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Posts by christiek
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Last Post: Feb 18, 2010
Threads: 6
Posts: 57  
From: United States of America

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christiek   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "my own personal definition of success for the future" - UC ESSAY #1 [6]

Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

My mother received the letter from the college she applied to, and she hid it from her parents. She didn't want to burden them because they had no money to send her to college. She was accepted to the school, but her dream wasn't in reach because of her parent's financial problems. Both of my parents came from different situations. They learned as time passed how important education really is. Their struggles and sacrifices have been etched into my heart as a reminder to achieve the best of my ability.

There were struggles involved living on a farm in rural Korea during the 1960's. Even though my father and his siblings spent a lot of their time on the farm than in school, an important lesson they learned is to not take things for granted. Consequently, plants are precious in my family- especially gardening plants, water is not wasted and all the food on my plate is consumed. My grandparents have an abundant garden in their backyard, and I believed that there is no other garden as vigorous as theirs. There has always been an appreciation of not taking things for granted. The end result of all the effort I put into something is always subjected to adjust, because dreams aren't granted, only wishes are.

Society demonstrates that success can only be a result of being educated. Though my aspirations and dreams have been strengthened as an active member of society, I am also molded by the routine of my father's past. There is only one adult in my family who has graduated from a college. That fact affects me in many different ways. Whether by receiving pressure from my parents, being the oldest sibling or demonstrating a good path for them or even the excitement of having my success at my fingertips, I could be the one to graduate. My father has taught me, "Success is what you do and being happy."

Throughout the years I learned that education is not just for more opportunities. Education is important to my family and me because it helps you reach your maximum potential.

That is when I aspired to achieve my own personal definition of success for the future. To be happy with what I am doing and looking forward to it every morning. The image of success in my mind is so clear. However, making those goals come true is a long journey ahead. Thinking about the difficult situation my father and mother went through encourages me to have dreams and be ambitious in achieving them. I want to give back to people less fortunate than I; and appreciate their ability to cherish the tiniest things. For those children living in third world countries or other poverty-stricken places, I hope to give them strength. From the world I come from, my aspiration to take part in the medical field has grown stronger.

PLEASE LEAVE ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS.
its my first draft, so there needs to be more editing
i think it needs to be more clear??
christiek   
Aug 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]

I think that the story you are using to write about is really deep, and gets down to a personal level - good choice :)

the details are pretty good too.

i think there needs to be more development with the overall message of the essay. you should try to clear up how this event made you the person you are today, as the prompt asks. you write about being an accountable adult at an early age, but maybe you can explain how/why thats important for success or something (probably in the last paragraph)

im really not sure if this helped...

GOOD LUCK!!!! :))

p.s. you can critique mine haha
christiek   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

the first essay is written pretty well, but i dont think it really answers the prompt either.
i dont see the risk involved by standing up for the team...
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

- Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

I'M WORKING ON THE LAST FEW PARAGRAPHS RIGHT NOW.
BUT JUST A PREVIEW, I WILL PROBABLY WRITE ABOUT HOW IT INFLUENCES ME BECAUSE I WANT TO PURSUE A HEALTH CARE/MEDICAL PROFESSION AND BLAH BLAH BLAH...

DEFINITELY NEED TO FIX THE INTRO. NOT TO HOOKY ;/

SORRY ONE LAST THING, I WANT TO CHOOSE A LOCAL ISSUE, BUT I CANT THINK OF ONE REALLY. AND I DIDNT WANT TO JUST RESEARCH ONE AND WRITE ABOUT IT IF I DONT REALLY KNOW ABOUT IT AND DONT CARE KIND OF THING...I WISH I CAN WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING HAPPIER

This year the national debate topic is about giving social services to people living in poverty. As I learned about the topic and the different people who are considered "living in poverty," I only thought about those individuals who earn an income at or below the poverty threshold. It didn't occur to me that such people like prisoners or sex trafficked victims are considered "impoverished." However, learning about the situations prisoners live under has convinced me that this specific group of people is destitute.

More than 100,00 prisoners infected with diseases are released in the United States every year. There is a major threat involved with this situation to hundreds of communities in the nation. For the past few years state prisons have been impermeable to renovation because of politics and fear. But there are so many unfortunate circumstances these people are going through that basic human rights are being violated. I believe that the federal government has a moral obligation to help them.

