Scholarship / Commitment of celebrating diverse cultures-Annika Rodriguez Program [10]

Yes, this essay makes you seem like a serious student with good intentions. And it shows that you write well! I'll look at this sentence with you right now, in case you have not yet submitted this:

Therefore, I was very grateful of the fact that I was when given this opportunity to make a difference and to promote the beauty of different cultures. (now add a short sentence... a sentence with only 5 or 10 words. Let it leave the reader with your main concept, so she can think about it while transitioning to paragraph 2).

Above, I am suggesting you add a short sentence to the end of paragraph one. Let it contain a "magic word" that represents the main theme for the whole essay.

:-)

"Who knows?Maybe I will carry out another International Potluck."But I'm not sure if my "element of humor" is suitable in this case.---Yes, it is appropriate. Also, it is such a great concept that I think it is best if you do mention it more than once. Go for it. You really should feel confident because of the int. potluck concept. No matter what happens with your efforts to gain admittance into one program or another, keep your spirits up because this essay reflects a personality with great potential!

Undergraduate / "A special biology teacher" - Essay A - "Someone who has made an impact..." [3]


I think "my" should be changed to "our" to be consistent with the 1st person plural perspective you have been using in the paragraph.

Also, add the word "we" to that sentence.
One other thing about that sentence: It seems like you are saying that putting up with teachers made you realize how difficult it must be for them to put up with you. It seems like a very negative outlook! You could say teachers deserve admiration because they want to improve the world by positively influencing the next generation.

:-)

And I'll make a small change here:
...because I knew that she was the best Biology teacher in the school.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc Environmental Economics & Climate Change@LSE [7]

It's good to ask around... give some help to other essayists and link them to your thread so you can get multiple perspectives! :-)

Undergraduate / "Mathematics in Poetry" - My Response To This Math Quote [3]


Look at this material to see what you actually say. If I shared that quote with anyone, they could come up with "happiness can be found in math" as the meaning. This is just too simple. You have to look deeper.

I see how well you write, so all you need is some guidance for looking deeply at a sentence. What is the "spirit of delight?" He chose these words for a reason. Russel and other masters of language do not just express normal ideas in beautiful ways; they express profound ideas, and they have to use language in sophisticated ways to convey the meaning.

So... begin by asking about the spirit of delight.
Next, it would be good to compare and contrast math and poetry.
Get analytical about it, and enjoy tearing this idea apart. Anything you come up with will be cool if you start by digging deep.

As someone with natural writing ability, and (more importantly) the ability to write in a natural way, YOU are going to be very good at this. But you need to speculate about the terms spirit of delight, math, and poetry...

Graduate / "theoretical knowledge into practice" - Statement for Chemical Engineering ( Ph.D.) [4]


yes! It should be...

It is this desire for learning, invention and teaching that has made me decide to continue my education towards a Ph.D. degree.----too vague. You should have another sentence after this before ending the first para. Don't leave the reader hanging on an ambiguity.

End that first para with a statement of what you are all about... something to help them make sense of you in their minds.

I have full ‎confidence that my diligence, dedication, and genuine interest in learning coupled ‎with the exceptional guidance I can receive in University of XXX will allow me to ‎contribute to my fields of interest. ---here is another important sentence. This one should be changed so that it refers to that main theme... not "dedication and interest in learning," but instead a specific intention to accomplish some specific goals in your chosen field. Nevermind interest in learning. The point is to show them that you are in the process of making a specific contribution, so you should choose some specific goals and explain why this program is better than all your alternative options for sending you along the path you have chosen.

The accomplishments you describe are impressive, and I think I could not survive in the classes you have taken! I am only criticizing the main focus of the essay to try to help you... It is too wishy washy at the beginning and end.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I am a cellist" common app short response [5]

We can avoid an incomplete sentence here by using a dash:
No, this is a different kind of labor, a refined labor, a labor of love -- one of melodic precision and tedious preparation, one that requires years of honing and hours of grueling concentration.

Yes, this is indeed some rhythmic writing... I like it!

Do not capitalize after a semi-colon:
...give me the Eight String Quartet, and I could give an hour lecture on the notes D, E-flat, C, and B. But this would merely scratch the surface of my musical profile. instead of my musical profile, refer to the complexity of music. It will accomplish the same effect without boasting.

