Research Papers / Motorcycle helmets should be mandatory for all riders - research thesis statement [4]

Would you try to introduce a speaker who was about to walk onto the stage if you did not know who the speaker was going to be? I think the thesis statement is an introduction of the essays main idea, and you cannot know the main idea until you have written a few paragraphs about the articles you read.

Do not make a thesis statement and then try to find articles to support it. Read articles and write about interesting stuff you learn. Then, wait until a main idea takes form. When it does, write about it in the thesis statement.


This might be too simplistic. To make your essay unique, do this:

Motorcycle helmets should be mandatory for all riders, because ____________(fill in the blank with an observation that some people might never have considered. You'll find great observations in the articles you read.)

:-)

Undergraduate / "my bus will take me.." - common application essay- "Life as a Journey" [3]

A Tall tall wall called the language barrier was, and still is, my most challenging obstacle that always made the bus take a detour. ----I don't think it still is an obstacle! You write very well in English!

Earth Elub Club,

Next year, my bus will take me to my most desired college, and there (no comma necessary here) I will experience ...

You used a very clever theme. The bus metaphor is perfect.

Undergraduate / "Our system of education" - issue of concern and its importance to you - Common App [3]

Our world - Planet Earth, as we like to call it - is ridden with countless problems and mishaps, most of which are caused by us humans. ----This is a nicely written sentence, but it is a statement of the obvious. Everyone already knows this, and if you say it at the beginning the reader's attention shuts off.

hese issues range from matters such as wars, poverty, disease and racism. Most, if not all, of these issues cannot be overcom.... difficulties are what I, and many others, refer to as 'hot topics'. Among these topics, ---All of this is unnecessary. You should get right to talking about education.

I agree with you!! Education can solve all problems by influencing the next generation and empowering them to be peaceful and tolerant.

Unfortunately, the level of education has been declining for a pretty long time. ----where? I thought it was getting better from one century to the next.

I like your discussion of the way entertainment undermines education.

Here is another claim that I think you cannot really substantiate: Lastly, school curriculums and, more importantly, teachers are not the same as they were before.

Oh, I see that I was wrong! Okay, if you cite a source like this, it is a stronger argument!! ---->according to Thomas Sowell's book Inside American Education: The Decline, the Deception, the Dogmas, around that time, students

Hopefully, you're now a bit more aware of how I think this part is a bad idea... too presumptuous.
I like your writing style a lot!! You must have worked very hard on this. You covered a lot of topics, and if they require you to stay within a word limit I guess you will need to omit some topics... but this is very impressive!

Undergraduate / "Just One Guitar" - Common App essay and short answer response. [4]

Do I buy the guitar, or do I save my money?

I think this sentence does not carry any new meaning, so it is just dead weight weighing down the essay: I spent at least 25 minutes looking up and down the wall of guitars contemplating whether I should save the money that I had worked so hard for over the summer or buy a guitar that I might not enjoy playing as much as I thought. That's when I saw it. In the middle

After looking at this for a long time, I think I know what I want to suggest: You do not need to explain so much about the difficulty of the decision... in a single sentence you could express the idea that you had a struggle to decide whether to invest in a guitar... it does not require a whole paragraph. And that way you will have more room to talk about the great concept you introduced... how the decision to take a risk can be so meaningful and consequential...

But what does that have to do with your college education? Can you make a connection?

Undergraduate / "Love working with computers" - Spelman College application essay. Help? [3]

Even since I was little I love to work with computers and I was curious about how they work and how can I fix them. -----I don't think this is a good way to begin, because LOTS of students talk about how they were so curious as a little kid... it is just so common.

When I was ten living in Markham I got my first computer. It wasn't new but was an old, used computer from the library where my mother worked. at .

The computer was not new and had nothing updated on it , so I decide to try to fix

On the night of the second day I was so excited because it actually work my computer did become more faster and didn't freeze when I was trying to open to program at once. ----Cool!! I like the story about how you worked on the computer. I just don't think you should start with that line:

Even since I was little I loved to ...