The situation in state prisons caught my attention because of the lack of health care prisoners receive. Many prisoners are untreated and some are even unaware of diseases they may have. Effectually, many citizens outside of prisons could be affected for that reason. Also, these diseases can potentially spread across U.S. borders. Containing diseases has its limits. The swine flu for example has spread over the nation. This flu has posed a threat in my household. And my mother even suggested wearing a mask to school; but it didn't happen.

In addition, there are underreported events of rape that occur within the prisons. Another issue that ultimately concerns morality. The psychological and physical effects of rape are dehumanizing. There is a gap trying to integrate back into society. The social withdrawal due to traumas, self blame and feelings of hopelessness are unfortunate circumstances. The imprisoned victims of rape have to rehabilitate themselves. But it is hard for me to imagine that. The resources and funding being enforced in prisons is blatantly inefficient.
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

i said that i didnt want to write about something i dont care about. and that i didnt want to research a local issue just o write about it and not feel anything about it....

and i care about health care reform. i wrote that i was working on the part on how it influences me.
but anyway this is a very boring topic for someone who reads thousands of essays

So, im going to scratch this and come up with something else.
thanks though :]
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

thanks for the ideas. i wont be discouraged from the start :)

well i live in long beach and poverty is pretty woven into the some parts of the city.
i guess i can write about it.

i'm still getting second thoughts about writing this essay. hahah.
i mean its too boring/sad..
im not a good writer either haha. oh geez.
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

amy87014

t soothes me when I am sad and calms me down when I am mad

maybe you can use different adjectives replacing sad and mad. its something little but it can make a difference :)

the minimum length for common app is 250 words. just in case.

and whats the prompt for this essay your writing?
more people could help you if they know the prompt..

good luck :))
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

wow sounds like a very intense situation you had.. haha

im not really completely sure, but politics seems like a topic that is a little sensitive.
people who read your essay might end up having a biased against you or something.
but your essay was pretty good.

well you should wait and see what other people say...

good luck :))
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

Llamapoop123

The common app short responce prompt is pretty...common. It requires you to describe an extracurricular activity that you participate in. It is 150 words or less.

oh wow. i actually never heard of it until now..
So i can do the short response instead of one of the other 5 prompts given?

i will look it up right now.
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "demolishing the kitchen" - Common Application short response [3]

Common application short answer Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

"Hey, check if the cheesecake is ready!"
"Yes! It's perfect."
The kitchen was a mess. But today was a big day, and we were on the verge of demolishing the kitchen from our frantic behavior. Nonetheless, My friend Zara and I were about ready for our bake sale in front of the local grocery market. While we were setting up, I felt the curious eyes of early morning shoppers. And deep inside I was laughing because I knew that the aroma of freshly baked cheesecake bits and peppermint hot chocolate filling the crispy winter air would be tempting. It was a success. Our mission was to send socks to American soldiers stationed in Iraq. I purchased the 150 pairs of socks. We are epicures united for countries. We felt proud of our work, especially through a passion we have for cooking. The next challenge was purchasing mosquito nets for Africa.

SUGGESTIONS/CRITIQUES?
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

amy87014

I fell in love with it right away; it soothes me when I am sad and calms me down when I am mad. right here-better transition Shortly afterwards i think the shortly afterwards part should be changed. it doesnt flow from your previous sentence... , the teacher invited me to join his orchestra.

.
i know we only have 150 words, im having issues too
haha
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [7]

4) And the tree was happy. How sad, I used to think. I flipped back through the worn out pages, and noticed the faded black ink and the cranberry juice stain on page fifteen where there was a big white space next to the illustration of the tree. The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein has been a short story I have been reading since I was in the third grade. I have grown up with this book, and every time I read it, as I grew older, there were things I didn't understand. I felt ambivalent towards the boy and the tree each time I opened the lime colored book. Sympathizing for the tree, but admiring it. And disappointment towards the boy, but understanding him. It just seemed natural for a while. However, I gained a new perspective of each character at the end that felt right. Moreover, the tree influenced me.

The little boy in the story starts as an innocent character. His desires are simple, but he had many. My innocence and child-likeness was paralleled with the little boy as a child. There are always many requests little kids can have. The first thought I had about the book was, "I wish I had a tree like that." If I had a giving tree, it would have given me everything it had: apples, shade, branches, leaves and even its stump to sit on.