No, I do not play the bass, and yes, there is a difference between band and orchestra, so please learn it. ----I like the spunkiness of this, but when AO readers are trying to decide who to accept and who to disappoint, this gives them a little negative feeling toward you...just a little. And besides, right now you are being the kind of musician called an essayist, and it is the job of an essayist to EXPLAIN, so instead of the imperative "please learn it," you could give a few words to express the difference. I do not think there is a difference between band and orchestra, so I challenge you to an argument! :-)

Congratulations, though, on this great piece of writing. It comes out of nowhere when it is inspired, just like music.

Undergraduate / appreciative attitude, leadership - What can I contribute to a Summer Program [2]

Yeah, the first sentence is a statement of the obvious. Even though it is nicely written, it is too obvious to be interesting.

I suggest a word other than opportunistic -- ambitious, maybe -- because opportunistic carries negative connotations.

For example, I visited my brother in Wilmington. Even though he had to work most of the time while I was there, I took that opportunity to explore Wilmington on my own.----If you say this, it makes the reader think you cannot come up with any examples that are more impressive... exploring a city is not as impressive as other things you have done...

If there is a group project, I am usually the one who contributes the ideas and takes the responsibility of being the leader. ----This is a good, substantial example.

I am an opportunistic and appreciative person. ----this is just an empty claim

I want to be a shoulder for them to lean on.---this is another good sentence
You need more good sentences about real experiences and intentions. What is going on with your career, which will be starting only a few summers and winters from now? Let's discuss your enthusiasm as a product of your aspiration.

Like I said, once I enter a community it will impact people around me.---this is not a strong theme. It is meaningful, but it is too obvious.

I think your focus on enthusiasm is great, so take out some of the less important sentences and make room for more discussion of the vision for the future that makes you so enthusiastic.

Undergraduate / BE SUCCINT: WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR WHEN WRITING UNDERGRAD ESSAYS [5]

I like this thread a lot. Instead of thinking of "succinct" I often think of brevity. I appreciate brevity so much that, sometimes, I order my coffee by saying, "Medium regular!" even though I actually would prefer milk instead of cream.


It is a challenge to see if you understand the quote. Look online, see what others have said, and make sure your essay contributes meaningfully to the discourse that is happening.

Undergraduate / "service is a part of its mission" - Pepperdine essay advice/help [3]

Almost a year before earlier, I had made the decision to go on this trip.

The everyday conversations that I had with the students served as great times opportunities for them to learn and also as a great experience for me. I admire the enthusiasm of the students. Their willingness to learn and the effort they put into their learning is are attributes I admire and (already said this) try to reflect in my own life.

The eagerness of the students to learn and the happiness that learning brought to them was a source were sources of joy for me.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I had to take a physical education class" - does this answer the UC prompt 1? [3]

I think it is good to use a title whenever possible. It helps the reader to start understanding what you are trying to say.

When I was growing up, my parents taught me to eat all the food on my plate and to never waste any food.

They didn't want me to ever be hungry like them they had been when they where growing up and couldn't afford to buy food.

He said that I was a little bit over weight and that made me realize something. I couldn't blame others for teasing my about my weight because it was my fault.----no, teasing is not your fault. Teasing occurs because people give in to the dark side of the human spirit. It is okay to be a little overweight. Just find time to drink water and exercise every morning. Do that, and eat some fruits and vegetables each day... what else can anyone ask?

...inspired me to pursue a career in the health care field. That experience made me want to change people's live through the power of food.----This is good, but I would like you to name at least 3 to 5 specific goals, specific kinds of therapy you would like to give, and/or specific kinds of patients you would like to work with. Is it just nutrition that interests you, or are you interested in other aspects of health?

:-)

Undergraduate / BE SUCCINT: WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR WHEN WRITING UNDERGRAD ESSAYS [5]


Excellent advice here. And for those essayists who are of a more vegetarian persuasion, this means it is important to tell the reader something significant with each sentence of the essay. Do not waste any words on sentences that express abstract ideals and ill-defined aspirations.

I would rather read an awkwardly written sentence about an aspiration to do something for a specific reason than a beautifully written sentence that expresses a general interest or makes a vague assertion.

Let the reader know your specific interests and also what specific motivators drive you toward success.

Thanks, Andy!

Graduate / "International affairs, economics" - Program of Study in the USA- for muskie program [2]

Capitalize Middle.

... became closer to me since my work with UNHCR.

I was wo rking at the as a senior field clerk - under the protection unit.