Use " " marks:
Teachers would always ask, "When you finish would you please help the other student understand the material?"

:-)

Undergraduate / "my mother has made the most profound significance" Texas [4]

Hey, this is a great thread. It must have taken Assil a long time to do this. I want to add another correction, though:

It is difficult to contemplate the amount of impact that all the people in my life so far, considering the fact that I am still prospering from all their profound influences. around me, to help shape a more global and prospective achieving individual. We nee to chop that stuff at the end... chop it right off... too much, too confusing.

:-)

This sentence is too complicated, too:
As the years passed by and the exposure to the enormous amount... ---let's try to find a way to simplify. Unnecessary details tax the reader's attention and dull the experience of your essay.

So... streamline and simplify. Simple is powerful (and clear).

Undergraduate / "an intelligent and strong-willed person, Kriston" - impact person, Texas [4]

This is a beautiful essay.

Here are some ideas:

Her laughter is still heard from as the laughter of her daughter, and her smile rests with her son.

In addition to helping me, she tried to help

I like this sentence: It would be superb if I was able to be slightly like her, and be even slightly as incredible as she was.

Undergraduate / "Cliques at school" - Topics for My Essay to UT! [4]

Hey, I think the clique topic could be great! It could be a sincere, refreshing change for the AO reader.

However, the food industry is important, too. If you intend to major in political science, nutrition, biology, social work, teaching... all of these are easy to connect to the food industry topic. Whatever you write, connect it to a career you would like to pursue. Even if you are not sure yet what you want to do, write it as a prelude to some effort you intend to make, and it'll be impressive.

:-)

Faq, Help / A piece of advice to new EF members - get involved! [8]

Thanks Ershad!! I hope a lot of people read this.

Writing Feedback / When in Rome, do as the Romans do. a paragraph discussing a common cliché. [3]

...meet but my aunt refused, "W e don't eat pig meet in my country."

I like this proverb!!---> you have to think before doing as the Romans do. --------Great idea!!!

For example, if you religiously or healthily for the sake of health believe of in not drinking alcohol, never drink it wherever regardless of where you are and who serves it to you, even though it might be rude or your hosts will get upset at your impoliteness.

:-)

Undergraduate / "There will ALWAYS be more to learn." - Mr. Holmes, important person, UT Austin [3]


Maybe you can say it in a way that is not such a cliche.

I had a burning passion for classical music and the arts (not to imply that that passion has lessened with time).--if you just change the verb, you can get rid of all this parenthetical stuff:

I developed a burning passion for classical music and the arts (not to imply that that passion has lessened with time). ---think of it in terms of the reader's experience. Can you give the reader an experience that moves right along, like a skier down a slope?

I suggest a semi-colon instead of "however":
I foolishly assumed that this class would be a mere walk in the park; however it turned out that the instructor would shed some light upon my ill-formed personality which forever changed my outlook on life. (here, add a thesis statement that gets even more specific about the way it changed your outlook... then, move on to paragraph 2)

Oh... I like the ending! So, introduce that theme at the end of paragraph one.

:-)

Essays / Finding X - University of Chicago - Supplemental [4]

Well, solving for x involves particular processes -- reducing to simplest terms, observing proper order of operations, and so forth. This should probably be full of math metaphors! :-)

Essays / How to write an informal essay for a character interpretation? [4]


Sounds like a great theme.. but which archetype is he? Google this: heroes archetypes list

Next, skim through the story and find examples to support your argument that he is this particular type of archetype.

:-)

Book Reports / Essay about the symbolism in the story "Everyday Use" - feedback [3]

You don't need the commas around the title in that first paragraph.

These items have different meanings and reaction to the main characters, so that characters react to them in contrasting ways; which contrast; simple and...