But as time went on and I turned to the book again, a new thought came about the boy. A basic outline of his whole life was organized in one place, and it was easy for me to analyze aspects of his life. The second perspective came into my head, "the boy is selfish." It seemed like the boy only turned to the tree when he needed something and not just because he loves the tree for being the tree. I was annoyed with the little boy. It was interesting because throughout the book, even as the little boy grew older he was still referred to as the boy. He was not the teenager, young adult, grown-up or old man. The tree lived in its own timeless world while the boy grew older and older. There is a danger of narrow-mindedness the boy had. He remained needy as the years passed and there seemed to never be enough of something. But I concluded that I didn't like him.

More time passed, where I was in high school and probably to the time the boy had a girlfriend. And when I read it, a third perspective came in mind, "I want to grow up to be like the giving tree." The tree is a self-less character that is exceptionally patient and gives unconditional love. Unable to move from its lonesome spot, the tree succumbs to people who come to it. It is unable to move. I felt bad for the tree, but I was still attracted to it. I was influenced to become a more compassionate person. While listening to Barack Obama speak while he was still a candidate, he stated, "... we should talk more about our empathy deficit... when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathize with the plight of others...it becomes harder not to act; harder not to help." His statement about the country's empathy deficit, made me think about The Giving Tree. The quote opened my mind; I realized the dangers of being narrow-minded like the boy. The tree became my model.
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

epkrnftblluva

because how hard you pressed your fingers, in what shape your fingers were in, and how much the force your fingers exerted on the piano all mattered.

there is a grammatical error here.

epkrnftblluva

I had to give an inhuman effort to give great music to the audience.

A little too dramatic. Inhuman effort??

epkrnftblluva

finished the piece, trying to keep my countenance, just like I did in the beginning of the piece.

run-on sentence.

-what's the prompt?
-hmmm, epkrnftblluva

I was wondering if it was too vague on my qualities

what qualities are you trying to portray really?

hopefully that helped a bit :)

good luck!!
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [7]

Is there a way to work with what I've got, or make a completely new one?

-thank you for all this, i seriously was blind to all of the possible ways people will perceive the essay. it was really interesting reading all your comments :)
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [7]

okay, well i did have a brainstorm about the little prince. haha
i love that book too. it's not considered a child's book right?

orrr,
i thought a brainstorm about mersault from the stranger.
i mean i can write about a negative-ish influence and disagree with mersault right? the influence doesnt need to be positive

for some reason i feel so confused..

><
-
christiek   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Illinois Essays (academic interest, work experience, service) [4]

ESSAY NUMBER 1

- i think there should be a better hook :)

-

I realized that I really enjoyed solving math problems,

i think omitting "really" sounds better

-

I attended the State Competition at your school every year.

wait you're referring to the college as "your" right? maybe you should put the school name instead...

-

Another interesting subject was introduced to me during my first year of high school, omit "when i took" when I took Computer Science I

-

without really knowing what it really encompassed

omit the 2 "really"

-

I became so good

you could use better adjective/descriptions :)

-hmm, overall you definitely persuaded me that you excel in science/math = strong academically.
i have a feeling you should focus on one subject, but not to sure. you should see what others say :)
-and the prompt asks for academic interests, i feel like you focus a little too much on how much you achieved/excelled. and not to much on how it exactly interests you.

but seriously though, great job on all your math/science achievements. i mean i have always been one year ahead in math but like still impressive!

ESSAY NUMBER TWO

-again better hook

-

Eventually our interest grew, and we started an organization, in which kids in our age group could play cricket.

run on sentence...

-

why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

i feel like this part of the prompt wasn't carried out well enough or expanded upon enough...

hope this helped :)
good luck!!!
christiek   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [14]

- hmmm, the hook is not hookin' me

-this clearly answers the prompt :)

-

It was an addictive drug; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance after I joined.

i feel like making this two sentences would have a better effect, because it would emphasize the first part. BUT the addictive drug part doesn't really fit with this to me. i think you should describe the "addictiveness" in other words. see what others say :)

-

I valued that experience and this opportunity to

im not too sure, but it seems like "that experience" is referring to the conference and "this opportunity" is something else. maybe it should be "the opportunity" ??

hope this made sense. haha

good luck :))
christiek   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "my own personal definition of success for the future" - UC ESSAY #1 [6]

thank you llamapoop123! :))

oh and i read your creative writing essay "she"
it was really good. i enjoyed it.
i didnt want to write this there because its not helpful advice or whatever...
hahah

It is unclear how your father learned this lesson.

mmkay, i will work on that part
:)
christiek   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

hmmm, whats the prompt?