...was the course I successfully passed in UNHCR.(before you end the paragraph, give a sentence to tell what insights you drew from these experiences.

Beside my responsibility at the workplace, I discovered that I ...

Capitalize the first word of the sentence:
What are the different aspects of conflicts- based on...

What is a influence of economic on conflicts, what are the possible decisions, what are the tools to control the influence of one State to another, and what are the contemporary diplomatic approach of conflict resolutions?

... and achieving the main goal- peace and security in the region.---This is a very nice ending.

Undergraduate / "My experience practicing Tae Kwon Do " - Yale Supplement, 500 word essay [3]

At first, I felt tempted to retire back into the safety of my previous dojo with its familiar mildness.

All I had to show for my efforts besides that was an injured foot. ---Alright, this is a great essay. At first, I thought it was going to be weak, but you did a great job... mostly because you took this as an opportunity to show what a great writer you are.

It will help if you can talk about your chosen career in terms of TKD... what does this athlete know about the field he is trying to enter, and how does it affect his mental discipline?

It will also help if you can give one of your most interesting, entertaining sentences at the end of the first paragraph to intrigue the reader.

Graduate / "From France to the US to study" - Muskie application essay [2]

You are impressive! Your English needs a lot of improvement, so I hope you practice typing every sentence ten times the correct way.

The crash of Soviet Union, Civil war, loss of Abkhazian Region and thousands homeless IDPs -- was the Georgian reality where I grew.

Studying at school and preparing my homework after lighting a candle, I knew that I wanted some positive changes.

"I decide -- to continue my study and become active, becoming if necessary the engine for future changes." This is a sentence from my old notebook.,dated 1997.---This sentence is excellent and does not need any changes except for the word "becoming."

Fluently in the French language, with working and living experience in France, I am able to understand _________ _ ____ _ _______ _____. (complete the sentence)

My journalism background helps in my work and facilitates communication with partners and with Alumni's of exchanged program. With Alumni club, which was created at 2004 in Kutaisi, I was involved as a trainer at their projects. ----good sentence!!

This way I continue promoting the democratic values, human rights, gender equalities, religion and ethnical tolerance of diversity.

I need education in the country which is a the best example of democracy and economical development, collaboration and networking. This country has a tradition of growing a network of motivated leaders who are ready for new challenges.

It is better to write United States. It is a better word. If you want to use the acronym, use periods. U.S.A.

This is the best part:
And I want to play my role in building of democratic society- not only with a US degree , but with a new way of thinking, motivation , readiness for changing. I want to achieve new challenges successes by creating a network of collaboration and supporting sustainable development and peaceful resolution of conflicts.

I hope you get to make this contribution you describe, whether it is in 2014 or 2050... you'll do it!

Undergraduate / "playing soccer" - a time when you have surprised others or yourself, ND [3]

For some reason, I laughed uncontrollably when I read the prompt. If I had to write about things I have done unexpectedly, it would be a funny essay about some horrifying experience I brought on myself. I have done some pretty unexpected things due to poor judgment.

With this essay, it just does not seem very unexpected. It is a great accomplishment, though. I hope you can build more tension by writing about a situation that got worse and worse, until at the end you suddenly earned this great position as goalkeeper...

You have to revise the essay so that instead of gradually explaining your process of earning the position you gradually make it seem more and more hopeless and then suddenly surprise the reader at the end. Also, try to think of a clever word that can be the "theme" or "lesson" behind the essay.

Undergraduate / Father's Influence, he is by my side - Most Influential Person In Your Life [6]

Many times my team lost, would lose, but in return instead of being put down he would cheer me up by either buying me something I wanted or taking me somewhere where we could enjoy ourselves.

Most things in life of my important lessons are lessons I learned from him, and ...

... what I aspire to become. ----what is it that you aspire to become? I think that is the most important topic. Show how his influence prepares you for success in one of the top 3 fields that most interest you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Taekwondo, this is an individual sport" - experience/achievement [4]


This part is a run on sentence... it is complicated and hard to identify as a proper sentence or an improper one.. but really... you should simplify. And to be honest, I think you should not give all these details, like their names and the "looking back to see the coach..as ready as you are..." It is important for you to know what impression or message you want to send to the reader. What is that impression? In what way will the reader's life be better for having read this essay?

Whatever your gift is to the reader, you need to really know it. That way, you can trim away extra details that distract attention away from the experience you want to provide.

I see this as your theme: doing it alone is impossible.

