revised. You cannot introduce new ideas and experiences at this point. Instead, make this a separate paragraph and then write a new conclusion that summarizes the trip for you.

Undergraduate / A Cheerleader - a snobby girl who is usually self-centered and typically not intelligent - UF [4]

I guess I am missing something here because I thought the main purpose of the essay was not to simply look back on your past but also to develop an important plan for your future as a student at the university. With that in mind, I expected to read something about your high school accomplishments as a cheerleader and then read a specific example regarding how you will apply those accomplishments in college. Perhaps by representing your department in the student government? Leading school spirit activities? Joining a specific sorority house? Or maybe even volunteering to help fellow cheerleaders who are failing in their classes. I just wanted to read something that showed me an idea of what your plans were for the duration of your college stay based upon your past experiences. It seemed like this essay was asking for that kind of information. Like I said, I could be wrong.but the essay prompt did as you to tell the reader/ admission officer;


, I thought I would see that sort of connection. Right now, the connection, in my point of view, is very weak.

Scholarship / 'Our dependence on fossil fuel..' - POS for M.sc international scholarship in sustainable energy [4]

Kindly provide us with a copy of all of thew requirements for the essay. That inckudes the essay prompt, word count and any other important instructions that oneed to be noted as we proofread your paper. Unless you provide us with the guidelines for reviewing your paper,it will be impossible for us to do so. Get the information to us aso soon as possible so that we can assist you as soon as possible. had you provided the information previously, you would have gotten responses to your paper by now. I look forward to reviewving further instructions from you within the shortest timew frame possible. Thanks .

By the way, wqe will also needinformation abiut th scholarship so that wqe can figure out how tobest present your activities in light of the scholarship requirements. So don't forget ito provide that information asa well.

Letters / 'Dear Australian Consulate General Hanoi, Vietnam' - visa application [2]

Mervian, you should not have this letter in an outline form. You need to revise the format and do it as a formal letter to the Australian embassy. You should relate the accomplishments of your family members, specifically your mother and father, and then explain how they were able to achieve academic and professional excellence due to their opportunity to study overseas ( if they did that). Then explain how you wish to follow in their footsteps so that you will have a solid basis for your request. You can quote their study experience and use that as proof that you do not plan to tarnish the name of your family by staying away from Vietnam longer than you have to. You need to emphasize your patriotism in this letter as you request for their permission to study in Australia.

Explain what course you plan on studying in Australia and then connect it to your return to Vietnam. Outline your plans upon your return after graduation. Make sure to emphasize your plan to give back to Vietnam because of your desire to create a connection between Australia and Vietnam. Let them know that you plan to promote Vietnam while in Australia and then you will promote Australia in Vietnam upon your return. That way you can show a cultural exchange of sorts that will benefit both economies in the long run.

Finally, let them know that you are willing to do a personal interview with them in order to further discuss your plans or clarify any of their questions if they have any. Give your contact details and let them know they can contact you anytime they wish.

Most of the necessary ideas are in this version of your essay. You just need to develop it further :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice - Families are a group of people bonded by blood relations [5]

naresh, let's see if I can help you clean up the introduction and then offer you some additional advice.


- Families are a group of people bonded by blood relations. The evolution of the family unit progressed with the change in the lifestyle of its members. More work and school time meant an unintentional segregation of the family members.By considering how families have needed to evolve over time, this paper will try to present reasons based upon researched facts and my personal experience as well.


- One of the major reasons for the lack of family closeness has to do with the shortage of time. Parents are busy working to keep the family financially afloat and children need to concentrate on their studies in order to prepare for their future. Overtime at work and extra study time after school leaves very little time for families to communicate or even share a meal at the end of the day. Without the chance to share daily life experiences, family begin to lose their ability to communicate and get to know one another. So when the time comes that families finally share some bonding time, it ends up becoming a war zone as they barely know each other by that point.


- Rather than using a caretaker as an example, why not discuss the effects of divorce on the family unit instead? Divorce is one of the main reasons that the family unit has began to dissolve in the 21st century.


- You should try to develop more suggestions for family time that are not as common as the suggestions you have made now. Perhaps using technology to the advantage of family time. Connecting via FB, Twitter, or the like should help create a bonding channel between families.

As of now, this is a good essay. You just need to develop certain points and also write a concluding statement as well :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE: Nation's culture and traditions are mainly maintained and generated in major cities [3]


- While you presented an acceptable introduction to the essay and did very well in rephrasing the prompt, I did not see any indication of you taking a stand on the matter. So it is unclear to the reader as to whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Kindly add that to the statement in order to complete the introduction process :-)

... about the protection of cultural values... Thus the government should find the true places where the country's culture and tradition are truly developed and support that region to help boost their tourism industry which will be good for the economy of the country.