Criticism is encouraged!!

all llamapoop123 was doing was critiquing your essay.

-there really is nothing rude about what he said in my opinion.
you want other people's opinions for your essay.
Its your choice to carry it out or not.

There is quite possibly no place better to hone my hospitality knowledge than a city that is the home of huge attractions such as Disney World and Universal Studios.

i think this should be taken out.

well, good luck!!
christiek   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

-

I posted it on here and I get pretty much the complete opposite. I hope you can understand my confusion and frustration.

hmmm, i can understand that.
well only three people responded to this so far, so you can wait an see :))

what part about this essay did your english teacher like exactly? i dont know if that makes a difference but still...haha

and whats the prompt!!??
christiek   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

As I grew up, the situation seemed to become worsen.

^ the situation seemed to steadily worsen? not to become worsen.

earth is rested in our hand.

^ hands*

I have a dream to be great and responsible civil engineer.

^ i have a dream to be a great and ....

...live without making our earth become sicker.

^ more sick.

I can have adequate resource

^ adequate resources*

I am a Chinese boy who was raised in a small village from Malaysia,

^one full sentence. The next sentence should start with " it is a place that is isolated from a bustling and flourishing city"

are still living under wooden hut

^ wooden huts**

The families, especially the elders and children are suffering and dread

^ It should be, "The families, especially the elders and children, are..."

It is my responsibility as a civil engineering

^ civil engineer*

-the next sentence states talks about what you need to possess TO BE a successful civil engineer.
but this sentence right here implies you already are a civil engineer...
get it?

When I was in my high school

^ when i was in high school... dont need "my."

Besides that, I was also the organizing chairperson to organize various

^ an organizing chairperson means that you organize, so you dont need to say that you organize various activities...
just say various activities.

help to maintain and improve the high standard of the university.

^ maintain and improve? which one is it? you cant do both can you?

i feel like from one paragraph to the next there really isn't much of a connection.
it seems like they are all different topics - in a way.
1) you talk a lot about the negative things that happen to our earth.
and somehow building houses for people to live in will solve for that problem...doesn't it contribute more to pollution and global warming in the long run...

2) the second paragraph is about your home village and all the natural disasters that occur. How does that relate to the first paragraph? I mean you talk about being a civil engineer, but it doesn't connect in and of itself.

3) Then you go on talking about leadership. Which basically is the part that answers the most important part of the prompt.

well, i actually may be wrong. haha so lets see what others say ;)))

good luck!
christiek   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, playing close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

- This is currently 414 words.
- Can you give me feedback on whether this was rather confusing or not? haha, i think it might be, but im not sure. I'm hoping people, especially the college admission people, will probably be able to understand....

-P.S. do you think its okay for me to write about myself looking at an environment in the future, like how i did here??

-Sorry, but last question. For prompts like these, its okay to interpret certain words in broad terms right? Like, for example, there are prompts about diversity, but you can interpret it to be about culture, people's perspectives, ideas etc....Because i think i did that with the word "environment"

- THANK YOU!!!!! sorry that was a long intro...

;]]]

She stood on the corner waiting. It was early in the morning, maybe even too early for her day to begin. Nonetheless, she stood there, with a lunch-pail at hand. Dawn rose with all its glory in plain sight across the street, and over the roofs of the two-story cookie-cutter houses. The girl lives in a quite neighborhood, mostly because senior citizens had invaded this secluded part of the town. But maybe there was a reason why her mother moved her here, as did mine. We have something in common. Looking at this girl gave me an ecstatic feeling; I felt nostalgic observing her. I lost track of time- until the cactus on my windowsill pressed a little too hard against my forearm. Our bus was late. A typical excuse for late students, but it's all part of the experience.

I remember a homey smell always lingers in school buildings when students return after summer break. It might be the wax on the floors, but whatever it is the familiar smell is a concrete sensation in my mind. I can tell that the girl is nervous, but at the same time excited for her first day in middle school. She reminds me of the joy and open-mindedness that should come with learning. Every year I would be anxious about entering the school campus ready to learn something new. I could see that this soon to be ripened individual, with a violin and tennis racquet be her side, is just a seed. Balancing the role of a student and an active member of society can be challenging, but she will become a sturdy plant capable of spreading her seeds beyond her picket fence and so will I.