And this expresses the theme, too, but it DEFINITELY needs to be simplified: teamwork is probably the most valuable lesson a person could learn and that the best friends (are the ones that are those that are??) with you ...

The theme, then, is a good one, but it needs to be developed more. The point of the essay is to give the reader a NEW insight. What new insight, related to supportive friendship and teamwork, can you share with the reader?

:-)

Undergraduate / UC Essays: Soccer stories- which one is better? [3]

This whole intro is boring and not necessary:
Soccer is a major part of my life, and playing soccer ... game of soccer.

The first essay tells about an experience of success, but the story is not original... it needs to be summed up in ONE paragraph, and then the majority of the essay should be about the insights you gained and how the strengths you used in soccer will help you in college and in your career.

The second essay is much better, much more interesting and meaningful. I am impressed! But like the first essay, it needs more discussion of the truth, the insight that you gained... how will this experience affect your decision about a college major?

:-)

Graduate / Science&Technology, Statement of Purpose (EE.PHD) [3]

That is why I appreciate the opportunity of to work as a PHD candidate in XXX University.

However, thanks to my persistence and correct analysis of the reason, I caught up and continuously ranked NO.1 in my major in the last 4 semesters in XXX.----Ha hahahah, congratulations! That is a great accomplishment. I think it is a great accomplishment to mention in this essay.

Your English is not bad!!! I'll just make some suggestsions...like the word various!
...batches of solar cells with different various dyes, tested their efficiency and tried to find the structures which benefit the DSSC most.

Even now I don't work for the campus radio any more, I like recording some small pieces and upload on the Internet to share with my friends.------This is such a strange way to end the essay! I want you to talk more about your PURPOSE! I want you to talk about the way you will use your talent in the next 2 years, as you learn and earn your degree, and also in the next 10 years, as you make SPECIFIC contributions in your field.

Writing Feedback / "going outside or performing physical exercise" - (important issue) Topic - Obesity [2]


I see that Courtney already corrected your grammar here. On behalf of Nathan, Thanks, Courtney!

I've learned a great deal about this problem by listening to what my mother has to say-----It would be nice if you also learned about it by using Internet research or reading some of the books that have been written about it.

Maury and your mom are not good enough sources. Read some journal articles. Try Google Scholar, and type: obesity America

In college, you may find that you have to work a lot harder than you worked in high school, so be careful!! Start reading professional journal articles now, for this essay, as practice to help you do well in college.

Book Reports / The Duchess of Malfi, unnamed characters - response paper [2]


Is this sentence important or interesting enough to earn this spot at the beginning of the paper?


Identity alone is not a theme. The power of identity, though, is a great theme! When you name this dominant theme, can you call it something more than just "identity?"


If you are stuck on the conclusion, you must not have a central idea for the essay. Look back to the end of the intro. It should have a thesis statement that makes your MAIN observation about the significance. Here is a poem I wrote for you:

Thesis at the end of the intro paragraph
Should express the main idea in a single sentence.
Conclusion should express it in a single paragraph.

Okay, that is not much of a poem, but apply the concept!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Tiryns and Athens - Compare and contras essay: two cities [3]

Tiryns and Athens are two cities in which I have lived. Each place has its advantages and disadvantages. (Add more sentences to this intro, and then give a thesis statement that expresses the theme of the essay. Can you think of a main theme?)

Start paragraph 2 when you talk about similarities:
These cities have some similarities. First, the climate...

There are some of the bad and good aspects of both cities in which i have lived.However, i have not decided which place fits me well.---You do not have to decide which fits you well, but you do need to decide about a main idea for this essay. Make one big observation about the relationship between the cities or their significance to you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "interaction with objects, images and spaces" - UT major - Interior Design [3]

If you put 2 words together like this to make a new term, use a hyphen: the once-concrete block cocoon became ...

the house just as I had pictured it.

...an automatic space-making machine, it came as an instinct.---I like this! Your vocabulary is not basic at all! You are creating new terms!

Soon enough this no longer applied just apply to spaces. It became ...

PRECEDE these two paragraphs with an intro paragraph that tells the reader the main TRUTH and the theme for the paper. What has the pomegranite got to do with the house? Find your underlying principle.

:-)

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc Environmental Economics & Climate Change@LSE [7]

...every morning at the crack of dawn to...---I think it is too much of a cliche...
It would be better to just write this:
every morning at dawn to...----------Do yoiu agree that is sounds more powerful this way? A cliche makes writing less powerful.