Each has their opposing views on the value and worth of the various items in their lives, and the author uses this conflict to make the point that the substance of an object, and of people, is more important than style.---Nice thesis statement!

Alice walker uses the quilts as the main Symbolism for this story and as mentioned above each character has a different opinion on what these quilts mean to them. Quilts as we know; can be used as either a type of sheet for your bed or could be used as a decoration. The quilt in this story represents their culture. These quilts were passed down through generations of the family, thus making them very unique, irreplaceable and priceless (75). Other symbols in the story are: the churn, the bench, and the dasher. All three of these items have gained imprints on them from overburden use of them. This plays a very important role for it shows us that these items have been altered, making them more convenient and practical. (73-74) (Right here, add a sentence that shows how the content of this paragraph supports your thesis statement. Know what I mean? Add a sentence that tells why this paragraph proves the thesis statement is true)

Again.. revise this so that it supports the thesis statement... or add another sentence to the end of the paragraph: ... believe that; author Alice Walker intended for Maggie to have the quilts as they would be in everyday use and would represent use of their heritage.

:-)

Undergraduate / My family is a Korean colony + Relay for Life - UC #1 and #2 feedback [4]


Add a noun to the end of this sentence. Make it an interesting one! :-)


This is beautiful. I like the first essay a lot... a real work of art.

I like your style of using short paragraphs, but since this is a college essay I think you should probably be a little more conventional. I think you should put these together as one paragraph:

The Relay for Life supporters were there walking for their loved ones or for their organization; cancer survivors walking for those still afflicted by the terrible disease and fellow survivors. What was I there for? Why was I there walking that path in the desert heat? Sure helping raise awareness ...

Here is an idea for you:
That night I understood how interconnected people really are the world truly was as my fellow Relay for Life supporters and I walked slowly down the path, remembering our loved ones.

Graduate / "Cancer biology, science" - writing Statement of purpose [2]

...where only the top 1% of students get admissio can earn admission, are the pioneers of biotechnology in...

I felt it's very important to know about all the fields before narrowing down an area of specialization, and so I dwelled myself in fields like cell imaging, cancer biology, and Microbial Fuel Cells.

My solemn urge to play my part in eradicating cancer -----very well written

Scientific research has its origins in a very fundamental human character -- curiosity. It is very important though, to ask the right question. Research in xyz at xyz has raised many relevant questions and I would like to be one of the people working towards the answers.---This paragraph needs another sentence added to it, and the first paragraph of the essay also needs another sentence. I feel this way because both the intro and conclusion are very short, and I especially think the intro needs to have a theme involving this desire to be involved with medical research... present your theme in the intro paragraph, and make it clever and memorable.

Undergraduate / i feel as if this is the BEST.. how about you?(personal statement) [5]

Welcome, Aleah and Gina!

trials and tribulations. ---Find a more unique way to say this. It is a cliche.

the household one word, not two.

For example, I stopped taking school as seriously and my grades began to drop drastically.

Capitalize:
... The Joker, who was represented b y all of the negative...

How about a little more discussion of your long term goals!!??

:-)

Writing Feedback / Negative influences of computers on children - essay [3]

In my strong opinion, the development of computer technology and Internet technology such as a form of the internet has have contributed to child study significantly.

One important fact is that It is important fact that many children are using computers at school and home.

Capitalize Internet!

Inappropriate websites which contain sexual and violent scenes highly affect children. ---This is a very good sentence!!

Some scientists suggest that these scenes influence child's children's mental health and increase the number of crimes involving to violence.

In conclusion, It it is important to that not only allowing children's using computers but also taking to take immediate action to solve mitigate these negative influences.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my neighbor Victor" - write an essay on someone thats impacted your life and why [4]

This kind of sentence is not a strong start:
Life is a long journey, the choices we make will end up having a great impact
on our future as individuals and the people we meet through that road will have
the same effect as the choices we made.They will influence us whether it be
good or bad. ---These are truisms, obvious ideas, ideas, people already know all about. It makes the intro boring.