I knew deep inside that this new neighbor of mine and I would become close friends.
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Ivy Eyes Editing: Well, I wanted to take a creative perspective with the prompt. The concept I am trying to get across to the reader is that with all the fast pace aspects of society, and growing technology taking control over human hands, is a "bad", almost scary, thing. So, I interpreted the word environment, in this essay, as a school environment.

- Should I change this? Am I over stretching the prompt?
- Thank you!!

EF_Kevin: Thank you for your comments! And I really hope it's appropriate for the prompt! haha
- I think Word is lying to me, because I put homeschooling as one word, and it said it was wrong...
haha
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "A sense of who you are" - Columbia Application Essay [5]

Wow!
I got the chills reading this for some reason haha.

I definitely think that you should stick with this topic!
I agree with linmark that the topic has a of potential.

You use a lot of hyphens, but I don't know if that really matters...

Hmmm, about your conclusion. I personally like it a lot because you change the cliche saying into something personal and no-so-cliche.

GOOD LUCK ; ]
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Person of Significant Influence (coach) [4]

He has taught me more about football, hard work, and life in just three years than people I've known for my whole life .

--> ...more than any other person I've known.

We thought the same thing at first, but throughout that season we got to know him better and realized that he wasn't strict and demanding because he hated us, but because he wanted us to be as good as we could be.

--> I totally understand where you are coming from, because I play sports too, but I think it's cliche-ish. Do you see it when you read it over?

Two winters before he was in a drunk driving accident and killed a teenage girl.

--> Two winters ago, he was drunk...

pushing us more than we were ever pushed before he came.

--> I feel like you mentioned this 3 times already

What impacted me more than anything was seeing his work ethic and devotion and how much he cared for the students at our school, even the ones who didn't play football.

--> What impacted me more than anything was (verb) his work ethic, devotion, and his care for all students at our school. HOW??? How/Why does HIS work ethic, and HIS devotion and care for other students impact you?

What is intriguing about him is he is such a smart individual, but because of one bad decision he works as a welder and an assistant coach and goes on two to four hours of sleep per night.

--> He is intriguing because he is smart? I thought it was because of how he pushed your team to the max, or because of his work ethics, devotion etc... It's getting kind of messy.

Another huge lesson he's taught me is that you can't judge someone by one mistake.

--> I think you should use a different adjective than "huge"

And the most important thing I've learned from him is your success is directly related to how hard you work.

--> You state about three things you learned from him...I think you should stick with one or maybe, if you must, two. I feel like you just list the things he has taught you, but never really explain it with vivid detail or experiences...

--> I think most people know that hard work = success. What have you learned from him that is "unique?"

- I actually want to know if we need titles for our essays as well. haha...

- I really really hope I wasn't too harsh or anything... I just really want to help.
- So, the thing is, I really think that at the end of the essay there is no real substance. I feel like this situation is very common to most people who play sports.

- The thing that sets him apart from others is probably because he killed someone when he was drunk, and now he is your coach.
- Maybe you should expand on that part...
- But see what others think. You can still write about him, but really answer the prompt. DESCIRBE THE INFLUENCE!

GOOD LUCK!!!! : )
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Important issue" - Texas Common App Topic B [or c] - feedback [4]

my essay applies to two topics and some of the schools im applying to require b and the other ones require c so i might as well kill two birds with one stone eh?

--> I am pretty sure that is a bad idea. You should stick with ONE!

to sending pictures to family down the streets.

--> I dont think this example really fits in. I mean if the family lives down the street, sending pictures through the internet to them is not exactly, amazing...

- I feel like the first paragraph, isnt really hookin' me. You just state things that are all true, and no one can really form an opinion to interact with the essay...

- I dont see how the second and third paragraph benefits your essay. It's all just information.

-I think you approached the first prompt to describe the influence on your generation, or some other broad community like the world as a whole. Am I right? I say this because, I feel like you dont really show HOW the internet has really benefited your group. You talk about how it would benefit the IPS...

You really need to write about one prompt!
I think more people would be able to give you feedback...because your can't combine prompts in the first place. I really hope I'm right.

Can someone clarify?!

GOOD LUCK : )
christiek   
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Yes, the paperclip is such a nuisance. haha..
thank you for the clarification with the website! :)

To the essayfourm-ers:
I need some help making this essay shorter...
christiek   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 2: Feeding the Homeless [4]

I agree that the essay is cliched. Nonetheless, you can still try to make it unique...