- ... true that... There are a plethora... Most of these cities do not have many...
- Good reasoning Xatutik!


- ... where a nation's... These small towns do not... maintain themselves while preservingtheir tradition and cultural centers. Thus... For example, take Tatev, an ancient... After the government drew... rebuilt the roads, and built...

- You should use this statement as your personal point of view that strengthens your disagreement on the topic.


- Once you reiterate your disagreement in the last sentence, you will have written a good conclusion :-)

I hope you can consider my suggestions and recommendations helpful towards the improvement of your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / While the wealthy nations are getting richer, developing countries are struggling with the poverty [5]

Please note the suggestions and recommendations that I will have marked in red, blue, and green for you :-)


- Your introduction is good. However, it is too straight forward. You should have introduced the topic in an informative manner first.
- Our world economies have been gripped in the throes of bankruptcy for over 10 years now. The European Union almost collapsed under the weight of their own economic troubles. The United States slid into 3 recessions before stabilizing. 2 continents that used to be economic power houses were almost bought to their knees by economic problems in their nations. With that said, it still puzzles me to realize that the leading world economies are still just that and the 3rd world countries, still struggle to survive economically. Why can't the 3rd world countries compete? What is keeping them behind the pack? In my point of view, the inequality between rich and poor nations have become wider than ever before and something must be done if we are to reduce this economic gap for the betterment of world relations.


- 3rd world countries have always been so poor that most of their citizens remain little to uneducated. Very few of them can afford to go to college and higher levels of study due to economic incapacity. Most of their younger population start to work as street vendors or in factories and sweat houses at an early age. They learn how to identify money values and make change even before they learn how to read or write. The overwhelming need for income defeats the desire of any parent to sent the child to school. Why send a child to work if he can already help support the family?

- From this point you can make suggestions such as better government or international NGO support for free education in the third world. Something along the lines of teaching the children a trade that will help them improve in life while they complete a basic education, or something else. You can work that information into your paragraph about the need to further educate the children and young adults in the 3rd world. That combination is sure to work for the betterment of your paper.


- Conclude instead with a statement that suggest that because lack of education is what is dividing the economies of the world, the first world countries should band together to help the 3rd world develop their educational programs which will hopefully help to lessen the inequality between the rich and poor countries in your point of view. Don't forget the format of the conclusion, restate the thesis, summarize, and conclude :-)

Writing Feedback / Modern technology, such as chemical fertilizer is dangerous to human health and local communities [8]

Nasir, there are a number of grammatical problems with your essay. However, that is not my main concern at the moment. For now, we should work on developing the content of your essay because, although you present good ideas, you lack information in your presentation that would have helped make this paper seem more academic and authoritative. So we should apply corrections to the body of the essay before we fix any other problems. I have noted my comments for you in green text. I hope my suggestions help you out :-)


- You could further improve this statement by including some simple exams that support the side that agrees and disagrees to use fertilizers. The reason you need to do this is because you introduction is too short and does give a thorough idea of the thesis statement for this essayand then presentingyour own point of view as a thesis statement at the end.


- This idea is not thoroughly developed and is confusing to read. You have actually presented2 issues that will support the use of fertilizers, the need to increase the amount of the harvest due to (2nd reason) an ever increasing population. So you have to discuss how using chemical fertilizers benefit people in these terms. Discuss things such as vitamin enhanced rice harvests, larger potato sizes (that can feed 2-3 persons instead of 1), and other similar harvest to population issues.


- Please develop this discussion from a health stand point. Do some research into the dangers of chemicals in fertilizers that, over long term ingestion, causes negative health issues for the people who consume them. Look into the methods by which the fertilizers contaminate the food and report on what the health discovered were. Just one or two examples will suffice.


- Further improvement on this claim can be done by offering facts and figures relating to soil poisoning or habitat destruction of certain animals due to certain chemicals in fertilizers. Google search can help you with this.


- Don't present additional ideas in your conclusion. Your idea for new methods of fertilizing should be developed as a separate paragraph. Your conclusion should only summarize the thesis and facts so that you can deliver a closing statement.