This is where it gets very interesting!!!----->People will come and go, but the ones that stay -- well, t hey stay and help you mold your life into the perfect sculpture of art.

:-)

Undergraduate / Art and me -an experience that helped me know what's important to me-corrections pls [3]

Here is an unnecessary sentence: I started with my first hobby, which was painting. You can take it right out.

Then I shifted to my second hobby, which was playing piano.---You can add some words to this sentence so that it tells something more than just the fact that you did piano next. You can add words to this sentence so that it expresses the THEME or idea of the paragraph. Do not just tell the story. Tell what the story means.

For example, I really like this concept: And every time I want to write something I just listen to music, play piano or draw a picture. It gives me ideas and let me see what's beyond everything. This will help you in your tv and film career!

Essays / "Parents, teachers & employers should reward achievements rather than talents" - idea [2]

Use the 7 steps like a checklist when you revise the first draft. For now, forget about them.

I have a strong opinion about this, but I'm not telling what it is. To me, though, one response clearly seems superior.

1.) write a paragraph about what would happen if you rewarded talent.
2.) Write a para about what would happen if you rewarded achievements.
3.) write a para about which outcome is preferable.
4.) write a paragrap about an argument someone would make if he disagreed wtih you, and tell why it is not a good argument (this is called refuting the counterargument.

5.) write your conclusion, and be brilliant about it.

I look forward to seeing your answer and arguing with you about it! :-)

Essays / Literary Topic or theme for my thesis: "slavery" or "prodigal man" [8]


I think the best way to express this question is like this:
I need to know about some responses I can make when discussing the topic of expansion of slavery due to the expansion of the cotton industry.

Well, in order to have a response, you need an opinion.
In order to have an opinion, you need to read some articles about the cotton industry and slavery.
Google this: Slavery in the South cotton Historical Overview American Slavery

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 "My Journey to self-reliance" [4]

Here is an idea for the structure and style of the first sentence:
I was born and raised until the age of six in Mexico, up until the age of six, where I lived with my mother and two sisters.

I am excited about your great potential as a writer, because you have an excellent style. However, you need to use paragraphs in a more effective way.

Google this: paragraph topic sentence
Google this: paragraph transition sentence
Google this: thesis statement last sentence first paragraph

You end your first paragraph with this: My father worked an irregular schedule so my sisters and I were often left to fend for ourselves, resulting in a hectic household. ---andit makes me ask, "What is this essay really about?"

I hope you find a CONCEPT that ties together all your main ideas -- having to keep to yourself to avoid trouble, family issues, your future as a forensic pathologist... what do they all have in common? Whatever it is, it is a concept close to your heart.

Undergraduate / "not just a spectator in the audience" - personal statement, common app 'a warrior' [4]


When I get to this part, it leaves me wondering, "What is the main point of all this?" It takes a long time to figure out the theme.

infatuated with the excitement and fulfillment ----infatuated means something like "obsessed with" and preoccupied with... maybe it is okay, but maybe you should change infatuated to "overwhelmed by"

This essay mostly just tells the story of your winning of the award. I think you should give some sentences at the end of the first and last paragraphs to express a TRUTH about life or about your purpose in life... something about your future... and how your future will be affected by this experience.

:-)

Essays / If given a second chance. What would you do over? [3]


Only if you name a specific event when you acted according to what they think instead of according you your values.

Azeri explained this in a brilliant way... yes, you have to think of a past event. What event was closely associated with your moral values?

:-)

Undergraduate / Researching + study abroad: what do you hope to accomplish at boston university? [4]


This is excellent, Your vision of the future can be even better if you are not so vague about the "business world." You will be involved with one or more particular industries. So... include them in your vision. What industry might you be involved with?