They were not accustomed to such action. Vans entered the parking lot, holding food supplies, hygiene kits, and clothing. With a group from my mosque, I joined others in setting up separate tables that served as stations for food, hygiene, clothing, and medical aid.

---> this is a bit repetitive.

As they walked pass me, they would smile at me and thank me, and I would smile back, feeling great about what I was doing. Not only was I proud of myself for helping the homeless, I was also proud that the homeless appreciated what I had done

---> repetitive?

- I have a question. Did you write about the "UNited Way" club and other organizations you joined in your UC app? Because you should write about something that is set apart from the application. You want to show them more of you that is not possible with an application. You know what I mean?

- I am not saying that the whole essay should be discarded but maybe the bottom part where you talk about the clubs can be changed.

GOOUD LUCK!!
:)
christiek   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : )) [3]

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select 3 words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

There was a blank space on the shirt for you to fill in after the words "I am..." and a phrase that read, "Define your life" underneath it. It was an appealing shirt to purchase, but I thought about myself reaching over for a black permanent marker and contemplating for days what word I should write there. I couldn't think of an appropriate adjective. As the days, weeks, and months sailed by, the people in my life have helped me realize the impact I have on them because of who I am.

"Christie, I can hear your laugh across the campus!" It was actually an embarrassing thought at first, but then I learned to appreciate the fact that I can put a smile on someone's face. A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of contagiousness from my laughter. I have become well known for my boisterous and striking laugh. I receive comments about my laugh from my peers and teachers leave little notes in my yearbook at the end of the school year. I came across an article one day that explained how laughing increases your life span, and at the same time alleviates any sort of negative feelings. These positive affects can be spread through my peers because my laugh is infectious. A chain reaction will start from one person who can give off a hearty laugh.

I am a compassionate person towards others and their beliefs. Throughout my experiences in and out of school, I have learned that open-mindedness is always helpful. Simply taking others' ideas about novels we read in English class into consideration broadens my perspective on key themes the author tries to portray to the reader. It is a thirst for more information and insight about something that keeps my mind open to accepting new things. My body is always thirsty for subtraction soup. The more I consume, the hunger for knowledge is never ceased. Sometimes, there are situations I could be adamant in my beliefs. However, I believe that not being open-minded is like having an immovable and massive boulder in the middle of your path. I can contribute to the Boston University community by being a person that is always willing to listen and be intrigued by the diversity of people's opinions and cultures.

Some people may think that loyalty is a negative characteristic because in movies, and even in novels, the loyal ones are the first to die or the ones that look the weakest. Underneath the surface is much more than what appears to be submissiveness, but it is deep dedication and trustworthiness that remains stable in a loyal friend. I am not just that friend who has been on the scene for more than seven years; I am that friend who has been willing to make sacrifices to make relationships stronger. I can contribute to the Boston community by being a devoted student and a faithful friend.

definicion.myshopify.com/products/i-am-t-shirt

The "I am..." shirt that I am talking about- no pun intended : ) haha

In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

I felt a sense of balance when I visited Boston two summers ago. The school colors, scarlet and white, reminded me of an association with blood and peace. Scarlet is earned through hard work and dedication. Within the bustling city of Boston there are many experiences that can be carried out as a college student. The Charles River campus, large diverse student body, distinctive seasonal weather and historical background of America that originates there, are all attractive characteristics of B.U. These aspects bring peace to my mind and soul- I can picture myself clearly in this university.

Thank you! : )
christiek   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me [5]

the first to run across the mud floor and retrieved me.

--> retrieve me.

Wow, I really like this intro. I agree with yang : )

especially on sentence structures and level of curiosity (if at all) it arouses.

--> Sure does arouse a great level of curiosity!

I hope you post up the rest soon.
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Religion and ethical dilemma in Macaulay Honors Essay [5]

e, "So, are you ready to be saved?"

--> you should indent the narrative portions of this essay ( maybe you just didn't do it when you posted it on here, but just in case you needed a reminder)

"Umm, it is all right," I said half-heartedly. He smiled, a smile consisting of yellow teeth, pictured into a wrinkly sweaty face against the rough exterior of his forehead; it was stunning even against all the odds. I said, "I saw you standing here almost five hours ago." "Yes, I have been standing here and spreading the words of Jesus."