Let's also get rid of "yes"
Yes The polar ice caps may not disappear by 2050, but surely something dearer (dearer? How about this:... but surely we are in danger of experiencing a change that is even worse)

The cynicism and suspicion surrounding this topic may drift on for some time, but the harsh truth won't prevent the change. We have to change stop prevent this change.

Essays / I need help understanding Illustration essays. [11]

I want to help, but if I just give you some paragraphs that will be cheating, so what should we do?
I have an idea: please tell me about a time you saw someone act brave and get a good result. Please write at least 4 sentences to tell me what happened, who the person was, and what the situation was.

:-)

Also, please write a few sentences about a time when someone invented a new way to do something. Why was it necessary to invent a new way?

Undergraduate / "I am from Hong Kong, Psychological science" -Purdue- Professional and personal goals [4]

First of all, I am from Hong Kong. I have to be honest to say that the education system in Hong Kong was not satisfying me. Ever since I was a child, my parents started acquainting me with the importance of how important it is to get getting into a college that is suitable for me.

I was quite sure that Purdue is going to would be my first choice when...

As I have mentioned, I am from Hong Kong. I haven't been able to make friends that have similar backgrounds similar to mine, as I do because there are ...

Use a comma: "It always feels like home, " he said, "but a home where you can actually enjoy learning and gaining experiences." This answer observation made...

I think you are going to do very well! Hey, I want to introduce you to a famous teacher who came from China and studied mech. engineering at Purdue: Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming

Book Reports / In reference to "The Curious incident of the dog in the night-time" [8]

If I give you ideas and points to prove it, I will have written the essay for you. Let's start instead with your reaction to the book. When you are reading it, or after you finish, what kinds of ideas has it given you?

Tell me about the first 2 or 3 ideas that come to mind when you think about the story, and I think we will be able to come up with some great paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A leader should guide himself" - my commonapp supplement [4]


When I get to this sentence, it makes me confused... It shows organizational skill, not leadership skill.
Oh... but as I continue reading, I see what you mean by self leadership. I suggest this:

This anecdote portrays an important self-leadership skill: the ability to identify and correct my errors.

Use a hyphen: self-leadership

Punctuation...
"The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself." T his quote is ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "my source of inspiration, my guide and mentor" - My mom's influence COMMON APP [4]

The most influential person in my life has ensured that as I shoot for the moon without getting caught up staring at the stars.

She supports me in everything I want to do as long as I have an appropriate reason. ----very good sentence!

hahahahm this one is my favorite: On a slightly different note, my mother is the world's greatest listener.

Hey, I cannot find mistakes to correct, and I do not want to suggest any changes to the style of writing. You have a very good style already. It must be because of all the books your mom made you read!

Undergraduate / "allergic to mangoes, the Chinese festival" - talent, UC university california [5]

But after I pinched myself for several times, I realized that I was awake in the cruel reality and my face was full of red rashes.

She suffered more than me I did.

I am not writing this essay to tell how strong I was in face of adversity, but how weak human can be. -------This is my favorite sentence in the whole essay, but I would like to change the word "weak" to the word "vulnerable."

I also think it would be good if you did not even mention mangoes, because the kind of allergy is not important. I would like it if you stayed mysterious and did not tell the reader the cause of the red rash. This essay would be more intriguing if you never told the reader what caused the rash. But you should tell more about how it looked, because that is what will make the reader feel emotional.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Graphic design" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 2 - Illustration of Talent [4]


Well, I think you do a good job of showing, because the whole essay is about an example of a proactive undertaking that is quite impressive.

I began self-teaching the techniques of Photoshop and learning the uses of the many intricate options and tools. ----This is SHOWING. Telling is when you make a lot of unsubstantiated claims about being determined, creative, etc. But this whole essay is an exposition of a real accomplishment that was only made possible by your seriousness and determination.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Sweat, Strain, and Surmount" - a person who has made an impact on you [8]

Sometimes during the sophomore year, I had to collaborate with him for organizing school events, and thereafter got know him better.

This essay is great! It is very enjoyable to read, and that might just be the most important quality in an essay... I kept reading out of interest rather than as a way to help you.

And actually, the only way I know how to help with this is to suggest a better introduction. The intro paragraph should have a sentence that tells what the theme of this essay will be. It should have a sentence that is inspired, just like that last paragraph is inspired.