Essays / The topic i chose is DEATH! with the technique of narrative essay [6]

So, a narrative essay is supposed to tell a story that comes from your personal experience. That said, you may want to rethink death as a topic for it. In the introduction, mention what kind of personal experience you will be talking about. Is it a learning, adventure, or thought provoking experience.You know what I mean :-) Write the narrative in a way that it would seem like a written version of a 3-D movie that includes the reader's sense of sight, smell, emotions, or sensations whenever possible. A little character dialogue might be in order if you are talking about something that you did with another person or a group of people.

I guess one of the most important considerations for your essay will be the way that you set the tone for your reader in the plot. Consider the narrative a short creative story that needs to have a plot, setting, characters, and of course, the conclusion. So basically, to write the narrative, you need to simply tell the story in a very engaging way. You can look up short narrative samples on the web if you are still unclear about how to get started. You might find an inspiration there that can help you jump-start your narrative essay :-)

Writing Feedback / One of the dangerous threat to our planet is climate change - ielts task 2 [2]

There are a number of sentence structure and grammar errors in the paper but we cannot address those problems until we fix the problem regarding the content of the paper. My notes can be found below. Use it as your guide when writing the 2nd draft of this essay. Those should help improve the content and discussion points of the paper :-)


- A revision is in order for your introductory sentence. The rules of IBC essay writing state that you need to first introduce the topic you will be discussing to the reader. Then state some facts that you will be discussing the essay. Finally, state your thesis for the paper which in this case, will be your personal opinion on the matter being discussed.


- Relate your first few reasons to the lack of political will power often found in national governments in terms of their support for climate change programs. Surely the economy is not the only reason for their lack of political will. Campaign donations and lobby groups also play an important part in this game. I suggest you look it up and then include the facts that you find in this paragraph.


- Make suggestions on how the government can participate in reversing climate change instead of just saying we cannot do it without the government's help. That will show that you have a thorough understanding and plan of action for the problem we are facing.


- Watch out for capitalization problems. The first word of every sentence always starts with a capital letter. Do not state new ideas in the conclusion. Just summarize your previous discussion and conclude it for the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: "CLIMATE CHANGE" - politicians should take a step to save our environment [3]


- Yulis, I would suggest that you mention some of the severe climate changes that disturb the way man and animals conduct their lives on earth as part of your introduction. That way, when you mention consumerism and political action, the reasons why you said you believe in that is already implied.


- Merge your opinion with your previous paragraph. This is supposed to be the thesis statement of your essay.


- Again, the two paragraphs discuss the same topic so they need to be read as only one paragraph. Further develop the section using additional information that is ready available via Google search under the keywords climate change.


- Instead of this paragraph, you need to discuss the reasons why you believe that politicians are not doing enough to help control or reverse climate change. Is it corruption? Is it lack of interest? Political lobbying? What are the reasons they refuse to take serious action in your opinion?


- Remember the rules for concluding an essay, restate your thesis, summarize the important facts then conclude.Those criteria are not currently present in this conclusion.

I suggest you revise the paper based on my guidelines first, Then we will look into revising the grammar problems of the paper :-)

Writing Feedback / Should we take action at once? 'patience have great range influence in our life' [6]

Mabel, don't worry. You will get to my level of writing through constant practice. So don't stop writing essays and more importantly, don't stop reading materials in English. Look up word meanings in a dictionary and encyclopedia if you have to. Don't quit. We are here to make sure that you get all the moral support and help that you need in achieving your goal. I know it looks difficult for you at the moment. But you will overcome the obstacles with perseverance and assistance :-) So keep those essays coming. We will make sure to help you reach a level of essay writing that you will be comfortable with in the future.

I suggest that you try to do this now. Read the way I wrote the corrections for your essay. Then try to revise your essay again. Base your new version upon the corrections and suggestions that I made. Try to spot the differences between the two papers and then note it. When you write another essay, look up the notes you wrote about the first one so that you will know what to avoid and what to add in the new essay. That should help you develop the confidence that you need to improve your essay writing skills. The new paper will show your development as a writer for sure regardless of how little the progress is :-)

Scholarship / 'Our dependence on fossil fuel..' - POS for M.sc international scholarship in sustainable energy [4]

You have presented a highly interesting essay for us to consider. However, without any instructions from you such as the essay prompt or what you expect us to review, revise, or proof read for you, we will be unable to help you with this scholarship statement.

I can tell you that this paper is very strong and informative. But it has problems with paragraph placements. You have 3 separate discussions compressed into one paragraph in your first paragraph. You should present each topic as a separate paragraph so as not to confuse your readers. We need to know when another topic will be introduced. Also, by dividing the subjects by paragraph, you have more room to develop your discussion and present your facts.