--> again just indent the narratives.

of Hinduism and nor did I hold my own beliefs.

Questioning peoples' behaviors and actions became my second nature; understanding those with a solid foundation on a spiritual or religious path might help me realize mine

--> I feel like you should just replace that semicolon with a period

led to understand his views,

--> led to understanding his views,

like a child I asked my mother.

--> this part needs to be fixed somehow

-I really liked your essay : )
-It definitely answers the prompt!
-I had something I really wanted to say but I can't recall what it is... man.
-Well, GOOD LUCK !!!
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer "Heroes and Cool Kids" [8]

What's the prompt?

My trainer was NBA player

--> My trainer was an NBA player...

He said "You have the ability to change these kids."

--> Indent this. And it should be He said, "You...."

sportsmanship, drug, alcohol, and tobacco.

--> drugs

talk with an adult but they

--> talk with adults but they...

Okay, I think you have a good topic (but i dont know what the prompt is... I am assuming it is the short answer for the common app??)
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Amherst common app supplement essay, need help revising it! [6]

Life is full of difficulties and just approaching it, is consider an
achievement.

--> I don't really get this sentence...

difficulties encounter through the process.

--> difficulties encountered through the process.

English your second language?

wait, what is the prompt?

-You have a lot of tell, and not enough show. You know what I mean?
-I understand the stress and what not you are going through, being a senior myself and applying to colleges, but because of that reason, I feel like you should choose a different topic. Every undergraduate applying for this college is going through the same thing... I don't know if I'm "right" so can someone (essay forumers) help me on this?

-So, this essay doesn't really set you apart (make you unique) from other individuals...
-I hope i don't sound too rude or mean. I just want to help : )

Good Luck!
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "difficult to do things on my own" -University of Cincinnati undergraduate essay [3]

I always find it difficult

--> I always FOUND it difficult...

re helping me but never cross my mind to try it myself.

--> helping me but it never crossed my mind...

This continues till

--> This continued till...

This continues till middle school when I was pretty much not a good student.

--> That's pretty vague. What's not a good student? But I don't know if you should even write that...

From the start, I wasn't happy on the situation

--> From the start, I wasn't happy with the situation...

They told me for me to become successful; I should try doing things on my own and work hard to make those things better.

--> They told me for me to become successful??? They told me how to become successful?? I dont know...
Hmmm, what i keep thinking is that success isn't really taught or anything like that. Parents can guide you but they can't really show you for your own success. Do you get what I'm feeling? Success is something that can be defined very differently from person to person.

--> oh and what do you mean by things? Maybe you can describe something specific.

I always promise myself to prove my GPA every semester, and through that lesson my parents thought me, I have been able to achieve those goals.

--> I always promise myself to improve my GPA every semester. And through...

--> Umm what exactly is that LESSON your parents taught you? I think you are referencing it to "how to be successful" but even then you don't mention the lesson.

me dreams of becoming a Pharmacist a reality.

--> MY dreams of...
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]

Sorry but I think you posted this essay in the wrong forum...(Don't want to sound mean or bossy)
This section is for undergraduate admission essays for college.
I don't think I really have any authority to say this to you, but just wanted to give you a heads up : )
You might get a notice from the Essay Forum people...
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]

hahaha, i feel like a meanie without having helped you earlier... man oh man.

In the short story by Eudora Welty "A Worn Path"

^ In the short story by Eudora Welty "A Worn Path",

Eventually a white hunter sees her and helps her.

^ how about just "Eventually a white hunter helps her"

hmmm, there seems to be a lot of summary here.
what exactly is the prompt?
christiek   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Poverty - Common App. Essay on a National Concern to You [5]

1 out of 4 children are in homes where food is

--> Last time I checked numbers between/including one and ten should be written out in writing. I think even in this context...I hope :/

amount of children not given the ability to eat

--> amount of children not given the opportunity to eat.
Most people have the ABILITY to eat but not the OPPORTUNITY to eat

happy to work there and helped in many ways

--> Did you mean, "helped ME in many ways"?

I never heard a complaint or a restraint from the workers and the volunteers.

--> I think if you just said complaint, it would make the sentence stronger.

People wanted to help other people become better in their situations.

--> shouldn't it be people WANT to help others? Don't use past tense here.

-I like that you made this national concern personal. It wasn't like a news report : )
-You use the word "people" too much. Try to use other words or specific words.

GOOD LUCK!

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