The essay gets better and better toward the middle and end.

Grammar, Usage / How to incorporate and cite a saying in APA format [2]

A saying is often considered common knowledge, so no citation is necessary. If I used a saying, I would put it in italics.

I don't think it needs to be included in the ref list.

Only if it is longer than 40 words should it be in block format, and it should be double spaces.

Do not worry too much about the saying... don't let it stop you from making progress! Just include it in italics. Unles you know who originally said it, there is no need for a citation.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Math comes naturally to m" - help me and revise my UMD essay [6]

Yes, expand on this main concept:
My something is math.

For as long as I can remember, math has been my favorite subject. Every time I go to school, I get excited whenever I go to my math class. These are redundant, because you already said your something is math.

Math comes naturally to me and is easy to understand

Delete these to make room for 3 more sentences at the end of the essay. Let them be sentences about what you want to do to contribute to the world... financial adviser? Economist? Math teacher? Accountant? Brain research?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Growing up was not a fairy tale." - PERSONAL STATEMENT [8]

...with my parents ' minimum wage jobs.

As much as I tried to keep my life at home separate from my life at school, it was evident in my lackluster grades and rebellious behavior on campus that something was wrong. ----Well, whatever it was that was wrong, it was not a lack of intelligence. You construct excellent sentences here, and great organization for an essay = great organization of thinking.

The year passed, by and nothing changed , so I knew I had to escape that house, and the only way of doing so would be to go to college.

My grief did not last long, for when I heard that my father had been taking crystal methamphetamine for the past two years all I could feel was anger and hatred. ----Well, that is definitely understandable. You must be very strong to be able to endure this.

This is a great, great essay. I would like it even more if there was more reference to your academic and professional goals that are related to this desire to advocate for victims of abuse. I wonder if you will ever be able to have compassion for addicts? If so, you can help people and groups overcome addiction as another way of helping the families... but only if you can overcome the anger. That way, you'll also maybe be able to forgive and heal.

:-) You are a great writer!!!

Undergraduate / "Business, calculus, chemistry, .." the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [8]

One of the most important factors that has attributed to my success is my family; Not not everyone is able to ...___I know you rewrote this, but I want to point out 2 things:

Your success can be attributed to a factor.
A factor can contribute to your success.
But a factor cannot attribute to success.

Also, do not capitalize the word that comes after a semi-colon.

This new version is well written, but it is too general to talk just about the subjects. You should talk about concepts within the subjects. A scholar is only interested in a subject by itself when in high school. After high school, you have to specialize in particular areas.

:-)

Use a comma here:
...has led me to success, and preparation has aided me in my skills.

Undergraduate / My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class! [13]

Thanks, Amber! I wonder what she thought was missing. She should be able to express what it was.

Please check out the EssayForum Contributor Page!

Essays / Counter-Argument against Co-education! [2]


This sentence is not complete.

Also, I think you wrote this wrong: "girl's do better in an all girls school and boys do better in an (all girls???),"

Okay, studies show that test scores are higher in an all boys or all girls school, but is education's only purpose to bring about high test scores?

Here is a hint for you... google this:
Purposes of education list
functions of education list

:-)

Undergraduate / "My issue is, happiness in America." - College Admission Essay. Tips appreciated. [3]


This is an interesting theme. You want to know when the pursuit of happiness becomes sin...

but... you do not mention sin after that, anywhere in the essay! Maybe you should continue this theme or remove it from the intro.

Also, I feel that your intro paragraph is missing a sentence at the end. At the end of that first para, I am wondering what the main truth is going to be that you express.

personally I believe I think this is always a weak choice of words, but you might not agree...

You may notice that with ...Now don't take that ...-----All this instruction to the reader can be sort of "off putting" to some. This is not supposed to be a lecture you are giving. It is supposed to be a humble, focused essay. So.. also, do not be so casual here:

So back to Kid Cudi, Is Kid Cudi really happy from 'lighting it up on a summer night'?

immortal words of Bob Marley, "Don't worry, be happy." -----I thought this was Bobby Mcferrin! But I could be wrong...

:-)

Graduate / communication disorders, Student Clinician experience [3]

As I have been a musician throughout my whole life, I have

Your essay is funny and interesting, and I love the confidence you express in that first line.

The CMU Speech-Language Pathology program is my first choice of among all programs.

This is a cliche, and I think it is better to omit it: It would be an honor and privilege

You did a great job with this!!