Your relevant experience portion is under developed because you only mention the activities you participated in but did not mention how it helped you develop your interest in this field further. I would suggest that you do that in order to show the course of your training in relation to the scholarship program you are applying for.

Perhaps you could also discuss how you came across the scholarship program. What objectives you share with them, your plans for the future, how the scholarship program fits into those plans and what you can do for the further advancement of the scholarship foundation in the future. I saw that you did not touch on those prompts which are normal parts of scholarship application essays.

Of course my suggestions may change once you provide the prompt and other guidelines for your paper :-) So I am looking forward to reading those soon.

Undergraduate / 'Finding a cure to a genetic disease such as ALD was legendary to me'; UPENN Supplement [3]

- Admission officers know a suck up statement when they read one. Skip this. They already know they have an excellent institution. They want to know about you and your plans for studying there.

- I intend to double major in biology and anthropology. I will do that because I believe that the greatest scientific discoveries all stem from an understanding of the human body and society from past to present. The best scientific minds understand the connection and the evolution of human society with medical science, just like the Odone's did in their own way.



_- I specifically would like to pursue an opportunity to study at the partner school of Penn, the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, where amazing learning opportunities await students in the field of biology and genetics.

[quote=moogle123]Deeply interested Hispanic culture, I plan to minor in Hispanic Studies. Spending seven years with people from across the globe at my summer camp, I couldn't wait to know enough Spanish to hold a conversation with my best friend, Tatiana. The Penn Summer Abroad Program in Madrid interests me as it gives students the opportunity to experience Spanish culture and living as well as learn and perfect the Spanish language. [ /quote]

- This is not related nor relevant to your title choice for this essay. Do not include this because it only takes up needed space and deviates from the focus of the essay.

- No relation to the focus of your essay. Unless this was previously required in the prompt?

- Don't present new information at the end of your essay. Most specially, do not play the "traditional family school card" because your father's being an alumna of the school will not influence the admission officer or committee. Your academic credentials should speak for yourself. Be fair to the other applicants. Those on the committee who know your father will know you are his child through other aspects of your application. There is no need to point this out.

Undergraduate / 'Losing him was losing not just a father but also a best friend' - UC prompt #1 Life experience [4]




- ... melancholic


Aside from those few errors that I would like you to correct I really don't see anything else that needs to be corrected or added to your life experience essay. You took your reader on an interesting trip down memory lane. From the saddest point in your life, your spiral into darkness, and then finally, your rise from the ashes. Almost like a phoenix rising. This is work should be applauded for considering all the important aspects of your life changing experience. You certainly presented the best and worst of yourself in this paper. You took a risk by opening yourself up that way and it paid off for you in my opinion. Good luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / USNA Personal Statement - opportunity to study Aerospace engineering at the academy [3]

My advice, would be to separate the various subject sentences into paragraphs so that the reader will know to expect a new discussion. Right now, you have the inspiration from your father and your interest in the naval academy aerospace program all in the same paragraph. Normally, the better set up would be, introduction first (father's influence) and then the naval academy next (reasons you chose to attend the naval academy). Also, if you are looking at the possibility of working 3 jobs, I suggest that you at least give an overview of how you intend to work and complete the rigorous naval training the academy provides. Just so they will get an idea of how you plan to overcome the obstacles that your employment may present when considering the academic and physical requirements of the academy. After all, you have already mentioned that you know how to persevere and overcome obstacles, you just need to explain a little bit more because working 3 jobs is almost as demanding as attending the naval academy :-) I believe that doing that will add further conviction in your paper about your devotion and sincerity about wanting to attend the naval academy.

Undergraduate / Tell UoPeople a little bit about your village, city, region or country and what makes it unique. [5]

hor, let me see how I can help you take the word count down :-)

-I come from Batam Island in Indonesia. It is an island known for hospitable people whose friendly smile and warm greeting of "Selamat-datang" upon arrival or "Selamat- tinggal" upon departure to see the guests off. It is this kind of jolly atmosphere that makes the accommodations and swimming in our beaches very safe.The fresh seafood and fruits are also a major food attraction. Tourists also get a unique viewing experience during their visit. A view of neighboring Singapore from our beaches.

- The word count is now down to 81 and nothing was lost in translation :-)

Writing Feedback / Grandmother, the inspiration of my life (her pictures, love, and sacrifice) [5]

Hi Vietan :-) You came to the right place. Let me see what I can assist you with here. The text corrections will be in red, added words in blue, and any comments I have will be in green :)

- I still remember the pictures and actions of my grandmother, the woman who loved and sacrificed for me the most. My father grew up... south of Vietnam. After they married, they raised their family in the south. Due to the distance between the north and south, I could not visit my grandparents regularly. Fortunately, The Tet holiday when I was 7 years old was a good time for my parents to take a vacation. They took me to visit my grandparents for a month since they had not seen me since I was born.