Here is another one: speaking fluently in another language and going to Europe. ---- specify!! The magic of vision actualization is in the details. :-)

Solely describing my ambitions excites me more than anything. ---The meaning of this sentence is... um... well, maybe the word solely is supposed to be merely.

:-)

Poetry / "My Sleepy Girl" - is this poem fine? [7]


Nope, comely is correct, too! Google the word comely to see what it means! :-)

Undergraduate / "Mentoring, tutoring, and fundraising" extracurricular activities or work experiences [5]

I like this a lot more than the first one. I just want to change the beginning:
Mentoring, tutoring, and fundraising of all kinds are particularly rewarding activities. As an extension of these roles, I work for someone what most perceive to be a bitter, old woman.

Nice! This theme makes it interesting. It's too bad it has to be so short. You have a nice writing style.

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]


When people say this, it is often because they are trying to come up with a thesis statement before doing any writing.

You have to write a paragraph about one article. That is how to begin.

Do a search for this: global warming debate evidence

One article will interest you more than the others. Read it, and if it is not boring, finish reading it. In the FIRST and LAST few paragraphs of the article, you can find the MAIN IDEA. Write a paragraph about the author's main idea.

When you do that for a few articles, you will start to see a unique, interesting idea about global warming. That is the thesis statement.

Undergraduate / "enthusiastic philosophy teacher" -Recommendataion [5]

To add on, Additionally, in a class debate on 'The Establishment of the President Park Jung Hee Memoria l,' she stood out from the rest of the class by preparing elaborately.---nice job! I like this term: preparing elaborately

On the 2nd In the second semester, X's class preparation got ...

This is not a correction. It is just an idea to make it better:
I met X again in a class called "Life and Philosophy" in during her senior year.

... and the class students grow their abilities to reflect on our lives, cultures, and knowledge.

On During the first semester, she participated actively when we were studying about a chapter on 'happiness.' In a class debate on 'whether we should we publicize the name and face of a criminal before the court's ruling or not,' she made important comments on the affirmative side and...

Over the course of th e year, she always showed diligence in...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Sit up straight, don't slouch" - significant risk, dilemma - common app essay [4]

Hey, I think you have both essays here... you could revise the end of the first paragaph so that it expresses the significance of the experience of the diagnosis... or you could revise it to name a specific ISSUE, such as cultural barriers.

You seem to have both of those themes in this essay, and if you want to keep both, you need to find a common thread. What does the cultural barrier have to do with the diagnosis? Find a common theme, and make it your thesis. I think you will do better with the topic about an experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / "movie star job" - Career Goals paper [4]


Yes, but you do know what you like. You know what is important to you, what you want to accomplish. Maybe you want to protect children who are suffering in developing nations... or maybe you want to be a teacher, or a journalist. The truth is, you can be a teacher, journalist, and humanitarian all at the same time. You can have multiple careers.

Go to college to open doors. Open many doors of opportunity by learning all that interests you.

But when you write this essay, you do not need to admit all that you are uncertain of. Tell what you ARE certain of.

:-)

Dissertations / Research methodology for IT-related topic? [5]

Choose your research method based on what you are trying to accomplish. I don't know anything about IT, but I do know that your first step is to start reading about what interests you MOST. Read articles that fascinate you. When you do, you will want to know more, and you will soon have unanswered questions. As hard as you look, you will not be able to find answers to your questions or solutions to a problem. That is when you know you found a good topic.

If your topic involves people's perceptions of something, you might choose a qualitative method like case study or grounded theory.

If your topic involves measuring effectiveness of something, maybe you want to use a quantitative method like correlational research.

Book Reports / Persuasive Essay NOT to Read 1984 [3]

This is a difficult argument to make. Even if someone disagrees with the ideas in the book, that is no reason to not read it... reading it is the only way to know you disagree.

Why would anyone want to not read a book that has been so influential? It is like trying to argue that someone should not watch The Wizard of Oz. Classics are cultural treasures, and part of the beauty of life is available in the works of art and literature that are so celebrates in society.