- This is a good introduction. You explained where you came from, the reasons you could not visit your grandparents, and then provided an interesting hook, the Tet holiday and the fact that finally got to visit your grandparents.

- I do not understand how this paragraph relates to what you said about her love and sacrifice for you. Nothing in the essay touches on that topic except the hawker. It would be wise at this point to revise your essay before any other grammar corrections are made because your content deviated from the prompt or title of your essay.

Once you revise the content of the essay to follow your thesis statement in the introduction more closely, we can review it for content again and, if it proves to be alright, we can start working on the grammar issues :-)

Undergraduate / Tell UoPeople a little bit about your village, city, region or country and what makes it unique. [5]

While you presented a very interesting overview of your island, I believe that you could have told people more about your village if you had concentrated on only the best feature of your island, the people itself. Describe the friendliness of the people. Being a tourist destination, how can people who visit expect to be treated upon their arrival? Are the locals friendly? Warm? Hospitable? What is the unique character trait of the people from your island that would make tourists come back to it?

The reason that I suggest this is because tourists often say that the most interesting and unique part of their travel comes from meeting and mingling with the natives of the island. So if you discuss that within 100 words, I am sure that you will be able to not only describe your island as you did in this version of the essay, but you will be able to paint an accurate picture of the uniqueness of your island :-)

I would suggest that you revise your essay content-wise before we more on to highly minimal grammar and sentence structure issues in the paper. Make this the best it can be in terms of content and everything else will fall into place :-)

Writing Feedback / 'It was at that moment I realized my mistake' - sample from my autobiography; college essay [2]


- You should have put "It was then that I realized my mistake" at the end of the paragraph because that is your thesis statement.

This is a very good creative story. You have me hooked from the first paragraph and took me along on your damned sea voyage. I wish I could have read more. There were a lot more plot points that you could have developed but I guess you have a word count limit. This is an excellent effort at writing an essay :-) Keep up the good work !

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

While I admire the accomplishments that you had during your high school year, that particular Q&A was only the last part of the essay. You neglected to develop your answers the all too important first part of the essay that asked you to explain:


Your discussion of those 3 points should be longer and more detailed than the information about your high school experience. In fact, your high school experience should directly relate to your decision to attend the university as an HM major. Please believe me when I say that you spent too much time discussing high school when you should have been concentrating on the above 3 questions about college instead. I suggest that you answer the essay using the questions guide as the format for answering the questions in paragraph form. That way you are sure you have answered all the questions and detailed your answer in the manner that the admission officer expects to read it in. Remember, your reasons for attending the university is more important than all of the high school experience that you discussed. Shorten that part of your essay and this essay just might work :-)

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

- ... I had the opportunity to work with some of the best community volunteer students. One of them being XXX who , after having known him for the past two years, proved to be a studious, hard-working, and responsible member of our organization and high school. So I was more than happy to assist him in his quest for admission to your university. I recommend him for undergraduate studies there based upon two reasons;

First,


- Under developed sentence. How did he prove that he can bring value everywhere? What did you see him do or accomplish to that effect?



- Every time you write organization with a capital O in the middle of a sentence, change it a lower case o. Capitalization is only used at the start of sentences and when referring to a title or in your case, the organization name. Review your capitalization usage.


- I am not sure how this sentence fits in because you did not have a build up to this statement. Kindly explain about this point of view in the essay to make it clear to the reader .

- Not all universities take kindly to activist students. I suggest you don't use this sample of this as a tribute to his conviction as a student. Instead, show him in an environment or situation where he shared his wisdom with you that did not involve a protest rally.


- That is why I am giving him my strongest recommendation for acceptance to your college.

Undergraduate / Since its opening, I have always considered Snow Mountain as a place of comfort; common app essay [3]

You certainly created a well discussed essay that not only shows how you were totally content and peaceful, along with inspired to learn by Snow Mountain. Aside from my suggested edits, I don't believe you should change anything else :-)


- aging is not the proper term. instead say :My other cousins who also stayed with my grandparents were growing into..."


- to manage the restaurant alone .



- I was intrigued by the way my grandparents...


- I made mental notes about the kinds of foods that they said were profitable and the best locations for food supplies.



- ... pursue my interests in ...