Undergraduate / "Tell why an activity or honor is important to you" paragraph [4]

Towards the end of my Sophomore sophomore year, ----no need to capitalize

This part at the end is a little vague and overly dramatic. I mean, the whole essay is great, so don't feel like I am criticizing you; but if you want to change part of it, change the end, here, to make it more memorable and not so ... not so much like a speech: The ASB does so much to better my school, and it is a wonderful feeling to be a part of it. I hope to continue in the Associated Student Body until the end of my high school career, and it is truly an honor to have the opportunity to be in ASB thus far.----Instead of this, leave the reader with some "extra" idea to think about. Add some idea about the possibilities for the future, or a new insight you gained... but not this stuff about wonderful feelings and truly an honor. People's minds do not even register sentences like that. Say something unforgettable.

Undergraduate / "Audacity on Wheels: Boys State Experience" Common App Essay [3]


Great concept! Invest in a rickshaw.

Breakthrough is one word, not two.
Mention gargantuan frame in the beginning of the essay so that people can understand it while they read the essay...
It would be great if someone became a taxi to raise money for charity.

I wanted to be a lawyer, so I decided that I would go through the law school and become city attorney.----when you say something like this, it is good to add detail. Make it specific. If you just want to "be a lawyer," it seems less determined than if you want to learn law as a way of making a specific difference in society. For example, our current president studied law... so... get specific about your aspirations.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Mental / Physical / Social health - Word or Phrase clarificiation [3]

You can't call them words, because they each consist of 2 words. That would be like calling a pair of people a "person." Well, I guess soul mates might be kind of like one person, if there even is such a thing as soul mates. Maybe when people get married, they are like compound words.

Anyway, the point is that you cannot call them words. It is okay to call them phrases, I think, but actually the best word it "term."

Example:
"Mental health" is a term. I like to put terms in " " marks if I am writing the sentence about the term.

I care about your mental health. ----In this sentence, I do not use " " marks.
I sometimes use the term "mental health." ---In this sentence, I use " " marks because the sentence is about the term.

Writing Feedback / Are we too dependent on computers? [6]

Yes, Mnokoro did something great for you here. Mnonoroko, I remember your excellent essay about wanting to use innovation to improve people's lives. I hope you and Mohab both check out this EssayForum Contributor Page.

Mohab, I have an answer for your question.


Repetition is the way to improve your writing.
Repeat every sentence 10 times, speaking it aloud.
Repeat every sentence 10 times, typing it.

Do it like this:
Nowadays, there is no place with electricity that doesn't have computers.
Nowadays, there is no place with electricity that doesn't have computers.
Nowadays, there is no place with electricity that doesn't have computers.
...

10 times for every sentence! Sit up straight and breathe deeply. Just settle into the moment and practice. Speak the sentence every time you type it, and let all of your attention pour over it like water.

Undergraduate / "I am a problem solver" - Where to go with my common app main essay [6]


I think we usually say "exceed limits" or "surpass limits" but breaking is what we do to records.

I am a problem solver. ----solving problems and exceeding limits are 2 different concepts. Maybe you should get focused on one theme.

I do like the theme of problem solvng, especially if you announce that you are going to pursue a career that is all about problem solving, such as political science, or something about law enforcement, or something about technology... some field where you can solve problems.

But this is not about problem solving: "One thing that I feel inspired this was the inception of my running career."---get focused on that problem solving theme. Just present all your subtopics as examples of problem solving, and also talk a little more about the future.

Undergraduate / "my classes were no longer difficult" - 250 word essays on academic performance [8]


Yes, when I look at this I think I would like to see it begin with the second sentence. Including the first sentence spells it out too much for the reader, but if you omit that sentence the reader can have a moment of delight when discovering it in the sentence, "I began to take pre-law...."

I like the last sentence, but I don't think surprised is the right word. Just pleased. :-)